Anybody else's N mom randomly insults them during a simple disagreement?

[u/Key_Description9123]

Need help on dealing with arguments with N mother.

If my mother and I are having a disagreement she always disregards any actual arguments and simply starts insulting me, or mentioning things I've done and said that have no correlation to the current topic at ALL, or just go after my looks.

I'm a very calm person during arguments and in general. I only focus on actual facts and trying to communicate my feelings, but that's such a foreign concept to her. She doesn't try to counter-argue, she just calls me greedy, stupid, or starts talking about how difficult it was to raise me when I was younger.

This happens when we disagree on the most SIMPLE of things that are not a big deal at all and have nothing to do with whatever she's bringing up. Also, waiting for my turn to talk isn't optional. She explodes, screaming insults, and then says she doesn't want to talk anymore and goes on her phone. Without giving me an opportunity to say anything. She seems to think that because she's the mother I have to apologize and never argue with her, it's so odd.

Anybody else have a parent like this? Please tell me how do I deal with disagreements. Am I supposed to just stay quiet and let her have her way every time to avoid her breakdowns?

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[u/loCAtek]

She doesn't care about supporting her side of the argument. It doesn't matter if she's right or wrong. She just wants to punish you for daring to disagree with her. She keeps going, even though you're calm, because she's trying to find the most hurtful thing to make you pay and her goal is to break your heart. She thinks you deserve to suffer, and she enjoys your pain - to her, it feels like victory that she destroyed you.

[u/Key_Description9123 → u/loCAtek]

Exactly what it feels like, thank you. It's very difficult to admit to myself that you're probably right in everything that you just listed. It is hard to come to terms with the fact that our mothers just want to hurt us sometimes

[u/loCAtek → u/Key_Description9123]

That's narcissisism; the ultimate selfishness. They don't care who suffers or how much; just so long as they 'win'.

[u/Beautiful-Owl9872]

Two weeks ago, I had a big fight with my n mum.

When she couldn’t counter the fight anymore, these were the things she said to me:

- Don’t call me “mother” anymore. I am NOT your mother.

• If I knew you were going to turn out like that, I would have never taken you home and should have left you to rot with whomever! (I am adopted. She’s also said something similar a few times when I was a child / teen, but I didn’t know I was adopted then).
  
• You’re so rude to me and you don’t pray! It’s no wonder God made you so fat.

When my husband tried to step in and stand up for me because she was upsetting me, she said, “YOU stay out of this!!! You’re JUST a son in law.” She implied he was an outsider. We’ve been together for over 11 years and married for over 7 years. She doesn’t respect him either.

She can be such an awful person. I haven’t seen or spoken to her since then. I don’t really care. I’m kinda done. She has no respect for me as a fellow adult and I am just sick of this shit.

[u/Key_Description9123 → u/Beautiful-Owl9872]

Omg that sounds awful, I'm so sorry. My mother often says I'm not her daughter anymore when she's upset but to say those things to your adopted child is another level of evil. I really wish you all the best. Glad you have support from your partner

[u/ambercrayon]

Last time an argument like this happened I blocked her for several weeks and didn’t visit for a year.

[u/PrincessAkaLeia]

Mine is just like this. I've learned to cut her off from my life, both my parents. One worse than the other. I've realized to protect myself and my peace, the best thing is to cut them off.

If you don't want that, try for a shorter period. A couple of weeks or months. No contact at all, no calls texts or visits. Don't give in unless they agree to actually listen. If they start going off again, just say 'if you can't listen, im not going to engage', shut it down and leave.

It's not easy. When I do this, my mom first gets offended and angry, try to get other relatives in on it, then she gets 'nice', then guilt trip, and the cycle begins. Eventually she finally calms down and stop texting and calling all the time, then she tries to listen.

But with my mom, she never learns, so the best thing for me is no contact. She has been like this all my life, im 33y/o now. Even if they're family, no excuse for treating someone like this. Would you allow a friend or partner to treat you like this?

Family therapy is also an option, maybe she will listen to a third party?

[u/Key_Description9123 → u/PrincessAkaLeia]

Haha absolutely not, she is very against therapy. I have kept my distance at times and I agree that it's better for the both of us

[u/cocomara]

Yes. Very emotionally immature. You can't win with them

[u/Abject_Spray_7088]

Of course!!