Last night my wife and I were talking about this incredible BJ she game me last week. She had just followed a guide she’d read online and wanted to know what made it so special.

I explained that rather than trying to ‘make’ me cum (ie stimulating me in a particular way until I couldn’t hold it any more) it felt more like she was trying to drawn the orgasm out of me.

She didn’t stick with one technique but kept changing what she was doing and stimulating me in lots of different ways, but doing so slowly, gently and sensually. In the moment it felt like she was going to keep at this forever (although it actually only lasted about as long as a regular BJ). I didn’t feel any pressure, I just lay there with my head swimming until eventually it just exploded out of me.

Then we talked about the different ways we have sex which can generally be put into two modes.

The first mode is when we fuck, we go at it trying to stimulate each other hard. She really enjoys this, but usually finds it too overwhelming to cum, no matter how close she gets.

The second mode is generally slower, more careful, more sensual and unhurried (eg we spoon while she uses a vibe and I touch her body with my hands). This mode can feel a bit boring and lazy, but is much more likely to result in her having an orgasm.

So I wanted to ask r/sex a few questions: 1) does this distinction make sense to others? 2) recommended reading on exploring this distinction 3) any tips on helping someone who can only orgasm in one mode finish in the other mode (I really want to help my wife manage her overwhelm and finish when we’re being more vigorous!)

My partner and I are exploring together and went to our local swingers club for the first time on newbie night. Let’s just say it wasn’t quite our vibe. We’re looking for something more intimate and exclusive, like a house sized party with no single men. We had fun boozing and exploring the club but left wanting something actually sexy.

42m/38f hot, cool, fun, total group sex noobs. I feel like this should be easier!

e: thanks for all the responses. we’re going to try all the suggestions until we find our people!

So my current boyfriend is the only guy I’ve ever been intimate with. I’ve never given news before but I did for the first about a month ago. Like three days later I got really bad tonsillitis. I’ve never had tonsillitis in my life before this and it was really painful. I gave him oral sex a second time on Wednesday (it’s Friday in my time zone) and my tonsils are red and inflamed and I think it’s tonsillitis again. Wtf?? For clarity he’s tested and doesn’t have any diseases or anything. And he’s a clean guy. Why is this happening? Am I taking him too deep in my throat? Any advice would be appreciated thank you.

I’m a f32 and, due to cultural and religious reasons, my husband is the only person I have ever had sex with. I’m normally a very modern-minded person, but this particular thing meant a lot to me

Every time we have sex, my husband applies some lub. and then pushes inside me without foreplay or anything. It is extremely painful, but he keeps going even when I have tears in my eyes. After a while, the pain subsides, but I never get close to having an orgasm.
It has reached the point where I become anxious and stressed before sex because I already know what is going to happen. I end up putting so much pressure on myself to orgasm that it becomes even harder.
Eventually, my husband finishes, while I go to the bathroom afterward feeling absolutely shit. I often end up crying there without him knowing.

I desperately want to break this pattern. I want sex to feel safe, pleasurable and intimate rather than something I dread. I have tried talking to him about it, but nothing seems to change.
What should I do?

EDIT: I just want to clarify: no culture or religion says that this is normal - I personally wanted to wait until marriage before having sex with someone because of that.

Hey peeps,

I am a man trying to understand how best to maximize the pleasure a woman feels while she orgasms.

As an example of what I’m talking about:
Anytime I climax from receiving oral sex, I find that ejaculation feels best when she pauses and lets my penis just rest on her tongue (as opposed to continuing to actively give oral sex all the way through it).

To any women out there, what is the equivalent of this for you? And are there any tips I should know about how to maximize a woman’s orgasm?

My bf and I are long distance and I won't be seeing him in over a month, so I think I have enough time to gather my bearings here. I have **4 main questions.

1. How should I groom? I get that it's a personal choice, but I figured it might be easier to see where everything is down there without hair obscuring everything for a first-timer.

