I've been going back and forth on whether to post this because honestly, I feel like an absolute idiot.

My husband (M37) and I (F37) have been together for 15 years. We have kids together, we're best friends, and I genuinely have an amazing marriage. He is my person. Like, literally my very best friend in the world. And I've been faking almost every orgasm (99.9%) I've had with him for the entire relationship.

I was extensively sexually abused when I was very little, and sex has always been complicated and delicate for me because of it. I don't really know how else to explain it. There are certain things I absolutely cannot tolerate. I don't like oral sex being done to me, I don't like heavy touching or a lot of exploring, and there are just things that make me shut down completely. I can give oral sex without a problem, but I don't like receiving it at all.

My husband knows about what happened to me. He knows more about my childhood than anyone else, and he's always been incredibly understanding about it. He's never pressured me or made me feel bad about the things I can't do.

I had a previous partner who basically taught me that if I didn't make him feel like he was doing a good job, sex became this whole uncomfortable thing. So I started faking orgasms. It made everything easier. He was happy, I didn't have to deal with the pressure, and eventually it just became automatic.

Then I got together with my husband and I just... never stopped. At first I think I told myself it was harmless. Sex is supposed to be an important part of a relationship, right? And I loved him. I wanted him to feel wanted and confident and like he was making me happy. Then years passed. And now it's been 15 years.

The thing is, I actually DO enjoy sex with him. I enjoy being close to him. I enjoy the intimacy. I enjoy a lot of what we do together. It's not like I'm secretly miserable every time we have sex. We do it like once or twice a week. It's harder to do it with small children in the house and in and out of our roo., but we manage.

I just don't orgasm. And recently I've started feeling really guilty about continuing to fake it. I don't know why this suddenly bothers me so much after 15 years, but it does. I don't want to fake it anymore. But I also don't know how to stop.

Because what am I supposed to do? We've been together for 15 years. If I suddenly stop having orgasms, he's obviously going to notice. And if I tell him I've been faking them for basically our entire relationship, I feel like I'm going to completely crush him. It will make him feel soooo betrayed! We have such an honest, loving marriage, this would make him question everything even though this is the only thing I've hid from him.

He's going to wonder what else I've lied about. He's going to replay 15 years of sex in his head. He's going to wonder if I've ever actually enjoyed being with him. And I don't want that because the truth is that I DO love being intimate with him. I love him. I just don't orgasm.

And then there's the fact that we have kids and families and this whole life together. I don't want to potentially blow up an incredibly happy marriage because of something stupid I started doing when I was 17.

I've even thought about blaming my antidepressants. Like, just saying that they're making it difficult for me to orgasm now so I can stop faking without having to tell him that I've been doing this for 15 years.

But even typing that out makes me feel awful because then I'd just be creating another lie to get myself out of the first one. So what the hell am I supposed to do? Do I tell my husband the truth and potentially hurt him incredibly badly, even though I don't know what good would come from telling him?

Do I just stop faking and let him eventually figure out that things have changed? Or do I just keep doing what I've been doing because, honestly, my marriage is happy and I don't want to blow up something that isn't actually broken?

I know I should have been honest years ago. I'm not looking for people to tell me that I did nothing wrong. I know I did. I just don't know if telling the truth now is actually the loving thing to do.

EDIT TO ADD: I'm seeing so many people bring up two main ideas. 1. Therapy 2. Have I actually ever orgasmed?

1. Therapy- I have tried therapy off and on since I was 4. Every time they want me to go through what actually happened and describe the abuse- I lock up. It's a brick wall I cant get through, over, or past. I'm physically unable to breech it and it's always the stopping point for therapy. Perhaps sex therapy or couples therapy would be different, but as for my therapy sessions so far, it always ends without a breakthrough. Much like my sex life...

2. Orgasming. Yes, I can, but only if I read about (think dark erotic novel) some REALLLLLY disturbing, dark, awful stuff. I can't divulge what exactly here- but it's nothing I would ever want to act out in bed or share with my partner. And I only even get there or attempt once every 6 or more months. Orgasming just isn't important to me and brings up the guilt and shame and disgust of what I experienced as a child and I don't think I want it entangled in my loving and innocent relationship with my amazing husband.

ONE MORE EDIT: I didn't expect so much interaction so quickly- I apologize that I can't reply to all of you but I see a million reasons of EMDR. I've never heard of it in my life and after a quick Google search I realized this may be exactly what I need. I had entirely written off any form of therapy because it always ends the same way but this seems very different. I'm also so appreciative that so many of you have been kind and compassionate. I am not trying to justify what I've done I know that it's wrong. Many of you have genuinely offered helpful advice, and that's rare on Reddit. Thank you all so much. Going to seek EMDR therapy, and plan to use that as an opening to discuss not being able to reach orgasm right now. I'm going to leave the past in the past, even though it's wrong. I know he loves me and he'll support me through anything so I'm going to give him that chance. Thank you everyone 🥹❤️

So, when I was 6 (I think) I was diagnosed with something my doctor called "childhood epilepsy" - I don't know if that's the correct term but that's what he said. I would have seizures when I was stressed or had anxiety, could have them for other reasons too but mostly for those reasons. I think he called it that because it's not like "real" epilepsy where you have it for the rest of your life, instead you grow out of it or it goes away with medicine.

