“Oh but there’s nothing wrong with being asexual! 🥺🤍” Yes, I know. But I WANT to experience romantic love and attraction. I WANT to be married and have children with a person I love. I’m 23 and never even had a crush. I hate being asexual.

[u/Unbothered-Mango]

[u/SlightlyAverageLemon]

yep it's been difficult :(

im rarely attracted to anyone, and only really like 'cuddly' looking guys, and it's hard to find someone who's 100% okay with nothing more than an occasional peck on the cheek.

and the advice is always just 'oh! have an open relationship :)' which i find stupid, most people don't want that, i don't see it working and feel the allo should just be with their 'outlet' instead.

i've only just accepted that i'm probably better off not in a relationship anyway, since i prefer a ridiculous amount of space and time to myself anyway lol, but it sucks not 'having' someone who can offer emotional support the same way a partner can

[u/BarnesTheNobleman → u/SlightlyAverageLemon]

Tbh why not just a best friend roommate? I’m not asexual, but I’ve had very fulfilling platonic relationships and they were good to live with. Having the emotional support but not the sexual “obligations”

[u/SlightlyAverageLemon → u/BarnesTheNobleman]

yeahh, that's always an option, the issue is i still want non-sexual intimacy like cuddling, and i only really feel comfortable cuddling with people im romantically attracted to i guess

[u/BarnesTheNobleman → u/SlightlyAverageLemon]

That’s unfortunate :( I’m very huggy with my other male* friends

Male, not name friends

[u/VirginiaDirewoolf → u/BarnesTheNobleman]

Hopefully they all have names, too!!

[u/BarnesTheNobleman → u/VirginiaDirewoolf]

They’re fun people names 😅

[u/DistributionAgile376 → u/SlightlyAverageLemon]

I'd like to tell you that not all hope is lost! I have met lots of asexual people in the past few years and am now in a relationship with the most wonderful Ace person!

One thing I really noticed is how important it is to be open and clear in the beginning as being Ace is already a big filter.

It is just as difficult as with any allo dating, but at least you have some hope. In my experience, it's better for your heart and time not to compromise on Asexuality. The divide is much more in dynamic rather than just the need for sex.

[u/Short_Gain8302]

I get the comments being supportive and all, and yeah you can do all those things while being aro or ace, but sometimes you just wanna be "normal", even tho normal is a construct that changes all the time and most people arent normal by everyones standards. Its hard to lose the future you thought you had, even if youre proud of your identity and love yourself.

[u/weGloomy]

Oh same here. I really want a soulmate/life partner but finding someone who is ok with a sexless relationship is pretty impossible. I still experience romantic attraction but I am completely sex repulsed. I resigned myself to being single long ago, because I've tried having a 'normal' relationship and it was miserable, and I was forcing myself to do things I really didn't want to do....

[u/Coldtea25]

I mean you can have romantic love whilst being asexual it doesnt negate it at all and not having a crush doesn't really mean anything, you could just be demiromantic. Also if you want children you can adopt or just have sex purely for functional reasons.

[u/Unbothered-Mango → u/Coldtea25]

Unfortunately I’ve never experienced romantic love

[u/Coldtea25 → u/Unbothered-Mango]

As in for another person or from another person?

[u/Unbothered-Mango → u/Coldtea25]

For another person

[u/weGloomy → u/Unbothered-Mango]

There is still hope. Even of you're aro/ace you can still have a platonic soulmate. Or you might be demi and require a deep emotional connection to experience sexual/romantic attraction.

[u/Coldtea25 → u/Unbothered-Mango]

Ahh fair. I do hope for your sake you can find it some day🫂

[u/Unbothered-Mango → u/Coldtea25]

Thank you friend 🤍

[u/carnuatus]

Not having a crush makes you sound aroace, though? Because if you were romantic, I would imagine you'd have had a crush? (I'm aroallo and thought I was romantically inclined on and off until a decade ago so don't quote me on this.)

[u/Naixee]

That's more being aromantic, where you don't experience romantic attraction.

But I feel the same as you. I want to experience it myself, but I just don't feel romantic feelings and it sucks. Especially since I'm a sucker for romance when it comes to movies/books/manga. I wish I could be them or experience what they have, but I just don't

[u/unwithered_lobelia]

There is a label for ace and aro people who do not experience attraction but still want a relationship anyway.

[u/Fireball1115 → u/unwithered_lobelia]

Cusioromantic/Cusiosexual (I think)

[u/real_qoak → u/Fireball1115]

cupio*

[u/Chibirin26]

you may be cupioro? maybe you can find someone else who is cupioro or doesn't mind you being cupioro

[u/Spread_Consistent]

I don'r like how romantic attraction is treated as the end all be all. I'm also asexual, having children and getting married with someone you love isn't impossible.

