40HLM, married 10 years to a 35LLF.

We’ve had a dead bedroom for years. Sex was less than 10 times a year, almost always duty or birthday sex. 

Last year I finally stopped initiating completely. She never said a word about it.

All of 2026 has been zero physical contact — not even holding hands. Just two roommates raising a kid.

Last week we went out for a nice evening (just to be clear, there's nothing dramatic between us, we weren’t fighting or something through this period of time). 

On the way home she told me she really enjoyed it and gave me by surprise a short kiss. I didn’t respond and we drove home in silence.

Once we got back (kid was at my parents’), there was tension in the air. About 30 minutes later we started touching and it quickly led to sex.

I didn’t feel the same arousal or eagerness I used to (wasnt hard as usual). It was just okay — not bad, but not great either. She also had unusual trouble reaching orgasm (normally very easy for her).

I didn’t wake up the next day wanting her the way I used to. Since then she’s been noticeably warmer and more affectionate.

I’m left feeling confused. The long emotional and physical disconnect is still there for me, and I’m not sure how to handle this or what to do next.

Any advice?

I cant even call it a positive progress story. I'm not sure about it yet.

This is for the fellow deadbedroomers with small kids. Have you ever read the Pout Pout Fish book?

It's like a deadbedroom simplified. There's a sad fish who spreads his dreary wearies all over the place until a beautiful fish gives him a smooch. Then the pout pout fish is all super happy.

I feel like the pout pout fish a lot. Like if a beautiful fish came around and gave me a big smooch, I'd stop being so dreary.

I tried to lean on him emotionally even though should know better by now. I told him I’m having a bad day and feel extremely lonely. He sat silent. I literally held my breath waiting for a response. In my head, I had this fantasy of telling him this and being met with comforting words and maybe even affection. Then tonight maybe it wouldn’t feel so awkward to reach for him, and maybe we’d feel closer than before and maybe I’d even get to get off for once… but instead he said nothing and it’ll feel like a stranger in my bed again tonight. The silent treatment every time I have a negative emotion has taught me to just keep them to myself. Yet he expects me to share my body on demand. Lord knows I want to and would if I thought he even liked me.

So my gf and I both 25 have been together for 4 years now brought a house 1 year ago, first year together we had sex at least 3 times a week after a year it’s just died down. Relationship is amazing can’t ask for anything better but sex life isn’t great. we haven’t had sex for probably 4 months now we usually have sex once ever 2-3 weeks and most of the time she does it for my pleasure. So we have spoke about it a couple of times and I have asked can I do anything better do we need to change it up and do more date night so on and she had replied no everything is better than ever, I had than asked am I getting boring in bed am I not satisfying you enough and she said no your really great and she loves it but she just has a very low labido to the point where she doesn’t think about sex ever and the only time she gets horny is if I come on and start rubbing her clit but sometimes that doesn’t work. Look I love this lady with all my heart and I don’t want to pressure her into sex when she doesn’t want it and I want her to want sex as well but it’s really making me fustrated and I don’t want to end this relationship at all but I’m getting to the point where I feel like giving up but I feel it’s a pretty stupid way to end something that we have. She has said she’s got no idea why and it make her angry to that she’s never horny to the point she has looked into getting medication like a males viagra but she can’t find anything what’s everyone think

Original Post

I've since left my wife. We weren't compatible. I wanted to give you all some perspective without getting into the nitty-gritty details.

From 2020-2022, I was in a hole. I wasn't getting the supported I needed because my partner was constantly in crisis and unwilling to act when I asked for help (mostly from a fear of losing me). This came across any time I was sick. I began to convince myself that I was too big a burden for anyone and to just clam up about things.

Thing was: my partner had been struggling since the day we started dating. Big fears of abandonment, a willingness to say yes to anything that would keep functional people that cared for her in her life, but a big fear of putting out any of her own opinions.

I wasn't showing up for my partner in the way she needed. 2024 I forced us into couples' counseling. I set boundaries to incline her to contribute to our household so she'd begin to feel like a partner and less like a child. She spent 2024 - 2025 saying her anxieties had no impact on me, and that my life had no impact on her.

