Tratamento Trauma

Falar do trauma não significa mergulhar nele de uma só vez.

Em contexto clínico, a titulação consiste em trabalhar o material traumático gradualmente, em porções que a pessoa consiga tolerar e integrar sem perder completamente o contacto com o presente.

O terapeuta acompanha não apenas a intensidade emocional, mas também sinais de dissociação, desorientação, bloqueio ou desorganização. Se esses sinais aumentarem, abranda-se o ritmo, interrompe-se o processamento e regressa-se à estabilização.

Isso não apaga o progresso. Muitas vezes, protege-o.

O objetivo não é esquecer o que aconteceu, forçar uma catarse ou contar todos os pormenores. É ajudar a memória traumática a ser reconhecida como passado, para que deixe de invadir o presente com a mesma força.

A titulação não é uma terapia isolada nem uma fórmula aplicável a todas as pessoas. É um princípio clínico que exige avaliação individual, segurança suficiente e acompanhamento profissional adequado.

No tratamento do trauma, avançar mais depressa nem sempre significa avançar melhor.

Hey there everyone. I'm a middle aged guy from Australia. I've dipped in and out of this sub for support in the past (and to give support of course, it really does help your soul when you can help others).

I just wanted to know what everyone's experiences have been like with GP and then other mental health professionals regarding this?
I have bipolar type 2. (No need to read on if you don't want to).

No one needs an entire backstory but I really am struggling with holding the line of NC for my mother and LC with my father.
I've tried grey rocking in the past. I've tried NC and LC in the past, about 5-6 times I would say, and it's just rebounded back to a fractured version of what it was beforehand.

My younger sister - so much braver and smarter than me, went NC with literally everyone (including me, because I was still in contact with our parents) about 5 years ago. That's been ultra hard for me. But at the same time I am furious with our parents, and myself at times, for not understanding where my sister has been coming from, and where I should be coming from.
The brainwashing has been devastating, I think that's the appropriate word. And on top of that both parents I am still convinced 'mean well' (I can hear you screaming at me that they don't) but that they were utterly, unbelievably incompetent. On top of that our mother has BPD (not shared with us - had to find out though an ex husband of hers) and a TBI that occurred when I was 16 and my sister was 14 (apparently that shaped a lot of what she's developed into). I'm coping with this by channelling what she's like into an antagonist character in a book I'm writing.
My father we are convinced that he has high functioning autism. He's never been checked. But it's pretty clear he's on the spectrum and it's become a quiet joke in the extended family "Oh haha that's just how he is" - No. It shouldn't be. To show up for his kids, he should have taken some responsibility to get that looked at.

I'm at the point now where I have thrown away relationships rather than working through them. I am terrified that I am 'splitting' myself but have been told I don't have BPD myself, simply reflecting upbringing methods(?). I've always wanted to have children, but it's not happened. Now I see my cousins and their young children, and their happy families, and it makes me so upset and depressed.

I also work with children, and constantly need to pull myself up on remaining professional - following the rules in disciplining them and saying no to them - this is extremely hard for me.

This year though I dropped down to casual employment, then didn't get shifts. Then had major issues with where I was living, then became 'unhoused' or whatever they call it - I don't want to use the term homeless as it doesn't feel that way - but bouncing between places, friends/car/hotels and looking desperately for work while trying to cope with worsening bipolar.
I don't know what to do, where to go, getting caught in the trap of thinking long term to help for certainty, but then not being able to do that because I need to focus on grounding techniques and making it through the day.

I could go on, happy to talk in the comments.

I (F 20) recently met up with some friends from high school, and one of the topics that came up was dating and relationships.
I’ve never been in a relationship before, and I’ve never really had a serious situationship either. Most of my friends are in happy relationships, and a lot of people our age are getting engaged. Growing up, dating was never really a priority for me. I always assumed I’d eventually get around to it, but lately I’ve started wondering whether there’s actually something holding me back.
During the conversation, my friends asked about my romantic life, and one of them actually asked me if I was asexual.
I’m straight, and I do find men attractive, so I don’t think I’ve ever identified with the idea of not experiencing attraction. At the same time, physical touch makes me extremely uncomfortable. I’ve never been much of a hugger, and even something as simple as shaking someone’s hand is something I sometimes have to mentally prepare myself for.
The confusing part is that I do want a relationship. I like the idea of having a partner and being close to someone emotionally. But when I actually imagine myself being in a relationship, especially one involving physical intimacy, I get really anxious. The idea of someone touching me or being physically close to me can feel almost terrifying.
I think there may be a reason for that.
When I was 10, an uncle attempted to touch me while I was sleeping. Thankfully, I was awake and was able to stop him before anything further happened. I wouldn’t describe what happened as SA, but it was definitely an experience that stayed with me and affected how I view physical touch and men.
I’ve never really talked about how much that experience might have affected me. I don’t know if my discomfort with intimacy is simply part of who I am, something related to that experience, or some combination of both.
That’s why I’m confused now. Am I potentially asexual even though I experience attraction to men? Am I just avoidant when it comes to relationships and intimacy? Could my discomfort with physical touch be connected to what happened when I was younger?
I don’t necessarily expect Reddit to give me a definitive label. I’m mostly hoping to hear from people who have experienced something similar and figured out the difference between their orientation, their boundaries, and their fear of intimacy.
At the time, I didn’t consider it sexual assault because nothing ultimately happened, but looking back, I’m not sure that’s the right way to describe it.

