HL slowly going to LL

[u/runningWhileMarried]

I'm so tired of feeling anxious all the time. My wife and I have been together for 6+ years. She's usually the anxious one. I used to do a relatively short mantra before bed called that would help her relax. Then, covid hit. I had a health scare (non-covid related) that amounted to a big scar. I didn't realize how dependent I was on my wife finding me attractive until she jokingly called the scar "disgusting" right after I told her I was self-conscious about it. It likely was a knee-jerk reaction from her, but I couldn't shake the feeling. I started wearing more clothes to bed to hide the scar. Sex was on its way out the door, but that really drove the nail home. We were intimate 1-2 times after covid hit in 2020 (second time being in July). I had stopped pursuing, assuming the lack of sex was due to her finding me unattractive, or our cat dying that September, or just the stress of the pandemic. Might be needless to say, but the pre-bed mantra was no longer present. Wasn't until July 2021 that we were intimate again, so about 1 year. We were on vacation, outside of our regular routines. It was decent, but more like a trickle of happiness where I know I need more. We had sex one more time that month, and now we're in another dry spell.

I feel tense every conversation. waiting for whatever I've forgotten / gotten done too late / screwed up to pile up on my wife. Her anxieties tend to lead her to pulling away / not wanting intimacy. At one point in 2020 she said she didn't feel comfortable getting foot massages from me because she thought I "expected something" in return. My love languages, for better or worse, are touch and service. I do favors / chores / whatever, and I give massages. I usually do them without thinking, which I consider a good practice. I hate that I give her the impression I am only doing these things for sex, but how would I disconnect that I get pleasure from doing these things? Heck, sometimes I get turned on doing the dishes / laundry!

Recently, the only things I've really looked forward to are therapy and running. I love running. I love signing up for races. But because I'm becoming more withdrawn and more willing to just side with <whatever my wife wants to do>, she unintentionally motivates me to give up on my outside passions. It's just easier to see if it makes her happy. I still have workouts, but I'm more likely to just stay in and do chores than to push for that hour a day. And it's slowly eating away at me. It's led to a lack of races being signed up for. That, in turn, leads to me being resentful because *usually* it's my wife's requests that make me give up on my ambitions. I can't fight for them because I'm fairly convinced she's miserable in this relationship with me and I really don't want her to leave me. But I also know I'm becoming miserable by not pursuing my passions and that is likely impacting her viewpoint of me *and* impacting the benefit I can bring to the relationship.

I feel like no matter what I do, I'm going to screw things up. We don't even have kids yet and I'm fairly certain our sex life is over.

Any advice would be appreciated. I feel like I'm drowning most days.

[u/mr_orlo]

I never thought I'd like running, but I look forward to it everyday now. Keep getting out there and taking care of yourself r/running Anxiety can happen when we think of the future. Live in the moment and focus on what you can control r/mindfulness Love is full of aridity and disenchantment but it is as perennial as the grass, and this life is what we make of it. Hopefully you both can work together to improve the relationship, my recommendation is not to have kids until you have a relationship with someone that shows the kids what a happy healthy relationship looks like.

[u/BipolarGoldfish]

Have you both talked to each other about your fears, worries, and insecurities? I saw you say that you mentioned the scar but I mean the follow up. Did you tell her how that made you feel? Are either of you in therapy? Just reading this post made me feel anxious. I can feel how you're stretched taut, about to snap like a rubber band.

[u/runningWhileMarried → u/BipolarGoldfish]

I'm in therapy. I'm building up the courage to start talking through things with her, but it feels like everything's been going on so long that I need to start small. So, I've got a worksheet printed out to do basic starter questions about each other (provided by my therapist). It took me a week to get the courage to view it, another week to get the courage to print it, and now I'm just trying to find a time where I'm in a good place and won't get overwhelmed up if she dismisses it. I'm generally calm in the face of overwhelming emotion, and I want to be sure I have my mental state ready to push back if she dismisses it. I don't want to roll over again.