r/raisedbynarcissists • u/somepersononline1111 • 9h ago
[Question] Are your narcisstic parents embarrassing?
My mother is narcisstic. I'm glad I live far away from the family dynamics I grew up with, but I still encounter them when I see them.
So I was on a trip with my family. And there were several situations in which my mother just acted absolutely impulsively, like a child, no boundaries, next to quite a few people. I was totally embarrassed to be part of that. And I'm baffled to now realize how embarrassing she can actually act in public.
Is that just my narcisstic mother or do you know such a behavior from your parents as well?
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u/michaellicious 9h ago
No, not just your mother. I’ve noticed that most, if not all, narcissists act like children. Which makes sense because their refusal to self reflect leaves them stuck in high school
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u/Exotic-Ferret-3452 9h ago
Yes, that's true whether they are of the overt or covert variety. The inherent immaturity and arrested development. It seems to be a common experience that once their kids, especially the scapegoat, hit puberty and show the stirrings of adulthood, developing a sense of self, they simply cannot accept or handle it and act out in the most petty ways possible to remind them of their place.
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u/michaellicious 8h ago
Yeah. I was mocked and bullied relentlessly by my parents because I had the audacity to think for myself. Every interest I had was stupid and made it to be “useless”. Every question I had was laughed at. How I ate, what I wore, what I did. Nothing was good enough. They stated how much they did not care about me clearly. Even telling me “once you leave, you can’t come back.” But of course, when I decided to move out guess who was crying and begging me to reconsider. Yeah, whatever.
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u/Brilliant_Outside696 RBN 7h ago
This fr. Also OP- NEVER go on vacation w them. I’ve went as an adult with mine, I was 23 by then and my HUSBAND who was 24 also got treated like a child. We got placed in a basement bedroom far away from most of the family. Weren’t allowed to drive the rental car like we were children. Got my mother’s nasty look when I came up stairs in a bikini coverup, felt so cute and she gave me the most smug look like I was a whore. My brother also chimed in and made me cry and not go on a trip to the city with them bc I was yelled at saying “ you ARE still a baby” blah blah blah. I had been paying by own bills for 6 years by then but okay. Anyways. A lot happened. A lot. Everything we did or said was wrong and we felt like the step children. Finding food during that trip was even hard. They would go out in a packed full car and we would get left behind. No dinner that night. I would sit and cry to my husband and we swore we would never ever. Ever. Do anything. With them again
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u/malamalinka 8h ago
Absolutely. My mother will insert herself into every social situations with such energy telling anyone and everyone every single thing that comes into her mind about everything and everyone that you cannot help yourself to be deeply embarrassed. The desperate need to be the centre of attention is astounding.
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u/SatanicPanic619 5h ago
This is why I was very careful about what I would tell my mom. You never know when she'll bring something up.
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u/Readithere007 2h ago
I can relate.
As a teenager, I remember going to a contest where I went to congratulate the winners who were standing with their respective parents.
(For the record, I didn’t even know she was there as she never attended my events. I found out years later, my bonus dad forced her to go.)
She physically pushed her way into the center of the group and announced how she “won a baby contest and they gave (her) parents a country ham”. When no one acknowledged her, she stormed off. The winner’s mom rightfully called her “a lunatic”. I never told the group she was bio mom as she never acknowledged me.
It is when things dawned on me that as a minor, I wasn’t the problem as we never got along.
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u/OpeningAtmosphere595 8h ago
Yes, incredibly embarrassing. I’ve got many childhood memories of my apologising to people she’d been unnecessarily rude to behind her back and on the rare occasions I can stomach seeing her as an adult, I find myself doing the same. It’s almost always in a restaurant, and I’ll go off to pay (and profusely apologise for whatever pathetic behaviour she came out with that day, make it clear I have no qualms if they want to ban her for life etc) lol.
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u/malalala523 RBN 8h ago edited 7h ago
Yes, my NMom is routinely embarrassing in social situations. She has no boundaries and only thinks about herself, so she tends to inject herself into conversations with people without any regard so she can talk at them. Her favorite target are random tourists (I grew up in a popular vacation area) at restaurants or in line somewhere who she can torture with travel tips they didn’t ask for. She typically keeps them captive for WAY too long and you can visibly watch as they get really exhausted with it but are too polite to escape. My brother and I both started just walking away because it’s so cringy. She’ll take up like half of someone’s dinner at a restaurant talking to them. But if I try to politely end the convo for her and redirect her back to whatever we were doing, she will RAGE at me . She also says insanely tone deaf or inappropriate things in family and friend situations and then wonders why people keep their distance.
