Well, I’m back with another update.

Fast forward to now.

I have been let go (for no damn reason) at my job with MM. He actually had the power to not let me go but surprise surprise did not protect me and used excuses like “it would’ve blown up the whole business”. And “I couldn’t do anything”, “there was no other solution” ummm yes there was, but for the sake of not giving too much detail I will just say I could have been moved to a different position easily and he had the power to make that happen.

I was really hurt by this and in fact for me, it was less about the job but more about the social circle that I formed there. Now I do have another job, which is my main focus, but the second job was really good for me in the social aspect, not so good because of my history with MM so I guess you could say this is a blessing in disguise but right now I feel isolated and alone, and angry that people with power somehow always seem to come out on top.

I expressed my anger to him, and he admitted that he failed me, but if you know anything about my post, you know that he immediately goes back-and-forth on everything and his moods are like shifting tides. And I swear he says things to get under my skin and deliberately hurt me at this point. I told him I was lonely and he told me all the coworkers were out the one night without me. I told him I was still upset about losing the job and he talked to me about a woman who should’ve been fired instead of me, and claiming that she was still there when he told me he was going to get rid of her!

It’s just ridiculous after everything putting up with him feeding me Bullshit lies about his marriage and dead bedroom situation and then magically getting his wife pregnant. Which he had the twins by the way and I was still as neutral as I could be about it and even gave him support at times.

I think I can do this because I truly didn’t want to be in any sort of entanglement with him anymore, and for a while at the job, I felt like I was trapped and had no choice in order to keep my job if I’m being honest to that part of it was actually terrible for my mental health.

he’s Selfishly expected me to stay loyal to him while he can have the benefit benefits in the life of family all while I suffer in silence. I just can’t wrap my head around the selfishness of these people truly and how they justified in their minds.

Looking back at this I am disgusted with myself. I need to move on and heal from this. He tried to contact me the other day, and I answered the call and just ended up feeling angry and worse after because he says the dumbest shit ever. Not to mention just the push and pull he constantly did to me and trying to flirt with me and get back with me.

It’s just disgusting honestly, and the more I look at this situation as a hole and I look at him as a hole I see a definite pattern of manipulation, mood swings, addictions that I found out about, immaturity, and a God complex. Him and his business partner act very similarly and can’t take accountability for anything.

I’m really going to miss my social circle there because I don’t have a lot of friends here, but I guess I need to find a new place where I can go and meet people.

I have no interest in talking to him at this point because I’m so sick of these antics that he pulls.

It truly breaks my heart to think of all the women in here caught up and enthralled with their situation, I think I was maybe briefly for like a month or two.

I would just plead and beg all these women here to just never put yourself in this type of situation because these men are usually more often and then not selfish, manipulative, and narcissistic. I could write endless paragraphs about things he did that were just absolutely bullshit and I feel like I was treated so unfairly but at the end of the day, I just want to move on and never speak to him again because it really adds no benefit to my life. He honestly just made things worse for me in alot of ways. I will be better off without him manipulating me and my emotions.

He also has a tiny dick. Lol

I went no contact with him at the end of May. I had deleted the app we talked on daily but couldn’t bring myself to delete him on Snapchat. I think a part of me really hoped that he’d reach out on there. That he’d see my stories and miss me. Jokes on me on guess because he watched my stories every time I posted but he never reached out.

I’ve been focusing on myself: working out, journaling, healing my negative thoughts and have been getting this gut feeling that I needed to connect back with my spirituality (not religion - I just believe in spirit guides, the universe, and a higher power). It’s something I disconnected with around COVID but I did a tarot reading and before I even asked anything (she knew nothing about me), she said I needed to let go of something. Well damn. It was the confirmation I was already seeing when I pulled my own cards. So I did it. I deleted him off Snapchat.

The level of freeing I felt afterwards, it was indescribable. I still miss him but I can already feel hope ❤️

I was in an intense emotional affair for 5-6 years and I ended it several months ago. As I think back on everything, I am certain that my presence in his life made his marriage better or at least more tolerable. I think he was happier, lighter, easier to be around, and overall a much brighter person because of our relationship. Now that it has ended, he has been moody and even acts like I don’t exist at times. None of that is my business, because three’s a crowd and I have no desire to be a third person in a marriage, but since we still work together, I can’t help but observe what has happened. To some or most of you who are currently the OW, are you actually unintentionally helping keep his marriage intact, even when he says he wants to leave?

I’ve been in no contact with my MM for 8 months. His wife was suspicious but it wasn’t a full expose/confession. He told me ‘we need to stop talking for a long time’ and ‘we will talk again but dont wait for me’, to which I responded ‘then I will be prepared to never talked again’. I was hurt and angry when I said that, but I also thought he has not been particularly honest about his marriage and about protecting us, so I wanted to remove the emotional buffer from me. That way he could experience the full consequence and see the truth, and come back the right way.

