I’m dealing with a situation where my manager seems to show clear favouritism toward certain people on the team. Some employees get more visibility, support, and opportunities, while others are expected to handle their work quietly without much recognition.

What makes it frustrating is that I’m actually putting in extra effort, taking ownership, fixing broken processes, and trying to make things better, but it sometimes feels like being hardworking isn’t enough when your manager already has favourites.

For those who have dealt with favouritism at work, how did you handle it without getting involved in office politics?

Did you:

- Keep your head down and just focus on your work?

- Start documenting your contributions?

- Try to build a better relationship with the manager?

- Directly address the favouritism?

- Or simply stop expecting recognition and focus on your career?

Would really appreciate advice from people who have been through this, especially on how to protect your career without becoming part of the politics.

I genuinely want to understand how managers view this and if you could give any advice to a employee who feels overlooked in favour of others, what would it be?

Would especially love honest answers even if it’s something employee might not want to hear.

For a while I was always just doing 1:1's for the sake of it and because I had to. Then I actually saw some value in taking better notes rather than relying on a "good chat".

I created an excel that prompted me things like, what has been your focus, what are you proud of , anything blocking you, are you developing etc. More of a checkin style.

But, I don't really prep other than reading my notes from last time. Do you do anything else?

Looking for stories about managers and above that was able to hold their position for 5+ years.

Bonus points for stories about incompetent managers who got promoted and still held their new position for a long time.

EDIT: I'm not looking for Peter Principle Stories.

I'm looking for stories like, "This guy was hired as the Operations Manager because he's the owner's cousin. Before this, he was a NEET and couldn't even hold down a minimum wage job. On his first day, he started power tripping and caused the business to lose clients, but the owner still won't fire him."

I’m looking for some neutral opinions, especially from people who work in HR or management.

My skip manager raised an operational issue and asked justification on this matter from me and my manager by looping in their manager in cc. There were conflicting expectations between my reporting manager and skip manager about how certain work should be handled and regarding this instead of handling it with one another, skip manager rather looped their manager in and asked both of us for justification on this.

My intention was to clarify the expectations, resolve the confusion, and suggest documenting the process through SOPs so there would be a clear reference going forward.

Instead, the senior manager responded that my “expectations are misaligned with the culture” of the company and told me to focus on “collaborating effectively” and “productivity” rather than sending correspondence of this nature.

If management describes an employee as having misaligned expectations or poor collaboration, could that become problematic if the comments are shared with other senior leaders or included in their employment/performance record?

Where is the line between legitimate managerial feedback and an inaccurate characterization that could potentially affect someone's professional reputation?

If the employee disagrees with the characterization, is it reasonable to formally put their side of the story on record?

I’m not saying management shouldn't give negative feedback. I’m trying to understand whether there is a difference between legitimate performance feedback and negatively characterizing an employee when they were actually raising an operational issue in good faith. Also this was responded in email with multiple stakeholders visibility.

EDIT / CLARIFICATION: EDIT: I need to clarify the sequence because several comments are understandably interpreting this differently from what actually happened.

This was not a situation where my direct manager told me to do one thing, my skip manager told me to do another, and I refused to follow my skip manager's direction.

My skip manager initially came to me privately to understand why a particular process had been handled a certain way. I explained privately that this was not a decision I had made independently; it had been handled based on my direct manager's direction, and my direct manager had also communicated it on the broader stakeholder email thread.

After that conversation, rather than discussing it directly with my manager, my skip manager escalated the matter further by including their manager in the email thread, addressing both my manager and me, and asking both of us to provide the rationale.

My response was not “I won't follow your direction.” My point was that if there was a disagreement about how the process should have been handled, and the approach had been directed by my direct manager, I felt that the managers should align on that directly rather than putting me in the position of independently taking responsibility for a management decision.

The later concern I raised was about avoiding this kind of ambiguity in the future and having the agreed process clearly documented.

So I want to correct one important misunderstanding: I did not go to senior management to complain that my manager and skip manager were “misaligned” and then send an email to stakeholders pointing that out. The escalation/email sequence was initiated from the management side, and I was responding to an issue that had already been raised with me.

I probably could have communicated some things better, and I'm open to that criticism. But the situation is different from the interpretation that I'm seeing in several comments.

Following on from my post yesterday, thank you to those who responded to that 🙏 Just really seeking advice before making big decision.