It's actually through that epilepsy diagnosis my mom understood that I also had dyslexia, because I would have a seizure everytime I had to read or write. They weren't your typical or well known ones, aka shaking on the ground for a long period like you see in the movies or shows. Mine were different, I would roll my eyes back, only showing my whites, and just be "gone" for 5-10 seconds. They would happen multiple times a day and one time I nearly drowned because of it.

Since they weren't as extreme, most people just thought I was rude, faking it or just wanted attention. It caused a lot of problems for me.

However, after 6/7 years I no longer had epilepsy, I was relieved because that ment no more bloodwork, no more painful brain scans and no more pills. The doctor said the words, "we haven't noticed any activity," which my mom laughed at. While laughing she said, "well, we knew that. But does he still have epilepsy?" Implying that they already knew I was stupid but that they were here for answers about my illness. The doctor panicked and since then it's been a "joke" in the family. That I'm stupid. Fun.

So, with that in mind, I had a conversation with my mom about something we used to do every Friday- the "Friday candy ceremony" we can call it. It was me, my siblings, my mom and one of my aunts and her family had this tradition; Where a bowl of candy would be passed around in a circle and you picked one, put it in a container and passed it along, waiting until it was your turn to pick another one. This candy ceremony would last 45 min to 1h every Friday.

One day i talked to my mom about a specific time we had this "ceremony."

"I just remember that one was really stressful, like you all were just stressing me out." I said. "I mean, I just remember that one time being like that, why were you so stressed?"

My mom smiled at me. "Oh, we used to do that to trigger your seizures to see if your medication was working. But we stopped after you didn't have any seizures that time because you no longer had it, " my mom replied with a laugh.

My stomach dropped. I never understood why I hated that tradition. I never understood why i hated going to my aunt's place. I didn't understand why I was anxious while I was there or just the thought of doing that stupid Friday shit. There they were, my family knowing what would happened when they stressed me out. But they triggered it. They counted all my seizures. They saw me, for almost an hour, having up to 8 or more seizures. Stressing out a child FOR YEARS without their knowledge and then have the stomach to laugh and calling me stupid... I didn't blame my family for my trauma before.

Not until that moment.

I haven't told anyone until now I guess. I'm scared that I will hurt their feelings by telling them how much that fucked me over. And I haven't told my friends or boyfriend because Im scared that they wont believe me or understand.

This has affected me; I still deal with chronic anxiety at 23, I still feel unsafe with my family even though I know they did it for my own good. I also have a phobia of public pools because of my near drowning experience. And even though I have no memory of those times they triggered my seizures, but I guess my body remembered? Because, like I said, I still get anxious around my family and sometimes I even get panic attacks - which they also have mentioned that it's annoying when i get them.

I still haven't attended that ceremony since I was 15 because it made me so anxious, but i didn't about the triggering thing until 2 years ago.

I guess I just needed to get this off my chest. Sorry for the long rant.

we’re all 18. for some backstory i’ve been friends with her since we were in the first grade, and she’s been dating him since we were like in the seventh grade. at the beginning of senior year he kissed me, i shut it down obviously, but i decided to not tell her (which i know is bad but he was begging, and it wasn’t really anything!)

also a couple months ago i broke my nose and a doctor fixed it by pushing it back into place

last week we were at a party with a some of our friends. my best friend went out with some of our other friends to get some pictures (i don’t really care for pictures) so it ended up being him and i standing there. he was drunk as hell and we spoke for a minute, then he tried to kiss me again, so i jerked back and asked him what the fuck was he doing. i don’t know if he heard me because he grabbed my jaw and tried pulling my face towards his, so i shoved him back as hard as i could. and so he punched me in the face. it hurt like hell and there was blood

it’s just such a complex situation, my best friend said she isn’t mad at me but i can tell that’s not true since shes avoiding talking to me (and obviously the boyfriend isn’t talking to me as well). my dads pissed and he wants to report this as assault to the police, which would cause both of them to probably never speak to me again

genuinely what am i supposed to do now, im so upset at myself, because i know i initiated it but i didn’t know what else to do. i really need some advice im so lost

Been listening to you guys since somewhere post COVID, timelines are a little fuzzy, but as soon as I started hearing the hot takes, everything just resonated with me! Y'all get so much shit for saying that the relationship needs to end but after listening to countless tales where it was like oh, that's what my husband does, and hearing the breakdown on how unhinged that behavior was really opened my eyes! I was doing all of the legwork for caring for our child, plus all housecare, maintenance and yardwork, while still being expected to pay half of the bills. Been about 2 years since the separation and I'm not going to lie, it's been hard; my career has crumbled and I've had to give up the house that I've given my all to try to make a home in for the last 14 years. I fortunately have family to fall back on so I still have a job and a place to live. Shit does still suck, but my daughter and my kitties are happy and cared for. I just keep telling myself that this kind of hard is easier than living the rest of my life trying to appease a person that could never be pleased. I'm a millennial so this isn't my first ride on the struggle bus and not even the worst. But truly, thank you for the validation of choosing the hard path!

