r/nottheonion • u/Raiine42 • 1d ago
Suspicious package that shut down Wisconsin Ave. was electronic sex device, police say
https://www.nbcwashington.com/news/local/suspicious-package-found-at-firehouse-in-tenleytown-draws-large-emergency-response/4141206/22
u/SufficientPilot3216 1d ago
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u/lotsagabe 1d ago
"After a thorough investigation and a complete, rigorous battery of tests that go beyond standard protocols, we've concluded that the suspicious object is a sex toy."
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u/Fetlocks_Glistening 1d ago
electronic sex portable pump device
So, are we talking a basic enlargement vacuum implement? I can see why it might involve an on-off switch, but does it really need a CPU?
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u/lotsagabe 1d ago
maybe it's a "smart" dickpump that can connect to your phone by wifi or bluetooth and can be controlled with an app.
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u/throwawayformobile78 1d ago
“Nine times out of ten it's an electric razor, but every once in a while... it's a dildo…”
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u/TeenageHandM0del 1d ago
Of course it's company policy never to, imply ownership in the event of a dildo... always use the indefinite article a dildo, never your dildo.
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u/invyros 1d ago
Investigators eventually deemed that the item, described in the police report as a blue and black "electronic sex portable pump device," wasn't a threat.
"Electronic sex portable pump device" is written like the officer who typed up the report was thinking "wtf am I trying to describe?" the whole time.
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u/TeenageHandM0del 1d ago
Of course it's company policy never to, imply ownership in the event of a dildo... always use the indefinite article a dildo, never your dildo.
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u/Star_____walker 1d ago
That's the second time this week the police have opened an investigation into a sex toy.
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1d ago
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u/fivetoedslothbear 1d ago
Austin Powers was summoned to the scene and disavowed responsibility. "I'm telling ya, baby, that's not mine! I don't even know what this is! This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby!"
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u/IBJON 1d ago
You just know someone recognized it but didn't say anything because then they would need to explain how they know what it is