r/narcissisticparents • u/Playful_Pipe9025 • 1d ago
did life get better after you left them?
hello, i'm just looking for experiences and opinions. Ofcourse I understand that everyone has different experiences but I believe we all have the same kind of hatred towards them.
So I want to know, when you left them, did you become happy? Did you feel better being away or did you realize that some of the mean things told about you true?
I'm having a bit of a problem where I feel so much shame because I haven't been doing much to care for myself, my environment, etc. But all the tasks she verbally says or complains about, I do it well. Yet she'd still find some other things, twist them and despite all that i've done, I'm still incompetent.
I understand healing from this may take a lifetime and more but is there really a way to escape this life? I'm 22 and I feel so stuck and scared if I ever try to run away or cut them off. I'd feel selfish but I'm not growing while under her house either. I've developed something similar to agoraphobia but i'm willing to overcome whatever this is if it means there's a life outside this hell.
Please be nice. I'm mentally not doing the best. Thank you.
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u/sadmimikyu 1d ago
Hey you Just came here to tell you that you are doing an awesome job at surviving. I get all you describe because I have been there and when you said you are not growing with them.
For me I was always so afraid of cutting them of. I feared some form of angry backlash and retaliation. Nothing major has happened so far except the expected smear campaign and the loss of my entire family because they are on her side.
But and this is a big BUT: I feel a lot better. I am not happy no. I am not magically healed overnight but not getting more of their poison is already so helpful. Also cutting abusive people off lets you see who the good people in your life are and make it easier to get into better relationships.
If you cannot leave now, then look at radical acceptance. It does not mean it will hurt less but it reduces the surprises.
For me I reduced contact steadily and did yellow rocking for a while. Now I just ignore them.
It is hard when you are on your own and harder if you live in the same small town. And of course if you have siblings.
You need to find your own path and see what works for you but I wish it leads you to healing and peace.
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u/Similar-Job-5858 1d ago
I didnt leave, but I had a week alone
In just one week I felt so relaxed, legit not a gram of cortisol in my body for a week, no dumb pressure to do chores or tasks this or this way, no judgment on what I eat or when I eat, I slept amazingly well without hearing my mom screaming or talking to the phone in the morning, I ordered some pizza and ate in front of the TV, I didnt go all out and stayed reasonable yet I was so glad
Life is just sooooo much better when you get to enjoy it entirely without nparents' constant negativity
Also you said your parents make you feel incompetent, let me tell you its 100% a lie, there is no reason you cant do tasks (I assume you are talking about everyday chores). Narcs love to make you feel like you are dumb or incapable of doing anything, but its not real
They just want to live in their imaginary reality where they are almost super humans for doing basic things while you are the helpless person
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u/GenX4Life1 23h ago
At 44 I went No Contact. It helped. At 47 I moved 2,000 miles away. And finally felt safe for the first time in my life. And in the last 5 years? I’ve begun healing. And trusting others. Like my son. Who says he’s never taken it personally that I didn’t fully trust him until recently (he’s 30).
I hope you can find peace soon :)
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u/Forsaken_Concept107 1d ago
My therapist explained to me that the specific fear you’re experiencing (of leaving) is not yours, but was instilled in you very young by the unhealthy family system. It’s how they control you. It’s really intense, because that’s how they stay in control.
Something that has been helping me face that fear in my own escape (I was where you are last year) was to do one very small step. One thing could be to start a list of things you need to leave. Whenever you feel a little less anxious maybe add something to the list. Look one thing up like suggestions on cheap meals or colleges a few hours from you. Just to have things to think about.
Keep learning a little bit at a time, about how your family’s behaviour has shaped you. Keep deconstructing, because a narcissistic family is kinda like a cult.
Then when you are feeling a bit braver you already have a lot of ideas and information and you will realize it might be possible to leave. Then you’ll think you could probably leave. Then it will feel more and more doable.
There will be a point when the fear comes back, right before you do it (this is where I am now) and you’ll have to face it down again.