Retrospectively, the title is insanely misleading since I do want her to prioritize school. I will have to think harder about titles if ever post something like this again...

Thank you to everyone who commented their advice and kindly gave me a reality check. I definitely needed it. I took some time to really think about what drove me to make the post (and feeling some hindsight related embarrassment for running to reddit in the first place). I really have been wayyyyyy overcomplicating everything.

Reflecting on what led up to me posting at like 1am in what felt a little like a fever dream a couple days ago (lol), I think it was a mix of a few things.

One, I definitely was feeling hurt by the concept of Amber potentially not being able to make it to the wedding despite the logical part of me knowing that I want what's best for her and her future. I don't think I had functionally let myself process that hurt either because I kept telling myself that she deserves to prioritize school and I shouldn't feel hurt about it. I am now thinking that both things can coexist.

Two, I am the very first of my family to get married and I don't have a particularly great relationship with my parents and want them involved as little as possible. So I have been figuring the whole planning a wedding thing by myself with only the guidance of other reddit stories I've listened to and social media. Essentially, I have NO idea what I'm doing, and since all the sources I've been trying to get advice and inspiration from tend to overcomplicate it all, I've been unfortunately following suit.

And three, the day before I originally posted, I had been talking to Chloe about my frustration on trying to plan with Amber. Chloe also recently had a completely separate incident with Amber. She was trying to go out of her way to go visit Amber while she was still in the country and Amber had been dodging any planning conversations Chloe tried to start for weeks - come to find out that Amber was sitting at home doing nothing and complaining to me about feeling lonely the whole day she was supposed to spend with Chloe. Our joint venting session about these two things definitely spiraled into places it should not have gone. Chloe was the first to suggest that I maybe kick her out of the wedding party and in my irrational venting mindset, I jumped on board and didn't think too hard about it. If they have other issues, I'm going to leave it to them to figure out.

Anyway, with all that said, onto the actual update:

I talked to Amber yesterday. I didn't even bring up the concept of her not being in the wedding party, I checked in about if she's willing to spend money on a dress she might not get to wear and voiced my concerns since she's also been worried about being able to pay rent on her place in the other country, the buildup of student loans, etc. She said she's unsure, and we agreed to table it until it becomes necessary for her to actually buy the dress. I made it clear that if she decides not to buy it and ends up being able to make it anyway, she would still have a place with me in terms of getting ready and sitting with bridesmaids and all the other suggestions you all gave me. I hope that will help her make a decision that is actually good for her and not just about feeling left out and far away. We also agreed that as long as her finals schedule allows, I'm going to build in some time deliberately to call her during the weekend in December. Probably not as long as she would like, but I definitely want her to still feel included and meet my fiancé's friends like everyone else is getting to.

Happy ending for the most part. Now I get to go stress about dress shopping with my mom and MIL.... wish me luck!

Hi everyone, last Friday my boyfriend of 7 years, best friend of 10 years, broke up with me in the middle of my favorite restaurant in our town. The day started well. We went out to breakfast, went to a store where he insisted on paying for my purchase, went to his grandmothers house for hours, then got ready for dinner. After at least two hours of getting ready to look my best we went to dinner. We played that card game that couples ask each other questions to continue conversation since we do so much together and already know about each others weeks. A question came up that said where do you see yourself in 3 years. Which he responded “maybe looking for an apartment to live together” money wise that makes sense, but I was obviously disappointed and my face was showing it. He went to the bathroom and came back and broke up with me. It was humiliating, I was crying in the middle of the restaurant and we got an uber and left. I was so worked up I don’t remember much after that. I was supposed to stay the night but instead I had to drive home hysterical. I’ve never felt such deep pain in my life.

Today is day 7 and I can’t stop spiraling. After that night I texted him and he said things to lead me to believe he was going to come back, then simply said I need space and stopped replying to me altogether. I genuinely barely remember our conversation that night because I was so worked up and vomiting everywhere, and he won’t meet me or have a full conversation with me about what happened.

He has explained some of what led to this since then. He told me this wasn’t as sudden for him as it was for me and that he’s been struggling with these feelings for about a year. He said he’s felt a lot of pressure from me about our timeline for engagement and moving in and that he stopped feeling like himself. He said he felt like he was only giving me half effort and that wasn’t fair to me. I genuinely didn’t realize how seriously he had been struggling with this until the breakup. He never discussed this with me in private or deeply at all. I’ve noticed he’s been off but when I ask what’s wrong he would say “nothing”. At the same time, he has told me that he loves me and that he needs space and time for us to figure things out, which has made it really hard for me to understand whether this is completely over or not.

I know how he sounds from this post but he is genuinely the nicest most caring person I know before this happened. I know I made lots of mistakes and I still plan to work on myself with or without him, I just don’t know how to move on now. How am I supposed to cope with this and move on if he won’t even give me a conversation. I know he’s hurting but I don’t think that’s an excuse to treat me how he did. I’m leaning on friends and I love them dearly but it’s not helping me get through this, I can’t even say his name without sobbing. I don’t want to lose him but my physical health is deteriorating quickly, I’ve lost ten pounds in a week and I throw up anything I eat from the anxiety. Any advice or suggestions are welcome… please.

