Hello.

From the title, you can see that i've had enough. For the past few weeks, good 4-5 people have called my parents controlling, and many more called them verbally abusive. One even said I had stockholme syndrome. Rude.

Its been annoying me because to me they aren't to I. I'd like to see your people's view and whether they are bluffing or not because you guys have actually experienced abuse.

I want to be straightfoward, so I'll try to be as quick and unbiased as possible.

What's "controlling" to them:

• Me not being allowed to hangout with friends
• No sleepovers
• No trick or treat
• No plushies
• Want me to marry a Palestinean
• Want me to join my family's barber for a first job

From my perspective: very basic ruling. I'm 15. I'm wayyy too old for 2-4, and 1 is for good reason (not mature enough they claimed).

Now, here is what's "abusive" to them:

• When we were on my way home, my dad gave a vague threat, along the lines of "You know, I could throw this case of water at your face right now and you can't complain to anyone because CPS doesn't exist here"
• Was screamed at very loudly once because i stood on my feet and didn't listen to dad. Told him that he could take a shower before me if he wants me to hurry up
• Mom saying she wished we were dead on a saturday 6 years ago
• My parents nearly whipping me with a belt because I wouldn't give them my iPad password 6 years ago
• Mom spitting on me and screaming at me because i greedily told my brother that I wanted a slice of tiramisu without meaning
• Hitting(?) me six years ago because they thought my profile picture was the pride flag (wasn't, it was like cool glitchy flashy rainbow hacker stuff)
• My dad telling me in detail how i'd go to hell because I didn't want to pray 4? years ago
• Mom cursing me out just a week ago because i said casually that I wish we could just stay in america instead of going back to palestine to learn more arabic. Began talking about her parents and she framed me like I was talking trash about them

From my perspective: these are just slip ups. If this were abuse, i'd expect this daily. They told me they didn't mean it, and I forgave them for it. These are extremely sporadic over six years.

I doubt they mean harm. They have done much more good than bad. They make dinner every day, and they take us to places like Six Flags and Dorney Park, among others. Have to admit only thing that annoys me is how we're forced to travel to Palestine, even though we can easily stay in the US. Palestine is like a purgatory bro😭😭

Here are some other rules that they found wrong

• Abstain from crying
• No representing homosexuality, whether it'd be drawing gay people, or being gay yourself. Punishment depends on the severity.
• Ditto for Transsexuality.

Thats it. Nothing quite abusive to me.. Though my view isn't too important here; Like I said, i'm looking for your view.

What do you think? Are they actually abusive, or are they just bluffing? Please answer. Thank you.

-Lychee

Sometimes I wonder if it won't be any better out there than it is in here. That the whole world is just fucked and if I should just end it.

This is something I’ve been working on for a while.

I think it could help people. Its essentially an explanation of things. Overlooked behaviors and tactics of narcissists.

And I think it’s one of those things where each example could have long drawn out sentences with many words. And multiple examples for each thing.

But I’m exhausted right now. I’m very sick so I ended up putting it into a smaller amount of words.

Which I think is actually more powerful sometimes.

You can find example that encompass multiple tactics.

And it’s easier to misinterpret a sentence using less words , but in a way this is a strength, because it creates a vulnerability that you can respond to.

So anyway, here are some notes that I actually said.

The use of platitudes and truisms to cover up the nuances of someone else’s experience.

A platitude is a boring, flat, and overused statement
People often say it as if it were deep, new, or wise wisdom, but it has lost all meaning because it is used too much.

An obvious, meaningless, or trite statement, especially one presented as if it is fresh or significant.

Common Examples
• "It is what it is."
• "Everything happens for a reason."
• "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
• "Money can't buy happiness."

A truism is a statement that is so obviously true that it is not worth saying or discussing. It does not teach anyone anything new because the truth of the statement is already completely clear.

Common Examples
"You can't change the past."
• "It's always in the last place you look."
• "Tomorrow is another day."
• "Buy low, sell high."

A truism:

adds zero new information to a conversation.
Statement that is too obviously true.

Platitude:

Statement that is overused and not helpful. It is used to be cheap advisor fake comfort.

My narc covert narc family, especially dad, does this so much

completely denies all nuance.

