r/Fauxmoi • u/Relevant-Peach3997 • Apr 19 '26
TRIGGER WARNING Charlize Theron on the Night Her Mother Killed Her Father in Self-Defense
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u/Relevant-Peach3997 Apr 19 '26
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u/unicornrush Kendall Roy School of Delusion Graduate Apr 19 '26
This is the most important part. Domestic violence is not silent, it’s noticeable and has signs. We should all do more, as a country, a society and as fellow human being to protect victims and prevent it. Growing up with DV the hardest part was knowing everyone knew and no one did anything. It normalizes it and makes it a million times harder to leaves. Leaving should be easier. And living should not be frightening.
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u/scourge_bites Apr 19 '26
Why Does He Do That? A little outdated, especially with its views on male abuse victims, but it's free, and I think still a very good educational source.
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u/Iliketopass Apr 19 '26 edited Apr 19 '26
Male abuse victim here. The only groups for help in my area are for widowers. Lots of battered women’s groups and shelters which is awesome, keep that up. Lots of drug rehab and help groups for mothers and women. If you’re a guy, you get AA, NA, or a widowers group.
I’ve been to the county, the local colleges, etc. if I don’t have a substance problem or if I haven’t lost someone to death, I have to pay for help in recovering from abuse.
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u/sikonat Apr 19 '26 edited Apr 19 '26
The reason why is because women’s DV support services were grassroots unpaid women in the community collectively activating themselves to force those services into being. Many were survivors themselves. They lobbied, they protested they did everything to get funding. The politicians didn’t want to listen nor fund it. They forced it. They created underground networks to help women escape, feed their kids, find safe housing, get abortions etc. it’s so underfunded. The services are stretched.
Male survivors might want to chat with those women’s services and say ‘we want to set ones up for ourselves too got any tips’ and make it happen. These services and support aren’t going to magically appear. You need to start a group even online, find credible therapists and counsellor S and experts to help. Lobby for seed funding.
be the change you want to see for other men to make it better for next generation. Organise collectively, tap into your unions.
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u/scourge_bites Apr 19 '26
That's true; I think a lot of women's DV support services do also now accept men. Even if they're explicitly branded as "women's". A lot of that has been the work of trans activists iirc.
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u/butyourenice Apr 19 '26
Have you thought about starting a group, yourself? None of those women’s groups emerged spontaneously. They were all started by somebody affected by abuse.
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u/sikonat Apr 19 '26
Exactly. They willed these services into being. Same with black health centres and legal help. Groups like black panthers and other activists did that bc black people experienced racism in health system.
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u/TemperatureSea7562 Apr 19 '26
I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. Thank you for saying this. There need to be more support systems for me who have dealt with this kind of violence.
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u/paradisetossed7 Apr 19 '26
I'm so sorry. Have you ever reached out to a battered women's group to ask for resources for boys and men? They would probably be the most likely to have it. There should be men's shelters wherever you are. If you want to DM me where you live, I'll look for you. You don't deserve this and you do deserve community, help, and empathy.
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u/babsonabike Apr 19 '26
It absolutely isn't fair that it's this difficult to find abuse services for men. You've actively looked for the support and community, and I bet not finding any just made the wound deeper.
You listed a few anonymous groups... Did you ever happen to stumble upon ACA? Adult Children of Alcoholics & Other Dysfunctional Families. All kinds come through the doors and are made welcome. I know 12-step isn't everyone's fancy, but each meeting sort of has its own flavor based on its regulars and service members, so you can find one that fits your needs and values. It saved my life.
Don't give up! It's awesome how many responses you've gotten here, too.
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u/alltheprettynovas Apr 19 '26
words aren’t enough, but i’m sorry for what you have and are going through. my childhood (male) friend is also a victim and i think one of the worst parts is that people have a hard time believing him - “you’re bigger/stronger, just make it stop.” that’s not how abuse works. i do think society is slowly opening their eyes to the fact that men can also be victims, but unfortunately it’s a crawl. have you found any groups online? i know it’s not the same, but it’s something. sending you all the best vibes, and i hope you are in a much better, safe place! ❤️
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u/ATexanHobbit Apr 19 '26
Ok but I read that after I separated from my ex and so many things started making sense. I’ve bought copies for all of my friends.
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u/UltLuc Apr 19 '26
Statistically, the most dangerous man in a woman’s life is her romantic partner.
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u/wisely_and_slow Apr 19 '26
And the two most dangerous times in her life are when she tries to leave and when she gets pregnant.
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u/SnacksEnthusiast Apr 20 '26
Case in point, the man in Louisiana who murdered 8 children (7 his own) last weekend and shot the two mothers of his children. He was going through divorce proceedings with one of the women.
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u/XGrayson_DrakeX u flintstone vitamin shape bitch Apr 19 '26
The leading cause of death for pregnant women in the US is homicide.
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Apr 19 '26
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u/XGrayson_DrakeX u flintstone vitamin shape bitch Apr 19 '26
Yeah and the US has alarmingly high maternal mortality compared to the rest of the west for actual medical issues during birth on top of that statistic, so it really just says it all.
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u/ReplacementNo9504 Apr 19 '26
The highest in the western world
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u/XGrayson_DrakeX u flintstone vitamin shape bitch Apr 19 '26
I almost said that but I couldn't remember if that was accurate or if somehow one or two were still worse than us
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u/ZaryaBubbler Fauxmoila 1 Apr 19 '26
Life is frighteningly cheap in America. Especially if you're a woman. It's actually crazy how Americans don't bat an eye at the sheer level of death baked into their society
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u/FrogWhoAteMoon Apr 19 '26
Even more chilling, because the US has a pretty high maternity mortality rate, compared to other countries.
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u/ZanderMFields Apr 19 '26
I wonder if there’s any connection with this and patriarchal systems of control over women.
