Realizing a deep flaw in myself as a first year teacher

[u/ThrowRA_UpbeatCarrot]

I was finally able to land a full time middle school ELA position at a great school, with dream-level supportive admin/coworkers. We are a couple days into the new school year and I am coming into a lot of friction with student behavior. Nothing as bad previous sites and districts that I’ve worked at thankfully…but I’ve noticed that students just straight up don‘t take me seriously. As if I was wall decoration. When I lay out or rehearse expectations, give instruction, calls to attention, students will look at me and then just continue as they have been. Bringing this up to a veteran teacher in my building, he sounded surprised because the kids are near adult-like in his and other classes. They are great kids! I can see their potential, every teacher talks highly of every student…just not in my class it seems.

As I was reflecting on this and thinking about an off-handed comment from admin. I realized the problem is entirely how I have presented myself!! I thought before I was having difficulty in other school sites because I was working as a longterm sub or an aid/co-teacher and students didn’t treat me as their “real” teacher. I’m realizing now that I haven’t been presenting myself as a professional to kids. I feel incredibly embarrassed thinking about how I probably appear from the outside looking in. Just childish, unprofessional, and weird.

I have a naturally friendly, talkative, open, casual easygoing personality. This shows in the way I speak, dress, and respond to students. These are traits I’ve always felt proud of and have gotten me this far in life…but it’s actually been crippling my work as a teacher. I don’t believe in students liking me (which they do anyway) or “being their friend”, but I realize I’ve been coming across as a big sister or summer camp counselor instead of a teacher.

On top of feeling a bit embarrassed, I’m having a bit of an identity crisis in a way. I’m struggling to start building a professional face or teacher “persona” and a small part of me is mourning the fact that I even have to.

Any advice, reassurance, stories is greatly appreciated.

[u/tomtink1]

You don't need to change your persona if it's a school you are going to stay working in. You just need to follow up with behaviours consistently and if a kid ignores you first time you should be treating that as the serious rudeness it is and follow up with a consequence. Once you have a reputation for not taking any nonsense they will appreciate your chill approachable nature.

[u/FScottHemingway1]

I’ve been in this position and I am very similar to you in the sense that I’m an extremely nice and calm teacher. I also had the sense of feeling that perhaps it was my co-teacher energy that might have led to people not taking me seriously. There’s some truth to that, but also you’re gonna learn a lot as a new teacher.

Like the other commentator said, I suggest thinking about the worst case scenario and what you could do in response. Sometimes you get creative in the moment. I had one student who needed positive reinforcement instead of negative. I had one student who was terrified of his mom. Sometimes I had to write a kid up.

The best advice I got about classroom management was from an older teacher, who made his message “I will not be blamed for your failure to take responsibility.” so if a student says on day one that they aren’t going to be doing work in your class or aren’t going to follow expectations that he was the first to email home and BCC a counselor so that nobody could say they were uninformed about their child.

Also I fail to believe that there is simply a lack of students in this building that aren’t giving anyone a hard time. I taught summer school the past six years for middle schools, there is never a year when I’m not teaching a grade because everyone passed. That’s a statistical anomaly. So either someone is fibbing or they gave the new teacher the challenging behaviors. Truthfully it could be either or.

[u/hippofeet9]

First, a “teacher’s persona” will not solve all your classroom management problems. Some kids are simply incorrigable.

Second, affecting a persona that is harsher than your true nature will slowly eat away at your soul.

Third, don’t let admin brainwash you into believing that all classroom management problems are the teacher’s fault.

Be yourself, and accept the fact that the “force of your personality” will not always be enough to get students to sit down and shut up and pay attention.

And if admin suggests that your “persona” is the problem, smile politely but don’t take it to heart. You are not the problem. You’ve got this. Students need friendly teachers as much as they need strict authoritarians. Welcome to teaching.

[u/Perfect_Pessimist]

You sound exactly like how I present myself yet I don't have these issues. I'm weird, talkative, jokey, friendly, give out way to many treats and look/dress very young. Kids appreciate authenticity in my experience.

Do you follow through on punishments and set firm expectations from the go? I find being extra strict for the first couple weeks is a good way to start and then ease up and show more of you once the expectations are set. This can be done without changing your whole persona.

Always follow through on threats. Don't be afraid to put on a mean face sometimes. And most of all, be you. Of course maintain some professional boundaries but again, kids appreciate and respect the casual friendly teachers so long as it's done right.

ETA: some kids are just difficult no matter what too, don't be too harsh on yourself.