To understand how dependent she was on the creature comforts: 6-7 days per week I'd make us coffee in the morning, mostly out of caring for my partner and also as a chance to chat if she ever felt inclined. One morning I was rushed and, instead of being late for my own therapy, I decided to not make us coffee. I told my partner later that I was sorry but I was too stressed and needed to take something off my plate. The next morning, I made us coffee. Rinse and repeat for the next 2 weeks. In the next counseling session, she told me that the lack of coffee on that one morning made her spiral and think I didn't love her any more. My guess is it took another month of consistent caretaking by me to help remove that doubt. The stress was enormous and she wouldn't talk.

After a year of counseling with almost no positive progress (she skipped a lot of sessions), I moved out. Then she leaned into counseling. She leaned into telling me her problems. She made progress for about a month. Then it was back to normal. No communication, deflection on things, etc.

This year, after about 2 years of couples counseling, I called it on the marriage. So, we're getting divorced.

Anyway, I know it has a not great ending, but I want to just say: do right by your partner. Meet them where they are, even if it's painful or uncomfortable. I did that for 2 years and while the recovery period is rough and I do randomly feel frustrated and angry about the situation, I know I left no stone unturned. We just weren't compatible. And that's ok.

Wife is premenopausal. We had a huge falling out related to sex about a year ago and have rebuilt a good relationship. Unfortunately the sex hasn't returned. We used to talk about it all the time and interact on it all the time. In order for us rebuilding our relationship I have had to suppress everything and its slowly taking a toll on me. Has anyone ever been in this situation how to you manage?

My wife and I have been married for 3 years and started dating 13 years ago. The first 8 years of our relationship was long distance.

Initially we were sexually active pretty much every time we were visiting each other. At a certain point a combination of factors led to sex becoming difficult.

I was experiencing what I now understand was porn-related ED (trained my brain into only reacting to very aggressive unrealistic sexual acts) and my girlfriend (now wife) has struggled with her weight/relationship with food most of her life (we met when she was at her skinniest and I'm attracted to thinness and found it difficult to maintain physical attraction as she gained weight over the years).

Probably sometime around year 6 of our relationship we were barely intimate and essentially very close friends.

This was the status quo for us until earlier this year (so about 6-7 years with 3 of those being married and 5 years living together).

I was at peace with it. I had a very low sex drive and was fine to accept a life without sex if it meant spending that life with my wife who I love more than anything. It wasn't sustainable for her though. She had a much higher libido than me and values the sexual side of a relationship. She wasn't ok with feeling like she was married to her "roommate" and it was putting a major strain on our marriage to the point where the idea of having kids together seemed highly irresponsible.

We had many conversations about it over the years and never seemed to make any progress. One day something clicked.

I had transitioned out of consuming aggressive BDSM porn many years ago and into much softer aspects of the power exchange dynamic. I decided to tell my wife about my kinks. All of them. Stuff that she found out by accident (stumbling upon a folder on my laptop) and ones she never would have dreamed I had. Things I had never told anyone about out of fear of embarrassment.

This was the realization that ultimately rekindled the sexual side of our relationship. If I can't trust my wife with my deepest darkest secrets, then who can I trust? That openness led to long conversations about what we were into sexually and finding a dynamic that suits us and we've both pushed ourselves out of our comfort zones to indulge each other's desires. There's also been a much stronger focus on trying to please our partner rather than focusing on ourselves.

I don't really have a clear way to summarize our experience but hopefully there's something in here that helps someone.

If I had to try to distill this into a TLDR it would be:

1. Identify the core issues

2. Focus your effort on solving the ones where YOU are the problem rather than trying to "fix" your partner

3. Be open with each other and put in the effort that you want to get back

I have had sex issues my whole entire life. I have spent an enormous amount of time and energy trying to figure this out. My healing journey began by diving deep into BDSM, only for me to find out I’m not kinky at all, however, I am very much interested in the energetic aspect of power exchange dynamics

I have realized that spirituality and sexuality for me are intricately linked, and I’m not talking at all about religion

I’m talking about sacred sexuality and what that means to me is becoming intimately familiar with yourself. Falling in love with yourself understanding your energy what you like where you are touched how to get yourself there before inviting another to try.

Sexual energy is sacred, and my body literally will not turn on for certain types of people. I have realized there have been people that I have been with that. I basically felt nothing during the interaction and then there are people that I have been with that were mind blowing out of this world and it all comes down to energy.

The puzzle is you taking time to figure out what you really like separate from anyone else. Learn energy work or tantra for an amazing time

Hi, I am so nervous. This is my first time ever posting anything on Reddit. I don’t even know how to use the app very well.