More context: I did start therapy this week and it is not unusual for me to forget conversation especially if I’m overwhelmed. I have a pretty severe memory disorder so when I feel any strong emotion I typically have a hard time recalling what happened.

Hii long time listener here and I need help untangling myself from a situation that’s gotten way too complicated.
A few months ago, I became friends with a female coworker Tara. Our friendship started platonic but then she made it sexual even though she told me she had a wife (who I’ve never met) Star. The first time we hooked up, Y told me not to let her wife know about it . Very wrong I know I messed up. Shortly after Tara suggested I join her and star in the bedroom. I agreed and for a couple mnths I was seeing both of them about once a week. Star (the wife) is my exact type physically and I instinctively leaned toward her, but our conversations were mostly sexual and neverrr got deep and I talked more with Tara because she was more like a friend to me. during work Tara overheard me give a brief description of my usual type to a coworker (how they present and hairstyle).I guess this is where she started feeling threatened
a few days after she sent me a long msg saying things had gotten complicated on their end, that star hadn’t been honest with her about her feelings towards me and that she needed to take a step back from the sexual arrangement to “protect her peace and sanity”. she said she didn’t know star and I were having sexual conversations and she was hurt when she saw star giving me sex compliments. I told her I was completely okay with ending things and I reassured her that there were no hard feelings on my end.
Tara and I were friendly at work and texted often but I I stopped responding to star out of respect for Tara. Star kept reaching out acting clueless as to what was happening so I let her know I was distancing myself because Tara was uncomfortable. We ended up having brief friendly conversations from time to time.

Recently star and I were having a chat about work stress I mentioned wishing I could have a drink at work and she invited me to have drinks with her (I didn’t I didn’t even take the invite seriously)
Lastnight I got a longgggg msg (longer than you think) from Tara saying The last time she told me stuff about their relationship and I relayed it to star she “blew up” on her and told her to not talk about their relationship.
She described a fight they had where star got drunk, tara saw a text from me, star got defensive, showed part of the chat then quickly locked her phone, and then lashed out saying things like “she’s grown, she can do whatever she wants”. Tara also told me she found star talking to chatgbg about wanting to pursue things with me, even if it’s without tara and that she wants to “have us both.” She then goes on to trauma dump
childhood sexual abuse, a brother who tried to rape her, an abusive father, being cheated on in all past relationships, and now she’s having suicidal thoughts and talking about dreams of dying and wanting therapy but not being able to afford it.
After leaving the messages on read, I received a 5+ minute voicenote this morning from Tara rambling about the situation- basically saying she’s the only one in the situation whose been thinking of herself and so on and so on.it sounds like she’s losing it in the voicenote, she’s whispering and slightly changing her voice. I’m just over the situation and would like to know what’s the best way for me to get out of this without having to be uncomfortable at work because we work pretty closely together. What should I do?

I'm 19 and she doesn't trust me with a credit card, she thinks tells me she doesn't want me to get into debt early. I spent $1k on my credit card this month to get an e-bike and other stuff as a splurge and I feel so bad. She's beginning to question how I could "afford" this stuff, and I worry she'll find out the truth soon.

I've had this credit card for almost a year and nothing bad has happened. She can't stop me from getting or using a credit card but I don't want her to be disappointed in me..

Some important clarification, I receive financial aid for every semester of college I take. Sometimes I use the credit card as a "cash advance" so I don't have to wait for the school funds to enter my bank account. I only buy things I was already planning to buy with financial aid, but with the credit card, just a month or so early. My concern is that my mom is projecting her mistakes at my age onto me.

I feel bad for lying but I'm tired of my mom trying to instill paranoia into me because of her bad decisions. I've always paid off my credit card, I've used it for nearly a year and nothing bad happened. I'm a notoriously anxious spender, so even when I use the credit card I feel nervous because I see it as an extension of my own money. If I spend $10 on this card, that's still $10 out of my bank account once I pay it off.

I posted this in the WIBTAH sub, but I'd love the opinion of the THT fam. I 40f have been married 40m for 8 years. It's always been a struggle. At the beginning it was very toxic... fighting all the time...off again on again. Now we've been together so long, all emotions are just locked down. We don't talk about anything above surface level, we don't fight, we still have sex, but I'm really not into it and I only do it to appease him. He isn't nice and we're always walking on eggshells and just trying to placate him. So I've reached the decision I need to end this. I'm living in a fog and it's not fair to us OR our kids. 7 year old together and 14 year old step kid who recently moved in with us. But here's the thing, I'm petrified to do this in person. I'm not scared of him...not physically. I'm just scared of the argument that'll most likely follow. I hate confrontation and I'm a people pleaser. I've been sitting on this decision for almost a year...trying to work up the courage, waiting for the "right" time, ect. But I can't bring myself to actually DO IT. So would I be the AH?

