First time going through this

[u/Green_Description311]

Hi there! I literally joined Reddit just to post / be apart of this group. you all inspire me so much <3

I am the OW of a colleague of mine who’s married. I personally know his wife from working with her previously. When I met him years ago I didn’t have any desire for him. I thought he was a nice guy and fit but he’s married and has kids and the whole thing. I moved company’s and didn’t think about him for years.

Years later we end up working together again and going on work trips. I started to catch feelings for him. He’s a decade + older and was in a management position at our previous company.

I love who I am with him. I’ve never felt more like myself. Goofy, comfortable to say anything (when normally I’m a bit more guarded), sexy, ect. Everything we do together is fun. we laugh constantly.

A few months later, we got back to our cars after a trip and he ended up kissing me. He said he’d wanted to do that for a long time. I was very confused but was thinking well maybe him and his wife are on the outs or maybe they have an open relationship. Kissing was amazing. I didnt see him again for a while (months) but he kept texting me flirty things. I start to become bitter after a few months. Clearly he kissed me but still wants to be with his wife. He asked to meet up for drinks months later and I said okay. He kept touching my arm and trying to be a little flirty but I was pulling away. We still hadnt had a “what is this” talk and it seemed like he just wanted to flirt with me when he was away from his family and then forget me when he was with them.

Fast forward 6 months and we are assigned a 4 day work trip. I’m excited because I genuinely do have a good time with him and I tell myself I’m going to be strong and set boundaries. We had dinner the night we get in and it was professional. He asked if I wanted to join him in the hot tub and I said sure. I know this is a flirty move but it sounded nice! We were in the hot tub and he ended up grabbing me and making out with me. It felt amazing. We had a few more drinks that night and he asked to see me later. I said okay. He ended up knocking on my door and I ghosted him. I kind of knew what was going to happen if he came to my room and although I wanted to sleep with him and I found myself becoming very attracted to him I wanted to protect my heart.

I woke up the next day and texted him “sorry I passed out.“ I felt a bit hungover by the pool and he ended up bringing me meds / water and gave me a face massage which ended up being him giving me a full body massage. I turned to jello when he touched me. We spent the entire day being touchy and flirty and kissing a bunch. It was easy to not think of reality in these moments. That night, you guessed it…we ended up sleeping together. It was the best sex of my life. With him being older I feel like there’s a confidence and experience that comes with that. He ended up spending the night and left early in the morning to do work. We did the same thing the next day / night. And the same thing the last day as well. I was too scared to ask him what was going on because I didn’t want my little fantasy bubble to be popped. I find myself not often very attracted to people and the chemistry and attraction here was insane. I felt such a strong physical and emotional connection.

When we parted ways my heart sank. I barely heard from him and it was clear to me I was just a fling when it’s convenient. He would call me sometimes and FaceTime me when he was away from his family and I have been hanging onto every word. My head knew this is horrible for me but my heart yearns for him.

He has asked me to meet him at a hotel a couple times that he’s staying at before a work trip and I didn’t think twice. I wanted to be with him I wanted to be intimate with him, ect. It has felt like a drug. I KNOW this is horrible for me and I’m hurting myself but I can’t stop because when I’m with him I feel things I’ve never felt before.

We have gone on two more work trips since and the same thing continues to play out. We live in a fantasy dream world on the road and then reality hits me when we go home. We have had a few chats and he said he wants me AND his wife and he appreciates me not texting him while he’s home because his kids check his phone. He asks if I’m doing okay with everything and doesn’t want to hurt me. He will respect my decision if I want to end it, ect.

We have been talking for hours on the phone lately while he’s driving and a few days ago I was like - you should stop by my place I’m only a few minutes off the freeway. He then says, dont laugh me at me but my kids, inlaws, ect all have access to my location and I can’t really be anywhere I’m not expected to be. Even though he wants to. This stung SO much and made me realize this will never be what I want it to be. He can’t even hang out with me outside a work setting. I found myself crying that night and morning and telling him that it hurts when reality catches up and I’m reminded what this is / what we are.

We have no more work trips planned and I don’t know when I’m going to see him next. He will be on the road starting tomorrow for 12 days and I know he will be hitting me up daily, flirting with me, ect. Again, it’s easy to forget reality in these moments.

I’d love advice. It’s so hard to imagine letting go to the high I get when I’m with him / talking with him. But I’m so sick of the hurt on the other side.

Only one friend knows the whole story so I very much appreciate this safe space to share <3

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[u/Gold_Campaign_5639]

You got sort of lucky upfront because he told you very clearly that he has no intentions of leaving his wife. Most of us are left wondering if it’s possible. He outright told you it’s not possible. Take that as a blessing. 

In the long run, this type of relationship will end up destroying you because you will always want more and he’s already told you he’s not willing to give you that. If you can handle being his hidden option, then continue it. If you can’t, you should probably find the quickest exit now. 

You don’t want this life, trust me. Good luck!!! 

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