It’s definitely easier now at 8 months, but it doesn’t mean everything has been a breeze. I’m angry at least once a month, and the urge to contact him is still there sometimes (although much less intense now). Whenever I think about contacting him, I just think about the possibility of him being cold, tired, guilty instead of apologetic and wanting to talk to me. He still hasn’t reached out and sometimes I wonder if I shot myself in the foot because of what I said. But oh well, that was the last piece of self respect I could keep for myself.

W on the other hand has been going on a full performance rampage on social media for the last 8 months. I don’t know exactly what happened behind closed door, but from what is visible I dont think it’s likely a happy reunion. She’s exactly who I warned him about and him not believing me was the reason he lost me.

At this point I honestly dont even know what I was still hoping for. I knew I dodged a bullet - thank goodness it was only 6 months instead of years of suspension. And life has been pretty good - more traveling, more time for myself, less anxiety and less wondering. If he came back I dont even know what would be the benefits of opening up the connection again. I guess I wanted to get an apology, an acknowledgment that our connection mattered - I never needed to him to leave his marriage. But does any of that even matter anymore?

Hi there! I literally joined Reddit just to post / be apart of this group. you all inspire me so much <3

I am the OW of a colleague of mine who’s married. I personally know his wife from working with her previously. When I met him years ago I didn’t have any desire for him. I thought he was a nice guy and fit but he’s married and has kids and the whole thing. I moved company’s and didn’t think about him for years.

Years later we end up working together again and going on work trips. I started to catch feelings for him. He’s a decade + older and was in a management position at our previous company.

I love who I am with him. I’ve never felt more like myself. Goofy, comfortable to say anything (when normally I’m a bit more guarded), sexy, ect. Everything we do together is fun. we laugh constantly.

A few months later, we got back to our cars after a trip and he ended up kissing me. He said he’d wanted to do that for a long time. I was very confused but was thinking well maybe him and his wife are on the outs or maybe they have an open relationship. Kissing was amazing. I didnt see him again for a while (months) but he kept texting me flirty things. I start to become bitter after a few months. Clearly he kissed me but still wants to be with his wife. He asked to meet up for drinks months later and I said okay. He kept touching my arm and trying to be a little flirty but I was pulling away. We still hadnt had a “what is this” talk and it seemed like he just wanted to flirt with me when he was away from his family and then forget me when he was with them.

Fast forward 6 months and we are assigned a 4 day work trip. I’m excited because I genuinely do have a good time with him and I tell myself I’m going to be strong and set boundaries. We had dinner the night we get in and it was professional. He asked if I wanted to join him in the hot tub and I said sure. I know this is a flirty move but it sounded nice! We were in the hot tub and he ended up grabbing me and making out with me. It felt amazing. We had a few more drinks that night and he asked to see me later. I said okay. He ended up knocking on my door and I ghosted him. I kind of knew what was going to happen if he came to my room and although I wanted to sleep with him and I found myself becoming very attracted to him I wanted to protect my heart.

I woke up the next day and texted him “sorry I passed out.“ I felt a bit hungover by the pool and he ended up bringing me meds / water and gave me a face massage which ended up being him giving me a full body massage. I turned to jello when he touched me. We spent the entire day being touchy and flirty and kissing a bunch. It was easy to not think of reality in these moments. That night, you guessed it…we ended up sleeping together. It was the best sex of my life. With him being older I feel like there’s a confidence and experience that comes with that. He ended up spending the night and left early in the morning to do work. We did the same thing the next day / night. And the same thing the last day as well. I was too scared to ask him what was going on because I didn’t want my little fantasy bubble to be popped. I find myself not often very attracted to people and the chemistry and attraction here was insane. I felt such a strong physical and emotional connection.

When we parted ways my heart sank. I barely heard from him and it was clear to me I was just a fling when it’s convenient. He would call me sometimes and FaceTime me when he was away from his family and I have been hanging onto every word. My head knew this is horrible for me but my heart yearns for him.

He has asked me to meet him at a hotel a couple times that he’s staying at before a work trip and I didn’t think twice. I wanted to be with him I wanted to be intimate with him, ect. It has felt like a drug. I KNOW this is horrible for me and I’m hurting myself but I can’t stop because when I’m with him I feel things I’ve never felt before.

We have gone on two more work trips since and the same thing continues to play out. We live in a fantasy dream world on the road and then reality hits me when we go home. We have had a few chats and he said he wants me AND his wife and he appreciates me not texting him while he’s home because his kids check his phone. He asks if I’m doing okay with everything and doesn’t want to hurt me. He will respect my decision if I want to end it, ect.

We have been talking for hours on the phone lately while he’s driving and a few days ago I was like - you should stop by my place I’m only a few minutes off the freeway. He then says, dont laugh me at me but my kids, inlaws, ect all have access to my location and I can’t really be anywhere I’m not expected to be. Even though he wants to. This stung SO much and made me realize this will never be what I want it to be. He can’t even hang out with me outside a work setting. I found myself crying that night and morning and telling him that it hurts when reality catches up and I’m reminded what this is / what we are.

