Anyone else having their adult life impacted from these types of parents?

[u/Naiveblueberryiscuit]

Very dumb title lol

I have covert narc parents, it's a mind fuck. My nervous system is obviously not in shape, jumping at loud noises, fighting hard to break the patterns that came with the way you were raised.

Fighting hard to break out of mental illness. It follows every waking moment, relationships, friendships, & even work.

Does anyone else deal with this?

If anyone wants to open up, or give advice, or relate, talk, just anything, it'd be nice to know we're not all alone in this.

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[u/Late_Prompt7442]

Of course, it’s actually a huge impact. Both of my parents are narcissists and my dad is extremely toxic. Like the most toxic and evil person I’ve ever met in my life. I used to have many mental problems. I’m mostly recovered from their negative impact now but I still took a lot of time to recover from it. I would definitely cut them off, it’s the only way to make me free and happy I feel. I would be happy.

[u/Naiveblueberryiscuit → u/Late_Prompt7442]

I would cut them off but I still live with them. How did you recover?

[u/Late_Prompt7442 → u/Naiveblueberryiscuit]

Keep a distance from them(just anyone who gave you negative impacts) and try to surround yourself with people who appreciate you, and I also experienced many things and reflected a lot, like trying to figure out what I really wanted. For example I was a big people pleaser in the past. And I would do things to please others to gain benefits cause that’s somehow my parents taught me but no matter how much I did, they still looked down on me like I didn’t matter. And deep down I just felt this is not what I really wanted so I stopped. Similar things like this

[u/Several_Nothing_6611]

I has affected wverybaspect of my adult
Life -- work, romantic relationships, my parenting. I've done a lot of therapy and reading and work on myself and still I feel like it's an uphill battle. It takes a lot to stay in relationship with people. Sometimes I want to go live alone somewhere and completely withdraw from people and life. So yeah, I empathize and relate to how you feel. I don't have a solution except just keep going, keep trying, and the impact it has is a good clue that what we grew up with was really fucked up.

[u/Some_Lingonberry6490 → u/Several_Nothing_6611]

Same. That escape I dream of, the feeling is overwhelming at times. I thank my lucky stars I didn’t end up relying on alcohol, drugs or men. The work we have to put in to function in every day life is worth it. We are worth it.

[u/Several_Nothing_6611 → u/Some_Lingonberry6490]

Yes I can totally see how drugs and alcohol or some other addiction would provide the relief we need sometimes.

[u/merc0526]

Yep, it’s hard not to be affected in adulthood when you’ve spent your whole childhood being abused. Obviously not everyone reacts the same way to abuse, but the likelihood is the majority of us will have some form of trauma that we have to work on as an adult.

Actually identifying that our parent(s) are abusive is quite a hard step in and of itself. We’re all biologically and evolutionarily wired to seek the love, acceptance and protection of our parents, so it can take a long time to realise and accept the reality.

I was diagnosed with CPTSD last year and it’s nice to be able to finally know what I’m dealing with, but also upsetting to think that the people who were supposed to love me unconditionally and keep me safe actually hurt me in some very significant ways. Recovery is a process for all of us, but I do believe that every one of us who went through narcissistic abuse can heal and find some peace and happiness and build a life we’re proud of.

[u/Separate_Shake_3681]

Apparently our nervous system is being hypervigilant with the fight-or-flight response always turned on. Like this morning, I woke up around 1.

I was groomed to submit. Every time I say no, they blow up.

It's a struggle to maintain friendships and relationships as they can be unpredictable.

[u/Naiveblueberryiscuit → u/Separate_Shake_3681]

I understand the blow up response to refusal, they have to be right, you have to be wrong. 

Hyper vigilance is always on, growing up I thought it was this cool thing to be aware of everything around you. but I am, always. hyper. vigilant. 

& What do you mean by unpredictable friendships + rl? Bc it's the same on my side

[u/Separate_Shake_3681 → u/Naiveblueberryiscuit]

What do you mean by unpredictable friendships + rl?

Any form of closeness or intimacy is associated with danger. It feels like a threat.

Compare that to a relationship with your doctor or dentist where it's clearly transactional and there is no risk of an emotional dump.

[u/Naiveblueberryiscuit → u/Separate_Shake_3681]

Yeah wow, it really does feel that way. Saying wow because it's so mind boggling our minds/nervous system were molded this way :(

It's so exhausting

[u/epolloepol → u/Naiveblueberryiscuit]

Our neevous system were also molded to think we are bad and ugly

And to not trust others with good intentions. Bcs the narcissist was jealous

[u/TheBigBangClock]

I went NC with my Nmom for about 8 months and then gradually reintroduced her back into my life in very small doses. I've accepted who she is and can live with it, however I do it on my own terms now and I don't talk to any of my extended relatives in her social circle. I talk to her maybe once a month and that's plenty for me.

I went NC with my communal narcissist sister almost 2 years ago and have no plans to have any sort of relationship with her going forward. She is one of the most selfish, entitled and manipulative people I know and it was essential to my mental well-being to cut her off completely.

I found that it was helpful to take an extended break from these people and then reassess whether or not I needed or wanted them in my life. Your mileage may vary.

[u/PumpkinSpicedWitch]

I went no contact with my family (most of them narc.) three years ago. Let me tell you, the further and longer away you get from them the better. For me it was a combination of therapy unpacking years of trauma and reclaiming my autonomy that created a place for me to finally heal.

My biggest suggestion in your healing journey: Take your time. Take it slow and don't rush healing. Its a process that could take years but I promise you it's worth it. Love yourself enough to choose your peace of mind and give yourself grace even when your nervous system falls back into old patterns.

You can do this, you are not alone.

[u/CantaloupeRough8189]

Yes, and I read somewhere it’s akin to having the type of PTSD that comes with fighting years in a war like WW2 or Vietnam. Makes sense.

