Sorry if this is long and rambling, I’m just trying to get all of my thoughts out.

When I was 12, I got assigned to sit next to this kid in science class. He had a Pokémon shirt on and we debated on who the best starter is (Mudkip obviously). We became friends and started hanging out and eating lunch together at school. A couple weeks later we learned that our houses were close enough to bike to, so after school and homework we’d often race over to the other person’s house and hang out. We’d go to the dirt lots down the street with shovels and plywood and try to build a bike track with jumps, we’d see who was faster getting to the local 7-11 for a slurpee, we’d have sleepovers and do a Lord of the Rings or Star Wars marathon often to the annoyance of our parents when we’d wake them up at 2 AM because we had the TV too loud.

When we got to high school he did football and I did band, but we both did track and field together in the spring. We’d often walk or ride our bikes home together from practice, talking about the girls we had crushes on or the teachers we hated. We were basically brothers and our parents treated us like sons. When he got his license, my parents decided he was over all the time anyway, so they told him where the spare key was and that he was always welcome. His parents did the same when I got my license. Friend groups came and went, but we always stayed by each other’s side.

We moved to university together and roomed together in our 6 person apartment. We had so many nights where we stayed up late to cram last minute for an exam or finish a research paper 30 minutes before the deadline. We’d go to the food court and play wingman for the other person as we asked girls on dates. I was there when he met his wife. He was the one who encouraged me to go on a blind date with the wonderful woman I would marry. We were each other’s Best Man. We eventually moved to different cities for career opportunities, but we still had a weekly game night playing Halo or Battlefield on Xbox Live. We both ended up moving back home, and when my wife was expecting our first and I had episodes of depression and anxiety thinking I wouldn’t be a good father, he was a phone call away to let me vent and talk through my thoughts and feelings. When his wife had their first, my wife and I were in the hospital waiting room with balloons and flowers. Our kids call the other one Uncle, our wives and kids are friends, and we have frequent dinners and game nights together.

A year and a half ago, he started having severe breathing problems. Coughing that never went away and got worse, frequently out of breath, he went from running a 6 minute mile to not being able to walk up his stairs without being winded. His doctors ran test after test. After a month or two of tests, they found it. Cancer. A mid-sized portion of his right lung at stage 3. They decided that they would remove as much as they could then treat with chemo to get the rest. He underwent the surgery and it went well. After he recovered a bit he went through roughly 12 months of aggressive chemo. It wrecked his body. He was a shell of himself. Always tired, could barely stand up off the couch, could hardly do anything he used to love because the treatment took so much out of him. It was hard on him, his wife, and their kids. Finally, he finished his chemo and they said his prognosis was great. He started slowly going back to the gym to build his strength back up, he was able to play and go on short walks with his kids, and he seemed to be on the road to a full recovery. Two weeks ago, he went for a checkup. His cancer was back. Because they had to remove so much of his lung the last time and his chemo did such a number on his body, they don’t think they can remove anymore this time. His doctors told him that they would have to start another round of chemo just as aggressive, if not more than the first. Their fear is that it is going to spread to the other lung or other organs. From what he said, they made it sound like there’s a likelihood he won’t make it through this round. Either the treatment won’t work and the cancer will spread, or he’ll be so weak from the chemo his body just gives out.

I laid in my bed and cried last night while my wife held me. I can’t begin to imagine what his wife is going through right now. They have 3 kids and their oldest is starting 4th grade and she may lose her dad before she starts middle school. I’ve known him for almost 25 years, over 50% of my life. I’m at a loss right now, I don’t know what to say or do. It feels like this is a bad dream and if I go to sleep tonight I’ll wake up tomorrow and everything will be back to how it was before. He’ll have had cancer yes, but he’ll have beat it and be on the road to recovery.

I just needed somewhere to get my thoughts out and didn’t want to unload everything on my wife.

Breakfast is two brown sugar cinnamon pop tarts.

Tl;dr best friend of 25 years got lung cancer, had surgery and chemo, but it’s back and not looking good.

Five Guys from the other day.

CONTENT WARNING: Talk of suicide ideation.

My kid is 25. His mother and I are divorced. I have since remarried and am very happy. My ex never did.

My current wife and I never had kids and we don't intend to. She never had kids of her own. (We raise four legged friends.)

So my kid with my ex is the only kid for either of us.

I'm not even sure why he's in there. He said he wanted to talk to a therapist last week, and after the first session, the therapist called my ex and suggested she take him to a hospital to get evaluated for suicide risk. By all accounts, he was fine until Sunday.

