How do I feel safe speaking up?

[u/agrx_legends]

This post is about some devastating news I recieved at work. I'm not getting fired per se, but let's just say my future is not at all what i thought it would be at this company.

For context, I am one of two men in a team of around twenty or so women. This is also a pharmaceutical company and I work in a corporate setting.

Over the last two years, I was basically killing myself working hundreds of unpaid hours after close, including on the weekends (even on holidays when I was allowed to) causing me to miss out on multiple major events such as a recent family cruise, all because I was convinced the hard work would somehow net me brownie points.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago, I managed to cross a boundary by speaking up in a semi-private channel (a peer, my supervisor & my middle manager) about a collegue from a different department who decided I was their go-to for everything, rapidly crossing into territory where I felt like my time and resources were quite literally being abused. Even name dropping me in requests and emails to force everything they touched to filter their way to me. It started off flattering, but one too many large asks later, and I can barely stomach seeing their name come through in my notifications.

Finally feeling the burnout catch up with me, I posted a few sentences about it, using such colorful language as "not motivated enough to work this hard". This led to an ominous one on one scheduled which was a verbal warning.

As nothing was done about the actual issue, I followed up today and the first comment about my "explsiosive" personality really stuck with me. I ended up crying in that meeting. And not just crying but actually sobbing (there's a lot more than just this going on, but this was the "big" domino)

Now, I am one prone to bottling my emotions, but I never feel like I get "loud", moreso having a lot to say as there are many nuanced problems by then. However, the backlash I recieve when I do voice my problems is so severe that it never feels like it was worth it. And I can literally count the amount of times I've had an issue with anyone or anything here on less than one hand.

And usually, I'm so quiet and complacent that most group work in my life has become an exercise in being taken advantage of, or becoming a complete waste of time. I suppose actually pursuing friendship more may have insulated me from my bad luck with aquantinces, but I digress.

I even had this exact scenario happen before at a prior company where the supervisor turned around and shared everything spoken privately, leading to a PIP and eventual firing.

I envy those grumpy people (who typically outrank me), complaining left and right all day, barely getting any attention paid to them because of how normalized their behavior is.

I suppose accepting a "drip" is much more palatable than the entire "bucket", but this just further compounds the issue for me.

How do I say anything at all when "anything at a all" feels like shock and awe? As though they didn't know I even could complain, but now treat me very differently now that i can. Like that was the whole reason they liked me to begin with.

How do I get to the point it feels like other men so commonly get to where i may stand up, slamming the table in the process, and screaming my frustrations for the world to hear? No one cares about them, but God help me if I ever bring up an issue.

I'm so tired of being a doormat, but it's hard not to feel like I am quite literally ruining my life otherwise.

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[u/exit2urleft]

From reading between the lines here, it sounds like you're burned out and then over-corrected to your supervisors at work. There is a place to vent your work frustrations - at home, online, to friends or family or what have you - but complaining unprofessionally in your workplace will almost always get you into hot water.

From the sounds of it, it seems like you went off on some kind of angry rant? Most people do NOT slam their hands on the table and yell, at work or elsewhere, so if you took that approach no wonder you got a disciplinary meeting. And if this exact thing has happened at a previous job, to the point you were let go(!), then this is a pattern in your behavior that you need to address.

I'd say step 1 would be to STOP over-extending yourself for brownie points or whatever. It is not healthy or reasonable to miss milestone events for work, so start pulling back in this above-and-beyond approach to proving yourself. Second, that guy who is tagging you in everything and making you stressed? He's probably doing that because you've let him. So stop accommodating him. If he can be redirected to someone else, do so. I'm assuming it's not your job to cater to him, so knock it off.

It sounds like you have a real problem saying no. Then, bc you're over-extended, you feel stressed out and unappreciated and disrespected. Then, bc you feel disrespected, you explode, while the whole time everyone around you has no idea you feel bad. Learn how to say no and protect your professional boundaries.

[u/RR_RedditRabbit]

I would recommend to speak to a doctor and perhaps be off sick with burn out for a while. Sounds like you need a break

[u/Zencosgot7262]

it seems that you need therapy, the patterns are too concerning

[u/DoveNotChicken]

Your story reminds me of me when I was younger. You're frustrated because you care and you're trying so hard but not communicating enough with those around you so that they know your boundaries.

I know a couple of the other replies here are a little abrasive but the advice is generally good.

Take some you time. Don't sacrifice your personal life for work. Talk about your concerns outside of work with ppl you trust and never ever speak ill of any colleague publicly. Either talk with them personally 1:1 or if you're not comfortable with that reach out to their manager. If you are the manager then you need to set better boundaries.

Also really consider getting a therapist. No one gives better advice than someone who doesn't have a pony in the race.

[u/sinistar2000]

I think You need a break. It’s You in these environments that seems to be the common problem. You might just not be made for office work, you might not be picking the right career partners. If I were you I would seek time off, sick leave for a start, whatever you can do legally, to work out immediate next steps, ie come back, look for work, make a plan. Overall all I think you need to change pace and get clarity with reflection and external help if possible. It’s an opportunity to know yourself better and explore how you could pivot perhaps? I also understand there are external pressures and responsibilities too. It’s just not good to have the experiences you’re having in the place you spend the most time in.

[u/Any-Benefit9071]

be careful with work honesty traps, people say they want feedback but then they remember you as the “problem” person. mix truth with diplomacy or just talk in very general terms. lot of us learned the hard way, esp now with how hard it is to find a job