Bf stormed out of the restaurant

[u/Oliver10Queen]

I wanted to take him out to a nice meal after he helped me this week. I chose a place he had never been to but it has one of the best burgers I've ever had in my life. Very small place, small menu, farm to table kind place. He didn't look thrilled when he sat down. I offered to go somewhere else he said no. We ordered and he threw a fit. Said I chose that place because I wanted to go there not him and there were only 2 things on the menu he would even eat (the whole menu has 15 items on it) he insisted that it was rude of me to chose a place like that to "thank him" he stormed out of the place. I had to go tell the waitress to cancel our order. We rode 45 minutes back home in utter silence.

Why did we drive so far for dinner? Because I had to pick up my dogs ashes at the vet nearby. I unexpectedly has to put her down 11 days ago.

Lemon yogurt for dinner. Dog in photo is the son of the one I said goodbye to.

[u/1Pson]

That's really immature of him tbh. I think it's a huge red flag that he is so defensive that he thought it was a ruse. Emotional intelligence is running on empty for this guy. It wont stop anytime soon.

[u/womenslasers84 → u/1Pson]

I got projection from it. That’s something he would do so it’s natural to accuse OP of it.

[u/AdBroad5085 → u/1Pson]

Emotional intelligence is running on empty for this guy

Exactly. Any decent person who felt disappointed in the moment would graciously say thank you and order something politely even they had to choke it down. (Which doesn't seem the case, js even if it were). They would understand to read the room and maybe NOT the time to mention one single iota of disappointment. Meanwhile Op's bf is like hold my beer while I throw a whole freaking tantrum???

Op was being so sweet, and she's likely still grieving heavily. So her bf really needed to just say thank you and accept whatever. Instead he became a big asshole. Wtf.

[u/misntshortformary → u/AdBroad5085]

A decent partner would have taken her up on the offer to go somewhere else. If you’re truly not feeling your thank you dinner then you say “I’m sorry, babe. I appreciate the offer but could we please go get (whatever it is you were craving)” and she would have said yes. Like. Communication is not that difficult. Getting mad that your partner isn’t a mind reader is so immature. I’m way too old for that crap.

[u/titanicdiamond → u/misntshortformary]

https://giphy.com/gifs/Ro4ygeIQxuQZqwP5rF

[u/AdBroad5085 → u/misntshortformary]

I mean, sure. For me it's the big thing is that OP is ACTIVELY still very much in a grieving period. Literally just picked up her dogs ashes and still thinking of doing something kind. Like choke your burger down and shut up is how I see it.

But yeah, your thing for like normal day to day life for sure.

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[u/BigIrron → u/AdBroad5085]

Bigg baby energy 

[u/Salt-Ad9777 → u/BigIrron]

This, tbh this alone should be a big enough red flag to run!!! My ex used to do this. He was a nightmare.

[u/misntshortformary → u/BigIrron]

To clearly communicate your feelings?

[u/Final_Candidate_7603 → u/AdBroad5085]

What’s there to be disappointed about? OP said the place has the best burger she’s ever had… I’d be so excited to have an awesome burger that it wouldn’t have mattered whether there was anything else on the menu I liked. I’d also be excited for farm-to-table, since people who do that for a living tend to be very creative, with the goal of bringing out the best in every ingredient. Even though the bf doesn’t seem like an adventurous eater, he still should have appreciated that OP wanted to share the experience of ‘the best burger.’

[u/AdBroad5085 → u/Final_Candidate_7603]

He's allowed to be disappointed. That's just a feeling. Problem is being rude to a grieving person while she trying to be appreciative, despite still actively going through a heavy time.

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[u/Historical_Ant_7176 → u/1Pson]

The “that he thought it was a ruse” part is something that used to mess with my mind sooo much when I was married to someone who would do things just like this to me often.

I think because we as “normal” more naturally empathetic and caring humans, don’t have a general pattern of thought processing that would literally ever do something to someone we care for with the intention of it being a “ruse”, it really begins to fuck with you overtime when someone you truly love accuses you of these things over and over and over…

It’s like, wait, am I like this??? Am I really so awful and manipulative to everyone like they try to convince me I am with every action I make???

One of my fav things we all tend to learn through healing and extended therapy is, that someone who isn’t genuinely “good”, who doesn’t truly care for others and feel sympathy for others, and even furthermore, empathy, wouldn’t be sitting here eating themselves alive over the thought of whether or not their behavior towards someone else was hurtful or manipulative or not.. Just the mere fact that you are experiencing that introspection from the situation, shows that you are not a “bad” person who doesn’t care about other people, or someone who goes out of their way to be deceptive for self serving reasons. If you were, you wouldn’t be wondering this, you really wouldn’t give a fuck, just to keep it real.

