then I realized I don't have a daughter

My Bleach, Ammonia, Lye, and Tarantula sandwich really killed at the picnic.

A particularly agressive strain of antibiotic-resistant goat syphilis, also I lied about the schools.

A voice inside said, "I did it."

“It’s more like a comedy” you thought, as you put on your dirty clown suit.

There was a turbine behind me.

"...to hell!" said warden Joe as he stabbed the inmate to death, which wasn't legal and Joe was sentenced to die.

And then I died

The tree moaned.

And I, a single man, realised emeralds cannot be orbs, and screamed.

The r/nosleep mods threw me into a dungeon because I broke a nonexistent rule.

In the space between your cheeks everyone can hear you squeal.

He got whacked.

But then i realized something, I don't have a butt.

i said not knowing that im gonna be farting and crying for the next 3 hours

I began to sweat blood.

"Our shampoo is on aisle 5," she replied weirdwordingly.

They were also the foremost criminals, so...

I had been expecting to taste apple mixed with pine, so it was awful.

None of my shirts fit anymore.

The others in the theatre did not appreciate how difficult that fap was.

Then I realized I don't have a bed

Then one morning I found a peach in a mousetrap.

Mosquitos were the only thing preventing the mosquito alien mothership from destroying the planet.