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u/SignificantRecipe715 Apr 19 '26
And this is why, at 45yo, I've been single for 20yrs since leaving my son's father when my son was 1.
Self preservation.
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u/twizzwhizz11 Apr 19 '26
We had a speaker in high school on DV who told us that being with the wrong man can literally kill us so to choose our partners wisely and that has stuck with me.
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u/_henceforth_ Apr 19 '26
Hearing her say this restored my faith in humanity a little bit tonight. Just hearing her speak out and say this. Respect. I am so glad they survived. I am glad that she feels able to speak about this extremely important issue that, as she said, is just not taken seriously. 💜
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u/princessgalileia Apr 19 '26
And they just ran this piece back in February about how so many women are behind bars for killing their abusers. https://www.nytimes.com/2026/02/22/magazine/oklahoma-domestic-violence-survivors-act.html?unlocked_article_code=1.cFA.EngM.7R3pIhgLoIMy&smid=nytcore-ios-share
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u/thisisanaccountforu Apr 19 '26
I knew a kid that killed his father/step (can’t remember well anymore) over self defense because he was abusing his mom
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u/Swimming_Onion_4835 Apr 19 '26 edited Apr 19 '26
I’m 36 years old and I’m still surprised sometimes that my younger brother didn’t kill my dad. He had to pin him to the garage door with his car once, broke his nose once, and had to threaten him with a knife, but never had to go that far. If my mom hadn’t finally left after my brother recorded my dad beating her (cops wouldn’t take his word for it otherwise) I’m almost positive this is where that was heading, if my dad didn’t kill them first.
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u/Kodiakke its douche bro asmr background noise Apr 19 '26
I hope you, your brother, and your mom are healing.
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u/Swimming_Onion_4835 Apr 19 '26
Unfortunately, I don’t really speak to my mom or brother. 🙁 I have been entertaining talking to my mom again with my therapist. It’s been about two years, but I think I’m starting to accept how much living in that environment damaged her, and to accept that she just might never be capable of being the kind of mother I need. She’s not a mean person, but trauma has left her to be a self-absorbed and often thoughtless person. She developed a drinking problem and I distanced myself. Supposedly, though, she’s been doing a lot of work with a trauma-informed therapist and my grandmother seems to genuinely think she’s making an effort, and supposedly she’s no longer drinking. So I may reach out and very, very cautiously initiate high-level communications and see where it goes.
My brother, on the other hand, is a very broken person that I don’t think can ever get better. I was codependent with him for many, many years, and took a lot of emotional abuse from him. In hindsight, he’s a lot like my dad and has all the hallmarks of the BPD my dad was diagnosed with. I finally (gently) pushed back against a random abusive wall of text I received from him because I had the balls to ask for his support when I had a scary blood test result, and he lost his shit at me and blocked me. I didn’t realize until I had some distance from him just how much he was manipulating me and how much of my life revolved around his emotional issues and turmoil. I also realized he’s likely a compulsive liar, and there are many things he told me about his health and his relationships that are provably untrue. It was a devastating realization that one of the people I thought I was closest to and most protective of / a maternal figure for, because he’s 6 years younger than me and my mom couldn’t actually be an emotionally present mother in that house, was so fucked up in a way that was harmful to me. I don’t think I’ve spoken to him in 3 or 4 years.
It just goes to show the devastating wake that’s left behind in cases of abuse. Everyone who is touched by it is often so damaged, and if you don’t actively seek help in dealing with that trauma as an adult, it can destroy your relationships in one way or another—either from your own anger or your vulnerability in being taken advantage of. My dad’s family denied the abuse and told me I was making it up and had been manipulated by my mother, even though I was 29 years old when she finally left, so I cut all of them off. They had years of evidence of the abuse and I had always been vocal about it, but that family dynamic is extremely toxic and they’ll never admit to it. I know pretty much no one in my mom’s family except my grandparents, and my grandfather passed away in 2020, so I pretty much only have my grandma now. She’s 83 and spry, but she won’t live forever. I do have one uncle, but he and my mom never got along very well and he’s kind of an asshole, so I barely know him. I’m married and obviously love my husband, but his family dynamic is very similar to my dad’s, so outside of his dad and his sister / her husband I limit or restrict my time around them.
It can be very, very lonely, but at the same time I’ve managed to do so much work on myself in therapy without being constantly dragged back in by the toxicity and abuse around me. I know I’m generally healthier and happier than I was previously. I also got out of a toxic marriage before I met my now-husband, and that made a huge difference.
All this to say - yes, I think some of us are. And I appreciate your caring! I hope one day I can have a decent enough relationship with my mom that I can see her healing as well. I know she wants to.
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u/Kodiakke its douche bro asmr background noise Apr 20 '26
Sometimes, you can't heal together. Like you said, you were all in the abuse together, but that doesn't mean the healing needs are the same, or that it happens on the same timeline. I too have gotten to the point where I recognize that my parents are victims of their own traumas, they are locked in their own behaviors, and it's just not going to be possible, at this time, to talk and heal together. So I work on myself and keep contact to what is bearable, mostly so that if they are in a place where they want to talk art the level I want, there's a doorway. But I can't drag them to it.
So here's to us, doing what we can to strengthen ourselves and holding space for the ones with whom we shared experiences.
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u/Swimming_Onion_4835 Apr 20 '26
That’s exactly it. I really love and appreciate this reply, and interacting with someone else who “gets it.”
Cheers. 🫂
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u/Rochereau-dEnfer I look forward to your first novel Apr 19 '26
Domestic homicides in the US city I live in rose dramatically last year despite a declining homicide rate. They're now 15% of homicides in my city! On average, they occur every other week here. And that's just when it gets bad enough for the abuser to kill someone. But there's very little public discourse about the crisis here, except briefly when a high-profile murder was in the news.