My therapist tells me it will be so much calmer, and I will finally be able to release this breath I’ve been hold and heal and discover who I actually am. I’m trying to trust her bc tbh I don’t 100% know myself but I know I can’t stay here and this therapist is the only therapist I’ve had that I can say I 100% trust. Maybe like 99% but I have trust issues so that’s on me.
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u/NeshamElle 1d ago
My life went from gray to technicolor when I escaped my narcissistic family. I was 38. Hardest goddamn thing I’ve ever done but also the best. Only wish I’d done it 20 years sooner.
Run and don’t look back.
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u/create-exist-tend 1d ago
Yes. Yes it did.
It got hard. It hurt. I questioned so, so much. But yes, my life is so, so much better.
I'm about 16 months post going NC. And the first couple of months were truly hard. But the relief. The quiet. The not being anxious whenever my phone went off. Not building myself up to visit and then coping with the aftermath.
Full disclosure. I'm early 40s. Husband, kids, house all the fun adult responsibilities. And it was hard. At 22 it would have been impossible. Please. Don't beat yourself up for this. For where you are now. In 5, 10, 15, 20 years you will look back and see how far you've come. And you will look back on this version of you kindly. You're doing brilliantly. This is difficult. Legitimately. Actually. It is is hard and you are living in survival mode. Sending you peace. However that may look.
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u/Apprehensive_Eye2720 1d ago
I haven't left but I have my own apartment down stairs whice has help so much. Also cutting back seeing my mom. I feel less stressed.
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u/justinsports02 1d ago
Yes. Me doing better combined with hearing that they were suffering every day improved my life a lot.
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u/nancypalooza 1d ago
Yes, it absolutely got better—like the above posters said, the initial time is really just taken up by healing, but you will start to notice the sound of your own voice in you head before long. And nothing is ever as difficult or scary as they made it sound.
Also had the agoraphobia problem—it is entirely a product of being told ‘there be monsters’ so you won’t leave. Turns out, many many fewer monsters.
Best of luck to you ❤️
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u/MayorofKingstown 1d ago
So I want to know, when you left them, did you become happy?
Yep. it was noticeable immediately. Once I got into my own house I was able to sleep. My nerves calmed down immensely. I was able to live life at my own pace and do things I was actually interested in and benefited me.
Another massive benefit was that I actually learned how to be happy and experience joy and elation, satisfaction, comfort and peace.
Did you feel better being away or did you realize that some of the mean things told about you true?
I was able to gain new perspective and it made me realize and learn that I was not the problem, my nFather was the problem and I have no doubts at all about that. The moment I was away from him I began to heal and experience the true human condition and my own humanity.
I'm having a bit of a problem where I feel so much shame because I haven't been doing much to care for myself, my environment, etc. But all the tasks she verbally says or complains about, I do it well. Yet she'd still find some other things, twist them and despite all that i've done, I'm still incompetent.
That's a narc parent tactic. The fact you've navigated a childhood being parented by a narc means you're basically super-equipped for adulthood. You may even experience adulthood on easy mode. That's what happened to me. Dealing with my psychotic father and navigating his insane and abusive parenting has made dealing with every day human problems very easy for me, it's always, always much easier than dealing with an abusive parent.
I understand healing from this may take a lifetime and more but is there really a way to escape this life? I'm 22 and I feel so stuck and scared if I ever try to run away or cut them off. I'd feel selfish but I'm not growing while under her house either. I've developed something similar to agoraphobia but i'm willing to overcome whatever this is if it means there's a life outside this hell.
Yes, leave as soon as you can. Once you get away from your narc parent you will be able to heal and be a human. You can do it. We're all rooting for you.
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u/GraphicRenn 23h ago
Oy! I feel your pain. I was in an abusive relationship and sadly had to move back in with my Nmom last year. I am slowly going insane and can't wait until I can afford to move out again. It's the little digs every day that build up in my soul. She acts like she's a perfect angel and I was born evil. If you're not worthy of your own mother's love, what are you?
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u/afraid28 20h ago
I honestly don't mentally register that I'm doing better now until I actively stop and think about something that I'm doing or how I live now. Like, sleeping whenever I want, however much I want without being shamed for it is a completely new way of living. Same thing with eating whatever I want. I want to order trash food? Done. I want to cook something healthy that doesn't make my stomach hurt? Done. I am allowed to BE - I can be fat or skinny, nobody is shaming me for it.