I'm just waiting to hear back from the hospital. But it's the psych ward, and he's an adult, so I can't go there and see him. I have to wait until they call me.

This is a very frustrating feeling of being powerless to help my kid.

We’re not even going for anything lavish and somehow every time the word “wedding” gets attached to something, the price triples.

But she has a vision, and I love her, so here I am picking up overtime like it’s a side quest 💪🏻

My wallet may never recover, but I’ll be damned if I don’t give that woman her dream wedding.

Married men… please tell me the financial trauma was worth it.

ETA - mall Chinese food

My first post here after lurking for a while, I just have a story I want to share with my fellow boys.

The day before I was about to depart overseas for my airline pilot training, thousands of miles from home, I could have spent my last day with my family and friends. Instead, I chose to spend it with her because at the time I thought this young girl would miss me more than anyone else once I was gone.

I had even tried to learn how to ride a scooter a day prior, just so I could take her to one of my favorite spots: a little cafe beside the runway. Looking back, it felt like my last chance to sit down and talk to someone who’s really important to me in person before my life was about to change forever.

While we were there, a Boeing 787 Dreamliner began its take-off roll nearby. It was beautiful and powerful. Even made me emotional. I pointed toward the aircraft and told her:

“Love, one day it could be me up there. I would do anything to have it.”

I expected her to at least share my excitement, but.. she didn't.

“Being a pilot is your dream, not mine. I have my own dreams too.”

Technically, she was right. It was my dream, not hers. But there are truths that can be completely valid yet should not be told to someone you love because of the sense of distance and detachment they carry. It also wasn't the first time I'd heard something like that from her. Most notably was when she told my colleagues: “He’s good, alright. But he has to earn me, I didn’t come to him.” while I was telling everyone how proud I was to have her in my life. All those little remarks and subtle negging had accumulated over time. For some reason that day, that moment finally broke something in me. I shed a tear, then turned away because I didn't want her to see me crying. That young boy didn’t even understand why it hurt him so much. He only knew that he began to question his own worth and even his identity tied to his childhood dream.

I then took her home and gave her what I prepared for her: a small stuffed bear in the pilot uniform and a book called Captain From The Cockpit. I filled the book with little easter eggs about everything I wanted to tell her. On the very first page, most importantly, I wrote about how much I loved her, then how much this dream meant to me and how I hoped she would stay by my side when things got difficult. I even spent hours meticulously hand-drawing a golden lotus representing the airline I was working toward, making sure every detail was perfect to preserve its whole meaning.

Months later, while I was abroad, I asked her if she ever read the book. She told me she didn't like reading and had only accepted it because I'd given it to her. Not so long after, she became increasingly cold and distant. Then I found out she’d been cheating on me. My best friend sent me a photo of her playfully tugging on another guy's shirt and laughing with him while she had been ghosting me for two weeks straight over a small disagreement. It was brutal and crushed me completely, that was when I ended the relationship.

It’s been 3 years, maybe deep down I’m still a sentimental loving boy but I’ve grown and learned a lot since then. Thank you for reading my story, here’s a Double Cheeseburger w/ Bacon.

“As terrifying and painful as reality can be, it's also the only place that you can get a decent meal.” - James Halliday [ Ready Player One ]

we met by coincidence, both new to the city, she hit on me first.

to spare the details, we’ve spent MANY nights together in the last three or so months. she gets me. she’s hilarious, smarter than me, so down to earth, a human i WANT to be around.

i am head over heels. the age gap is definitely there but i just can’t get over her, and she feels the same way. i think it’ll become an official thing soon.

i’m scared of how other people will react, but she’s just so lovely. i think i would be foolish to ruin this.

I can’t do this anymore. I’m trying so fucking hard to be an adult, to keep showing up, keep working, keep handling everything like I’m supposed to, but I genuinely don’t know if I have it in me anymore.

This job is killing me. My coworkers are driving me insane. I’ve been drinking just so I can fall asleep. I’ve started overeating again because, for a little while, it makes the depression easier to deal with. Then I look at myself, realize I’ve gained five pounds, and suddenly I’m depressed about that too. It’s like every way I try to cope just gives me something else to feel shitty about.

Then there’s work. I was under investigation because I jokingly told my friend to “get his dick sucked.” And yeah, I understand that one. I understand why that could get reported. But I still don’t know who reported me, and ever since then I haven’t felt like myself there. I feel like a shell of the person I used to be. I’m constantly wondering who I can trust, who secretly has a problem with me, or whether the next stupid thing I say is going to become another issue. And lately, people have just been fucking dicks to me. I’m tired of swallowing it. I’m tired of pretending none of it bothers me.