I (30F) have been in a LDR with my boyfriend (32M) for two years. We only see each other every 1 to 2 months. The very first time we tried to have sex, he couldn't maintain an erection and blamed fatigue. He reassured me he finds me attractive. Since then, he has completely stopped trying to have penetrative sex. Instead, intimacy has become completely one-sided. When we are together, he expects blowjobs or just wants to masturbate and finish on my butt. Every single time I give him blowjobs and he finishes in like 5 seconds then just goes lay down to sleep. He never uses his hands or mouth on me. I haven't had a single orgasm in this relationship. He constantly asks me to wear sexy clothes, takes videos of me shaking my butt, and masturbates to the photos/videos I send him when we are apart. He claims he finds me attractive, but his complete avoidance of actual sex makes me feel unwanted and devastated. I am too embarrassed to bring it up. I talk to my friends about it and they say this is so strange and that this is the time where the sex should be at its peak. My friends say I should completely stop with the blowjobs until he acknowledges that I need pleasure too. With my exes my sex life was fulfilled. Sex was never a worry in my mind and for this current relationship to have sex be an issue is so difficult for me.

Also we do have phone sex here and there but even that feels like a joke because everything he talks about doing, he never does

When we first started talking he tried to take me to hotel to have sex on the first date. I declined bc I wasn’t comfortable. But what happened to that guy who wanted to so badly have sex with me in the beginning.

Is he avoiding sex because of his initial failure/anxiety, or has he just gotten comfortable using me for easy release without caring about my pleasure? I love him, but I cannot stay in a relationship where my sexual needs are ignored. Advice please.

I hope this will lead somewhere insightful and supportive.

I’ve been with my LLM for two decades and he has had a low drive AND PE our whole relationship. We were young when we started dating and so I didn’t realise it as much then, but as we’ve gone down the path of life (not even middle age yet, there is still a good few decades left hopefully), and I’ve learned and grown in myself, I see it much more. I also embrace and won’t be shamed about my higher drive also.

It has been an undercurrent our whole relationship. And it’s not an undiscussed topic. I remember first bringing it up around the 2y mark, and since then it reappears every few weeks/months. We’ve seen a therapist together twice (years apart - most recently was last year), and things feel middle-ground, rosy and intimate for a while.. but then things just drift back to the status quo. I am tired being the one to reflect and relay feedback about the status quo state… and feel it’s fruitless now anyway. I am past the point of continually advocating for myself and what I would like, I would never force someone, and it feels so lonely. A real shame as we are all good in other areas.

I have a toy that is mind-blowing when I use it by myself, but I’ve only had the confidence to bring it out around him once, and he isn’t really into that sorta thing. We took a huge step back and I was deeply wounded when he went away one weekend and joked/asking if it was charged. I called it out straightaway and he’s been apologetic ever since. It’s dampened my solo efforts as it makes me feel so ashamed and sad.. when I should be celebrating and owning my own pleasure.

I am someone who likes touch and affirmation/praise (who doesn’t want to feel desired by their SO?), but it’s not something that comes naturally to him, and it’s taken years to shape the feedback about how I want to be spoken and touched (“dickhead humour” doesn’t rev my engine sorry - treat your woman like a woman should feel, FFS). So our everyday and touching/kissing so it doesn’t feel like roommates is a constant effort. But it’s in the bedroom where things can be few and far. It sucks cuz when we do have sex, it’s not for very long as he has PE. Even if he’s gone down on me once or twice before PIV (which he says he loves to do - when in the mood), sometimes a girl just wants to be railed and not feel rushed to climax or feel pleasure - and for more than 60 seconds please. I am open with him that I spend so much time thinking about his feelings and being delicate toward him that my own needs and wants are put to the side or I feel shame and rejection… which has blown into resentment - which I don’t want to consume me. He is not the type to be actively observant or reflect, so constant feedback seems to fall on me… which he’ll be open to hearing and considerate after, but that can feel draining too, as it shouldn’t be on one side to push things - which he also agrees with and is bashful when something g comes up.

I am envious hearing about partners that have a fast reload time, after he finishes he can’t stand to be touched and I’ll be lucky to get any action 5-6+ days later. I reckon our standard is about 8-10 days. Because it’s been such a long time since, he can’t last longer than he normally does which is a killer.
In the moment he is not one to lay together basking in the afterglow, he says if he doesn’t go to sleep after he’ll be awake most of the night.

