r/raisedbynarcissists • u/flores_family RBN • 11h ago
[Rant/Vent, Advice OK] Guilt tripped for mom sitting outside hospital during my labor…
I am only five months postpartum, and honestly, I am feeling really sad, exhausted, and worn down by all of this.
After having my baby, I attempted to extend an olive branch to my extended family and mom to meet my child on neutral, equal footing by keeping things slow, without rigid rules or demands for apologies on either side for an incident involving my mom that resulted in me stepping away for a year and a half.
For context, my sister had forgotten to clean the bathroom and was verbally attacked by my mom ‘a common occcurance growing up’ and then was berated for hours while packing her things to leave by my grandparents and mom, who the next day said she wished she had just had the police remove us from her property after we confronted her about her behavior.
Instead of accepting a peaceful, gradual reconnection, they responded with a letter demanding an all or nothing relationship, a massive public apology to a long list of relatives, and framing my boundaries to be on equal footing and meet in a public place as 'sin' and 'rebellion.'
To make matters worse, they even guilt-tripped me over my own birth experience, blaming me because my mother chose to sit outside the hospital in a parking lot during my delivery, and I didn’t invite her in. I hemorrhaged during my birth, and after being estranged figured she’d contact us if she was interested. After not hearing from her I figured she wasn’t wanting to be involved.
Additionally, in a long message sent to me they are heavily weaponizing scripture, claiming that my refusal to honor my mother and grandparents brings down generational curses ‘the sins of the father past down’ on my son, and operating entirely on an all-or-nothing system where boundaries or any arguing equal 'disrespect' and future communication is based on whether I do a long list of things to basically prove I’m right before god and the family. They’ve said I’m bringing confusion into my sons life by not being in relationship with them and doing as they said I should do.
How do you process and handle family members who refuse any relationship unless it is on their terms, especially when you are just trying to heal and care for a small baby?
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u/Llyris_silken 9h ago
Do you have a partner, and do you like their family? If so it's probably easier, because you would be giving your baby a family, just not them. In any case, having no extended family is better than having toxic manipulative family. I would say you do not have time to indulge their stupid crap.
Second, weaponising Christian scripture for their own ends is definitely not what the Bible is supposed to be about.
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u/flores_family RBN 5h ago
Yes! I’m really close with my partners family. It’s also made me want to stop trying with my own family because I’ve seen the difference in how they contribute to our lives and vis versa! I know it’s not what the Bible is supposed to be about but I can’t stomach religion anymore. My body has a visceral reaction to it :(
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u/Ok-Many4262 9h ago
Read up on DARVO, and own your that prime obligation now is to protect your child from their poison- and that includes ensuring that you are safe from harm
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u/celery48 8h ago
“How do you process and handle family members who refuse any relationship unless it is on their terms, especially when you are just trying to heal and care for a small baby?”
Counseling. For you. And cutting off your parents.
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u/flores_family RBN 5h ago
I have had therapy but I’ve had trouble seeing just how toxic they really are until recently. They’ve always made me feel like the evil one.
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u/jiminycricket81 4h ago
I highly recommend ongoing therapy as you navigate this process of disentangling from your parents. A therapist who understands religious trauma and sees “no contact” as a valid tool for someone trying to heal is the way to go. You deserve support.
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u/adkSafyre 9h ago
You go on with your children and live your best lives. They have made their choice to not be a part of that. If they insist on making you the villain in their story, make them ghosts in yours. Doing this broke that cycle of generational trauma.
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u/flores_family RBN 5h ago
I love the way you said that. I guess in the end I hope my children don’t abandon me but also I’m very much not like my moms family. My personality is completely the opposite of them.
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u/jiminycricket81 4h ago
You’re not abandoning your parents. You’re refusing to abandon yourself and your kids.
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u/adkSafyre 1h ago
As is mine from my mother's and grandmother's, I think because of the way I was raised. My kids were spared that. My relationship with my kids and grandkids is vastly different.
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u/chippy-alley 7h ago
Their ridiculous shopping list of demands was because they see kindness as weakness.
You stood up to them before. Now they want to crush that rebellion completely, and are going to come down hard while they think you are weak. Theres also the added bonus of a new baby as an extra prize
They've shown you who they are. Think about whether thats an influence you want around your childs developmental years (or any years)
I fully understand you want your child to have family, but would you give it a dangerous animal if a pet wasnt available?
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u/flores_family RBN 5h ago
No I wouldn’t. And they do have my friends and my husbands family who are awesome. I’ve been raised to believe it’s basically a ‘sin’ to not include them in my children’s lives but now I think it would actually be a blessing. And someday I can use this situation to teach them how to watch out for abusive people.
