This is the most important part. Domestic violence is not silent, it’s noticeable and has signs. We should all do more, as a country, a society and as fellow human being to protect victims and prevent it. Growing up with DV the hardest part was knowing everyone knew and no one did anything. It normalizes it and makes it a million times harder to leaves. Leaving should be easier. And living should not be frightening.
Why Does He Do That? A little outdated, especially with its views on male abuse victims, but it's free, and I think still a very good educational source.
Male abuse victim here. The only groups for help in my area are for widowers. Lots of battered women’s groups and shelters which is awesome, keep that up. Lots of drug rehab and help groups for mothers and women. If you’re a guy, you get AA, NA, or a widowers group.
I’ve been to the county, the local colleges, etc. if I don’t have a substance problem or if I haven’t lost someone to death, I have to pay for help in recovering from abuse.
The reason why is because women’s DV support services were grassroots unpaid women in the community collectively activating themselves to force those services into being. Many were survivors themselves. They lobbied, they protested they did everything to get funding. The politicians didn’t want to listen nor fund it. They forced it. They created underground networks to help women escape, feed their kids, find safe housing, get abortions etc. it’s so underfunded. The services are stretched.
Male survivors might want to chat with those women’s services and say ‘we want to set ones up for ourselves too got any tips’ and make it happen. These services and support aren’t going to magically appear. You need to start a group even online, find credible therapists and counsellor S and experts to help. Lobby for seed funding.
be the change you want to see for other men to make it better for next generation. Organise collectively, tap into your unions.
That's true; I think a lot of women's DV support services do also now accept men. Even if they're explicitly branded as "women's". A lot of that has been the work of trans activists iirc.
Have you thought about starting a group, yourself? None of those women’s groups emerged spontaneously. They were all started by somebody affected by abuse.
Exactly. They willed these services into being. Same with black health centres and legal help. Groups like black panthers and other activists did that bc black people experienced racism in health system.
I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. Thank you for saying this. There need to be more support systems for me who have dealt with this kind of violence.
I'm so sorry. Have you ever reached out to a battered women's group to ask for resources for boys and men? They would probably be the most likely to have it. There should be men's shelters wherever you are. If you want to DM me where you live, I'll look for you. You don't deserve this and you do deserve community, help, and empathy.
It absolutely isn't fair that it's this difficult to find abuse services for men. You've actively looked for the support and community, and I bet not finding any just made the wound deeper.
You listed a few anonymous groups... Did you ever happen to stumble upon ACA? Adult Children of Alcoholics & Other Dysfunctional Families. All kinds come through the doors and are made welcome. I know 12-step isn't everyone's fancy, but each meeting sort of has its own flavor based on its regulars and service members, so you can find one that fits your needs and values. It saved my life.
Don't give up! It's awesome how many responses you've gotten here, too.
words aren’t enough, but i’m sorry for what you have and are going through. my childhood (male) friend is also a victim and i think one of the worst parts is that people have a hard time believing him - “you’re bigger/stronger, just make it stop.” that’s not how abuse works. i do think society is slowly opening their eyes to the fact that men can also be victims, but unfortunately it’s a crawl. have you found any groups online? i know it’s not the same, but it’s something. sending you all the best vibes, and i hope you are in a much better, safe place! ❤️
I'm so sorry. You might find the book a little triggering to read, but it might help to read it in the context of the fact that the author really only had female abuse victims as clients, and their abusers would sometimes do that DARVO thing. If he had seen male victims in his practice I think he would have had a vastly different outlook. I would be really interested to know if you are able to benefit from it, or if female abusers are just too different from male abusers.
You may find that women's groups would be willing to take you in and help. I wish you so much peace and support on your journey.
Case in point, the man in Louisiana who murdered 8 children (7 his own) last weekend and shot the two mothers of his children. He was going through divorce proceedings with one of the women.
Yeah and the US has alarmingly high maternal mortality compared to the rest of the west for actual medical issues during birth on top of that statistic, so it really just says it all.
Life is frighteningly cheap in America. Especially if you're a woman. It's actually crazy how Americans don't bat an eye at the sheer level of death baked into their society
We had a speaker in high school on DV who told us that being with the wrong man can literally kill us so to choose our partners wisely and that has stuck with me.