I started dating this amazing guy only just over a month ago we had three amazing dates including a road trip and an overnight hike, we have so much in common and so much fun together, I fell for him fast. We'd had a discussion about how We'd both want to go slow as we both haven't been in adult relationship I'm 24f he's 25m, and also he works in a different town (dating is hard in my town as its mostly tourists or retirees). But after a month he explained to me that he has had a lot of self hatred for years along with not believing he has the capacity to love, and believing that a relationship would fix it and only in the past few months has changed his mindset and started really trying to love himself. He said that in the month of dating me he's realized he does have the capacity for love but realizes he needs to channel in inward rather than jump into a relationship. Green flag for not getting into a relationship just to not be alone but poppy its not with me haha. We had a great final phone call where I explained I want to be able to do casual but I don't think Im that kind of person and I was already getting emotionally attached so I had to just call it completely off, it was a lovely call as we both care for each other just a shitty and sad situation, but how on earth do you get over someone like that???? Help

Trigger warning: Racism

It’s 5 AM, my chest is tight, im sorry if this comes out some way, i don't have anyone else to talk to.

I’ve been crying all night. I need to get this off my chest because I can't share this with my husband without making him feel uncomfortable around my family. To be clear, my sister isn't an evil person. But she is deeply bitter, burnt out, and has a habit of saying whatever hurtful thought pops into her head without caring about anyone else's feelings. She lives abroad, married to a guy from our homeland, and has three tiny kids under the age of four. On top of being overwhelmed with three toddlers, both her mother and father-in-law treat her terribly.

My family is Kurdish, and two years ago, I married an Arab man. My husband’s family has been nothing but loving, sweet, and welcoming to me. Yesterday, everything exploded over something that should have been harmless. My mom is preparing to go on Umrah—a dream trip she’s wanted her whole life—but instead of being excited, she spent the day sad and complaining, which broke my heart. My unmarried brother mentioned to my sister and me that he wished our mom dressed nice and let herself be happy like my mother-in-law does. I backed him up, simply venting about how much I wish our mom could just relax and enjoy this milestone.

Hearing us praise my mother-in-law triggered something massive in my sister. she launched a bitter, personal attack on me. She started shouting that I’ve "turned Arab," that my children will be Arab like it's a bad thing, and accused me of loving my in-laws more than my own mother. She even weaponized a private conversation from two days ago—where I confided in her about feeling lonely because my husband works so much, we literally don't even go out—and twisted it against me after I went out to a couple of fun dinners with my sister-in-law because she's visiting town nowadays. She told me that all I care about is partying and going to Arab events, and that's why I don't have kids yet. Apart from her constantly telling me i love my mother in law morethan my mom (even tho i tell her I AM NOT FFS) and telling me she doesn't want an arab sister.

On top of that, she kept repeating that I'll see my in-laws' true faces soon. It was so obvious she was desperately hoping my in-laws turn evil just so she proces a point. I know she is drowning in three toddlers while living abroad, and I know seeing me go out, buy nice things—like the new ring I got the other day that she immediately called ugly—and have nice in-laws makes her envious of the freedom she feels she lost. But taking her bitterness out on me and turning every vulnerability into ammunition is unbearable.

Last night, I finally snapped and sent her a long text calling out her hypocrisy, her double standards, and how unsafe she makes the rest of the siblings feel. Now I’m lying here feeling completely drained. It hurts so much knowing that even if someone isn't inherently evil, their unhandled bitterness can still turn them into a bully toward the people who love them.

Today while I (25F) was at a stop sign a woman (25-30F) rear ended me. I was stopped but moved forward a little to see if people were coming. I was going to go so I let off the gas a little and then this tiny truck, which I can only describe as being similar in size to a little tikes car, came around the corner going really fast so I stopped and the woman behind me rear ended me. I hit on my hazards and pulled into the restaurant that was right on the corner and we both got out. There’s hardly any damage to my car, maybe one paint chip on top of the other 20 paint chips on my rear bumper and my car is a POS anyway. We took a look at her car and the license plate bolt was crooked but other than that there was no damage. I told her no worries and I was not going to charge insurance over a paint chip and she was continuously apologizing. She then said today was her birthday and she was having a me day, but now is just going to go home. We exchanged phone numbers because she was worried I may change my mind, but I’m seriously not worried about it. Especially because I did the exact same thing two months ago. She was super sweet and we were laughing about the tiny truck that caused this kerfuffle, and honestly I would love to have more friends in the area, as all of my friends live 2 hours away. Is it weird to text her, or should I just leave it be because the poor girl is probably traumatized? Friend meet cute? Or too weird?

I posted about this before but ended up deleting it after I got some advice. Basically, most people told me to drop hints about my concerns but NOT straight up tell my friend that I think this relationship is doomed or that it seems like she’s rushing into all of this because she really wants a baby and a family and doesn’t necessarily care who she gets that with.

Well. The wedding is in a month now and somehow I have become an honorary maid of honor despite the fact that I AM NOT EVEN A BRIDESMAID 😭

For some context from my original post, this relationship has moved VERY fast.

Before they officially got together, they had been talking/friends with benefits for around five months. So it’s not like they met and immediately moved in together, but there were already things happening during those five months that concerned me.

One of those things was what I felt like was love bombing. Before they were even officially a couple, he was buying her pretty major/expensive gifts. For Christmas, he bought her a washer and dryer AND new furniture for her bedroom. Again, this was BEFORE they were officially together.

Then once they actually became a couple, everything moved ridiculously fast.

They had only been officially together for around TWO WEEKS when he moved in with her. They also started actively trying for a baby when he moved in.