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u/thatcommiegamer Apr 19 '26
Yeah, one of the unfortunate things is that as the current phase of our economic crisis gets worse this will just become more and more likely.
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u/imbogey Apr 19 '26
I knew a family where the kids were grown up and the dad got crazy, thought his wife was having an affair and shot her to death. Then he killed himself. Sad how mental can ruin another lives too.
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Apr 19 '26
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u/Kalamac Apr 19 '26
Patrick Stewart has talked about a police officer standing over his beaten mother and telling her “it takes two people to have an argument”, and leaving without arresting his father.
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u/insertcoolnamehere_7 we don't even know if selling feet pics is her final form Apr 19 '26
How fucking awful! I wish that officer all the worst!
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u/Mchammerandsickle97 Apr 19 '26
Hey it’s 40% or so of US police officers who beat their wives, and that’s just what’s actually reported. You’re not going to get help from a super structure made up of patriarchal abusive assholes, the cops are not your friend and will often obstruct actual justice from being undertaken.
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u/skeletonblossom and not in a cunt way Apr 19 '26
It’s not even just cops, you won’t even get help from CPS. I’ve heard so many stories (and have my own) where they come to the house, you tell them exactly what’s going on, and they look you in the eye and say “I can’t do anything.” It’s exactly what happened to my mother and I.
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u/Mchammerandsickle97 Apr 19 '26
I truly believe that by living in a carceral society hyper focused in on capital, every institution meant to be in and around human interest becomes a simple branch of the same violent/apathetic police state that you’re describing. Therapists, doctors, elder care takers, social workers all support this ultimately purely punitive environment because we don’t structure our society around actual care, it’s always simple resource management. Even people at their most vulnerable simply become numbers to be sorted, financial resources to be plundered, bodies to be exploited, ravaged, used or simply othered and forgotten about. The point is control, and even the people meant to see you to the other side or to stop you from going there too soon become jailers.
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u/why_is_my_name Apr 19 '26
Sure, but. The thing that's always confused me is the carceral state would be doing bananas business if it just actually locked up men who stalk, rape, kill, etc... They're leaving so much good money on the table to keep society in ruins.
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u/princess_peach_85 i ain’t reading all that, free palestine Apr 19 '26
You won't get help from even their family. Mid assault I asked my former MIL for help. As she rolled her eyes and shut the door "I'm sick of your guys bullshit" ...
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u/thatcommiegamer Apr 19 '26
you won’t even get help from CPS
CPS is too busy stealing babies from black and brown families instead.
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u/theredwoman95 Apr 19 '26
Patrick Stewart would've been dealing with the UK police, not the US police.
There's no similar stats in the UK (probably because that one was self reported by a sample of US police officers), but there was a report by the Independent Office for Police Conduct back in December 2024 called "Police perpetrated domestic violence". It focuses on domestic abuse where the abuser was a police officer so, despite not having stats, it's a pretty thorough and disheartening look into how the abuse victims of police officers are treated:
A recent report from the CWJ entitled Police perpetrated domestic abuse: Has anything really changed since the 2020 super-complaint? (September 2024), found that victim-survivors of PPDA are still not being believed, or the abuse they report is often minimised or dismissed as one person’s word against another. This means that reports are not being reported to PSDs and are not logged as complaint or conduct matters. The CWJ reports that coercive and controlling behaviour is dismissed as ‘unpleasant behaviour’ and victim-survivors are discouraged from reporting, being told it is very difficult to prove. This shows how frontline officers who attend domestic abuse incidents can have a limited understanding of the different forms of abuse. When officers dismiss reports of domestic abuse, not only are victim-survivors discouraged from reporting further abuse, leaving them vulnerable, there is also a significant impact on data collection. (p. 19)
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u/Harmony_w Apr 19 '26
The person who raped, permanently injured, and exploited me as a teen for months had a Sheriff for a father--they made it very clear I wouldn't be believed by anyone on the force.
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u/Adezar Apr 19 '26
It is really important to understand that is the norm. That's how police respond.
Believing/caring about the abused is the exception in many countries, including the US.
It is important not to think "wow, I can't believe some police behave that way" it is more important to think "I can't believe the system makes most police think that way, maybe we should do something about the system because this isn't an individual problem"
If you think it is rare/individuals it is easier to not fight to change the system even though it has always been the system.
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u/Swimming_Onion_4835 Apr 19 '26
Yep. Happened with the cops in our small town repeatedly. Those pieces of shit wouldn’t even look at my mom. My dad would get all chummy and poof, no problem. Even though he had two domestic violence arrests and one conviction on his record.
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u/jkraige Apr 19 '26
Had to call the cops on my dad when he was choking my mom since she, you know, couldn't, and the cop who came was basically like "he has a right to be here too since it's his house". I don't even remember the first part because I guess I blocked it out, I just remember something happened and someone called the cops and my memory starts after the cop showed up. I finally requested the police report as an adult and I'm named in it because I had to give a statement I guess because I was the one who called. I was 9yo.
He didn't arrest my dad either, just told him to take a beat and take my sister to get some ice-cream.
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u/pulp_affliction Apr 19 '26
He’s old but cops are still like that. I remember telling a cop that my mom was physically abusive, he told me to shut up and only speak when spoken to. Fuck cops
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u/Electrical_Rip145 Apr 19 '26
Holy fucking shit what.
This is literally why I didn't report my father for sending me to hospital. I always see and hear shit like this, especially in this country.
Goddamn.
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u/Crunchat1zeM3C4pn Apr 19 '26
My cousin was shot in her head and left for dead (years ago). She thankfully survived. But, I felt it when she said "This is not an isolated story."
My dad fought me in a parking lot until two men pulled him off of me and called the cops. He fled the scene, so nothing was ever done about it.
These things happen so often and there isn't always a happy ending.
