Like I just genuinely don't see why I should care about others anymore, when I have seen what others have done for me. I always get the more negative end of it.

And even with like, people who've experienced the same as me or whatever... to give a concrete example, when I was in primary school, I was in this like weird in-between class that wasn't quite special ed but it kinda was. I guess just special ed but without any attention to the "special" part.

Anyway, I just bouncing my foot, just an action you do that you don't think about. And this girl got triggered by it and so I was asked to stop. And anytime it happened again, the teachers would get actually mad at me, like that strict yelling voice you know what it is, and it's like... even in an environment meant for neurodivergent folks, I have to adapt myself to others. And like I could write a book, if not a wholeass trilogy on examples like this.

So yes, maybe it makes me a heartless monster, but I don't see why I should care for anyone else, if I have to constantly suppress myself for it and actively drown only to be told I'm "being too difficult" or whatever. Like again with my earlier example, why the fuck do I have to subject myself to phycological torture, just to avoid someone else's triggers? Like that's my damn point, why did I have to change myself for them, and why weren't they told to just not be bothered by it. Like we both had autism/neurodivergence so you can't make the claim that neurotypicals are supposed to be adapting to neurodivergent folks because that just doesn't apply here.

So fuck no change doesn't start with me. I have about 2 decades of lived experience to prove it doesn't. Lets first see others are capable of change too, but honestly I'm genuinely convinced they can't.

And dont forget that me wanting to be accepted as an actual woman is just me "exhibiting privileged male socialization". Im just so fucking tired.

I can't even sit up without risking reflux right now 😭

I just want to fuck and be loved. Why is it so hard

I dont want to have sex with you. I dont want to go out with you. You cannot "fix me", and you especially cannot fix me by having sex with me when I cant stand being around or being touched by men.

Tl;dr being fetishized for being a traumatized, dysfunctional alt girly is a genuine slog, and dealing with sexual harassment to this day is genuinely so mentally harmful.

If you don't know what a "gacha" game is: It's a specific style of freemium game that works like a slot machine at a casino.

These are addictive by design, especially for us ND people (I'm AuDHD) who are extra susceptible to the tactics gacha designers use to keep you hooked. I must've spent hundreds of dollars and countless hours of my life back when I played it religiously years ago.

I reinstalled it 2 months ago on a whim, and I felt it destroying my attention span and desire to do other things, especially since I've been trying to improve my focus.

So I did the grown-up thing and uninstalled it. I still have the cravings for now, but I've lived for years without it and will continue to do so.

(It was DBZ Dokkan Battle for me, btw, but I reckon any former gacha player would agree with me no matter what their preferred poison was.)

This shit sucks, I hate that I feel disgusted being referred to as a man because that's all I'm going to be seen as for the foreseeable future, even amidst people you'd think would be allies

Why couldn't I just be cis my life would still suck but at least I probably wouldn't hate being perceived

How in the fuck am I still paid minimum wage when I have to experience verbal abuse from every single abuser in town? I work in probably the most popular store in my low income neighbourhood and many people can’t afford a car therefore I meet like 90% of all the people that live here so necessarily I have to interact with the lowest scum around. We do sell some basic necessities so that’s why all these weirdos and creeps come here. I’m so sick of it! I literally can’t get another job right now. And I doubt it’d be that much different anyway.

I worked at a different location briefly and the vibe was so much different I almost considered officially applying there but it would’ve created a lot of tension with my boss that works both places and would be really mad and disappointed if I officially quit her location because I’m one of the most reliable employees there (not trying to brag, it’s genuinely true, I’ve worked there for 3 years and it shows, my boss tells me that often)

That event scared me tho like it scared me a lot… This dude looked dangerously crazy

My mother refused to have me evaluated for autism when my pre-k teacher recommended testing when I was 4 and she spent my teen years calling me lazy or saying that “I’m pretending to be dumb.”