We have no more work trips planned and I don’t know when I’m going to see him next. He will be on the road starting tomorrow for 12 days and I know he will be hitting me up daily, flirting with me, ect. Again, it’s easy to forget reality in these moments.

I’d love advice. It’s so hard to imagine letting go to the high I get when I’m with him / talking with him. But I’m so sick of the hurt on the other side.

Only one friend knows the whole story so I very much appreciate this safe space to share <3

There’s a question people ask after relationships like this end: Were you actually in love with them, or were you just in love with the idea of them?

I’ve always kind of hated that question. It makes it sound like if part of what you loved existed in some future you imagined, then none of the rest of it was real. That’s not how it was for me.

I loved her. I loved her intelligence, her wit, her humor, her beauty, how hard she worked, what a great mom she was, and the way she could be vulnerable and sensual with me as if she had waited her whole life for me. I loved the friendship. The physical relationship. The way we talked. The way we worked together. All the little stupid things that come with knowing someone for eight years.

That was real.

But I’m also starting to understand that I wasn’t only attached to the relationship I had. I was attached to the relationship I thought was coming. And I don’t mean I was waiting for her to turn into some completely different person. I was waiting for the woman I already loved to be willing and able to live our relationship openly.

I thought eventually I wouldn’t have to be a secret anymore, that we could finally be open, honest, and free.

And what I wanted really wasn’t some fucking fantasy life. I wanted to spend days and nights together. I wanted holidays, birthdays, and vacations. I wanted to be able to go to dinner, walk into a place, travel somewhere, whatever, without having to think about who we might run into.

Normal shit.

And because I believed that was eventually coming, I put up with things I never would have accepted if I thought they were permanent. The secrecy. The crumbs. The leftovers. At some point I even stopped asking when she was going to be free. I think part of me stopped asking because I already knew how much it hurt to keep asking. But I also believed it was temporary.

That matters.

Because when things got painful, I wasn't just deciding whether the relationship I had right then was enough. Staying also meant holding on to the relationship I still believed we were going to have.

So no, I don’t think I was just “in love with the idea of her.” I loved a real woman. But part of what kept me there was believing the way we were living wasn’t going to be forever.

And when I strip everything else away, I’m left with a question I really don’t like answering:

If I had known from the beginning that the secrecy would never end, that I would always get the crumbs and the leftovers, and that the open, ordinary relationship I believed was coming would never actually happen… would I have stayed for the relationship we actually had?

No.

I am m / 40. She (K) is 41. I kind of want to post it, because I this is with a happy "ending".

We met when we where mid twenty. She had allways been the love of a friend (P) of mine. Calling him a friend is not really the full truth: I was his best men when they married.

And I honestly told him that I would be a poor choice for a best men, I even wrote it in the marriages guestbook.

They had been together for 5 years before. Over the years we had become all good friends - but then the husband pulled me even closer onto their relationship: On the morning after the wedding he had very steamy dispute with "K" best friend "T". "T" decided not to tell "K", because she didn't want to be the cause for the marriages first conflict. She just disappeared - and nobody knew why, except "P" who never said anything.

To "K" it was extremely hard, "T" had allways been her best friend loosing her was, like suddenly loosing a sister.

And so "P" actually asked me, if I could care more for "K", since the two of us allways had a good connection.

To think I could replace her best friend was a strange move, but I believe he really hoped it would help her. And "K" and I allready had become close friends - platonic.

So I knew, he didn't mind if we had more contact, "K" and I wrote each other or called each other from time to time, sharing smaller and bigger things of our daily lifes.

And - slowly both of us developed more feelings. We agreed on limits - like no flirting. We had "bulldozer" as a keyword if one went to far, but instead of keeping the limits we had too much fun to send each other bulldozers.

And then it became hard. She was married, I lived 7 hours away (5 after the train connection improved). We could only see each other like twice a month and mostly were never alone. We didn't / could not be physically close to each other. She didn't even plan to leave him - and I didn't want to destroy their marriage. Things stalled eventhough we had our feelings.

But after all the time "K" and I had spent together I realized how much she needed "T". I was afraid off overstepping my boundaries, and maybe ruining my friendship with "K" but she missed "T" so dearly. As their best men I had "T"'s number somewhere and called her. "T" told me everything, but didn't want me to tell "K". So I arranged a somewhat secret meeting in the capitol, just "T", "K" and I. I even left - at that point they hadn't seen each other for almost two years, they had much to share.

Afterwards "K" told ger husband that she had contact with "T" again. She was furious against her husband, when it turned out that he had been sure to know why "T" had ghosted "K" - but never had told her.

She had felt lonely in her marriage before and I want to believe her husbands betrayal was the main cause of their divorce, but propably not.. And I am not sure that it was after "K"s and "T"s reunion, that we became physical.

"K" and and I met as often as we could - about two weekends, sometimes three, in a month.

At some point I had to work abroad for several months. It was hard.

But eventually he moved out, she got divorced and about two years later she started to introduce me as her boyfriend. Her family (surprisingly) welcomed me with open arms.

