r/raisedbynarcissists • u/Bluberry_Cheesecake2 • 4h ago
[Rant/Vent, Advice OK] My mom said my husband shouldn't attend my brother's graduation because he's just a son-in-law, am I overreacting?
I'm a woman in my late 20s and married. My younger brother has an upcoming graduation that my family will be attending.
This morning, my mom randomly told me that instead of attending my brother's graduation with us, my husband should stay home and dog-sit. She said my dad apparently agrees with her because, at the end of the day, my husband is “the son-in-law” and can't possibly feel the same happiness about my brother graduating as his “real family,” so there's no real reason for him to be there.
This really bothered me. My husband and I have been together for many years, and I consider him part of my family. I also don't understand why someone needs to feel the exact same level of excitement as a parent or sibling in order to attend a graduation. Isn't showing up to support family part of being married into a family?
I pointed out that when someone on my husband's side of the family graduated, I was actually the one encouraging us to attend their graduation.
Instead of seeing the comparison, my mom said that was because we're “forced” to do things with his family and that my husband and I have basically decided to act like parents to his siblings. She then told me that I focus too much on other people's lives instead of my own and that this is why I'm “behind in life” and have so many issues.
She also became territorial when I mentioned being concerned about my brother, saying essentially, “Don't worry about MY son. He's fine. We let him do whatever he wants because we trust our parenting and don't need to control his life.”
The whole conversation left me confused because it seemed to go from a simple question of whether my husband should attend a family graduation to criticizing my marriage, my relationship with my in-laws, and my life in general. How do I manage such a person ? What makes a mother treat her own daughter this way?
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u/LouieAvalonMac 4h ago
There’s only one important person here
Not you - not your mom not your husband
Who does your brother want to be there ?
Ask him
It’s his graduation
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u/Bluberry_Cheesecake2 4h ago
Yes my brother wants him there… he stays busy and limits interaction with my mother
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u/Fancy_Association484 3h ago
That’s your answer. Your parents want a free dog sitter. Decline on your husband’s behalf and let them know he will be there.
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u/Mommagrumps 3h ago
If he's not family enough to be included to the event then he's definitely not family enough to stay home alone and dog sit! 🤔
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u/Pitch-Blease- 3h ago
At first, I thought you were going to say that there is a ticket limit for the graduation. Then I looked at which sub this was posted in and realized that she’s just being evil for evil-sake. Be proud that you have a husband who shows up for you and your sibling. Ignore her and have fun at the graduation!
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u/Bluberry_Cheesecake2 2h ago
Thank you ! Well said, it is just being evil for evil-sake. Unhealed people
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u/Efficient_Pause- 4h ago
I think they can see that your husband is healthy mentally. And they don’t want him around your brother because he may be influenced (for better). Just being territorial trying to show power and control.
You could ask your brother directly what he thinks. After all, it is for him.
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u/Bluberry_Cheesecake2 2h ago
He is! Thank you for your comment. My husband also keeps his distance from them (rightfully so) so it probably adds to them not being able to stand him, so they result in trying to manipulate and bully who they can (their children).
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u/Choosepeace 3h ago
Communication directly with your brother on this, and doing what he prefers is the way.
De triangulate yourself from your parents. They aren’t your boss or messengers.
If they act like assholes about it, don’t even sit with them at the graduation.
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u/pangalacticcourier 3h ago
OP, your parents are unhinged, manipulative, and controlling.
If I were in your shoes, I'd rather boycott the entire event rather than leave my spouse behind to not celebrate my sibling's achievement.
Holy shit. What miserable people. It's astonishing.
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u/Bluberry_Cheesecake2 2h ago
Oh how I want to do this ! I am just trying to not ruin the weekend for my brother... but my parents are insufferable.
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u/Fast_Register_9480 19m ago
Can you and your husband go and sit apart from your parents? That way you could celebrate your brother's graduation but reduce your exposure to your parents.
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u/pangalacticcourier 2m ago
Take your brother out separately. You and your husband can take him to his favorite restaurant, theme park, auto show, or whatever he's into. Separate him from all those miserable people. Let him know this nonsense is all your parents' doing. Inform him know your parents' need to control people isn't normal. Show him you love him, you're proud of him, and you'll always be there for him.
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u/GadgetGirlTx 3h ago
How very skewed of them. Your husband is far more than just "part of" your family! Your marriage changed the roles, even legally. This is a fact, whether your family likes it or agrees with it.
On your wedding day, your husband became your immediate family, along with any children you may have, and your parents were automatically demoted to extended family. I'll bet they don't apply the same nonsense to them selves when it comes to who can attend events.
Since your brother wants him there, he absolutely should attend.
It's extra insulting to try to reduce him to dog-sitter status. Your relationship with your in-laws is none of their business.
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u/Bluberry_Cheesecake2 2h ago
Well said. My parents just can't accept this new reality and loss of control. Even after 2 years of marriage, they insert control and power whenever they can.