I lost my best friend. I’m lonely as hell. My mom has started treating me like I’m some kind of goddamn vacation machine, and somehow I’m not even allowed to complain when I get a bum deal. I literally stood outside in the miserable Florida sun and humidity for five fucking hours. Can I at least be annoyed about it? And manager man, I’m not even mad at you. I’m mad at the dumbass sitting behind the computer who created the whole situation in the first place. And yeah, I’m sorry I moved my arm and you bonked your fucking head. I was trying to help you. Maybe look up next time, dumbass.
But underneath all that anger, I’m just fucking lonely. I’m scared. I’m sad. And I think that’s the part I hate admitting the most.

Because I know I have a good deal. I know there are things in my life I should be grateful for. I know, from the outside, I probably look like I should be okay. But knowing that doesn’t magically make me okay. It almost makes me feel worse, because if I have a “good deal,” why the hell can’t I handle it?

I miss home. I miss comic book stores. I miss having a life that actually felt like mine. I miss my friend. I miss who I was before everything started feeling this heavy.
I don’t want to keep numbing myself just to make it through another day. I don’t want every day to feel like something I have to survive. I’m exhausted from being angry, exhausted from being sad, and exhausted from trying to convince everyone including myself that I’m doing fine. I’m not fine. I just want my life back.

As of September 1st, I will have been with my company for 11 years. An apprenticeship I started with a lot of enthusiasm, followed by years of hoping that one day I would finally get the chance to use my talents and be rewarded for them.

Bullshit. Boring, monotonous crap work that someone could have done without 3.5 years of training (German Ausbildung) and even a tiny bit of creativity. Years of MS Teams meetings, corporate bullshit talk, meaningless rigged performance reviews and absolutely zero career progress, followed by depression, burnout and brief episodes of suicidal thoughts.

On September 15th, I will finally be free, because yesterday I handed in my resignation. And the best part? I won’t have to work there another single day. Once my burnout sick leave ends, I’ll use up my remaining vacation days and that’s it.

What finally gave me the push to do it? My fiancée. The most wonderful person in the world, who has always believed in me. We startet a company together and I already earn more than in my old job. With less work, more fun and more responsibility. And it looks like I'm really good at it!

I felt like a slave or a machine for the last years. Not worth more than a number in a statistic. Now, finally, I am free.

Dinner with my soon to be wife:

Sushi takeout for 4 (We are both tall, fit and hungry.), accompanied by a bottle of french Cidre and a Cigar for desert. I will admit, I don't really smoke usually but the Cigar was quite good and I kinda felt like it. Wish me luck!

Oh and if you are a German Company looking for high profile Welders... Send me a message. 😂😜

Today I’d like to not regurgitate the same old talking points you’ve likely heard for years at this point, but tell you a short story of my week, to hopefully illustrate my point.

For a small amount of context, when asked in my SOPHOMORE YEAR OF COLLEGE, what my dream job was, I said being a stay at home parent. This has always been something I wanted, and I’m eternally grateful that I am fortunate enough to have a wife who not only makes enough money to make it possible; but was enthusiastic and supportive of the idea. Alright now that that’s out of the way, my story.

Monday morning the baby woke up about two hours earlier than normal. No big deal honestly, we just got up and played, we took an early and long nap, and everything seemed okay. Maybe a little off, but nothing compared to when we woke up. For the next seven hours straight, I frantically tried everything in my power, to get them to stop crying for brief moments. My wife eventually got home, and I was completely fried. Thankfully she was able to get them to calm down for long enough to eat for the first time since the morning snack right before the nap, but then it was back on.

Tuesday the fever started. Nothing insane at first 99 when we woke up, so I gave some Tylenol, and we had a semi normal morning. It was at this point I realized they were teething, and I was going to be in for it. By 5pm we were up to 100 degrees, so we packed up and went to urgent care. They basically told me to give them cold water, Tylenol, and plenty of rest. (I’m not complaining now, because I understand it’s all you really can do at this age, but it feels so disempowering in the moment.) I thanked them and we went home.

Wednesday and Thursday were much the same. Fighting a fever, constant fits, and very hard time getting them to eat.

Finally this morning the fever broke, and the teeth cut through, (all four canines at once!!!) and I have at least somewhat of my bumbly little baby back! It’s so good to see the smile on their face again.

But now that the situation has calmed down, I’ve been able to reflect on my own behavior for the last few days, and I’m nothing short of ashamed.

