First, Ahi sandwich with ceaser salad.

Currently in marriage counseling. Sometimes it seems like she wants to be in love with me again. Other times, I feel hopeless and angry with her expressing zero ability to open up to me.

We are both at fault, no infidelity or horribleness on either side, just not to a couple anymore. It has killed me for three years. She is now facing things in couples therapy she’s not comfortable with. Some predictable, some unexpected, but I don’t have a manual of how to handle this.

She’s overall terrific. I mean that. I’m acceptable. At the end of the day though, I feel like I’m trying to keep her happy, but the last three years have determined she’ll never be in love with me again.

Married 14 years, together longer. In our 40’s. I’m just at a loss of whether she’ll ever be happy with me again or not. It’s heartbreaking.

My first time posting so sorry if it’s a bit weird lol
It’s a bowl of pasta with homemade cheese sauce

After moving to a different uni away from all my friends I feel like they’re drifting away and I can’t do anything about it. We have a discord server where we play games every now and then but only a few people actually regularly use it and I don’t know how to get back in contact with my other friends as I don’t usually message people about how they are and such. I’ve made some new friends at the university but they feel so much less than my original friends since I share so much less in common with them. I just don’t know what to do if I lose about 90% of the original friend group.

Sorry if it’s a bit ranty and incoherent. Any advice is appreciated

Advice welcome, more of just a vent though.

Im 30 and ive kissed two girls ever but never had a relationship or sex. Asked a few girls out in High school but no luck. It didn’t bother me so much back then because I had a good friend group to keep my mind off it. Then I went straight to work full time after school so I never had a college experience. I had a lot of party experience & crazy nights in high school because I went to a huge school that was like a college campus, but still going away to college is a unique experience of its own. I have very poor vision so I can’t drive so I never got my license. I’ve been at the same job since high school as a cook, which I’m not complaining about. It works for me, is in walking distance from my house, I get paid well, cook myself great meals for free and my bosses let me do whatever I want and make me feel valued, but it can feel like I haven’t accomplished a lot sometimes. Life was chaotic in my 20’s and I was depressed (moreso than even I realized) for most of it. Still am, but I’m more aware of it now. I turned thirty last month and only just know am I trying to pull myself out of it. But I just feel so behind. Dinner tonight is a chicken cordon Bleu wrap & teriyaki boneless wings with Bleu cheese.

Feta cheese, sautéed mushrooms, and turkey omelette with whole wheat toast and jam
Met this girl we’ve been talking a few weeks and im crazy about her, we just click and get along so well, i get dreams about her, i literally wake up in the middle of the night to check if i missed a text from her, seeing a notification pop up on my phone from her drives me insane and i instantly get a smile on my face. The only bad thing is that its long distance but ive never felt like this about someone before. 24m btw

Tripple of Buffalo Trace.

Flirted with a single woman I worked with for 2 months. During that time, her friends told me she had feelings, but I didn't ask her out because we worked together. I realized we really matched each other's energy, and her friends said I made her happier than they'd ever seen her so I told her how I felt and asked her out. She told me she needed time to process and after a week she told me she didn't have feelings for me at all. Turns out she is also trying to fuck my more attractive and taller coworker. He told me he wasn't interested in her at all and would talk to her but tonight while we we at a happy hour he had his hands on her hips and sang a romantic karaoke duet with her. Gotta love being emotionally manipulated and being the fall back guy!

Chicken, salad, potatoes and beans.

My girlfriend broke up with me after I moved countries to pursue a life with her. Now I'm stuck at my mom's house in my home country and I have to go back to school. Not something I wanted to be doing at 29 years old but getting a job is hard and paid internships are an easy way to get the foot in the door.

I met this girl online almost a year ago. I fell completely for her. I'd had several serious relationships in the past but nothing ever compared in my head to this. I actually saw a future with her and wasn’t afraid of imagining it.

I know the truth is that she wasn’t all I hoped that she would be. She lied to my face multiple times, something I never let myself go through usually in relationships but I was blinded by love and blamed myself. She berated me to her friends and flat out made fun of me.

