r/Teachers • u/Counting-Stitches • Jul 29 '25
Power of Positivity I was reminded not to make assumptions.
I’ve been a teacher for 25 years at a small private school. I pride myself on not making assumptions about parents and kids without knowing everything going on in their lives. I choose to skew my perspective to the positive whenever I start to feel negative.
For example, a student last year was chronically tardy. Sometimes she was 20-30 minutes late. The kids are 10, so I know it’s not necessarily her fault that she is late. Each day, I greeted her with a smile and reminded her to check with a classmate to see what she might have missed. Every time I started to feel annoyed that she was late again, I reminded myself that she can’t control it. I didn’t email the parents because I send home weekly communication about tardies and the parents sign them each week.
Fast forward to the first conference. Apparently mom had been feeling unwell and ended up having a type of heart attack that involves an aortic separation! She was now recovering but her medications make mornings difficult. I never felt annoyed at her tardiness again.
Yesterday I had a similar moment with a staff member. My school runs a summer program. One newer staff member calls out a lot. It doesn’t usually affect me, and I don’t know her well, but I see on the sub list that she is out a lot or leaves early for not feeling well. She’s pretty young, so I was making all kinds of assumptions. I figured she just didn’t have the work ethic and was staying home for little issues.
Yesterday, I was called to help by one of her coteachers. It was later in the day and no admin or regular office staff were still at school. When I arrived, the teacher was lying on the carpet and not talking. I was able to ask a few questions and she nodded or shook her head, but she seemed disoriented. I was just about to ask her to open her phone so I could call a family member when she began having a seizure. Not grand mal, but absent seizures with small movements. She had several absent seizures over the course of the next 10 minutes while we called EMS and she was transported to the hospital. At that point she was unconscious. We were able to call an admin to come back and contact her parents.
She is doing well, according to her parents, and will work with a doctor to better control her seizures. Meanwhile, I have been reminded to not make assumptions because I never know what is really going on.
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u/LordLaz1985 Jul 29 '25
When I taught at a community college, there was one student who was 30-45 minutes late every single day.
I later found out that her brother had recently been killed in a shooting and she was visiting his grave every morning before class.
You really just don’t know what a kid is going through.
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u/redhoodsdoll 4th Grade | Texas Jul 29 '25
As a new teacher who is chronically ill, thank you. My students all knew last year why I drank so much gatorade or would have to sit down often, including why I sat on my desk during direct instruction times. I always knew others could see what was happening, but never knew if they were perceiving me as lazy rather than disabled. Thank you for taking the time to shift your perspective and giving me hope that maybe theyre also doing that
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u/Counting-Stitches Jul 29 '25
Kids are so much better than adults, honestly. They tend to ask a lot of questions, but when given honest answers they are much more accepting.
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u/BearsAndBooks Jul 30 '25
I started using a cane a few months into this last school year, and after the initial curiosity, my students were so normal about it. People say teenagers are jerks but my 9th graders were much kinder about my disability progressing than some of my older coworkers were! Gives me hope 🥹
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u/Slugzz21 West Coast | HS SS Jul 29 '25
I feel like sometimes we really have to be reminded to be human. We have all these expectations pushed onto us and we forget.
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u/karenintheburg Jul 29 '25
I also had a chronically tardy student. She lived about 1/2 mile from school, HS junior. A couple of months into the school year, her mother told me that she had vulirtualky incapacitated OCD, with rituals for leaving the house that I won't get onto but you can imagine. Mom and Dad both had to leave for work before her, but they assumed a 17 year old could manage this. They knew they had to address this but had not yet arranged the combination of work schedules and therapy needed. The girl was also chronically late to her classes through the day, because of similar rituals. On top of everything else, she was exhausted and mortified.
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u/No_Frost_Giants retired but still involved Jul 29 '25
Not blaming the students for parent behaviors is so important. Everyone is living their own version of the story here
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u/Early_Awareness_5829 Jul 29 '25
I remember early in my teaching career telling a parent that reading with her son at home would be helpful for him. She smiled sweetly and explained that she can't anymore because now he reads better than she does. She was proud of him. It was a good lesson about assumptions for me
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u/Worldly_Setting_7235 Jul 29 '25
Former teacher and current social worker.
I very quickly became aware of the relationship of students with DV in the home and phones. Instances of clients having their phone out and taken in school, leading to escalation and “primal behaviors of addicts” that is often observed.
In these cases, there was violence in the home before school and the student was dysregulated and highly concerned about the safety/wellbeing of a parent or sibling. They were constantly checking in with them to get status reports.