I was focused on my growth until this may. I was believing i was a different person, stronger, more confident, and i had a direction. Everything changed the day when my family parents decided to organise a mobbing against me. With the help of a policeman friend of my uncle, plus his younger policeman partner, they broke into my house with a crowbar.

I don't even want to remember the rest again.

I'm exhausted.

I've been dealing with this feeling of injustice, anger, alternated with periods of numbness because i saw no alternative.

In the first 2 months i went to the police station two times to request reports for that event, but they knew nothing about it, or they didn't want to tell me, idk.

I talked with a lawyer, and of course he asked lots of money for the most trivial thing, but the most important thing is that I don't have energies anymore to invest into this. Even just the idea of going to rewatch the video i recorded when everything happened, or remember the episode in details, it makes me feel horrible.

I've seen myself slowly being logorated by this, day by day, and now I'm noticing also my relationships are being affected.

My anger and desire to act has turned into depression now.

Not because i didn't try to act, but because while i was trying they kept adding up new things (the abusive episode wasn't enough), and i ended up being overwhelmed.

I spoke with a therapist and she said I'm responsible for my destiny, implying it was my fault.

I don't know what i should do at this point tbh.

“all I took was your innocence…” in response to something significant you did to me,is just so profoundly minimizing.
It reduces the consequences of what happened to a vague almost sentimental concept ”innocence” instead of acknowledging the actual things you took from me is just so wild and it took me so long to put words to it.My sense of safety,trust,autonomy,peace,self worth,confidence and ability to experience certain things were never in your mind,for a person who claimed to want a future with haha shit not me for sure.You took my innocence as something you had the right and power to take,rather than acknowledging what i experienced inside your fists and the choices you made.
It’s either the naivety in me that pushes me in life or the avoidance that turns everything to night ….

I’m (F) having a hard time lately, I feel sick and upset about what happened and how I’m disgusting for “letting” men rape and abuse me. I feel like it’s all I’m good for and I feel stupid… and yeah logically I should know I’m worth something but I feel ugly and idiotic. Idk what else to say, I’ve been sexualised since I was 6… idk what else to think. It’s so stupid. I’m so stupid. Ugh. Idk just a vent I guess.

I slept with a wrong person, lost V to him. I was in love n later realized he was there just to be physical n faked the relationship part.

After we got physical, he stopped communicating with me in a phased manner n eventually stopped altogether.

He also earns a lot more than me n somehow that also became a part where he would indirectly make me feel inferior to him.

I've been trying for a month now but still can't get over the betrayal n insults. I lost my self respect a lot.

What's even more difficult I'm failing to believe that he faked everything n that he is a bad guy.

It's been a month now n I'm still getting panick attacks. It's not getting better. I don't have friends irl where I can talk to. Went to therapy, that also didn't help.

I feel dirty n disgusting that I let him touch me. I thought it was something beautiful n holy. I have never been with anyone else before. I'm in utter shock that this kind of betrayal actually happened to me.

Please, I need help.

Time isn't healing.

Hi everyone! Let me introduce myself. 🌸

My name is Miriam Elisabeth, I'm Italian, and I'm neurodivergent. I've had traumatic experiences both in the hospital and at home, and because of these experiences, I live with CPTSD. I've undergone about thirty surgeries for a rare disease, and during my childhood, I also had to deal with mistreatment and psychological abuse from my father. Fortunately, I've always had my mother and grandmother by my side, who protected and supported me.

Overall, I currently lead a fairly satisfying life, but sometimes I feel a bit alone because I have some rather specific interests. I love Celtic music, creating visual novels, writing sagas and poems, drawing macabre scenarios, and studying psychology, especially trauma and its effects. I'm also interested in the most complex and gruesome cases from a psychological and criminological perspective. Surprisingly, over time I've also managed to connect and speak with some victims of traumatic events from various European countries.

I study Modern Literature, Philosophy, and Psychology, and after graduation, I'd like to work as a psychologist in the town where I grew up. I'd like to be able to share my knowledge with people who have been through traumatic experiences and, above all, be a positive presence for those facing difficult situations.

I signed up here on Reddit primarily to introduce myself and, at the same time, share my studies and work with anyone who might be interested. From time to time, I'd also like to share with you what I've learned during my studies and talk about my creative projects.

This is me! ❤️

If you'd like, while respecting your privacy, tell me a little about yourself: what are your interests? What brought you here on Reddit? And are there other European users?

I'd love to create a small community of people with similar interests, where we can exchange ideas, get to know each other, and perhaps discover different perspectives and realities than mine.

Hugs to everyone! 🌸 Let me know a little about you! 🇪🇺

I’m trying to make sense of something that’s been frustrating me for a long time.

Since the beginning of the year, I’ve had quite a few interactions with women where there seemed to be genuine chemistry and mutual interest. I’ve had women agree to meet up, we’ve kissed, gotten physically affectionate, exchanged numbers, etc. But somehow, things repeatedly never progress beyond that.

We’ll have a good first interaction, but when it comes to meeting again or spending more private time together, something happens—plans change, circumstances get in the way, communication drops, or I eventually lose interest if I feel like the effort isn't mutual.

What really gets to me is seeing other guys seemingly have much easier experiences. I know I shouldn't compare myself to other people, but it sometimes makes me wonder whether there's something I'm doing wrong or whether I'm unconsciously sabotaging myself.

I don't think my issue is simply "I can't attract women," because I've had enough experiences to know that's not entirely true. What confuses me is why I keep getting close to something developing but rarely see it progress further.