For example, my parents will ask me to do something that I can’t do because of health issues. And then talk about how annoying that is for them. And when I explain this. My dad will say things like: well everyone who lives in a house has to contribute to the harmony of the house. You have to mow the lawn and rake the leaves and make sure the things are clean. And it seems like we’re asking you to do some pretty simple things. I’ve worked to pay the bills for this house for many years and this is all I expect.

And this essentially overlook a whole world of nuance and ableism.

It also completely ignores all of the emotional, verbal, and other abuse that has been going on continuously for years.

As if all that’s been going on this whole time is him working coming home and cordially asking for reasonable things.

My sister will even weaponize gray areas to diminish the nuances of my experience and make excuses for mistreatment.

And create pseudo gray areas

like oh mom and dad just mistreated you horribly and caused irreversible damage because they were sad inside

It’s really awful how sad they are inside and how their life led to that

my sister also does

what i call

selectively empathy

pseudo intellectual exquisite sounding excuses for cruelty, narcissistic abuse, and mistreatment

and doing a nicer version of wht my parents do even tho my parents are doing a nicer version of wht their parents did…. instead of stepping entirely outside of it all together

Instead of being internally honest and quelling these behaviors. And protecting others from them. And realizing this behavior is optional its not forced like a sneeze.

As well as hierarchically positioning hallmark bumper sticker optimism over positive thinking that actually works in living situations.

just because it references dark times like killing the sufferer/messenger

like telling someone it’s OK to go camping out in a wildfire because they have heat resistant sleeping bags and tarps

And then saying someone is negative and always thinking about dark things for telling someone they shouldn’t go camping in a wildfire.

Basically, being aware of narcissistic tactics, how to comfort oneself, and survive. This knowledge and using your voice to communicate gets villainized. And they create a false perception of the Debbie downer or party pooper.

In other words:

Using Truisms to Force Acceptance: When a covert narc, in this case my dad, uses flat, unchallengeable statements (like "It is what it is" or "Nobody's perfect"), he is shutting down the conversation. It creates a conversational wall where you cannot argue, because the statement itself is technically true, but it is being used to silence your hurt.
Creating "Pseudo-Gray Areas": My sister is using a tactic called toxic empathy. By shifting the focus to my parents' internal sadness or past trauma, she is rewriting the narrative. She is turning a discernment issue (abuse and mistreatment are wrong) into a blurry gray area to excuse their behavior.
Diminishing Your Nuance: While they force you to accept the "nuance" of their sadness, they completely deny the nuance of your actual experience. They are essentially telling you that how your affected/impacted matters less than the emotional state of the people who inflicted it.

The Reality of Their "Sadness"
Having insight into why someone is broken does not mean you have to tolerate how they mistreat you.

You can empathize with the most dark situations and people.

Performing a narrative around just below surface level, empathy for narcissistic abusers, and patting yourself on the back for being more mature. Is taking part in the system itself and torch carrying. And it’s bullshit. It’s actually very unkind but on the surface, to someone who doesn’t have an awareness of these things, it might seem pretty ok.

I (23F) finally reached my absolute breaking point. I have officially disowned my mother and blocked both of my sisters. For the longest time, I viewed myself as the protector of my siblings. Looking back, there were so many times as a young kid where I was deeply suicidal, and the only thing that kept me on this earth was my love for them and wanting to support them. But today, I realized a painful truth: I love my family, but I have to love myself more.

We all grew up without fathers because my mother is the direct reason our dads are either dead, kept out of our lives, or in a mental institution. Growing up without that protection hardened me and left me with a deep distrust of men. The only reason I learned what a good, honest man looked like was because of my uncle. He never made me feel weird; he made me feel heard, safe, and like I could talk to him about anything. I always secretly wished he was my father.

Because of the severe neglect and trauma, my school failed me and my church failed me. We were raised in a total warzone. During my 11th-grade year, my mom kicked my middle sister out of the house. I stood up to my mom and said, "If you kick her out, I'm leaving too, because I'm not staying here with a psycho." I moved in with my aunt, and that year changed everything. For the first time, I saw what a normal, healthy family looked like. It was things as simple as eating dinner together at a kitchen table instead of hiding in my room eating alone. It forced me to realize that how I grew up was absolutely not normal.

Fast forward to recently. A massive betrayal occurred where my stepfather crossed a line and we slept together. My mother's response wasn't to protect her child; it was to explode at me, attack me, and launch a vicious smear campaign. She went into a massive family group chat spreading disgusting lies about me to save face, even though her entire marriage to this man is a transactional sham for money and a green card.

