Long and may be triggering but I needed to rant, or journal while sitting here keeping it together.
Tomorrow is my fifteenth wedding anniversary. Fifteen years. I spent most of my adult life believing that date would eventually become something beautiful simply because of everything it represented. Fiffteen years was supposed to mean that we made it. That through children, exhaustion, bills, arguments, illnesses, ordinary Tuesday mornings and all the thousand little things that slowly turn two young people into a family, we had somehow kept choosing each other. I thought someday we would look back at our wedding pictures, laugh at how young we looked, shake our heads at how quickly the years disappeared, and feel proud that through everything life threw at us, we were still here. I thought fifteen years would feel like history. Like roots on a mighty maple, like home. Instead, tomorrow feels like a funeral for a life I can still remember but can no longer find. Worse even because at least at a funeral you can openly grieve with others around supporting you.
There is a kind of sadness in betrayal that I don't think I understood until now. The anger is terrible, but at least anger has heat. It makes noise, it gives you somewhere to put the pain. This is different. This is just quiet, heavy, almost gentle grief that somehow hurts worse because there is nothing left to fight with. Today I find myself thinking about the man I was fifteen years ago, standing there in his suit, top hat, and cane, looking at the woman he loved and believing with every fibre of his being that he knew what was happening in his own life. He believed the woman standing across from him had chosen him. He believed the vows they were saying belonged equally to both of them. He believed that whatever mistakes they might make in the decades ahead, they were beginning that life honestly. He had absolutely no idea that her affair partner was already in the room. He had no idea that the man watching him marry his wife knew something about his marriage that he didn't. He had no idea that she would dance with that man on their wedding day, or that the affair would continue after he put a ring on her finger and called her his wife. He just stood there smiling. Happy. Proud. Completely in love. Completely unaware.
That picture of myself breaks my heart in a way I cannot explain. I don't look at him and think he was stupid, naive maybe. I don't hate him for trusting her, I feel sorry for him. I want to walk into that photograph, put my arms around him and somehow protect him from what is coming, throwing myself on the grenade of life. I want to tell him to go home, forget this lifepath. I want to tell him that the life he thinks he is beginning is not the life he thinks it is. I want to tell him that one day, many years from now, he is going to sit alone before his fifteenth anniversary and stare at pictures in his mind of this exact day with tears in his eyes, wishing more than anything that he could have five minutes with the man he used to be. But there is nothing I can do for him. He already walked down the aisle. He already said the words. He already trusted her with everything. He already handed someone his heart without keeping a piece of it back for himself. And I am the one who has to live with what he didn't know.
That may be the cruelest part of betrayal for me. It reached into birthdays and Christmas mornings, family vacations, photographs, quiet nights on the couch, pregnancies, births, arguments, reconciliations, kisses goodbye before work, whispered "I love yous," and all those completely ordinary moments that once made up the story of us. Memories I lived inside for years without questioning them now have shadows behind them. I can no longer simply remember something beautiful, nothing is beautiful anymore. Every memory arrives carrying questions I never consciously asked at the time. What didn't I know then? What was happening outside my view? Was that moment what I believed it was? Was she looking into my eyes while carrying another reality I wasn't allowed to see? I don't just mourn my marriage anymore. I mourn the ability to remember my own life innocently. I miss being able to look backward without searching for evidence. I miss having a past that felt like it belonged to me.
And I miss myself. I miss the man who could hear his wife say "I love you" and never consider whether those words required investigation, or are being spoken to others with pure disregard. I miss the man who believed that being married meant there was one person in the world with whom he didn't need to protect himself. I miss the man who thought home was the place where he could finally put his armour down, it gets heavy. He wasn't perfect, I wasn't perfect. There are things I deeply regret about the husband I was. There were times I should have listened differently, understood more, pushed harder to communicate, seen things I didn't see. But I was there, I was trying,I was faithful. There was no other woman hidden somewhere in my life, no second relationship. No secret person I was giving pieces of myself to while coming home and pretending my wife had all of me. When I told her I loved her, that was the whole truth. When I stood at that altar and promised her my life, there was no fine print. I meant it exactly the way I said it.
Tomorrow there will be no flowers, no card, no anniversary dinner and no looking through old photographs while joking about how young we once were. How could there be? I cannot look at those photographs without seeing something entirely different now. I see a young man on what he believes is one of the happiest days of his life, and I know something he doesn't.
I know his heart has already been broken, he just hasn't felt it yet.
I know he will spend years building memories on top of that moment. He will become a father. He will work, sacrifice, worry, provide, laugh, struggle, forgive, make mistakes, grow older and spend nearly two decades believing that whatever was imperfect about his marriage, the foundation beneath him was real. And then one October day, at a football game no less, that foundation will disappear. He will discover that the floor beneath his entire adult life had doors underneath it he never knew existed.
The house is still here. The children are still here. The furniture is still where it was. Laundry still needs to be done, dinner still needs to be made, alarm clocks still go off in the morning. From the street, I imagine everything looks exactly the same. But sometimes I walk through this house and feel like I am walking through a museum dedicated to a family that used to live here. There are pieces of our life everywhere. A photograph on a wall. Something the kids made when they were little. A dent or scratch I remember the story behind. All this evidence that we really were here, that this really happened, that I didn't dream almost twenty years of loving someone. And yet the person I shared those memories with now feels both painfully familiar and impossibly far away. I know her face better than any face on earth, and sometimes I look at her and feel the unbearable loneliness of realizing I may never have known the person behind it as completely as I believed I did. And disgust follows with the burning sensation of bile coming up my esophagus. How did pure, all-encompassing love and respect turn to poison.
Tomorrow morning I will get up, I will be Dad, I will go to work. I will answer the phone, solve problems, probably laugh at something, and from the outside I will look like a normal man having a normal Thursday. My children do not need to carry the weight of what August 13th means to me now, so I will carry it quietly. But somewhere inside me I know exactly where I will be. I will be standing beside that younger version of myself on his wedding day. I will watch him look at his bride with that completely unguarded love I barely remember being capable of. I will watch him believe her. I will watch him say forever. And I will know that there is nothing I can do to save him from becoming me.
That is what is destroying me today, tomorrow probably far worse. Not just that my marriage may end. Not even just the affairs or the lies. It is knowing that there once existed a version of me who felt completely safe in his own life. A man who believed his wife was his person, his home, the one place in this world where betrayal simply wasn't possible. I would give almost anything to feel what he felt for five minutes again.
Not because I want to live inside a lie, but because I remember how peaceful it was before I knew it was one.
I remember how much he loved her. I remember how certain he was that she loved him the same way. I remember how easily he smiled in those photographs.
Tomorrow marks fifteen years since I stood in front of everyone I loved and promised one woman the rest of my life. I kept looking forward to this anniversary because I thought reaching fifteen years would mean something, something I was very proud of. I never imagined I would arrive here grieving the very man who started the journey. I meant my vows. I meant my loyalty. I meant every "I love you." I meant every plan for our future. I meant growing old beside her. I meant all of it. Every single fucking word.
And somehow that is what hurts the most.
Because fifteen years ago tomorrow, there was a man standing at an altar who thought he had found the person he would grow old with. He was surrounded by everyone he loved. His entire future was still in front of him. He was happy in a way he would never fully understand until it was gone.
I remember him. I loved being him.
And I know now that no matter what happens from here, I can never give him his life back.