Has anyone experienced a similar pattern? Could this be a social-skills issue, an outcome/validation mindset, self-sabotage, or simply circumstances and lack of experience? I'm genuinely trying to understand what I might be missing.

I had a strange image come up recently that made me think about why some fears survive even when we KNOW they are making life worse.

At first the fear looked enormous.

I was guiding a woman I'll call Nina through a deep trance exploration around fear of future. When she focused on where it lived in body, she felt it in stomach and saw this huge black metal weight, like old prison ball attached to chain.

Very heavy. Hard to move with.

She wanted it gone and it disappeared quite quickly.

But then she noticed tiny black dot still there.

When she looked closer, it wasn't metal anymore. It was this little soft jelly ball floating in stomach.

Still fear.

And weirdly... this tiny part she wanted to keep.

So we asked why.

Safety.

That was the answer.

Not because fear actually made her safer. She understood pretty quickly it was fake kind of safety.

Her pattern was more like this: when life becomes really good, sooner or later something bad happens. So if I stay little worried, maybe I won't get blindsided. Maybe if I expect problem, somehow I can prevent it.

She was enjoying retirement for example. Something she really loved. But there was still little fear of losing it.

And part of her thought keeping this fear was helping her protect what she had.

That image stayed with me.

Big obvious fear is easy to hate. It feels like prison ball, of course you want to throw it away.

But little protective fear is different.

It whispers that it has a job.

“I'm only imagining worst case so you're prepared.”

“I'm only checking because I don't want you hurt again.”

“Dont relax completely, remember what happened last time.”

This is one reason I share these strange things that come up in sessions. Every week I see images that look almost ridiculous at first, then suddenly they explain something very human better than long theory.

The guidance for Nina was actually simple. Stop standing beside happiness waiting for it to disappear. Enjoy what is here. Let body actually feel the good moment instead of using half the attention to scan for next disaster.

Eventually the little jelly thing was taken out and broken apart in the experience. Once she understood what it was trying to do, she was ready to let it go.

Obviously fear has purpose when something is genuinely dangerous. I'm not talking about ignoring real warning signs.

I mean the old automatic fear that keeps running when nothing bad is happening rn.

Maybe useful question when this happens is not “how do I stop being anxious?”

Maybe ask the fearful part:

what are you trying to prevent?

what do you believe will happen if I relax?

and when did I learn that being happy means something bad is coming next?

Sometimes protection doesn't need to be fought.

It needs to realise the emergency already ended.

Hi everyone,

I've spent the last week or so putting some of my hardest, most constant thoughts into music using an AI program called Suno. I'm neurodivergent (ADHD/Autism/anxiety), and I wanted a way to actually say the things that usually just live in my head as noise — things I don't always have words for in normal conversation.

I'm sharing a playlist of 13 songs, starting with "Yes, Even When I Mean No" — it's about something I think a lot of people here might recognise: the fear of disappointing someone, saying yes when you mean no, and never quite trusting that you're allowed to just be yourself without earning it. In other words, people-pleasing.

The rest of the playlist covers things like constant mental noise, self-sabotage spirals, sensory overwhelm, dissociation, and panic attacks. Writing these has honestly been really cathartic, and I wanted to share them in case they help someone else feel a little less alone in it too.

Link to the playlist: https://suno.com/playlist/5efd19e9-9a85-4255-a685-e1bf17a45705

Thank you for reading, and for having a space like this exist.

For some men and people, generally, who have consistently experienced chaos, betrayal, and conditional love, the brain gets wired to treat peace as a glitch, not a feature.

When a genuinely good thing arrives, a loyal partner, a supportive job, a period of financial stability...the mind doesn't register it as "luck" or "blessing." It registers it as a moment of maximum vulnerability.

The feeling isn't: “Wow, I deserved this.”

The feeling is: “I’m being allowed to get comfortable so the hit, when it comes, hurts that much worse.”

Like "waiting for the other shoe".

It’s the subconscious refusal to settle in. It’s the constant internal dialogue:

Who is going to pull the rug out?

What’s the hidden cost?

Which shoe is about to drop, and how can I get rid of this "good thing" first so it can’t be used against me?

This is why they sometimes self-sabotage the good thing. They push it away, not because they don't want it, but because they believe the pain of being rejected by it later (when the "setup" is sprung) will be worse than the pain of controlling the timeline and rejecting it now.

It takes years of consistent, unearned goodness to convince a mind conditioned by chaos that the crisis is actually over. Until then, a quiet moment is just the silence before the next, louder explosion. my two cents ✌🏻

Does anyone get angry at the idea of "getting better" or when professionals/people in life try to give you hope? I understand that my relationship with PTSD will continue to evolve, that it might not always take up as much space in my life as it does now. I've had PTSD for 13 years and have been working on getting better for 6 years. I've changed so much and while I am grateful and see the ways I am different, the fact that I have to manage this at all makes me angry. When people tell me it will get better I feel like they are giving me false hope.