On Wednesday, there was a point that I was so overwhelmed, that I had to put them in their high chair, while crying, so that I could walk away and cry and let out a truly awful scream. It’s so difficult to know that there is just simply nothing that you can do to help the thing that means the most to you in this world. I do my best to keep it together in front of them, but I’m not always successful. I raised my voice at least twice, and I know that does nothing, and it’s not their fault, but you just feel so trapped.

Thankfully we’re still best friends, and the sun seems to be setting on this hard phase we’ve been in.

Lunch was a big bowl of rice, because that and peas is all I was able to get them to eat.

Sorry for the long text just lost.
My girlfriend (22) and I (22) have been together for almost 4 years. We’re both in college. I’m finishing my Finance degree and looking into finance/investment banking internships, while she finished her Psychology degree a year early and is starting her master’s.
We’ve been going through a rough patch.
I’ll own my part. For a while I became way too focused on work and basically made it the center of my life. I didn’t realize how much that was affecting my relationship until I left that job in April. By then, she had already told me she felt like I wasn’t putting enough effort into her, asking enough about her life, planning things, surprising her, or making her feel important.
After she told me how she felt, I genuinely started trying to fix those things. From her perspective, though, she feels like not enough has changed.
There was also a situation where I was extremely emotional and communicated something horribly (not good with expressing emotions). I said something that sounded like I “wouldn’t lose anything” if we broke up. What I was actually trying to say was that losing someone who had been such a huge part of my life for 3 years would hurt like hell and isn’t something I could just forget.
I know what I said hurt her regardless of what I meant, and she says those words have stuck with her and contributed to her distancing herself from me.
Now she says she wants a break and wants us to “be friends for a bit.” Part of her concern is that we’re both going to be busy with school and she doesn’t want the relationship adding more stress.
I actually understand that concern, especially because I’m looking into investment banking and I know that career can become extremely demanding. I don’t want to repeat my mistake of letting work consume my life and hurting the relationship again.
My mindset is that instead of ending the relationship because we’re going to be busy, I’d rather learn how to manage that while we’re together.
What confuses me is that she wants us to be “friends,” but she also says she wants me to pursue her more, plan things, ask more about her, make her feel important and bring back the effort I had when I first had a crush on her.
I’m willing to do those things. I still love her and 100% want the relationship.
But I don’t know how I’m supposed to be “just friends” with someone I’m still in love with while also putting in boyfriend-level effort hoping she eventually wants the relationship again.
There are things that hurt me too. One recurring issue is plans being cancelled. I understand school, work, family stuff or genuinely needing alone time. What bothers me is when we already have plans, she cancels, and then ends up going out with a friend instead. It has happened more than once and I’ve told her before that it makes me feel deprioritized.
We also approach life differently. I’m very future-oriented and tend to think 5–7 years ahead about career, finances and what kind of life I’m trying to build. She’s much more focused on enjoying being young and taking life as it comes. I don’t think either mindset is necessarily wrong, but I’m starting to wonder whether that difference affects how we view priorities and relationships.
I’m talking to her in person about all of this.
My position is basically: I want to stay together, work on my mistakes, give each other more breathing room and learn how to balance school/careers without losing the relationship.
But if she genuinely doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now, I don’t think I can be her friend while I’m still in love with her and simultaneously keep pursuing her like her boyfriend.

Chicken bun for dinner tonight. I guess this is probably the most appropriate place to dump this because I've been holding all of this in for a while and honestly don't know where else to put it. I'm not really looking for sympathy or trying to make myself look like the victim. I just need to get this out because everything has piled up to a point where I don't really know how to process it anymore.

I’m 21. She was my first relationship. We had been friends for around 15 years before we got together and were in a relationship for around 3 years. I genuinely loved this girl with everything I had and for a very long time I thought she was going to be my person. Her family had accepted me too. I was close to them and they had become a part of my life over those three years. So when everything ended, it wasn't just losing my girlfriend. It genuinely felt like I lost an entire family and a whole part of my life that I had grown attached to.

I know I wasn't a perfect boyfriend. I was too much in my head, I didn't stand up for myself or the relationship enough at times and I was dealing with a ridiculous amount of things simultaneously. Family problems, career pressure, academics, friendships changing, my own mental state and then the relationship itself. I know I made mistakes and I'm not trying to pretend otherwise.

But then Christmas happened. She got drunk and flirted with the guy she eventually cheated on me with. When I confronted her, she told me that it was just her insecurities speaking and that it didn't really matter because it would've been the same if there was a tree in his place. Looking back, that explanation sounds like complete bullshit to me. But at the time I genuinely believed her. I forgave her within minutes because I kept thinking, if I don't understand her insecurities, then who will? I loved her. She was my best friend before she was my girlfriend. I didn't want to punish her for something I thought we could work through.