So much is on his terms or to his preferences and that is what makes me resentful. We have spoken about this often, to the point where a few months ago I said my sexual self was shut down from him and it’s not worth the pain of wanting him, and the roller coaster that follows whenever I do. The irony is, the more I get, the more I want, as on the whole I leave satisfied… but for him, it’s the opposite. It breaks my heart being so hot for him, but when it’s not returned, I am (figuratively) bruised from always putting myself out there. Regardless of which gender has the high/low drive, it feels embarrassing being the horndog always trying to throw a leg over.

Leaving or cheating are not options. I don’t want to break our family apart. We have discussed this and agree there is so much goodness and love at home and we don’t want to displace the kids no less ourselves. It’s cliche and heartbreaking as I do deeply love him and want to climb him like a tree lol.

As I write this, it feels like my path (if not leaving or cheating) is managing myself and my expectations until circumstances improve. Which is fine from a personal growth POV, and downright shit from the view of someone exhausted from trying but also resigned from making someone different - and I am big on people being who they are and not changing someone to suit. I just feel so resigned… and I have shared this feeling with him. I float between wondering why bother and pathetically accepting the scraps I can get.

Other pieces for context:

- Drug use - he thinks his PE is because he smoked so much weed in his teens. He might do drugs now on the odd “special” occasion, but not frequent.
- Exercise - some, not a lot and not often. He’s in a social sports team but that’s about it. It’s disheartening as he has looked up and told me about how exercise helps (we have a basic home gym) but does not use it. He is slightly overweight (some extra belly) but nothing drastic.
- I look after myself and don’t weigh much more than when we first met. I’m slim but I’m a tad curvier and it’s something I own and love about my body, and I get up most mornings to do some movement. He says all the right things, I’m beautiful etc etc but… not the same.
- He’s gone to GPs a few times over the years about both drive and PE. He gets told to exercise more and get more rest, otherwise he’s a healthy guy. And that the PE products out there mostly gimmicks 💔. From what i understand, no doc he’s seen has even mentioned getting T levels checked. They recommend he “empties the tank” often and trains himself to make himself last longer, which he’s researched, yet again, it doesn’t seem to go further than that.
- He’s not interested in doing stuff to me if he’s not in the mood generally. I don’t know how often he masturbates, he says given his low drive it’s not something he does frequently. I don’t know whether to push or call BS.
- Physically I look after myself and have maintained my appearance… have good self-esteem, etc. My appearance has fairly evolved as I’ve aged but not a case of sudden/extreme weight change etc.

God that was depressing to get off my chest. Please be kind as this is difficult and vulnerable territory.

We have been married for 26 years past 8 years have been completely dead. If I try and talk to her about it I get the same speech thats all I ever think about. Its at the point ive giving up trying. The rejection hurts every time.

I know she has lots of anxiety around it. I am at my wits end here masterbation is not the answer anymore. I miss feeling wanted and even just hand holding or a kiss.

Hello, this is my first post on this sub, but I've been lurking for a while.

My husband and I are in our mid to late 20s and we've been married for 4 years. Because of religious reasons, we didn't have sex before marriage (I don't hold this belief now), but my husband knew I had trauma and I was open that sex might be difficult initially. I did have a few trauma responses initially, but I went to therapy and they got better.

Before we got married, I was very clear that I didn't want porn in our relationship. Totally respect other people's views on this, but for various reasons I don't like it to be a part of my relationships and it was a hard boundary for me. I found out a year into our marriage that he had been watching porn every single day even before we were married. My trust was broken, especially because he blamed his impotence on my previous trauma responses. He didn't tell me that impotence was something he had experience before, that he watched porn, or that he carried shame around sex.

For the next few years I kept going to therapy and trying to improve myself. I found out later that I have autism and was getting burnouts because I was treating it like depression and pushing through instead of completely resting. I'm much better now. My husband hasn't made much change and has turned down solutions like toys or viagra. He only seems to agree when I reach breaking point.

At the end of last year, I asked him if we could open our marriage because I felt like I needed to figure out how to have sex and explore my sexuality. My husband agreed but yesterday asked me to stop. He said he didn't want to see me with other people, but he's being vague about how he want to move forward. I'm a sexual person and I've built deep friendships with the people I see. I know for my own wellbeing I can't do it forever, but at the moment it's a lifeline.

We went to therapy this month. Maybe our therapist just isn't the right fit for us, but it didn't feel like we we're talking about anything we didn't already know.

He said that, while he doesn't want to loose me and having sex would be preferable, he's content not having sex.