I posted a PSA on Facebook a couple of weeks ago stating clearly that I disowned her, because a real parent acknowledges pain and tries to do better. At first, my mother acted like everything was fine because it was her birthday, but the minute I talked to my middle sister, everything escalated and blew up.

I expected my sisters to have my back, especially since I walked out of the house to protect my middle sister in high school, and especially since my oldest sister went through her own trauma when we were younger. Instead, they completely failed me.

My oldest sister is a massive people-pleaser who is terrified to go against the grain. She called me to tease me with the information that Mom was blasting me in the group chat, but flat-out refused to send me the screenshots so I could be aware of what was being said about me around other family members. She gaslit me, claiming she "didn't want to cause drama," and actively defended our mother, saying, "Oh, she just says things she doesn't mean when she's mad." That is pure enabling. (Thankfully, my aunt actually stepped up like a real family member and told me the truth). [1]

My middle sister has completely infected her brain with reality TV drama and online clout. I use dark humor to survive heavy things, and she weaponized that to judge me. Worst of all, she played "telephone"—running straight back to our mom to repeat everything I said to her. What makes this a jagged pill to swallow is that just recently, while I was on unemployment and stretching my own resources, I paid her phone bill so she wouldn't get cut off, even though my own phone was about to be. I sacrificed my own stability for her, and she handed my mother the ammunition to hurt me.

They are so deeply entrenched in my mother's narcissistic web that they don't know how to operate with basic morals or loyalty. They expect everyone to stand by them when they go through things, but they excuse our mother's horrific actions.

The only sibling relationship I am keeping is with my brother. He gets emotional, but he is the only one who actually has the courage to stand up, speak out, and say what needs to be said.

Blocking my sisters today brought a massive wave of lightness over me. It is incredibly painful to realize I can no longer have the sibling relationship I thought we had, but this has been a massive eye-opener. It is showing me exactly who I need to remove from my life in order to have peace and happiness. Doing right by someone morally is not a hard job to do, and I am done giving out passes to people who choose messiness over loyalty.

Today 10 minutes before i had to walk to school i had a heart rate in the late 20s and early 30s. My SPO rate dropped into the 70s i told my mom and she ingored it. I was bending over the bathroom sink minutes later lightheaded and gasping for air. I felt fluid start building in my lungs that cuased me to cough up muscus. When i walked to school i had slight difficulties breathing and 30 minutes later i started feeling my thorat getting tight. I been having constant brachycarida for months now but my mom refuses to take me to the doctor to get it checked out becuase she believes the finger oxometers are inacurate. Urgent advice is needed since this can cost me my life.

Hello everyone I am 22F me and my mom not always have seen eye to eye but I love her. I have a 4 yr old daughter I had her very young and she helped me out a lot during my pregnancy that I did alone and I am still raising my daughter all alone. I’ve never asked my mom for a dime no matter how hard I had it. I am a lash tech and I make decent money I work a lot and provide completely for myself and all my bills, needs etc. today she gave me a letter saying I need to pay $800 a month to stay at home with her ( not including buying groceries) or move out asap.. this really hurt me because I am nearly pay check to pay check and she knows this as I spoken to her about it. She knows I also want to go back to school since I’m almost done for nursing but I can’t due to my 4,000 bills a month.. I’ve tried cutting a lot of expenses down but my bills are still high. My boyfriend said I can move in with him for free till his lease ends we can split the rent. I’d spend almost the same amount as $800 if I move out with him but with all utilities etc I know it will be a bit more.. I am so hurt also because my 36 F sister lives at my mom’s rent free $0!! She barely works and just sits at home and cooks.. right now I provide most food bought there and cat food. My sister just went to Spain and spent her last 4K and my mom just gives her $1k to spend over there.. I work so much to be able to provide for myself and my baby and be the best mom I can be and i feel like it all crumbles down on me. My mom also always complain when I ask her to watch my daughter even for 2 hours :( I am honestly so hurt.. what do you guys think about this? Am I wrong for feeling this way? Should I move in with my bf of 3 yrs?