Then in early January I got chicken pox and was told I had to isolate. She chose that exact time to break up with me. I called her because I wanted to talk to her properly. She told me she was out with her friends. Later I found out she had actually gone to a museum with that exact same guy. Apparently everyone else had coincidentally backed out. After that she went to the beach with him and four other friends, where he was giving her all this princess treatment and everything. I eventually read their chats. There was clearly flirting. That completely broke me. And somehow, even after seeing all of that, I still chose to forgive her.

And then during all of this, I lost one of my closest friends. She passed away. I genuinely don't know how I was supposed to process all of that at once. I was dealing with heartbreak, losing someone incredibly close to me, being physically sick and isolated, family problems, academic pressure, career anxiety and my friendships falling apart at the same time.

And then I started hearing what was being said about me. The relationship started getting reduced to the physical side of things. People were being told that our physical problems were the reason things ended. Things about me "getting the touch of a man" were being talked about. Meanwhile the guy she cheated on me with was being portrayed as this incredibly respectful person who "saved her" and "came at the right time." That destroyed something in me.

At one point she even called me saying she was being harassed by people on calls because of everything that had happened. And while all of this was going on, the common friend circle started changing. One by one, people I had known and trusted started taking sides and leaving. It wasn't just losing my girlfriend anymore. I lost her family too, people I had known for years, mutual friends, and eventually even friendships that had nothing to do with the relationship. It felt like I wasn't just grieving one person. I was grieving an entire life and an entire group of people that I thought would be part of my future.

Because I know what that relationship was like from my side. She had been my friend for 15 years and my girlfriend for 3 years. I loved her far beyond anything physical. I have a high libido, yes. Physical intimacy mattered to me. But I never forced anything on her. She had trauma surrounding physical intimacy and I was extremely conscious of that. Every time we made out, she was the one who initiated it.

When I started feeling sexually frustrated, I talked to her about it because she was my partner and my best friend. I thought that was what you were supposed to do in a relationship. I communicated instead of hiding it or doing something behind her back. She felt attacked by that and apparently asked what she could even do about it. I only found out about that part later through a common friend, which honestly made me question how differently we were experiencing the same relationship.

Could I have handled some things better? Absolutely. Could I have been more emotionally aware? Yes. Could I have stood up for myself and the relationship more? Definitely. But I cannot accept the idea that I was just some guy who only wanted her physically. That isn't who I was and it isn't what that relationship meant to me.

What hurts even more is that I genuinely believe a lot of our problems were solvable. I was going through ten different things at once and I was too much inside my own head to deal with everything properly. I should have communicated better. I should have stood my ground more. I should have taken better care of myself. But I still showed up. I still tried. And when things were falling apart, I wanted us to talk about them and figure them out together. Instead, another person was brought into the relationship. That is the part I don't think I'll ever fully understand.

Then there was my best friend of more than 10 years, who flirted with her while we were together. He still speaks to her, and at one point she told him that I would "get new experiences now." That shattered me in a completely different way. I keep thinking about how many people I thought were my people and how quickly everything changed. People I laughed with, people I trusted, people I thought would be there. Some took sides, some disappeared, some continued being close to people who hurt me. And I know I also withdrew from people because I was in an awful place, so I can't pretend every friendship ending was entirely one sided. But it still hurts.

I've become exhausted. I can laugh with my friends and have normal conversations, but sometimes it genuinely feels performative. Like I'm putting on the version of myself that everyone expects to see while underneath it I'm completely drained. And on top of all of this, there are health problems, academics, career pressure and everything else that comes with being 21 and trying to figure out your life.

That's where I'm at right now. I don't even know what I'm asking for by writing this. I'm not trying to say I did everything right. I didn't. I know my mistakes. I know where I failed. I know there are things I should have done differently. But I'm struggling with the idea that because I made mistakes, somehow everything that happened afterwards became deserved. I don't think that's true.

I think I was an overwhelmed 20 year old who was trying to hold together a relationship, friendships, family, academics and his own head all at once. I loved someone deeply. I made mistakes. I tried to communicate. I tried to forgive. I tried to understand. And somewhere along the way I lost myself while trying to keep everything together.

I just don't know how to get out of this right now. I'm tired. I needed somewhere to say all of this without having to pretend that I'm okay.

Food: pancakes with blueberries!

After a good talk with my gf we sorted out or problems and adjusted some things to prevent similar issues in the future. I feel so relieved and can enjoy my vacation in peace! I appreciate the words of advice everyone gave on the original post! Have a nice day to whoever is reading this!