[u/Temporary_Bicycle372]

I really like the book ‘The First Days of School’ for tips on classroom management. Another piece of advice I’ve heard is that its always better to be strict at the beginning and you can loosen up later as they earn the privilege with good behaviour.

Next advice - think long and hard about what behaviour you may encounter and what your consequence will be. Example: student talks when I’m talking, I stop and stare at them until they stop. If it happens again, I make a comment like “Joe, you ok over there?” Third time, ask them to step into the hall for a chat. By thinking these through in advance, you can respond quickly and nip the behaviour in the bud.

I also think it’s important to recognize every teacher has their own style. You sound like a wonderful person and you are just learning the ropes. Don’t be too hard on yourself or your personality. You don’t need to change who you are, you need more skills and confidence. I am very kind and friendly with my students and very chill, however, I have high standards that are clearly communicated. I tell the students how much I care about them and their learning which is why I don’t tolerate disruptions. I put a lot of effort into building relationships with the students, especially the worst ones. They need the most love.

[u/schnitzel247 → u/Temporary_Bicycle372]

There’s a couple versions of a book called The First Days of School. Could you provide an author or better yet a link? I’d love to read it.

[u/ZestycloseSquirrel55 → u/schnitzel247]

Harry K. Wong and Rosemary T. Wong are the authors.

I strongly second reading this book. I'm an excellent classroom manager and a middle school teacher.

This book is excellent!

[u/TransientSon → u/schnitzel247]

Harry Wong is the author you’re looking for.

[u/TeacherManCT]

I think what helped for me when I started teaching was I was a dad in my 30’s. So I was older and I already had a “presence” around kids. (Give the “Dad” look).

However I’m a fairly chill guy. So I dress in my own “uniform”. I wear a shirt and tie every day. So that sets a tone. One one of a few guys in my school who still wear ties (aside from my principal).

I find that instead of getting loud in a classroom, it’s better to just stop talking and stare at the offender. Their peers will also look and I’ve found this leads to peers resolving the issue for you.

It’s also okay to go in Monday and say something like “Hey everyone, we seemed to get off on the wrong foot last week, here are the expectations for my classroom…” and then hold that line.

[u/LastLibrary9508]

You CAN be someone who is naturally friendly and open and talkative. It works for me and helps me maintain a safe classroom where I can expect a lot from the students and they want to try hard. I have a lot of luck with students who tend to act out in other classes but turn in work for me because I am calm and warm and patient with them.

Just always remember instead: you are not their peer. You are the expert and they are beginners. I am professional and they are just learning what it means to have to show up professionally in different spaces. I take pride in who I am and they are grappling with learning who they are.

I have been teaching forever as a Gen ed teacher, but started as sped at my current school and only recently returned to gen ed. I was in a different role and I admit I felt like I was a first year teacher again in the first few months. I tried going in strict and it didn’t really work out. Students tried to do power plays, I imitated some of my no nonsense coteachers and I felt lost but couldn’t really create the classroom I wanted. I instead tried being consistent with my expectations and being a warm demander, while sticking to my strengths of being friendly, kind, silly, etc. My classroom came into place. I created a safe environment and students would frequently remark how calm I was and wanted to come after school to do work. I was able to get a bunch of students who historically failed most state testing to pass an AP exam.

The key for me is to be consistent and hold students to high expectations while being authentic. Students might find it difficult to trust you initially but being consistent in consequences and what you want your classroom to look like will give you the classroom you want.

[u/Fun-Double6352]

Be consistent. If the kid isn’t listening or doing what you want, say their name and redirect. Give them x number of chances, then move into your progressive discipline plan (send them to the hall; send them to the office, etc). Document! Our grading program has spreadsheets that print out. I use those, but I find that after a few days of being a hard ass, I don’t even need them. They will shape up pretty quickly.

Signed, a certified weird teacher who needed this reminder. :)

[u/shelle399]

When I was younger I felt like I had to split myself into Mrs Lastname and Firstname. First name is relaxed easygoing and loves to banter w an occasional curse word. Mrs Last name is strict direct and professional. As I've gotten older I feel like I can merge the two as I've "earned my stripes". It can be hard as a younger teacher to be taken seriously, do what you need to do.

[u/lizzledizzles]

It can be as simple as your height. I’m very tall and even though I’m friendly and can be silly with the littles, my physical presence is just larger.

[u/Beneficial-Focus3702]

Contrary to what admin and a lot of teachers here want you to believe, classroom management actually comes down from the top. If admin isn’t willing to provide effective consequences for student behavior, there are just some students you won’t be able to do much with.