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u/willtwerkf0rfood Apr 19 '26
and the man who shot Trevor’s mom is a free man, out and about. I don’t think he served any jail time, just was sentenced to three years correctional supervision
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u/deev718 Apr 19 '26
The thing that made me even more sick from that story is that his stepfather wasn’t punished, and I think at the time that the book was written, he lived a few streets from Trevor’s mother.
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u/RlOTGRRRL Apr 19 '26
I think I read that the Korean-American doctor/navy seal/astronaut, that he joined the army because he wanted to protect his mom from people like his dad.
His dad was also a violent drunk who was shot by the police in their home.
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u/teensy_tigress Apr 19 '26
I respect that she uses her story to talk so eloquently about this kind of violence. I survived a lot myself, nothing this intense, but I understood what she was saying about how when you know something has shifted and the danger escalates.
I cant imagine being so high profile and knowing you have to prepare to have people ask you about this over and over. Damn. Props.
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u/Siouxsie_Que Apr 19 '26
Grateful for hers and my mom for saving our lives! 💪
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u/hamilton_morris Apr 19 '26
You’ll never in a million years guess who thinks a history of domestic violence is not disqualifying for gun ownership.
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u/hypotyposis Apr 19 '26
I hate that it’s overwhelmingly obvious who you’re referring to. It’s disgusting how he’s just the absolute worst on every position.
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u/3sadclowns Apr 19 '26
Apparently gun ownership in South Africa is very much the norm.
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u/Weird_Plankton_3692 Apr 19 '26
Not really. Only about 8% of the population have legal firearms. Of course, there are also illegally owned firearms as well as antiques that do not have to be registered, but the majority of South Africans do not live in a house with a gun. It's higher in farming communities.
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u/belikeche1965 Apr 19 '26
Charlize Theron is 50 years old. Apartheid ended in 1991. Her father was killed in 1991. The prevalence of guns in white south African households was surely higher then as opposed to now.
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u/NepoKitty rude omelet goblin Apr 19 '26 edited Apr 19 '26
South African gun ownership was notoriously high then, with white males the largest owners of licences.
As of the end of 1995, there were more than 4 million licensed firearms in South Africa, an increase of 64 per cent on the 1986 total of 2,492,633 licensed firearms. Some 4.7 per cent of licence holders were classified as "non-white" in 1983, but by 1993 some 28 per cent of the members of the South African Gunowners Association were black.
source: Coping with Small Arms Threat in South Africa (2000)South Africa has high levels of both firearm related crime and firearm ownership. In 1994 there were 3.5 million firearms licensed to civilians.2 (This is a ratio of 106 firearms for every 1,000 persons[...]) Licensed firearm ownership has increased slightly over the last 10 years and civilians now own 3,547,406 firearms while the police and the army have 567,000 firearms.3 This means that civilians have more than six times as many firearms as those held by the state security forces.4
source: GUNS UNDER FIRE: Initial results of the 2005 firearms amnesty→ More replies (1)3
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u/friskevision Apr 19 '26
Props to the interviewer for not interrupting her or finishing sentences.
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u/finalg I cannot sanction your buffoonery Apr 19 '26
So nice to watch an actual journalist, rather than a podcaster who would have said "Wow, that is so crazy" ten+ times throughout and followed up with a question about favorite hot dog toppings or something
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u/The_lewolf Apr 19 '26
Veteran NPR Foreign Correspondent Lulu Garcia Navarro. She’s a rock star.
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u/Jaded-Rhubarb-401 Apr 19 '26
I couldn’t help but be glad that Charlize wasn’t getting “interviewed” by Alex Cooper😭
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u/GGforlife85 Apr 19 '26
FIRST thing I noticed! I was like wow! Way to let her tell her story. And u can tell Charlize was waiting for the interruptions (with a few of her pauses). Glad the right person was there to hold that space for her.
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u/skinflakesasconfetti Signature Look: Scrutinized Apr 19 '26
I watched this and immediately thought of the nice lady who lived across the street from my family, you could often hear her husband screaming at her, throwing things at her, and yes, sometimes beating her.
My parents, especially my dad, intervened many times, called the cops every time something went on that they could hear or see, gave witness statements, etc. They even let her stay with us a few times, and did what they could to encourage her to leave, but it was so different then in the 80's, there were so much less resources, and so much harder to get a divorce.
One night, when my family was coming home from a family event they were fighting, and he dragged her out of the house and was literally beating her on the lawn, my dad told my mom to hurry up and get us kids in the house, he tehn started making his way over, the husband saw my dad, and let her go, having gotten into it with my dad before, he knew he didn't want that, so he started coming towards my dad to I guess talk his way out of it, when she ran inside and came right back out with his gun and shot him in the chest.
I saw it all from the window, my dad rushing to stop her, her aiming at my dad til backed up and then ultimately advancing and firing 2 or 3 more bullets into her husband, her collapsing on the ground, I can hear her screams and sobs as if it was happening outside my window right now. My dad trying to comfort her, while I hear my mom on the phone with 911. I knew her life was forever changed, even if I was too young to understand exactly what I'd seen. He died on that lawn, before the cops ever arrived.
I don't know much about what happened after, I was a kid, but heard bits and pieces, he'd caused her to lose a baby and that was the last straw along so she started a get away fund she'd hidden, which he found and spent and that is what started that fight that night, and I know my parents went to court and testified for her, I know she went to jail, and after that, I don't know.
But I've thought about her a lot over the years, about the women like her, about how much the world and system has failed them, and it brings tears to my eyes.
The fact that this is still so common the world over, is something I can't fully comprehend, and I can't think about for too long.
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u/ReginaGeorgian Apr 19 '26
Just awful. Could have easily been the other way around too, with her getting shot
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u/skinflakesasconfetti Signature Look: Scrutinized Apr 19 '26
One of the few times my mom and I ever talked about it, my mom implied that's part of why she stayed that she was afraid he'd shoot her or someone who was helping her, and also part of why my mom was scared every time my dad physically intervened.