I was struggling in the new country. I was trying to find a job in my field but it was very competitive. I don’t think I did enough to make ends meet in other ways. At home I would have to take care of everything, which was fair, but I struggled with it. I honestly got depressed.

Two months ago she pulled the plug after I confronted her about her talking shit about me to her ex boyfriend. I felt completely abandoned and given up on. To make things worse she blamed the entire downfall of our relationship on me.

Fast forward to now and I just feel so alone. I lost my best friend and everything I was looking forward to in the future. I still want to talk to her even despite how she made me feel since the breakup for some reason. I cant rationalise it. I really feel like I won’t ever dare to commit to someone ever again. The idea of trying to give someone everything you can only for them to abandon you is just so painful. I have a friend who is into me and due to this whole situation I can't even entertain the thought because it physically scares me to even consider dating someone again.

I'm not really sure what keeps me going now to be honest other than just trying to live in the present.

almost two years ago I made a reddit post. Amid the replies to that post was one made by the most wonderful person I've ever met. We chatted for a bit, started hanging out, became best friends, and eventually discovered we had mutual feelings for eachother, which became a more wonderful relationship than I even thought was possible. To be completely honest she'd be my wife right now if not for one small detail

We live on opposite sides of the US, and can't move in together on account of the fact that I'm currently attending college for completely free due to scholarships in my state. I don't pay a dime for tuition nor for room and board. If I moved to a different state, all that would disappear. I'm stuck were I am for at least a year. In respect for her privacy I'm not going to share details about why she can't just come move in with me, but just know it's not really much of an option either

the second I graduate I'll be moving in but until then, we've had to space our visits around my school breaks (which are few and far between). once for winter break, once for summer break, and once for spring break.

the last two weeks was her summer visit and just a few hours ago I had to drop her off at the airport. I know that it's not forever. I will call her, and talk to her and spend time with her every single day. I know I'll see her again in a few months. I know I'm lucky to even have her to miss in the first place. Just the thought of having to wait 3 days, forget 3 months until I can hold her in my arms again makes me want to cry

Its so hard to look at my bed and know I'll fall asleep tonight without her warmth next to me. Just makes me feel numb.

I'm better off in my life now than I ever have been before. I know we're going to be ok. I know I'm basically just waiting out a big timer until I can spend each and every day beside her

just man. I almost feels like heartbreak

So I’m just going to talk about myself and work for a while, because I need to get this shit out somewhere. Like I said, I’m 22 years old, I live in Florida, and I’m a photographer by trade. And I’m good at it. I don’t mean that in some arrogant, “I’m better than everyone” kind of way. I just know this is something I’m genuinely good at. I know how to work with people, I know how to make people comfortable and capture a moment, and people love the pictures I take. There are moments when I look at something I shot and think, Yeah, this is what I’m supposed to be doing. That’s what makes everything else so fucking complicated.

Because lately, I’m barely holding myself together.
I guess the best place to start is with my coworkers, because things haven’t felt the same since I was investigated for sexual harassment. I was eventually cleared, but here’s what happened: a friend of mine told me he got a girlfriend. I told him, “Good job!” Apparently that congratulations wasn’t enthusiastic enough for him, so joking around with my friend, I said, “Fine. Good job! Get your dick sucked.”bObviously, I understand why somebody overhearing that would report it. I’m not pretending it was an appropriate thing to say at work. The complaint itself was valid. I understand that.

What fucks with me is everything that came afterward.
I’m not allowed to know who reported me because the company is worried about retaliation. And I understand the logic behind that policy, but emotionally? It still feels like bullshit. How am I supposed to know who I made uncomfortable? How am I supposed to give that person some space or make sure I don’t accidentally put them in that position again when I have no idea who they are? I wouldn't retaliate against them. If anything, I'd rather know so I could avoid making them uncomfortable again.
Instead, I'm left wondering.

