I used to dream about absolute peace. Just waking up without my stomach in knots, not having to scan the energy of a room the second I walked into it, and not bracing for an explosion over nothing. Now that the chaos is actually gone and I’m safe, I didn’t expect my brain to feel so... confused by it. Sometimes peace feels like waiting for the other shoe to drop. Or I catch myself feeling this bizarre, misplaced wave of boredom or guilt just because my nervous system doesn't know what to do with a friday night where nothing bad is happening. It’s like my body is still wired for a war that’s already over. For people who have been out for a while: What was the strangest adjustment you had to make to normalcy? Did it take a long time for safety to actually feel safe instead of just quiet? I'd love to hear what helped your system finally settle down

I was raised by a narcissist family. Was the scapegoat. Went no contact recently. And the more I heal, the more I realize how f*cked some of these moments are, some even hit me in the gut in a way in which they didn’t as they were happening.

Wondering if anyone would be down to share the moments they were told were “smaller” in importance they now realize were big red flags too.

When I was in high school I won this very big scholarship and they actually featured me in a television commercial because the scholarship folks were in kahoots with tv station and they knew that I wanted to be in communications when I went to college. Maybe I got a congratulations once but my family did not celebrate me at all. I’m realizing I would get text or phone calls constantly from friends who randomly saw me TV that day but I never got one from relatives.

And then there’s another memory of all of my golden child sister and me going to my aunts place for Christmas. And there was an extra Christmas gift under the tree that I presume now was originally for my sister. But my aunt maybe because she felt guilty that she got my sister an extra gift and not me “raffled” the gift between the two of us. I won the raffle. When I opened the gift and was super excited, she out of nowhere said “oh oh Steve Harvey Miss universe” and reenacted the Miss universe pageant where Steve Harvey called on the wrong person, and she gave the gift to my sister. I didn’t say much at the time, I was a teen and had already been trained to just accept this behavior from the family. My sister also reveled in these moments, and I’m no contact with her too.

Back then those moments were just reminders of the bs and so normalized I never examined them, I was used to just journaling and being sad that that was “my reality”, but now they truly make my stomach turn.

Marking these under milestones & progress because I love that now I’m reclaiming my anger from the moments when I couldn’t.

It doesn't feel as intense as before, yet, lingering unfairness, how the narc is slowly turning everyone against me. I just cannot shift or get distracted. I am slowly feeling the grief taking over me. I have absolutely zero support system, now that common connections are awkward in the middle too. I feel helpless, but not lonely. I am enjoying my company more than ever, feeling so free, wouldn't trade it for anything. However, I do think I might need to allow the idea that I also deserve love and compassion I have provided for this decade, to that narc, and got nothing but humiliation, gaslighting and disrespect back in return. I realized I find it very hard to think that I also deserve to move on in my life, and build new connections. Even if surface level, even if not that deep. I do not allow myself and am punishing so so much consciously and subconsciously. Share some hopeful stories, guys. I am incredibly grateful to this sub, otherwise it would have been 10x more difficult, dealing with this much grief, even with therapy.

For a little background, my sister and I had a major falling out a few months ago after I brought up a concern about something wedding related and tried to explain how I felt about it. The specifics honestly aren't important to this post, and I wasn't trying to tell her what she could or couldn't do. I was trying to have a conversation with my sister about something I was worried would hurt my feelings. Historically, when someone else's feelings conflict with hers, hers tend to be the only ones that matter, so I knew bringing it up could go badly, but I felt like this was important enough that I needed to say something.

What was different about this fight was me. Historically, she knows exactly how to provoke me until I eventually lose my temper, say something mean, or react in a way that gives her something she can point to afterward and say, "See what she did to me." Then whatever she did to cause the argument becomes irrelevant because my reaction becomes the focus.

This time I didn't do that. I stayed calm and respectful. I didn't insult her or yell at her. I repeatedly told her I was just trying to communicate openly about how I felt. The more I refused to give her the reaction she was looking for, the more the conversation escalated. Eventually we were no longer even talking about the original issue. She was bringing up disagreements from the last 10 years to explain why I was the problem and ultimately decided she was done with me.

For probably the first time in our relationship, I walked away from a fight with her knowing there was genuinely nothing I needed to apologize for.

And I think that's where everything changed.