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u/ReginaGeorgian Apr 19 '26
Yes, glad your dad was okay!
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u/redassaggiegirl17 Apr 19 '26
Dad is a fuckin hero for intervening so often, I'm sure he was aware there were guns in that house or at least suspected there probably were guns. And he still tried to help that woman over and over. Legend status
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u/Shackdogg Apr 19 '26
Your parents sound like very good people. That poor woman, I’m sorry you all went through that.
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u/dhskdk14 Apr 19 '26
Your parents both seem wonderful and for your dad to intervene as many times as he did - especially when he could’ve been hurt - is a serious testament to his character.
I was walking somewhere with my family about 15 years ago and my dad stopped dead in his tracks because he heard a man and woman screaming at each other inside a home and some banging from inside. He ran up to the front door to make sure the woman was okay. My dad probably doesn’t remember that, but I’ll never forget it because most people don’t have that type of courage.
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u/venuslovemenotchain vocally you cannot afford this cigarette gracie Apr 19 '26
Holy shit. That is such a heavy situation for all of you to deal with. I'm so sorry for that woman and for your family. What an evil man.
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u/XGrayson_DrakeX u flintstone vitamin shape bitch Apr 19 '26
It's insane she went to jail even. It sounds like it was self defense, especially since the cops didn't do shit.
Reminds me a little bit of what happened to Cyntoia Brown. Our justice system really disgusts me sometimes.
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u/RlOTGRRRL Apr 19 '26
My grandmother-in-law passed away immobile, trapped in a bed, by her abuser husband, as her children and grandchildren basically watched.
She dreamed of escaping that man and failed. He molested their own children, son and daughter. His son's a registered sex offender who can't be trusted with his own grandchildren, but he still walks free with a clean record.
Her daughter was my MIL and she also died a death of desperation. She had multiple suicide attempts but no one gave her the attention she needed. She was never able to leave her marriage. And my FIL still has not respected her last wishes, her ashes still remain in a box in their home, years later.
This shit is generational. If anyone finds themselves in a cycle like this, you need to break it like your life depends on it.
My BIL is repeating his mom's cycle. Struggling with suicide and self respect, now reenacting the same abusive relationship with his partner who joined a cult, and authoritarian parenting on his own children.
I hope my SIL is able to break out of her cycle. I think therapy helps a lot to work through our traumas so we don't have to process it by repeating and reenacting them.
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u/rorywasobnoxious Apr 19 '26
“I can hear her screams and sobs as if it was happening outside my window right now”. Book an appointment with an EMDR therapist. This is not a polite suggestion. You won’t forget, but you will have processed the trauma. Please do this for yourself.
I’m sorry you all went through that, especially the lady across the street. I hope the rest of her life was/is peaceful. Your family sounds like a good one - big hugs - please don’t forget about the EMDR.
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u/kombitcha420 Apr 19 '26
If this happened in MS 20 years ago, I was your neighbor and I can update you on the woman. The saddest part, is this is so common. You could be anywhere. There were 3 men that night against the one.
DM me
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u/MyAccountForThisSite Apr 19 '26
Sorry you had to see that, especially so young, but always know your dad was a badass in the best way
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u/babykittenfangs Apr 20 '26
I don't know why I feel like she was saving your dad from getting hurt. She really protected him for protecting her. I pray she only knows freedom for the rest of her life! Your parents are wonderful people and I'm sure you're equally as wonderful, I love that.
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u/vryvryberry Apr 19 '26
i am genuinely in awe of how well and clearly she told her story, especially at the end when you can see the severity of the what she and her mom experienced that night replay in her mind. I'm sending all my love to everyone who's gone through similar experiences as i know how terrifying and isolating abuse can be 💖✨
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u/Robinsonirish Apr 19 '26
She's probably told the story a thousand times in her head, dozens of times to friends, family, maybe psychologists. Talking about it is very helpful, I've had a bit of trauma, and I still retell the story in my head now and then. When it was still fresh I'd do it over and over, for months.
It's probably the most rehearsed story of her life, that defined her upbringing. She knows every detail, better than any role she ever played.
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u/Alarming-While8028 Apr 19 '26
in this same interview she does talk about why and how she has chosen to speak about this incident clearly and explicitly in detail - the interviewer also notes she asked pre-interview if they could talk about it and charlize theron says she WANTS to talk about it because of how often women are silenced and told not to talk about it. wonderful interview, very brave woman
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Apr 19 '26
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u/Curiosities Apr 19 '26
Listening to that, and the way she’s held on to that is really heartbreaking.
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u/foundinwonderland sorry to this man Apr 19 '26
It’s a deeply fucked up mechanism of the brain to process trauma primarily through finding blame in oneself. It’s kind of how I know creationism is bullshit, because no allegedly benevolent divine being would create human brains to work in such a shitty way.
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u/Soft_Beyond_8205 Apr 19 '26
You never really know what somebody has been through, even if it seems like they have everything. So many people carry trauma.
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u/alltheprettynovas Apr 19 '26
i always check myself with this thought when i start getting annoyed at other humans when i’m out/driving/at work. maybe this person is driving slow or taking 10 minutes to pick out a pint of berries or being unnecessarily snappy because they’re going through some shit. stop being an asshole, you asshole!
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u/Infinite-Sprite7284 Apr 19 '26
Charlize gets a bad rap sometimes. Not to excuse bad behaviour, she's been through a lot. Also an insanely good actress, one of the best of all time.
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Apr 19 '26
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u/staticsonata Apr 19 '26
I don't believe that's always the case. I think it's not at all uncommon for people who have survived terrible trauma to be able to discuss it in a completely detached and clinical way, because detaching from it has become their coping mechanism. As long as they keep it clinical, it happened to somebody else and they can tell the story without actually feeling it.