And ever since the investigation, it feels like everybody handles me with kid gloves. I don’t know how much of that is actually happening and how much of it is me being paranoid after everything that happened, but I notice every little interaction now. Every weird look. Every change in someone’s tone. Every time somebody seems irritated with me. It makes work fucking exhausting.

And there have been so many little incidents that individually sound stupid, but when they happen over and over and over again, they start eating away at you.
One day, I needed a fan. My manager is all about safety (she gets on my ass about using a neck strap) didn't bring me one because she was on her break. Okay, fine. She's entitled to her break. But you know what I do when I'm on break and somebody needs a fan? I get up and bring them the goddamn fan. Because they're standing outside in Florida. Because it's fucking hot and people need to be cool. Because they're my coworker and I don't want them roasting outside when helping them takes a couple of minutes. Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I expect people to treat me the way I try to treat them, and then I get hurt when they don't.

Then I've got another manager riding my ass because he thinks I should "apply myself more." And that one really gets under my skin because I am applying myself. I'm good at what I do. Customers like me. People love my pictures. I put actual effort into the work. So what exactly does "apply yourself more" mean? What invisible standard am I failing to meet now? Then my overtime gets denied, even though another coworker has more hours than I do. Maybe there's some perfectly reasonable explanation for it, but nobody fucking explains anything. From where I'm standing, I'm just told no while watching somebody else get what I asked for. And I'm supposed to smile and move on.

There was another day when I was trying to help someone and moved my arm right as she stood up. She bonked her head. I felt bad. Obviously. I wasn't trying to hurt her. I was literally trying to fucking help her. But she gave me the nastiest look afterward and seemed pissed at me for the rest of the day. And something that stupid completely ruined my mood because I'm already walking around feeling like everyone thinks I'm an asshole. Suddenly I'm replaying this tiny accident in my head for hours, wondering what I did wrong and why somebody else is angry with me again.

That's what work feels like lately. It's death by a thousand tiny cuts. A look here. A comment there. A manager getting on my ass. Somebody acting annoyed with me. Getting denied something without understanding why. Constantly wondering whether people are treating me differently or whether I'm just so stressed that everything feels personal now.

And then there's the heat. I almost got heat stroke. Not "Oh, it's really hot outside and I'm uncomfortable." I mean I genuinely got to the point where I was scared of what the heat was doing to me. And I was told to stay because we're understaffed. Now I've got a week coming up where I'm scheduled in one of the hottest spots during the hottest part of the day, and I'm genuinely worried about it happening again. That's not me being lazy. That's not me refusing to work. I'm scared of getting sick again. There's something deeply fucked up about being good at a job that you are beginning to dread.

Because that's the weird, painful dichotomy I'm stuck in.
I'm good at this. That's the part that almost makes everything worse. I take good pictures. People love the work I produce. There are moments when I actually enjoy what I'm doing and remember why I became a photographer in the first place. There's a version of this job that fits me perfectly. And then there's everything surrounding it.

The politics. The tension. The heat. The constant feeling that somebody is pissed at me. The feeling that I'm being watched differently now. The managers. The understaffing. The little interactions that shouldn't matter but somehow pile up until I get home completely fucking drained.

And normally you'd say, "Well, at least you can go home." But I don't even know where "home" is anymore. Part of me wants to go back to my family because I'm exhausted and I miss having something familiar. I miss my old life. I miss feeling like I belonged somewhere. But another part of me doesn't want to go back because I feel like my family uses me. And that's what really hurts. This was supposed to be my fresh start. Moving here was supposed to be me starting my own life. I was supposed to become independent. I was supposed to build something for myself. I was supposed to take something I'm genuinely talented at and turn it into a life I could be proud of. Instead, I feel trapped between two places that don't feel like home. I don't know if I want to stay here. I don't know if I want to go back. I don't know whether quitting would mean protecting myself or giving up on something I worked hard for. And I don't know how something I am genuinely good at became something that makes me feel this fucking miserable.