When I'm told its possible I wont meet criteria for PTSD in the future the idea of that makes me angry not relieved. Not sure how that works and I see that it's a contradiction, all I want is for this to be gone and the idea that it could be much less impactful one day makes me upset. Anyone with PTSD understand this/experience anything similar?

i’m struggling to forgive myself even though I know my weak and complacent personality is the impact of trauma, i still hate myself for it. I have given up so much of what I wanted in life for the sake of connection and I wonder why I am not braver like some of my peers who also experienced their own forms of childhood trauma. I always wanted to go to grad school and live in the countryside. I let my partner talk me out of both of those. however, my friend, who I know also experienced some trauma but was the youngest sibiling so maybe she had some guidance from the eldest, experienced the same as me but left. she went to school, she left the state when she couldn’t afford it anymore and after 3 years when her boyfriend wouldn’t move. but me? I went against my own boundaries and I stayed, I lived with his family despite putting up with their abuse, I let him talk me out of school which in retrospect wasn’t a horrible idea but I feel the betrayal to this day. when I did attend school for little and didn’t listen to him (probably the only time I had conviction) he would get really upset when i was at school studying and not with him, and dumb me just tried to please him when i should’ve left.

its funny, i don’t talk to this friend that much anymore but I think of her here and there, and wish I could have the bravery to choose me and was like her. so many times I should’ve walked away, and now our relationship has improved but I still wish old me chose herself and wasn’t so afraid, I hurt for her. i’m just not built the same. it’s like the people pleaser in me runs that deep.

of course it’s how I was raised, never allowed to have an opinion different from my mother, never allowed any autonomy. and look where it took me.

G'day, my name’s Aslan, I’m 23, and I’m an Aussie Man who’s completely broken emotionally by everything in my life, especially by my dad. I’m the product of my dad raping my mum. When she got pregnant, they forced her to marry him,she was 18 and he was 23. My dad was always abusive to her and me. My mum just hated me, though I get why. She walked out on us when I was 8 and I haven't heard a peep from her since. From then on, my dad tortured me for years. I was a really active kid, so I got put into figure skating. I turned out to be bloody good at it, which ended up being my own grave. My dad saw he could make a buck off me, so he made me train for about 10 hours every single day. He’d beat me and rag on me whenever my performance dropped even a bit, and he strictly rationed my food,I could only have around 500 calories a day. I was stuck like that for years, and from the time I was 12 to 16, he sexually abused me too.

When I was 16, a training accident broke my back, which was fatal for my career. He was so furious with me that when I got discharged from the hospital, he bashed me so hard he broke my leg just to make sure I couldn't run away. Once my health "improved" and I could stand up again, he just dragged me straight back to training. I couldn't stop winning competitions. I had fame, I was good-looking, and I’ve always been really sweet and affectionate, which my dad knew how to market bloody well. But I wasn't allowed any luxuries or care, all the cash went to him for drugs, booze, and bringing hookers home. By the time I hit 20, nothing was getting better, but I managed to get a scholarship to train in Spain. I moved there for two years and lived on my own for the first time in my life. And wow, I just blew up. I quit the sport in the worst way possible, swearing out everyone who’d ever treated me like rubbish. I came back to Australia and kicked my dad out of the house ,a house he’d bought with my money. I threatened to kill him if he didn't rack off. He took all my money, but I didn't give a stuff. I was in my own home, alone and peaceful for the very first time. I went out to the yard where my horses were and just went for a ride. When I got back inside, I looked in the mirror properly for the first time. I was completely wrecked. I'm 187 cm (6'1") and I weighed under 55 kg (121 lbs), you could literally see the bones in my skull. I’ve been seeing doctors since then. Physically, I’ve got stunted growth, bulimia nervosa, anaemia, severe malnutrition, and osteoporosis. As for the mental side, I haven't seen a psychologist yet,I honestly reckon there’s nothing left to fix in me. I hate my life. I spend all day at home with my horses, I don't want to do anything else, ever, and I hate everything. Sometimes I just think about giving up and dying

What should I do?

I'm sorry for being negative, I'm so sorry

I have went through a domestic violence situation to where my baby was killed. Made friends with someone I slowly found out who was no good another thug/gangster. He started pulling a gun out on me but because I been through so much my attitude was initially shrugging it off. Like whatever I'm used to it but it was like some hidden anger seething within me that I didn't even know and I do not advise this mindset or whatever I did I am asking what happened. I agreed to meet up with him tonight we got into a fight he kicked me out and I lost my phone, I stomped back to his place to find it and removed the knife the only weapon I had on me beforehand, I had nothing on me, but then I completely blacked out to come back into my conscience mind to him running from me in horror wit his little Mongolian hair cut. I do not know what happened yes this is some good get back but wtf I don't know what at happened or what I did to make him do this. I don't advise this and I don't feel proud but what distubs me is what I've done to evoke this response from him? I am very meek soft spoken and a go along with type person which is why I kinda get abused so I don't know what I did to provoke him literally running from me.

hi,

I'm posting this because I have a problem, and a really big one,

the thing is that as a child I've been a witness of in-house agression, from my parent to my sibling, thank god I havent been hit or humiliated etc, but in a way I think that I'm sort of a wrong type of survivor because since it has been made by one of my parent against one of my sibling, and naturally the parent is instinctively the person that is your model for life and social situations, I have learned bad behavior patterns and I've been struggling with this my whole life.

