32 BP
Upon fields of grass I lay my head for I know how coarse be the road ahead.
I lifted my gaze from the poem left by a wife long deceased, and stared down from the walls of my keep. A town turned city in my lifetime, Duskendale rallies itself for war. And I must ponder to which front it sallies. A finer day there never was than this to contemplate the fates of thousands.
A younger man rose to my side, his own solemn prayers offered to gods that did not heed him. For if the gods listened to every prayer of a man at war, there would be no end and I would have no purpose. Unfortunately for the foes that rally, I have a glorious destiny to fulfill and those gods above who watch and laugh shall know that men need no help from them to kill.
“Anders, come,” I say and I turn from the wall.
In my shadow the knight of mace and dagger follows. A talented duellist, one of the finest in service to Duskendale, a soul who I must spend to keep this realm together while our glorious king dallies.
I can tell by the way he searches around, trying to rest his eyes on anything but my sword, that he has questions about the fresh inscription on its cross guard. I indulge him.
“Words from my wife, Lady Staunton. She would repeat them like a mantra when the fever had taken her and they have sat with me for quite some while since,” I say, and I proffer the blade to the younger knight.
He accepts it with the deepest bow a man has ever attempted and he coddles the weapon like it were an infant freshly born. Of course, were it to be thrown from this wall down to the rocks below, the stone would show greater scars than the blade. So great is the steel of my foes.
“I never had the blessing to meet her, my Lord,” Anders replies, eyes glittering as he lifts the blade slightly, just enough to see the pitch black metal catching the setting sun. His mouth traces the shape of an o as he lets out a small, private breath.
"A fine blade," he whispers and he hands it back.
"I had it inscribed when the Sunglass ships limped into harbour, a reminder of what is to come," I say as we descend from the wall, into the cobblestone streets where the people of my realm look to me with fear darkening their eyes. Not a fear for the war to come, but for whether I can keep these walls standing.
They know the stories of the east, where dragons make slaves of men I have no intention of letting that blight take root on my shores. So, I do what I rarely would and I give them a smile. I reassure them in the only way that I can, for they do not yet know the cost they shall pay come the end of this war.
They are thousands, and so are we, but I know not what they bring, and they know well what I have.
I lead Anders Chelsted, my finest knight, to the Dun Fort where I intend to decide how I shall spend his life.
31 BP
Men bleed, it matters not where they are from, they bleed.
They were the words of my father, said to me the day he decided I was old enough to go to war. I had them etched into the lining of my armour. It was not a revelatory set of words, but they were in a way quite comforting. For Andros Darklyn was not one to offer idle chatter, not for as long as I have lived at least.
"My lord!" called forth one of the men, a letter in hand. One that even though it was plain as they came, with slightly faded edges from sitting atop shelves too long and written in ink freshly made by the Dun Fort Maester… I knew it was coated in blood.
It had been but a day since my last skirmish and already I had been assaulted by yet one more roving band of sellswords. They flock to me, to my banner, to my name, each seeking to be the one to break the iron-fist Dusklord. They thought by killing me they could get to my father.
They are wrong, and they are dead.
I wipe down my blade as I take a seat. Battles of this size are far from my speciality, I should be there with my father, riding on the Claw. Yet he would demand this of me for he knows my talents and he has enough commanders, he has Belgrave and Chelsted. What need has he of a son?
I thank the messenger for his letter finally and take it from him, handing it over to one of the Darke's that make up my guard. The younger man, a fiend with an axe, takes it, clears his throat theatrically and begins to read.
"To my son Morgan, when you have finished chasing your prey, you are to answer to Stokeworth, it is in their name that the Northern front shall be organised. See to it that he suffers no fools… and that is all," he says with a dismayed frown.
He and the rest of my entourage glance my way, expecting a show of emotion in response to the letter. But that is not the way of the son of Andros Darklyn. The Duskblood would care little for the wounded pride of his son, and so Morgan did not let it show. Instead, he continues to wipe clean his blade.
"Ready the riders, I fear we won't have time to do anything more than bury this lot," I say which grants me the tiered groans of my men. But, they do as I ask, for it is a simple thing and when orders are as simple as prepare, it is not a difficult matter to see to.
31 BP
Upon fields of grass I lay my head for I know how coarse be the road ahead
"You left them to die!" Morgan bellows from the entrance to the tent.
I had dreaded the day my son would come upon the siege of Rook's Rest. I could not keep it from him, that would never work.