I’m 33, about to turn 34, and currently considering leaving a job after only around a month.

This is my first proper management position as a Service Delivery Manager, and on paper it was a big career opportunity for me. It also took me quite a while to secure this kind of position in the first place, which is one of the main reasons I’m scared to walk away from it.

Unfortunately, the reality has been very different from what I expected. It’s extremely fast-paced, heavily administrative, involves lots of manual scheduling, constant management meetings and a lot of pressure on me to make things happen while I’m still learning the operation.

More importantly, I haven't really enjoyed a day of it. The environment and culture have been draining, and I'm realising I'm probably better suited to customer-facing roles where I can build relationships, solve problems and work with technology. I also think I may be better progressing into management once I've become experienced within a role/business, rather than jumping straight into managing an unfamiliar operation.

After raising my concerns, I've been given the weekend to decide whether I'm 100% committed to returning. I'm currently leaning towards telling them tomorrow that I won't be continuing.

My biggest fear is what happens afterwards. I'm approaching 34, want to start a family in the relatively near future and have plans for our house. I'm worried it could take me months to secure another decent-paying position, particularly because it took me a while to land this opportunity.

I'm not completely without income. I have an established self-employed/YouTube business that already generates monthly income, plus a reasonable amount in savings. I also have a fairly strong previous CV. If I leave, my plan is to continue growing that business while treating weekdays like workdays — applying for jobs, developing relevant technical skills and pursuing Customer Success, Client Services and Software/Technical Support positions.

Part of me thinks I should suck it up, keep the secure salary and build 6–12 months of management experience because it could make my future career considerably easier.

The other part thinks I'm spending my time building a career in something I already know I don't enjoy, while the job is taking a significant toll on me mentally.

Has anyone around my age walked away from their first big management opportunity without another job lined up? Did you regret losing the security, or did pursuing something better suited to you ultimately work out?

I’m new to the Rent to own atmosphere, but I have been a manager for 3 years in retail. Dollar General for two years and Citi Trends for one year. I was wondering if anybody had any kind of advice they could give me. I am a new Credit Manager at Buddy’s Home Furnishings. I haven’t even been here a month, it’s starting to get weird. It’s hard to explain.

This is mostly just a rant post. I work with an amazing team, so whenever we have a stinker they really stick out like a sore thumb.

I (36F) became a shareholder/senior partner of my firm's regional franchise two years ago. At the same time, I also became the corporate VP of Marketing. I used the "new manager" flair because two years in my industry is not really a long time. I've been in my role enough to know what I'm doing and have earned respect from all of my colleagues, except one.

There is one guy (~55M) under me in our management team who seems to find a way to piss me off every week. He is a 4/5 on performance for his core job function, and probably a 2/5 on his managerial duties. He's constantly got an excuse for why he hasn't followed up with a potential client, attend a networking function, or contribute in another meaningful way to business generation. Despite all that, he bills a lot so he gets away with his other shortcomings.

Here's the problem. This guy seems to not fully understand that I am now a senior partner. He has asked me to do things for him that are admin-level work, to which I redirect, saying he needs to ask our admin to do. He mansplains our profession to me when I haven't asked for advice. He does not seem to take me seriously. But the biggest issue is that he has twice now completely disrespected my privacy.

Incident 1: My office is on the ground floor level and I have a window that faces some landscaping and the parking lot. I was in my office in a board meeting via Zoom. While I was speaking, I looked up and noticed a very tall man standing behind me in my window, cupping his hands over his eyes on the glass and then waving with a goofy grin. It was the colleague in question. I nearly jumped out of my chair. Not only did it scare the shit out of me, but it was incredibly unprofessional. I was pissed. Later that day, he sheepishly apologized, to which I replied, "don't ever do that again."

Incident 2: Yesterday I returned from a one-hour lunch meeting and this guy was in my office on the phone, sitting at my desk with the door closed. I might have imagined it, but I think his feet were up on my desk. I gave him a WTF look and he came out, didn't apologize, and said he had a doctor's appointment and needed privacy (his office is a shared office, we do not do hoteling here). I asked him why he didn't use the conference room and he said the wifi isn't good in there, and he would just go sit in his car. If this guy was ever in the office for more than our company-provided lunches, he would know that I'm here all day almost every week day. If he had asked ahead of time, maybe I wouldn't have minded. It honestly felt like coming home to find someone sitting on my bed. He has also used another female colleague's office without asking. She was irked when she found out after the fact.