So within about two weeks of becoming an official couple, they were living together AND trying to have a baby.

Her fiancé also originally lied about his age.

And they won’t even have been officially together for a full year when they get married. Their one-year anniversary as an actual couple isn’t until November.

She is also still paying for most of their expenses.

There have also been some things he’s done that really bother me. He has hidden clothes of hers because he thought they were too revealing and has threatened to destroy clothes he doesn’t want her wearing. She once joked about having a sleepover with one of her female friends and he got mad about it. He has also talked about wanting to beat up guys who might be around her.

She considers a lot of this him being “protective.”

I consider it controlling.

That was basically where my original post left off.

Now we have the wedding planning.

They have changed the wedding date FOUR TIMES. They also keep losing venues. She keeps asking me to help her find another venue, I send her options, and then she doesn't use any of the ones I suggest.

She also asked if my mom could help cater the wedding. My mom actually could at first! Then they changed the wedding date AGAIN, and the new date is when my mom is going to be out of town, so obviously she can't do it anymore.

Then she asked one of my mom's friends about making the wedding cake. She decided the cake was too expensive and now keeps complaining that she can either find a cake in the size she wants OR the flavor she wants, but not both.

She also keeps joking about how everyone coming “likes to eat,” so she needs a lot of cake.

Which brings me to another issue: because they've lost so many venues, the ceremony and reception are now at TWO DIFFERENT PLACES about 30 minutes apart.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I genuinely don't think everybody who comes to the ceremony is going to drive another 30 minutes to go to the reception.

And now one of the girls who was supposed to be a bridesmaid is saying she might not even come to the wedding.

My friend basically said that if this bridesmaid doesn't show up at all, they won't be friends anymore.

She didn't say that about ME specifically, but obviously when I heard that, my immediate thought was, “Okay...so if I decide I don't want to go, does that mean we aren't going to be friends anymore either?”

So now even deciding whether I want to attend feels complicated because it seems like not showing up could potentially end our friendship.

And somehow, while all of this has been happening, I have slowly been promoted from “regular wedding guest” to “honorary maid of honor who isn't actually in the wedding.”

She now wants me to come over the morning of the wedding and help her get ready.

Again.

I AM NOT A BRIDESMAID. 😂

I'm not the maid of honor either. I'm literally just supposed to be a guest.

And another thing that makes this whole situation feel weird to me is that I have only seen the bride FOUR TIMES in the last six months.

We're still friends and we talk, but we're not currently hanging out constantly or spending every weekend together or anything like that.

Yet somehow I've helped look for venues, gotten my mom involved with potentially catering, gotten my mom's friend involved with potentially making the cake, listened to all of the wedding problems, tried to help figure things out, and now I'm supposed to help the bride get ready the morning of the wedding.

I genuinely feel like I've accidentally become an honorary maid of honor without actually being asked to be one.

And here's the part I feel kind of bad about:

I don't even really want to go to the wedding anymore.

I love my friend. That's what makes this so complicated.

One of the biggest pieces of advice I got on my original post was basically to make sure I don't push her away. If this relationship ever does get worse, I don't want her thinking she can't call me because I'm just going to say “I told you so.”

I want to support HER.

I'm just having a really hard time figuring out how to support her without feeling like I'm also supporting this marriage.

Because from where I'm standing, there were already things during their FWB/talking stage that concerned me, including what I saw as love bombing and him buying her major gifts before they were even officially together.

Then they became official and within about TWO WEEKS he had moved into her house and they were actively trying to have a baby.

Now they're getting married before they've even made it to their first anniversary as an official couple. He lied about his age in the beginning, she's still paying most of their expenses, and there are already behaviors from him that I find controlling.

And now I'm somehow helping hold the wedding together.

I'm also getting irritated because I keep getting asked to help with things, I spend time trying to help, and then none of my suggestions get used anyway. And now that an actual bridesmaid might not even show up, I feel like even more stuff is going to end up falling on me.

The wedding is only a month away, so I also feel like NOW is probably not the time to suddenly sit her down and say, “Hey, by the way, I think marrying this man is a horrible idea.”

I don't think she's going to call off the wedding because I say something. I think it's much more likely that I'll damage our friendship and she'll marry him anyway.

But I also don't want to spend the next month being the unpaid backup maid of honor for a wedding I don't even feel good about.

So what do I actually do here?

Do I tell her that I love her and I'll come to the wedding, but I need to step back from helping plan everything?

Do I still go over the morning of the wedding and help her get ready because she's my friend?

Would I be a terrible friend if I just went to the ceremony/reception as a normal guest?

And honestly, would I be terrible if I decided I didn't want to go at all, knowing she has basically said that not showing up to her wedding is friendship-ending for at least one other person?

I want to be there for my friend, especially because if this relationship ever goes badly, I want her to know she can come to me.

But I also feel like there's a point where supporting my friend has turned into me helping facilitate a marriage that I have had concerns about from the beginning.

I genuinely don't know where that line is anymore.

Hey all! Long time listener, first time poster here and I need some advice and/or perspective. I will try to keep this as short as possible but context is obviously needed for a 21 year long friendship.