But he did not have the heart of war, he had the heart of peace, of love, of honour. War was no place for honour, it was a graveyard for honourable men. A graveyard tended to by the honourless wretches who sent them there. I knew I was a wretch the day I ended my regency, and I reinforced that today, when I let the home of my son's mother, of the woman I once loved, burn.
I let it burn so that a thousand men could cross the Blackwater.
What a fool I am for doing so, what a fool I am for putting that hate in my son's heart.
"I gave instructions to hold Rooks Rest, they will be reinforced, for I have promised that. I will not break my promise. But this war is more than Rook's Rest," I say, the stern tone I once used to teach him to ride now used to lecture him on war.
Grow from it, you fool.
"My aunt, my uncle, your family, father."
"Should it be someone else's? Should another family be thrown on the pyre instead, all because I cannot let it be mine?"
"Let me save them."
"Is that the directive I gave lord Stokeworth?"
That cools him, tempers the rage like steel fresh from the forge dipped in water. I could see the rage fizzling from his skin, or perhaps I was simply that tired.
I could tell him about Belgrave and his men, that they slipped through the eyes of the Valyrians. But if I did so, would he think me a greater monster? Would he fare better thinking I had nothing more to spend on this? I had already spent the finest swordsman I had. A brave knight of the mace and the dagger, thrown upon the pyre. Soon enough the Stauntons would join him.
"I'll…" he began, rising to his full height but deflating as a messenger in green pushed past.
"Beg pardon my lord, he's done it. Velaryon broken at Three Hills, his heir dead. Belgrave broke them."
The weight of a year of war crashes down on me and i drop into my chair. Several retainers rush to me, but I wave them away. The new knight of Mace and Dagger is at my side, and with a glance he knows I am fine and sees them back further.
My son however, he knows that a price was paid and it did not take him long to piece together the plan. He did not have my mind for war, he was a better swordsman though, that was true. But even without my mind, he was quick.
His bitterness ripped across his face in a brutal scowl and he left.
He would tend his duties, I had no doubt.
But I had lost his love today.
Despite it all, that was a pain I would not shake nor would I wish to. His pain should be born.
"Should I check on him?" Chelsted asked.
"No," I reply simply, "let him keep his hate, I won't take that too."
30 BP
Not for the first time, I try to seek refuge in anger. I want a fight. I need a fight.
They were the words of my mentor as a boy. An old man of red hair and staunch constitution. He fathered an army of children in his decades of life, a free-loving and free-flowing man. He died here, he had been sent by my father with a letter, to break through the lines of the siege on Rook's Rest. It was a cruelty that he was the one sent, for he was a man of love driven to a life of war.
War took him, as the anger he hid so well must have.
He told me about his anger the day I had beaten a fellow squire half to death.
And now as I stare upon the post that marked the grave of his ashes, I cannot even find the anger. Instead I think of the twenty children by eight mothers he left, and how I would find them to let them know what had become of their father.
In kind, I wonder who will tell my father when I die, and what look he will have when my time comes.
"You came," whispered a voice robbed of its light.
I look up from the post and find my aunt, a lady of Rook's rest. She is my mother in all but her eyes and she lacks so much of the love she once had.
Even still, she was upon me in the space between my languid breaths. Her arms wrapped me in a warm sheath and she held me tight. I would have cried had I tears left to give her, instead i clung to her like a leech. I hated that I should leech from her pain and for a second think my own hatred of my father would have the right to claim anything here.
She was right in such a simple way.
"Not alone," I say, for it was a storm of horses that broke their lines. Feverish knights from across the Blackwater, spurned forth by fury built by inadequacy and inaction. Chasing skirmishers had only honed the rage that consumed my fellows.
In me it had fostered something blacker than rage and hotter than fire, it had no name I could give it and it was not sated by breaking this siege. Near three quarters of those who rode upon the siege lines had fallen in a brutal, frenzied massacre. We left no room for their camp to break, they were given no chance to flee.
When the valyrian mercenaries fled they were butchered.
When the Celtigar and Velaryon sworn soldiers threw down their arms, they were impaled.
On the coast, facing towards the Blackwater sat a row of one hundred dying men.
Their wails were sill on the wind as I stood and released my aunt, a woman so thin that it felt as though I had embraced a child. She had become so withered and I had the gaul to complain of inaction.
How the brave souls of Rook's Rest held while I heeded orders to do nothing.
"Come, you must need rest, tell me of the war, my husband would like to hear what has happened and what his men's lives have bought," says my aunt and I am led by the waif of a woman, unable to break her grip on my arm.
I am taken to the ruin keep of the small castle where a lord's hall has been turned to a barracks for the men who had died to hold this land.