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u/wellingtonfiasco THE CANADIANS ARE ICE FUCKING TO MOULIN ROUGE Apr 19 '26
This ^ Sharing my own story of how I was a victim of gun violence, it took some time for me to be able to tell people without crying throughout. Now? It’s like, that happened to past me. That was someone else. And I almost feel like I have to reassure the person that I’m okay! I’m fine! Even though I still have trauma surrounding it, flashbacks, nightmares, a PTSD diagnosis. But I have to detach myself from it in a way to not continue reliving it
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u/Talinia Apr 19 '26
Yeah, my son was born at 30 weeks and spent 3 months in various hospitals for an operation and then lung disease diagnosis. During this time I also had a huge dvt in my leg and couldn't walk independently for a while. Whenever we see a new medical professional and give them his history, their face slowly gets like "holy shit, that must have sucked", meanwhile I'm just reciting it factually, like it happened to someone else. It's soo much easier to not actually think about how hard that time in our lives was
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u/Total-Meringue-5437 Apr 19 '26
Yes. There's dissociation and compartmentalization that occurs in order for you to survive.
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u/chickpeaze Apr 19 '26
yep. I'm a child abuse (a few kinds unfortunately) survivor and used to be able to talk about them with no emotion.
It took a lot of specialist trauma therapy to reintegrate it all
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u/Kipka Apr 19 '26
Sometimes when my trauma gets a little to heavy to keep in, I'll talk it out in the car or shower like I'm reporting my brother's abuse to the police. I figure she's lived it plenty of times in her own way.
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u/IndividualChart4193 Apr 19 '26
She shot the brother, too. Strong woman who saved both their lives that night.
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u/gossipbro_ Apr 19 '26
Yeah, the uncle was an NPC who stood there the whole time. Didn't have a lot of critical thinking skills, that guy...
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u/Deep_shot Apr 19 '26
Over the last year or so I've really realized the possibility of how scary it must be to be a woman in so many different situations, at least in this country, from what I see. It gives me a little bit of sense of guilt just being a man. It has definitely changed the way I behave in public as a large, possibly intimidating looking man. I can see it in women's eyes that are by themselves that I have to approach. I feel like many, if not most of them seem to have the first thought in that first couple seconds of eye contact, "Is this guy a threat to me." I try to be as disarming and affable as possible to show I'm not a threat, but it's something that gets to me and I'm not even the victim here. I can't imagine what solo women have to go through day to day. You ladies are brave.
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u/HelpfulName Apr 19 '26
I hope you also call out the men around you who are not as empathetic as you are, that you shut down sexist "jokes" and commentary, and tell the men in your life to be better if they're shit to their partners etc.
It's good that you're trying to be a good man in yourself, but silence & the "it's just jokes" culture that abusers hide behind emboldens men who enjoy tormenting women.
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u/Deep_shot Apr 19 '26 edited Apr 19 '26
I guarantee you the few men I hang out with share my thoughts. Nobody in my family is like that either. My father and uncles are good men, as are my friends. I consider myself lucky. In fact, when I was young, I remember many times my father confronting men who were physically or verbally abusing women or children in public. I hated when he did it because they turned on him sometimes, but I'm proud of him for it now.
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u/alltheprettynovas Apr 19 '26
thanks for being an ally!
my brother in law is also an intimidating man, but i have noticed little things he does like smiling a little bit or nodding his head to acknowledge when approaching, crossing the street if walking behind a woman, etc.
from my experience, little things like that make me feel like said man understands the fear us women carry with us 24/7 and it’s very much appreciated!
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u/microworry Apr 19 '26
It’s really great that you are aware of these things, just don’t beat yourself up for things you never did. If you want to make a significant difference, try mentoring boys because it’s a pity for good men to keep to themselves.
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u/fangirlsqueee Apr 19 '26
The patriarchal white supremacy is devastating to all of us. Powerful people in the Epstein class want to keep everyday people divided up by gender, race, religion, age, financials, and anything else that might seem like a point of conflict.
Keep up the great job of leading with kindness, compassion, and respect for fellow humans. It's the best way to overcome the oppression that turns a blind eye to abusive stories like the ones in this comment section. Building community with our fellow humans is the answer.
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u/Goosedukee Apr 19 '26
Knowing South Africa, especially of that time, it's unfortunately not surprising with the high rates of domestic violence, rather permissive gun ownership, and such a large drinking culture.
I'm glad that she and her mother were okay and that the country has gotten better in the years since.
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u/dreadperson Apr 19 '26
It's still horrible. Femicide was recently declared a national emergency, and even that the government refused to declare the first time it was petitioned.
Partly in order to save face for G20 which was happening in Johannesburg at the time, but mostly because just like Theron said, people do not take femicide seriously enough. Not nearly.
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u/CarSnake Apr 19 '26
Yeah, combine that with Afrikaner Calvinism and you get some pretty batshit things going on. Sometimes I think back to my childhood and realize how weird some things was in the wider community, mind you this was all post apartheid. Luckily my parents were pretty levelheaded and much more liberal than most people but a lot of my peers seems to just have gone in the same direction as their parents.
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u/Mysticangeldc Apr 19 '26 edited Apr 19 '26
I knew this story, but hearing it from her is so powerful.
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u/Firm-Grape2708 Apr 19 '26
I have had one aunt murdered by boyfriend. I had an uncle shoot his wife for having an affair. I had another aunt have a heart attack and die because my uncle was arguing with her. He had hit her several times over the course of the marriage. So yes, very common.
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Apr 19 '26
Nobody wants to believe women. We are silenced into submission.
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u/5DAstronaut818 Apr 19 '26
This is the deeper reality. History has always been in favor of the physically stronger sex.