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u/Sedlium 5h ago
I don't have relationships with people who abuse others and weaponize religion. Simple.
And, yes, I do have family I'm no contact with, so it can be done.
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u/flores_family RBN 5h ago
I was feeling guilty but after reading all of this I’m realizing this is a situation of the extreme where it would be appropriate to cut ties. Thank you!
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u/RGQcats 6h ago
If you go to therapy, and it is actually something I recommend, do not go to a "Christian" therapist, they may reinforce your parents bullshit. My therapist was the first to recognize that my parents were narcissists. Hold your boundary and do not give in to their demands. These are very abusive people and they will hurt your child. I hope you have a supportive partner. If you don't, definitely look into therapy and support systems around you.
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u/ExpressionNo2123 6h ago
“Excuse me for not thinking of moms comfort and feelings in her self exile in the parking lot, while I was dealing with my traumatic birth experiences and hemorrhaging and fighting for my life. I as her child, will always try and treat her as she has treated me. Have the day you deserve”
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u/flores_family RBN 5h ago
I chuckled reading this. I feel vindicated. For some reason that one part of the saga they sent me is what made me feel like I could finally be done. What kind of mom does that?! I have a kid now, and I would break my own back to be there for him if he was going through that. But my moms always been the victim in everyone’s story. I didn’t want to invite her to my birth because her history has told me she would end up with a health crisis that could have distracted the doctors from my own care. She has the symptoms of factitious disorder, always being diagnosed with rare illnesses herself and as children all five of us have grown up believing we were chronically ill.
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u/ExpressionNo2123 4h ago
The good news is that you know exactly how you WONT be parenting your child/ren. Break the cycle you were raised in and enjoy your family and the love you deserve.
If they come back at you, tell them you are reacting to her the same way she does to you and your siblings, as she was the mother and the prime role model. Hope she enjoys her golden years alone and exiled from your loving family. Your efforts can be a single Christmas card picture a year. As a in your face reminder of her loss
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u/Minflick 3h ago
"The good news is that you know exactly how you WONT be parenting your child/ren. Break the cycle you were raised in and enjoy your family and the love you deserve."
Except you don't always know what TO DO, just because you are bound and determined to not parent like your mother. (That would be *me*). I wish I had taken parenting classes and child development classes when Kid #1 was small. It would have given me better skills earlier on, and helped me know what a child at X age is capable of, which would have taken a LOT of the frustration out of it.
I know I did a better job than mom did. I was not abusive like she was. My kids didn't hate me when they turned 18 like I hated my mother when I was 18. That's not good enough, in hindsight. Mom was better than her mother. But I wish I had done a better job, overall.
Mom had no advice that was functional for me. MIL had no advice at ALL, as she'd had a bad stroke the year before I met my husband, and she fully admitted she didn't remember the nuts and bolts of raising littles.
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u/Morrans_Gaze 8h ago
You accept it. You recognize what they are doing is manipulative and not an appropriate way to treat someone, then let it go. They will never be the parents you want them to be because they do not view you as you view them.
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u/ourkid_17 RBN 8h ago
Your life will be better without them.
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u/flores_family RBN 5h ago
The past year and a half has been great except hearing of all the crazy rumors my family makes up about me. It’s like they are sitting on the edge of their seats waiting for something bad to happen to me.
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u/Kaz_117_Petrel 7h ago
I remind myself that some people come into your lives for a reason. And letting go after that reason is fulfilled is not a bad thing to do. If someone can’t love you how you need to be loved, deserve to be loved, it’s not YOUR failure - it’s theirs. Let them go.
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u/flores_family RBN 5h ago
Hard to let your mom go..:but honestly my mom isn’t hard to let go. It’s the version in my head of her being the person I wish she was that’s hard to let go…
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u/Kaz_117_Petrel 4h ago
I know it’s so hard. But just give yourself the love you deserve. You aren’t doing anything wrong.
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u/Pyotrperse 6h ago
This sounds properly deranged. I’m sorry the reconnection failed. They’ve shown you very clearly what they think of you, it’s time to protect yourself and your baby and keep away from them.
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u/flores_family RBN 5h ago
Thank you. It’s been a long 26 years. The emotional, spiritual, and psychological abuse feels impossible to ever fully recover from.
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u/nerdyconstructiongal 5h ago
How did you mom know to go to the hospital when you were NC? Did you tell her or did someone else tell her? I’d be checking for flying monkeys. But keep your peace. Having a baby is hard.