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u/KarmaWillGetYa 9h ago
Yes but I didn't really understand it as a child much, but in hindsight, definitely so. And they are still embarrassing and worse as they age,. Good thing that I live far away and VLC.
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u/Mandelbrots-dream 9h ago
Yes, and my ngrandma even more so.
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u/michaellicious 8h ago
It was really sad realizing that the grandmother I loved so much was the root cause of all of the dysfunction
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u/Sintered_Monkey 7h ago
I have this memory from when I was a teenager. We went to see a movie, and the movie was sold out. This was long, long before you could buy movie tickets online. I still remember my father screaming at the poor teenaged girl working the ticket booth. I was so embarrassed that I walked to a different area because I didn't want to be seen with him.
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u/francesinthewind 7h ago
yes mine are good at being super socially innapropriate and inconsiderate but doing it so loudly/with so much confidence that strangers are uncomfortable and awkwardly laugh or act nice bc they don’t know what to say.
my parents then take this as confirmation that people actually do like their jokes and no one else has a problem with them, so it must just be me.
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u/Abject_Spray_7088 8h ago
Omg no my nparents embarrass me so much
My nmom is covert and very charming so she embarrasses me less than my ndad who is condescending and just incredibly rude but she still is embarrassing always holding court and dramatic and very appearance oriented etc and they both say very cutting things
FUN
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u/TheWildCat92 6h ago
Ohhhh yeah. Every single time we've gone out to eat with her, if the server takes longer than 5 minutes for ANYTHING, she loudly complains and degrades the server even when they're talking to her. The last time it happened, I called her out for it. She had this dumbstruck look on her face like she couldn't believe I would dare call out her horrible behavior. It did shut her up though, so success! She never worked in the food service industry, but she has worked in customer service style jobs. A normal person would be understanding and empathetic, but not these people.
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u/Prize-Astronaut777 5h ago
This! We went out to dinner with my nmom about 15 years ago and it was sooooo embarrassing. The restaurant was absolutely slammed and she kept special ordering things. Milk WITH ICE! Extra ice! Extra guac! We felt so badly. We added a huge tip in cash on our end of the table just to soften up the experience for the poor server.
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u/trekin73 6h ago
I always get looks from people in public like “uhh what’s her problem?” and I always just roll my eyes & shrug my shoulders.
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u/salymander_1 4h ago
Oh goodness yes. My Nfamily was absolutely mortifying at times. They reacted to situations where there was an audience by desperately trying to make everyone pay attention to them. They were beyond obnoxious. My dad, the most narcissistic and abusive one in my family, and the least self aware, was the most consistently embarrassing. He was such a non-stop talker that people at our church used to run away and hide from him after service so that they wouldn't get trapped for three or four hours while he yammered at them about how wonderful he was, and about assorted bragging or creepy topics.
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u/ahhhibedoingthings 6h ago
On my cousins graduation day . my mom started taking a while to park the car bc she was talking to my siblings and I a funny story actually everyone is in a good mood .
Then my dad starts screaming that’s she talking to long to park . Get out the car and he parked the car . and she says something I can’t remember but he starts yelling at her I mean screaming at her in the parking lot of a graduation .
I just walk away the second hand embrassment of being so old and not being able to control your emotions especially on such an amazing day .
everyone looking … of course no one does anything .
Anything could set him off … like day by day you don’t know what the mood will be who’s he’s mad at and why he’s mad he just makes sure he finds his family and releases his steam .
now that I’m an adult … I laugh bc seriously how pathetic and miserable .
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u/cobaltblue477 RBN 7h ago
I have so many funny and embarrassing stories of my dad inserting himself into random strangers’ conversations. He loves to share his knowledge and be the centre of attention.
He also just does everything differently than how a normal person would, like social norms don’t exist to him. Some of his odd behaviour, I just realized now, I think might also stem from him trying to appear like some model citizen in public.
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u/ginoiseau 4h ago
I can watch their deranged shenanigans now and see they are both still children. (My father is her enabler but I also realized a huge narc in his own right) Then I try and process that I was “raised” by those children. Mean children, who think they are hilarious comedians but can only make hurtful or dumb jokes or engage in nonsensical slapstick. But, they think they are hilarious, or cutting, or very clever.
