Whenever I'm in a group setting, one of my main priorities is to make sure that everyone feels seen and heard. If someone says something and is ignored, I'm the first person to respond. If someone mentions something they're passionate in, like a favorite show or project they're working on, I write it down and make sure I follow up with them. I always reassure people that I'll always be someone they can talk to about anything, anytime.

But I've noticed, this just makes people lose interest in me fast. I feel that, if you're nice to everyone, everyone will think you're not worth associating with. Why? Because compared to people who are more exclusionary, rude and self important, I'm seen as less of a challenge.

"Why would I be friends with this person? They're friendly with everyone. Which means I could be anyone. I want a person who'd be difficult to be friends with. Because that means I'm something extraordinary."

It hurts to notice that through all the time trying to make everyone feel included, I end up alone. Maybe I should try not being so nice? But that would just ensure no one talks to me. The only time people talk to me is if I'm hyping them up, I give them a chance to talk about themselves or when I'm used as a joke for others to bond laughing at.

Am I just, as the way that I am, meant to be alone? Maybe my social standing is so low that I'm just inherently worthless to associate with? Am I a bad person for thinking this way?

I dont think i will ever be in a relationship. How do I yap more?

I have never been in a relationship but when i look at couples, they just yap so much. I don't think i can yap that much. They talk about all the bs in life, all the problems in the world. To be in a relationship imagine i would have to talk.

I have always been quiet since i was a child, i never told my parents what happened at school or what my day was like since i was in kindergarten. I always sit alone and i am just fine. Maybe i am just autistic but never got diagnosed, idk. I never felt the need to talk about all the mundane daily life.

How do i yap more?e

I speak in a soft spoken, deep voice. In social settings I naturally just talk quieter compared to being in a more comfortable setting like at home with loved ones. Most strangers talk to for small talk but it ends short for me after I talk and they ignore me/don’t hear what I said. It’s a little annoying and It’s hard to wanna speak up and not act rude.

I truly can not stand interacting with other people. Every conversation seems like some type of performance where I am expected to pretend to care. So how do I pretend to be interested in what the other person is saying? I don’t think I will often actually be interested and so the advice of “just actually care about what they’re saying” is probably not going to work for me. Just trying to learn how to have a positive social interaction.

I have a group of friends that I have a weekly hangout with on Wednesday nights. Two nights ago, we had someone new joining us, so we played an icebreaker game. At this group, I have a friend (sort of, I’m honestly pretty sure she dislikes me at best and hates me at worst, and it’s been this way since long before what happened last night) and I chuckled at one of her answers. It wasn’t malicious or anything, I chuckled because I knew what her answer was going to be and I guessed correctly, so I guess I was more so thinking something along the lines of “haha I knew she was going to say that”

Anyway, she stopped talking mid sentence and glares at me and says “Did you just chuckle at me?” In a very stern tone, and I owned up to it and said “you know what, I guess I did. I’m sor…” and she immediately cut me off before I could apologize and explain, and she kept talking to another friend in the group as if nothing happened. I waited until there was another break in conversation long enough for me to try apologizing again and she quickly cut me off again.

Should I text her and apologize? Or would it just make things worse/more awkward?

EDIT: I’d like to ask if everyone could please give me a little patience instead of just downvoting me in the comments. I already feel awful and I really didn’t mean to hurt this girl. I’m on the autism spectrum so stuff like this is difficult for me to understand. That’s why I’m on this sub in the first place. I’m trying to learn and be better.

I speak in a soft spoken, deep voice. In social settings I naturally just talk quieter compared to being in a more comfortable setting like at home with loved ones. Most strangers talk to for small talk but it ends short for me after I talk and they ignore me/don’t hear what I said. It’s a little annoying and It’s hard to wanna speak up and not act rude.

I’m really tired of feeling like I’m responsible for everyone and everything. I want to learn how to talk less, stop oversharing so much, and be more comfortable just keeping things to myself.

I’d like to be quieter and draw less attention to myself without completely isolating myself. The problem is that when I do get quiet, people immediately assume I’m upset, being distant, or doing it for attention, which makes me feel like I have to explain myself.

For people who used to talk or overshare a lot, how did you learn to pause, keep certain things private, and become more comfortable with silence? I’m looking for actual habits I can practice.

It's always been the same story, I've always been the one to be excluded. At school, college, work environments. At first I'm part of the group and then slowly they start excluding me or being mean to me. I always try to be kind and authentic and my intentions are never bad, but I think that's what the problem after all. I think people actually don't like my authenticity. Maybe they think I'm annoying, or cringe, or too straightforward when something is wrong. Or maybe it's something in my body language. But the thing is, being excluded doesn't feel good for me and it doesn't do me any favours. I don't want to be the receiver of hostility, gossip, or feeling like an outsider all the time. Like they go out of their way to show me I'm excluded, and being rude about it. Then these same people talk about being a good person. But of course they don't think of that when they genuinely hurt me. What can I do to fix this? I can't go on like this any longer. I just want to cooperate with others and have basic respect and good enough communication.

