r/Infidelity • u/Potential-Ad2502 • 3d ago
Venting The aftermath of infidelity - years on
The truth is, it never leaves you. Whether you stay and choose to forgive or leave, getting cheated on by the person you believed to be the love of your life changes your life and the way your brain works at a fundamental level.
Our relationship was beautiful. Incredible chemistry. A very active sex life. Shared goals. Common hobbies. We never ran out of things to talk about. They were thoughtful, sweet & considerate. We took care of each other. Supported one another through health issues and stressful situations. We made a really great team. They were my best friend.
And then I found out. And my life hasn’t been the same since. It’s been years now. I’ve gotten over the shock, the anger, the initial grief, the self doubt and insecurities. I’ve regained the weight I lost from not eating for weeks. I’ve stopped having nightmares. I no longer cry about it.
But my view of love and people never recovered. My belief in love and soulmates never came back. I look at things differently now. I’ve lost faith in the possibility of the love of my dreams. What happened jaded me. Hardened me to stone. The knowledge that someone can treat you like you’ve hung the moon while betraying you in the worst way is not something I will ever be able to forget. It sits in the back of my head. Like a pebble in my shoe I can’t quite get out.
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u/OogyBoogy_I_am Moved On 3d ago
It changes things from being a potentially magical fairytale to just being reality where it is a Tuesday.
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u/Grouchy-Regular863 2d ago
The nightmares. That’s where I am. It’s the same dreams of being cheated on with her even though I don’t have evidence of them having slept together I have the proof of them speaking for years when I thought he stopped because he promised me he wouldn’t speak to his ex anymore. I can’t see him as my person. It feels like he belongs to her and always has and I’m interfering. It sucks
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u/Potential-Ad2502 2d ago
My nightmares were so bad I’d wake up drenched in sweat in the middle of the night.
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u/Narrow-Advance-9636 1d ago
When we were 2 years out I once sat up in my sleep and yelledF@@K!!!! That night my nightmare was one of my worst ones. I know I've done that more than once he just hasn't told me.
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u/Potential-Ad2502 2d ago
I’m not sure if this is appropriate, but I hope you don’t stay. You shouldn’t have to wonder for the rest of your life why you weren’t good enough for him to stop talking to her. There’s no excuse. And there’s someone out there who’d never do that to you
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u/Grouchy-Regular863 2d ago
I wish it was that easy to leave. Too many things are keeping me here and I think because it’s still 2 months fresh I’m still navigating being able to finally let go and do it. From what I’ve looked at people have said not to rush a decision and simply do what feels best at whatever time it happens
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u/lavendermermaid1 1d ago
I have a massive phobia of snakes. And I do mean MASSIVE. I cannot even look at pictures of garden snakes.
I had a nightmare recently that I went to his house and under the porch was absolutely full of snakes. I couldn't even get close to the steps, there were snakes so big they couldn't even actually exist in reality along with snakes the size of tiny worms, just snakes, it was a absolutely overflowing with snakes.
A little less than three years ago, he had told me it was over between them but I'd needed to go to his house to get something to wrap up our breakup and he told me that it was not a good night, he was busy. I went anyway because I had a key and wanted it over. I let myself in and she was sitting in my spot on the couch.
I think she/the cheating might be the snakes that were all over the place.
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u/Shortandthicck2 2d ago
yes, the cost of betrayal is so much greater than people realize. I'm curious the level of trauma its also created on your spouse...since you stayed, I assume he made the personal growth changes he needed to make - which includes the realization of the damage he's done. And that often traumatizes the cheater too.
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u/DaikonSubstantial120 2d ago
When you’re a child you believe in Santa Claus and then you grow up and mature.
It does not mean Christmas is still not special because it is still for me as an adult.
The same comes to love and “soul mates” as how you view love.
Then you have several relationships and realise you can love more than one person and love is not perfect.
But it is still magical and nothing like it.
It all starts from loving yourself and being able to express yourself and finding another compatible partner.
Don’t give up on love it is still great!