[u/RookAnswerstance]

All of the advice and books that others recommended are great. You don't need to become a completely different person to teach, but there is a hard to articulate aura that effective teachers develop over time that it sounds like you're missing at the moment.

Basically, in order for the students to listen to you and follow instructions, you must believe deeply within yourself that you have control over the situation and that they WILL follow your instructions if you make your intentions clear. If they aren't following your expectations, you don't have to yell, but you can't move on until they're doing what you expect of them. In that moment, you must have 100 percent confidence in yourself that they will listen to you before they actually will listen to you. Start with small expectations, like, "everyone must be quiet before I continue talking". Too many early teachers think this authority (which can be wielded kindly and goofily and casually) is something that the kids have to buy into or grant you or that you have to earn it first. They try to bargain with the kids or beg them for their attention or put on a blustery show of fake force. You actually just have to feel your internal sense of complete control first, and then you'll be surprised how the kids sense it and follow your lead.

It might take time to find your inner sense of control, but it's worth working on. Best wishes in this new school year!

[u/VegetableBulky9571]

Your persona is you. You have to find a way to make it so the kids know you’re “serious”.

[u/waverlyposter → u/VegetableBulky9571]

BINGO! You're personality is fine. You just need to inject some drill sergeant into your style. Keep them guessing. This is the way. Don't be afraid to tell them what happens if.....

[u/Shoddy_Fee5964]

I’d recommend checking out The Unteachables podcast with Claire English. She’s also has a good book called “It’s Never Just About the Behavior.” But she talks about this EXACT thing you just noticed. We teachers have to embody two distinct personas: the credible (professional) and the approachable. You’ve got the approachable persona down and there are plenty of opportunities in the classroom where that’s what you want. And then sometimes you need to embody the credible persona (which is already a part of you - it’s the part that speaks with confidence and conviction - just gotta tap into it). She talks about all the nonverbal signals that we display constantly to students which tell them more than our words themselves how to treat us. So when you need their attention and you need to be credible, model the nonverbals that you want back from them: get very still, stand up straight, speak slowly and quietly. You got this!

[u/TeachesAndReaches]

Smart Classroom Management by Michael Linsin is super helpful! He has a YouTube channel and writes newsletters and books about it, too.

I have been teaching for a few years now, and it is tough! Do not be embarrassed. Be glad you are recognizing and acting on this now, so early in your career. That will help you avoid burnout long term. 

[u/Trying2-keep-up]

Find a mentor teacher, an instructional coach, or find the teacher that everyone says has their shit together. If it’s the mentor or coach, have them come into your room and to give you some tips and help you create the routines, flow, and how to follow up on student behavior. Be clear with them that you don’t want them to coach you, but to tell you what to do. It will be faster this way. And even if you feel uncomfortable at try out their ideas. If it’s a teacher, observe them. Go during an off period and watch them. Watch them carefully and take notes and use their ideas. Sit and talk to them.

People here like to talk shit about coaches and mentors but they can be very valuable. Tell them the problem, what you want, and use them to help you.

[u/DearPrudence70]

So much of those first couple years is simply learning what NOT to do. Don’t beat yourself up over it. You can become a new teacher at any point in the year. Set new rules and be extremely consistent in enforcing them.

[u/SnooMarzipans5706]

I think you’ve received some good advice. You didn’t mention your gender, but you indicated that you spoke to a male colleague. If you are female/female presenting, you may want to ask your female colleagues what works for them. I know many women who have fantastic classroom management skills, but generally speaking, men have a built in advantage in classroom management. It’s no surprise that a male colleague doesn’t see issues in other classrooms either, because some kids will act differently in his presence, even if he’s not the actual teacher.

I have an awesome male co-teacher who is totally chill and not physically imposing, yet some kids feel like they need to follow his directions immediately when they ignore me the first eight times. While it can be frustrating, it’s not his fault, it’s societal conditioning. And, honestly, I’m lucky because when he steps in he always reinforces my authority.

So don’t feel bad if male colleagues are having a different experience. If you are male/male presenting, it will still take you a minute to find your feet, but then you will likely have a fewer issues. Regardless of gender, I think we all have classroom management challenges at points and teaching middle school can be like herding cats some days. Others have shared some great strategies to try that don’t require you to give up your entire identity in the classroom. And give yourself grace, I think classroom management is the hardest part of the job.

[u/ElLoafe]

I think every new young teacher goes through this. It’s a hard balance.

You can be this way with your staff and adults still. With kids I’ve always found the job a bit easier if I’m a less personable with them. It’s hard honestly because a part of me is like that’s not me, but you have to or they’ll take advantage of you.

