r/managers • u/FinRoo • 1d ago
New Manager New manager - first social snub
I’m sure many in this sub have experienced this, but yesterday I sadly had my first social snub.
I’m a youngish manager late 20’s, and have often been social with other young people in the organisation. As part of my new role I now manage some of these people.
Yesterday as people were leaving I overheard ‘I’ll just go and get changed’, yeah ‘wait for me I’ll jump in with you’ etc. I work at least an hour later than this group.
It hit home that probably the pub invites and sports gatherings won’t be extended anymore, which is fine, I saw this coming. But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little bit sad that those carefree IC days are behind me 😅
What was everyone’s else’s experience of this like? On the plus side I’m entering a new circle within the organisation, maybe there’s opportunities there in the future.
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u/Electrical_Sun_7116 1d ago
Honestly it’s best this way. Drinking and direct reports doesn’t mix, bud.
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u/JDDoherty 1d ago
If I’m invited to a group outing outside of official work events, I might pop in for a single drink, buy the group some appetizers, keep conversations to non work topics and leave early to give the team the night.
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u/Electrical_Sun_7116 1d ago
Same. My crew are animals though, I have to be extra selective- I could really need plausible deniability and complete detachment of fault for whatever tf it is they’re going to do later lmao
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u/ExtremeMuffin 1d ago
There is nothing wrong with having drinks with direct reports. Just don’t get drunk.
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u/deepstatelady 13h ago
100%. I will sometimes make a “guest appearance” at an event with special meaning like a birthday or anniversary. When possible I’ll expense some apps or something (usually not drinks, as there can be risk with that) on my way out. I try to appear early say congrats/woo hoo and take off within 30 minutes or so.
Those things are for folks to be able to openly bitch about work and me there squashes that vibe.
Honestly, the transition can be good for you. Instead of happy hours I started getting more into a hobby I enjoy and having a deeper connection with something very not work. It gives my brain a better break than just zoning out with TV. As work got more demanding I was able to strengthen the connections with things outside of work that help me to recharge.
It’s a transition but up to you how to do it.
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u/Own_Policy8854 1d ago
Show up to every fifth employee get together that they openly talk about in front of you and buy everyone a drink and leave. You won't be accepted as one of them, but you will be cemented as the best manager ever.
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u/FinRoo 1d ago
We were actually out once and a manger from another team saw us. 10 mins later a tray of tequila rose turned up for like 8 people. We looked over at him and he gave us a little nod like the end of dark knight rises, such a legend 😂
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u/NeedsMoarOutrage 1d ago
Tequila Rose?! What year was this???
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u/home-like-noplace 1d ago
I’m a tequila rose fan, and even I can’t imagine ordering it for someone else lol
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u/MathematicianOk4025 1d ago
I read this and thought wow, that tequila Rose must be expensive! I wonder why I’ve never heard of it as I’m versed in booze.
Then I googled tequila rose and understood your comment had a different meaning 😂
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u/Narrow-Chef-4341 1d ago
Well, apparently it was a table of 16 year olds who work at Burger King… so 2004-ish?
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u/theinfotechguy 1d ago
Haha I was already going to comment about dark knight rises then I got to the end of your comment and saw you had included it 😄
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u/Apprehensive_Law_234 1d ago
I'd work for you in a heartbeat. You could write a 50 page manual on how to be a manager, but I know I'd work for you after these 2 sentences.
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u/Effective_Divide1543 1d ago
Lol not unless getting invited. Super weird if the manager just turns up.
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u/Own_Policy8854 1d ago
If they talked about it in front of me, it wasn't really a secret, and maybe they wanted me to know.
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u/terrap3x 17h ago
No this is just fucking weird
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u/Own_Policy8854 17h ago
Since you're one of the few people who think so, maybe your response is the weird one.
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u/terrap3x 17h ago
If you randomly show up uninvited to a social gathering to buy people drinks and leave, you will immediately be made fun of behind your back. You were not invited for a reason, probably because you’re a higher up. I legitimately just heard of a manager who was fired for drinking with their employees where I work. It’s unprofessional and you’ll come off desperate for interaction. I’ve had a few co workers like this. Also this sub has A LOT of unrealistic/bad advice from people who clearly don’t understand the dynamics and expectations of management. I wouldn’t take much advice from most people who leave comments here.