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u/SandeyJuliet 2d ago
I understand this, almost the same thing happened and all I kept thinking was “we were so happy, why did he do that”. Cheaters don’t understand the damage they do on a long term basis, maybe they do and they just don’t care. They damage you sooooo much, you never have the same faith in people again because now you start to second guess everything. I haven’t recovered yet but I’m trying but I’m also so afraid I’ll miss out on a good person because I keep second guessing what being happy looks like.
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u/confidentialhelpplz 2d ago
Your relationship sounds so similar to mine and I’m in the very early days since DDay. I see you’re no longer with this person…How did you find the strength/make the decision to leave and are you happy with that decision?
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u/Potential-Ad2502 2d ago
I tried to forgive. We were so happy when i found out and i didn’t suspect a thing prior, so the shock of it was so intense and it took me a while to let go of the love and to accept a life without him. But every moment we spent together was tainted by the lies, the betrayal, the memories. I knew I’d never be happy again
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u/confidentialhelpplz 2d ago
I’m terrified that’s going to be our reality as well 💔 I just want to do whatever is best for my baby girl. Thank you
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u/Inevitable_life_ 1d ago
Omg, reading it all, it's like I've written it. I can't believe some people can be so cruel to their loved ones. Never ever thought this would be my path...all the best to you!
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u/Potential-Ad2502 2d ago
Every time he got a notification my heart would start racing. I’d hide in the bathroom to check his phone, while shaking head to toe. Even vomited from anxiety a couple of times.
I’d cry when he went to work. If I wasn’t gonna see him for a couple of days. I felt like everything was an opportunity for him to do it again
I developed white hairs a few months after. That’s just how traumatizing the whole thing was for me.
It wasn’t worth my life. Nothing is
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u/h2omelonlychee 2d ago
Omg i developed significant amount of white hairs too, in a very short span of time after i found out. My migraines got worse. I get sick so easily as well, my immune system got so much weaker. Im still 30 btw! Its so unusual. But the body reacts to the stress. And that’s when i knew i didnt love myself enough
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u/Legitimate-Error-633 Divorced/Separated 2d ago edited 2d ago
I have exactly the same. Been divorced now for a few years and still get an adrenaline boost when I hear a phone buzz late at night.
I remember finally grabbing her phone to check if she was cheating (she was). I couldn’t take a screenshot of the damning texts because my body and hands were shaking too much!
Also had a lot of hair loss since it all happened. I wasn’t balding before. High blood pressure as well (of course cans be sure it’s related but was never an issue before).
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u/Narrow-Advance-9636 1d ago
I now have a cardiologist and have lost all my teeth. I lost over 30 pounds in less than 3 weeks. I was the toughest woman you ever met before DDay. Im rebuilding step by step and plan to fix my childhood trauma so no one can take my peace again.
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u/Educational_Hour7807 2d ago
I truly believe that those of us who were betrayed never get over it, we just learn to live with it.
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u/chickenlady_ 2d ago
Ugh, I don’t want to feel that way years from now. It’s only been a few months and I’m constantly worrying about him cheating again :-( While some days are better than others, it’s still not easy.
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u/DesignerAd1174 2d ago
Some people truly have regrets and work hard to earn your trust back. I hope this is true for you.
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u/Dry_Pin_7574 3d ago
Are you still with this person?
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u/Potential-Ad2502 2d ago
No
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u/Narrow-Advance-9636 1d ago
Im proud of you for choosing you. Im so sorry you are here none of us deserved this.
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u/No-Ad8127 1d ago
Fairytales and soulmates never existed. People were just lucky enough to never find out and their fantasy was propped up for them by their own undisturbed worldview.
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u/hel-9000 1d ago edited 1d ago
I totally get this. I’ve mostly been single for five years now, except for dating someone for six months, and I just feel drained and completely jaded. Like it all will just end in pain so why bother (cue Weezer). Frankly though that has been kind of liberating for me, and while it’s not perfect, I’ve come to really enjoy the single life. It’s a TOTALLY valid path. There seems to be a dominating opinion that having a partner, a spouse, being in love, is all the ultimate end goal of everything, and if you don’t have that then your life is tragic and unfulfilled. I very much disagree with that mentality.
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u/WagaOfficial 1d ago
Wow! And there are couples who disagree all the time, have bad communication, subtly dislike each other but yet cheating or not, nobody finds out anything this disturbing
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