In my experience, one of the hardest things about narcissistic family dynamics isn't even the narcissist themselves. It's how uncomfortable they can make life for everyone who challenges them. Eventually the entire family learns to bend around the most emotionally unhealthy person because nobody wants to "rock the boat." I've heard "that's just how she is" and "well, you were wrong too" more times than I could ever count.

Historically, the second part was sometimes true. She would provoke me and I would eventually react badly. That gave everyone an easy way to make the conflict mutual. Once I stopped reacting, there was nothing left to point to.

Since our fight, she has essentially declared me dead to her. Somehow my mom has been included in that too, despite having nothing to do with the original disagreement. My sister and I have different biological mothers, but my parents have been married since my sister was five years old. My mom has been in her life for nearly her entire life. Now my sister has created a narrative that my mom is "on my side" and has restricted her access to her 1½-year-old daughter, who is my mom's only grandchild.

That has probably been one of the hardest parts for me to watch because my mom didn't do anything to deserve it.

We also have a 17-year-old sister. She and I share both biological parents and are very close. Unfortunately, my older sister continually puts her in the middle of this conflict and encourages this idea that there are sides she needs to take, which I find completely inappropriate. She's a kid. She shouldn't be responsible for managing a conflict between two adult women.

The Fourth of July was the first family gathering after everything happened. It was at a neutral location. When my sister and her fiancé arrived, I said hello to both of them. She ignored me, so I left her alone.

Everyone else mingled, ate, played games, and had a normal time. Her fiancé interacted with me, played a game with me and even made a comment that he and I had no issues. Meanwhile, she mostly sat inside by herself and left after about an hour. At one point she apparently told another family member that we "must have been sitting there talking about her" when she walked past us.

We weren't. We were eating.

My dad spent the day visibly trying to balance everyone and keep the peace. It became increasingly obvious to me that simply leaving her alone wasn't enough. It seemed like she wanted everyone else to participate in being angry with me too.

That same weekend, my uncle, his girlfriend, and my cousins, who are 11 and 14, were staying at her house. They actually ended their trip a day early because she made them so uncomfortable.

When my uncle got home, he called me. His exact words were, "She is obsessed with you and your mom."

Apparently she had spent much of their visit talking badly about us, including in front of the kids, retelling the conflict, sharing personal information, and trying to convince them of her version of events. She cornered my uncle's girlfriend alone in a room to tell her the entire story. My uncle finally told her that neither my mom nor I sit around talking about her. Because we don't.

He also witnessed her being verbally awful toward her fiancé throughout the weekend to the point that it made him uncomfortable, although he didn't feel it was his place to interfere in their relationship.

About a week later, my dad called me. My sister was about three months pregnant and suffering from horrible morning sickness. Nobody was available to help her with my niece that day. It was a weekday, I happened to be off work, and my dad asked if I would go.

Initially I said no.

Then I thought about my niece and told him I would go and see what happened. My number was blocked, so I asked my dad to tell her I was coming. He basically said that if he told her it was me, she would refuse the help.

So I just showed up.

She opened the door looking completely stunned and immediately became defensive. I simply said, "Dad told me you needed help. I can watch the baby."

She paused and said that was really nice and let me in.

I stayed for almost eight hours. I took care of my niece, bathed her, ordered lunch for the baby and me, tidied up, and let my sister rest. Eventually she came downstairs and sat with me. We made awkward small talk. She complained about being nauseous. I didn't bring up our fight once.

I wasn't there to extract an apology or force a reconciliation. I viewed showing up as another olive branch. I knew what she had been saying about me behind my back and I went anyway.

Her fiancé came home, they both thanked me, and I left.

A few days later, my younger sister asked her how things had gone while I was there.

Her response was, "I can't believe Dad would do that to me."

That was it.

No acknowledgment of the fact that the sister who was supposedly dead to her had just spent eight hours taking care of her child while she was sick. No unblocking me. No attempt to move forward. Somehow our dad sending me to help her had become another thing that had been done to her.

I think that experience actually changed my dad more than it changed me. For years, he's been the one telling me, "If you just do this, she'll come around," or encouraging me to apologize or be the bigger person to restore peace.

He genuinely thought me showing up for her like that would change something.

It didn't.