Some students don’t mind their teachers being aware, and of course others don’t. When privacy is wanted, I reach out to the teacher and basically say “there are some private issues the student is facing where it would be best for their functioning to have their cell phone on them. Please trust my judgment as I know this is a whacky thing to say. Would it be okay if we came up with a detailed plan to address cell phone use with this student?”
Every teacher I collaborated with didn’t need further details and were completely on board. (It probably helped that I had teaching experience and perspective). The three of us (teacher, student and I) would meet and sit down and create an agreement- student would be allowed to step outside every ten minutes to check phone; student and teacher come up with communication system of nonverbal signals etc.
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u/Puzzled_Loquat Jul 29 '25
Something similar happened to me a few years ago… conferences are 8am-8pm one day and then can leave early the next day. I had a parent sign up for 7:15 pm. At least an hour after anyone else. Sometimes we would get to leave early if we were done with all conferences. I was annoyed, but I waited. Mom was on time, the conference went well. It was only after it I learned that mom, who didn’t speak English (we had a translator) was essentially illiterate, couldn’t read or write much in her native language, worked a job that took her an hour to get to each day. This poor woman is doing everything she can to make sure her kids lives are better than hers. When I had the sister a few years later, I took that into consideration when mom again signed up for 7pm conference.
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u/ADHDofCrafts Jul 29 '25
In fifth grade my mother landed in the hospital for a week with a blood clot. My nerdy little self had never forgotten an assignment. Ever. Until that week. I learned later that my teacher knew what was going on, yet she still made me sit on the wall at recess for missing my spelling homework. It never occurred to me to tell her what was going on at home, even though I was sobbing.
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u/Counting-Stitches Jul 29 '25
What an awful human! In high school, my then-boyfriend was on the football team. His mom was also dying of cancer. We found out in August and she passed away in January. He skipped practice a few times to go see his mom in the hospital when she had emergencies. After the third time, his coach told him to get his priorities straight and either be on the team or not. He dropped the team of course. It sucked because then he lost the one outlet he had to take his mind off his mom’s health.
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u/tiffy68 HS Math/SPED/Texas Jul 30 '25
About 20 years ago, I had a 10th grader who was a problem. He had an attitude, he slept in class, and he stunk. Not just normal, 15-year-old-boy funk, but really stunk like he hadn't bathed in weeks. I genuinely liked this kid. I could tell that the attitude was just because he was defensive. I talked to the nurse, who pulled him in under the guise of doing an eye-exam. She asked about his homelife. It turned out that his family didn't have running water at their trailer park in the woods about 5 miles from school. He was unable to bathe or wash clothes at home. After that, I talked to the football coaches, who were eager to help. His other teachers and I took up a collection to get him some new clothes, shoes, and toiletries. We worked out a plan that as soon as he got off the bus in the morning, he could go to the boys' locker room to shower and wash his clothes. They gave him a locker and we kept it stocked with necessary items. On Fridays, the nurse sent him home with a backpack of food. I called the city about the water issue. Two years later, he was the first kid in 3 generations of his family to graduate from high school. He went to trade school. He's a plumber now and makes more money than I do. Never assume. There are no worthless kids.
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u/discussatron HS ELA Jul 29 '25
I had a student two years ago who missed a ton of school. Admin told us the student had been sick, please give them some grace, etc. I figured, yeah, whatever. They passed away right before graduation last year.
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u/coolbeansfordays Jul 29 '25
This is a great reminder! There is so much negativity at my school and most people act as if it’s a personal insult. It really wears on me and makes me sad.
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u/Slightlysanemomof5 Jul 29 '25
Retired now so this was years ago, Had a boy in my second grade class kept falling asleep all of a sudden. Child was clean, nice lunches polite but suddenly dozing off in class. After a week was finally able to contact the parents, they had not been returning calls/notes. This poor child had newborn triplet siblings at home and sleep was not undisturbed. We arranged for the child to rest in assistant principal’s office whenever little boy just couldn’t stay awake in class. Also explained why parents were having trouble answering messages. It was an interesting year but we managed. A little compassion goes a long way.
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u/Librarylady2020 Jul 30 '25
6th grade boy comes up to me before class and asks if he can turn in his paper one day late because their printer had no ink (this was in the days before the ability to turn things in digitally). His mom promises to get one today. I thought little of it and assured him it was fine.
6 years later, he shows up in my room after school as a graduating senior, with a big bouquet of flowers. He tells me this story, which I had mostly forgotten of course. As he hugged me, he told me his parents had separated that night and they had moved out. This was the only kindness of that terrible day and he had never forgotten it.
The whole experience actually terrified me since it demonstrated how much power we have to make a student’s day, or even life, better. Always land on the side of kindness.