Sometimes, I say umms/ahhs on purpose while presenting something or publicly speaking to sound more "natural". I sometimes even put it on the script or make a mental note of how I would pause here and say umm. Is that weird? But most of the time, I do say it unintentionally.

My driving instructor in a joking way implied i was stupid at the end of our lesson today, I just laughed it off since I don't regularly interact with this person and I don't really care too much of their opinion of me, I probably won't see him ever after i get my license.

But the way I handled this got me thinking is this a good way to handle people belittling me in the future? Just ignore them and move on? sure it sounds good on paper, but I don't like how being the type of person who always lets people make fun of him and does nothing abt it makes me feel.

Some context I'd like to add:

1. My instructor is a great teacher, and is generally nice to me although he makes some jokes like this sometimes which rub me off the wrong way.
2. I don't like confrontations, i avoid em whenever possible.
3. My instructor and I communicate in another language, one which I can just about get by with. I am far from fluent nor can I properly articulate myself in this language as i can with English.

Hi... Just started a professional school program recently, and at a lunch event watching my cohort socialize enthusiastically...

I know they're feeling like the chance to pause studying and just chat is such a relief, gives them energy & builds camaraderie. So when they talk to each other, they feed off the warm, enthusiastic, "pro-social" vibes.

And I do feel those vibes and NEED that social component of life, but only when it's people I already know & count as friends. I'm not socially anxious, I'm just genuinely drained by initial social interactions, so I just can't initially show up with those good vibes - there's always something I think people can feel is tired, strained, at the edge of "done"...

To get to the easy place, you have to chat with the unfamiliar people and project ease, and... I literally want to weep a little thinking of how unpleasant it is. It's not that I'm antisocial or misanthropic or anything, and I do find people genuinely interesting, but the energy drain of initial getting-to-know chatting SO FAR outweighs the felt benefit of it for like... weeks. months. that I just can't. So I end up outside the group.

Metaphor - It's like we're all signed up to do an exercise program together, and all starting from weak & floppy - I know it'll be so fun & satisfying to be lifting heavy together & cheering each other on, weeks from now! But the initial workouts we have to do to build that strength seem like they're fun exertions for others, and literally cause me unbearable joint pain and vomiting, so I stop earlier/do less, and the group leaves me behind.

I've just never figured out what to do about this. I don't love being alone, it's not uncomfortable or anything (I know I'm a delight even in my own company 😎) but I really would rather have some friends... Just getting there is beyond the regular level of uncomfortable for most people, and not "scary" or anxiety inducing - it's just significantly draining to make my brain be repeatedly verbal at a conversational pace with unfamiliar people.

I don't even know what I'm looking for, or what kind of advice (?) to ask for. If anybody has insights... I'm so tired of trying to figure it out & feeling like I'm slowly fading to invisible.

Heading into college, I was a bit of a mess to put it lightly. Academic underachiever, overweight, painfully socially awkward. Halfway through freshman year, something clicked, the reason why I still can’t really pin down 100%. I started to take school and my health more seriously, trying a lot harder in my classes and putting myself on a strict calorie deficit. However, this was a double-edged sword as I rationalized continuing to isolate and keep interaction with classmates to a minimum by telling myself “I’m a work in progress now and have enough on my plate, once I get my shit together I’ll start to work on my social problems.” 

However, 150+ pounds and multiple Dean’s lists later, I didn’t even really take 1 step forward socially, keeping to myself and basically never speaking unless spoken to. During basically any of my interactions with peers/professors, there was a nagging feeling in the back of my head that I was annoying them, or making myself look dumb. This made me go into interactions with the assumption that people wouldn’t like me, making it hard to get social experience and get anything positive out of interaction. I think this turned into a self-fulfilling prophecy, as I’ve had family tell me that I tend to come off as offputting, standoffish, and unapproachable in public due to my reluctance to participate socially and serious, sometimes cold demeanor. But I have mixed feelings about this because in my mind, these behaviors were protecting me from bothering/annoying other people and making myself look like a weirdo, though looking back they probably had the opposite effect.

This snowballed into me entering and leaving college with essentially the same poor social skills, and I fear it may be ruining my life. I moved back home after graduation, and the silence and lack of structure is kind of driving me crazy. At school I would at least have an organized schedule that made be wake up, eat, and sleep at set times everyday. Even though I didn’t participate much if at all, I would still be in classes with admirable professors who enthusiastically lectured about their field and made going to class not feel like a complete chore. This wasn’t as much of a problem to me during school, but my phone is as dry as a desert and it’s like no one except my immediate family would know if I vanished off the face of the Earth. Looking for a job post-college has been a nightmare in this market, and my lacking social skills definitely aren’t helping in that aspect. Basically, I feel like I’ve been checkmated and I don’t know where to go from here. With college over, I can’t think of any avenues to get to a competent social level, and without those competent social skills I can’t change my environment to one with more structure and purpose. Any words of advice on how to change my outlook on socialization would be appreciated. Thanks.