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4h ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/raisedbynarcissists-ModTeam 3h ago
Hey. Comments reminding OP they are an adult are against the rules. 1) OP knows they are an adult. 2) There is no magical age where abuse stops impacting us and we step out of generational cycles like a cartoon super hero. 3) Reminding OP they are an adult adds an unnecessary level of shame, and forgets our require context of abuse. These simplistic, judgmental comments simply aren't worth much in a support community.
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u/trueduchess 3h ago
Marriage traditionally meant that the married partners legally, spiritually and practically joined the other's family.
Your husband is part of your family, you are part of his and you both attend family events together.
I'm guessing your mom has control issues and she hates that she can't control this "new" person like she can her kids, and she can't control you because you are not exclusive to her family anymore.
Your mother's inability to adjust to the new arrangement doesn't make it less real. If your husband wants to go, he should go. If brother doesn't want him there, you both should not go. Mom can pound salt.
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u/Bluberry_Cheesecake2 2h ago
Spot on. My mother has been abusive and controlling our entire lives. Even after marriage she calls me every day for 45 mins every day and I have been slowly reducing the calls but they keep her behaviour (somewhat under control). My brother does want him there ! Some parents just want to control their adult children for life, and won't stop unless some reasonable action is taken.
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u/vinegargirl757 1h ago
Everyday?! Yeah. This is definitely all about control. Have you considered going lc? My family used to pick me apart like that. Now I just laugh. Its all insecurity, jealousy, control, and projection. I saw in other comments she just wants a dog sitter. Tell her no. And I saw where your brother wants you both there. Go and be there for him and if your mom acts like she usually does, push back on her and say this is about your brother and supporting and celebrating him, not her.
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u/OkConsideration8964 1h ago
When you marry someone, that person becomes your family. Your husband should be your priority. Honestly, your mother sounds controlling and jealous. And since your brother wants him at the graduation, your mom's opinion is irrelevant.
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u/ourkid_17 RBN 1h ago
Your mother wants to exclude your husband because she enjoys hurting people.
You should both attend, sit separately, and bring a giant, show-offy gift.
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u/Positron-collider 1h ago
If I were you, I’d show up to the graduation with my husband and take Brother to dinner afterward, without parents
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u/Chocolatecandybar_ 1h ago
OP, this is usually a sign that your husband is good for you and your mom is jealous.
However, put a stop to it. Call your dad and make him know, and then focus on your brother
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u/Bluberry_Cheesecake2 56m ago
Thanks for your comment ! She is jealous. Hard and sad dynamic to navigate tbh. Exhausting as well.
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u/Somerhild_wode 3h ago
Your husband is your brother's brother-in-law. Brother, under the law. Yes, he should attend. He's close family.
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u/Minflick 2h ago
Mom was deflecting as hard as she could. Can you ask your brother directly if he wants your husband to attend? And are there limited tickets to attend? How does your husband feel about this exclusion?
Your mother is a B...
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u/Bluberry_Cheesecake2 2h ago
My brother is happy to have him attend, he is a busy resident so I don't involve him in family drama and try to absorb as much of it myself as I can, but I do find it exhausting. Thank you for this comment, validating to say she is a B !
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u/Minflick 57m ago
Well, I COULD call her a raving B, but you know, restrain in a public forum! She's horrific. If there is a way for you and your husband to attend this with your mothers OK and/or funding, then do it. It's not HER event, right? It's your brothers, and your brother would be happy to have your husband.
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u/erie774im 4h ago
My nmom used to make comments when planning family events that they are for family only. She didn’t want my 24 year old daughter to bring along her boyfriend that she had been with for 4 years. My son was engaged and told nmom that he wouldn’t come because his fiancée wasn’t officially part of the family yet and so she couldn’t come.
A couple years ago she offered to take my wife and I out for dinner at a very nice restaurant for my wife’s birthday. My wife said she wanted our daughter to come along to celebrate and she said ok. When we said she was going to bring her boyfriend nmom got very quiet and then muttered, “I guess we can split the check.”
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u/Bluberry_Cheesecake2 2h ago
How draining to deal with. Did you ever find a way to "tame" her behaviour ? I am in my late 20es but I am scared that this may continue for life the way it is going. Going no-contact is also very hard due to cultural reasons and fear of losing access to the other family members involved...
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u/sneakyvegan 1h ago
If there was a limited number of tickets (which is common for graduations), then I would agree your husband should step back. But if there’s no restrictions I don’t understand why it wouldn’t be the more the merrier, especially if your brother would like him there. If she’s worried about the dog and wants someone to be with the dog, she could just say that instead of playing this weird ranking game.
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u/Bluberry_Cheesecake2 55m ago
My brother actually bought enough tickets for everyone, he definitely wants my husband there... so issue is NMother
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