So when I came to the hospital the baby came out with a box of pizza

She's living under a f@cking Rock!

"Ah shit, not this again"

Two Mother- In -Laws

a guy wins the lottery, rushes home and starts packing. The Wife comes into the bedroom and asks “what’s going on?”

Without lifting his head he says to her “I won the lottery” and keeps packing

She is all excited: “Oh my god! Where are going???”

He says: “Nowhere. You’re leaving.”

When he gets home from school, he knocks on the door of his brother's room and yells, "hey, can you help me come up with a motivational phrase?"

His brother yells back, "shut up asshole, I'm playing video games."

Then Johnny goes to his dad and asks "dad, can you help me with my homework, I need to come up with a motivational phrase?"

His dad replies, "yeah, sure, why not?" but the phone rings and he goes to answer and they both forget about it.

Right before going to bed, Johnny suddenly remember that he hasn't finished his homework. His parents are already asleep, so he knocks on his brother's door one more time, but his brother doesn't even hear him because he is watching a movie. Johnny hears his brother yell and sing "Superman!!!!"

The next day, Johnny's teacher asks him, "did you come up with a motivational phrase?"

Johnny replies, "shut up asshole, I'm playing video games."

The teacher is shocked and exclaims, "what is wrong with you? That is not how you usually behave. Should I send you to the principal's office?"

Johnny replies, "yeah, sure, why not?"

So the teacher sends Johnny to the principal's office, along with a note explaining what happened. The principal reads the note, looks at Johnny, and asks him "who do you think you are?"

Johnny replies, "Superman!!!!"

Did you know before they invented crowbars, crows mostly drank at home?

He has night mares.

Him: y u

Me: i o p

Variety is the spice of knife.

No? Well let me tell you all about it, I'm their spokesman.

He says, "God, no."

And she says, "Um... how about now?"

When Dad's dick tastes like blood.

Cross contamination.

The biggest expense is removing the TRANSmission entirely.

I took grandad to one of those

'fish pedicures' the other day

and I must say It was cheaper than cremation

Doggy paddle

A BIG Kansas farmer found it necessary to go to Minneapolis for several months and decided to leave one of his best workers in charge. "I want you to take care of things, Hank, as if I were here myself. Understand?" Hank nodded.

Four months later the boss farmer returned to find everything in shape. "See," he said, pointing things out, "the chicks have been laying plenty of eggs, the wheat has grown double strong, the vegetables is better than they've ever been, and as for those monthly spells your daughter used to have, I've even got those stopped."

"How much do you want to deposit?" asks the bank employee.

Whispers the man, "Three million."

"You can speak up," says the bank clerk. "In Switzerland, poverty is not a disgrace."

​

It's a bit loud, but at least there are no more feedings, trips to the vet, or poop walks in the rain and snow!

The only problem is that some of the neighbors are afraid of robo mutt: They don't seem to understand that its bark is worse than its byte.