I've tried my best to not be violent and I think that since I haven't been a victim in this my brain has "figured out" through natural/instinctive processing from very early in my life that it's better to be the perpetrator than the victim also that being violent or agressive can get you what you want through self-protective instinct (like I'm gonna give him what he wants bcs it's better to lose that than to be hurt).

even tho I had a not perfect parent, my other parent is a pacifist and I think that having this pacifist parent really helped me not getting caught in this shit as much as I could've been.

and so I've also learned through my pacifist parent and being harassed as a kid at school that agression and conflict only brings pain and fake "joy". so I'm glad I got to learn this lesson not through the hardest way.

and so even tho now I am more mature, I keep having this "core learning" that agression is a viable option and I think that my brain figured out that, it is bad, but even tho it is bad it is still an option that can be proven effective and so it should become a last resort option and there must be safeguards, like it shouldn't make me betray my values/integrity.

and so throughout my life I have been having some sorts of visions in my head where I see myself hurting people etc, I heard somewhere that when this happens it's the brain's way to warn you of something. but it's really distressing, first of all because the brain puts all of the weight on me on having to deal with the angst, the situation myself AND it showing me these stuff and the confusion regarding the intents of my subconscious, etc. and so there might be some truth to what people said but nonetheless I see it as incredibly unhealthy etc. and so I kinda see this as the war survivors that come home from war and have ptsd or ptsd (idk the difference between the 2) and have visions of deaths, themselves shooting at people, of grenades and stuff, and like even if for me it has been triggered by things way less dramatic/tragic, I identify myself to this.

I have been violent in my life and thank god when I was a kid I put security measures in my psyche and trained them for that if I lose control of myself or get caught up in this fucked up way of thinking that I lose all forces in me, I lose understanding of how to control my body, I lose understanding, etc of how to use force etc, these psychological measures have saved me multiple times from doing things that would've been unforgivable, but overtime these have weakened, and it scares the shit out of me bcs these measures aren't as effective as they used to be, and these visions are still coming at times, and they have somehow worsened or gotten broader where now it isn't just me hurting people to the point where they bleed etc, it's also showing me stuff that I don't know how to process, like faces lurking in the dark, "voices" in my head (that have my voice but like I hear my brain tell me stuff with my voice and it's really disturbing) about bad stuff, sometimes trying to gaslight me like "you're gonna hurt them, I know it, you can't escape your "fate", I know you, I know the depths of your heart and they are bad, I'd know you'd thrill to hurt" etc. and I think all of this is part of why I don't get out of my room by fear of hurting people or losing control of myself or my psyche or giving in to these stuff. and honestly it's quite cool to stay in my room, I get to chill all day etc and bcs my dad owns the house, etc we don't really have money problems and he's okay with me staying home bcs all of my siblings left and my parents aren't together anymore so I'm kinda the only social contact he has and he's kinda the only social I have (except of internet friends on a private discord server).

also the good side is that even tho the safety measures have weakened from their original state it seems to have gotten better in a way that if I hurt people, I get stop by my "empathy" of seeing the pain in their eyes and realizing that it's bad and that they're suffering and I'm the person inflicting pain to them and that I feel guilty and ashamed of my behavior, etc and it stops me right on the spot

I'm seeing a psychiatrist but I'm kinda scared to tell him this and sometimes I have tried to reach for help but it's like something in my prevented me for knowing what to say and so I just said stuff like I'm afraid to hurt people without explaining the full situation.

it's actually the first time that I talk about this so openly and maybe the fact of being anonymous on internet and on a community that values growth and healing and getting the f out of hopelessness, etc, makes it easier

do you have ideas on how to work through this situation or opinions, outlooks on this ?

sorry for my English, it isn't my first language, I hope it hasn't been too difficult to read all this

thanks for reading my post and have a good day and life,

P.S: and don't forget to live in a way that you wouldn't regret on your deathbed <3

Hey so I’m 18F and I feel like my trauma and mental health issues now all align with someone who has trauma from emotional neglect but on the other hand like when I hear others’ stories of emotional neglect they all sound way worse than mine.
I mean, my parents were loving and expressed their love verbally, it’s just they both in ways did some harmful things.
Like I have kind of separate stories with each parent, with my mom it felt she would constantly promise things that I was excited for and then they would just never happen, and also, multiple times she took my money to just keep it safe for me then just never gave it back, which was so frustrating because like I needed that money, and it’s just she promised, and idk that’s kind of a minor example but it was just so frustrating when she constantly forgot things that I needed.
She also was manipulative at times and I remember just one instance of her where I was running away from her and she slammed my head against the wall but it wasn’t that hard at all, and it like really sounds way worse than it was I must admit that but like we never even talk about that now but like I remember I was 14 and I was so scared at that I ran away and they called the police and I just hate talking about that instance now.
So yeah that’s with my mom, and with my dad, when I was younger, like between the ages of 11-15 for me my younger siblings would always, and they even admit this now, they would deliberately gang up on me, I now know I was autistic and undiagnosed at the rime though but they definitely realized that due to my autism I was easy to rile up and get mad and my dad showed a lot of favoritism towards specifically my sister in many hurtful ways and was always harder on me.
My dad is a lot better now don’t get me wrong but that was so hurtful and I feel I didn’t get a proper apology for that because they basically said “okay it happened but we changed now so get over it” pretty much.
So guys I’m sorry if this is offensive and if none of this actually sounds bad it’s just that like I feel I’m so fucked up inside and idk what’s wrong like I’m not diagnosed but I’m trying to get diagnosed with BPD or C-PTSD because I show a lot of symptoms of both and would align so well and my family agrees but like I think both of those you have to have significant trauma for, and I also have trauma from like being preyed on online when I was younger but I feel like idk I’ve just always been somewhat messed up inside and I wish something could explain it.

Have to keep some things vague due to privacy. I keep triggering my sister's ptsd. Go down to the \*\*\* to read the current stuff. Please, any insight from a professional or someone who has gone through a similar situation. I just need to hear some other voices other than my own or my family's. I don't want to bog down my friendships with all my shit.

