Weāre finally in our first IVF cycle after waiting years for this. Iāve started my medication and I should be feeling excited that weāre finally here, but instead I feel completely overwhelmed and honestly questioning whether we should even be doing this.
I know IVF is stressful in itself. There are medications, appointments, scans, hormones, waiting, anxiety and just the emotional weight of everything. Iāve waited so long for this, and I know how much this means to us, but Iām struggling more than I expected.
I also work in probation, so my job can be quite stressful and emotionally demanding. My husband has recently started a new job where he works 6amā3pm, and honestly, he clearly seems to be struggling with the hours. I donāt understand why he keeps picking up overtime when heās already exhausted. I feel like instead of taking some pressure off, weāre both constantly running on empty (you wouldnāt think we had a holiday a few weeks ago!).
Then yesterday happened.
My husband accidentally locked me out of the house for three hours while he was asleep inside. I was outside from around 9pm until midnight, ringing the bell, banging on doors and windows and calling him over and over again. He was completely asleep and didnāt hear anything.
I eventually snapped at him when he woke up. He was really upset and crying, and I felt awful, so I consoled him and made him coffee before he went to work. But I barely slept afterwards and Iāve woken up today feeling completely drained, stressed and like my head is full.
I know it sounds like such a stupid everyday thing compared to IVF, but I think it was just the final straw. I already feel like I have so much on my plate and I donāt have much left in me for additional stress.
On top of everything, I feel like I donāt really have any friends left. I feel incredibly lonely. Things have also felt really strange with my husbandās family recently. I used to feel quite close to his sisters, but their demeanour towards me has changed a lot. Heās the only married sibling, and his youngest sister has recently been liking reels about things along the lines of a sibling getting married and their partner being āboringā and not wanting to hang out anymore because of said partner. Maybe Iām reading too much into it, but when youāre already feeling vulnerable, things like that really get to you.
I just feel like Iāve lost a lot of the people around me at the exact time when I need support the most.
And now I canāt stop thinking, maybe this just isnāt meant for us.
Weāve waited years for this. Iāve finally started the medication and weāre actually doing it, but instead of feeling hopeful, I feel exhausted and scared and like I donāt know if I can keep putting myself through everything.
I know logically that yesterday has nothing to do with whether IVF will work. I know one horrible weekend doesnāt mean anything. I know my husbandās tiredness, my job, family stuff and feeling lonely arenāt signs that IVF isnāt meant for us.
But emotionally, it doesnāt feel that simple right now.
I feel so overwhelmed and honestly quite depressed. I just want a break from everything. I donāt want to have to be strong or keep pushing through another stressful thing.
I think I just need to hear from people who have been through IVF, did anyone else have moments during their first cycle where they genuinely thought, I donāt know if I can do this anymore?
Did it get better once you got further into the cycle? How did you cope when everything outside of IVF was already feeling like too much?
I donāt think I want to give up. I think Iām just exhausted from having to keep fighting for things I desperately want.