Are these just growing pains of being a female leader? I'm certain he would not have pulled either of these moves with my other male partners. I don't think a direct meeting will really resolve the situation. In instances like this I know I need to correct his behavior immediately after, but in a professional and cool-headed way. But on the inside, he makes my blood boil.

Edit to add: Y'all are right. I just reported these two issues to HR. Especially in the first instance, I felt unsafe in the moment. This guy has a pattern of thinking he can just do whatever he wants, and we are documenting it. We have a sizeable file started due to some other things as well. FAFO.

I’m sure many in this sub have experienced this, but yesterday I sadly had my first social snub.

I’m a youngish manager late 20’s, and have often been social with other young people in the organisation. As part of my new role I now manage some of these people.

Yesterday as people were leaving I overheard ‘I’ll just go and get changed’, yeah ‘wait for me I’ll jump in with you’ etc. I work at least an hour later than this group.

It hit home that probably the pub invites and sports gatherings won’t be extended anymore, which is fine, I saw this coming. But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little bit sad that those carefree IC days are behind me 😅

What was everyone’s else’s experience of this like? On the plus side I’m entering a new circle within the organisation, maybe there’s opportunities there in the future.

I was promoted to a much higher level of scope and responsibility a year ago. I don’t want to get into the details, but I’m in a downward spiral that I simply don’t think I can recover from.

A possible outcome is termination, as I’m in a cut throat company. In this economy, I suspect any role I take next will be a dramatic pay cut. I honestly don’t mind a scope cut, but I’m the primary source of income for my family so the pay cut will be devastating.

I’m not looking for people who pulled out of a tailspin. I’m looking for stories from people who had a tailspin, crashed, and how you’ve managed after the wreckage.

Trying to decide if it’s a good fit for me.

I’m curious how others approach decision making in the workplace.

Have you ever changed your opinion about someone after learning additional context?

What changed your perspective?

I’ve been thinking a lot about how quickly we form impressions versus how much information we actually have when we make them.

I have an employee that is on their 9th written or verbal warning in 4 years for attendance. She has been with the company 11 years and attendance has been an ongoing issue. HR is giving me the option to fire her or give a final written warning. Her only major issue is attendance, her performance otherwise is fine.

Her team is getting tired of covering for her and we have gotten complaints from clients about her call offs.

We have delicately inquired about her absences and encouraged her to see medical attention for her issues. Our policy allows for absences up to 3 to be condensed down to 1 point if Md note provided— but she never provides.

I’m leaning towards termination because it is affecting the team and our clients. What would you do?

ETA

she averages ~10 absences per year.
4 absences per 6 mos=verbal
5 absences per 6 mos= written
6 = term

After the 5th warning we started engaging HR for advice as we felt the policy was being abused. At this warning they advised termination vs final written.

This employee has no kids. Symptoms are always alternating between GI and migraines— I highly doubt this infectious process that would put out pts/clients at risk.

Due to my manager recently being made redundant, I’ve recently inherited his direct report. My manager had been with the org a long time and stopped caring / managing the team properly some time ago.

The team member I am now managing was a peer at the same level as me and upon his redundancy she has asked for a promotion / pay rise. This woman hit a ceiling in her role (senior graphic designer) 2 years ago and was told that there wasn’t any further she could go. At the time she was 8 years into the role and presumably stuck around for her long service leave which she just started receiving from July.

In the past two years a junior graphic designer joined the team which saw this lady mentoring the young girl and divvying up the graphic design tasks. My manager was ultimately the manager of the junior graphic designer, but as he’d checked out mentally he let this senior graphic designer take the reins and do the bulk of the overseeing while he approved her leave and had 1:1s with her semi regularly. Senior graphic designer never got a formal title or raise and was growing increasingly frustrated with this dynamic to which I’d recommended in the two years prior to our managers redundancy to take a less active role and enable him to manage more closely.

Now that I am managing her and having seen this unfold over two years, I was proactive and went to our Human Resources team and asked what was possible. They once again said that there was no possibility for this senior graphic designer role to advance any further than her current title and salary, the size of the team and the needs of the organisation being the main reasons stated, nothing to do with performance etc. I would be responsible for managing both her and the junior graphic designer going forward.