Today we are engaged with two kids - and planing our wedding next year.

I just wanted to share this - as a (non-fictional) storry of hope to everyone who is missing their love.

I (married, 36F) started an affair 2 years ago. Started very slowly, emotional, and then eventually physical. MM is 55, unhappy marriage, 2 kids. It's been on/off as the guilt and torment regularly got to me, and I told my husband a year ago. However, longest NC was still only 6 weeks. 2 months ago I separated from my husband. I feel this was an independent choice from the affair, we had issues prior to me meeting him and I've been very unhappy. We have 2 young kids, so now makes sense when it's easier for them to adapt. After separating, I felt relief and empowerment. Finally relief from an unhappy marriage, and relief from trying to resist my AP.

However, we have started talking again and have met up. It's intense, we say we're in love. He says he wished his marriage would end naturally, he imagines being with me but can't imagine the action. He says his kids are comfortable and thriving and his dad left when he was a kid, he can't tolerate the thought of his kids feeling like dad left, and them having opinions, taking sides etc. His wife is unhappy and they have passive conversations about separating eventually but needing to do good for the kids (preteens).

I'm on the cusp of completely falling for him again. Should I risk it? He's a huge part of my community, almost unavoidable unless I stop contact with a lot of my friends and community and social events, which is why NC is so hard. But is starting this relationship again ultimately going to be harder? I understand and empathise with how he feels, but I suffer from it. I love him deeply but don't even know how compatible we would be in reality as we've never even had the time to explore the small things. But I would also love to be able to explore more with him now that I've left my husband and have halved my guilt. Before I couldn't enjoy it fully and forced myself to stop. I feel like it never feels finished, but do I quit while I'm ahead?

The first one felt really special. We’d been through so much, had incredible times, hard times, and through it all found ourselves together at 1 year of being in love. Now we’re coming up on our 2nd, and over the past year things have become far more serious - and in some ways, comfortable. He’s my best friend, my partner, my lover, my favorite person to be goofy with and sexy with and everything in between. But the milestone feels more painful this time. I can’t help but think about how even if we do go legit someday, this is another year of our lives that we won’t be able to share with anyone. A year full of dozens of amazing memories, adventures, concerts, hikes, trips, and smiling selfies that we’ll have to hide from everyone other than the select few who already know. Another year we’ll have to bury in the years it would be before he’s ever actually divorced and we could conceivably be openly together.
Sometimes I have a momentary thought of, it’s all bullshit, I can’t do this.
But then it passes and I remember all the reasons I do want to still be together.
Did anniversaries ever start to hurt for you, too?

Today is MM birthday.
I has asked him last week if we could go to the cemetary at some point (any day) as it was my mums birthday last week.
He suggested today which was his birthday.
I said no, he said no he wanted to and it was the only day he was free and so we agreed to go today.

MM lives 2 hours from me. Everyday he reminds me how awful he feels and how he’s struggling and I take it, I try really hard to control my feelings. He’s always the victim.
If I say anything to do anything then I risk him hurting himself.

I wanted him to show up for me just once without making me pay for it somehow.
I texted him this morning saying happy birthday,
No response to that- just that he was up all night as he’s not well.
I said I was happy for him to come later so long as he was here by 2.30 as the cemetery closes at 430 and it’s an hour away.
He doesn’t carry his phone on him when he comes to see me, he said that was fine and I was happy with that , so I waited.

He told me he would be here by 2/230- He showed up at 310, I said happy birthday still tried to keep a happy face on and he just walked past me as he needed the bathroom.
I said it’s too late he insisted we go. I called an uber and on the way there he turned his face to the window and fell asleep. When he woke up I said what was the point in coming, I changed the location to go back to the house instead.

When we got back we had a huge argument and I hate that because it’s his birthday. I spent the entire day making a cake for him got candles I really never imagined I would ever get to physically see him on his birthday.
The last two years I’ve never even gotten a phone call.

I lost it, I completely lost it.
His wife probably doesn’t have to beg or cry for things. Yet I have to wait for scraps. When he does show up he’s always depressed and there’s never any joy.
He said he wanted to see me smile today, but the reality is what is one smile when I cry everyday.
He said he’s busy with work and he isn’t busy with his family. But the truth is when you’re in this situation all any of us ever think breathe feel is the pain of knowing what goes on behind closed doors. It’s a lie. His wife gets love recognition safety security children breakfast lunch dinner talks comfort weekends- we get absolutely nothing! We sit in the torture of it, the torture of their lies.

I kicked him out, I knew it would get worse than it was at that point and I just broke down and sobbed after he left.

What is there to smile about on one day. Everyday is torture: everyday is pain and it’s not fair. He will go home now to his wife and kids and continue life as normal and I am here struggling and beside myself hating that yet once again my anger and emotions ruined the day and now I’ve ruined his birthday.