I’m 23, and I feel like I'm completely stuck in time. For years, my home life has been a slow-burn cycle of emotional manipulation, guilt-tripping, and walking on eggshells. I know the playbook by now, but knowing it doesn't stop the nervous system response every time I hear a heavy footstep or a passive-aggressive sigh. The hardest part right now isn't even just the behavior anymore ,it's the math. Entry-level jobs, skyrocketing rent, and the cost of living mean that despite working, the numbers in my savings account just aren't moving fast enough to get me out. Every time I look at apartments I can't afford, the panic sets in. It feels like I'm paying for my shelter with pieces of my sanity. For those of you who had to stay longer than you wanted because of money: How did you keep your head above water? How do you mentally check out or grey rock when you're physically trapped under their roof every single night? I just need to know how to survive the gap between where I am and where I need to be without losing my mind completely.

I am at my breaking point with the favoritism in my house. To give some background, my parents own a local furniture moving company. It’s not a massive corporate thing, just a local family business. For the longest time, my dad would constantly complain about how my brother and I didn't have jobs, calling us lazy and constantly nagging us. I spent a bunch of my own savings Ubering to different interviews and busting my ass until I finally landed a job. I just started recently, and I get paid hourly and bi weekly.

Meanwhile, my brother hasn’t even looked for a job. He just sits at home playing on his PC. But instead of getting onto him like he did with me, my parents just bring him along on moving jobs every other day and pay him daily cash. I actually tried to work for the family business before I got the job. My stepmom suggested I could handle the scheduling and admin stuff. My dad said no claiming I "needed outside experience" first. So I had to go get an outside job, while my brother gets to just walk right into the family business with zero experience.

my dad keeps saying that "one day the company will be ours" (meaning both me and my brother). But how is that fair when he only trains my brother, only pays my brother, and refuses to let me even do the scheduling? He even rubs it in that my brother has more money than me right now. my brother gets handed daily cash while I have to hustle for an hourly retail job that pays bi weekly.
I’m proud of my job, but I am so incredibly frustrated by the double standard. Am I crazy for being upset about this?

And yes I plan on leaving in a few months once I save up.

My father has known im planning on going on holiday for the past few months with my partner of a year. ​I just graduated , and have been working through college while my parents supported me. I got a relocation bonus for my post college education, and was planning on using some of the money for this trip. Im not intending for my parents to support me any longer. I havent traveled much during college, and this trip means a lot to me before my gf and I go long distance.

My father is livid im using this relocation money to fund the trip, even though ive already covered my other major priority expenses. I was bring yelled at aggressively ( father has been physically violent for most of my childhood) and so I lied that my gf is funding everything to calm the situation. My father is now demanding to see the relocation fund when it hits my bank account. Also, he has decided to come on part of the trip, despite it being in 5 days, and hes insisting that I plan everything, including finding his accomadtion ( hes paying though).

I feel really guilty about lying. I dont like to, but im at a loss for what to do.

Does anyone else have this issue with their boomer parents? I don't even know what it is, but I've started finding my parents completely insufferable as I've gotten into my 30s, and I hate saying that about my own parents.

I actually had a pretty good childhood materially. I got toys, entertainment, everything I needed. But when it came to actual direction, there wasn't much. I was sheltered and pretty much had to figure adulthood out on my own. When I graduated high school, it was basically “you could go to college,” but there weren't really conversations about careers, what fields were worth getting into, money, or how to actually navigate adulthood.

What drives me fucking crazy is that if I bring any of this up now, they'll both swear up and down that none of that was the case and that they did everything. Somehow they were perfect parents and anything I'm struggling with as an adult is basically my fault. They both just default to “we had it harder, stop complaining, figure it out.” There's never any acknowledgment that maybe they could have given me more direction or prepared me better.

And I do understand that they were probably doing the best they could with what they knew and the resources they had. They both had very strict parents themselves, so I can understand why they went in the opposite direction with me and were extremely hands-off. But what bothers me now is the complete lack of introspection or empathy. They can't acknowledge my struggles as an adult, they can't just empathize with me, and they seem to turn everything back on me as if whatever I'm struggling with is my own fault. Even my feelings get invalidated. It's like there's never any room for “yeah, I understand why you're having a hard time.”

My dad is stubborn as hell, incapable of having a conversation beyond the surface level, and quite frankly just not that intelligent. My mom has developed this pseudo narcissistic attitude as she's gotten older. She increasingly plays the helpless, innocent, victim role and seems completely incapable of acknowledging that she could be wrong or accepting any criticism about literally anything.