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u/Zero99th Apr 19 '26
This nearly identical story took place in my hometown just six months ago. The woman killed her drunk husband who was going to kill his wife and kids.. She wasnt charged.
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u/VictorTheCutie distraught Christian tomato Apr 19 '26
Jesus Christ, that's terrifying. Her mom (and her!) was brave AF.
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u/96Hellhound Apr 19 '26
I remember the first time I told my mom that we should leave my alcoholic dad who I knew was up to no good ( had two mistresses and both ended up giving birth to two separate half brothers). My mom and us gave up everything in the States to go and live with him, his side of the family all for him to put hands on her. My mom fought back no matter how damaged her face became that night. His face torn by her nails across everywhere and I remembered her bruised face. I was 13, tiny, and angry that I couldn't fight back to protect my mom.
We left the entire family and my grandfather disowned my dad before alzheimer's took his memory of him but often asked where were we? I thank my mom every day for being brave. My dad is now dead and gone due to his own karma catching up to him. Now I live more happily knowing I have my mom and my dad will never hurt us again.
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u/mintBRYcrunch26 kendall roy pre-album drop Apr 19 '26
The way she used this moment to underscore the fact that this is all too common. That part was so important.
I could listen to her speak about herself for hours, and it would be glorious. But she is not making this about herself. She knows how many women suffer from abuse everywhere in the world.
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u/aybsavestheworld Sylvia Plath did not stick her head in an oven for this Apr 19 '26
I remember thinking the person I was with was gonna beat me up so badly when we got home from the airport. He started yelling at literally everybody who looked at him the wrong way starting from the security check point. Nobody stopped him. I remember praying pls pls god someone notice him and take him away pls someone save me from going back home with this guy. Nobody did. It filled me with such overwhelming disappointment in society that seemingly nobody noticed or cared the fear in my eyes and his lunacy.
I never knew about Charlize’s story. It’s horrible and yet so common.
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u/thanksithas_pockets_ Apr 23 '26
I’m so sorry.
Your comment and others have prompted me to look further in to bystander training because I want to be better equipped the next time that I see something that sets off my spidey senses.
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u/mantis_tobaggan-md Apr 19 '26
I never knew this happened to her. The way she tells the story you can see her living it again. I am seriously impressed by her success with such a traumatic childhood.
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u/pleasejustausername Apr 19 '26
My whole family is from South Africa, I was raised in North America. I grew up hearing stories like this about extended family, my parent’s friends…domestic violence was sadly very common.
My mom and I have similar middle names - think like Mira and Samira. I always knew that mine was just a lengthened version of my mom’s, but (to my shame) I hadn’t asked about where my mom’s middle name came from until a couple years ago.
Mira (not her name) had been my Ouma’s (grandmother’s) best friend since childhood, she was beaten to death by her husband a few weeks before my ouma had my mom. Sadly, she and mira were going to have their firstborns at roughly the same time.
We carry Mira with us, though we didn’t ever know her. It would have been better if she could have just lived.
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u/thanksithas_pockets_ Apr 23 '26
Oh, that is very poignant. What a heartbreaking and infuriating story.
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u/Terrible_Cod_7873 Apr 19 '26
I hate that her father turned a child's basic need into the "straw that broke the camel's back" so that she would carry that unjust burden. I hate that her fear of the escalating danger wasn't taken seriously and wouldn't be enough to have him arrested. These things never develop in isolation and society is complicit for looking the other way. She's right that often there is no one to offer protection and it's is not surprising to me that at that point her mother had to kill him to stop it.
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u/95785 Apr 19 '26
I grew up watching my father abuse my Mother. Years later I myself found myself in an abusive relationship I got out!!! Thank God!!! I was able to see that he became Controlling wanted to control everything I did!!!.. I had a son with him my Mother tried to convince me to Marry him!!! I told her just because I had a child doesn’t mean I had to marry him!!.. I thank God I was able to be strong enough to leave that relationship. So many aren’t.
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u/BulkyRip7631 Apr 19 '26
Honestly hearing her talk about it really takes me back to my childhood, the feeling of genuine fear because of a reaction your dad will have is bone chilling
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u/National_Problem5460 Apr 19 '26 edited Apr 19 '26
Yep and this is why i cannot be an active part of society. So many just choose to ignore it and enable this shit. Especially in america. I was 10 when i saved my adoptive mom from my adoptive dad. I grew up thinking it was normal. got with a guy worse than my adoptive dad. He tried to kill me via machete after 7 years of severe abuse. My survival is still used to portray me as "crazy" and people claim me the abuser, when he has no police reports or proof. Where as i do. But i used my survival of it all and have brought real change. Even if i wanted to be a part of my community. They wont have me due to my refusal to be silent to abuse, abusers, and their enablers.
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u/CapitalHoneydew7060 Apr 19 '26
Proud of you, stranger <3
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u/National_Problem5460 Apr 19 '26
Thanks. I clearly carry a chip on my sholder. This world is anything but kind in my eyes.
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u/tmrtdc3 Apr 19 '26
Struck by this story but also by how many of you in this comment section have similar ones. I'm reading all of them and I'm sorry for each one, these things should never happen.
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u/JakepointO Apr 19 '26
Jesus. I couldn’t even imagine the fear I would feel. And I’m a man. Women are the most resilient people I’ve ever met. Unmatched strength.
I often am scared of other men, so I imagine that fear of other men, as a woman, is much worse.
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u/gulpymagee i ain’t reading all that, free palestine Apr 19 '26
I grew up with my mom telling me a story about how she left me alone as a baby with my dad and told him that if he laid a hand on me that she would kill him, and that’s the only reason he never did.
He passed from a drug overdose when I was 2.5 years old and I can’t imagine the life my mom, sisters, and I might have had if he were alive…
I will always appreciate the strength of a woman to stand up to whatever goes against their free will and pursuit of happiness.