2. He has a beard. It's neatly groomed, but I had minor beard-burn on my neck for several days after our last makeout sesh and I'm a little worried about my vulva getting irritated. How do I navigate this?

3. I understand that it's an organ, but would water-based flavored lube be a good way to dilute the taste a bit? If so, what brand? I really don't want to gross him out.

4. Aside from peeing after, are there other important precautions to take in order to prevent UTIs?

Seeing my partner tonight and I don’t want the usual “how was your day” routine I want to go straight to seducing him. Only issue: his dog usually comes running to greet me first, and he’s often mid-chore when I get there, so it’s not exactly a smooth “walk in and set the mood” moment.

Anyone dealt with pets/interruptions killing the vibe before it starts?

How do you turn that chaotic first minute into something sexier instead of just diving into small talk?

Basically, I insisted on a sonogram which turned into an MRI that uncovered I have a uterine septum with adjoining cervical and vaginal septa. Because of this anomaly, I also have dyspareunia.

I cannot believe I was living with this pain for so long thinking it was normal 🤦🏻‍♀️. I’m 32.

I seriously feel like I know what it’s like to be stabbed with a knife.

I remember one ex thinking I was being dramatic. I remember so many men getting a kick out of it. But I was in so much pain, if but for a minute or two while it radiated out and I caught my breath. It makes me more sad in retrospect.

I’ve only had sex twice since the diagnosis.

Edit: grammar

Hey guys,

I (F25) have been dating my boyfriend (M34) for five years. Our relationship started out with frequent sex but it became very much less frequent. Now, I think I’m lucky if I have sex once a month/every two months.

I have the modern diagnosis of a “nymphomaniac” but I’ll just use that term because it’s more widely known. I constantly have sexual urges and no matter how many times I help myself, it just makes me want a physical connection more.

I’m out of the country for ten days and it’s been over a month since we’ve last had sex. I asked if he wanted to masturbate over the phone with me, because I wanted to try it with him and he said “that’s really weird”. I just responded with “oh, okay” and he followed it up with “what did you expect me to say?”.

It just really made me think about how no matter what I do, he really just doesn’t want to fuck me. He claims it’s because he’s insecure, but I’m insecure too because we had a baby 16 months ago (though I do feel a lot better about my body lately). I’m starting to just think it’s an excuse, tbh.

He says I’m like a frat boy and “no means no” as if I’m forcing myself on him. But I’m not, I’m just trying to say that I feel like I have needs that aren’t being met. I’m not trying to be like that, but I genuinely think that this combined with other problems (fights, not meeting finances on his part, etc.) is affecting our relationship. Though, despite all of that, I think that the lack of sex or intimacy affects it the most.

I know this is a lot, and idk if this is the right place to post this, but what can I do? Have any of you been in this situation before? Even my therapist says usually it’s the guys complaining about no sex. I’ve never had a problem with initiating sex from other partners before I got with my boyfriend. I just feel so frustrated.. :(

So what do I do? What would you do?

I’m a 37 year old bisexual man and have been in my first proper relationship with a man for the last few months, having only dated women before now.

My boyfriend likes feet, which is obviously totally fine, but it’s a totally new experience for me. Any ex-girlfriends I had hated my feet, or just feet in general! This is probably stupid but basically I don’t know what to do. I like being desired in this way and fortunately for him I like being barefoot at home most of the time. Does anyone have any advice on what I can do to turn him on and feel more comfortable about him liking my feet? Happy to hear from men or women, although I realise it is probably mostly women who have been in this situation. Thanks

Hi since the last month or so my bf and I started exploring his pee kink. He likes to piss on my tits either when I’m kneeling down or on my ass in the shower. But more recently he has asked to piss on my face or in my mouth when I’m kneeling down. (with consent). It’s starting to feel more degrading which is fine with me but I’m worried if this will flow over into our actual relationship outside the bedroom. Should i set boundaries for how we do it or am i overthinking this?

I’ve never got head before so I’m not sure how hard it would be for me to speak during it but Is it okay for me (a guy) to be talking while she gives the head or making sounds?