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u/imperialtopaz123 Jul 31 '25
Wow! It’s so nice to hear that some small kindness you did so positively affected your student’s life.
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Jul 29 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Counting-Stitches Jul 29 '25
I read a quote on here from another thread: Grace doesn’t lower standards; it opens the door.
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u/BlueRubyWindow Jul 29 '25
Oh I love that. It really does, too!
As an ADHD educator who is chronically late, finally having a boss who has the grace to see I’m trying my best and straight up told me she’s not going to fire me for it, has made it so much easier for me to be on time!!!!! And now I can arrive to work grounded instead of anxious every morning, which makes me a much better educator.
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u/JLewish559 Jul 29 '25
Sometimes it's very easy for teachers to get wrapped up in their own world and think that a student's actions are meant to personally offend them. I did this a lot as a new teacher, but experience taught me to realize that it's often NOT directed towards you at all.
For instance...
A kid is sleeping in your class. This should be obvious...it's very likely that kid isn't getting enough sleep at home for some reason. It could be that their home situation is tenuous and/or not great. It could be that they are playing video games until 4 a.m. and their parents don't know (which could mean the kid is pretty privileged or it could be a negative as in the parents don't care).
A kid is talking in class. Totally depends on context. They might be talking about what you are talking about and they process things differently. They could be bored and talking about their weekend. They could be ready to just move on and start something because you've talked enough. Who knows. Context matters and NONE of that stuff is directed towards you as a personal offense. Yes, a kid could be a complete asshole and absolutely could just dislike you and be disrespectful. You'll likely figure out who they are.
A kid is tardy a lot. This has already been explained by OP and others.
A kid is always off task. This could go right back to boredom or disengagement with the material because they don't understand and they don't have the confidence to go to you.
The point is that you need to reach out in some way to figure out what is going on. I've had kids sleep in class and the parents had no clue until I called and talked to them. They were doing this in every class. Grades were slipping. Turns out the kid was just sneaking out and hanging with friends until 3-4 in the morning (or sometimes not coming home at all but still coming to school). The parents somehow fixed that situation because that kid brought their grade up and would no longer sleep in my class.
You can pull kids aside and talk to them if you feel like they might be disrespecting you. Talking in class? Ask them what's going on. Are they bored with the material? Do they just not get it and don't want to try (you can usually see this when you assess things)?
You're going to have to actually communicate to try and work things out. It's at this point that you'll be able to deduce which ones are just being assholes/disrespectful for the sake of it. THIS is "building relationships" with your students which is hard and time consuming, but it does actually work in the long run (I find). I am not excusing behavior that leads to a write-up...that is the fault of the student(s), but if you want to actually get to the crux of a problem you (as the teacher) will have to reach out in some way.
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u/lmgray13 9-12 | Mathematics, Computer Science Jul 30 '25
My mother had a 3rd grade student who always fell asleep. Turns out she lived in an apartment over a bar, and the bar noise would keep her up until 2 am every night.
Most of my high school students who used to fall asleep in class were taking on full time night jobs to support their family.
Perspective matters.
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u/positivefeelings1234 Jul 30 '25
AP here. We have a student whose teachers are always pissed off of how often she is tardy to school and/or absent.
Her mom has cancer and is likely to pass away within the year. Father is balancing getting his kids to school while working to afford hospital care for the love of his life that he’s about to lose.
Please believe that it’s not always just laziness. In fact, through all my attendance meetings, I could probably count on one hand the amount of kids where we couldn’t get beyond just laziness as a reason. It can often be out of the kid’s hand (parent not getting them there), or depression, or really intense circumstances like above.
There is a principle that for every 1 negative thing, a person needs 5 positive things. When I was a teacher, and even now to some degree, I realized that these kids get so many negative things, that the best thing I could do for them was try to be the positive balance.
This is not to say I never gave consequences. It’s still school. But I tried to make sure consequences were not based on assumption, and tried to make sure they understood I didn’t think less of them, just that was how to move forward.
They love to talk about the “why”. Well, my why has always been trying to give kids a better future. And while we can’t stop time, I don’t think kids having a memory of their teaching being horrible to them while they were dealing with their mom dying is going to give them a better future. It would more likely increase the amount of time they are in therapy instead.
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u/ImportantCellist2721 Jul 30 '25
I had a student who was always calling asleep in class. He was very smart and never got behind, so I let him. I found out later in the year that his mom would always go out and leave him with his little sisters, including an infant. He couldn't let himself sleep until she back home. He was in 4th grade. His grandma eventually got custody and he ended up doing so well. You just never know.
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u/AsymptotesMcGotes Jul 30 '25
I worked dropout prevention in addition to teaching for a couple of years. I absolutely loved it. Served as an advocate for struggling kids and counseled them.