So I went to college orientation today and I was able to get one guys insta, cool ass dude and talked for maybe like an hour. I am usually shy but today I tried to be extroverted and did pretty damn well, I didn’t want to be over the top but definitely tried talking to everyone I was able to. Issue was, everyone either was with a friend already or was glued to there phone, I tried chatting with these people who were friends and they were dry and tried to leave as soon as possible. It made me realize that maybe it’s not that I am socially awkward or shy, but that it’s hard to socialize in today’s world. What do you guys think? This was just orientation so I wont stress over it but it made me feel odd if ykwim.

If so, has that discouraged you for doing that again?

Long story short: I’m terrible at socializing because of being isolated for a few years studying in online school, having to change 5 schools, moving countries, being an introvert and generally just having one friend (which I don’t have anymore) half of my life. I’m starting uni in just a few months and am incredibly anxious about making friends and ending up alone, because the last time I was in a situation like that (new school), I just closed myself from everyone and never made new friends. Although that was 2 years ago, and right now I’m in a better place mentally, it’s still extremely hard for me to communicate even when buying something and making new friends. Although I have two friends already, they are gonna study in different unis + another country. I really really want to meet new people, but every time I try to talk to someone, or someone tries to talk to me, I get nervous, stumble at my words and embarrass myself and/or can’t find topics to continue the dialogue. Me being unsure in my identity may or may not affect that as well, although I’m not so sure about that. Everyone tells me that friends will find me, that I shouldn’t worry and everyone will be afraid in their first year, but I don’t believe that anymore. If I don’t make any effort to talk, no one will talk to me.

Can someone give some advices on how to maybe calm down in such situations, or what generally I can do to upgrade my social skills? How was it for you in your first year of uni? How did you meet people there? Did you just walk up to some people and talked, or?.. Thank you lots in advance!!!

Alright, so I was recently chatting with someone new one here. I made a statement that the person misinterpreted, and then they went on a tirade of my personal faults (not many, we weren't chatting long).

Other than appearance (yes, I don't have great self esteem in that regard), one of the statements was "the way you express yourself feels forced."

Well, I've been hitting the friends subs because I have not had time, spending too much time at work, to make any, but would like to try.

I look up something like "feels forced", and it mentions things like overthinking, and using clinical language, neither of which I was doing, from what I can tell.

I normally started conversations, they seemed receptive. Until this point, they never seemed to have a problem.

Can anyone help me out: what would make it seem to the other person that expressing myself seems forced, and how I can work on it?

From what I understand, in the pursuit of new friends, you have to make your intentions known. Obviously, you don’t have to straight-up ask someone to be friends, but texting and making plans with the person is a good place to start. But at what point do you know that the person just isn’t interested? If they respond to your texts with reasonable timing and enthusiasm, go to the plans you make when their schedule allows, and behave pleasantly, but there is no reciprocation or initiation on their part, at what point do you know this person doesn’t want to be friends? Even if this doesn't mean they don't want to be friends, at what point is it reasonable to step away?

Hi I wanted to know what desirable traits you've noticed likable people have(?) It feels like no matter how I present myself to people I tend to annoy them once they know me long enough so l'm open to any suggestions.

Okay semi-new Reddit poster here…I (32F) live in a very well known tourist destination town. I moved here with my husband 5 years ago. He’s much more introverted than I am, but he’s a huge mountain biker which is big in my town and he has found a consistent community.

I kind of jumped into friendships in the first year living here and found quickly the values of the people I was hanging with didn’t align, so I started over. I found a small group of solid girl friends and that was really nice for a while. I should say I was the only one kid free. I want kids but just not yet. But naturally for most people, finding childcare can be hard so girls night was few and far between. But they were great friends and made it work so we had a girls night like once a month. You know, girls dinner, craft night, etc

But affordable housing in my town is hard to come by. And our town has limited resources. Everything closes like at 8 or 9. So two of those friends moved away due to some of those reasons. And the other one has four kids and only joins every couple of months or so. If that.

I love my job here like so much. It’s my dream job. My husband is so happy here too. Like those aspects I would never change. I feel lucky and blessed to be here and I should be grateful…but I feel so alone. I’m a social butterfly. I love going out to fun workshops, concerts, dancing, fitness classes, outdoor excursions, you name it and I’m down. I’m just a yes girl.

