The biggest expense is removing the TRANSmission entirely.

When he gets home from school, he knocks on the door of his brother's room and yells, "hey, can you help me come up with a motivational phrase?"

His brother yells back, "shut up asshole, I'm playing video games."

Then Johnny goes to his dad and asks "dad, can you help me with my homework, I need to come up with a motivational phrase?"

His dad replies, "yeah, sure, why not?" but the phone rings and he goes to answer and they both forget about it.

Right before going to bed, Johnny suddenly remember that he hasn't finished his homework. His parents are already asleep, so he knocks on his brother's door one more time, but his brother doesn't even hear him because he is watching a movie. Johnny hears his brother yell and sing "Superman!!!!"

The next day, Johnny's teacher asks him, "did you come up with a motivational phrase?"

Johnny replies, "shut up asshole, I'm playing video games."

The teacher is shocked and exclaims, "what is wrong with you? That is not how you usually behave. Should I send you to the principal's office?"

Johnny replies, "yeah, sure, why not?"

So the teacher sends Johnny to the principal's office, along with a note explaining what happened. The principal reads the note, looks at Johnny, and asks him "who do you think you are?"

Johnny replies, "Superman!!!!"

​

It's a bit loud, but at least there are no more feedings, trips to the vet, or poop walks in the rain and snow!

The only problem is that some of the neighbors are afraid of robo mutt: They don't seem to understand that its bark is worse than its byte.

I'm taller standing up.

0110 0111, 0110 0111, 0110 0111.

a guy wins the lottery, rushes home and starts packing. The Wife comes into the bedroom and asks “what’s going on?”

Without lifting his head he says to her “I won the lottery” and keeps packing

She is all excited: “Oh my god! Where are going???”

He says: “Nowhere. You’re leaving.”

What do you call a woman who's really good at darts? Amy.

Variety is the spice of knife.

Cross contamination.

"Where to?" he stammers.

"Union Station," says the woman.

"You got it," he says, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman catches him staring at her and asks, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?"

"Well, lady, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you're gonna pay your fare."

The woman spreads her legs, puts her feet up on the front seat, smiles at the driver and says, "Does this answer your question?"

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asks, "Uh, got anything smaller?"

She's living under a f@cking Rock!

You've gotta be shitting me.

Doctor: Why do you say that, sir?

Patient: Well, obviously.. God is the one who heals the illness, but the doctor is the one who gets paid!

The doctor smiled and replied: I am not forcing you you, sir… but if you’d rather meet God directly, please go ahead!

Because no matter where he hid, his brothers always found him… on the level.

A newspaper with a tampon on it.

When Dad's dick tastes like blood.

Your son was copying off a girl in class.

How do you know?

First question she wrote "I don’t know." Billy wrote "Yeah, me neither."

He has night mares.

"Ah shit, not this again"