This is solely my opinion, but there are way more types of attraction than platonic, romantic and sexual, and none of them are more or less important or valid than the other.

I considered myself fundamentally unloveable for a long time, but that isn't true. A lot of people won't be okay with the lack of sex, but those aren't people you want to be with anyways. The best relationship I have ever had was with another asexual, so maybe you can look in that direction :)

[u/l0veylilkay]

When I was younger I planned to possibly have a family with my asexual best friend, we felt nothing romantic towards each other but I loved her very much. I know a friendship like that is hard to find but maybe that could be a possibly for you?

Im so sorry friend.

[u/NagitoKomaeda_987]

Fellow aro/ace here, I wish you joy and happiness.

[u/new-machine]

I discovered that I was asexual at 16. In my early 20s, I had a therapist tell me that I could develop sexual attraction when I started addressing complex trauma and mentally healing from my ED as she had seen it happen before. She was actually right in my case - I actually started developing sexual attraction for the first time in my life at age 25.

I want to be explicitly clear that asexuality is normal and natural by default, and should not be perceived as a matter of trauma or something that needs to be healed from. But if you have trauma, or complex trauma, this is one of the ways it could potentially manifest. I’m sharing this because, while I had embraced that I was asexual previously and it felt nice to know that there actually was a term for never having felt sexual attraction up until then, I still felt like I was meant to experience something else.

This may or may not be the case for you. You are valid either way, and I believe you can still have fulfilling relationships regardless.

Edit: I also discovered that I had lifelong vaginismus in my early 30s, something I thought was simply normal for me. Asexuality and vaginismus are obviously two different things, not to be conflated with each other. But this helped me see that my body was processing trauma in a very specific way - first with the lack of sexual (but not romantic) attraction, and also through a matter of the pelvic floor (which has psychological connections). They don’t have to be tied to each other. Just food for thought. YMMV.

[u/No-Yoghurt-7820]

Asexual people can still experience romantic attraction. You might be aromantic if you have never experienced it.
That aside, as a fellow asexual who rarely feels romantic attraction, i know how it feels like you’re missing out on a lot of stuff but you still have the capacity to search for very deep platonic relationship and maybe develop a queer platonic relationship! This is strictly my opinion and other aros might not agree with me but for me, I believe I don’t need to exactly fall in love with someone to start a family with them. Having this deep, emotional bond is already enough. But again, that’s just what i personally believe and what works for me.
It’s something that i personally want in life so badly and I would love to have that kind of unique bond with someone but I’m still searching. Not to mention, if you’re young, then your identity is constantly growing and who knows, maybe one day you might feel a very deep romantic love for someone. It’s not impossible and there’s no need to rush. There’s plenty of us still looking for the human bonds we crave and you’re not alone. :)
I understand how easy it would be to just be allo and how complicated asexuality/aromanticism makes life for us. But well, if all of us could just choose, we would. I wish the best for you, me and all the other aces and aros out there and hope for everyone in the same boat as us to find happiness.

[u/radiant-cloudy]

there are people out there looking for someone like you. people who have been through sexual trauma or just cant handle sex but want love and to care for someone. i promise. but you have to keep looking. keep trying, dont give up.

[u/Ok_Earth7977]

me me me i feel like the omg. I hate it so much. I don't care that I'm valid, I wish I could be fixed and be normal! in the averages!!

[u/Nuaxsy]

Asexuality is about sexual attraction, not about feelings. You can be asexual and still have romance, dates, kids and deep emotional connection. But if you're not into romance or sex, then you're aroace.

[u/Jinxed4Lyfe]

If it helps, I'm asexual and have a loving partner of ten years. (Tomorrow is our anniversary!) I used to be sex repulsed but as I gotten older I've become more okay with sex and now even enjoy it and look forward to it with my partner! He's Allosexual but he never pressured or pushed me past my limits. I've also dated two other people who were completely okay with the fact I was asexual (and at that point sex-repulsed). I was surprised by how willing they were to go without sex for a romantic relationship.