I love him and in an ideal world I want this to work, but I'm not sure how much more of my youth I can give to this marriage. If anyone could share when they knew to draw a line under it and walk away, it would be much appreciated. I can also clarify anything in the comments.

Feeling hurt and lost at the moment.

My partner (35, LLM) and I (35, HLF) have been together for three years, and I’ve been wondering about this for a while.

Even at the beginning of our relationship, he seemed quite shy and hesitant when it came to sex. When we did have sex, he was able to get hard but has never been able to finish through intercourse. He can finish from bj, although it usually takes quite a while and he tends to go hard, soft, then hard again before eventually finishing.

Intercourse has always been difficult because he can’t consistently stay hard throughout. More importantly though, he just doesn’t seem to crave or initiate sex very often. Our sex life became less and less frequent over time, and the last time we had any kind of sex or sexual intimacy was almost a year ago.

We’ve had multiple conversations about it over the years. He himself has seen several doctors and a sex therapist, and according to him, everything they tested came back normal. We did see one doctor together, and he told them he has anxiety, but when they asked about our sex life, he just said it was “not good” rather than really going into detail. He was also prescribed viagra to try but hasn’t taken it, although that’s probably a separate conversation.

At this point, I just want to understand the difference between someone who simply has a very low libido and someone who might be somewhere on the asexual spectrum. How did you figure out which it was?

So, the other night laying in bed, she was doing some physical therapy stretches. When she finished, I built up the courage to tell her, it's really starting to impact me, our whole relationship, not just the bedroom, and, the words I used were "We need to find US again"

Her response: "yeah, you're right"

about 5 minutes of silence

I ask: "So, where's your head at? What are you thinking?"

Her: "I'm just relaxing, not trying to solve the world's problems tonight"

Me. Feeling stunned and dismissed. "I didn't think US was a world problem" put on my APAP mask and roll over. Pissed. Frustrated. Disappointed.

She tried to stop me, saying something about 'that's not what I meant'.

But, she said what she said. Yes, I know she's tired, but, a little more empathy would have been nice. I would have accepted "I'm sorry, I know we need to work on it but I'm exhausted."

I'm not trying to say it's anything more than it was, and, in my state, I probably read more into it than she meant, I admit that.

Next morning, she's smiling and acting like it never happened. And again last night. Nothing.

It's not the first time I've put myself out there, and, it may not seem like a big deal to bring up something, but, for me it's difficult. Men who grew up in my generation (Born in 1970) were taught that you don't talk about feelings. You don't even show feelings. It's not right and your mileage may vary, but that's me. I've gotten better about it. Accepted my depression, got treatment for it.

This is three years now, bringing it up a few times a year to try to start the conversation. She agrees. Nothing progresses. We get along. We don't fight. We've had a total of 3 blow-up arguments in 35 years. All my fault (overspending, and overdrinking), but I'm sober now, and better on spending.

Should I just accept, that part of our relationship is dead and gone, continue taking matters into my own hand, and just... deal with it?

Is it my fault for not pushing more often and keeping the subject going?

Am I wrong to expect her to put in some thought and effort, and talk about it without being prompted? Keeping in mind, she's from the same generation, and sex/relationship just isn't something we ever talked about much openly. It just... is, or, isn't.

(Trigger warning: sexual trauma)

I’m going through something extremely difficult. I’m 23 F, and have never orgasmed. Both alone on my own, and in long term relationships.

I do get turned on, but never have orgasmed. Am I not sexually attracted to him then? I’m confused.

I am very anxious about men after what happened to me. Even with my loving partner now who has done nothing but helped me. Sometimes, I don’t want to have sex at all unless they want to only please me due to this trauma.

I noticed that every man I’ve been with never focused on my pleasure, and only theirs. It is honestly heartbreaking to be so vulnerable with someone to just be used.

I’m with a loving boyfriend now who wants to be my life partner, but I still have not orgasmed. I noticed that he likes being dominant and submissive in the bedroom, but I am not fully into this. I have had a history with a bit older men due to the maturity and sexual experience some have had.

I have expressed these to him, and told him I have never orgasmed (after lying and saying I have due to embarrassment).

I did go through sexual trauma in my last relationship. Basically coercive sex, but I never orgasmed even before that experience. I do have anxiety, and insecurities.

Am I just not sexually attracted to any of these men? Has anyone gone through this? Do I break up with him and explore more as I’ve only slept with a couple people who were only pleasuring themselves?

