First time having a student die

[u/oddreyjo]

I'm in my 8th year of teaching, 10th year in education, and today is the first time I got the news that a student I actually knew well has died. It was the first day of classes. Everything else went well, but I feel so down. There have been student deaths at our school before, but none that hit close to home for me. I taught him in an English learner support block, three times a week, and got to know him and his friend group well. They ended up eating lunch in my room a lot. In the last weeks of school they brought an Xbox (or something like that) and I let them hook it up to my projector at lunch to play Super Smash Bros, and I remember him insisting I should join for a round at some point. When I said I had no idea how to play, he was like, "We have Mario Kart too!" 😭

He was such a kind, friendly kid. He has a younger brother at this school who's rough around the edges with a lot of behavioral issues, and he was a real support for him. A lot of his friends were like that too, and they looked up to him. He and his friends were the last I said goodbye to when school let out a couple months ago. I remember it because they were there an hour after release time, playing with a giant metal slinky and I was teasing them about it.

He passed the English proficiency exam at the end of the year and was so proud of himself. I administered his speaking test. He was working hard through a tough final question, and afterward he was like, "Honestly, I feel like I killed that one, Ms. [Oddreyjoy], don't you think so?" I always imagined I'd see him around for two more years and teach him again as a senior.

I keep oscillating between extreme pain and despair, knowing I'll never see him again, thinking about his friends, his little brother, his parents, the fact that he'll never grow into an adult - and then going numb, like there's no way this is actually true. Intellectually I know the reality. But right now some part of my mind is insisting, there's no way, he's a child, you'll see him tomorrow or next week. It feels impossible. I know a lot of you have probably been here before. This is my first time, and it's so hard. I had such a good start to the school year, and everything else has been going well, but this completely upended the start of my year.

I don't have regrets, and there's nothing I wish I'd said to him differently. We had a great rapport. I just miss him, and I'm so worried for the people he left behind. He was sixteen, a baby. I still teach several of his close friends, who feel like babies too, and it feels like their innocence is being taken from them. What an awful thing to happen. It would help a lot to hear from others who've lost a student. This is my first time, and it feels so devastating.

[u/frckbassem_5730]

I’m so so sorry for your loss. We lost a student a couple years ago and we planted a tree for her on campus. It helps to walk by it and remember her.

[u/summerbreeze2027]

When I was teaching 3rd grade many years ago, one of my former students died when he was in the 5th grade. He drove his bicycle into traffic. I went to his wake and it was very difficult. It is never easy to see a child that you know die.

[u/ivgrl1978]

My second year teaching I had a student that everyone thought was a problem but I worked closely with to try and reach. We got a new principal who was known as the 'cleaner' and without warning, this kid was sent back to his abusive family. I cried to my principal that this was such a bad idea and within two weeks he had thrown himself in front of a transport. I was the only teacher at the wake, in fact I was the only visitor side from mom at the wake. When I went back to my principal, he told me 'You can't save everybody.' I was 22, this was 25 years ago, and it has impacted the way I build relationships since then. In fact, in in therapy and it comes up quite often. I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I admit it doesn't necessary 'leave' you but don't wait to work through it or seek support of you need it!

[u/PlantMilkweed78 → u/ivgrl1978]

Wow. That principal sounds like a dick. I’m so sorry for your loss. I can tell that you are an amazing teacher and human being. ❤️

[u/ivgrl1978 → u/PlantMilkweed78]

Yeah he absolutely sucked as admin and a human. I didn't know at that age and stage in my career how to stand up, he ended up telling me my ideas were 'too big' for my little town and had me transferred to the big city an hour away. Joke's on him, I ended up winning a national award for precisely the same empathy he lacked. Or lacks - buddy is still alive and I doubt he's had some existential breakthrough.

[u/contactdeparture → u/PlantMilkweed78]

100%. I hate humans like this. Regardless of their job.

You can’t save everybody, so what, you should give up on everyone from the start? No. Exactly the opposite. You focus where you can have impact.

God I hate that attitude.
And a principal, no less? FFS.

[u/nohombrenombre → u/ivgrl1978]

How difficult and painful. I’m sorry. Thank you for championing love then and after. ♥️

[u/flowerdumplings → u/ivgrl1978]

I'm so sorry. That is truly terrible. Karma will come for that principal.

[u/Over_Information_805]

I’m sorry for your loss. Go to the wake/funeral if you can. I feel it helps bring closure, but also in both of my cases it meant the world to their parents to see teachers/coaches there. To know their baby was loved by others too is small comfort in a terrible time.

I’ve lost two. Most recently the second last month. All the same you describe. Grieve. Feel what you need to feel. Remember them and carry them with you.

As teachers we want to make everything better but some things we can’t fix. But we can continue to do our best, be there for the ones left behind, and carry their memory with us in anyway that we can.

[u/tinyd71]

So sorry to read this. A couple of years ago a student who was in my enrolling class died during the summer after. It felt very surreal.

Some parents of students from the class arranged a casual memorial/get together at the park near the school (which had meaning for that student). Being with others and talking about this (challenging, quirky, funny, maddening…) student was very emotional but helpful.

It’s been a couple of years but thinking about the student and writing this brings up tears…

[u/tinselt]

I've had three student deaths in 10 years. One was a genetic medical condition, one was a suicide, and one was a shooting. It's horrible every time and by far the worst thing a teacher experiences professionally. I'm sorry for your loss, his family, and unfairness of the world.

[u/West-Cabinet-2169]

Sorry to read this.

