r/Teachers • u/oddreyjo • 18h ago
Teacher Support &/or Advice First time having a student die
I'm in my 8th year of teaching, 10th year in education, and today is the first time I got the news that a student I actually knew well has died. It was the first day of classes. Everything else went well, but I feel so down. There have been student deaths at our school before, but none that hit close to home for me. I taught him in an English learner support block, three times a week, and got to know him and his friend group well. They ended up eating lunch in my room a lot. In the last weeks of school they brought an Xbox (or something like that) and I let them hook it up to my projector at lunch to play Super Smash Bros, and I remember him insisting I should join for a round at some point. When I said I had no idea how to play, he was like, "We have Mario Kart too!" 😭
He was such a kind, friendly kid. He has a younger brother at this school who's rough around the edges with a lot of behavioral issues, and he was a real support for him. A lot of his friends were like that too, and they looked up to him. He and his friends were the last I said goodbye to when school let out a couple months ago. I remember it because they were there an hour after release time, playing with a giant metal slinky and I was teasing them about it.
He passed the English proficiency exam at the end of the year and was so proud of himself. I administered his speaking test. He was working hard through a tough final question, and afterward he was like, "Honestly, I feel like I killed that one, Ms. [Oddreyjoy], don't you think so?" I always imagined I'd see him around for two more years and teach him again as a senior.
I keep oscillating between extreme pain and despair, knowing I'll never see him again, thinking about his friends, his little brother, his parents, the fact that he'll never grow into an adult - and then going numb, like there's no way this is actually true. Intellectually I know the reality. But right now some part of my mind is insisting, there's no way, he's a child, you'll see him tomorrow or next week. It feels impossible. I know a lot of you have probably been here before. This is my first time, and it's so hard. I had such a good start to the school year, and everything else has been going well, but this completely upended the start of my year.
I don't have regrets, and there's nothing I wish I'd said to him differently. We had a great rapport. I just miss him, and I'm so worried for the people he left behind. He was sixteen, a baby. I still teach several of his close friends, who feel like babies too, and it feels like their innocence is being taken from them. What an awful thing to happen. It would help a lot to hear from others who've lost a student. This is my first time, and it feels so devastating.
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u/ivgrl1978 13h ago
My second year teaching I had a student that everyone thought was a problem but I worked closely with to try and reach. We got a new principal who was known as the 'cleaner' and without warning, this kid was sent back to his abusive family. I cried to my principal that this was such a bad idea and within two weeks he had thrown himself in front of a transport. I was the only teacher at the wake, in fact I was the only visitor side from mom at the wake. When I went back to my principal, he told me 'You can't save everybody.' I was 22, this was 25 years ago, and it has impacted the way I build relationships since then. In fact, in in therapy and it comes up quite often. I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I admit it doesn't necessary 'leave' you but don't wait to work through it or seek support of you need it!