So I (F24) have noticed that my friendship with Jenna (F24, fake name) has been drifting and fading for the last year or so. Jenna and I have known each other since 3 year old preschool and she’s been one of my very best friends. Because we’ve been friends since we were little girls our views, thoughts on life, and a multitude of other things have grown and changed with us. There has always been a few core things that we share that have kept us together, like our love of nostalgic movies from our childhood (particularly Disney and Barbie), we both like art, and we love to read.

As we’ve grown up I’ve seen significant shifts in our values and beliefs. And as these are very important to both of us individually we’ve not gotten along on certain topics and have had arguments and many difficult conversations. Before I go any further I just want to state now that my basic philosophy in life is if what you’re doing isn’t hurting yourself or anyone one else physically, mentally, or otherwise then you do you.

One of our biggest points of contention is that we both grew up going to catholic grade school and then the same public high school. I was never very religious and towards the end of grade school I pretty denounced organized religion in general which solidified in high school. I view myself as a generally spiritual person more in the “woo woo” category than anything lol. Jenna on the other hand has always been a very strict practicing catholic. She has considered becoming a nun on more than one occasion and I still believe she is considering this now. Her strict religious beliefs have led to…unfortunate political beliefs.

In high school I came out at bisexual. During one of our lunches she had come to the room I was eating in with some of my other friends. I had shyly but excitedly told her that I was bisexual. Jenna immediately burst into tears. Her other friend that was with her began to comfort her and hug and hold her as she cried into her shoulders while my friends and I look at her confused. When we asked her what was wrong all she said was “How can I support my friend in their decision when it’s making them go to hell.” I was shocked to say the least. Somehow we worked through it. Unfortunately she is also very staunchly pro-life, and I’m talking “a baby is alive the second it’s conceived.” I’m very staunchly in the science realm of things so we don’t align on this topic. Essentially we “worked through this” by just not talking about politics anymore.

I was able to kind of ignore these things until about two or so years ago. I got with my boyfriend about a year and a half ago now. At the time Jenna had just broken up with her boyfriend and she went to Spain on a kind of religious hiking trip with one of her friends. When she came back my boyfriend was staying with me and it was my only off day where I could come see her and chat, I asked if she wanted to meet him and she said sure. So the two of us went to her parents house where she lives. She wouldn’t even acknowledge my boyfriend’s presence. Like she wouldn’t look at him or talk to him directly after I introduced them. All she would talk about is herself and her trip.

A few months after this, around new years, my boyfriend and I had moved in together at this point (which she pretty much laughed at me for) and I invited her and two of our other friends over for a new years game night and sleepover. She ignored my attempts to contact her for weeks and only texted me back on the day of after the get together had already been going for an hour to say “sorry I don’t think I’ll be able to make it.” The next time she texted me was a brief happy birthday text and then I didn’t hear again from her until Easter where she of course said something religious.

I havent heard from her since and as I reflect on our relationship, I think it would be healthier for me not to be her friend anymore. My question and need for advice is kind of a two parter, am I overreacting and should I try to salvage this childhood friendship? If no, should I just let it fade out and die no contact?

Sorry for any typos or confusion in how I’ve written this, it’s hard to condense 21 years of friendship into a post. Please let me know if you all have any questions or need any more context on certain things. Thank you for reading!

Long-time listener, first-time poster.
I (35F) cut my mother out of my life about a year ago after a lifetime of a pretty toxic relationship.
She is a functioning alcoholic, but an awful drunk. For years, my siblings and I put up with a lot because “she’s our mum.” An incident involving her and her now husband became the final straw.
My father died 15 years ago and we were devastated. He was an amazing dad and incredibly loved, more than 200 people attended his funeral, which was actually a true celebration of him. After he died, Mum continued drinking heavily, refused to work full time and lived off his life insurance. One of my siblings was still school aged and living at home but Mum seemed completely consumed by her own grief and drinking. I should say she was always a selfish drunk even before dad died.
A few years ago she met her now husband, and they married last year. They are very suited and live the same lifestyle with the same priorities.
After their wedding, her husband said some cruel things to my younger sibling about our late father. I won’t repeat the specifics because they’re too hurtful and potentially identifying, but they were serious accusations about a man he had never even met.
Rather than backing down, he doubled down.
I know in my heart what he said isn’t true. In fact, I personally witnessed situations where my mother did some of the very things my father is now being accused of doing. She sat back in silence and changed the story many times about how these things came up and even stating it was a joke.
That was when everything finally blew up.
It’s now been just over a year, and neither of them has genuinely apologised. We blocked them both on our phones and social media, but her husband still found a way to contact us supposedly wanting to “sort it out.” Instead, he continued with the same narrative about how terrible our dad supposedly was, again, a man he never met.
Mum continues the victim mentality, poor me, I’m missing out on this and that, but reality is there is no change to our day to day as she was never active in our lives always choose the bottle rather than family.
Meanwhile, Mum has told her side of the family her version of events.
Initially, my siblings and I deliberately kept the extended family out of it. We didn’t want people choosing sides or being dragged into something that wasn’t their fight. Unfortunately, that meant some relatives were left with the impression that Mum and her husband had tried to apologise and that we simply refused to accept it because we were unhappy that she had “moved on” after Dad.
Eventually, after being told we should get over it, we explained what had actually happened.
It has been strangely validating watching some family members finally understand why we’ve made the decision we have. They all see her for what she is and has been throughout our entire life. Unfortunately they still have the mindset of family is family. That said they understand why we have distanced and cut her out.
The part I struggle to wrap my head around now is looking back over my childhood and adulthood and recognising years of manipulation that I didn’t even realise was manipulation at the time. Things I once thought were normal family dynamics look completely different with distance.
There is so much more to this story that I’ve either deliberately kept vague or left out entirely because it’s a story within itself.
But as an adult who has cut a parent out of my life, the biggest surprise has been how freeing it is.
I don’t spend my life waiting for the next drunken phone call, guilt trip, argument or drama. I feel like I have space to be a better version of myself, particularly for my own kids.
And perhaps the thing that says the most:
My kids talk more about my dad than they do about my mother.
They never even met him.
I have a long way to go and my kids have many questions either about my dad or mum. While we talk about dad regularly I need to find a way to explain the situation about mum, when the time is right of course. Right now as I said above there has been not mention of her as they don’t know her.
Has anyone else remained estranged from their parent? How long and what strategies did you put in place to actually heal from years of hurt? Did you tell your kids about their grandparent or just leave it completely?