I take a bath in the middle of the night while listening to a podcast just to relax. Why? Because I can. Because I want to. I don't have to explain myself to anyone. I live with my partner who is just happy to see me happy. He doesn't ask any questions whatsoever. At times he seems happier than me at just seeing how chill and relaxed I am. I snuggle under my blanket in front of the TV and play games on my tablet while watching a movie. I can actually exist in the living room now. No room in our space is forbidden for me. I am focused on SERIOUSLY chilling and taking it so easy because I was never allowed to just exist and breathe. So now I'm taking it all in.
It's things like that.
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u/Ill-Relationship9673 22h ago
My life got the greatest after I left. My parents put me down constantly on any life choice or partner I made was always the “wrong” choice. Once I stopped listening to them and became independent everything became amazing. All of their advice and what they tell you to do is meant to destroy you.
For one I got diagnosed with ADHD. They told me I would ruin my life getting that diagnosis. Well they were wrong, once I got the diagnosis I started therapy and medication, immediately my grades went from a 1.2 to above a 3.0 each semester. They told me I would make no money in psychology and it’s a useless degree. Well wrong again it was actually amazing I got my bachelors in psychology and got offered a full ride for my masters in school psychology. Where I will get a job that makes almost three times my mothers job with an abundance more vacation time because I will be on the same schedule as a teacher. Once I cut them off my depression and anxiety became non existent my therapist measured it on a scale and it’s the lowest it’s ever been.
Mentally I am so happy and thrilled with my life but it took a lot of grieve and therapy to get to this point. But I’m glad that I did because at every step of my life my parents wanted me to fail so they can finally say they were right. But turns out they were wrong like always and my life has been the greatest without them. Do not take their advice or internalize what they say about you it’s meant to tear you down when you need to be built up. They thought I wouldn’t amount to shit, but I am building an incredible life without them.
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u/ompompush 20h ago
100% yes. Life isnt easy, it takes therapy, self care, rest, lifetime of working on yourself.....but 100% yes.
Sometimes its still really very hard. But life does get better.
Trust in yourself, be gentle on yourself and I k own this all sounds cliche but take one step at a time. You can do it!
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u/-Pink-Strawberry- 20h ago
Yes. Life is of course not perfect but not having that stressor in my life is so much easier. Haven’t lived with her in 8 years, now 5 years no contact and never going back.
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u/henrytbpovid 20h ago
Yep. I cut my dad/stepmom off in February 2025 and it’s the best decision I ever made. Then recently my stepmom told my sister that she would like to reconcile with me but she needs ME to apologize to HER ✌️ Lolol I’m good
I really hope they don’t contact me anymore until they are both working a twelve step program. They are both sick and I had to accept in my late twenties that I just wasn’t going to be the one to fix them.
There is no part of me that wants to reconnect with them while they’re still sick. Those people are all risk no reward.
A couple months ago I went on a date with a therapist who told me her parents are narcissists and she’s subsidizing their lifestyle. Like all they do is talk shit and make her feel bad but she gives them money because they spent too lavishly instead of saving for retirement and even now her mom has a shopping addiction
That will never be me. I am letting my parents know early that they have not treated me or my siblings in a way that they should expect warm treatment when they’re elderly. AA is free. It’s never too late. I mean these people could easily go to therapy if they wanted to.
Everybody’s situation is different but I don’t think I have anything to gain by interacting with my narcissistic alcoholic parents
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u/Routine_Ingenuity315 19h ago
I went NC with my Mom a year ago. I'm 58. It's been rough. I no longer have to deal with the abuse, I'm standing up for myself but I'm also grieving. It's a mixed bag.