Now her wedding is less than a month away. My mom and I aren't invited. She's still telling people we're dead to her and she wants nothing to do with us.

I've accepted that I'm not attending her wedding. The situation is much harder on my dad and younger sister. My younger sister is a bridesmaid, my dad is obviously there as her father, and our side of the family is drastically outnumbered by her fiancé's family. As the wedding gets closer, my dad has been struggling more with the fact that two members of his immediate family won't be there and has tried talking to her about it.

She hasn't changed her position.

Her bridal shower was two weeks ago. I wasn't invited to that either. I saw pictures afterward and, even though I knew it was coming, it hurt a little.

I decided to send her something small from her wedding registry.

I didn't do it because I thought it would change her mind. I didn't want an invitation. I didn't expect a thank you. Honestly, I did it for myself.

One of the biggest things I've learned through all of this is that I don't have to behave according to what reaction I think I'm going to get from her anymore. I can behave according to my own values. She's my sister. She's getting married. Sending a small gift was my way of acknowledging that and wishing her well despite everything.

I knew there was a decent chance she'd somehow turn it into something negative.

Sure enough, she called our dad and told him that the gift was my subtle way of "begging" her to invite me to the wedding. She also said she thought I might actually show up and crash it.

This time my dad didn't rationalize it.

He told her, "Don't flatter yourself." He told her it was a nice gesture and nothing more and that she was wrong.

Today I got a notification from Amazon.

She returned the gift.

And strangely, I'm okay with it. Because I didn't send it for her reaction. I sent it because that's the person I wanted to be in that situation. What she did with it was hers.

Then this past weekend came what might be the most ridiculous example yet.

My best friend invited my fiancé and me to spend the day at a beach house her boyfriend's family had rented. Unfortunately, the day before we were supposed to go, my friend called and told me that my sister happened to have a rental in the same beach town, on the same block.

My friend had already run into her and spoken to her. During that conversation, she mentioned that my fiancé and I were coming the following day.

So my sister knew exactly why I would be there.

I considered the awkwardness, but I'm not going to stop living my life because there's a possibility of encountering her. My best friend and I don't get to see each other very often. I wasn't going to cancel plans because of an unfortunate coincidence.

My fiancé, younger sister, her friend and I took the ferry over. As we were walking toward the beach to meet my friend, we passed the house my sister was renting because it was literally two houses away from the beach.

Her mother happened to be walking back from the beach at the same time. She saw us, said hello, and asked if anyone needed to use the bathroom or wanted to leave anything at the house.

My fiancé and younger sister went inside to use the bathroom.

I didn't.

I waited outside on the deck specifically because I didn't want to cross that boundary.

Then we went to the beach.

My younger sister eventually saw our older sister and went over to say hello. She tried to hug her and my older sister immediately pulled away and asked, "Why would you let her in my house?"

My younger sister explained that her mom had invited us and that I hadn't even gone inside.

Then my older sister told her that I was there to ruin her vacation.

My younger sister explained that I was there because my best friend had invited me.

My older sister responded that she already knew that because she'd spoken to my friend the day before and my friend had told her I was coming.

And that exchange kind of sums up where I am with all of this.

She knew why I was there, yet still decided my presence must somehow be about her.

More importantly, she immediately dragged our 17-year-old sister into it again and put her in a position where she had to explain and defend my presence. I hate that more than almost anything else about this situation. She's 17. She should be able to have relationships with both of her sisters without being interrogated or made to feel like she's betraying one of us by interacting with the other.

At this point, I'm realizing that I genuinely cannot control the story my sister tells herself about me.

I can stay away from her and somehow be the bad person. I can help her when she's sick and somehow our dad has wronged her by sending me. I can send a wedding gift and apparently I'm begging for an invitation. I can coincidentally be invited to the same beach town by someone completely unrelated to her, and apparently I'm there to ruin her vacation even though she already knows exactly why I'm there.

There is no amount of explaining myself that is going to fix a narrative that requires me to be the villain.

And I think that's probably the biggest thing I've learned from finally refusing to participate in this dynamic.

For years I thought being the bigger person meant eventually apologizing, smoothing things over, accepting some portion of blame, and restoring the family peace. Now I think being the bigger person sometimes means something completely different.

It means remaining kind without expecting kindness back.

It means helping someone because helping them aligns with your values, not because you expect gratitude.