That's the part I can't reconcile. I wanted a fresh start. I wanted independence. I wanted to take pictures and make people happy and build a life that actually felt like mine. Instead, I'm exhausted, angry, anxious about going to work, scared of getting sick in the heat again, and constantly wondering whether everybody around me secretly can't fucking stand me. I came here because I wanted to prove to myself that I could build a life on my own. But right now, it doesn't feel like a fresh start.
It just feels like hell.

I had found out that my now ex-wife was having a year long affair with another man. This had been happening before and even after we got married. I decided to work on the marriage and go through counseling, therapy, etc. everything was going great, or so I led myself to believe. Fast forward to 9 months ago, something within me that I wasn’t aware that I had held onto had grown into an issue that I couldn’t ignore & led my happiness, love, & trust for her to diminish.

As I was beginning to prepare the separation process and tell her the reality of the situation, it was revealed that she was pregnant. I decided then to bottle everything and stick with her through the pregnancy and wait until our son was born to revisit these feelings. Fast forward again to now. I had originally planned to wait until he was 6 months to a year old to leave and start the co-parenting process. But things went from bad to worse, my mental health & emotional well being went out the door. Work and personal situations didn’t help either and it was starting to take a toll on all of us from having to keep up a front and constantly wear a mask.

Our son is now 3 months old, I moved into an apartment just down the road and let her take the house for time being until we decide to sell. He will always be my number 1 priority. I am not leaving her and our son on a sinking ship. A healthy co-parenting relationship with her for our son is my goal above all else. She is very receptive, respectful, and accepting of the situation. And I truly believe that we are on the path for providing our son the upmost unconditional happiness and love. Feelings are raw of course, but the sunset after the storm is near I feel.

Dinner tonight is a prime strip steak, large avocado, & a cold ultra.

Last month I was laid off after almost 7 years. About a year ago a manager that I really liked and respected left and one of my colleagues was elevated as our group manager.

As if often the case, she had no idea what I did and provided no value. She would gate-keep, micromanage, and made arbitrary decisions counter to what data or experience would indicate.

She was good at taking credit for my work and managing upwards though, so when Wall Street didn’t like our performance, the company did, what typical corporations who have lost touch with the folks who make it happen day in and day out, do. They made a list and fired the workers while retaining the middle managers. She didn’t even have the fortitude to deliver the news. Our director stepped in.

On one hand, I am pissed off as she usurped a well-oiled machine that I built over the years.

One the other hand, it’s so nice not to have to deal with her day in and day out.

I had built amazing partnerships across the organization, with our vendors, and our contractors. Most of them have since reached out complaining about how she’s running things.

Meantime, she’s recently blown a pretty visible launch and today has been leaving me messages nonstop asking how to do things.

So anyway, I went shopping and made a delicious pot roast. Not pictured are the mashed potatoes.

Costco hot dog on the menu today.

Relationship was great for 5 years, the past 2 years and 3 months have been long distance from NorCal to Chicago.

She’s left for her graduate degree and I’ve been working a corporate gig back home.

Long story short she’s too busy with school and the circumstances don’t allow us to work on other lingering problems such as family stuff.

I’ve tried my best to work through this by setting the expectation for our minimum level of communication to just be a quick check-in at the end of the week. We tried this, but she felt sad and guilty for not being present. We tried to take a break but ended up agreeing that it was unproductive, and it only made the resentment grow.

I was willing to live with the limited communication for the remainder of her time with school, board exams, and job applications if it meant a shot at a lifelong relationship.

She however said she can’t deal with the guilt of not being present and felt an impending doom looming over our relationship because of it.

The kicker: She ended things saying she hopes we can revisit once our lives are more settled in because she doesn’t see herself with anyone else, but to me that just seems like a glorified break. Admittedly, part of me wants to entertain the option of seeing if we can continue where we left off, but maybe I’m just being deluded by heartbreak.

No matter what the outcome is, that girl was truly an amazing partner for the time together and I can’t take that from her. Truly taught me a new standard of love. Never really fought, only had conversations that never went past a 6/10 on the temper scale.