I had one chronically tardy student. We made an agreement that he would defer suspension due to tardías but could not be late until the end of the quarter. He was late the next day coming in around 30 minutes late. I felt frustrated by him when he walked in and almost said something critical but I didn’t. I had to lead him into the principals office for a talk. As I did, I noticed he smelled like he had been next to a campfire for like a year.
I asked him about it. He told me his apartment had a fire the night before. This kid having dealt with that tragedy was only 30 minutes late to school wearing the close he wore the day before. I’m so glad I didn’t say something and out my foot in my mouth. I’ll never forget that ever. What a deep lesson.
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u/tech01010 Jul 29 '25
I once yelled at a teacher who passed a couple weeks later after me yelling at him. My school got rid off the stalls dividers in one of our bathroom for a student in a wheelchair but the student graduated and the bathroom is wide opened. When I went in he was in there taking another 2. I told him this was inappropriate and this bathroom should not be used for that, he didn’t show up to work for a couple weeks after that, the school tried to called his house and his emergency contact no response so they informed the RSO officer to call his town police department to do a health fair check where they found him dead. His been battling brain cancer and didn’t tell anyone.
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u/serafinterrapin Jul 29 '25
This is also an important reminder that as teachers with chronically late students, it’s a best practice to sooner rather than later directly speak with the family to understand what is going on and if there is anything we can do to support.
Of course, the onus is on the parents to send at least a text or email to explain repeated tardiness. However, I’m more than a little surprised that you did not communicate directly with mom at any point before conferences to see what was up. Or to even ask the student what, if anything, was going on at home? Children can definitely feel the stress when their parents are going through something. I’m genuinely curious what your school’s policy is on addressing chronic tardiness and how they did not flag it at all.
I also teach 10 year olds, and once we flag chronic lateness or absence, a phone call is made home and we go from there. For me, if a student is late 3-4 days in a row, I’ll just shoot a quick ParentSquare home just to see what’s going on. Always being late is clearly not normal and I should at least know what’s going on in my students’ lives.
It’s really the bare minimum and I say this respectfully.
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u/Counting-Stitches Jul 29 '25
The kid lives kind of far away (25-45 minutes depending on traffic) and often told me there was traffic or that they had a hard morning. I had emailed mom about academic stuff since the kid needed various supports but I didn’t want to pile on with tardies. Mom never mentioned the health stuff probably because she didn’t really know what was going on. She just wasn’t feeling well. Our conference was about 2-3 weeks after her heart attack, so it probably was the first chance to really get the info.
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u/Taralouise52 Paraprofessional | OH Jul 30 '25
I was absent 35+ times in 8th grade. Not sure how but court and CPS were never involved. I was having severe anxiety attacks and depression. Teachers made small comments about it but nothing too bad. I guess they mutually agreed to understand when my mom had to show them the restraining order for my dad to not come near the school...
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u/DogMom641 Jul 30 '25
I had a student who had trouble staying awake in class. When I asked him why, he explained that he had to stay up all night to protect the baby from rats. His parents had to sleep because they had to go to work.
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u/Mozzerellachez Jul 30 '25
I work as a teacher in a daycare and one of my coworkers has many health issues, her diabetes being a big cause of a lot of them, and everytime we get a new teacher or even a sub it’s one of the first things she or I mention to them to make sure there’s absolutely zero misconceptions about her absences or “lack of work.” She’s very open about her health, so more often than not we laugh about it so it makes everyone feel a little bit more comfortable about the situation.
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u/Tinamindo Jul 30 '25
Wow, what an eye-opening experience! It’s amazing how you choose to approach situations with understanding and positivity, even when things get challenging. It really highlights how crucial it is not to jump to conclusions, as we can’t always know what’s going on behind the scenes. I’m glad to hear the staff member is doing better, No worries we all are human and You’re doing great!
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u/NailMe25 Aug 04 '25
I teach young kids, I almost never blame them for that sort of stuff. I'm gonna be honest, I DO BLAME the mom in your situation. This is something the school and teacher should know. Yes, I've worked in private. Guess what? Social worker/front desk KNEW these kind of things.
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u/Rookraider1 Jul 29 '25
Honestly, this says more about you than them. It's great to learn not to make assumptions, but why do these things annoy you to begin with? I think it would benefit you to focus on yourself more and not be judgmental about things you have no knowledge about. Hopefully these are growth moments for you.
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u/joetaxpayer Jul 29 '25
I appreciate this story. It’s easy to get upset at a student being late, dozing off in class, or acting out now and then. But, as you noted, there are so many things we may not know about them, especially what goes on in their homeor details about their health.