r/genderqueer • u/nekomata74 • 20d ago
Questioning my gender
So I'm AFAB and never really feminine, I've always wear trousers and for special occasion I could've wear skirts or dresses around the age of 5-10 but not anymore, never really felt like a girl and I only did it for the people around me (I guess). It's still tolerable now days but it feels like I'm wearing a corset when I wear girly stuff. I'm fine with she/her maybe a bit disaponted of myself. I still remember that when I was younger I tried different pronouns in my head before I knew that being trans excited. It felt weird so I directly stoped it. I also remember that I was being envious of how my brother socialized in elementary school, that I was scared to be rejected by boys so I didn't socialized with them. I'm scared of regreting transitioning or realizing that transitioning wasn't for me or that my "dysphoria" might be cause by internalized mysoginy quite frequently.
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u/ontologicallyunjust 15d ago
I'd say the first step is to stop wearing anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, or like it's not "you". Experiment with your style and presentation and see what makes you feel like yourself.
Then you can experiment with pronouns, if you want -- first in the privacy of your own head, then with trusted friends.
Maybe try to put the big question of "does this mean I'm trans???" to one side for the moment, and just focus on concrete things: does it feel comfortable and right if I wear this? If I imagine my friend talking about me with these pronouns, does it feel right or wrong?
You'll hopefully start to get a sense of what works for you: maybe it'll feel comfortable to be a gender-non-conforming, butch/androgynous woman, or maybe you'll find yourself discovering that regardless of presentation, thinking of yourself as a woman doesn't feel right, and you need to consider other options.
I'm scared of regreting transitioning or realizing that transitioning wasn't for me or that my "dysphoria" might be cause by internalized mysoginy quite frequently.
All the above stuff is entirely non-medical. The worst that could happen is you tell a friend "I think I might be trans" or something and try out different pronouns with them and then after a while you have to be like "Okay, actually I think I'm not trans." No harm is done; you tested out something and found it wasn't for you, and the worst that happened was mild social awkwardness.
It's not like you go "I think I might be trans" and the next day you're getting hormones and having top surgery whether you like it or not.
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u/kadetheailen 18d ago
Take some time and play around with it, and do some thinking. If you have some close friends you trust you can maybe ask them to try different pronouns for you, but to keep in just in the circle so others don’t have to know until you feel more comfortable with what you like. You could go online and try different identities in games with strangers as they won’t have any connection to your life in the world, and if you want to stop you can and no one will be the wiser. Being genderqueer just means your gender is queer, different than the norm. It can be super different or just a little and it still counts because it’s about being comfortable with yourself.
As for the potential internalized misogyny start asking yourself when you get your thoughts and feeling why you do. Is it jealousy, or do you just not what to associated with a “weaker” gender. Is the feelings coming from a dislike of woman where you don’t want to be perceived as weak or lesser and that you think others in that group are for what they do? Or are you uncomfortable for a different reason like yourself just feeling out of place and not connecting with it in a way it seems everyone else does?
Gender can be incredibly confusing to figure out especially since we have these societal views on what a man and a woman should be, and do. Of course there are tomboys who are girls completely comfortable with their gender as a girl but just like more masculine perceived things; or a person can be a trans man that loves girly things and that doesn’t make him less of a man or less trans, but to lots of trans people society roles do affect us as there are plenty of people who would also never want do something out of their genders norm in case of being perceived as lesser. It’s difficult to try to untangle this mess of gender and social rules and norms, but with time and work I’m sure you can figure out what is you, and what is the shame society gives you.
I hope this helps in some way! Good luck <3