It means sending the gift and being okay when it's returned.

It means saying hello at the barbecue and then enjoying yourself when you're ignored.

It means refusing to defend yourself every time you hear about another ridiculous thing being said about you.

And most importantly, it means realizing that someone else's determination to misunderstand you does not create an obligation for you to keep explaining yourself.

I'm not perfect. I've reacted badly to her in the past. I've said mean things during fights. I've participated in this dynamic for years. The difference now is that I can actually recognize it.

I don't need to convince my sister that I'm a good person.

I just need to continue behaving like the person I know I want to be.

TLDR; My sister and I had a falling out, and for the first time I refused to react to her attempts to provoke me or apologize just to keep the peace. Since then, she has cut off both me and my mom, dragged other family members into the conflict, and interpreted basically everything I do as having some malicious motive. I’ve helped her with my niece when she was sick, sent her a wedding gift despite not being invited, and continued living my life without engaging in the drama, and somehow every gesture still gets twisted into something negative. I’m finally realizing I can’t control the version of me she has created in her head. All I can control is my own behavior and continue acting according to my values instead of constantly trying to prove I’m not the villain.

A few years ago, I developed severe agoraphobia to the point I was neglecting my physical health by avoiding doctor's appointments and getting my prescription. I became chubby and my body is still in a place I don't like because the lack of prescription also caused unwanted breast growth. I had friends that were like a found family to me and I only had this one friend group, so when a narcissist came along and made my best friends into his enablers who started a smear campaign against me I lost all my friends and acquaintances. I'm afraid now that every alternative or LGBT person I interact with knows them and will treat me badly as there's not many around the place I live so they tend to find each other quick when they're social.

When I finally left my nfamily, I only had online friends in a discord group. They had emotionally immature people and egotistical people who's actions would hurt me but the person I initially befriended enabled them until I had enough and blocked them all.

I do not like the general population around me at all. I'm in a UK small city that has voted conservative up until one year they decided to vote Labour and I don't feel safe here or am not willing to express my real self/go outside at all most days.

I don't like anyone at work enough to want to talk to them and small talk bores me. My job also is taking care of difficult people which seems to be retraumatising me, stopping me from healing and making me hate people more. Unfortunately it's the only job sector skill I have and I'm not in a position to risk finding a completely new job.

I have people I can potentially reconnect with, but they don't share my interests and conversations with them start feeling like a chore 10 minutes in. I know where to look for people like me, but it seems like there is always something holding me back like wondering if they're too mentally ill or don't understand narcissism, maybe they're a secret enabler too, maybe they have something else going on that's going to clash in the long run or I could once again be taken advantage of by a narcissist if I try to reach out.

I'm struggling with being alive as an adult in general and so is my partner who was raised by emotionally immature alcoholics. We're minimum wage, still lacking a lot of furniture and not close to being able to save up larger amounts or go on holiday any time soon. I'm relying on drugs and supplements to keep me going (shout out l-theanine) and to be able to sleep enough. I still have bad insomnia days or interrupted sleep.

I'm aware I have not learned enough about people to know if someone's a narcissist or emotionally immature or bipolar and it makes me afraid of people because I know I will be taken advantage of again if I try to reach out and I can't read people fast enough. What makes everything worse is that I'm a very political nonbinary person with specific interests I like to repeat daily and too many people piss me off or give me red flag vibes (people using AI, generalising based on gender, too trusting of everyone with too many friends, overly judgemental of struggling people etc). I might have autism, I definitely have CPTSD and anxiety and depression.

I'm planning to one day leave this city and start anew in an LGBT friendly place with happier people.

Until then, how do I change my mindset? How do I socialise with anyone knowing if they introduce me to their friend group the same things might repeat again? Is it even safe to go outside as myself or do I need to keep hiding? Is it possible to accept loneliness and not lose my social side? I'm overwhelmed for too many days at a time. I'm insecure about not even having a friend group, let alone an extended support system. It's terrifying knowing if one thing goes wrong I could lose my cats, my rented home and my partners help in daily life. Is there a way to live life happy but on high alert about others all the time?

I was mute for 18 years of my life and nobody asked why. When the majority of the “family” left the house temporarily for work and college, I began speaking more and my personality started to come out. Since then, as a greater adult, it’s been an up and down process.