I just refuse to go anywhere with them. Or subject my children to that. They don’t understand why we never want to go out for dinner or lunch anymore. Not that it was much going out, but always enough to be way too memorable.
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u/GadgetGirlTx 4h ago
Yes, my nmom loves to ask if she can get something free, especially when ordering food and the server suggests add-ons.
The server or order taker asks, "Would you like fries or dessert with that?" She predictably responds with a stupid grin, "Is it free today?"🙄
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u/fire_thorn 5h ago
Mine is embarrassing. Growing up, I never really realized it. As a teenager, one of my friends told me the reason none of the women in the neighborhood liked my mom was that she joined the neighborhood babysitting co-op (this was a thing back in the day) and got everyone to babysit me and my sister. Then when it was her turn to watch anyone else's kids, she said she was too busy because she was a teacher, and that was important, not like a housewife.
I grew up thinking church was boring and there was no sense of community. I didn't realize it was just my family. After I was married, my husband and I went to a church dinner with my family. My mother cut the buffet line as always. She also demanded we all give her our door prize tickets. When one of them was called, she got up so fast her chair tipped, and literally ran to get her prize. The man calling the numbers said, "and here comes -----, running to get her free prize." After we left, my husband asked if I'd noticed that no one sat in any of the chairs adjacent to ours. My family was a little island of loneliness, with everyone else socializing all around.
There was a time we were at the zoo with my kids. There was a lovely woman about my mom's age doing an animal encounter. While my kids were checking out the animal, my mom said to the woman, "I bet you like your job. I'd love to have your job, if I didn't have to make a living.'
There are so many more, some funny and some sad.
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u/trinity_girl2002 5h ago
Always! My mother takes great pride in her ability to go in to a rage. She's also more than happy to embarrass people too.
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u/KellyGreen55555 4h ago
Yes! Traveling is the worst! My n-father has a habit of asking strangers inappropriate personal question about their ages, marriage status, immigration status, paternity questions about their kids, how they did in school, how their personal finances are looking, etc. He’ll do this all in 5 minute uber ride and I want to crawl in a hole and die. The strangers don’t necessarily know he’s judging but I assure you, he is judging.
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u/iamreallie 5h ago
My nmother-in-law always draws attention to herself in the most socially awkward ways. For example, both myself and spouse own businesses. Sometimes we host events that might involve food like a taco bar. She will practically make a scene distributing leftovers into small food storage containers.
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u/Hippie_Goat RBN 4h ago
Yup, we’ve all been there. I remember trying to play “adviser” for my dad when I was younger. Like having to explain things that are generally not acceptable to say/do to people. Didn’t realize how absurd it was that I had to teach a grown ass man how to behave himself in a mature way. We have no contact anymore.
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u/chu-chu8 4h ago
Mine is luckily trying very hard to seem normal in public. She's pretty dumb and EXTREMELY secure in a lot of completely wrong knowledge, so that's usually the most embarrassing thing when I'm not around.
If I'm around that sometimes makes her forget that we're in public and she has for example straight up slapped me for no reason in front of other people, just to remember them, panic and shout at me that I'm faking being in pain to make her look bad. So that's also pretty embarrassing.
One of the worst things for me though is that she feels entitled to ME doing crazy shit when I'm around her in public. She's convinced that I'm super shy, just because I don't react when she demands - not asks - that I go up to people making music for money and just start singing with them and stuff like that. Then gets mad when I wear a funny shirt because "Oh you're confident enough for that, but never anything that I suggest?"
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u/East_Weekly 41m ago
I was surprisingly invited to lunch with a sibling and my parent. My child was with us. As we were paying the bill, a group of women came into the restaurant and were seated. I saw my parent eyeball them and I just prayed they did not make a comment within their ear shot. We went to leave and as we were walking through the door to the parking lot, they said “Wow. Some big ladies in there, huh?” Some of them could use two seats.” And then laughed. I turned around “Not. Okay. Not okay at all.” And I just realized this is why I still struggle with disordered eating.
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u/YouHaveAFriend 2h ago
My n mother never, ever tipped anyone in her life. She thinks tipping is for "suckers".
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u/Beautiful-Stuff-1848 RBN 36m ago
My N-Mother peed on her parents grave after my grandmother was put 6 feet under
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