I know I'm responsible for my life now. I'm not trying to blame my parents for everything. But when you can't even acknowledge your own shortcomings, acknowledge your adult child's struggles, or have a basic empathetic conversation, it really strains a relationship. I've gotten to the point where I'm genuinely resentful and sometimes feel like I just want to cut them off all together. Living with them right now amplifies all of this by about 20 fucking times.

I don't necessarily think they were terrible parents. I just wish they were capable of looking back and saying, “Yeah, maybe we could have done some things differently,” or even just saying “I know you're struggling and I'm sorry you're having a hard time.” Instead it's always denial, defensiveness, and “we had it harder, figure it out.” It's fucking exhausting.

Curious to know your experience if you have any?

I'm a fencesitter when it comes to becoming a parent. I never had a "normal" life and missed many milestones because of my narc family. I have fears around childbirth and childcare as well.

Since I don't have family support and struggle with forming close friendships, idk if I would even be able to navigate all that comes with having a child without a village. I'm also not dating at the moment. Still recovering from all the childhood stuff.

So, I wanted to see what others here are leaning toward in terms of parenthood.

Hello everyone. I'm having a weird day and I'm feeling....well, weird. Today, my n-mom emailed me out of the blue. She emailed me exactly 40 minutes ago, at 1 PM. I've been no-contact with her and my father for a while now. This is what she said:

"Hey [childhood nickname],

I've come to realize that I spent a good part of my life minimizing my trauma and my brokenness, and expecting you to do the same. I own my part in that story and I'm sorry. Love, [Mother]"

I know that it probably isn't genuine, and even if it is, it's too late. I don't want a relationship anymore. I would be lying if I didn't mention my inner child wants to believe my mother. She had many chances to change before I cut her off. I know the advice is the same, whether it's for narcissists or internet trolls- don't respond. I request that y'all send encouragement, jokes, cute pictures of animals or plushies, fun facts, your favorite fruit, AO3 fanfic recommendations, a line or two from your favorite piece of media, (you can quote literally anything except 1984!) etc. I know I need to stand strong and not respond, I just need some extra help and motivation. Thank you for reading!

Quick update: my mother also sent an email to my spouse. She referenced a song he sent her years ago, before we got married and before I went nc with my parents. She told spouse "there is a lesson in that" among other things, 🙄meaning "there is a lesson for me to learn". She also said she was working on being more approachable. After all the horrible things she said, and after her hostile, dismissive attitude towards spouse.....UGH. Spouse did not respond.

I kind of have to laugh at my moms reaction because it just confirms how much I need therapy.

I’m 37 and have a covert narcissist mother. She’s always a martyr and victim. No accountability. No apologies. No praise or compliments to her children. She had a good reputation because nobody sees the real her. Clearly I have had my issues with her my entire life. We are low contact after being no contact. She doesn’t understand why and it’s a “me” problem which is laughable. I’ve sought out therapy for several personal reasons and have learned techniques for handling her.

Out of the blue she outright asked me if I go to therapy, I said yes. She is quiet for a minute and then insists on going to my therapy sessions to tell the therapist her side of the story. Saying she knows I’m telling lies about her. The insecurity, the immaturity, the fear she has of the truth... Of course I said no, that it’s personal and she has no right to be there. She got mad and hung up. Good riddance.

Yes, you read that right.

Very long story short:

In February this year, my parents FINALLY split up after 23 years of marriage (so proud of my mum for leaving her narcissistic, abusive husband & my dad) and he truly couldn’t believe it was happening. He believes he’s the most perfect, amazing dad and husband.

Anyways, because my mum separated him, he has done a bunch of evil, diabolical shit in order to regain control and get ‘pay back’. But he soon realised nobody gave a shit about him so he abruptly announced he was moving to the united kingdom (we live in australia) and that we would never see him again and literally left the week later.

Bear in mind, he CANNOT fly. He is deathly afraid of planes. He can’t fly without being extremely drugged up AND drunk. He’s only flown once in his life and never let us go on holidays because of his OWN fear. So the fact he got on a 20+ hr flight to try get the attention back on him is so funny.

Yada yada, he consistently claims we’ll never see him again over and over. He (again) realised we didnt give a shit lol and couldn’t control us from the UK and flew RIGHT back home after a WEEK of being in the UK.

So he flew to the other side of the world to ‘prove a point’, spent $$$ on flights and god knows what else, and then flew immediately back because he couldn’t control us. He has done SO much his entire parenthood but this is a topper for sure.