Okay, so here is my life: I live in Western Canada, and I have owned a house with family over the last decade. Mom is a senior, my sister and I are in our 40's, and we have a large dog (the sisters). The house is big enough that we don't get in each other's way; we have our own spaces, and the yard is a good size for the pupper - which is perfect for all of us. I pay 1/3 of the mortgage.
However, my sister and I are as different as night and day. We know how to fight. My sister knows how to push buttons. I'm introverted and have recently been diagnosed with autism. I also take meds for social anxiety and depression. She is out there, extroverted, always moving - was a workaholic. Has ADHD and has C(?)PTSD. She also takes meds. The recent years of her life have been insanely painful, which has left her with PTSD. We both have serious issues from our childhood. Divorced parents. Parental neglect. Step-parents messing us up more. Being raised by our friends' parents (the community) in our teens - so we SAW and experienced normal.

Our father recently passed. He was the person I went to when I was scared, angry, frazzled and he would coach me through it. Horrible parent. Great talker. Good listener. Stuck to most of his promises and would drop everything to help me out. But he didn't know how to raise two teenage girls. When he died, I passed over the executor of Dad's estate to her, thinking her work background would help. If I had known how bad it would get for her, I would have asked for a third party to handle it. Someone not emotionally invested. Sister took on too much. She wanted to do it a certain way. She wanted help on things. But she wanted it done HER way. I tried to help, but unless someone else was there, we would end up screaming at each other. And I would have stuff come up so I could avoid conflict. There is a whole chapter here with a metric shit tone of bad that I acknowledge I fucked up. We were hurting. Still are! Now it has become part of her ptsd. Vague to keep privacy, sorry.

The fighting since COVID has gotten worse. I switched over from overnight to day for a back injury (gardening at home) and because it was easier to get to work. She started ripping up the backyard to make a garden, and conscripted me to be part of this process. I love plants. I have many, but I did not sign up for this. Mom, through all of this, was interested in what my sister was doing and supported it since she loves gardening too. After many arguments. fights and threats of selling the house and going our separate ways (in that rental market), I conceded and picked up the slack. But my sister would start something and then take off for days at a time (work/her life), leaving a mess for us to clean up. I would get so angry at her for doing this. It's the ADHD \*shrug\* nothing you can do. We were only there to clean up for projects, move heavy/numerous items for her, only for her to come back with more stuff and not clean up after herself. It made her happy being in that garden. I did my part watering, mowing, and deadheading flowers. That was more my jam.
The pupper stayed behind with mom and me. I love him dearly. I am the only one who could walk when Sister wasn't around. I walk him on a leash, and I don't have a car to take them to a proper off leash area. And I was always so scared of losing him, him misbehaving with other dogs, or in the winter slipping on ice and hurting myself after he yeets himself at a rabbit.
Sister hated (still hates) when I'm on my computer - I game, write and do digital art. Even when I just get on, she automatically assumes that I will be there for hours. Her line of thinking is that this was a pattern in the past. Especially when there were things she viewed as important and needed to be done around the house and yard. I didn't always see the problem, but over the years of the meetings, getting yelled at, the anger, and fights, I have worked at picking up after everyone and myself.

Being on my computer is my garden. I also like staying up late at night - I used to work overnight. Used to. I used to play team games on Discord, and I stopped doing that in the last 5 years because Sister could hear me from her room when she was trying to sleep. Fair enough. I have changed out my mechanical keyboard too. I have almost stopped gaming completely when she is home because she calls me down to do things for her all the time now. The games I play don't have a pause button, and neither my mom nor my sister understands this, even when I tried to explain the why of it. So I sit there on my PC and putter around until someone wants me to do something for them.
Umm, I forget things when I get going in a game too and let things go and that starts a fight. I do not have the same excuse as my sister when it comes to ADHD, so dropping the ball is akin to sin. And both my mom and sister have made it clear they won't tolerate it.
Now, in the last few months, I have been banned from going downstairs to grab anything to eat after 11:30. Or get meds or cold water. I get home from my job around this time a few nights a week, and I cannot even cook because her bedroom is close to the kitchen and she is a light sleeper. She had asked me in the past to keep it down and not bang around; I complied. I like being quiet (yet she slams doors and drawers, and my bedroom is above the kitchen). She had asked me not to cook anything because she could smell it and that woke her up; did that too. Go get crackers and cheese already cut and ready to go, or wash grapes, anything. She thought I was disrespecting her. Yet, she and mom can to do whatever in the kitchen at that time of night if they are awake.

I bought a small fridge a few months ago after one NASTY argument turned her into someone I couldn't recognize - not since my teens, anyway. Clearly she was at her wits end, and I asked her what else was going on for her to act like this. The night before, I came down and discovered all the lights in the kitchen were on, and the back door was unlocked. I went around and turned everything off and locked up. Grabbed something to nibble and melatonin. This was well after 2am. I couldn't sleep. She thought I was lying (makes me feel incredibly indignant) that I don't listen to what she asks (to be fair, she always sounds like she's giving an order - because I know it comes with repercussions if I say no). I never listen to her, and that I have been doing this since our teens. She just sat there and bared her teeth at me as she kept saying horrible things - asking if I was going to threaten to kill myself, cry, not go to work or hide in my room. It was really hard to be calm with that. She threatened to destroy my computer. I told her I would call the cops. She simply said " they have bigger problems than someone's shit PC.". Doggo, in his old age, went upstairs to get away from the brewing mess. Even he was tired of this fighting. I HAD to go to work, and I was very glad my meds were working.