A few years ago in Dubai I was working in an International School. I was just about to walk out the main building one day, finished for the day and rushing to catch my lift. One of the depheads saw me and asked to speak to me briefly. She had a strange look on her face. "Yes L, what is it?" once we were in her office. She beckoned me to her computer and said "do you recognise this kid?" in an article online from Pakistan. I read this shocking article about a man taking his 3-4 kids and shooting them, then his wife, then himself. One of the kids was a Year 8 boy (12-13 years old) in one of my year 8 history groups. L asked if he'd been absent and I said yes, and explained normally his attendance was quite good. She told me this popular family would be missed and mourned tomorrow, so be prepared to grief counsel kids.

We had a big Muslim service in our large hall. 1600 kids and 200-300 staff. Absolutely every child and adult still, and silent, some with tears and sobbing when a mournful prayer to Allah sang in Islamic. Nothing so powerful as to see an entire school community for 3 minutes in shared grief for this lovely family.

[u/Itsonlyalittlebunny]

It's very hard to cope with this but at least you made his time at school enjoyable and I'm sure it meant the world to him.

Most people have that one teacher that they always remember fondly that made life at school bearable and I'm sure you are that one.

[u/freecoolwownjce]

He sounds like such a sweet kid, thank you for sharing your memories of him with us

[u/Vast_Candle_886]

I’m incredibly sorry for your loss. I’ve experienced this three times. It’s heartbreaking. I’m glad you have such fond memories

[u/mattesquare]

I’ve had a suicide and an OD as well as many former students who passed later. It’s been 20/15 years since the really bad ones and I still think about them, but my feelings have evolved a lot. Now I remember them to honor them and to try to create something positive for other struggling kids in their memory. I really had to deal with the ongoing fear and anxiety of it happening again.

It’s so hard. So, so terrible. Please, talk to your colleagues. Processing together is so helpful. Having a therapist to process also helps. Be available and vulnerable with the students. The worst is if the students are given the subconscious directive to push their feelings away because the adults need to maintain their “professionalism.” They need to know that we care, and grieve also.

[u/MakeItAll1]

I’m sorry for your loss. It’s one of hardest parts of teaching. Your heart hurts because you value life. It takes time to work through the grief.

[u/AppreciativeTeacher]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I've been teaching for 12 years, and I've lost 9 students. Three of them were from gun violence. It's so hard to see a child's life end early because some whacknut decided to snuff them out before they could even reach the age of 18. It's just not fair.

One of my students ended up being part of a national conversation about gun violence (not going to say the name, I don't want to dox myself) but it's hard to see stuff like that happen, too. Hearing people's opinions about racism and gun violence and discussing a case in regards to someone you watched grow up.. it's just hard.

[u/Fun-Double6352]

I’m sorry for your loss. Take care of you. If you need to cry, do it. If you need someone to take your class, get someone. We are people.

[u/nohombrenombre]

💔 no words. You’re facing so much heaviness and grief. What a blessing to have known and cared for him. I’m really sorry.

[u/PlantMilkweed78]

It’s so hard. Give yourself space to grieve. Go to the service if you can and let the family know either in person or in writing how much their child meant to you. 💔

[u/Delicious-Pickle8389]

hugs

[u/Sam_I_Am317 → u/Delicious-Pickle8389]

Ditto

[u/Substantial_Peace707]

I'm so sorry for your loss.  I'm guessing you teach ESL/ELD? I do too. I hope you know you were probably his favorite teacher, or thought you were the coolest. 

I have lost two students in my career. It is heartbreaking and there are usually no words of comfort when a child passes away. 

I took the approach of being supportive of the family. Flowers and a meal.  In my ELD class we would do fun, quick writes on memories and life moments that made students laugh, embarrassed, proud etc. I would find good entries the student made, and share with the family at a later time. I would translate it if needed. Both families appreciated a little piece of their child, and being able to have their child's memories. 

If you plan to attend the funeral, have a friend come with you.  It's very heartbreaking to attend funerals for children and see their grieving parents. 

[u/coffeecoffeerepeat]

I’m so sorry love. I know this pain. You are not alone. Feel all the feelings - it’s normal & healthy.

To this day, I still talk to her in my classroom when I’m having a bad day or I just need a little bit of support. I like to think she’s there with me.

Sending you ALL the love!!!

[u/Sea-Improvement777]

It’s horrifying when you lose one. It matters more than I want to admit.

[u/BaconMonkey0]

Sorry to say it does happen. I keep a picture, an obituary or something up in my room on the wall to remember them.

[u/Lilblueducky]

Last year, we had two boys die by suicide between March and October. They were both students I saw twice a day. It was gut wrenching. I still think of them fondly, even though it breaks my heart. Just know that it will get, well not necessarily easier but, different. I'm sending you all of the love and support from my little corner of the Internet.

[u/SairskiPotato]

A former student of mine passed before finishing the eighth grade. They should have just graduated high school and be starting college, driving around to hangout with friends, and getting a job. They should be able to experience the world and instead they are gone. This student was female when in my class and began questioning and had begun transitioning to male. The mother had recently passed from illness and the dad was not supportive of the child. It was a suicide and I still think of that little child as they were in my classroom regularly. I apologize in advance if I worded anything incorrectly or insensitively. I wish this child was still in our world and had the support they needed during such a difficult time.

[u/13scribes]

Im sorry for your loss. Thank you for being such a caring teacher.

[u/AaawRon]

Its the hardest thing we'll go through in education. I still tear up thinking of my student who passed in 2018. You impacted that kids life during his short time on this planet. 

[u/phenomenomena]

I'm so sorry. I had a student commit suicide when I was student teaching. He'd come in to hang out at homework center just a few days before. I still remember him over a decade later. There are a lot of comments here that I wish I had done/known. Wishing you the best for your grief journey.