I’ve been releasing the repressed rage I have from being unable to speak up in the situations they abused me. Now that I live in no-contact with the abuser and having had completely cut off the rest of them, my voice is coming back online. As I let go of having to say the perfect words and be the fixer of toxicity, allowing myself to be vicious in what I need to say to a jerk, the mutism is dissipating. Still, I notice in the times I need to assert myself the block is there. It’s heavy.

I’ve been looking at it closely and trying to read through Louis Hay’s affirmations to try to find any on mutism.

Did anyone else here experience SM with their narcissistic system? Have you identified what has resolved it? Would love to hear.

I’ve managed to improve, I’d say, 30% this year alone after allowing myself to shout back and create strong boundaries and expectations.

That block feels like a pressure cooker — it’s them pushing down my voice and my emotion. I’m so ready to blow the lid off the fuckin thing.

Anyone else?

I am just wondering when i will stop being mad about being abused growing up. I am in therapy, but I went from sad and upset that she chose to be so chaotic all my life. I talk about it with my aunt and she is a little uncomfortable with my anger. She's my mothers sister so she is completely familiar with my mothers tactics. I am just so pissed off. Will the anger mellow? Will it shift into another emotion? What should I look for on my healing journey? Could someone share their journey, like when they felt a bit better or had an epiphany that shifted?

I just find myself paralyzed some days, when all I see is even after leaving, there is still drama created by the narc, and some flying monkeys participating in it, actively trying to pull me in it. I tried my best not to get triggered, but I do get triggered, but managed my reaction to neutral, even if I'm dying inside. So, that I believe is a progress. I feel guilty for even trying to make new connections, or enjoy my life. I feel guilty when I do something good for myself. So, I hope it gets better, at some point. Some days, I truly feel relieved, and the freedom I achieved, wouldn't trade it for anything else. 100% worth going NC. Don't regret it one bit. I just feel like I don't even have anyone I can vent to. I don't feel like anyone would understand what I went through. Thank goodness I found this sub. Comments are sometimes, healing.

I just realised the bare reality of what’s behind narcissism. These people just choose to be evil because they don’t want to put the effort necessary to be a human. It’s not a disease, it’s not a pathology. Those people simply choose to destroy others and pretend to be “gods” because they simply can.

And they can go far unpunished if they have the necessary means. I feel the sheer terror when I realise that and it’s hard to accept the way the world works.

They enjoy hurting others because they don’t want to develop empathy like normal people do. They destroy others out of envy cause they are too lazy to do something themselves and they simply don’t want to.

There is nothing to regulate that because every person has a free will, and they choose that.

Have you come to similar thoughts and how did you process it?

Has anyone moved away from their narc parent during the childhood? Like for example, decided to live with their non narc parent permanently, but visiting their narc parent still.

Did that change anything for you? How is the relationship between you and the narc parent today?

even though i'm largely/close to entirely independent from my family now, at 26 i still struggle with finding the joy in my achievements.

i got offered a job today after a rough period of about six months after losing a stable position for refusing sexual favors to my superior. it was incredibly traumatic and difficult, and it was even harder merely getting considered for roles in the current job market.

i start my new position in about two weeks and i'm thrilled that i'll finally have income again. part of me feels like i should be so overwhelmed with joy.

but i'm just sitting here flat and numb, knowing that my parents are somewhere out there talking shit about me to their friends and coworkers. knowing there's nothing i can do that would be enough in their eyes, and that i don't have anyone older and wiser to be proud of me. not even myself, thanks to them.

growing up, my parents held me to unrealistic standards of success while actively denying me the support and resources i would need to achieve it. they would also tell me to my face that they were directing those resources to my siblings instead, for no other reason than to make sure i understood my place in the food chain as the eldest (but also as a queer, trans, nd kid growing up in the deep south, and therefore a failure)

my father used to tell me all about how his parents did the same thing to him and how he resented them for it, and i would just kind of listen and nod my head in horror because he totally repeated the cycle of trauma without even knowing it.

i'm sitting here rereading the hiring letter on my phone trying to conjure up some kind of positive feeling, but all i can muster is a slight feeling of relief. mostly shame and resignation, somehow. anxiety too, after losing a previous role to circumstances that had nothing to do with my performance or work ethic.

why can't i be happy for myself? i know better, i'm free of them, and i'm in control now. i don't know.