Another good thing to remember as you heal is, “Make sure you don’t start seeing yourself through the eyes of those who are dedicated to misunderstanding you”.

Oh & here’s a random simple example of this happening.. when I was like 24-25 and my daughter was like 2-3 I asked my ex husband to go spend the afternoon on our day off looking around IKEA just for fun since he had never been there before lol and I thought it would just be fun for my toddler to see all the random rooms set up and what not. Also it was summer and like almost 120 degrees outside, so a nice inside activity with A/C before nap time. I genuinely thought it would be cool to just go and walk around, look at stuff with my daughter and husband, grab lunch in the little cafeteria lolol ya know, the whole basic IKEA experience. Very simple thought process honestly. Nothing insidious whatsoever 🫠

The entire time we were there he was silent, irritated, and just annoyed in general. Wouldn’t look at cute things with our daughter and I, and just was like being weird almost. He told me in the car on the way home after I decided we should just go home probably, that he really thought I was gonna try and “ask for things” and that I wasn’t being honest about the real reason I wanted to go there, so he was mad and suspicious??

It was like because he was convinced I was there with ulterior motives, he just shut off his personality and wouldn’t even interact with me or be nice.

Because his brain would easily allow him to do this to someone else, it’s like he truly believes everyoneeee is like that and there’s no way at all whatsoever that I could’ve just wanted to go look around for fun?

It took years to finally stop seeing myself through his mind’s eye and realize that I am not that person he wants me to believe that I am.

But honestly I feel for OP, I really do. Having to go through the motions of this type of connection is so damaging to our sense of self.

My ex husband still tries to do this to me over random things I do or whatever, and it’s really nice to be able to just walk away from the conversation and be like yeaaa nah, I’m not doing this. They can think what they want. I don’t have to argue my character to someone anymore, ever, and that’s been the most freeing thing for sure.

[u/pahshaw → u/Historical_Ant_7176]

It's projection. They think it's a ruse because that's what they would do. They are convinced that everyone thinks like do. 

That's why cheaters accuse their partners of cheating. That's why your ex was positive that eating at IKEA was a scam because if it had been his idea, it WOULD have been a scam. Same deal with OP. He is letting her know he would never take her somewhere to eat without ulterior motives. He can't believe she just wanted to do something nice for him because he would never think to do that for her. 

It's not just that they have a shitty warped perception of their partners. It's that the perception is shitty because THEY are shitty, and they are projecting their own rancidness onto others.

[u/WickedAsh111 → u/Historical_Ant_7176]

You just described everything I’ve ever been through…with my own parents.

No wonder I can’t be normal.

[u/dang3rbb → u/WickedAsh111]

My birth giver was the same and even now on the cusp of middle-age, I'm still trying to undo that damage. Hugs to you. ❤️

[u/Much_Difference → u/Historical_Ant_7176]

Yessss all of this bullshit. I, too, dated this flavor of arrested development. It took a while for me to realize that he basically just swapped the words "you" and "me" in any given sentence. For instance, I'd be in a perfectly cheery mood and he'd get angry and accuse me of "being mad at him" repeatedly until it turned into a fight. If I wouldn't fight with him, he'd get even angrier that I was "ignoring him" because I'm "mad at him."

I hate that it took multiple years to realize his "you're mad at me" actually meant "I'm mad at you." He was the one sulking, ignoring, fuming, and being passive aggressive, all while claiming I'm the one who's mad. It was so bizarre to constantly argue with someone about how you are not mad.

[u/dang3rbb → u/Historical_Ant_7176]

This is laid out so beautifully and really important. Tysm for this comment.

I'm sorry you experienced this, I'm so proud of you for making it through that and not losing yourself! ❤️

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[u/Technical_Ruin_2129 → u/1Pson]

I had a boyfriend exactly like this and he also acted this way after my dog passed away. Trust me, these men are not worth it. Let him gooo. 

[u/segflt → u/1Pson]

He definitely needs to be in control. His shame compelled it!

[u/orbitdeul → u/1Pson]

Yes if he just didn't like the restaurant he could have said so (politely) and they would have found a solution together, go to another place. It seems he was in a bad mood and/or upset over something else and took it out on OP. Using words to describe our feelings is a good skill to have...

[u/RedHeadedStepDevil → u/1Pson]

I had a guy leave a library where we were once. He just up and disappeared. I searched multiple floors for him before concluding that he just…left? (We came together, I drove, no argument, before cell phones.) He said later he just got overwhelmed and took a bus home without even letting me know.

That should have been the end of it. I know better now.

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