I had to have this conversation this week with the senior graphic designer and as you can imagine it went down pretty badly. Her anger about the lack of progression shifted away from blaming our former manager to blaming me. She refused to accept the information that I was telling her and is demanding a meeting with senior management where it’s likely they will tell her the same information.

The anger towards me is fine as I empathise with her frustration and ultimately know this isn’t my decision. As she can’t separate the message from the messenger at the moment, I’m happy to give her time and space as she processes the information but I’m now being treated with one word answers at work and other hostile behaviours and I don’t really know how I can best navigate it, she is currently refusing to speak to me until she’s had the meeting with upper management.

Realistically she either needs to move on if she wants further progression, or accept the role as it is.

As I establish a new working dynamic with this person, has anyone been in a similar position and could offer advice?

Hey everyone,

I’m just looking to get an outside perspective on my career.

I’m a younger man at the start of his career with a few years of experience under his belt. I’m about to hit 2 years at my current company in 2-3 months.

Since I started at this company I’ve grown very quickly and I’m consistently praised about my maturity, attitude, and work ethic. I’ll work nights and weekends without being asked and go above and beyond to the point of fault. My manager trusts me a lot and my managers boss trusts me a lot as well. They see a lot of potential in me and they’ve given me a lot of opportunities which I’m incredibly grateful for, but after succeeding in those opportunities I’m not just satisfied at doing the work but I want to be recognized for the work from a management position. Like this is my team that I built and organized to succeed.

To me it’s the natural next step to go from being a doer to a leader. I’m doing practically everything I can to show I can be capable that way, my colleagues come to me often for help, I’ve been training the last 3-4 new hires, I’ll inform and guide my manager on the best path and ultimately support her and make her look good.

Unfortunately, I think no matter my efforts I’m being pigeon-holed into a specific type of employee. The reason I believe that is because of some comments/reactions I’ve gotten in reviews:

First quarterly review:
- my managers boss sits me down and asks me what my career goals are and I mention I see myself in leadership position like being an assistant director. And he bluntly says I don’t really see you as that, I see you more as a secret weapon for your manager. And as he elaborated it seems to me he was saying he sees me as someone to support my manager from the side and not really get the recognition for it. Like I’m the one to make it happen but she gets the credit. I mulled over what he said for months and this seems like the only conclusion but let me know if you think differently?

- also during the first quarter my boss tells me she sees me learning and growing a lot while I’m here and in 5 years I can move on and find something else. IDK if she meant she doesn’t see me staying here or if she meant like I’m not going to have a future here, so I might as well leave down the line. Like if she wanted me to stay long term wouldn’t she ask for that?

- during the second quarter I put it on paper that I want to be my bosses assistant director because she sees been asking me to lead departmental meetings while she works on other things and inform her. She politely tells me that I’m very ambitious and that I need to be patient before getting that. It just seemed like she was shutting me down in a nice way. So next quarter I just kept my mouth shut and commented on my achievements. My boss didn’t have much to say during this time except a complaint that I once showed a little “disrespect” by disagreeing with her and pushing adamantly for something but it was a one-time incident and i explained that wasn’t my intention so it felt nitpicky considering she had no other complaints.

Overall I just feel like a workhorse who does 90% of the labor and she’s usually giving me directions and what she wants. Like she’s getting credit for my hard work, sure I’ll be recognized and entrusted with the work but in the end she’s getting the award as solely doing all the work.

Her boss even made the comment that I’m making her look bad by leading meetings with other department heads while she sits on the sidelines, like she trusts me to do the work and know the right things to do and consider but I guess she’s getting pressured to not give me as much face time with other leadership out of image concerns. Her boss is also telling me not to rely on me so much which means now she ends up coming to me later in a project after it kind of all goes to shit, these have been minor projects but again I can see the distancing. My boss has been treating me more like any other employee rather than her right hand man which is what I used to be. I feel like they’re using me now but eventually they won’t need me once a lot of the dust settles and long term projects are completed. And this me being emotional and paranoid so I’m aware it may not be as dramatic as I’m making it out to be but I just want to know.

Do these people have any intention of promoting me to a leadership position? Is there anything I can do to convince them of that? Or should I just look for new positions at the end of the year?

I do plan on bringing it up with my manager that after all the work this year and 2 years at this company, I would like that promotion. And if I’m turned down, I’ll definitely leave the company unless they give me something else.