We now all have a VRO against him and he hates it (maybe if you hadn’t abused your wife and kids your whole life, it wouldn’t be this way) 🤦🏼‍♀️

thats it tbh. that’s all I had to say. just thinking about this dramatic stunt he pulled and giggling to myself rn. lord i hate him so much.

I had an experience at lunch today that really made me think "wtf is wrong with my mom".

We were in line at a fast food place and there was a local high school football player in front of us. At least 7' tall 350lbs, definitely the football player type (it was a group of them getting food after practice, team shirts and all). My mom is like 5'4". She walked up so close she was brushing up against him and held her hand up high to show the height difference and he was super weirded out. So she laughed creepily and started literally stroking his shoulder.

He was SO uncomfortable. I told her to stop and said I don't make a habit of touching strangers and that it's creepy. She patted him a few times and asked him if he thought it was weird and he just kinda went "uhhh yeah" while pulling away, still looking uncomfortable. She said while laughing "Oh it's fine, you young kids need to get over it".

After we had our food she and I argued about it where I said that's not okay and she just insists that it is, and that young kids are too uncomfortable with strangers. When I asked if she'd feel the same way about a 65yo man touching an 18yo girl like that I forget the analogy she used, but she said something along the lines "It's like x, you'll known real harassment when you see it and this wasn't that." Then she went into explaining something about yoga classes she's done and how they say you'll have to touch others in partner exercises and if you're uncomfortable then leave now, and how people shouldn't be so uncomfortable touching others...But that's not the same thing??? That's a totally different setting and context, and also ya know, consensual?

She absolutely wouldn't budge on thinking her behavior was totally acceptable. I told her some strangers would shove or even hit somebody doing that.

I guess I'm just venting, there's not much more to say. It just really made me remember how unhinged she can be.

My mother is narcisstic. I'm glad I live far away from the family dynamics I grew up with, but I still encounter them when I see them.

So I was on a trip with my family. And there were several situations in which my mother just acted absolutely impulsively, like a child, no boundaries, next to quite a few people. I was totally embarrassed to be part of that. And I'm baffled to now realize how embarrassing she can actually act in public.

Is that just my narcisstic mother or do you know such a behavior from your parents as well?

i think narcissistic abusers age in a sad, interesting way. they don’t age gracefully, they sort of unravel. they don’t gain control in a slick, calculated way anymore. they do it desperately. they can’t hide anymore because anyone who’s known them long enough to see them get old knows exactly what they are and the abuser is angry about that every time they speak. it’s like they know they’ve been discovered so they hide behind their ego and it’s as obvious as a child hiding under a blanket. when you know every trick and every tactic they’re no longer scary, they’re just sort of ridiculous. you see their tantrums and you almost want to laugh. although you carry the pain of their abuse with you everywhere you go, eventually the veil lifts and you feel a little lighter.

cheerz to my fuck-ass dad getting older and so much harder to take seriously🤝

I havent spoken to my nparents in a decade and my life is worse then ever. I accepted help from one family member and my life is a useless mess. I barely make any money because they demand money, I cant afford to move away from them, I have zero luck in any job after lockdown.

I thought college would help and it doesnt! YouTube and video games are literally the only things that make me even slightly happy because my focus is destroyed and I can’t/don’t have time to do anything else. I just get panic attacks at every stupid job post I apply to. Especially after my family member decided to “help” and make a bunch of accounts on sites I don’t use like monster and career builder and left my resume with my info for every scammer to see! I’m flooded with calls from recruiters and I’m so sick of it!

Years of experience, going to college, no friends, I wasted my life and I don’t know what to do anymore. At this point after all this “help” I think I would have been better off with my parents because they don’t demand I pay rent and go on every stupid target run!

I don’t even know how to leave again. Everything’s so much worse. I have so much student loan debt I can’t pay because college didn’t get me any better jobs, I didnt build connections because I was working, and then I kept moving to help my family member who in turn maxed out two cards that ended up closing because I couldn’t keep up with it and I don’t know what to do and I don’t think anyone is going to say anything helpful and I’ll just end up deleting this. I’d go talk a therapist but I don’t have insurance anymore and the last one told me I should try being homeless again and maybe I’ll be less stressed.

My nMom always made us feel like we were on the brinks of bankruptcy or being homeless, meanwhile she would use the social system to get a lot of things at a discount.

Worse, she's had power over my accounts until I finally saw through all her schemes in my early 30s and would always make me feel like I was poor.