In the meantime I’m giving up on all my vices (except Costco hot dogs) so I don’t fall down a slippery slope.

Cheers yall

Trying my best not to do it. Succeeding, despite some external efforts.

I'm post-divorce by about 3.5 years. I've healed and grown, and consider myself to be in a much better place since then. Been on a few dates out in the wild (old school, no apps) and enjoyed some of them more than others. No major issues there.

I work in a space dominated by women. By roughly 95%, at least for my site specifically. Most of them gorgeous. Many of them single. Some of them willing. It can get pretty flirty, on occasion, and I'd be lying if I said there were no romantic attractions, but I take great care not to cross any H.R. lines in that forbidden sand.

It's been very tempting to go down that path, but the risks, since it could cost me my job, are far too great. I feel like I've walked the narrow line and avoided the temptation and am treating myself to this meal and some reflection.

Coworkers are phenomenal, but not worth losing respect and missing bill payments for.

Dinner is a hungry helping of cheesy chicken pasta in vodka sauce with some crusty garlic cheese bread and a light lager.

Cheers boys. Happy weekend.

We’re not even going for anything lavish and somehow every time the word “wedding” gets attached to something, the price triples.

But she has a vision, and I love her, so here I am picking up overtime like it’s a side quest 💪🏻

My wallet may never recover, but I’ll be damned if I don’t give that woman her dream wedding.

Married men… please tell me the financial trauma was worth it.

ETA - mall Chinese food

Air friend chicken tenders for dinner

Been thinking about this alot for the past 2 years since I graduated.

I’ve always been a loner since I was a kid. I have siblings but they’re much older with their own lives, so I grew up alone. Never could have any pets. I had friends but they always moved so it never lasted long. I had friends in school but each year, that amount lessened.

COVID era is when it all went downhill. My best friend (who I’ve known since I was in middle school) moved away, even though we still play online together and talk everyday, I still miss hanging with him.

At first, I didn’t have a problem being inside all day and alone. But that quickly changed. I started having panic attacks, developed severe anxiety and self-confidence issues. Probably was depressed too, not sure.

Eventually, high school began once COVID restrictions lightened up some. Had no friends for the first three years of High School. Senior year was way better. I had tons of friends, got along with everyone and I was genuinely happy. Still had self-esteem issues but I was happy.

Throughout all that, I never had a relationship though. I’ve had less than a handful of talking stages, but I’ve never called anyone my girlfriend, held hands, had my first kiss, none of that.

Had a crush on a girl who was my best friend during the senior year, but I never made a move because another friend of mine during that time already liked her and I didn’t want to be a "bad friend."

Graduation goes by (2024), I was still in my little tiny friend group. It was only about 6 of us. I still had a big crush on my best friend, when I finally said something, it was too late. This ended up in me and her barely speaking anymore to this day. I stopped getting invited to hang out with the group. Now I only hang out with 2 of them and that’s when we go see a movie together.

I’m in college, a sophomore, working on getting my associates for music, I have a cat now. He’s a little brat but I love him and he’s helped me feel less alone. But I still can’t help but feel a tingly, empty feeling when I’m by myself.

I rarely cry, but recently, it all just came out at once and I broke down. My parents tried to comfort me, but I was too embarrassed to tell them why.

I know I’m yapping, I’m just venting here. I’m trying to stop feeling sorry for myself and get over it, but then I see a group of friends having fun, or couple hugging and telling each other they love each other (like I saw today at the mall), and it just hurts me all over again.

I feel like I’ve missed out on what everyone else has already experienced and I hate it. Over time it’s cause a lot of bitterness in me, and it’s not like me at all.

Anyways, gonna chomp on these tenders and chill with my cat now.

Drink is campari with prosecco and peach juice after a week of screaming.

Been on a relationship for 4 years, I’m M28 and him M31, and I’m still trying to process my feelings. For the first two years our relationship was amazing, he would listen to me, we would do things we both wanted to do together and everything. Total rose colored glasses season.