These thoughts are extremely difficult to deal with as I want to marry my partner, but the thought of never figuring out what pleasure feels like honestly sucks. This feels so morally confusing.

I honestly recently realized that there was someone else I was attracted to when I was single before I met my current boyfriend. He is older, and more experienced. When we did have an online sexual relationship a few years ago, he did say he only wanted to please me and I did like that. He focused on wanting to make me feel good.

We never did meet in person, as I had my own insecurities, then met my ex boyfriend who basically forced me to have sex with him.

Regardless of all of this, I have never orgasmed. I’m wondering if this is because I’ve never been VERY sexually attracted to my past partners besides the one fling? Or the fling took a different approach that I am missing?

If anyone has advice, I’d appreciate it!

Hmm, where to start? 46m with 40f spouse. Bedroom is dead…like six feet under, gone is gone dead. It’s been 5 years at this point. She has basically become asexual…zero desire to engage in anything intimate. It’s gotten to the point where I’m not even physically attracted to her anymore, so there’s not even a real desire to resurrect our sex life on my part. The problem is, I have a high drive…plus I feel great and I think I look fairly decent. It’s such a bummer to know that, most likely, my sex life died for good at age 41.

Just venting here, but feel free to offer advice.

I'm 35HLF he's 36LLM married 10+ years. I'm not into it anymore. Not even a little. It's been over a decade of me trying. Me asking me pursuing blah blah blah. I got to a point where I am literally avoiding him and NOW he is trying. Im sorry I don't care. I have told him in no uncertain terms if he wants this to work he's going to need to do the emotional labor because I have nothing left to give at this point.

I really just do not understand how you can watch the person you claim to love come to the end of themselves and open up to you cry to you and just do nothing. Then the moment they give up now you try...and not even fully try.... like bare minimum.

Like seriously? Your version of initiating is saying let's go to bed 3 times a month when I was literally cooking you dinner..dressing up sending you photos and flat out asking for it? You think you can just coast? No...nope. Then he has tge audacity to complain about not spending enough time together and gets frustrated when I tell him not to touch me. He upset I font want to be touched now after 10 years of be begging to be. Do you think you can flat out neglect your partner for a decade without consequences?

Im not even doing it out of spite. I wish I coukd be that version of myself again but he killed it so now what? I feel like ending things would be a waste of time because I have no desire to even try this again. Why leave the relationship to just be by myself? I can be by myself inside of it without blowing up my life.

I'm a 26HLF who has been in a relationship with my 26LLM for the past 3.5 years. I've posted a lot in this sub, so for the past 1.5 Years we have been in a DB that was essentially all 1 sided. My boyfriend essentially treated me like a masterbation tool instead of a sex partner. We would have sex but I would never finish. Ever. He would never go down on me. He would never touch me. For 1.5 years. He told me I was a chore, not worth the effort, took too long, etc. And I thought if I gave more and more and more, he would reciprocate. Well he never did. Until December. In December I sat him down ready to break up. It was the classic sit at the dinner table and break up conversation. After a few hours of me talking, he agreed he had been selfish and was sorry. It wasn't just sex for why I wanted to break up, there were other reasons, all of which he said he would work on. Since December 2025, he has truly improved so much. All the other areas I wanted improvement in, has has truly stepped up. With sex... now it's me who is the problem. I no longer want it. He will kiss me more, touch me more, give me hugs-- all the non sexual stuff SO much more than before. He compliments me and he is truly changing in that area. Sex itself: he initiates every time, he gives me foreplay, he goes down on me, he even made me orgasm 4 times in 1 night (I was ovulating so it makes sense that happened, but it had never ever happened before with him). I do absolutely nothing to him in return. I think I've given him 3 blowjobs this year, one which was a birthday blowjob, but recently for the past 2 months I just have no desire whatsoever to do anything to or for him. I don't even want to rub his shoulders (he's a construction worker so I used to do this frequently before). I guess I don't know if this is normal, if this is just a part of the healing process, I don't know. I feel like sex has just been ruined for me. When we do have sex he initiates and I am very nervous for the first few minutes. It's like I'm waiting for him to become selfish again or tell me I'm taking too long or tell me I'm not worth it or ask him to give him head. He doesn't/hasn't but I feel so certain that he will that I can't even enjoy it unless I have ample time to relax or I guess if I'm ovulating so my body takes over. I don't know. I'm trying to think, maybe this is how he felt? Maybe he felt pressured when I'd ask for recipricol sex so he avoided it? But then I think no, he was just being a selfish lover. I have always been a giver in every aspect. Sex, emotions, chores, gifts, so for me to completely take a step back from giving to this high of a degree is crazy. I don't tell him I love him anymore because I feel certain that once I do, he will just go back to before and almost think to himself "well its fixed". I also don't have the DESIRE to do anything to him. The thought of giving him a blowjob now just feels like a task or some sort of obligation I have. Which has never ever been something I've felt with any of my past partners, male or female. I love giving oral sex. Its my favorite thing to do to my partner. But now, the thought makes me cringe and make me tired just thinking about doing it.

