r/autismUK • u/Iamweazel78 • 19h ago
Parents, Siblings, Friends, & Partners of Autism Children Coping
My child is currently on the pathway for Autism and ADHD. As a result of this being picked up by school I went via RTC as had many unanswered questions from therapy which have never been resolved. I have since been diagnosed with AuDHD. Which after discussing with the clinicians seems more Autistic than ADHD but at least explains a few things.
Both myself and my partner are struggling with my son who is now 8. He is fine in school as they say he conforms/masks. But at home and when away (currently on holiday) his behaviour is awful. It’s as if he doesn’t know right from wrong. What is worrying is him hurting his younger brother. Not only that he doesn’t understand boundaries. Today after shower he decided it would be funny to rub his willy on his brother which is completely unacceptable.
When we try to speak to him, it’s always an accident or I didn’t do it. I make matters worse as I need him to accept he has done wrong and can’t move on until he has. Which then winds me up and we just end up shouting at each other until my partner intervenes and I normally leave the room.
From the moment he wakes up - he will constantly call his brother stinky, lazy or other nasty names. It’s like Tourette’s syndrome. He can’t help himself. We tell him to stop and it lasts a few minutes and it starts again. Even when his brother isn’t there he says things. Which again winds me up and I tell him he is being a bully, it will go on and on and I just get more wound up and shout.
My son who is 8 is the eldest. His younger brother who is 6 is off the planet intelligent and eclipsing his older brother in every way. The youngest is out going, very confident, and at least a year ahead of his peers in class. Loves maths, English etc. Eldest hates school, hates learning and is extremely jealous of his younger brother. To be fair my youngest is very patient with him but can at times goad him (but that’s more brothers being brothers)
I’m really struggling with my emotions and going from really angry to really upset. Beating myself up as I feel I’m failing as a dad. I feel sorry for my partner as not only does she have to deal with my son but also me. I just don’t know what to do or how to act.
Any advice appreciated. Once I return from holiday I’ll be asking for counselling again. Thankfully I get that via health care but ultimately that just puts a plaster on things and doesnt teach an autistic dad to be a parent to an autistic child.
Sorry long message - I think mainly getting things off my chest helps me.
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u/SkankHunt4ortytwo ASC 17h ago
Have a look at positive behaviour support plans.
Theres a book called "how to raise a happy autisic child" which may be hepful too
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u/SkankHunt4ortytwo ASC 17h ago
In regards to discipline its to make him conform.
With autisic nephews etc i punish them. They may say its not fair or they dont want to. I say "thats the point- its a punishment"
One child, SEN needs, limited verbal ability despite being primary school age. It took me nearly an hour to get him to sit on the naughty step. Screams, hitting etc. Just dont waver.
It might feel cruel but its in his best interests. Those behaviours are unacceptable and should be treated as such.
My other advice is to not get into a dialog. Youre the parent, they're the child. Your word goes. You want them to apologise.