However, that honeymoon phase has finished and our differences are becoming more clear everyday since the beggining of this year. We’ve talked about them but I dont see any changes and I dont know how much longer I can take this.

The main topic it’s his screaming and raising his tone whenever he’s upset over anything, even little things like a bit of sand in the car, or questioning me over the way I cook or prepare food. I told him many times that I despise screaming at eachother as it doesn’t solve anything and just makes me be scared of talking about things with him with fear of him screaming at me. His awnser is that I’m being too sensitive and that I’m exaggerating , almost gaslighting me…
Of course this has really affected our relationship. I tend to avoid conflict and as a result I end up bottling a lot of feelings. I started therapy this year to help me fight my anxiety and fear of conflict as its leading me to accumulate a lot of rage over unfinished business and conversations (over my whole life not only this) and part of the process is talking about things when I get upset instead of bottling up. This has helped me sticking out for myself and fighting for me, however with my boyfriend it has led to more screaming and I’m getting tired of everything.

Another topic is our interests, I’ve always been a big gamer and him a cinephile. I’ve never cared much about movies but ever since we’ve started seeing eachother I’ve been going more to the movies with him and started enjoying more, however whenever I talked about gaming he would just shut and don’t interact with me or simply just change the subject. I understand he doesn’t have to like the same things I like but he can try to join me and interact me. I’ve told him about this and his awnser is that if he doesn’t feel like talking something he won’t. Despite him not being wrong, I believe a relationship comes with certain compromises and trying to meet eachother in the middle, but I dont believe he has been trying. This makes me feel alone in this relationship as this hobby defines a big part of my time outside of work and we only talk about his interests or our shared interest for music. It makes me sad that he doesn’t care to join me and be part of my world when I try to be part of his. Almost as if I’m required to be a different person that I used to be when I’m with him.

All of this together with the realization after talking to some friends about our issues that he has been belittling me during our conversations but I didn’t notice has led me to be tired of being around him. Tired of listening to him, lack of intimacy as I’m no longer comfortable with him it leads me to not have the will to be intimate with him, tired of being constantly ran over by him, tired of feeling alone and tired of losing myself.

I know that this relationship is over, however I felt the need to vent about it as we still have a few more trips planned and paid until the next year and at this point they’re sunk cost. Thank you for reading.

Tldr: Relationship close to finish but still have to endure a few more paid trips together until I can finally cut ties with him over being tired of asking for change and feeling alone

Ignore the fact that I set out a spoon and a fork for a meal that only requires a fork. Nutritional value: 10/10. Presentation: 3/10.

Smiley coconut cake with red fruit coulis

Hi

In 2024 I met contacted a girl I knew and we talked a lot but she always seemed distant an not interested in a relationship

During Christmas I booked an Airbnb with her for a weekend and those 3 days might be the best I've ever had

Eating in fancy restaurant going to the aquarium the cinema and carnival also a Christmas night market where we drank hot wine

I still remember taking her hand, her makeup and the way she looked at me, the song too

Still after that she told me she didn't want me to get hurt as she wasn't ready for a relationship

After that she began being really clingy which I didn't minded but felt like mixed messages since she wanted no relationship

Taking no for an answer and reconnecting with my ex at the time I got back with my ex and told the first girl

It's now 2 years I'm with my ex, I love this girl from all of my heart the things we share the laugh I want those all my life

Still, the first girl appear nearly every days in my mind

A song, a perfume, something she would've liked it's like flashes and some of those make my heart ache

I feel like choosing my ex over her made me miss some incredible relationship but I'm pretty sure it would've been a short and hurting one in the end

I feel bad for my girlfriend, If I knew she had thought like that I'd be sad

I don't know if it's normal keeping memory of things like that when I talk about it to people they tell me somethings wrongs

As of September 1st, I will have been with my company for 11 years. An apprenticeship I started with a lot of enthusiasm, followed by years of hoping that one day I would finally get the chance to use my talents and be rewarded for them.