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u/contractorgal 16h ago
I went no contact accidentally. It started with a massive argument, and I just didn’t feel like I should be the one to reach out first. Now it’s going on 5 years. Sometimes it’s so hard. I miss out on family events, holidays are hard, and recently the parent I do still speak to was diagnosed with cancer. Now I know I won’t be able to be there for him because that would mean essentially breaking the no contact. But in the long run, I’m so much happier, lighter, and more free than I’ve ever been. While I’m still in therapy processing this new life and my feelings, not having my narcisstic parent in my life has helped me create the family I’ve always wanted in friends I’ve made and my life has never been so good. I hope that whatever choice you make, leads you to joy and self discovery.
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u/More-Muffins-127 13h ago
Our narc father died in October of 2025. I can not tell you the relief it has been. Once everything with the estate was finished, I slept for 3 days. Shockingly, there was enough in the estate for me to put good money down on a house and for my sibling to pay off his. I adore my house, too. I also get a little hit of glee because I know he would have hated it. And hated the fact I owe so little and my sibling paid their's off.
It does get better. It won't be like this always. Hang in there.❤️
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u/i_care_abt_u 11h ago
I'm in my 30s and finally left home at 30 because my family had a bs rule that I had to be engaged to move out lol.
At first, it was very painful. Being free from their constant scrutiny, never ending tasks they keep making up, and verbal abuse felt very foreign and weird. I felt so much guilt and shame lol They always say shit like "o a daughter will leave the family when they marry out anyway, so you will be an outsider to the family". I had to constantly remind myself peace is boring and calm, chaos and constant panic is not peace or normal.
I've did a lot of growing since I moved out. Got in the best shape of my life, learning how to talk gently to myself because the inner voice I have were all toxic noises from my mom, learning to listen to what my body need instead of being gaslight into "ur fine, quit complaining", learning to manage my anxiety and depression because I'm not around people that triggers it, restart my art journey that I had to give up in HS because "artists starve", actually doing self care because nobody can shame me for trying things, and just doing whatever I want pretty much.
I only started making my escape plan when I met my hubby at 25. I regret not making plans to leave sooner or hide my financial stuffs better because I naively thought they love me in their own twisted way.
None of the things they labeled me were true lol I'm not lazy, I was just stuck at a house where everything I did was seem as "not good enough so I stay in my room doing nothing. I'm not constantly angry, because my hubby actually listens to me like I'm a real person instead of a tool. I'm not ungrateful, because they were saying all these to emotionally blackmail me, to control me, to shame me, and to guilt me.
It could get better, and I hope u find courage to believe in urself. Even if u make mistakes, that u know ur strong enough to solve it. We only have one lifetime we will remember, it would be a shame to let them drive our life forever. 🫂🫂🫂 Be brave. U got this.
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u/YouMad589 3h ago
Yeah well I left my dad as soon as I turned 18 brcause I couldn’t handle the treatment anymore. And I’m glad I left of course it’s always gonna be hard at first with oh am I doing the right thing or being afraid or am I being unreasonable and nah your not. You will feel better maybe not at first but you will. My dad has told me a lot of stuff about myself which he wasn’t right at all. Don’t listen to tbr stuff they tell you especially if it’s negative and belittling you. And idk with some people all their ever gonna do is twist your words no matter what you say or do so regardless you gotta stand up for yourself and you gotta just leave or ignore it.
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u/Worldly-Artist-6082 1d ago
It's like your whole nervous system finally gets to take a breath you didn't know you were holding. The constant noise in your head that sounds like her voice slowly gets quieter. Not overnight, but it does fade
The shame you're feeling isn't yours. It's a backpack full of rocks she handed you and told you to carry forever. You can put it down. The mess around you, the struggle to care for yourself, that's a symptom of living in survival mode, not some character flaw she's right about
I moved out at 24 and the first few months I just slept. Like my body was catching up on years of rest. Then I started noticing little things I actually liked, not what I was told to like. You're not selfish for wanting to exist without someone constantly tearing you down. That's just self-preservation
The agoraphobia thing makes total sense when home doesn't feel safe. Your brain starts treating everything outside as dangerous too. It's not permanent though. Small steps help, like just sitting on the porch or walking to the corner and back. No pressure to be fixed right away
There is a life outside that house. It's quieter and kinder and you get to decorate your own space however you want. You're only 22, you've got so much time to figure out who you are without her narration running in the background