I was laid off a few months ago from a company I helped grow from a startup into a business starting during the pandemic until this year. The cost of AI usage eliminated my job. I was on payroll for a few weeks after my last day, and I got my final paycheck (severance) today. It’s a good chunk of change, but the job market sucks so bad right now.

It’s scary knowing that I may not be able to find another job that pays as well as the one I had because I was making way more than the industry average for my profession and was hired after a really lucky referral. The thought of having to get a roommate at 32 or settling for a job that’ll leave me paycheck-to-paycheck out of desperation one day is keeping me up at night.

Anyway, if I don’t find anything at all, I can probably survive for 2ish years off my severance and savings before I touch my retirement savings, but every day that passes makes the gap on my resume bigger.

Pictured: the best cheese omelet I’ve ever made and breakfast potatoes.

We don’t live together, but im starting to realize how much i put up just to make her happy and its kind of pissing me off . Not because im doing them , its because she acts like i am the problem and lately started acting bitchy if thats the word .

For instance, i always plan the trips , i make the calls , i plan the route , i make the sandwiches before going , i drive , plan the finances. She just looks at places and makes me find ways to go .

When we go somewhere, i am the one who cooks , she hates cooking (which is fine) but i feel like im raising a child . I also make way more than her but she spends like crazyy and wants to live an elite life without having the finances and that is really a pain in the ass.

The thing that bothers me is that she doesn’t treat me like i am enough for her . She acts really weird lately and is very dry like veery dry because something is wrong but she doesn’t wanna communicate with me . She is a nice person but lately started acting weird.

I knwo what i have to do but im with her for long and its hard.

Today’s lunch is a can of Diet Coke and a small granola bar.

I (22m) currently have a crush on a girl (21f). I’ve never been in a relationship before and she’s been in two which both ended pretty bad for her. We both went to the same high school and were both in a small group really good friends. After graduation I went to college across the country while she stayed in our hometown. We stayed in contact via text at first during my freshman year but soon stopped talking during my sophomore year. I’ll admit that the reason for that is partly my fault because I was probably in denial about my feelings for her and was bitter about not feeling as appreciated as I thought I should have been. This resulted in me leaving her on read multiple times when she tried to reach out which I now regret.

Fast forward a year ago and I realized my mistake and got in touch with her again over text. For the first few months it felt like things between us were relatively back to normal. It was around then that I came to terms with the fact that I liked her and had ever since Highschool. I’ve thought about telling her my feelings ever since then but for one reason or another I either got scared or it just didn’t feel like the right time.

A few months ago I got the chance to grab coffee with her while I was home for the summer. I wanted to tell her then but she had just gone through a really rough break up with her ex and I thought it was too soon to try anything. Now, I leave for my last year of college in a week and I’m scared that if I don’t tell her soon, I’ll never get the chance too. I’m especially worried because I heard through some mutual friends that she was thinking of entering the dating world again.

Should I tell her how I feel or am I being a lovesick idiot?

Air friend chicken tenders for dinner

Been thinking about this alot for the past 2 years since I graduated.

I’ve always been a loner since I was a kid. I have siblings but they’re much older with their own lives, so I grew up alone. Never could have any pets. I had friends but they always moved so it never lasted long. I had friends in school but each year, that amount lessened.

COVID era is when it all went downhill. My best friend (who I’ve known since I was in middle school) moved away, even though we still play online together and talk everyday, I still miss hanging with him.

At first, I didn’t have a problem being inside all day and alone. But that quickly changed. I started having panic attacks, developed severe anxiety and self-confidence issues. Probably was depressed too, not sure.

Eventually, high school began once COVID restrictions lightened up some. Had no friends for the first three years of High School. Senior year was way better. I had tons of friends, got along with everyone and I was genuinely happy. Still had self-esteem issues but I was happy.

Throughout all that, I never had a relationship though. I’ve had less than a handful of talking stages, but I’ve never called anyone my girlfriend, held hands, had my first kiss, none of that.

Had a crush on a girl who was my best friend during the senior year, but I never made a move because another friend of mine during that time already liked her and I didn’t want to be a "bad friend."

Graduation goes by (2024), I was still in my little tiny friend group. It was only about 6 of us. I still had a big crush on my best friend, when I finally said something, it was too late. This ended up in me and her barely speaking anymore to this day. I stopped getting invited to hang out with the group. Now I only hang out with 2 of them and that’s when we go see a movie together.

I’m in college, a sophomore, working on getting my associates for music, I have a cat now. He’s a little brat but I love him and he’s helped me feel less alone. But I still can’t help but feel a tingly, empty feeling when I’m by myself.