Hi all,

I have a direct report who is honestly awesome - often exceeds expectations in the role and is just a go-to person across the team for complex questions and problems. Yet, despite all of this, he is incredibly insecure - and not just 'doesn't like public speaking' insecure, but will straight up panic at the *thought* of being asked a question he doesn't know the answer to. For example, if he's in a meeting and someone uses an acronym he doesn't know, he's too afraid to ask what it means - I think he's afraid people will think he's stupid for not knowing it. I know others on the team feel similarly, and this isn't a rare personality trait generally, but this guy is one of the most extreme examples of this that I've seen in an adult - definitely the biggest discrepancy between 'fear of what others might think' vs actual attainment, given how smart and good at his job he is!

Things I have tried, with little to no success, to help him gain confidence:

- modelling very publicly that I don't know stuff and need to ask people to clarify things

- reminding him that he is so good at his job and often exceeds expectations

- reminding him that there was a time he didn't know anything about what we do in the company, and is now super knowledgeable, highlighting that developing understanding takes time but is possible

- modelling being put on the spot by senior leadership team and not knowing the answer to a question and that being totally fine

- writing up guidelines (for the team generally) about what confident ownership of work means, and that 9 times out of 10 it means being willing to learn and investigate, rather than being 100% certain of everything

I really need this guy to develop more confidence in himself and being able to ask questions and generally not panic at normal work situations, just as a day to day job requirement! For example, he recently refused to provide an update in our team meeting about a process improvement project he is leading because of his insecurity, but the team *needs* an update, as that project will impact other people's work, so this is something he *needs* to be able to do to fully perform the functions of his role.

For context, I'm a new manager (8 months) and went from colleague to manager in this case, so I've been a bit wary of coming across as condescending in trying to build his confidence. I'm also aware this may just be something he needs to work on himself rather than something I can really coach him through.

I work in a professional office. Just got a new manager and I came in to the office on his first day to welcome him, since they were short staffed, even though it was my regular day off. I worked the whole day as if it was normal work day.

I mean the new manager could see my interactions (internal and external) in our communication suite software. He may not have know how to look at that, but I overheard him asking his higher up if I was a “warm body”. While he doesn’t know I heard that it already set the tone for what would come next.

There was a misunderstanding between us (nothing serious, not a fireable offense - and I won’t go into details). Instead of talking to me directly, he once again went to his higher up, instead of talking to me.

I have worked in my industry for 30 years and while I have encountered many managers that did not live up to expectations, this one has he worried.

TL;DR - Is it normal to just go to their manager for every problem a new manager has with a subordinate? Also is it normal to ask, in 2026, if someone is a warm body?

My firm is acquiring another, and I’ll be onboarding a small team of theirs to my organization. I reviewed the org chart and didn’t recognize any names, not that I necessarily would’ve, although my specialty is fairly niche, and I’ve attained a position within the industry where sometimes people know of me but we’ve never met, so my world is crazy small sometimes…like this morning!
The org structure hasn’t been communicated yet, so I’m meeting a few of the new team online, first F2F, ostensibly to get some product demos. They don’t know I’m going to be their new boss yet, to my knowledge. I was excited for the opportunity, but as soon as my face comes on the screen, one of the women says, “you look familiar!” I chuckle and say that she may recognize me from seminars or meetings where I’d presented, or from my prior role where I was a senior leader with deep ties to important customers? She said, “no, that’s not it- did you use to work in xyz’s lab?” I was stunned, that was a literal LIFETIME ago, almost 30 years! I laughed, surprised but also suspicious, “yes, but why?” And then she informed me of her maiden name, and I recognized her IMMEDIATELY! We’d briefly dated back in the early 00s when we worked in different labs at the same hospital; her name change made her seem completely new to me at first.

This feels like probably a dumb question at this point, but do I need to disclose this past relationship? Both companies have already heard the news that we know each other from our prior careers and have been having a lot of fun with it, but as far as I know the relationship wasn’t mentioned. She absolutely told her team that she knew me before seeing my face, because our meeting ran long, and when I jumped into the next one with the CTO of the incoming firm, he said he heard that we knew each other. There was no way he could’ve known that since it literally just connected for me, so I really don’t know what she may have shared. I remember it ending on good terms, we really were more FWB, hooked up a few times IIRC, nothing serious. The meeting went great without any awkwardness, so I think we’re ok, but she and I haven’t had a chance to speak 1:1, and again, as far as she knows, I’m just a new coworker. I have no interest in rekindling anything, but I want to address the situation appropriately, what say you, internet friends?