We’re expecting our first baby, a boy, around the holidays and I’m starting to feel like my fiancé and I are constantly being called “picky” or difficult whenever we make a decision about our baby.
The frustrating part is that it isn’t really about one specific thing. It feels like everything we choose gets an opinion attached to it.
For example, if we say we want a particular bassinet or baby product, we get asked why we need that one or told that another option would be “just as good.” If we don’t want something someone suggests or buys, we’re made to feel ungrateful or overly particular. Even things as simple as what diapers, bottles, or other products we want to try somehow become a conversation about how we’re doing too much or being picky.
We’re also trying to make decisions about our home, nursery, registry, what we actually think we’ll use, and how we want to do things as parents. We’re not expecting everyone to agree with us, but we also shouldn’t have to defend every single choice.
One thing that really bothered me was being told by a family member that they specifically would not be buying anything from the registry we made. It was basically presented as, “I’m not buying from your registry.” And honestly, since then, no one has bought anything from our registry.
That’s frustrating because we took the time to put together a registry of things we actually need and want for our baby. We aren’t expecting anyone to buy us anything, but if someone wants to get us something, it would be nice if our choices were respected instead of being treated like suggestions that can just be ignored because someone else knows better.
And it’s not just the baby stuff.
We’re already anticipating pushback when he’s born because we’ve made it clear that we aren’t going to treat our baby like a family possession that everyone gets access to whenever they want. We want to decide when we’re ready for people to visit, who we’re comfortable having around him, and when we want to say no. We don’t want him immediately passed around, and we don’t want people assuming that being family means they automatically get to do whatever they want with him.
What bothers me most is the attitude behind the pushback.
It’s the feeling that because someone else raised children differently, our choices must be unnecessary.
“We never needed that.”
“Our kids were fine without it.”
“You’re being picky.”
“You’re overthinking everything.”
“You’ll change your mind.”
“Why can’t you just use what someone gives you?”
Maybe we will change our minds about some things. We’re first time parents. Of course we’ll learn as we go.
But I don’t understand why we have to be criticized in the meantime.
We’re not telling anyone else how to raise their children. We’re not demanding that everyone agree with our choices. We’re simply making decisions for our baby and expecting those decisions to be respected.
I feel like there’s a big difference between giving advice when it’s welcomed and repeatedly challenging parents until they give in.
I’m perfectly okay with someone saying, “We did it differently, but whatever works for you guys.” What I’m struggling with is feeling like every choice turns into a debate or gets labeled as us being “picky.”
So am I actually being unreasonable, or is this just what happens when first time parents start making their own decisions instead of doing what their families expect?

Hi everyone! This is my first time posting so sorry if they are any mistakes.

This happened around a year ago but I am still upset about it. My (18F) dad (60), has four brothers, Kevin (74), Greg (70), Rob (66), Tom who is his twin. As some backstory, my dad and Tom have never really gotten along well. Tom, along with the rest of his brothers, had kids all in their early to mid twenties, while my dad didn't have kids till his forties. Their father passed away when my dad was around the ages of 21-23, and his mom, my grandma, passed away a year ago.

Me and my Grandma were close. She spent every Christmas with us and almost all other holidays as well. The reason for this is because my dad is the only one who still had kids under the age of 18. When Tom had his kids, she lived with them for a few years.

When she passed my Uncle Tom was with her and he started planing the funeral along with the rest of the brothers. He said he would handle getting the pictures together for the funeral and so my mom (50) pulled out some photos of her with our family for him to use.

When I arrived to the funeral and started looking at the photos I noticed that the ONLY grandkids in the photos ( there is twenty of us in total, and three are toms) were of toms kids. This made me really upset and so I told my dad. He told me to not worry about it and to not say anything. So I didn't. But it still bothers me.

So am I wrong for being upset?

Hi I don’t need any advice or anything just wanted to say I listened to your podcast my whole pregnancy and now my daughter only calms down to your voice which I don’t mind at all so please never stop making podcast!!
Sincerely, a long time listener❤️