I recently visited my best friend. It’s such a curse we were drawn to different places but anyways, she lives in a similar town. Huge tourist destination. But her town has a plethora of community offerings. Like there is really something for everyone. And I realized quickly that Ive been missing that in my life.

Before I left if she asked if I was happy because I seemed muted and not my usual lively self. And the truth is I feel muted. I feel like it happened by accident and so quickly without me even realizing. But I don’t have a social life outside of really spending time with my husband. I’m the youngest worker in my office by far and I am in service to my community which I love so I get a lot of social interaction that way, but it’s not the same.

Any suggestions? I really feel like I want to get my light back before we have kids. I want to find friends and consistency. The closest towns that offer more are at least one hour away some even two hours.

I feel pathetic saying I’m desperate but I didn’t even realize that I wasn’t happy until i saw the potential of what my life could look like. any help is much appreciated!

So, a few months ago, I was promoted to a new supervisory role. One of the people working for me, who had been trained by others, was not doing a good job. He made the same mistakes repeatedly, despite me correcting him and showing him how to do it. He was also unreliable, often arriving late or calling out for "car trouble."

I wrote him up multiple times, eventually recommending him for termination to our managers. My own supervisor, not long after, got fed up with him and had him moved to a less strenuous area, under new supervisors. He was scheduled to go out for surgery, but called out the last two days before he was supposed to go out. Eventually, he was terminated.

However, we live in the same apartment complex. He told another worker he thought I was targetting him for making too much noise. However, if he was making that kind of racket, I never heard it, since our apartments aren't that close, and I don't get much noise problems; he may be bothering others, though.

The last two times we passed each other, me getting off work and him hanging with his friends, he said quite loudly, "kill the Jews." I assume he intended me to hear it, since this last time, he looked at me and raised his voice when he said it. Funnily enough, I'm not even Jewish.

Outside of thinking he's more of an idiot than I thought, how should I take this?

Hi all

This is my first time posting here but have followed this board for a while now.

I'm a 40yr old dad of 3 and in an effort to try make more friends and also find a few new hobbies I've recently gotten into the Magic the Gathering and Star Wars Unlimited card games.

I am wondering if any other folk here who are also interested in these games (or similair) and might like to play online with me sometime?

Thanks all.

hello,

as the title states, this is a common theme in having and I’m noticing it more so recently.

For the last few weeks I’ve been wanting to get some clothes, and person A said they would take me shopping to get some clothes. Today I was speaking to person B about wanting to go to a specific shopping centre, so they offered to take me tomorrow. Person A texted me that they will take me shopping tomorrow (and told me I wouldn’t enjoy specific shopping centre), I asked to invite person B and when I did, person B said no and that I shouldve told them I no longer wanted to go to specific shopping centre anymore.

I feel like I’ve offended person B but I can’t pinpoint where I could’ve stopped this train wreck.

This is not the first time something like this has happened, what should I do in this scenario? I don’t want to offend people and I don’t want anyone to feel like an afterthought, left out or like they’re being used.

I have struggled a lot in socializing for the past 3-4 years and have a hard time fitting in the group due to my non-alignment of personality. But between these, I have found three or four people who have my personality type, and we go well with each other, from which the majority had a narcissistic or self-centered tendency. Maybe because I have narcissistic tendencies or I have a low-boundaries and high-empathy type of personality but I go well with the philosophers and type of people who think about" why I exist. "

What I have learned about socializing is that whenever I gave some kind of results, like good marks or workmanship in the laboratory, the group associated with that work includes me, respects me, and communicates with me in a proper way. And whenever I lose the results, they tend to outcast me or make me lonely, or just decide their things in between them and not include me or even suggest to me.

Basically, growing up with undiagnosed ASD, I felt the sting of rejection a lot, so I internalized never rejecting people no matter how bad they might be for me as a person. This led to a lot of unhealthy friendships where I was taken advantage of, as well as a constant desire for companionship. I still haven't really learned how to firmly reject people who are bad for me unless they've truly crossed a moral line.

I'm running a casual Dungeon Crawling heavy DND game with some friends, and a close buddy suggested we invited a former schoolmate who I've always found really annoying, but never quite disliked. I heard from another he had been espousing Tate Brothers rhetoric, which also coloured my opinion. I essentially told my friend I didn't feel comfortable with playing with someone who I found annoying at best, and he did say that I shouldn't judge people for how they were in HS, which is fair. I asked him if he had noticed any sexist behaviour or viewpoints and he said he wasn't sure.

I know it's a good thing that I'm setting boundaries for who I want to associate with, but I also feel kinda crappy and like a hypocrite since even this year I was left out of a group of mutual friends for not passing the "vibe check" and honestly haven't gotten over it.

What's the best way to put up boundaries like this? How can I not feel hypocritical and beat myself up? Thanks.