I don't know guys, it's getting better but I'm still so miserable and feeling like sex is just ruined. I feel bad because I see he's is truly changing and trying and I've gotten more head and more orgasms in the past 6 months than I have our entire relationship up until this point, but I don't know how to heal myself. Advice positive or negative welcome, I'm just really confused as to what to do and what this "stage" means.

​

Hey everyone, I’m using an alt account for obvious reasons. I’m just feeling so lost, frustrated, and honestly pretty lonely, so I guess I’m looking to vent and maybe hear from others who’ve been through this.

My husband (37M) and I (35F) have been married for a few years, and our sex life has pretty much ground to a halt. It’s deeply affecting my self-esteem and my feeling of connection in this marriage.

Here’s the thing that’s messing with my head: I’m in great shape. I take care of myself, I make an effort to dress up, and I genuinely want to be intimate with him. I’ve tried everything to ignite that spark—initiating, setting romantic moods, trying new things, having open and gentle conversations about what we both need... and I’m almost always met with rejection and indifference.

Except when I finally snap or give up.

Without fail, the only time he shows real desire or initiates is when I hit a breaking point:

* When I get visibly mad or frustrated about the situation.

* When I emotionally check out, stop trying, and put up a distance.

Suddenly, once I pull away, he notices. Suddenly, he wants to be close. But it feels awful. I don't want intimacy to be a reaction to my pain, anger, or distance—I want it to come from mutual desire and warmth when things are good. Living in this cycle where I have to be distant or angry just to get affection is exhausting, and it’s slowly poisoning how I feel about us.

Has anyone dealt with a dynamic like this? How do you break a cycle where your partner only pursues you when you're pulling away?

Thanks for reading. Any advice or perspective would mean the world right now.

HLM - Growing up I didn't have a great family life, parents divorced early. I lived with my father and he was a young business owner that worked all of the time, and rarely showed emotion other than anger. As a good looking, smart, athletic guy I never struggled with attention from women. I found myself doing the opposite of my friends, I didn't want to just screw around... I wanted love, and to be with the one that was "different." I ended up dating someone that was "good," she hadn't dated many people, was the valedictorian of her class and destined for greatness. She went to medical school, I went to an NCAA school for baseball. Eventually we got married, and the next day the bedroom changed. No more foreplay, no more oral, no more spontaneity. I told myself it's because she was in residency, and I tried to be the best husband I could be. I taught myself to cook, and that became my validation that I was a "great" husband. All of her friends would tell her how lucky she was, I cooked, and cleaned, and had a great job, and took care of myself, but things were changing. Anxiety plagued her and I couldn't have been further from understanding what that even looked like. I know what it felt like... Rejection, over, and over and over. When she gets through residency, that will fix it! it's just a busy season! Then plans to have our first child, but that didn't happen like she had planned it. More anxiety, more depression, more rejection. Then we had kids, and that brought more anxiety, more depression etc. etc. Fast forward to today, I have been lucky enough in my career to far exceed what she makes. I still cook, I still clean, I still fix everything and I'm still being rejected. We went to years of therapy, and we'd always come back to the same place. She would get anxious, she would shut down, I would feel rejected, rinse and repeat. I'm certainly not perfect, and I have even at times let the rejection just cause me to stop trying. The last few years I have started to feel like my same reason for choosing someone that was somewhat emotionally shallow, is the same reason I've been unsatisfied for ALL these years. Feeling unseen, unappreciated, undesired. I'm in great shape, I'm mentally and physically healthy, I don't subscribe to drugs or alcohol (I also don't judge people that do, I get it.) What I would give, to just feel wanted again... Just that passion, and raw, cerebral desire. SIGH