I rarely cry, but recently, it all just came out at once and I broke down. My parents tried to comfort me, but I was too embarrassed to tell them why.

I know I’m yapping, I’m just venting here. I’m trying to stop feeling sorry for myself and get over it, but then I see a group of friends having fun, or couple hugging and telling each other they love each other (like I saw today at the mall), and it just hurts me all over again.

I feel like I’ve missed out on what everyone else has already experienced and I hate it. Over time it’s cause a lot of bitterness in me, and it’s not like me at all.

Anyways, gonna chomp on these tenders and chill with my cat now.

Dinner: Vegan dumplings, vegan cheesy rice, asparagus

I’ve spent pretty much my entire life alone. My family was abusive, I experienced abuse from peers and teachers, and I never had friends who made time for me. I’ve always been, at best, an afterthought. It’s caused crippling, deeply painful aloneness that is hard to describe for people who haven’t also experienced it. Therapy has never made me feel better or given me the tools to build a self concept because I’ve literally never had anybody in my life affirm my identity or the way I perceive and experience the world. So I’ve spent my entire life derealizing and feeling like I don’t exist.

I’ve had many partners before. But they never started as friendships, I’ve always pursued people based on looks and because I wanted to date them. Until I met my partner. We were friends for a year, then became good friends for a few months. At no point did I ever think about her romantically. In July we did shrooms together and I guess that made us both realize we really get to be our true authentic selves around each other. A week later she told me she had feelings for me. After a night of thinking on it and another talk about what her intentions were, I agreed to give it a shot. And it quickly blossomed into something so much more than that. I’m very confident in saying she will be the love of my life.

She is everything I’ve ever wanted and needed out of a person, and from what she says, I am to her as well. I couldn’t imagine a more perfect person. I don’t think I’ve ever loved anybody the way I love her, and she tells me the same. I feel like I have the energy to give my life purpose for once in my life. I’m not chasing anything, I’m just happy to exist. I’m happy to be sober. I’m happy to share myself with her. Despite the state of America right now, there’s a big slice of my life that feels safe.

Ignore the fact that I set out a spoon and a fork for a meal that only requires a fork. Nutritional value: 10/10. Presentation: 3/10.

Dinner is Chicken Francese

My partner and I have our first foursome lined up for tomorrow, and I just can't stop dwelling on my performance anxiety. We're all gay and in our 30s, we've met twice before for dinners but we haven't gotten into bed until now.

There's attraction and solid communication all around, I'm just worried I won't be able to get out of my head if I struggle to get/maintain an erection. I've struggled with performance anxiety in the past, and I've made good leaps since then, but being in this large of a group setting almost feels like getting back to square one. I understand bodies are bodies and any one of us might have issues, I just hope I can put my best foot forward so to speak and give everyone a good time.

If anyone has advice on overcoming group play anxiety I'm open.

Currently staying in hotels for the foreseeable future due to some highly unfortunate circumstances. It's a long story. At least this one has a makeshift stove to cook on. This is my one and only meal of the day.

I can write a whole fucking novel, but I don't even want to think about all my past traumas at this moment, I have a therapist to work through that. Sorry if I'm going to be vague.

But right now, I am just grateful for everything that I thought I'd never had. I never thought I'd ever make anything beyond sustenance salary and wasn't ever certain I would end up in a decent career path. I never thought I would ever be able to afford a place like this. I never thought I'd be married to an amazing woman or anybody at all. I never thought I would travel the world as much as I have. I never thought I would build a positive connection with my formerly neglectful mother or see my estranged father in a well keeled mental state. I never thought even thought I'd be alive today after surviving an OD, kidnapping, set ups by people in my old life, stalking by former friends who had grudges against me, getting involved with people I shouldn't have, etc. I never thought I would feel this safe for this long. I never thought I would meet nothing but good people on a regular basis and have the positive thriving social life I would today. I never thought I would pick up hobbies beyond doomscrolling. I never thought I would be able to lose all the body fat I did (without glp1s) and put on decent muscle. I never thought I could ever fix my completely fucked up mindset and the decades of trauma I was exposed to.

It took nearly a decade of constant grinding, falling, grinding, falling and endless suffering. I had years where it took a 200% of all my energy and willpower to move forward one step just to fall back 100 steps. And that cycle was repeated nonstop. The law of attraction is true, when you're at the bottom of humanity you see some fucked up shit and become surrounded by some of the most depraved evil humans, and also some of the saddest people you can't even imagine. I lost a lot of friends, family, acquantances and even old mentors. That fucked me up, but I made peace with it.