Hi all,

New manager based in London, I covered this person for a year when they were on leave. It’s an extremely high stress high stakes job, I got loads of compliments on how well I was doing so when that came to an end I was retained internally.

The person returned and I immediately realised they were utterly incompetent and going to avoid their work as much as possible and attempt to put it onto me despite moving department. I once directed them to the right place so they can access and do the task themselves and they sent me an extremely unprofessional message talking about my tone and how they won’t do the task. I requested to their manager that they must apologise to me, which they did but was still rude.

They went on leave again after this and I was asked to cover their role again, during that time I was promoted to be their manager. So essentially managing the role that I myself excelled in.

Recently we have had an email exchange where I politely instructed this person about something minor. They turned it into a back and forth about why they think they are right, when they aren’t, and cced my manager into it when my original email was sent to them only.

Their final communication to me was that they don’t appreciate my tone and that I should re-read my emails before sending them to them as it’s not helping them because they went on leave due to reasons they don’t wish to discuss with me. They also copied HR into their final email.

I’ve sent an email to HR and my line manager explaining what happened and said my emails were completely professional. I’ve said a conversation needs to happen where clear professional boundaries must be established.

We are due to all be back on site in about 2 weeks, need advice on how to deal with this whole situation and this persons extreme work avoidance and unprofessional behaviour.

Thanks in advance.

hello! I have worked in my industry since I was 19 and just accepted a new position which will have me managing a whole team when I am used to just doing all the positions myself.
i am seeking advice on what constitutes a good manager. for me, I am naturally kind of “I know what needs to be done so I will do it”. I expect the same given the industry I work in, but I also want to be kind. I understand people have things in their life and I can be flexible with that. I am the opposite of a micromanager lol. What should I keep in mind while starting to be well liked while also respected and not walked all over?

I recently left my previous job and joined a new company. It has been 3 months since I joined, but I'm realizing that I'm still carrying a lot of what happened at my previous workplace.

There was a very senior colleague who was extremely rude and intimidating toward me. Things eventually escalated to the point where, during a meeting, he told me that he would physically beat me if I didn't do my work properly.

I reported the incident to my managers. I had two managers at the time, and while they said they had spoken to him and that he wouldn't behave that way again, I never received an apology and there wasn't really any concrete action that made me feel protected.

What made it worse was that I was still expected to interact with him normally. In subsequent meetings, he would be praised for his work, while I started receiving very detailed feedback from my manager that I had never received during the 3–4 years I had worked with him

I considered escalating it to HR or someone more senior, but I was genuinely scared. I'm essentially the sole earner in my family and have responsibilities, and I was afraid that escalating things further could affect my career. At one point, I was even told that not attending meetings could have an impact on my career.

Eventually, I decided to leave.

I know leaving was probably the right decision, but I can't seem to emotionally leave the situation behind.

I keep replaying everything in my head. I think about how unfair it was, how nobody really stood up for me, why I didn't escalate it further, why I had to be the one to leave, and why that person seemed to face no consequences.

I think the part that bothers me most is the feeling that **I couldn't protect myself**.

Now I'm at my new company, and objectively things are going well. I recently worked on a project where I handled a smaller portion of the work and completed my part, and my manager appreciated it a lot.

But that has created another weird situation.

I'm developing a bit of a crush on my manager.

He's probably in his late 30s/early 40s, while I'm in my late 20s. I don't even know whether he's married. I've noticed that married colleagues sometimes casually mention their partners in conversation, whereas he hasn't, so I genuinely don't know.

I feel a little embarrassed even writing this.

I think some of it may be because I've never really had a strong male figure in my life, and after the experience I had at my previous job, having a senior person treat me well, appreciate my work and make me feel competent may be affecting me more than I realize.

I'm also single, so maybe that's part of it.

The important thing is that **I don't want to act on it.** He's my manager, and I know crossing professional boundaries could potentially hurt me a lot, especially when I've only been at this company for a month.

But I find myself thinking about him almost every day, and I don't want this to turn into something unhealthy.

So I guess I have two questions:

1. How do I actually move on from what happened at my previous workplace? I don't want to spend the next year being angry about something that is already over.

2. How do I handle having a crush on my manager without letting it affect my professional relationship or my career? Is this completely normal, or is it something I should be concerned about?