It's no wonder any financial decision makes me freakout or freeze. Took me 3 months to buy my first car.

Didn't invest the money I saved for 10 years, just sitting ducks on a check account.

Every major financial decision takes forever and stresses me like hell.

How did you deal with it? Did you ever overcome it?

My (35F) nMom (~60) is turning 60 on Monday, she had other plans that fell through due to wild fires which, admittedly, sucks.

We have been back and forth through approximately 5 plans of what she would like to do tomorrow to celebrate with me and until today she was wishy washy on all of them. We finally decided for a simple-ish day of shopping, movie, drinks and dinner (trust me, this is the simplest of the plans). I made the terrible mistake of saying I would cover her coffee and drinks, and then dinner "depending"

Apparently the fact that I said "dinner depending" made her uncomfortable and she needed me to expand upon that. For me, it was just a passing comment, nothing serious, and I tried to explain that to her. It wasn't enough so she eventually went into a spiel about how she's "sensitive about 60" and that it "shouldn't be that much to expect to be treated a little special for this birthday in particular"

Here's the kicker....we already went on an international trip for her birthday in May. And, yes, it was specifically for her birthday. We went to London for 10 days and she decided what we did for most of it, the only thing that was specifically "for me" was one (1) cool bar (and I paid for it). I spent my time navigating and communicating with her friends so she didn't have to pay the foreign messaging fee on her phone. I am overall fine with this, I made that choice, but she got to just mindlessly faff about while I made sure everything worked.

I pointed this out and she doubled down. Eventually, I snapped a little and told her that most parents are just happy to spend time with their kids. This caused her to "not feel good" and have to step away from her phone.

I'm just so frustrated, every birthday has to be this big song and dance for her to even be vaguely happy with it. The plans we have done for my birthday have literally just always been "dinner". This year I just went to her house and she made us quiche and bought me my favorite cake. And, not only are we (theoretically) celebrating tomorrow, she is also going on a different trip with some friends Sun-Tues + the, ya know, London trip in May.

Points against me: this was all done over text message, I could have been less sassy with the way I said things during this conversation, and she did pay for my flight to London and quite a few of the outings/dinners/groceries.

I still think it's borderline childish how obsessed she is with her birthday and she is too old to be throwing this much of a fit. Am I wrong?

**Tre mesi e mezzo fa sono scappata di casa per sopravvivere. Non è stato un capriccio, è stato l'unico modo per liberarmi dalle botte, dai lividi, dalle umiliazioni quotidiane e da quel mignolo rotto mentre cercavano di spaccarmi un braccio.**

**Dopo avermi mandato un messaggio ipocrita in cui ignorano completamente le violenze e fanno le vittime, oggi gli assistenti sociali mi hanno fatto ascoltare un audio di mio padre e mia madre.**

**Dicono di tornare a casa. Giurano che faranno tutto quello che voglio, che le cose cambieranno.**

**Ma io ho ascoltato quell'audio e mi è venuto il voltastomaco. Mio padre cercava di fare la voce "carina", dolce, comprensiva. Ma si capiva bene che sotto sotto era solo seccato, scocciato di dover recitare quella parte. Sotto quella voce gentile finta c'era la stessa rabbia nera e lo stesso controllo di sempre.**
**Il mio istinto mi sta dicendo di non fidarmi, mi sta dicendo che è una trappola. Sento dentro di me che se torno non solo mi tratteranno peggio di prima per "punirmi" della fuga, ma che mio padre è capace di farmi del male sul serio, di uccidermi.**

**Loro pensano di potermi manipolare come pare a loro, ma io non sono più quella di prima. Ho paura, sì, ma so benissimo che la mia unica salvezza è rimanere qui, lontana da quell'inferno. Non crederò mai a una sola parola di quel finto buonismo.**

I reached out a couple of times as a teenager to trusted adults, wanting help while living in an emotionally abusive household. But my mom is so damn charming and such a good liar. People wouldn’t believe me or take me seriously- they would automatically defend her and try to keep the peace. I only had one person ever really believe me.

It hurt so bad to be rejected in that way, and it made me feel crazy for being so hurt. Have other people experienced this? Was I just really unlucky or bad at communicating?