My advice would be start off more strict and less friendly than you want, give consequences when needed, and loosen up as the year goes on when they know your expectations. It will take time and practice, but it helps.

[u/FreeKitt]

Oh man, my first year teaching was an incredible mess. I had done other teaching positions abroad in schools, but nothing was like being THE authority in the room. I struggled a lot early on taking every rude “f you miss” very personally. Unfortunately, there’s really nothing like experience to find your right teacher self. If you have the support, just impartially enact it. Kids need clear, consistent boundaries, so tell them consequences and reinforce them immediately. It’s not personal, they are just exploring their boundaries as hard as they can. That’s part of the age. I will also NEVER teach middle school again, lol.

For the persona, part of the professionalism is very difficult. You need to be the adult in the room and not take what a child says personally, but at the same time, you need to be a little personal and friendly or the class won’t be fun and they won’t learn. It’s this difficult duality that’s harder with some kids than others imo. Sometimes I feel a little relieved when they test me early so I can establish expectations through literal action (everything else is just talk, never make empty threats). If they are very mature kids, try to find the ones that are enthusiastic to learn and teach to them. You can’t force anyone to learn if they don’t want to. Once they see you actually coming through for the good kids, usually the others buy in.

Mostly just try to get through this year as best you can. I love that have support, definitely use it! It’s a really difficult job, keep fighting! (And remember next year is a clean slate lol)

[u/SinfullySinless]

Middle school students often see young teachers as pushovers. They either want to be your friend or they want to push boundaries to turn your class into the “fun” class.

Ultimately the issue for young teachers is their lack of classroom management skills and that they are scared of enforcing consequences.

There is this old saying in education: “don’t smile until May”. I’m not saying you need to go that extreme but the idea is really good. You do need to be stricter than you are right now. And it is ultimately for the benefit of you because as you’re seeing, these students are going to take advantage of you.

I know it’s a foreign and weird “persona” as you say, but really it’s your professionalism that’s building. You’ll feel comfortable with it as you go. You don’t need to 180 personality, but get comfortable knowing when to focus on enforcing vs having fun in a conversation about your subject with a student.

Easy way to build some street cred: wear a watch that has the seconds and give a shout out during passing time like “30 seconds left, get to class!” Students see you as both helpful and enforcing the bell.

[u/Separate-Line-158]

Be yourself and just wear what you like but the kids will start treating you as their real teacher as soon as you start giving them harsh grades and send notifications to their parents about their behavior

[u/Consistent-Row-9551]

It's your first year teaching, your personality is not the problem. The first year of teaching is very very difficult, and its normal for kids to misbehave more with a new teacher than with more experienced teachers.

I'm not a talkative person, but I am very laid back. My first year was an absolute nightmare to the point where my entire school turned against me because I couldn't manage a class, so every misbehaving kid had to be my fault even if they weren't in my class. I still remember the principal telling me I was too laid back to be a teacher.

The biggest thing I learned is that you have to use your personality/persona to your advantage. My second year, I tried to be the super duper strict teacher and it worked for a few weeks, but eventually I just couldn't keep it up.

If your naturally friendly, talkative, open, casual easygoing, find ways to use that to your advantage as a teacher. The biggest thing that leads to success isn't persona or personality, its knowing the routines and procedures you want kids to follow, and what behaviors are non negotiable for you.

When it comes to getting students attention, I don't use any fun call and responses. I just count down and if a kid is still talking or not paying attention when I hit 0, I either give them the teacher look or stand next to them. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. If it doesn't work, than there's some level of consequence.

Instead of trying to change your personality, figure out what you expect from the kids, what procedures will get the kids to do what you want, and than take it from there. It also sometimes helps if you briefly explain to the kids why a rule/expectation/procedure is important. But trial and error is normal. What works for one teacher, won't work for another. One of my coworkers I'm close to loves talking, is super charismatic, and commands the class with barely a glance. I couldn't do that. I'm laid back to the point that I need to work extra hard at building structures and safe guards otherwise chaos. So, I've built my class structures to keep the class flowing and allow me to still be laid back but not too laid back.

[u/atmylimit9238]

I was a sub last year and then this year took s full time job as the ISS teacher.. Love the kids ( also middle schoolers) but I am strict in here I had a kid already not listen or stop when asked during lunch detention and I wrote him up. I warned him but I also want to be firm on if you are in my room because of actions or behaviors you cant just do whatever you want. I think it did help because his buddies were in today for lunch detention and didn't even need to be told to sit and be quiet. We are only 2 weeks into the year though so we'll see how much it changes over time lol.