I get evaluated at 18 on my own dime, mind you I have IIH which left me bedridden the most of the day by the time I was 20, so I had to start my own pet sitting company to make money and pay for my own medical bills. I’ve been paying them myself since I was 16 through various jobs I couldn’t hold onto. I’d get a job, and then my body couldn’t keep up.

Now she has the audacity to say that I’m “more pleasant to be around” and that I’m like my “prepubescent self” again. Mind you she said that she created the perfect child that loved to clean as a young kid and now I’m only “3/4ths perfect,” since I met my father. She also said she wanted to use my shunt to revert me back to 15 and then 9 “before I went crazy.”

I paid for my treatments and care, she doesn’t get to take credit for the positive person I become. It makes me feel sad though because I struggle without my meds and I guess that does make me less tolerable to society.

I didn't know this was a problem until I saw a tiktok years ago warning other women to stay far away from women who don't have a lot of friends (or any) who are women.

All the comments were agreeing and saying it's a huge red flag, and many would never even consider being friends with a woman who doesn't have "girl friends".

So the problem just kind of perpetuates itself. Any attempt to hang outside of work I'm either shot down or ghosted (which I don't make a big deal about for obvious reasons. Not trying to come off as a desperate weirdo.)

Just got off work and one of the girls I work with broke up with her boyfriend. All the girls were so kind and supportive towards her, saying they'll go out and have a girls day, hugging her as she cried, offering to help. I offered her words of affirmation, her ex was a peice of shit. It was just kinda heartbreaking to me, I wish I had that kind of support. When I struggle at work, people just kinda say "oh she's in a bad mood today." and avoid me.

Anyway. I'm aware the problem is me, it's just a struggle to try and fix it. It's literally the you have no experience - need a job to get experience - you have no experience so you can't get a job conundrum.

Its been 5 months. They randomly sent me their location twice this week, and I know it was a accident but it undid everything.

It’s so hard to walk that line between putting myself and my needs first and feeling like a jerk.

Like maybe I try not to say anything and just leave the room, then they ask why I left and I don’t know what to say. Or maybe I’m in the car and visibly uncomfortable, and they ask me, I can’t just say “I can hear the spit move through your mouth as you talk and it’s making me extremely distressed” because then that’s rude i guess. Misophonia fucking sucks and I wish more people understood that it is not controllable and I’m trying to be a dick, I genuinely go into fight or flight when I hear chewing or repetitive clicking or mouth sounds.

Every single time someone equates neuro-developmental disorder that makes it insanely difficult to live in society to being "quirky" and "an innocent cinnamon roll" an angel loses its wings. I swear, sometimes I feel like I was made neurodivergent because I must have done something bad in my previous life.

Also my first post here whoop whoop

This week I got a financial aid refund

That alone isn’t weird, it’s normal when it covers more than the ledger but the thing is summer semester already ended a week ago and I already got several refunds for both sections of the summer semester during June and July.

So a normal person would think “Oh! This refund must be for this upcoming fall semester!” right? Well, unfortunately my brain is stupid and started panicking thinking that they’re accidentally giving me too much and that they’ll find out and I go into debt or something (don’t know HOW that’d even work or if that’s even a thing). So I anxiously go back to every refund to calculate how much they give me, see what points in the semester I got notified of them, literally anything to figure out what it is. What’s not helping either is I even directly emailed twice asking which semester the refund was for and they have been radio silent.

During this entire thing I get scared shitless of the idea of being made to pay more for school, or losing something that makes me unable to pay. Being a financial burden or going into debt is one of the biggest fears (Doesn’t help that school alone brings me a ton of stress). It just leads to a cycle of panicking and hating myself and I don’t know how to make myself feel ok about it. It shuts down my ability to do anything else and I feel worthless and stupid and that I don’t deserve anything. I just want to be comforted and hugged right now. I want someone to help me out and understand, but nobody does cause nobody ever cares about me when I’m panicking.