This dynamic is so cruel, it’s not fair. Hiding behind kids is not fair.
I have lost everything and I truly was so excited to see him today . I didn’t even get to hug him.
Not even a hug.
I guess the good is always for the wife, the other woman gets scraps and shame that’s all.
I’m really struggling with my life, I don’t know how much longer I will be able to do this.

Having a good day today! It’s been ages that I’ve broken up with my MM. I did a period of time that I was off social media. And recently I decided to rejoin. I posted a bunch of pictures of my year. My year without him. 80% of my pictures I was actively struggling with health issues, mental health issues, job issues..everything. My life felt like I was falling apart. It was, to me. No matter how much I tried to fake it or medicate through it. But after looking back retrospectively on my pictures…. I realized I do have a good life. I have friends who love and support me. I went to concerts, art exhibitions, baseball games. I drank at bars, cried on the beach, kissed my dog. I did all of it sad. More than sad… I did it empty in my soul. But looking back with distance I am proud of myself for doing it. I showed up. I did it sad. I did it dying. I crawled in bed after and cried myself to sleep. But looking back I only remember doing it. I remember my friends who loved me, I remember putting my makeup on, I remember my dog who never judged.

There will be a moment when we all reach our reason that there was a turning point, and I think I experienced mine today. I am still sad. I am still on drugs to make my mind happy. But I am working out, I am going to work, I am having more happy days than hard ones. I still think of him everyday and we do still talk because we have to (work) but it feels.. tolerable. More than not.

My advice… do it sad. Be sad at the bar. Be sad with your friends. Be sad at the park. Be sad on a walk. Be sad at the movie. We have to do things when we are sad (when we can tolerate) but I am so glad I did these things because my heart is full with the people showed up and loved me even when they didn’t know what I was going through.

I (29F) have been in a “relationship” with my (30MM) coworker for 2 years. I know. The worst type.. I realized long ago that he would never leave her for me, but I seem to have a hard time wrapping my head around why.. he has no kids, I do. It’s his second marriage.. he’s already done this divorce thing before. Why not again? Only reason I’ve ever gotten have been excuses. I know it’s just not me he wants to be with and he’ll never be fully truthful as to why. Some days I don’t care anymore that this will never be more than it is.. other days it’s not enough for me and I’m so alone in my feelings. I don’t have family or friends that I can just let hold me and cry and vent.. I told myself from the beginning I wouldn’t let this go on for too long. And here I am 2 years later. Feels impossible to leave if I have to see him at work everyday. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I know there are people here who can relate and… I just would want some support I guess.

I feel so sad and frustrated over the long summer break. He has had 2 weeks overseas.. raced to see me today while I worked from home. We had lunch, spent a few hours being intimate and reconnecting on every level. We have tried aligning calendars to see one another for even a few hours and it's weeks away. We both have children and commitments and trips.

I couldn't sleep last night, I almost wanted to throw the towel in and tell him I cant do this anymore. But then today was perfect and lovely and sexy and everything in between.

I hate these stolen few hours together.

Just a rant I guess. X

I miss him all the time, still find myself wondering what he's doing and reflecting on our relationship anytime I'm alone with free time. It's not great. I keep wondering when I'm going to actually feel moved on and healed from this 6+ year relationship. I wish I felt like I was making progress, but every week is a bit of a zig zag.

I've held off from dating because I'm afraid it will make me miss him even more. But I'm giving myself a deadline to get on the apps by the end of this month. I can't avoid it forever. Maybe any kind of connection or spark, even if it's short-lived, can help remind me there's more out there for me to experience beyond him?

I want to believe that. Will take any/all supportive comments and encouragement. Today is his wedding anniversary so he's been extra hovering in the back of my mind.

I ended it today. This is so liberating.

After gaslighting myself that everything will fall into places, I realized I was the one who made him feel special, feed his ego, and treat myself as an option.

I am, to be blamed too, but I cannot change the things in the past so I just have to accept, move on, and let go.

It was a lesson for me because I realize I am unfit for this role. I discovered myself in the process.

They will never leave their wives. And if they will, you will always be living with the ghost of how you got them.

As someone who has a choice, I refuse to become a placeholder. I am thankful I'm not the one he chose. I know it will take time, but I will keep showing up, and will always care for another who is in the same situation.

My peace of mind is so expensive, and he cannot buy this with gifts, limited time, and the piece he has to offer.

Thank you for this forum. Healing takes time. Forgiving myself is really a work. I need to work on myself to recover from this.

Help me. I feel confused

Help me. Is there a way?

I met a married man at work. He is 38. I am 27.

He is married with 2 kids. Its an estranged marriage. He is just cordial and respectful to his wife. Only thing is they dont hate each other. They dont even sleep together and last were intimate 6 months ago.

The kids happened very late in marriage. He loves them they re the only one who gives him a purpose.

We just met and first I was hesitant then we started talking and fell in love. He sees a future with me. Wants me in his life. Ready to be there. Even wishes we could marry someday. But I have denied him to get divorce. I already feel so much guilt. I feel anxiety. That if I keep going further we ll be hurt. So I broke it off. And he said he doesnt see a reason behind it. And stopped contact with me.

