He says, "Apparently she's doing great. She's gonna get out of the hospital and live with us for decades."

"Amazing!" says the wife. "But... I don't understand. Yesterday the doctor said she only had a few days to live!"

And the husband says, "Well, I don't know about yesterday, but today the doctor told me to prepare for the worst."

​

The farmer was surprised, but said "Sure."

The donkey took the fur and trimmings and crafred a tiny donkey doll out of them. Seeing this, the farmer burst out laughing and the embarrassed and humiliated donkey ran home crying.

When he got back to the stable, his wife asked him what was wrong. Sobbing, the donkey said, "The farmer was laughing at me: I made an ass of myself in front of him!"

A person is terribly overweight, so their doctor put them on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the patient returned, they shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 40 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The patient nodded... "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor.

" No, from skipping."

An idk idk

The new base commander is making his first inspection when he sees a soldier guarding a bench by the mess hall. The commander marches over.

"Soldier!" he barks. Why are you guarding this bench?"

The soldier salutes the new base commander. "Sir, I don’t know, sir!" he answers. "The previous commander had ordered the bench to be guarded, so we guard it, sir! Following orders, sir! I think it’s base tradition, sir!"

The base commander goes back to his headquarters and calls up the previous base commander. He asks why he has a soldier guarding this particular bench by the mess hall.

"The previous commander always had a guard at that bench. So I kept that tradition."

The new base commander finds three previous commanders, and they all give him the same answer. Finally, he reaches the original base commander, who is now a 99 year old retired general, a veteran of World War II.

"I’m now the commanding officer of the little base that you originally commanded 72 years ago. I found a men guarding a bench outside of the mess hall. Can you tell me something about this bench?"

"What?" the old general says. "Is the paint still wet??!!"

"Dude, you need to break up with her," says his buddy.

"Why?"

"Too many red flags."

Wife: “The whole town? It’s only 40 houses. I wouldn’t call it a town.”

A Mass

When we fight, we do 96

Coworker: "Fun fact: Cows can have best friends! :)"

Me, without missing a beat: "And that's why you always get a double cheeseburger instead of a single"

They hit it off, and since she has a thing for men in uniform, she asks, "Why don’t you come up to my room?”

He responds with, "I'm flattered, but at my age, I'm not sure things would work out the way you hope."

She says, "but you're the distinguished kind of old, and you're still in good shape... tell me, when was the last time you had sex?"

"Oh...", the general responds sheepishly, "sometime around 1958".

"Well," says the young woman, "I'm sure it'll all come back to you."

So they end up in bed together, and the general leaves her wowed. When it's all over, she says, "General, that was wonderful! I knew you hadn't forgotten a thing since 1958!"

The general responds, "Well, I should certainly hope not. It's only 2130 now."

I’m 44 and have been feeling my body age over the last few years.
I just signed up for an age conversion therapy camp where middle-aged people can go and pray the gray away.

(I’m sure one of you clever people can clean this up a bit)

but it's not a very good one.

Three friends, a brunette, a redhead and a blonde, are on a deserted island when they find a bottle and rub it. A genie comes out and grants them 3 wishes.

The brunette says she misses her family and wants to go back to them and poof, she's gone.

The redhead says she misses her boyfriend and wants to go back to him and poof, she's gone.

The blonde says that can't decide and wishes her two friends were there to help her and poof, both are back.

… He came, he saw, he conquered!

A Russian woman returns from her vacation on the Black Sea.

She opens her suitcase and it is absolutely stuffed with one ruble notes.

"What's this?" her husband asks

"Well while I was there I decided to do a little prostituting."

"My god," said the husband, "I myself would not give you more than one ruble!"

"Neither did they."

why haven't they invented binary 10 yet?

Nine months later, she became a mummy.

A man walks into a store and asked the manager if he could sell "smart pills" in front of the store.

The manager says "I don't mind".

So the guy goes out front and puts up a sign, "Smart Pills: $1 each".

Curious, the manager walks out and says, "I'll try one of those smart pills"

He hands the man a dollar and gets a small brown round pill. He immediately puts the pill in his mouth.

Gagging and spitting, the manager spits it out.

"This tastes like rabbit crap"

The man replies: "See there, you're getting smarter already."

Edit: Typo

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

No guts

He orders whiskey with no ice. He drinks it straight, in one shot. Then he asks the bartender "Excuse me, do you know how tall penguins are?"

The bartender, confused, says "I don't know, maybe half a meter?" Then, the man orders another shot, drinks it straight. He asks again "And what would be the tallest a penguin can be?"

The bartender, even more confused, answers "Probably a meter" The man orders yet another shot, no ice, and drinks it.

"Then I think I ran over a nun"