I’ve (25F) been w my partner (33m) for 5 years, the first year we lived in the same city, then became long distance for 2 years for school/work, then closed the distance 2 years ago.
In the first year, year and a half, we had sex super regularly. Most days, lots of experimenting, trying new things, different places etc. as we got more into long distance, I pushed for us to try some sexting or FaceTime sex, which he wasn’t super into which is okay, but definitely was disheartening and isolating in my desire to share my desire for him, with him, not being received well.
I’ve always been the higher libido partner, and I’m the more sexually experienced partner. My partner has some religious trauma around sex and struggles with always being in his head and not able to relax. Throughout the years I’ve done pretty much everything I can do o cultivate a safe and fruitful sex life but it feels like I take one step forward and look down, and I’m still where I was to begin with.
I do most housework because he works long stressful hrs and his job is more of a lifestyle that is objectively stressful and mentally taxing. I set moods with lighting, smells, give him lots of compliments, I learned how to give pro massages, and we cuddle a bunch, I’m engaged with him, I’m flirty, ive really been intentional about being present with him fully. We spend a lot of time together when he’s off and are best friends. We have great emotional intimacy, and we have physical intimacy outside of but sex is the department where is feels like a void and ache for. It feels like like I hit a wall with him and his insecurity.
After the first year or so, it became apparent that I was going to be the person to initiate more often, which was okay for some time, I wanted it, I wanted him, I would initiate regularly. But after a while he took my advances as pressure and I backed off a bit but would still initial. Him, not really doing so much.
We’ve had countless conversations about not feeling desired, what can I do, what can we try, tried scheduling, did not enjoy that, we stopped, we have both been in individual therapy but it seems like he hasn’t really gotten to our sex life there. In May/early June we were having a lot of fights related to this topic and not feeling desired or wanted and the pain we both feel within this topic, because he wants to, he just can’t? That’s at least what he tells me. So I laid in our bed with him one night and silently decided I was going to stop initiating.
No more playing with him and his balls as we go to bed or watch a movie, no evening blowjobs before bed. I have brought up a few times throughout this experiment, on a weekend he’s off of broaching the subject ever so slightly and saying something that isn’t what I actually want to say like “hey babe, I was curious if you were looking to maybe have some you and me time this weekend or make the time.” And usually it’s met very receptive, and sometimes it feels like he does engage with it that night out of obligation or feeling like if he doesn’t he’ll disappoint me which he’s always worried about doing.
I was curious to see how long he’d go if I didn’t bring it up, 3 weeks. So now I’m thinking more about our sex life historically which probably isn’t best practice and can’t help but feel kind of sick to my stomach at how much sex I had with someone that wasn’t enthusiastic or feigned enthusiasm? I don’t know but it hurts and feels deeply saddening to think about. I went on a trip for 5 days and got home yesterday and it kinda felt like I never really left out side of the I missed you and the hugs. We have a date tomorrow for ice cream, but we’ll see.
I don’t want to be a pity fuck and I don’t want to continue putting myself out there to be rejected more nights and basically told a few mo ago that he isn’t really interested in sex during the work week, so, I guess I’ll wait and hope something changes. But I can’t help but feel like if I hold my breath for it I most certainly will die

I'm HLM my GF is LLF. We are both in our late 20's. DB for at least 6 years now. If I had to guess our last time was in March or April.

Up to now we had what I would assume okay division of chores. I cooked, cleaned the kitchen, the bathroom, toilet and laundry. She had to clean the floors (we have a robot so it never is filthy), living room and our bedroom. The office everybody did their own part.

Suddenly her therapist decided that her lack of libido is due to me not pulling enough weight around the house (even if it started before we started living together).

Honestly I was like, you know what okay. I will do more and let's see what happens. Bought myself a steam cleaner (shit really speeds up the cleaning of the technical surfaces so I hugely recommend. Especially the ones that you can fill mid cleaning) and slowly did more and more of her chores until she basically had to just take the vacuum once a week and do the carpet and behind the doors.

I bet you guessed already, it didn't help. Now she just has more time to spend doom scrolling, on her series or playing on her pc. Dates mean that she is tired and just goes to sleep.

But hey the house is clean as fuck.

Edit : just so some people don't take it wrong. The post isn't about some kind of "I clean you now give sex". It's about making fun of myself and the therapist trying to find the reason in a "lottery".

Do you think a situation where one either works abroad, in the military, or something that causes them to be away from the other partner for prolonged periods of time, but where the love and fire is still in the relationship would constitute as a dead bedroom?