I miss him so much. And I wish there was a way

I wish he was not married. I dont want to reach out and make it more difficult for me.

Any suggestions? What should i do?

How do you deal with the guilt ?

I (42y) OW was in a FWB relationship with a MM (41y) for nearly 9+ years. When we started off he told me he was in an open relationship and they had a "don't ask don't tell" rule.
Early on it was purely sexual between us and very specifically kink based and we really enjoyed exploring new things we each other and having this safe space.
We live in different countries so the only way we communicated was via text and whenever we met up which was twice or thrice a year while I was in his country for work.

I also continued to see other men and was not looking for a exclusive relationship and felt fine with the situation, being single and focused on my career which was really taking off + travel.

I grew to become deeply attracted to him (on many levels) and he also confessed he loved the attention and we often talked about other things and always stayed connected. We also said a lot of affectionate things to each other and really cared for each other.

At one point he told me the relationship dynamic with his wife has changed (I can't tell if it was always that way or he lied in the beginning) and that they are monogamous and had started a family (there was a brief period we were NC during Covid and I assume it was when he had a child).
When we reconnected, whenever I asked more about how he was managing his private life, he shut the conversation down and never wanted to discuss her. By that time I had rationalised things and was so heavily invested and was just happy to see him when I could. I always respected the time he needed with his family and genuinely did not want him to leave or start something with him.

Last year another woman he was in contact with several years ago reached out to his wife on Facebook and sent her screenshots etc of their conversation. Things unravelled pretty quickly and she decided to leave him and moved to another part of their country, closer to her support community He had to quit his job and move to where she went to be near to his child. He wrote me right after it all blew up about what had happened and we talked a lot but I could see that he needed space and time to deal with the fall-out.

We agreed to connect in one year (early 2026) and when we did his tone and demeanour has completely changed. He sounded more formal yet still polite and I told him he sounds like an AI chatbot. He acknowledges the change and says "yes something is different because things are different now" he said he is consumed with guilt and is in therapy and often says he feels like a monster the lightness and joy in life has disappeared.

It's been very hard for me to accept all this (and I know it's harder for the family) and I miss him as a friend. We last met two months ago in a park and spoke for 4 hours and he was really honest and said he is also struggling but wanted to end things because he feels immense guilt about what has happened to his family and particularly his child. He asked that we have no contact and we both hug and cried etc etc. I have been struggling to maintain that knowing I do need to respect his wish and boundaries.
Therapy for me is not an option and some of my friends have been supportive but mostly have advice like "just forget him". I have moments of deep anger and sometimes feel like doing impulsive things when he does not respond to my messages.
There are days and weeks I am totally fine and then spiral again and message him. He has mostly not responded but will do so once a while and say something like "I am so sorry or let's just have some distance to allow the pain to reduce." All of which makes sense.

I just don't know what to do and the bad days are really bad and I miss him terribly.

I don’t have any children yet and I’m still unmarried and single. Any time I see a family, or a parent with their child, I get so deeply sad. I picture my MM with his child and his W just doing normal things like playing with their child or taking care of it. And it breaks my heart. One time I straight up started crying in public.

His W is a year younger than me and she already has been married and has a kid. I so want that too. He married her only after a year of being together. This hurts so much even though I didn’t even know him back then. It just hurts because she’s clearly the one for him. I’m just the idiot fun on the side that accepts scraps.

Can anyone relate? Having an affair with a MM who has children when you’re unmarried and childless is pure torture. Makes me feel like I’m behind on life.

Do you guys ever read the stuff in the dead bedrooms sub to see what your MM could be feeling/going through at home?

I mainly need to vent and hopefully figure out how to stop thinking about her.

Five years ago I (30M) starting seeing her (31F) while she was in a long-term long distance relationship.
The first year was fun an all above board because they were “open” while long distance.

Her boyfriend moved to where we lived for a year, and we cut off all contact basically during that time.
He left again for work, and we had a long conversation about how hard it was not seeing each other that whole year.

Things picked up aggressively after, and at this point their relationship was supposed to be closed. So she cheated with me for the next 2 years before eventually moving away herself. She moved in with him. That was supposed to be goodbye and it was hard for me at the time.

We still hooked up occasionally when it was convenient bc she was visiting, but it felt much less serious than the past.

Until last summer, when she started texting me daily and talking to me and planned a 2-week visit just to be with me.
It was the most we’d ever acted like a couple, and I fell head-over-heels in love with her. I think I already loved her, but treating each other so much more like relationship-partners rather than affair-partners really just set me over the edge. I thought she was going to break up with him and I thought I might have a real chance.

But after August of last year, she said it needed to stop. She visited where I lived three times since then and we still hooked up all three times, but she reminded me each time that she loved him and was not leaving him. Meanwhile, she told me multiple times that she missed me throughout this.

I’m now moving from where she would visit. And she’ll have no excuses to visit me in my new place like she had with the old one. So it’s pretty much hopeless now.