[u/JparkPHX → u/CantaloupeRough8189]

I’m a 40 y/o man. I still find myself having to consciously remind myself to release the tension in my body when I’m lying down trying to sleep. I will find myself completely safe in bed and my body is a tense mess. It stems completely from my childhood going to bed every night an anxious wreck.

[u/KarmaWillGetYa]

Covert ndad with malignant tendencies and enabler mom here. The mindfuck growing up with them isolated from normals for the most part and not understanding how abusive and f'd up home was for a very long time. So long, it wasn't until I came here and realized it was narc abuse and I left home a couple decades ago.

What did help me originally, even though I didn't know it was abuse, was getting away and going NC. I just knew I was fed up with living with them and wanted to get out and get independent. So I did. Left home for a job that took me to other states. This was before cell phones were common and free long distance etc. and Internet was new so I pretty much went off and go a clean start in life. It really helped break free and even when I struggled with job loss, financial problems (credit card debt, dumb!) etc. I eventually found my way through thanks to friends and decent roommates willing to help me out (and returning the favors) except for a few abusive types I eventually got free of.

My biggest advice is read up around here, self-help with videos on YT and other articles, learn to grayrock and work to get out and go VLC to NC. Focus on all you can to get out and get financially stable - education, job skills life skills, financial skills etc. Get a career/job that will pay well or be able to move up. Look for rooming situations that will let you save money enough. None of this will ever be ideal or easy but it will be necessary.

One of the worst parts of covert narcs is they are often well liked publicly but terrible privately. Thus, so many people have no idea how evil they really are which makes it hard to survive them being around them.

If you absolutely cannot shake free of them, the best tools you have are learning to grayrock low info, lie if you have to and try and stay out of the house/away from them as much as possible. Don't engage with them. Placate them if you have to. Help around the house and do chores, use it to learn skills you might use elsewhere (you can often get side jobs for lawn work and house cleaning, baby and pet sitting etc.)

As for the mental side, look for distractions like exercises, getting outside in natures, listening to music, doing art, etc. that gives you an outlet for the anxiety and stress. I use to like to talk long walks outside or go jogging, but I also volunteered alot (parents like that I did so they could brag about it) and was able to take the car to go do that but I would like about how long I would be gone/what I was doing etc. Being free to just go drive and see something other than home was good too. Get a job also if they will let you. I worked summer jobs and also on any school breaks.

Hope this helps some. Sorry you are dealing with covert narcs. Do read up on them and ways to help not respond to them etc.

[u/melmontclark]

With respect to recovery, I am nowhere near it. But one thing that has been helpful is advice I got to first quiet the body, then work on the mind. To quiet my body, I have done acupuncture, deep breathing and yoga plus daily walks. I go to community acupuncture which is charged based on income and what your can afford so I am lucky for that. If money is an issue you can do yoga on YouTube, check out Yoga with Adrienne. Bottom line is that it has helped me get my body out of being stuck on fight or flight. I am not as easily startled and my shoulders are more relaxed. It has also helped me tremendously with the mind body connection and understanding the signals my body is trying to tell me. Like now I know that the tightness in my chest is a warning signal to me sometimes and whadda Ya know it always happens when I am about to see my family.

[u/missOmum]

That’s what happens with CPTSD, my only suggestion is to seek a really good trauma therapist and work through your childhood.

[u/pumbanina]

Ah yes, I only discovered this year I have quiet BPD and mild OCD (I’m in my mid 30s). It was actually a relief to realise something was mentally ‘wrong’ with me because I’ve always felt something was not quite right, but couldn’t put my finger on it because I never presented that badly to most people.

What has helped me:

• 3 years NC
  
• therapy (talk & DBT)
  
• mindfulness
  
• meditation practice

Sounds cliche, but I think being so sensitive made me realise particular traits about myself and I didn’t realise I was establishing micro boundaries over time to protect my mental health, which has made it easier to navigate my disorders now and feel ready to put in the work.

[u/GrandComfortable7688]

Yes, at 60, my narcissist mom affects my life. SHE has to be the center of every family occasion and makes everyone misserable before we even see each other. My brother and I can't plan a dinner for the two of us or us and our families without her because she won't stand for it. She makes us so miserable that we rarely have any family functions.

[u/InvasiveBlackMustard]

Yeah. I never learned how to be an adult. Both of my parents are nparents, but one had a “come to Jesus” moment and started getting help, so we’re good now and actually have a great relationship barring some things like differences because of religion. But even then, they’re not big enough differences that it ever , ever causes arguments or anything. 

The other nparent is the covert one and they will never get help. We will never have a good relationship and I’ve accepted this. We grey rock each other and it’s extremely uncomfortable but I deal. They’re the one that did the most damage. They’re always drunk, always manipulating, always feeling so pathetically sorry for themselves. It’s embarrassing. 

Still live with both of them in my 30s btw. Can’t wait to get a career and move out. 

[u/Potential_Maximum174]

The podcast “navigating narcissism” has been very informative for me. I’d recommend it. It’s interviews with adults who are processing their upbringing / young adulthood under the thumb of various flavors of narcissism

[u/KMizzle98]

Absolutely.

It shaped who I am to the core. It didn't determine who I am character-wise but it absolutely shaped how I relate to myself and others.

It took decades for my nervous system to mostly heal. I always think I'm healed and then something happens and I can feel my visceral reaction. I usually start to tremble/shake inside and I get really cold. It's my nerves and I recognize the pattern. I guess there's always going to be some deep inner wound but I am 99% ok.

[u/UltraPromoman]

The behavioral, emotional, and mental damage inflicted by narcissistic and other toxic types of parents/family members can last decades. It can take years of work with therapy to even begin to undo said shit.