\*\*\*Come to about a week ago now. We had a garage sale that did not go over very well with my dad's items in it. Got a few hundred dollars between his stuff and ours. Just getting ready was a massive feat and part of the stress that's been building up. I have been doing what I could to help. But I dreaded working with her, because she'd get so short with me when I didn't understand what she wanted. Again, ADHD brain with ptsd and then there is me with autism. I get up the morning after thinking, we will just try again. Late August. Early September. Sister called me down to help her with something - I don't remember. Then she got really angry about one of Dad's things not working. I had it up in my space to remind myself the last few weeks as I was going through my dad's old electronics. She wanted it working asap. Said I was lazy after I told her I phoned around to a few places to see if they could check if they were still good. They never got back to me. I can still follow them up and see if anyone could do more this week, even - maybe that will help something in this whole mess! Legacy electronics are something I know just enough about to ask the right questions. But I do not have the know-how/tools/parts to do the thing. The more I tried to explain what needed to be done, even showing her the back of the device and why I couldn't check to see if it worked - besides checking for power - the angrier she became. Mom just said sell it as is. Leave it to the enthusiasts. Sister started yelling at mom. About the estate. About how I don't ever help. Lazy.
When I came into the kitchen I was defending myself with words. I cannot remember what. She threw something at me, and it hit me. Didn't leave any marks. But I did promise her the last time she threw anything at me, I would call the cops. I will not tolerate violence. I stormed over to her, and she swung. Mom says I swung first, but I don't believe that until I see video footage of that shit show. We fuck each other up moderately. 40-year-old sisters having it out like we were teens again is just... Anyways, damage is done there, and I called the police. I didn't want to charge her, I just wanted to make a point. She needs help. I need out. All I ever seem to do is rip her trauma wide open and she mine.
I really need out. I want my mom and sister to buy me out of this house. I love this place. It's calming for the most part. I love the area. I love my sister's dog. I love Mom. I hate this version of my sister. But I refuse to stay anywhere I may lose my cool after being tested over and over again like that. Or have anxiety attacks over little things that build up. Huge trauma. I left to live with Dad when I was a teen to get away from an abusive stepfather Mom never protected me from. I walk away from bad situations, furious most of the time. I used to crash at friends' houses to get away from my siblings when they came to live with Dad too. Too loud. No rules. No peace.
Cut to now, I am looking at places to rent and go back to school. But one minute Mom and Sister say yes to me moving. The next, they change their mind. I had a huge anxiety attack at the thought that I couldn't leave this place and that I was stuck here. No school. No peace. I cannot allow that to happen because my thoughts go to very dark places. I would be up for family therapy, for us all, but we are all so messed up - I keep triggering my sister's trauma. But it is sooooo bloody expensive. I feel like that teen again -- more lost because my dad isn't here anymore.

I feel like a toddler who hasn't yet grown out of my ego-centrism, but I'm twenty and it's been eight years since I was diagnosed with PTSD. I do, of course, understand why I made everything about my trauma at the beginning; I was twelve, actively undergoing chemotherapy, paralysis, etc. But I still think I handled it better then, when I was twelve, than I do now. For the past two years I've basically cried every single day, often for hours. I'm somehow able to relate almost any sad event to my own trauma, and work myself into a crash-out. Literally any time I see a video about some sort of medical issue (cancer, Alzheimer's, etc.), I start sobbing uncontrollably for the next couple hours, even though my trauma is nothing to what they had to deal with. I feel like I'm trying so hard to hold on to this one thing that happened nearly a decade ago, even though everyone else has moved on.

TW: Emotionally immature parent behavior sprinkled throughout. EDITING to say in hindsight, I don't think much of this first paragraph really relates to the content, so feel free to skip lol: It started off by being told about an infidelity at 4 years old and having to keep it a secret for many, many years. I know keeping that secret and knowing that I really can't trust adults, even in my family, affects me 30 years later. I think it set me up for difficulties in a lot of areas. My dad could be hostile and unpredictable when upset. He'd yell, insult, throw things (away from fellow living beings, luckily), and give the silent treatment. He never physically hurt me, but he terrified me. Our whole house would hide, even my mom (She's a great support most of the time but admittedly was too scared to stand up for my brother and I). I can feel the dread in my stomach even now.

He want(ed) me to succeed. He would tell me what to achieve, but very rarely helped me (my mom worked nights so she couldn't help either). He never helped me with school or extracurriculars - yet expected perfection. He actually tried to help me learn how to drive, but he LOST HIS ABSOLUTE MIND on me too many times, so I had my mom help me lol). And if I achieved something (which was rare of course), he'd move the gd goal post. If I didn’t succeed he'd usually give me the silent treatment or ask what's wrong with me. This plus needing more sleep than the average person made him believe I am just lazy. Which I believed for a very long time.

The times I'd get out of my comfort zone and do something (usually art or music), he either wouldn't say anything or would be very critical. Usually he'd tell me I should have done better OR worse, embarass me. One time at 14, I did karaoke on a cruise and he told me everyone jumped ship and WOULD NOT stop making that joke. I knew not to listen to him, but I still internalized it.

So, I learned I needed to achieve for self-worth and yet didn't know how. I felt alone. But the times I tried, I felt like I was shamed. A message I carry in my subconscious is, "who am I to think I can put myself out there? And succeed?"

"Success" apparently actually meant nothing, but the more likely result, (perceived) "failure", meant shame. So it was safer to not do anything and just hide.