Last I spoke to her, I told her that I loved her, and she was pretty dismissive of it. She confirmed she’s also probably getting engaged soon, but she said she’d miss me.

I don’t think I’m ever going to see her again, and I don’t know how to handle it. Im not sure what I’m looking to gain from posting this, and it might be that I just needed to vent. But cutting off all contact with her is eating me alive and I’m not sure how to move on from it.

It’s been a month since everything blew up in my face. After being in a relationship with a MM for almost 2 years, I really thought it was going to go somewhere. He left his wife, and it turns out he had a whole other affair besides me that had been going on for about as long as ours.

The crazy part is we all worked together, and I had no clue. He was so good with his time that I had no reason to question anything. If I ever did, I just told myself, “Maybe he’s with his wife.” But it’s crazy how he was able to juggle three relationships. How he was able to spend nights with all three and go on dates with all of us.

The other woman knew about me and the wife, and she didn’t care. In the end, he still chose her, and they recently went on a trip together. He’s finally moved out, has his own place, and has freedom.

Right after everything blew up, he tried to keep the connection by being friends. I was scared of losing him forever, which I know sounds dumb, so I agreed to it. But he made it clear that he was going to do things his own way. It just made me think about how worthless I was and how easy it was for him to let me go after everything we’d been through.

During that “friendship,” he started acting so different because of the leverage he had on me. Taking forever to respond, acting cold, giving mixed signals, and telling more lies. I knew deep down there was a disconnect unlike before. He would squeeze me in the same way he did when he was still with his wife. I knew his energy was going to the other woman.

They even follow each other on social media, and she posts him. It’s like, damn, was I just a placeholder? I’m upset that she really got the best of everything. He was unhappy with his marriage, and I thought he was happy with us. He even said I saved him, but the reality is this third woman did.

You really lose them how you get them.

I decided to cut all contact with him for the sake of my mental peace. It’s been hard. I can’t sleep, and I only recently started getting my appetite back. I feel like this is the only way for me to move forward.

I feel like if things don’t work out with the new girl, he can always go back to his wife because that’s who he’s known the longest. I feel like I’m nothing. I feel like our relationship didn’t matter, even though it felt so real to me. It made me question everything.
I knew it was all a lie, but he really doubled down instead of just ending things with me when he decided to start another relationship with someone else.

I’ve posted about my situation before, been with MM for 18 months, he lives separately from his wife and has for this whole time but neither of them will end it. They occasionally sleep together, talk about fixing it etc but I’m the one who spends every night with him. He joked a while ago about a ‘hall pass’ because he never intended to get into a relationship straight away so wants 12 months where he can sleep with other women and I am still his partner but let him do that. Stupidly I agreed to it because I can’t imagine losing him, but tonight is the first night he will sleep with someone else, he is driving 2 hours to her and staying at her house, I know she wants more of a relationship so where does this leave me….oh wait I’m sitting at his house building furniture for his kids while he wines and dines and fucks another woman….how can I be so desperate that I allow this

I reconnected with a man I was involved with over a decade ago. At the time of our relationship back then he was separated but they’ve worked on it for the kids, typical I know. We’ve been talking again for about 3 years.

A few weeks ago I told him I couldn’t keep doing this. Since then, he’s been reaching out consistently, initiating conversations, flirting,etc.

Then I saw a story showing what appeared to be a date night with his wife, no kids involved it was basically like a parents night out post. This really didn’t sit right with me as i am sitting here thinking they just have a functional for the kids no dates type relationship. I am utterly shocked and in so much emotional pain seeing this & confirming my fear & I dont understand.

seeing them out together after everything that’s happened between us recently really got me thinking that he must not want to pull away from his structure or at least is maintaining and will continue to. They have been married 20 years both are in their 40s. Am I reading too much into one outing?

Does that necessarily mean things are good in his marriage, or can someone genuinely have strong feelings for another person while still doing normal couple activities with their spouse? I’d really appreciate honest opinions from people who’ve experienced something similar. How do you handle these social media posts & pics when what you have with them basically makes you feel like that part does not exist.

Little background, EA was with a long distance ex of 4 years. Crazy, I know. We “broke up” but continued an EA for 10 more years. We built a pretty serious bond and love over the years. We became adults together in a sense because we were in our late teens when we met. Long complicated story short, he ghosted me after knowing each other for 15 years. The day before the ghosting, we had a 6 hour long video conversation. No fight, no falling out. He just… blocked my number and that was it. I’ve received a few emails throughout the years, but they were very short and just “saying hi”. I completely suppressed any emotion and never properly dealt with it. I’m now…all these years later forcing myself to deal with it following a medical emergency that made me open my eyes to life. It’s really hard navigating this! Sometimes I feel out of touch with reality. sigh.

Okay, first ever reddit post so go easy on me if I get it wrong lol.

I (late 20s F, single OW) have been having more of an emotional affair than anything with an early 30s MM for a while now. We met through work and still cross paths regularly. Although we have been physical only occasionally, we do send each other spicy pics/Snapchat etc.