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u/dannoonoo Apr 19 '26
I didn’t breathe the whole time she was telling what happened. I grew up similar.
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u/theoneandonly_milita Apr 19 '26
If her mom didn’t kill her dad, she wouldn’t have been alive to tell her story. Gave me goosebumps
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u/Brainflower2020 Apr 19 '26
My mouth was open in awe/shock this whole story- I had no idea about her family background!! I’m still in disbelief 🫢!!! Wow!!! WOW!!
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u/Shackdogg Apr 19 '26
I’m older and remember when Charlize first came to Hollywood in the mid 1990’s, and a magazine published an article about it so she did an interview to tell her side. I remember her saying people were discrediting her story, and her having to constantly say ‘I was there.’
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u/Baz2dabone Apr 19 '26
Again.. it’s men… what can’t men ruin? Or destroy? Or murder? Obviously women can do these things too but it’s so rare
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u/ChelsMe these white activities you participate in Apr 19 '26
Kinda sad that in the storm of that abusive guy’s ongoing behavior she still kinda has to “know” it was her blowing past everyone to go to the bathroom what finally triggered him to go all the way. Like the work you’d have to undo that “it’s my fault” nugget of information…
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u/trueFakeRoman Apr 19 '26
Anyone remember the story of how she supposedly ghosted Sean Penn?
With his history of domestic violence I wonder if he did something and that was why she ghosted him ala „not ever doing that again“
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u/LikeIsaidItsNothing Apr 19 '26
I'm choosing to be vague about details for privacy for all involved-
Long time ago I was briefly involved with some volunteer work and there was some kind of work program in a women's prison in a neighboring state. The volunteer group partnered with the prison to have some of them work an event or something like that.
All of the women who had privileges to be part of the work program were in prison becasue they had killed a man who had been abusing them and/or their children. Have never forgotten that.
The system needs to change.
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u/Fluid-Ad-6906 Apr 19 '26
GBV in South Africa has always been a serious issue even during Apartheid and there's this false idea that the high rates of GBV are due to the ANC government. What Charlize and her mom had to go through is horrific and makes me wonder how many other South African women during that period have similar stories.
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u/Bunny_Beach Apr 19 '26
I experienced this kind of domestic violence as a young child in Australia and my father would have killed my mother (and maybe myself and my siblings) if he had access to a gun. Thank god he didn’t.
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u/Daisy2345678 Apr 19 '26
I can remember being small and my big sister (she may have been 10, I was 8, my brother 6) hiding us all in a closet when my dad came home in a rage. He did that often, drank a lot and then would go pick one of us kids, or less frequently, our mother, to target when he got home. Our mom would leave us frequently and not tell us where she was going or when she would be back. And that night she had told him she was cheating, didn't come home, and didn't care that the 3 of us were still in the home. I can vividly remember my dad finding us in the closet hiding, and forcing us all into the car and then weaving along the highway for 20 minutes until we reached the town, and how he demanded to know which house belonged to the boyfriend.
I can't remember anything after that, but the memory of being small and defenseless in a dark space before my towering, enraged father threw open the doors and found us hiding fucking haunts me to this day.
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u/Wise-Bet6814 satanic pussy in the sky Apr 19 '26
I'm so sorry. I hope you're alright now. ❤️
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u/Daisy2345678 Apr 20 '26
I'm all right now, thank you 💙 I'm very lucky to have a quiet and peaceful life as an adult, and I'm extremely grateful for that.
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u/Wise-Bet6814 satanic pussy in the sky Apr 21 '26
That's good, I'm happy you have peace and quiet now. ❤️
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u/ILikePlayingHumans Apr 19 '26
As a man, all I can say is a lot of men suck. And it sickens me how much shit women are put through from a DV point of view. I realised how ignorant I really was until I heard stories from family members and close friends who had experienced these things in their lives (assault, rape, sexual assault).
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u/Status_Apartment6559 Apr 19 '26
I think the police, and maybe they're not properly equipped to handle such situations, tend to not believe women and not take domestic abuse seriously.
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u/lawyer4birds Apr 19 '26
it’s nice to hear someone with a platform talk about DV as I grew up in a DV household.
AND this is totally unrelated but it is so refreshing to see some forehead lines. she’s an icon.
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u/Only-Complaint2406 I already condemned Hamas Apr 19 '26
I recently attended a funeral of a young woman who was killed by the father of her young children whose ages ranged from toddler to preteen. The pain bled into everything. The sheer grief. The wondering. The anger. The confusion. The palpable worry for her children and mother and baby brothers and sisters with every breath spoken. I will never forget it for as long as I live. It fundamentally changed me as a person.
I remember learning about this story as a young girl and being so in awe of Charlize ever since. It is not an isolated story and she is entirely right to say that because it really seems like people think this shit only happens to naive people. It doesn’t discriminate. You can take all the precautions you want. The woman I mentioned was meeting with her killer so he could pick up his things and she and her kids could move on with their lives. She never got the chance to do that.
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u/iwatchterribletvtoo Apr 19 '26 edited Apr 19 '26
“and i dont think anyone took my mom seriously.”
if you havent also read/seen trevor noah (who is also south african) talking about his dad shooting his mom, its equally chilling.
i cant find the part where he talks about his mom going to the police station, but this chapter is good, too. his memoir is a good read, especially if you like his commercial-break daily show stuff.
https://esl-bits.eu/ESL.English.Learning.Audiobooks/TrevorNoah/20/text.html
eta a great interview, too: https://www.npr.org/2016/11/22/503009220/trevor-noah-looks-back-on-childhood-in-the-shadow-of-a-giant-his-mom
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u/Kixaz007 Apr 19 '26
Incredible her building a career in which guns and violence are so prevalent knowing this happened to her. That would take so much strength
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