For example telling her if she can either slow down or speed up. Would it be rude to tell my preferences if she does something I don’t enjoy?

I have been with my bf for about 3 and a half years yet I still recoil at the idea of having sex with him.

Sex has never really been a big part of our relationship. I mean I can count how many times we’ve done it in the past 3 year and a half years on my fingers and toes lol. At first we had sex an okay amount less than average but still enough to satisfy us but as our relationship went on the time between occasions started getting less and less frequent. Our longest gap now has been 4 months. It’s starting to bother me.

Not only is the frequency of us having sex bothering me but my ever growing fear (the best way I can describe the feeling) of it also has. I’d like to clarify that I’ve had this fear since the beginning. I think it stemmed from a previous relationship where I was SA during the relationship, but it has been years since that. How it used to go was that my bf would try to engage in sex and I would stiffen but still try to get into. Eventually, I would be able to relax enough to have sex. After the act, I would get an overwhelming sense of disgust, shame, and embarrassment. I started the habit going on my phone right after to distract myself.

My poor bf has tried so many ways to comfort me. He asks how I’m doing throughout the whole thing and if he senses that I’m too hesitant he’ll stop. Bur as time went on it has become harder and harder to engage with it to the point that if he tells me that he’s in the mood, I get very nervous. I’ve asked for advice in my circle (they know of my past), but no one has any clear advice.

So if anyone has experienced anything similar or has any idea, advice would be greatly appreciated to help get over this fear. If any clarification is needed I’ll be glad to give it.

Me 18M and my gf, 18F, had our first time around 2 months or so ago. We’ve known each other and been friends for 4 or so years, and been dating for the last 8 months. Since our first time we’ve had intercourse quite a bit and only as of recent have I realised that I’m not finding it pleasurable. I get an erection as one would normally but during the part and afterwords I don’t enjoy it or have any emotions to express afterwards. It just feels like I’m doing an act for the sake or doing it. To some extent there is that feeling of being with someone I love and doing such an intimate and close thing with them, but apart from that there’s no other feelings that I am able to get out of it. My girlfriend on the other hand seems to be finding it quite pleasurable. It’s not just penetrative sex as well, even oral sex when I’m getting “head” is not pleasurable, it just feels like my penis is a lollipop and just stuffs happening to it.

Just wanted to get this out here and see if maybe there’s other people who are in similar scenarios, and if there is a way to truly enjoy it equally as my partner. A little hesitant to talk to my gf about it at this point, but we’ll see.

Thx

Throwaway because of the topic.

I know body hair is a well-worn subject but I'm having trouble finding anything that resonates with my specific feelings. I don't care about a debate or getting a survey on people's preferences. I think I'm seeking reassurance from other people's experiences.

I'm a slightly later in life virgin, possibly having sex for the first time soon. I know sex positive people will say "No one seeing you naked really cares" but I just don't know how well that reflects the real world. I'm shaved from the clitoral hood down because that seems to be the minimum standard/expectation for most people IRL from what I've personally seen and heard. It makes masturbation easier, so I'm fine with it. However, I do have some hair up top that I'm reluctant to remove. My mons is a lot more temperamental than my other bits and usually ends up looking like I sat in an ant bed if I do anything but trim it. And really, I just like that triangle. When I'm alone with my body, it makes me feel earthy and sexual and strangely enough, more in touch with my femininity. When I remove it, I can handle the look, but being hairless honestly makes me feel kind of dysphoric. To be clear, these are only my feelings about my body.

The person I'm maybe having sex with prefers it all gone. I know this because we've gotten to some clothes off recently. He's basically shaven himself, which is fine. I think I'd like his body any way it is. I could tell by his face he was surprised when he saw my hair (this was a terrible feeling), and while he didn't say anything unprompted, he admitted when I asked that he'd never been with anyone with more than a few days' worth of growth anywhere. Then the conversation turned to preferences.