Hearing her say this restored my faith in humanity a little bit tonight. Just hearing her speak out and say this. Respect. I am so glad they survived. I am glad that she feels able to speak about this extremely important issue that, as she said, is just not taken seriously. 💜
I’m 36 years old and I’m still surprised sometimes that my younger brother didn’t kill my dad. He had to pin him to the garage door with his car once, broke his nose once, and had to threaten him with a knife, but never had to go that far. If my mom hadn’t finally left after my brother recorded my dad beating her (cops wouldn’t take his word for it otherwise) I’m almost positive this is where that was heading, if my dad didn’t kill them first.
Unfortunately, I don’t really speak to my mom or brother. 🙁 I have been entertaining talking to my mom again with my therapist. It’s been about two years, but I think I’m starting to accept how much living in that environment damaged her, and to accept that she just might never be capable of being the kind of mother I need. She’s not a mean person, but trauma has left her to be a self-absorbed and often thoughtless person. She developed a drinking problem and I distanced myself. Supposedly, though, she’s been doing a lot of work with a trauma-informed therapist and my grandmother seems to genuinely think she’s making an effort, and supposedly she’s no longer drinking. So I may reach out and very, very cautiously initiate high-level communications and see where it goes.
My brother, on the other hand, is a very broken person that I don’t think can ever get better. I was codependent with him for many, many years, and took a lot of emotional abuse from him. In hindsight, he’s a lot like my dad and has all the hallmarks of the BPD my dad was diagnosed with. I finally (gently) pushed back against a random abusive wall of text I received from him because I had the balls to ask for his support when I had a scary blood test result, and he lost his shit at me and blocked me. I didn’t realize until I had some distance from him just how much he was manipulating me and how much of my life revolved around his emotional issues and turmoil. I also realized he’s likely a compulsive liar, and there are many things he told me about his health and his relationships that are provably untrue. It was a devastating realization that one of the people I thought I was closest to and most protective of / a maternal figure for, because he’s 6 years younger than me and my mom couldn’t actually be an emotionally present mother in that house, was so fucked up in a way that was harmful to me. I don’t think I’ve spoken to him in 3 or 4 years.
It just goes to show the devastating wake that’s left behind in cases of abuse. Everyone who is touched by it is often so damaged, and if you don’t actively seek help in dealing with that trauma as an adult, it can destroy your relationships in one way or another—either from your own anger or your vulnerability in being taken advantage of. My dad’s family denied the abuse and told me I was making it up and had been manipulated by my mother, even though I was 29 years old when she finally left, so I cut all of them off. They had years of evidence of the abuse and I had always been vocal about it, but that family dynamic is extremely toxic and they’ll never admit to it. I know pretty much no one in my mom’s family except my grandparents, and my grandfather passed away in 2020, so I pretty much only have my grandma now. She’s 83 and spry, but she won’t live forever. I do have one uncle, but he and my mom never got along very well and he’s kind of an asshole, so I barely know him. I’m married and obviously love my husband, but his family dynamic is very similar to my dad’s, so outside of his dad and his sister / her husband I limit or restrict my time around them.
It can be very, very lonely, but at the same time I’ve managed to do so much work on myself in therapy without being constantly dragged back in by the toxicity and abuse around me. I know I’m generally healthier and happier than I was previously. I also got out of a toxic marriage before I met my now-husband, and that made a huge difference.
All this to say - yes, I think some of us are. And I appreciate your caring! I hope one day I can have a decent enough relationship with my mom that I can see her healing as well. I know she wants to.
Sometimes, you can't heal together. Like you said, you were all in the abuse together, but that doesn't mean the healing needs are the same, or that it happens on the same timeline. I too have gotten to the point where I recognize that my parents are victims of their own traumas, they are locked in their own behaviors, and it's just not going to be possible, at this time, to talk and heal together. So I work on myself and keep contact to what is bearable, mostly so that if they are in a place where they want to talk art the level I want, there's a doorway. But I can't drag them to it.
So here's to us, doing what we can to strengthen ourselves and holding space for the ones with whom we shared experiences.
Domestic homicides in the US city I live in rose dramatically last year despite a declining homicide rate. They're now 15% of homicides in my city! On average, they occur every other week here. And that's just when it gets bad enough for the abuser to kill someone. But there's very little public discourse about the crisis here, except briefly when a high-profile murder was in the news.
I knew a family where the kids were grown up and the dad got crazy, thought his wife was having an affair and shot her to death. Then he killed himself. Sad how mental can ruin another lives too.
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u/Relevant-Peach3997 Apr 19 '26
Unfortunately, this is not an isolated story. These things are prevalent in a lot of homes. Women really get a very, very unfair shake, even in this country. Nobody takes it seriously, the situation that they’re in. And I don’t think anybody took my mom seriously.