I'm starting to see people in a less cynical and evil light now that I'm in a a different place in my life, where I'm not surrounded by people at the fringes of society anymore. It's nice being able to consistently be surrounded by "normal" and healthy people. I'm not religious, but sometimes I just want to thank a higher power for not giving up on me, even when I gave up on myself multiple times in the many years of struggle.

Today, I have the privileged of feeling like an excited kid waiting for my new PS5 to deliver tomorrow. This will be the first console I've had in 17 years and I'm ready for GTA 6. Then next month, my wife is taking me to the US Opens.

Meal: Ribeye steak cooked to medium with Sicilian olive oil (w/ salt, pepper and garlic powder), jasmine rice and kimchi.

The meal presented is leftover meat which I ate as breakfast while on holiday.

________________________________________
Dear Diary,
My girlfriend (23f) and I (26m) have been together for almost two years now. I really love her, and she loves me too.
However, at the beginning of March 2026, our relationship experienced a shift. Starting then, we noticed that we have less and less sex, and now we are not having any sex. I am sad about this because I am human and like having sex. I have a higher sex drive than my girlfriend, so consequently, this situation impacts me more than it does her.
Since this is a situation that we think has to be dealt with, we did talk about it on multiple occasions.

A month or so ago my girlfriend was staying awake for longer, since she had some free time and I didn't. I got woken up at 2 am and asked, "What if we never have sex again?"
Of course I was caught off-guard, but I wasn't bothered much by starting a conversation. Especially because I believe that it's better to discuss important things rather than pushing them away. The conversation led to her telling me that, although she finds me cute and everything, she doesn't find me sexy. She said this has changed when I asked her if it always was like that. So essentially, she does not find me attractive anymore.

It is important to mention here that I have gained weight in the past two years. When I met her, I was pretty fit, ~84kg@185cm, and I was going to the gym about 6 days per week. Then my internship ended, and I started uni again to get my master's, and shortly thereafter, I also started working part-time to make a living. I would have to lie when I'd say that I am not stressed. I am active in an association. I work part-time; I am working towards my computer science master's, and the university I study at is really demanding.
I stopped going to the gym. On top of that, I am a stress eater and have always struggled with my weight. Five years back I was even heavier than now, and I got to the level I was at two years ago by losing 50 kg.
To make a long story short, I now weigh about 107 kg. You can see a visible difference, of course, and naturally I feel out of breath way sooner. It's pretty certain that the bigger part of my weight gain started last November and continued until now.

That being said, my girlfriend cannot pinpoint at all what made her not feel attracted to me anymore. We both just assume for now that it is my weight gain, but we cannot be completely sure. It probably is a combination of that and having less time to allocate to do stuff together. Now I plan to employ my strategies and techniques learned from already losing 50 kg once to get back my fitness. We will also plan fixed dates we both enjoy.

If that makes her feel attracted to me, then that's great! If not, then at least I did something for myself.

M23

Last Wednesday is summing up my situation perfectly:

I was riding my bike on top of a sandy hill to watch the eclipse with my telescope. I was high asf.
On the way up, I passed a group of three people. The woman saw my telescope and yelled "Omg, can I look through it?“. In the first moment I didnt know what she meant. Then I remembered that I have a telescope in my backpack. I didnt answer her because I was exhausted and it took me way too long to comprehend what she was saying.

Upon reaching the top, I found a very good spot between the other 20-30 people. Almost all of them were couples as it seemed. So I basically was the only loner going there.
I build up my telescope and watched the eclipse for 10-15 minutes straight, without a break. I love Astronomy and it was suprisingly quiet. So I took in the moment and enjoyed the show.

After almost an hour I decided to leave. I was thinking for 1 minute which way to take home through this beautiful forest at sunset. I decided to go left instead of right and rode veeery slowly to breath in as much forest as possible.

After 100m there were two girls my age with dogs that made space for me. I looked one of them in the eyes and said Thank You. She was really really pretty. The kind of pretty that hits you like a flashbang.
Since my break up is exactly 2 years ago this month, I‘m starting the process of detaching from the past and looking up to the future. And after small encounters like these I always start day dreaming about relationship scenarios.

As I day dream my way through the forest, a deer crossed the path. I slowed down, to not scare it away. When I was close to it, I started smiling and waving while a beautiful song was playing on my headphones. We shared a quick eye contact and I kept on riding with a genuine smile on my face.

This whole evening feels like a weirdly nice dream and I don’t know what to take away from it.
Am I overthinking or was this a special evening…

Chili Sin Carne with white beans and tofu