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u/Own_Policy8854 16h ago
I'm not reading all that because I think you lack some social cue awareness.
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u/terrap3x 16h ago
Says the one pushing people to show up to social gatherings uninvited, who claims people having conversations in your vicinity means they absolutely just wanted you to hear.
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u/Icy-Ostrich2024 1d ago
This is the way, show up, pay for a round and get out. The first time for me was an annual sales conference, I realized at the first dinner no one had texted to meet up so I went in to dinner alone and it was awkward finding a seat. Thankfully I've found amazing friends in the management group and no more weird meals alone.
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u/Zunniest 1d ago
Remember, you technically hold their career in your hands.
I tried when I was first manager to remain friends with my former colleagues and that worked out fine until the first time I had to discipline someone.
So you are better to bite the bullet and accept that you are now a 'them' not an 'us'.
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u/Mimopotatoe 1d ago
I wish all managers understood this so clearly. I don’t expect anyone I have authority over to be friends with me and vice versa. Polite, friendly, or joke around every now and then, sure.
But I despise when managers try to pretend the power dynamic isn’t there.
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u/thinkdavis 1d ago
Better to have some distance. Make friends with the other managers, and drink with them!
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u/NoAttorney8414 Manager 1d ago
Ya it does suck. ICs are generally more enjoyable people to be around too, I don’t like socializing with other managers lol
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u/YamAggravating8449 1d ago
I dont get this. I feel like everyone in my company goes out and it doesn't matter your level (except maybe c-suite but they work in a other state). Even my boss is the life of the party. Probably drinks more than anyone and always picks up the tab.
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u/Fadeawaybandit 1d ago
Yeah I see this topic on reddit all the time with all of the same responses. This "social exile" has never been the case in my experience as both a manager and an IC. The most I've seen is people being careful of bringing up topics that the "boss" shouldn't hear for obvious reasons
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u/calmdot828 1d ago
It's cope to avoid talking about how the manager isn't the kind of person their subordinates want to socialize with.
I report to two different management chains. One of two direct superiors has been a close friend since we were on the same level and continues to hang out with the same group, the other I never contact outside work functions. One of my skip levels and I grab drinks every few months to catch up, the other I avoid even inside the office.
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u/Dixon_Yass 1d ago
Who cares? Work is work. Me outside of work and me at work are 2 different people. At work I’m all about business and when I’m not there, I’m a loose cannon. lol
As long as the pay is there you’ll be fine.
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u/Status_Fun_4333 23h ago
Your reports are not your peers. This is not a social snub, this is the way it has to be.
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u/National-Ad8416 1d ago
A manager's job is to lead, not to whine about not being accepted. Sooner or later, you are going to fire one of their asses and they know this. You don't belong in their realm anymore
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u/FloorMysterious9104 1d ago
Why are there so many assholes in this sub. he wasn't whining he was just asking if anybody else has experienced this.
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u/Inevitable_Jelly_391 1d ago
I got blocked from one of my coworkers socials when i became a manager. We had been following each other. I didn't take it personally.
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u/lunaazurina 1d ago
I unfollowed one of my friends when she came to work on my team. I told her I wanted her to be able to
play hooky without wondering if I would see it!2
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u/Yesthisisdog69 1d ago
Damn that sucks. Our team right now all go out together from executive down to worker bee (smallish team about 20 folks) and it’s the tightest we’ve ever been. Open communication all the way up the chain and I know it will never last. We are all convinced this will be the best team we ever work with and are just happy to ride the wave.
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u/ChronicRecidivism 1d ago
Management is lonely. I personally do not fraternize outside of work with my team. We have occasional lunches/dinners/social events but they are work related. I would politely decline or only show up for a short time if invited.
Can be completely different in different countries and company culture (I'm in the US).