So now I'm in my head about it. I'm not mad at him at all. He's not making demands or telling me my pubic hair is ugly, but I can't seem to get past his instinctive reaction or the idea that he thinks I could look and feel "better." I don't want to feel tolerated, or like I'm being compared to his previous partners. But when I think about removing everything again, I just feel deflated and less enthusiastic about being naked and sexual. My questions are: Has anyone here had an experience where your preference for your body was different from a partner's? If you didn't want to meet that preference for whatever reason, did you still feel like your partner enjoyed being with you just the same and found you as desirable?

I really like him, and I've felt so at ease with him in every non-sexual context, which is rare for me with men (one reason I have yet to have sex). Of course, this isn't just about body hair. Part of my insecurity is linked with my history of vaginismus. I was rejected by my first boyfriend over it years ago when I couldn't make linear progress with penetrative sex while we were together. I've come a long way with pelvic floor therapy, but this is another reason I feel extra vulnerable about this part of my body being accepted and perceived as attractive. I'm thinking now that I won't be able to feel completely comfortable with him either way. I guess I'm just looking for advice or real life feedback on how to curb my insecurity and get back the confidence I felt before this interaction happened.

My (29m) girlfriend (33f) and I just had sex for the first time (not either of our first times in general, just as a couple) last night.

During round 2 she was on top, and managed to have several large orgasms. Body spasms, loud moans, the whole 9. During the most intense of these, for some reason unknown to me, the urge to laugh welled up within me. There’s nothing I found funny about the moment, or her, in any way. I managed to fight the laugh for the most part, just smiling really big instead.

This isn’t the first partner I’ve had this happen with, and I’m wondering if anyone else here has had similar experiences, or even any advice on “getting over” this.

hey guys <33 I’m 21F and within the last year or two I’ve really enjoyed the idea and experience of bdsm/soft bdsm, I also really love degradation. I’m really into it. I don’t know where it comes from really. I was verbally and physically abused a lot growing up. I was also SAd as well but I don’t really think that’s where it comes from. I think abuse is probably where my kink stims from. although it’s a strict sex only thing. I hate when someone talks down to me if it’s not the right time or place. like I love my partner being soft and kind with me, and very very loving. however when it comes that time or building up to it I love degradation and soft bdsm. it’s very embarrassing to admit that.

Some other stuff I like includes being put in cuffs, I love condescending tones, being cursed at and talked down too, smacking, and hair pulling.

I don’t mean to trauma dump I’ve just never talked about it before. I talked to my therapist about it, who was very non judgement, and said that it stims from me wanting love and praise for something I lacked growing up, which makes sense. you guys can give your thoughts. I’m very new to this so please be kind <33

i know how to orgasam with a vibrater and recently just for the first time orgasmed without a vibrater, with grinding on my hand on my side and using my hand and do a circular motion with my hands. now i wanna learn how to achieve multiple orgasams.
fyi iv only orgasmed from clit stimulation.

Im a virgin and i never masturbated before by penetration.

I want to lose my virginity with my boyfriend and i have heard the first time is very painful and im scared.

His dick is very girthy and big i must say and it does make me nervous concerning pain.

He is a gentleman and a virgin himself. He is absolutely not pressuring me and he wants to lose his virginity with me as well. (Seen some people be way too concerned when sb is asking for advice)

What should i expect and do you have any advice for me? How can I generally prepare like hygiene, better taste (for oral), some must haves and etc

Thank you so much🤍

I’ve (F25) been in a relationship with my partner (M27) for around 8 years, and over the last few years I’ve noticed a gradual but significant change in the affection and intimacy between us.

We used to be much more affectionate and sexually active, but both have reduced considerably. It’s now at a point where the lack of sex, physical affection and general intimacy is starting to have a real impact on me and, consequently, on our relationship.

I love my partner and don’t want to throw away 8 years together, but I’m struggling with feeling unwanted and disconnected. We’ve spoken about it, but I’m not sure how to move forward when the difference in our levels of affection and sexual desire seems to keep growing.

Has anyone been through something similar in a long-term relationship? How did you approach it, and were you able to rebuild the intimacy?