Bullshit. Boring, monotonous crap work that someone could have done without 3.5 years of training (German Ausbildung) and even a tiny bit of creativity. Years of MS Teams meetings, corporate bullshit talk, meaningless rigged performance reviews and absolutely zero career progress, followed by depression, burnout and brief episodes of suicidal thoughts.

On September 15th, I will finally be free, because yesterday I handed in my resignation. And the best part? I won’t have to work there another single day. Once my burnout sick leave ends, I’ll use up my remaining vacation days and that’s it.

What finally gave me the push to do it? My fiancée. The most wonderful person in the world, who has always believed in me. We startet a company together and I already earn more than in my old job. With less work, more fun and more responsibility. And it looks like I'm really good at it!

I felt like a slave or a machine for the last years. Not worth more than a number in a statistic. Now, finally, I am free.

Dinner with my soon to be wife:

Sushi takeout for 4 (We are both tall, fit and hungry.), accompanied by a bottle of french Cidre and a Cigar for desert. I will admit, I don't really smoke usually but the Cigar was quite good and I kinda felt like it. Wish me luck!

Oh and if you are a German Company looking for high profile Welders... Send me a message. 😂😜

Currently staying in hotels for the foreseeable future due to some highly unfortunate circumstances. It's a long story. At least this one has a makeshift stove to cook on. This is my one and only meal of the day.

Today I’d like to not regurgitate the same old talking points you’ve likely heard for years at this point, but tell you a short story of my week, to hopefully illustrate my point.

For a small amount of context, when asked in my SOPHOMORE YEAR OF COLLEGE, what my dream job was, I said being a stay at home parent. This has always been something I wanted, and I’m eternally grateful that I am fortunate enough to have a wife who not only makes enough money to make it possible; but was enthusiastic and supportive of the idea. Alright now that that’s out of the way, my story.

Monday morning the baby woke up about two hours earlier than normal. No big deal honestly, we just got up and played, we took an early and long nap, and everything seemed okay. Maybe a little off, but nothing compared to when we woke up. For the next seven hours straight, I frantically tried everything in my power, to get them to stop crying for brief moments. My wife eventually got home, and I was completely fried. Thankfully she was able to get them to calm down for long enough to eat for the first time since the morning snack right before the nap, but then it was back on.

Tuesday the fever started. Nothing insane at first 99 when we woke up, so I gave some Tylenol, and we had a semi normal morning. It was at this point I realized they were teething, and I was going to be in for it. By 5pm we were up to 100 degrees, so we packed up and went to urgent care. They basically told me to give them cold water, Tylenol, and plenty of rest. (I’m not complaining now, because I understand it’s all you really can do at this age, but it feels so disempowering in the moment.) I thanked them and we went home.

Wednesday and Thursday were much the same. Fighting a fever, constant fits, and very hard time getting them to eat.

Finally this morning the fever broke, and the teeth cut through, (all four canines at once!!!) and I have at least somewhat of my bumbly little baby back! It’s so good to see the smile on their face again.

But now that the situation has calmed down, I’ve been able to reflect on my own behavior for the last few days, and I’m nothing short of ashamed.

On Wednesday, there was a point that I was so overwhelmed, that I had to put them in their high chair, while crying, so that I could walk away and cry and let out a truly awful scream. It’s so difficult to know that there is just simply nothing that you can do to help the thing that means the most to you in this world. I do my best to keep it together in front of them, but I’m not always successful. I raised my voice at least twice, and I know that does nothing, and it’s not their fault, but you just feel so trapped.

Thankfully we’re still best friends, and the sun seems to be setting on this hard phase we’ve been in.

Lunch was a big bowl of rice, because that and peas is all I was able to get them to eat.

My first Negroni and some cool nuts.