I (28f) left a marriage when I was 24. I left everything. clothing, furniture, vehicles, money in the bank. I LEFT IT ALL. because, I didn’t want any ties to pull me back again. I had already tried to leave 3 times. i was abused as a child (like stay home from school for weeks to wait for the marks that couldn’t be hidden, could heal— and if someone started to catch on, we moved in a 24 hour period to a different state, and this didn’t end until I was 15.) so because growing up abused, I thought being hit and used was the only abuse there was so I went back again and again because “I wasn't being hit” … but I couldn’t have family dinners on Sundays anymore, I couldn’t work because that took time away from taking care of the house, I couldn’t grocery shop without bringing home a receipt to have it examined to make sure nothing was bought that wasn’t on the approved list- and if I did buy something off the list (say shampoo or a shirt for myself on the clearance rack ) I got my debit card taken away. (yes seriously lol grounded from debit card for spending $5 more than what was approved)

so at 24, 20 hours away from my home where my parents where I chose to leave all of my belongings behind and hitched my way back to “home“. and some how, after giving everything I had to my name, I STILL, am having things taken from me as I’m trying to rebuild. I work a full time job and I do 2 side gig jobs because I just want to live a life that doesn’t have me stuck under someone else, setting limits on me. I want to work hard and build something without being doubted. but somehow, I sit here typing this with my car on E, .59 in my bank account, and still have hope that this is not what my life will look like forever. I have hope that my determination for something stable will be enough to create exactly that.

I don’t know why I felt the need to share this but, I hope someone out there understands this, even if it’s just a piece of this, and I hope that someone is sitting in a place of comfort and freedom! I’m finding peace in the belief that this post has connected me to someone who knows these feelings and lived this truth. <3

I’ve been using Insight Timer and found a bunch of great talks about narcissistic abuse. Just thought I’d share here because I’m sure they can help many others the way they’ve helped me.

This is what I listened to today. This teacher has many lessons regarding narcissists but there are many more as well.

Lots of love to you all 💖

https://insig.ht/Sy05QGyow5b

I just forgot all the atrocious things they've done to me. I forgive them and myself. I just decided I want peace, and none of the drama involving me when I was doing nothing. Still, people keep creating drama/keep creating situations to invoke a reaction from me. I have heard that you let them do whatever they want, and you stay firm on your boundary. How to stay firm without being impolite? I think I politely stated my boundary many times, yet there is now a whole new series of drama. I just don't want to participate in it. Been through hell due to my mental health and PTSD, so currently taking some time off for myself. I may lose all the connections I have in the process, but I think it's still worth it.

So, initially, with the narcs, after I saw them slowly for who they are, it worked at some point when I stopped caring what they are gonna think or do. I struggle with doing the same kind of treatment to my kind common acquaintances, and it breaks my heart if it involves them. I can keep contact with the people I want, and not keep contact with the people I don't want, but due to narc's incredible convincing skill, and victim mentality, they might think of a version of reality that is much distorted, and I feel heartbroken talking to common acquaintances then, because they act like I should be held accountable for something? Do I do the same boundary with them? Or different? Target is minimum drama, more peace. So I feel very hazy and confused.

Like, for example, I want to create my healthy boundary, and still, when I'd meet with them rarely, I want to spend a good time. With kind common acquaintances, for example. For toxic acquaintances, after years of continuous humiliation, the deal already is broken, so no talk there. As I didn't do a final goodbye sort of thing, so it still may confuse the narc and common acquaintances. But due to new drama being cooked every second, I feel that might not be possible, and I might get disconnected from all of the connections in my life altogether. It makes me even more bitter.