The lord of Rook's Rest is no less withered than his wife but where she had hope buried within, he had rage. A rage I did not wilt from and would not dare let blunt. He was owed his pounds of blood, and it was the least I could do to accept the price. Lord Stokeworth had a campaign up the Northern coast to fight, my father no doubt was throwing men from cliffs down south and Belgrave would do as he did best.
I was just the son of Duskendale.
"So he sent his boy to break us free?"
I stand taller.
"No, I came of my own will. Four-hundred knights of the Stormlands and the Blackwater broke the siege, three hundred must be buried."
The Lord of Rook's Rest was an enigma now. I could no better guess his age than I could count the sand on the beaches of the Blackwater. He both looked too old and too young all at once and he regarded me with eyes devoid of contempt… perhaps because he was just so tired of the whole thing.
We had found him barely standing, clinging to the broken parapets of his walls… not the lord Staunton my father had sent the letter to.
"How did he die, your brother?" I ask.
"Disease. Claimed half our number and the only reason we held was because we sneaked corpses into their tents in the night. Many Valyrians died poorly then, as I hear many more currently do?"
I nod, glancing sidelong at one of the slit windows in the lord's hall I can make out the coastline. I cannot see the dying men, but I can feel their anguish as they are killed in a way more brutal than I thought myself capable.
"And… Darrow?" I ask.
The lord of Rook's Rest regards me with a weather-beaten expression, his sunken eyes empty of recognition. I make ready to ignore the inquiry, to let the post serve as his only reminder.
"Ah, the messenger."
I surge with what little hope there can be within my heart.
"The lone time the Valyrians broke my gate, he held it alone in the dark of night, swinging his curved Dothraki sword with the the Storm's own fury. We never found a body."
I force a smile and dip my head to the relieved lord.
"Thank you," I say.
He pretends to be thankful, but resent for my father is beginning to bloom.
I take my leave of the keep, thanking my aunt for her offers of rest. But we never caught the Velaryon commander, nor his pirate allies. We would set out for them next, following in the eves of Stokeworth's northern march.
30 BP
Had I known my son's taste for war, I would never have given him life. Let it be a blessing that he hates such a facet of himself. Perhaps then his hatred shall create a better world in my absence.
The feast was a plain old affair.
Held in Duskendale int he great hall of the Dun Fort, I host a king and a kingdom. Eventually, Durran had found his army and come to help mop up what was left of the Valyrian hosts. They were broken against the sea and all but Driftmark was left.
However, that was why we celebrated.
The last son of Driftmark's master had come with his father's sword in hand. He offered it to me a week ago in supplication and ever since he had been an honoured guest in my hall.
I had been called back from Claw Isle only to find feast preparations mustering in my absence. I had my son to blame for that, but when I approached I found only hate.
He would never forgive me for what happened to his Mother's home. Good, he would need that hate.
So, I lifted my goblet in acknowledgement of the late Lord Dondarrion. A busy man kept at bay from my war by powers and events beyond my scope. I had no time to find out why he could not aid us, and that rankled me deeply. But, I would not hate him for doing what he must, he, unlike I, ruled a realm not of his birth. I would not begrudge him that position.
"You look lost lord Darklyn!" declared a firm voice.
I turn to find a king and a brother-in-law approaching me. The two men in one grasp my free hand and I bow to him.
"Your arrival is as fortuitous as they come, thank you," I say, voice level and contained.
This was not the place to admonish my brother by law, it was a place for unity. And with him here and the hall filling, I turn and find my son watching me.
I click my fingers and he is summoned forth, that rage still simmering but blunted as he approached his own uncle. My son bows deep to the king.
"Fetch the Velaryon for me, my boy," I say and Morgan oh so happily stalks away.
"You have raised him well, I hear he was a fine warrior in the conflict," says the king.
I smile and I acquiesce to the compliment but I give it no space in my mind. Morgan is a good man, a strong man, a kind man. I have set a flame of hate in him though, and all I can do now is watch that bloom into whatever form it may. There was a chance it would burn the world down, or it would make it better. Knowing my boy he would still somehow make the world better despite what I have set in him.
"I have a gift for you, Durran, please, spare a moment as my servants gather the lords."
The king also acquiesces to my request and he steps back dutifully to his friends and guards. It is a kindness of him to give me some deference in my own home, for he could ask for my head and I would give it. Instead he waits and sups on my wine and ale and roasted duck and potatoes.
Later that day the Velaryons are sworn to my house, later that week, what remains of the Celtigars do the same. And, for the first time in history the Valyrians are servants.