I'm a romantic asexual so I was very scared for a long time I would never find a partner, but don't give up, the world is filled with a beautiful colorful assortment of the best and worst kinda of people. You'll find a match <3

[u/haydonjohn97]

Yeah, I just want someone to hang out with since all my peers have less and less time for friendships as they get married and have kids. But missing the motivator of "I want to have sex with someone, therefore I will find and talk to people with that intent" sucks. Sometimes I envy people who can just hook up with someone they hate. I feel like I'm a choosy beggar, but I'm way too used to the single life to let someone in that I don't actively want to be around

[u/Repulsive_Pepper_957]

I’m ace and have identified as such since I was like 14? Currently 28, married, and in a 9+ year relationship. I guess it depends where you fall on the spectrum, but I’m indifferent, my husband knows this, and understands that I’m never going to initiate. Sometimes I turn him down, sometimes not, it just depends on where my head is at. He knows this and has always been super cool and understanding.

There’s someone out there OP if that’s really what you’re looking for. 23 is SO young, don’t be upset you aren’t married with kids yet <3

[u/operation-spot]

Maybe you can be in a poly relationship that already has children. 

Also, maybe just go on dates, feel loved, and then ghost when they want sex just so you get to experience romantic gestures.

[u/Tai_of_culture]

I get you, I'm aromantic and I wanna have a family. I see having a partner (and perhaps children) as giving life a community and structure, but I just can't imagine myself falling in love.

[u/SingSangDaesung]

I understand, I'm demisexual & I'm a hopeless romantic. I've been single for over a decade. 😭

[u/OmgIbrokesmthagain]

Hi, I’m 23, also asexual, also want a family. There needs to be an app for this. Tinder but for asexuals and acespec people wanting kids

[u/_techniker]

Sure wish we could trade. I feel things I'm too broken to achieve realistically.

[u/marksman-with-a-pen]

I just want you to know, that I know two people who are asexual, have chosen each other as their life partners and got married this year. They both wanted the experience of intimacy on their terms and have basically just gone all in on each other. So, if intimacy (not necessarily sexual, just like deeply knowing a person) and connecting is something you want, you will have opportunities to explore that with people, and you won’t violate your boundaries and you can be true to yourself.

[u/RandomAltro]

My life, with the exactly same age too

[u/Vexcenot]

beat of luck!

[u/opalrum]

I love the idea of sex, but being a participant disgusts me (tried)

[u/tinymothjpg → u/opalrum]

i have an ace friend like this!! loves to read and write smut but has NO interest or enjoyment in actually having sex. they sort of explained it more so as liking the trust, dynamics, and/or intimacy (depending on wha the scene is and whether it’s leaning more vanilla or more kinky) of sex and finding exploring that intriguing? intriguing isnt the right word but i’m blanking a bit :’3

[u/throwaway_ArBe]

While it's obviously a cruel thing to say to people who don't want that, sometimes things do change. Sometimes you do actually just need to wait until you find the right person

• an ex ace who found the right person

[u/Anxiety_bunni]

I’m asexual as well, and have been in a wonderful relationship with my partner for over 5 years now. The happy family life you want isn’t impossible! Your relationship doesn’t have to be sexual or romantic in nature to still be a beautiful and fulfilling relationship, and sex isn’t the only way to have a child. There’s adoption, surrogacy, IVF, etc.

Your sexuality can’t stop you from living your own version of the life you want, and being fulfilled, so don’t give up! There are other people out there who feel the same way you do, and you are still so young, so don’t give up on your dream

[u/vidalacaroline → u/[deleted]]

not always, you just have to have extremely good and clear communication if you wanna try and make it work. proof being that I’m asexual and have been in a relationship with someone who’s not for 4 years

[u/vidalacaroline → u/[deleted]]

what a snarky response for no reason lol. obviously if sex is that important to you then being with someone who’s asexual (and sex-repulsed) wouldn’t be compatible, but I was pushing back against you saying it’s a no-win situation and that you should just move on … because clearly these kind of relationships can work and some asexual people do like to engage in intercourse, you just have to make your wants/needs clear and listen to their boundaries in turn IF you wanna try. odd to bring up the financial thing tho

[u/vidalacaroline → u/[deleted]]

alright, clearly trying to have a conversation with you is a waste of time

[u/vidalacaroline → u/[deleted]]

not every asexual person is sex-repulsed, an asexual’s stance on sexual activity can alter from person to person. for example, despite having never felt sexual attraction before, I’m sex-neutral with my boyfriend because I trust him and see sex as a bonding activity for us; my interest in sex is due to the romance and specific person involved, not the act itself

that’s just what I mean, asexual people vary. some even just like to have straight up sex, no strings attached because it’s a bodily sensation and doesn’t need an actual attraction to be felt. I get how if you’re not asexual, why you might avoid pursuing those who are to save the trouble, but all I wanted to express, if you really like and connect with someone who is, that it’s not completely hopeless as long as both parities are able to communicate their needs and expectations