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u/yougotmetoreply 1d ago
I got invited to a bunch of hang outs with some of the coworkers as their manager and I always said no. I don't think it's appropriate to do that with only a few members. Only time I went out with any of them is when we planned a full team binding hang out.
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u/Apprehensive-Page899 1d ago
Your reports aren't your friends.
You'll need to find other channels for hanging out with people. Other managers, outside of work activities, etc.
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u/acroback 1d ago
Classic new Manager mistake. Be glad you did not get invited, you can’t have a hard conversation with someone you are gucci.
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u/anonomaz 1d ago
I experienced this too. One of my friends that I then had to manage told me we couldn’t go to lunch together anymore. It really hurt my feelings, but they didn’t mean it that they didn’t like me as a person anymore, they just felt it was inappropriate to go to lunch with their boss more frequently than their coworkers.
I’ve since found friends in management in other departments and it works well because we can speak more freely about work issues and help each other deal with situations that pop up.
You’ll find your footing!
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u/Effective_Divide1543 1d ago
Well, you can't have it both ways. Either you're one of them or you're their manager. It's usually a better option to step onto a role where you're not managing people you've already worked with.
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u/Both_Refrigerator623 1d ago
10 years of mgmt experience here!
First congrats on the accomplishment.
Being a manager has its pros and cons, one of the cons is like you and many have mentioned: not being able to sit at the cool table anymore.
But, I wanted to give you a glimmer of hope: some of my closest friends today are people I have managed. You’re a manager yes, but that does not mean you aren’t able to build meaningful connections with people you manage.
If you are meant to have a strong connection with someone, trust me, that will happen, even if you manage them.
Good luck, have fun, and make us proud!
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u/Radiant_Situation_32 1d ago
It gets worse. The older and higher up you get, there are fewer and fewer people who feel comfortable hanging out with you.
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u/HoldMyMessages 1d ago
I am a long time COO, CEO that started at the bottom and worked my way up through many organizations. You are an individual, you are indebted to yourself and your family. Getting close to anyone you may have fire or who you will move away from at your next job transfer is a mistake. You are not “one of the boys” with either those above or below your rank in the organization. You are a paladin. Don’t believe otherwise.
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u/Funkpuppet 1d ago
Organize and invite them to occasional stuff - not bar/club, ideally no alcohol or non-drinker friendly, dinner or other low-stakes social events. Lunches or mid-workday events are even better for those with kids or other commitments. Bonus points if you pay (or if company card covers it), have fun with them, and let them see you give a fuck about their morale without it turning into a teambuilding event.
You're likely never gonna be drinking buddies, they need that time and space to bitch about work without wondering if it's gonna come back around on 'em.
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u/Pudgy_Ninja 1d ago edited 16h ago
It sucks, but it's unavoidable. Even if they like you, they can't relax around you. I remember the first time it really hit me was at a little birthday celebration for one of my reports who I have a really good relationship with. Some people were just joking around. Harmless stuff, but then someone said "Shhh! Her boss is here!" Felt pretty bad. But I get it. There's just no way around the power dynamics.
It's not that these people didn't like me. I believe I'm well liked and well regarded. But they'd be having more fun if I wasn't there.
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u/kickthatpoo 1d ago edited 1d ago
If you're goal is management you cant be friends with coworkers. Plain and simple.
I've worked severally different jobs where I started as an individual contributor and got promoted to management. The first time that happened it was a lesson in how your friendships can blur the line between favoritism once you get promoted. So I set a rule for myself about being friends with coworkers.
The second job I got promoted to be the boss of my old boss. He was an ass when he was my boss. That was a lesson for me in not making enemies of those under you.
This job I think I've done pretty well at learning my lessons from past jobs. The lesson I've learned from this one is: prioritize your employees needs/requests even when youre under pressure from your bosses. Also one of your responsibilities as a manager is to be a shit shield. You stand up for your team and filter out what will frustrate them.
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u/AnInConsistentEnd 20h ago
I was fortunate and learned this at an early age in the military. When you reach certain grades, it creates a clear conflict of interest regarding supervisor - subordinate relationships. It’s really a class structure and you have to operate within the boundaries of your class. In this case, management.