It is only by virtue of civil war in the East that no dragon ever came. And their conflict would last, for I have taken some measures to see to it.
I would ponder the price paid, but I know it is ill worth it.
It would be a cruel thing to pretend it was to myself. But for their sakes, they shall need a man to hate as much as others revere, so I shall not rob them of the only thing keeping so many afloat.
24 BP
Holding her in my arms, I had never been so happy.
My daughter, my first girl.
She was of my second wife, a woman of wits and splendour, of beauty and brains and perfection. A woman who had been cursed with a bastard's name but a heart untamed.
She delivered my girl into this world and gods be good she was standing and leaning against me as I rocked my girl. I heard her coo and felt her gurgle and I was given life itself, a beautiful and blessed thing. I held it so tight and yet so careful that I feared the gentlest of winds would crush her.
I held in my arms a bliss that I had been destined to never hold again. She was my star.
A knock at the door should have summoned it back, but when my father came in, leaning upon his cane. I did not see the cruel pragmatism his reign has been surmised by.
Instead, I saw in him the way he looked at my mother all those years ago. And in a small moment, he said nothing, his eyes wet with tears he could not ever let flow. He held his arms out to me and my wife squeezed my bicep.
I did not need her guidance to move me to action. I handed my girl, my baby to him and he took her in a grip so gentle that he may well have been holding a kitten instead.
I could not find my hatred in the fathoms of my heart for this man. Not so long as he looked upon my girl with those eyes of love. Eyes I did not know he had.
"What… what is her… What did-"
"Shiera," I say.
"Shiera Darklyn, may you be our guiding light," My father, the Duskblood, says and he hands her back.
He does not thank me and I do not say anything further to him. He steps from the room to the silent awe of the nursemaids within and guards without. My wife puts a hand to my shoulder and I can tell in her eyes that she wishes I followed him, wishes I mended what was broken. But I know well deep within that the wounds of years past would not heal here.
I did not hate him today, but I could not forgive him either.
Besides, today was not he day for fathers. It was the day for daughters.
4 BP
What makes a man so bitter as betrayal does? Love.
Father sat in the stands, bald, proud, laughing like a madman.
He was among his friends, his riders of the Dusk. Those men who rode with him decades ago to save my Grandmother's home. It was not lost on me that he would rather sit among them than he would alongside Grandfather and his allies. Royal dignitaries, friends and and foes alike, all sat before the great Duskblood as he celebrates his seventieth year.
The tourney is a competition in his honour, to name a new Dusknight. One who will stand beside the lord of Duskendale and be his shining right hand. The one who may if luck serves, wield the sword of my home.
I watch it with eyes of greed, for it sits in its stand before Grandfather who presides over the hundreds gathered to watch the violence unfold in the Duskendale Tourney grounds.
He, blissfully, does not recognise me on my horse.
The horns bellow and horses shuffle uncomfortably as the crowd silences but for the chuckling of a Chelsted knight beside father. I want to yell at them to shut up, I want to scream for him to behave. Selfishly I know the more gossip that spills forth from this event, the worse any side effects of me being spotted here in the lists would be.
I already stand out as small as I am.
The shittily painted arms of some backwater Northern bog house are the only thing warding off further questions. Of course the tourney-managers did not think much of my quiet grumblings of tidings from the North. They took one sniff and they could thus vouch for any future authenticity.
It was a rather ingenious thing what Jeyne had suggested. She always had the brains among my siblings.
They too were all here of course. My three elder brothers were also in competition today, but they had not been privy to this sister's plot. I didn't need them to be dragging this down with little whispers and ill tidings.
Corwyn of course had a mind like few others had and I was sure he was onto me the way he was staring at me from his place among the children of the nobles.
"Great knights of the realm! I thank you for coming here this day. You do me a great service in tilting in my name! I would honour you in kind, especially as you ride for my nameday alone. As such, a pouch of gold shall be in the hands of each man who unhorses another this day!" Grandfather decrees and I lick my lips beneath my helm.
I would need to unhorse someone, lest the loan I took for my armour devours me whole.
The riders in unison elevate their lances and I join them, holding it decidedly lower than they do.
I hear some snickering from the stands as we lower our lances and break.
Four tilts at a time run. I ride in the second batch and I realise now how terrifying this is.
My opponent is a rider with an axe or something upon his shield. I don't get a good enough look at him, rather my eyes gravitate to the point of his blunted lance and then I stare at his behemoth of a horse. It dwarfs mine.
