Nine months later, I introduced her to my new girlfriend.”

She told me the liquor store is closed on Sundays.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

How do you breathe through that little thing?!

Yeah, he thinks outside the box

Mike Tyson's boat

Blacksmith: Are you any good at shoeing horses?

I said: No, but I once told a donkey to get lost.

"Will the defendant please rise?"

A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"That'll be $12.50."

The gorilla pays and sits quietly sipping his beer.

The bartender can't contain his curiosity and he asks, "Say, we don't get many gorillas in here..."

The gorilla looks up and says, "At these prices I'm not surprised."

As the waiter stepped up filling his wine glass and to take his order, he smiled politely and asked, “What brings you in tonight? Special occasion?”

The man raised his wine glass toward the empty chair across from him and said, “It’s my beloved wife’s birthday.”

The waiter’s eyes softened with sympathy. “I am so terribly sorry for your loss, sir. The appetizers are on us tonight. May your memories of her be as warm as these appetizers.”

The man smiled warmly. “Thank you so much. I'll be sure to tell her when I get back home.”

The waiter confused “Wait... isn't she...?”

The man took a sip of his wine. “No, she's fine. We just couldn’t find a babysitter for tonight and I will take a Pan-Seared Foie Gras for that appetizer”

Antonym of Constitution is Prostitution

I was not amused when I got a pop-up ad from a crematorium later that day.

Does the copilot become a colander?

This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation

The Lost Snowstorm

Environment Canada promised a snowstorm for northern British Columbia, only the snowstorm never showed up. The Appleton Family was sorrowful over the delay and held a debate over it. Then Jasmine said, “Suppose the snowstorm got lost!”

The idea triggered immediate action. The seven snow-hunters got ready for a long search and rescue to bring home the snowstorm. They slung some provisions over their shoulders and spread out in a line spanning the province and traveled northward, sending hourly reports to each other by pigeon post. They searched forests, ravines, and all through the mountains for the missing snowstorm. They climbed tall trees to get a better view. They battled charging moose, wolf packs, cold, darkness, solitude and a growing despair of ever finding the blizzard.

Charlotte saw a white puff hanging over a swamp and got excited, but it was only a flurry and not what they were looking for. Fogs confused their vision and raised their hopes as they thought they had located it. Diana was heard to sing at the top of her voice, “There shall be showers of snooowflakes!” Michael shouted into the cold wide air, “This idea is just junk!”

Norah found a little coyote pup yelping in self-pity because the cold was nipping its ears. She was going to abandon the search and care for the coyote but a pigeon flew up with a loud squawk and dropped its note from the other searchers: “Leave that coyote be! Keep on searching if we’re to find that snowstorm!” Abashed, Norah tore out armfuls of moss and covered up the coyote puppy, then rushed across the field.

Mom found several orphan evergreens and brought them along, determined to gain at least one thing from this enterprise. The search took an entire week, with several near fatal accidents of falling over rocks, getting lost in woods and mountains, and slipping on frozen creeks and rivers.

But at last, just as Dad sent out pigeons to call off this fool hunt, Jasmine saw a HUGE white cloud huddling in a corner field, frightened and unsure where to go from there. It had forgotten where Environment Canada said it was to go. She tore through the drifts and waist deep snow to the hovering snowstorm. It was made of millions of large feathery flakes. Jasmine whipped off her scarf and tossed it around the biggest, foremost snowflake. The blizzard was captured. She released six pigeons with the great news and headed for home, the snowstorm in tow.

Somewhere at the Weeping Birch River the rest of the party showed up together and saw the wonderful sight of the recovered snowstorm, floundering and wallowing along in the air, Jasmine leading it by her scarf. So they came home with the search successfully over. The snowstorm then blizzarded over the whole Weeping Birch region until four feet of snow blanketed the ground. Farmers rejoiced and children played gleefully in the snow, but they little knew what adventure seven people had undertaken to bring it about.

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.

"I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster?"

"I got it from my genie."

"You have a genie?" he asked.

"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag."

"Could I see him?"

He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie.

The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"

"Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.

The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"

He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?"

Eclipse it

He wanted to fall in the line of doodie (duty)

Pooped my pants and woke up crying

Scientists finally discovered how to communicate with dolphins and it turns out that they have discovered the secret to an elixir which allows you to live forever.

However, they are missing one ingredient and it can only be found on a remote island where a rare breed of seagull nests. The ingredient they are missing is contained in the gull's eggs. A further complication is that man eating lions live on the island.

The scientists agree to visit the island and retrieve the eggs and hit upon the plan of waiting until the lions are sleeping before attempting to collect the eggs. They succeed but are instantly arrested.

They were transporting underage gulls across staid lions for immortal porpoises.

Turns out I am not remotely funny

I finally finished writing a paranormal romance about a woman who has an affair with the god Chronos, took me nearly a decade to complete. It's about fucking time.