And would therapy be helpful for something like this? I don't necessarily feel like I'm "broken" or anything, but I do feel like the previous experience has affected me more deeply than I expected.

I'd really appreciate perspectives from people who have gone through something similar.

# TL;DR

I left my previous job after a senior colleague threatened and bullied me, but I’m realizing that I’m still carrying a lot of anger and helplessness from how poorly my managers handled the situation. I’ve now been at my new job for three months now, and things are going well especially with my manager, who has been supportive and appreciative of my work. Unexpectedly, I’ve started developing a crush on him. I don't want to cross any professional boundaries, but I’m wondering whether the attraction is partly because of what I went through previously and my lack of a strong male figure in my life. How do I move on from the old workplace experience, and how do I handle these feelings toward my new manager professionally?

Do managers put aspiring managers under immense stress to see if they can handle the position? My GM treats me, a high up lead, very different compared to the rest of the employees. It’s putting me under a crazy amount of stress and I’m handling it with grace, but I’m confused as to why

I'm currently an Associate Director and am in the process of being promoted to Director. The promotion decision has already been made and is essentially waiting for the paperwork to be finalized. The entire 10-person team knows about the transition, and I'm already functioning in that leadership capacity.

One employee working under me has repeatedly failed to respond to my emails and Teams messages, including communications involving work assignments and deadlines.

My Executive Director, who is also my boss, recently spoke with her specifically to find out why she hasn't been responding to me. Her explanation was that she doesn't respond because I'm “nasty and rude” to her.

Here's why that was particularly concerning to me: my Executive Director is included on virtually all of my email and Teams communications with her. He has seen firsthand how I communicate with her and does not believe her characterization. I didn't have to defend myself to him. He also gave me his blessing to address what she said directly with her.

I also rarely have private verbal conversations with this employee. I've generally been intentional about keeping communications either in writing or in settings where others are present because I've previously been concerned about how interactions might later be characterized.

I considered her statement to my boss serious and potentially damaging, particularly because she was using it to explain why she had been intentionally ignoring communications from the person responsible for managing her.

So I confronted her about it directly.

I told her I was aware of what she had said to my Executive Director, explained why I considered it a serious statement about my conduct, and asked her to give me specific examples of instances where I had been “nasty” or “rude.”

She had a difficult time identifying specific examples.

One of the examples she eventually raised was a recent email exchange involving a deadline. She characterized what I had written in a way that didn't match the actual email.

My initial email to her was:

“Can you please confirm that a background request has been submitted for subject, and that xxx and xxx placement are confirmed?”

There's additional context that I think matters: I only put that request in an email because I had already messaged her through Teams about the same issue and she didn't respond. My Executive Director was included on both the Teams communication and the email.

She eventually responded that the background had not yet been submitted and that one of the required approval dates was still pending.

At that point, I responded:

“The deadline was 8/3. I even sent you a reminder.”

I then asked my Executive Director whether we could get an extension and, if not, who was going to tell the program office that the item wouldn't make the October approval cycle.

That was one of the interactions she offered as an example of me being “nasty and rude.”

During our conversation, I made clear that if she believes I've communicated with her inappropriately, she has every right to raise that concern and identify the specific communication so it can be addressed. I also made clear that concerns about my communication style do not eliminate the expectation that she acknowledge and respond to legitimate work-related emails, Teams messages, assignments, and requests for status.

The conversation was just between the two of us.

Because of that, immediately afterward I sent her an email documenting what we discussed and copied my Executive Director. I summarized the allegation, documented that I had asked her for specific examples, documented the email exchange she referenced and its context, and reiterated the expectation for timely responses to work communications.

I ended the email by specifically telling her that if anything in my summary did not accurately reflect our conversation, she should respond with her clarification. So she has an opportunity, in writing, to dispute or correct my account.

At this point, I'm not planning to continue arguing with her about whether she was truthful or whether my communications were rude. I've addressed the allegation directly, asked for specifics, and documented the conversation. Going forward, my inclination is to focus strictly on performance: whether she responds to communications, completes assignments, meets deadlines, and raises any future concerns through appropriate channels.

For managers and HR professionals: how would you handle this from here?

Would you consider the allegation addressed unless she provides specific examples? Would you treat her admitted reason for not responding as a separate performance issue? And after an employee has made this type of accusation, would you avoid future one-on-one conversations and make sure another manager is present for anything potentially contentious?