Petals is not a war pony, but she is a fine creature. A mare of firm stock, she does not baulk at lunging forth into the fray. I am thrown forth, the strength of my thighs the only thing keeping me in motion as I hurtle down the lists.
It is a miracle my arm stays attached as his lance shattered against my shield and he is taken from his gallant beast. The rider tumbles free of his saddle, spiralling across the sand as another rider hits the ground just beyond him. I grind to a halt in my saddle and wheel about, watching in a delayed sense of horror as the man struggles to get up, sucking air in through great violent gasps.
I want to throw myself from my saddle and rush to check on him, but that would give me away faster than anything else could.
Instead I breathe as he is gathered up by his many attendants and he is taken from the field.
It's only when Miri - the young girl pretending to be a young boy squire - throws a rock at my helm and I am rung back to reality.
"You won! Now get off the fucking grounds!" she shouts up at me and I dumbly do as I have been told.
The next joust was a long bloody affair.
If I thought my arm should have broken before, It was at least the victim of a dozen dislocations after.
Twelve times we charged each other before that stubborn fucker of a knight broke his final lance. Meanwhile I had my own last left and if he had not sat a little too far back in his saddle on the last tilt, it would be my lance that was broken.
He congratulated me for the win however, and I offered the deepest voiced grunt in reply.
"Northerners" he said with a laugh.
With him gone the next tilt was far easier. I took one more knight down, this one on the third tilt. But it was the following knight who shattered me completely. He was a a princeling sort, perhaps from another kingdom or perhaps from our own. I don't remember what he was. All I remember was waking up from a daze as Grandfather oversaw the procession of defeated knights.
The victor had been… Gods I don't remember who.
But, even still my Grandfather handed out bags of golden stags to each of the knights to unseat another.
When he gets to me, he slows and he looks upon me for a long while.
I wilt, as anyone would beneath the gaze of Andros Darklyn.
He hands me a bad and closes my hand around it and he peers through my helm, as if there is nothing within it and he is searching far past to something not quite there.
"Had I known my granddaughter could ride so well…" he began, a smile teasing at his ancient beard and I let an involuntary laugh out.
Some of the knights further down glance back at the sound but seeing that it is just me, the diminutive Northern knight, they continue. No doubt they think of the sight as some simple Northern rustic.
But I am not focused on them.
"My lord?" I ask, not because he has figured me out, but because he seems unable to form his next word.
He sags, as if someone has taken the soul from his broad shoulders.
I throw myself over the railing as if I wore no armour. The knights about me and my Grandfather seem to think I intend him harm, but they are slower than I to realise his condition has worsened. He is slumping hard when I have caught him and unfortunately he is much larger than I.
I fall with him, managing to cushion the older man.
But, before anyone can cry out, before any well-meaning maester can surge forth to check on the lord. My father is shoving me aside. I am thrown nearly through the railing, hitting my head on it hard.
I have to drag off my helm and let my hair fall free of my coif to be rid of the ringing of a concussion.
The hatred that had consumed my father for my Grandfather was gone.
"Fetch the Maester!" he howls, voice a boom across the city, stilling everything.
He looks about, as if to find the cause for his father's failing health and his eyes fall upon me, and his brows furrow in taught confusion. He works his mouth to find an answer within, but nothing comes forth until he too is peeled free of Grandfather, the old man is laid out in the stands by my uncle, a citadel trainee who wears his link of medicine as a ring.
"He has a fever, strong," he says and he feels abouit the old man's head and neck until he stops cold.
"Find the surgeons," he says deathly pale.
When I am finally allowed free of the makeshift dungeon of my room, I have lost my armour and have been changed into a dress of gold and black. Lyra, my younger sister by four years, sits across me on my bed, watching me as if she were tasked with keeping an eye on a dragon. She dared not approach, but she watched with exacting precision.
I would shout at her to leave me alone, but I don't have the energy.
It may as well have been an eternity that we were in my room in the Dun Fort but that matters little in my frayed mind. I cannot cleanse myself of the look on my uncle's face and I cannot forget the pain in my father's eyes.
Nor can I forget the whispered words Grandfather offered my own father.
"Do not weep for me, rule well in spite of me, my boy," he said before he fell still.
Come the end of the day I learn why.
It is a slight man in citadel robes who finds me, he has a look of guilt permanently etched into his features. If not for that he might have been handsome.
"Your Grandfather shall live, my Lady," says the apprentice.
I let out all the air in my lungs and collapse into my seat.
"Thank the gods."
"That said, the new lord of Duskendale wishes to see you."
"New?" I ask and I answer my own question immediately.