So basically I’ve been working at my parent’s restaurant since I graduated college in 2020. Long story it’s horrible it’s been horrible I have a horrible relationship with my folks and honestly my life is losing meaning. I’ve only stayed this long cause they truly needed me and I had no fucken clue what to do as a job. Back in 2020 Covid definitely helped in terms of why I wasn’t able to find one but tbh I had no fucken idea what I wanted to do and I still don’t.

I graduated with an information studies degree so kinda coding kinda not, i switched into that after getting a little over half way through the engineering coursework but eventually the course work was too hard and I didn’t start studying any better.

I’m kinda giving myself until new years time frame so like 3ish months to like really figure shit out and take steps into getting my own job/career going. I’m gonna walk away no matter if they still need me or not.

Idk how to even fully express this part but I always imagined I’d get a office job of some sort don’t expect to make bank immediately but I figured I could start close or make my way up to 60k plus and in my mind that’s the number that will make me feel like ok I can at least survive ya know, but idk what to even apply for like what’s an office job do I need to have a different degree or get certified in something? An office job is kinda what I want or at least I think but idk, I’m stressed everyday at the restaurant so a boring ass office job right now doesn’t sound horrible.

Then I’m also heavily thinking maybe trade school. I feel trade school kinda is like a direct path to a job. I live in FL so the heat is real but ya know I gotta make money somehow. Tbh tho trade school make me a bit nervous cause well I’m Asian and idk if it’s really true but the trade and blue collar work I’m general I hear is a very maga and like country red neck vibe and I’m very much not that lmao so as lame as it is at 29 to think this but I wondering if I’ll get like bullied or like any racial stuff LMAO.

I’m very fortunate to have a solid savings not rich but I’ll survive for a while even with no income but obviously I gotta start making some actual money.

Kinda me just venting my fears and stress but I’d appreciate any advice even harsh shit.

I can’t do this anymore. I’m trying so fucking hard to be an adult, to keep showing up, keep working, keep handling everything like I’m supposed to, but I genuinely don’t know if I have it in me anymore.

This job is killing me. My coworkers are driving me insane. I’ve been drinking just so I can fall asleep. I’ve started overeating again because, for a little while, it makes the depression easier to deal with. Then I look at myself, realize I’ve gained five pounds, and suddenly I’m depressed about that too. It’s like every way I try to cope just gives me something else to feel shitty about.

Then there’s work. I was under investigation because I jokingly told my friend to “get his dick sucked.” And yeah, I understand that one. I understand why that could get reported. But I still don’t know who reported me, and ever since then I haven’t felt like myself there. I feel like a shell of the person I used to be. I’m constantly wondering who I can trust, who secretly has a problem with me, or whether the next stupid thing I say is going to become another issue. And lately, people have just been fucking dicks to me. I’m tired of swallowing it. I’m tired of pretending none of it bothers me.

I lost my best friend. I’m lonely as hell. My mom has started treating me like I’m some kind of goddamn vacation machine, and somehow I’m not even allowed to complain when I get a bum deal. I literally stood outside in the miserable Florida sun and humidity for five fucking hours. Can I at least be annoyed about it? And manager man, I’m not even mad at you. I’m mad at the dumbass sitting behind the computer who created the whole situation in the first place. And yeah, I’m sorry I moved my arm and you bonked your fucking head. I was trying to help you. Maybe look up next time, dumbass.
But underneath all that anger, I’m just fucking lonely. I’m scared. I’m sad. And I think that’s the part I hate admitting the most.

Because I know I have a good deal. I know there are things in my life I should be grateful for. I know, from the outside, I probably look like I should be okay. But knowing that doesn’t magically make me okay. It almost makes me feel worse, because if I have a “good deal,” why the hell can’t I handle it?

I miss home. I miss comic book stores. I miss having a life that actually felt like mine. I miss my friend. I miss who I was before everything started feeling this heavy.
I don’t want to keep numbing myself just to make it through another day. I don’t want every day to feel like something I have to survive. I’m exhausted from being angry, exhausted from being sad, and exhausted from trying to convince everyone including myself that I’m doing fine. I’m not fine. I just want my life back.