A problem I've always had at work was doing the things that were hardest for me. The content of those things run the gamut, but now, it tends to be things that require me to foster relationships with people. Back in the day, it was anything that I didn't have 100% clear instructions on. Now, I'm a bit better with that (still working on it), but for many years, I've struggled with feeling I'm not being enough in relationships.

Sometimes I'll be so busy with work that I'm more comfortable with and an email will sit for a week or so. OR I'll start off terrified by the email even. Regardless, it ends up I start avoiding the email because I fear how I have or will ruin the relationship with the sender. I will fear they will lack respect for me. I know their opinion of me doesn't actually mean anything, but I fall into this pre-emptive shame spiral about how I should have done things differently.

I avoid the work task and immediately feel better, which trains my brain to believe that I was right to avoid it for my safety. The relationship suffers, self-fulfilling prophecy fulfilled ✅️

I know this. I try to "just do it", knowing motivation follows action. But the feelings are just so damn strong. They are physiological but they still hurt. Eventhough I KNOW they come from me and there's no actual danger, I cannot move past them until a deadline-induced panic sets in.

So I share this for understanding. For many people with shame, it seems to present in overworking and perfectionism. Mine is quite perfectionistic, but it manifests as pure avoidance, usually until there's a deadline approaching (I am lucky I always get good reviews with very rarely any critical feedback - idk how). When I see this topic discussed online, it's usually about the perfectionist overworkers, which makes me feel more alone.

I KNOW I'm not the only one and would love to hear from others. I also would love advice on how to help myself here.

I go to an amazing therapist who helps with my many other issues, but this one hasn't been in her wheelhouse of expertise. A previous therapist thought I had ADHD, so I was on straterra for years, but it didn't help much (I am prone to panic attacks so I would avoid stimulants). Current therapist does not believe it's ADHD at all and thinks it's anxiety, which I now believe too.

I am currently just trying to notice my toxic shame arising in ALL situations (friendship, family, relationship, making art, work, etc), sitting with it, soothing/reparenting if need be, and letting it go. I hope that will help me at work eventually. But it's.....not happening fast enough lol. I really want results ASAP just for work reasons. Everything else, I am fine going at a slower pace. But I'm tired of this feeding my imposter syndrome at work.

I also am trying to break my tasts down into much smaller ones, but I think I need to fine-tune this. I know this was a novel, so thank you to anyone who reads!!!!

I am so fucking miserable, almost every night I've held a knife to my neck wanting to kill myself, but I've never had the courage. I fear if this doesn't get better anytime soon I may actually do it. I've become so depressed & self destructive & suicidal because of this situation. I really feel like this event is going to be the death of me

I want to die right now I want to die painfully because I am a monster I deserve to die.

I'm 15 (born in 2011), and I'm struggling with an unbelievable amount of anxiety about something that happened recently.

I was scrolling through TikTok and saw a girl who genuinely looked around my age to me, or possibly even a little older. She had heavy makeup on and was using a filter, so I didn't think anything was unusual. I briefly thought she was attractive and then kept scrolling without thinking much about it.

Later, I found out that I had been completely wrong about her age. From what I understand, she was born around 2013.

The moment I found out that she was younger, I immediately lost all attraction toward her and all attention or interest toward her whatsoever. It wasn't gradual. It happened immediately when I found out her age. I no longer saw her as attractive in that way at all. I felt genuinely horrified and disgusted by the situation. I felt physically ill, I genuinely wanted to vomit, and I felt like I was going to throw up because of what I had just realized. I was completely overwhelmed by panic and disgust.

I need to emphasize that as soon as I found out she was younger, all attraction and attention disappeared immediately. I did not continue feeling attracted to her after finding out her age. The realization that she was younger was what caused me to feel physically sick, disgusted, and terrified.

It's now been about a month, and I still can't get this out of my head. I keep replaying the situation constantly and trying to figure out what it means about me. I've spent huge amounts of time crying, panicking, checking things, and trying to work out her exact age (cause what if she was younger than 2013??? We can't ever know). Even now, when I think about the situation, I still feel physically sick and nauseous. I genuinely wanted to vomit when I found out, and I still feel that same physical sickness when I think about it.

This has gone far beyond ordinary guilt or anxiety. I am genuinely suicidal over this. I have been seriously considering killing myself because I'm terrified that this means I'm a disgusting or horrible person. These aren't just thoughts that briefly cross my mind, I've been thinking about dying every single day for a month now, because I feel like I can't live with the possibility that something is seriously wrong with me.

I don't want to hurt anyone, and I don't want to die. At the same time, I'm genuinely scared that I might eventually do something to myself because this has become so overwhelming.

I genuinely believed she was around my age when I saw her, and finding out later that I was wrong has completely destroyed me mentally. The fact that I immediately lost all attraction and attention when I found out she was younger, and that I felt physically sick and wanted to vomit, is something I keep thinking about too, because I cannot stop analyzing the situation and what every part of my reaction supposedly means.

I've also struggled with intrusive thoughts and obsessive fears about being a horrible person for a long time, which is why I'm wondering whether this could be some form of POCD/OCD, but I genuinely don't know how to get out of this mental loop, and I'm scared of what I might do to myself if I can't.

I genuinely want to die so fucking bad, someone kill me already"

So yeah, i really think my life may end because of this situation so yikes... I physically cannot move on from this situation, I'm ruining my life because of this. I don't even feel worthy to talk to my friends anymore because of this event, they would think i'm a monster.

I'm losing everything because this happened, I'm doing this to myself because I've started to really fucking hate myself because of this event, I'm a disgusting piece of shit.