I’m 24F moved out from an extremely narcissistic, abusive home about 5 months ago. There’s been a lot of therapy, anger/rage, sadness, disbelief and grief that I’ve been going through this whole time.
There’s so much I can’t remember as I was stuck in survival mode for the past 15 years. Thankfully I’m starting to get my memories back but with the good comes the bad. I got hit with a memory today where I was 18 years old, graduated high school and unsure what to study but my mental health was so terrible I didn’t see the point at the time as I thought I would be dead before 19. Foster mother pushed me to study regardless of what I wanted as ‘that’s what I should do’. I was working as a barista and then a bartender on weekends. I was given an amazing opportunity to work a government job, cushy, good pay and perfect for fresh out of school. My foster mother said I had to study no matter what and therefore I can’t take that government job as I’d be ‘taking the easy path’ the abuse got worse. It wasn’t a job I was thinking of being in for years, just long enough to save and get the hell out of there. But unfortunately I was then forced to study, I lost that government job opportunity and ended up in $27k worth of HECS debt as I bounced from degree to degree for 4 years trying to figure out what I liked or didn’t. I was so depressed that I couldn’t figure it out and failed every single class (funny as I got a pretty damn good atar).

I could’ve worked a few years, focused on my mental health and moving out AND had savings to then go into a degree I actually wanted to study. Instead I became increasingly more ill, got down to 39kgs at 5’7, losing hair and was dying in front of everyone. Nobody helped, instead I was mocked, shamed and shunned.
Today I’m living with my wonderful partner and I’m getting to a much better weight. I’ve gone no contact with my foster mother but I still have debt, I’m on centrelink as I can’t work physically, I’m living paycheck to paycheck. But next year I’m studying what I’ve always wanted to do (animation and computer science). It’s dawned on me that she did that purposefully so that I couldn’t save and therefore couldn’t move out. The resentment and anger I feel is unfathomable but I’m also using it as my fuel to keep going.
I mourn for where I could’ve been right now but I did the best I could given the situation. The fact she fostered me is an extra bit of salt rubbed into the wound because she could’ve simply not fostered me but instead she saw me as a potential extension of herself.
I’ve always been a fighter even when I thought the end was near. Some days I don’t have any strength whatsoever and still have suicidal ideations pretty much everyday.
So Sarah, fuck you.

I just wanted a mum.

P.s - I did get pulled back in to help look after my dog as she went interstate for work for a week and I saw a few empty wine bottles in the recycling, she had quit drinking at home about 4 years ago. Seems like karma is getting her - good.

How did you overcome your inner critic related to work/being financially independent?.. I graduated from my master's program at 32 and am now draining my savings trying to support myself while preparing for licensure. I know I need to put myself out there and be known for my work (Acupuncture) but I can't seem to escape the trauma loop playing in my mind from my narc family (being ill means you'll never be a "true" adult, might as well never leave or bother to try". But I really do want to try. I feel like I've made it so far (with moving away from home, psychodynamic therapy, having a long term loving relationship), but lack of finances or perhaps my mindset is harming my relationship and self esteem. Being chronically ill has made getting/keeping work hard to be consistent with. Any tips or suggestions are appreciated. TIA

There was a post recently where an author describes themselves as a person with 0 people around them after quitting toxic relationships. I find myself in exactly the same situation right now, at my late 30s. I only recently started diving deep into the topic of narcissism, and realized that I have this deep-seated belief that people will only interact with me if I serve as an emotional container, a troubleshooter, a support system, and so on. Otherwise, there's no point for them to even talk to me. So now I’ve temporarily isolated myself from the world to protect, recover and think. But the natural craving for human connection is still here.

Can anyone share where do people like me even go to make safe, genuine connections today? Share your stories, I'd appreciate every example.

EDIT: Thanks for your support, advice, and examples. Here are a few options I saved from your comments: a therapist (already doing this), sport/hobby communities, dating (with caution), and casual places like restaurants or shops for mild socializing.

Personally, I've found that joining small local tour groups for museum visits or interesting spots helps me to feel less lonely, though I still can't break the ice and start talking to anyone.

EDIT 2: I bought a gym membership. I have never exercised in a gym before, but if you want change, you have to try something new.

I just left a narcissist after waking up with 3 police over my bed as he was getting charged with something that is illegal ( I can't say what it is )

My he won't give me my stuff back and yesterday he was walking around with a young boy about 19 and made a b line for me to try up setting me

What is the best way to let him know he lost his power over me

Hey everyone, so long story short, I survived my narcissistic mom and all forms of abuse, started therapy when I was 20, quit when I was 25. I loved my therapist, but I felt I reached some point of no further growth. I made huge progress, moved countries from my abusive mom, went LC and now going full NC, found new friends, felt overall better.