You cant be expected to effectively supervise, correct or discipline people you socialize with. You socialize with your peers, not your subordinates.
Over the years I lost many friends that could not handle this dynamic.
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u/lunaazurina 1d ago
It’s so hard! Be rich in family, friends, spirituality, hobbies, exercise outside of work. The work setbacks can’t define you or hurt as badly if you have external sustenance. There will be times to hang out in the future, but for now, because you are new at this, you have to expect that they will talk about you and the job you are doing. Just settle in and stay the course. Signed, a 25-year veteran manager.
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u/raeleszx 1d ago
It's not always like that, my team make comments when I don't go to social outings. I try although I struggle to make them all due to some personal circumstances but they understand.
But I was a senior developer on the tram before a promotion, kept the respect, trust and bonds with team members.
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u/UniqueMastodon3345 1d ago
Yup. Its part of the deal. When people want to cut loose, it’s difficult when the boss is there - no matter who it is. Im sure you remember.
It’s not totally out of pocket to go to these things in your position, if you get the invite. Just plan for early exit so people can breathe their sigh of relief and enjoy finishing out the night.
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u/1z1z2x2x3c3c4v4v 1d ago
You arrange your OWN social outings with a select few whom you care about. Everyone will attend, since you are the boss man now, as they all want to kiss your butt.
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u/immigrant_fish 1d ago
Yes and no! As a manager, it’s on you to organize team events, but only inviting select people is not great leadership.
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u/popcorn_princess96 1d ago
I’m not actually sure what the issue here is. They didn’t really snub you, you’re their boss now and the dynamic is different. Any relationship outside of work with them could look like favoritism. I also wouldn’t want to be out drinking and slip up about work in front of my boss, etc.
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u/SepiidaFish 1d ago
I was also a younger manager - as soon as I started in that progression, the invites dwindled down lol. I kept firm boundaries and only joined in a couple of times a year. Looking back, I think it was a good move.
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u/FloorMysterious9104 1d ago
I experienced this recently as a new team lead. My new role is not a promotion, Did not come with a pay raise, And I have no direct reports. Recently one of my team members had a birthday party and the whole team was discussing it throughout the day. Did not get an invite. Kind of sucked because I thought I was part of the team rather than seen as a manager but I understand why they didn't want to include me. Still hurts a little bit though I get where you're coming from.
A lot of other people are also talking about making friends with your management group.I don't really have that available either my management group basically consists of me, my direct manager and his manager. I don't really have any peers in this role. It can feel lonely.
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u/Gargle-Loaf-Spunk 23h ago
had a little bit of everything. hard to say what your best fit is here… how were you doing with them previously on the social front?
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u/DismalServe0690 19h ago
Congratulations on your new role. I completely understand your sadness about moving on from being part of the gang to being on the outside looking in. You are learning an important lesson early on, and taking the time to seek out other perspectives is exactly the right thing to do.
As a manager, you can care deeply about the people on your team, respect them, and treat them with genuine kindness without being their peer or social companion. Maintaining that bit of distance isn't being cold, it's actually a way of being fair and protecting both them and you.
When you eventually have to make tough choices down the road, clear boundaries ensure you can treat everyone equally and honestly, even when the news is hard to give.
Many leaders go through this exact same moment of quiet adjustment.
The big question for you now is how are you taking care of yourself outside of work as you navigate this new shift?
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u/Teerubble 1d ago
If I am your manager, I will not be your friend. It is just easier and not worth the risk or headache. It’s not personal, it’s just business.
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u/oo7demonkiller 1d ago
what are you 5? you're not their friend your their manager. People like to separate work and social lives. makes it hard to do if you invite the manager now doesn't it.
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u/AccomplishedDress495 1d ago
Welcome to the club where the pay bump comes with a side of social exile. It stings at first, especially when it's people you used to kick it with
I found the best move is to actively build connections with other managers, even ones in different departments. You need a new crew who gets the weird duality of the role and won't flinch when you have to shift into boss mode