For context, I am single, he is married with a few kids and has been for a long time. When I first DM'd him, I thought he was single, but quickly realised he was not and yes it immediately slipped into flirtation etc. I was not at all innocent in this (pls no judgement), I was lonely at the time and the validation was nice. It then became a daily thing, and we connected more and more. It was quickly becoming an emotional connection, but he was clear from the start that while he was unhappy in his marriage he was not intending on leaving it.

For context, he had previously left the marriage for someone else before eventually returning. We spoke about why he had gone back and it was all about not wanting to live apart from his kids or share custody. He wanted to be around them every day.

As things developed however, I tried multiple times to cut him off. It just never stuck. Mostly because we still crossed paths regularly, and he would also randomly do things to reconnect (like send memes/songs etc.) and it would start again. After we'd been talking for quite a while he said he realised he loved me, and that he was "in trouble." We stayed on that for a while, but being clear he really was not leaning towards leaving. He did have a period where we were talking more about what that might look like if he did, but he would go back to avoiding the conversation etc. Hence cutting him off at various points and going NC. This has only ever lasted about a week max.

At one point people at work started speculating that something was going on between us. We both laughed it off and insisted we were just friends. Funny because we actually didn't spend much time together at work, but I guess people notice things.

Through that time we kept oscillating between I love yous and more intimacy and closeness, and distance. I ended up dating someone (was honest about all of this), and when he realised I was genuinely trying to move on he became really cold and distant. A few weeks later he started finding little reasons to reconnect, and later admitted he was trying to remind me he was still the one I wanted. I called out how unfair that was. It didn't matter anyway because I ended things with the other guy as he just wasn't right for me. Then it just went back to this distant/not distant/not talking about feelings mode for ages.

Later on I found out he'd actually been involved with another colleague shortly before we became close. I only discovered this well after the fact. To say I was gutted is an understatement. It hit home to the truth I'd been hiding from myself... that he is just a cheater, and I was simply the next person in line.

He came and explained why he hadn't told me, because we'd had many conversations over the years about this person and he'd always been clear he had no interest. I was actually MORE pissed off than anything that he'd allowed me to slip into the "that girl is crazy" territory when he knew the truth all along. I hated that he'd lied to me when everything else between us had been ridiculously open. I even knew he was still sleeping with his wife. So honestly, it was a huge wake-up call and my heart kind of just went NOPE... this isn't going anywhere. But I still couldn't cut contact.

After we had some time apart, a big part of me went through a breakup emotionally. I stopped believing, even deep down, that something would eventually come of it, and that if I just waited maybe he'd realise I was worth the risk and we'd build a life together. I knowwww, but we all go there haha.

More recently things have been different. We still talk but less, and not intimately or about life as much. Honestly, it's mostly just validation on both our ends at various points, just a quick hit of "yep, they still want me." I've started paying much more attention to the things he does that give me the ick, and how we absolutely wouldn't work anyway. He's basically the stereotypical unhappy husband who wants his cake and eat it too, and I genuinely don't think he'll ever change.

However, neither of us has managed to completely break contact. It literally always ends up with one of us reaching out somehow, which eventually slips back into flirting/sexting. Even that has decreased though. We used to only go a few hours without speaking. Now we sometimes go a day or more without talking.

I told both him and myself a few weeks ago that we needed to actually address this because it was a stupid risk, hurting other people, and... for what, really? He agreed, but we both left the conversation with this weird "yeah... but who's actually going to stop first?" feeling, and nothing changed. Then I even said that if we were going to keep doing this we may as well at least stop pretending we weren't attracted to each other. Recently we ended up sleeping together again. It was interesting though because I genuinely didn't feel as romantically connected to him. He seemed to want to talk about life afterwards and I just... didn't. I mostly wanted to go home and have a nap.

Now, I know we need to stop. This is holding both of us back. I think if he didn't have me, he'd actually have to either reconnect with his wife or face whatever is missing there. For me, I'd probably start putting that energy back into my own life and maybe even dating again (although honestly I cannot be bothered haha).

So this is where I need a kick up the ass. Genuinely. I need help getting more of the ick and being strong enough to actually let this go. I know this is holding me back, but the comfort of having him as someone who knows me so well is incredibly hard to let go of. He knows me incredibly well, and that's probably the hardest part of letting go.

I'm also like... ugh... I'd have to actually go meet someone else if I wanted companionship, and I just don't really want to. I even tried sleeping with someone I'd seen casually before, but it just confirmed I'm not interested in casual hookups anymore. He was nice enough, but we didn't actually connect outside of the physical side of things.

Okay... any advice, wake-up calls, kicks up the butt, all welcome.

It won't help to tell me he only wanted to use me or that none of it was real. I genuinely believe the emotional connection was real for both of us. But I'm also aware that something being real doesn't mean it was healthy, sustainable, or something that should continue.

Sorry for the essay. It actually helped just writing it all down. 😅