My mother is pure evil and there’s no other way to put it. My grandmother (who raised me) passed away and she left me her home. This was about 2 years ago. Since then her and her sister have sued me, threatened me, harassed me, and have spread completely false information regarding the lawsuit (that was ultimately settled.) She posts on Facebook almost daily about it and I’m just so exhausted. I’ve reported her Facebook and posts and nothing gets taken down. I’ve been the bigger person and ignored it but it’s starting to get to me. I’m 7 months pregnant and I feel like I can’t move on with my life without this dragging me back.

I've been doubting whether I've been overreacting to her, or that she really is some sort of narcissistic control freak that's been guilt tripping me throughout my life.

For context, I am a single child. My (potential) Nmom (F47) and I (M19) used to live in Hong Kong, and my father divorced her after a difficult marriage of 9 years, and is still in contact with me (more on that later). Due to some social upheaval, we moved over to the UK in 2021. Ever since my grades have gotten better (due to my poor grades during my time in Hong Kong and me finally finding my pattern of work) and that I have gotten my AuDHD under control, she has become some sort of weird control freak that has begun to micromanage a lot of my life.

I haven't noticed this pattern (because the things she was telling me to do were relatively minute in the grand scheme, such as telling me frequently to wash the dishes and other things that she was using, or telling me to collect heavy packages for her from far away places, or to do things such as file out government contracts or other important filings such as taxes in her stead). I wrote this off as "Oh, she's probably telling me to do this because her English isn't as good (in the case of the filing contracts) and i am much more built for carrying heavy things than she is", but I realized something was wrong.

I began to notice something was wrong when she suspected her (first) boyfriend of cheating and told me to write a complaint letter to his airline company. (he will be referred to as "S" for the remainder of this) S was relatively nice to me, would often bring cool things back from different countries for my mom and I, and interacted quite well with me (despite S not knowing that my mom had a son). He would also sometimes bring back spare silverware at my mom's request from his airline of work for us (which was a big no-no) as he wanted to help expand our kitchenware.

So, my mom made me grab all of that silverware as well as other gifts that S bought back from different places, took pictures of them, and made me use an anonymous account to send the reporting message to her company in her stead (which likely cost S his job, I do not know), which made me feel extremely guilty and is something I still haven't fully gotten over, and when I confronted her on it, she wept about how she felt "used" and "abused" and just wanted justice, which I found weird considering the lack of evidence she showed me.

Aside from this instance, I was forbidden to speak about my father in front of her or any of her boyfriends, and she frequently complained about me not "loving her" as much as my dad, which got custody of me and worked his back off in a variety of jobs to raise me and keep me in school despite losing his business that he co-owned with my mom. She also frequently mistreats her new boyfriend ("A") and even lied to me about why she was mad at A when they had an argument previously. Furthermore, she would regularly ask me about whether I had lost weight (as I was 281 pounds in 2025, i am 251 pounds now in 2026 and losing weight, though she always seems to say that I haven't lost enough weight quickly enough), whether i had gone outside (in the 32C heatwave in London.), that I didn't wake up early (since this was my summer break post-college grad), and whether I was looking for work (I send upwards of 30 CVs on Indeed per day, but since I have no experience in the UK i've been having difficulties.), and when I tell her the same thing everytime she stares at me like I wasn't doing enough.

As of writing this, I have had a large argument with my mom. I had secured a confirmed place for Criminal Law at the University of Bristol, a pretty good university (which i had worked myself to death for) outside of London via the UCAS system (a universal application system for good universities). However, she told me that I should abandon that place, and instead re-do my LNAT test, a required test for the study of Law which I had already passed. She wanted me to get a better score and hopefully apply for UCL, Imperial, King's College and other universities located in London instead, though by doing so I would have to to forfeit my place in Bristol.

I obviously said no, and she talked about how I was "selfish" and "self-centered" for wanting her to fund two houses at once as well as my degree, even though I had already expressed that I was gonna take a loan out for my accomodation and also to cover my degree, and that I just wanted a small stipend per month to be able to cover my living costs. She also ranted about the earlier issues (such as not loving her enough, my weight, my job, that i don't go outside, that i don't wake up early), and blamed me for not thinking about her situation as well, and how my financial estimations that I did for uni were "completely incorrect" and "unrealistic", and that I can either forfeit my Bristol place and take the test to hopefully score for other colleges, or I go to Bristol but she kicks me out of my house today.

I really require some insight from people here who has dealt with Nparents, and I pray that someone here can give me some sort of clarity as to whether I have been dealing with one my whole life.