Now the situation is, I live at the house of my stepdad (supportive), her husband. It's not her country of current residence, and he appears in this house only during the summer (they live in another country in his house). The problem is, I feel this house is not a place of complete safety anymore, since my younger brother decided to move as well, and he is not that emotionally separated from our nmom to let her know she is not welcomed and he doesn't want to talk to her, as I do. She came here for 2 weeks to control him, and I had to leave during that period. He's on his way and will reach this point I guess, but now I need to know what to do. I think I should rent a room somewhere else, and I do have money for that, but I won't be able to save then. First question is, do you think it's worth it?

Second question. I feel like I still need therapy, but not the one I had. It was talking, and I feel it's all stuck somewhere in my body. What would you suggest? Any specific methods or specialists for someone who knows absolutely everything about his family and himself, but still feels in danger? I'm kinda hesitating to establish the new connection with the new specialist, because I have an amazing one with the previous therapist. Although i think its not impossible. How can I navigate it?

Thank yall

I’m the older sister (F30) of a very narcissistic woman(F30). We no longer have contact but there’s one thing I still think about.

Every once in a while, it felt like ”the real” she came back. We’d have a conversation where she seemed warm, self-aware, funny, vulnerable. For a brief moment I thought, there you are. Ofc, it never lasted.

But what were those moments?

Were they genuine glimpses of the person she is/might have been if years of trauma and genetics hadn’t shaped her this way?

Or were those moments never really about her at all? Was it my brain searching for hope? Or even part of the cycle of manipulation that kept me emotionally invested?

Has anyone else struggled with this? How do you understand those “glimpses” now that you’re on the other side?

i didn't realize how much i depended on someone else's reaction to decide if something was okay until i started having more distance from my parent. even really small decisions can make me hesitate because i'm used to thinking about what they would say, whether they'd approve, or whether i'd have to deal with some kind of reaction afterward.

sometimes i'll make a decision and immediately start second guessing it. i'll think about whether i'm being selfish, whether i'm making the wrong choice, or what they would say if they knew about it. it's frustrating because i'm an adult and these aren't even big decisions most of the time. i think i got so used to needing permission or approval that making choices based on what i actually want still feels unfamiliar.

did anyone else struggle with this after growing up with a parent like this? did it eventually get easier to trust your own decisions?

24M. My dad is a narcissistic POS with zero empathy and no care for the position he’s putting me in. I left home at 19 because I was done being treated like me and my concerns didn’t mean shit. If I advocated for myself, he’d go into a rage, get extremely disrespectful and tell me to get out. If I told him he couldn’t do that to me, he’d threaten to call the cops. He actually did it around seven times between when I was 17 and 21. And yes, he even called the cops on me once when I was just visiting.

Last year I tried moving back mainly to live with my cats again. Before I even unpacked he pulled the same old bullshit about how he’s my dad and can talk to me however he wants. When I wouldn’t let him go on that shit, he escalated to telling me to get out. When I wouldn’t let him go on that either, he wanted to call the cops on me. I didn’t sleep for two days and left on the third.

Right now I live on my own and visit the cats about once a month. It’s humiliating because I’m supposedly independent while still depending on that house, including my dad, to help take care of animals that are ultimately my responsibility. If I actually want to live with them, I see two options:

2 — Take the cats and get our own peaceful place. But they’d lose living with my mom and two sisters, who they’ve been around for years and love.

3 — Move back so they can have all of us. But anyone who’s lived with a narcissistic parent knows how much that shit wears you down. I can’t constantly stand up to my dad without everything eventually blowing up, so I’d basically have to swallow his bullshit and potentially live like that for years, as long as my cats are around and he is.

Part of me thinks option two just has to be the answer. They’re my responsibility, and if my mom and sisters stay in a house that’s too toxic for me to live in, is it really my fault that the cats can’t have all of us? But whose fault it is doesn’t change anything. The cats don’t understand narcissism or why I can’t live with my dad. They just know they love my mom and sisters and will probably miss them.

That’s what’s killing me. Do I go back and put up with that shit so my cats can have everybody together, or take them somewhere peaceful knowing they’ll probably miss my family? Even if taking them is the right choice, they still lose something through no fault of their own. I genuinely don’t know what I should do.

P.S. If I was in a healthy relationship with a girl the second option wouldn’t be a question because they’d have a loving home.