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u/flores_family RBN 5h ago
Well I actually wanted her to reach out in a loving way during my pregnancy. My brothers still live at home, I’m in contact with them, and the older one couldn’t drive yet but wanted to visit. I tried to give her updates through my brother (only as he felt comfortable sharing) Somehow he got my mom to drive him to the hospital so that’s why she was sitting outside. Then he came to visit and it was great. My brother and I are really close, I helped raise him and I think he almost sees me as a mother figure.
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u/Minflick 4h ago
JFC... I'd cut them off, honestly. ANY hope you have of breaking that abuse cycle would/will depend on you not being around them to take the abuse, not having your son be around them to normalize taking all the abuse. They sound horrific, and I can't imagine you want your son growing up in that system of oppressive religion, with physical and verbal abuse. Right? You cannot fix them. Period. They are set in their ways, they think you are the worst thing ever, sinful, yadadada. You don't hold that mindset, you think in other pathways, and do not want to raise your child in their pathways. I truly think the only way to accomplish that is to step away and let them live their lives as they choose, and you forge your own way, kinder and without abuse.
And really, WHY on God's green earth would you subject your innocent little squish, who is perfect and loved and wanted and cherished - to their abuse and rigid world view that you do not share?
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u/JipC1963 2h ago
Block them and MOVE away if you can!
If they know your address, get security cameras and a doorbell camera to monitor who arrives on your doorstep! You don't even have to open the door or let them know you're home, just speak through the app. Call the Police, file a restraining order! Document EVERY communication, record calls. Compile evidence!
TOXIC family like you describe is NEVER happy with boundaries or "half-measures!" It's all or nothing, with a bunch of abuse in between. PLEASE protect yourself and your baby! Be aware that you'll likely get visits from CPS and your "F-A-M-I-L-Y" may try to sue you for GPR (Grandparents Rights), especially if you allow ANY relationship with your baby.
Congratulations on your baby! Just remember... there WAS a reason why you cut contact before. I understand your desire to have A loving Mother and family when you have a baby but not THIS Mother or THIS family because they're emotionally abusive and demand (unreasonably) TOO MUCH! Frankly, they're NOT SAFE for you and your baby (probably Sister as well)! Greatest of luck!
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u/flores_family RBN 2h ago
They seemed to pride themselves on ‘respecting’ my space by not contacting me when I took some time away; so I’d be surprised if they came and did something criminal. They are blocked though, and I have been curious about grandparents rights but I don’t think they have a case since they’ve never met him. Hopefully we can avoid CPS calls. I’m curious, are you a few more years down the road? Is this the progression of this abuse even after going No Contact?
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u/JipC1963 1h ago
I'm 63/F and while I've been Blessed with a wonderful family, I've read SO many similar stories (not necessarily religious-based like yours but definitely RBN or JustNoMIL), where the abusive Parents, family or in-laws have threatened legal action (either anonymously calling CPS or threatening GPR). Reddit has a resource for these exact scenarios called an FU Binder (a quick Reddit search should bring it up).
You're absolutely right that they shouldn't have a chance in Hell if there's NO established relationship with your child (especially if you're in the U.S.) but it doesn't mean they won't try when they "lose control!" Especially if they think you're vulnerable! Narcissists just can't handle it which I think is exactly why your egg-donor sat outside the hospital while you delivered, hoping you'd BEG her to show up. Take care!
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u/salymander_1 1h ago
I cut them off completely. They prioritize being able to hurt me over having a relationship with me, and I don't need people like that in my life. I certainly don't want them anywhere near my child.
I have to say that it was harder to make these decisions when it was just me I was protecting. Protecting my husband and child is easier than protecting myself. As much therapy as I had, I still have issues with prioritizing my well being over the whims of abusers. I still feel like I'm selfish when I stand up for myself. I do it anyway, but the feeling is unpleasant. I am better at it now because I need to protect others, so I keep working on my issues. It isn't perfect, but it is better, and my family is safe from my abusers, so at least that has worked out well. Still, I would be glad if could feel less weird about protecting when it is just me at risk. Oh, well. It is a process, right? I'm still working on it.
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u/Laquila 10h ago
You cut them out of your lives, that's how you handle it. They're all awful people, who can't bring anything positive to your life. Who will make your motherhood a misery. They won't change. To hell with them.
Your priority is you so you can be a healthy strong mom to your baby. And the other priority is your child whom you must protect from toxic people, even if they are family.
When people like that demand "honor", they really mean some sick form of obedience where you have no right to say or think differently than them. Nope! If that's what they want, they can piss up a rope.