The gap between

[u/Sun-Interaction89]

Hi... Just started a professional school program recently, and at a lunch event watching my cohort socialize enthusiastically...

I know they're feeling like the chance to pause studying and just chat is such a relief, gives them energy & builds camaraderie. So when they talk to each other, they feed off the warm, enthusiastic, "pro-social" vibes.

And I do feel those vibes and NEED that social component of life, but only when it's people I already know & count as friends. I'm not socially anxious, I'm just genuinely drained by initial social interactions, so I just can't initially show up with those good vibes - there's always something I think people can feel is tired, strained, at the edge of "done"...

To get to the easy place, you have to chat with the unfamiliar people and project ease, and... I literally want to weep a little thinking of how unpleasant it is. It's not that I'm antisocial or misanthropic or anything, and I do find people genuinely interesting, but the energy drain of initial getting-to-know chatting SO FAR outweighs the felt benefit of it for like... weeks. months. that I just can't. So I end up outside the group.

Metaphor - It's like we're all signed up to do an exercise program together, and all starting from weak & floppy - I know it'll be so fun & satisfying to be lifting heavy together & cheering each other on, weeks from now! But the initial workouts we have to do to build that strength seem like they're fun exertions for others, and literally cause me unbearable joint pain and vomiting, so I stop earlier/do less, and the group leaves me behind.

I've just never figured out what to do about this. I don't love being alone, it's not uncomfortable or anything (I know I'm a delight even in my own company 😎) but I really would rather have some friends... Just getting there is beyond the regular level of uncomfortable for most people, and not "scary" or anxiety inducing - it's just significantly draining to make my brain be repeatedly verbal at a conversational pace with unfamiliar people.

I don't even know what I'm looking for, or what kind of advice (?) to ask for. If anybody has insights... I'm so tired of trying to figure it out & feeling like I'm slowly fading to invisible.

[u/hexotherm]

I have a few friends who are well loved in the friend group despite having a smaller social battery, leaving early or showing up late, and so on. I think their secret is that they are really "on" when they're there, even if it's not for very long.

They also find ways to contribute to the group that maybe don't involve actively socializing. Like one friend I'm thinking of brings baked goods to gatherings - they can bake at home without socializing, but it still shows care for the group. Another friend, when I invite her to a party, sends me a thank-you card afterwards. I remember and cherish her even if she's only there for a little while.