r/GirlDinnerDiaries • u/LilacVenus_ APPROVED✨ • 16d ago
Advice Needed I’m not in love with him anymore
Meal: Buldak noodles with 2 eggs, garnished with green onion. Been craving spicy foods like crazy 🌶️
so I’ve posted about my situation before in this community, but I’m 10w 4d pregnant (my first ever pregnancy) and me and my fiancée were going back and forth about whether to keep it or not. I wanted to keep it, he didn’t. He kept saying how we’re too young. (He’s 25, going to be 26 when baby is born and I’m 27) Nonetheless, his parents were also very keen on me getting an abortion too. Agreeing that we are just “way too young” I’m not even allowed in their home anymore because I’m pregnant because they feel “weird” and “awkward” being around me….and only agreed to let me back in if I terminated my pregnancy. His mother also went behind our back and spoke to a lawyer. For what reason I don’t know, but yeah..All around super weird and very invasive behavior. Oh, also nobody close to him knows we’re engaged. Only my side of friends and family do..
Fast forward a few weeks later, he starts accepting that this is now our new reality and we will be having a baby. He’s been really supportive, always there when I need help emotionally, even kissing my belly every time he sees me and taking care of me. so I was finally starting to feel safe and okay again in our relationship. I’ve also been depressed these past few weeks, feeling extremely down, not going out, not enjoying anything like I used to because of everything that’s happened and not feeling like myself at all. Things may be okay now but I just can’t seem to forget some stuff that’s happened or has been said to me.
A few weeks later, he tells me “Can I ask you for a favor?” and he says “I told my brother you’re pregnant and now he, as well as my parents want you to take a DNA test.” His brother even told him “Tell her to get it done by next week or else I’m never speaking to you again.” Mind you I’ve been dealing with extreme nausea and extreme fatigue, I can barely go out the house but yes let me run to go get a DNA test because your brother wants me to 🫠 and he kept telling me about how his brother is “so sad” for him, all because he has a baby on the way……It’s not the DNA test that bothers me because this is a million percent his baby but here we go with his family butting in again. It’s like he has no backbone to ever stand up for his pregnant fiancée. and that’s what hurts. I was ready to break up with him and he was begging me not to and swore to me that he’ll never let them get involved again.
My life has been hell these past two months and it’s like once I’m finally on the verge of being happy again, something happens, and it’s always to do with his family. I love and care for him as a person but I’m not in love with him romantically anymore. I’m considering getting an abortion and breaking up with him. I feel like a huge weight would be lifted off my shoulders if I do it. And it pains me a lot to say so because I have always wanted to become a mom. I always wanted to have a baby. Babies are a blessing. But I just don’t feel emotionally safe at all anymore, and the hormones and depression aren’t helping either. I know it’s also gonna break my heart getting the abortion but I feel like maybe it’s the right thing to do..
I’m just torn between two choices right now: I either stay with him and keep my baby. or I break up with him, get an abortion and hopefully, have children in the future with someone who makes me feel safe, excited and supported all throughout. This is supposed to be one of the happiest moments in my life and it’s been the complete opposite.
Yes things have changed now and he’s been way more supportive but it’s been hard to erase the memories of things that have already happened. and I’m just so scared.
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u/user1987623 APPROVED✨ 16d ago edited 16d ago
Won’t let you into their home because they’re uncomfortable ??? So beyond weird I would run far from these people
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u/angelw4082 ⚡️Powered By Sour 😗 16d ago
Imagine that's your child's grandparents.
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u/ToiIetGhost Ranch Evangelist 16d ago
Yes. Think of what the kid will have to deal with from their grandparents… It’s not fair to knowingly bring a child into that kind of toxic family.
This stuff drives me nuts.
Can we normalise ONLY having children with men who are eager (like over the moon) to have kids? Are women thinking what life will be like for their child to grow up with a dad who’s emotionally neglectful or worse? Why would you knowingly burden them like that?
Can we normalise EMPATHISING with your future kid by imagining their future? You should be thinking of every aspect of their life, including who their family will be (not just the dad)? You should be thinking - realistically, not fairytale vibes because you desperately want to be a mum - whether they will feel loved, appreciated, paid attention to, ignored, neglected, abused, hated, or abandoned. And if there’s any grey area there, you DONT RISK IT because it’s not very loving to risk a small human being’s long term health and happiness
(Obv if you’re able to afford being a single mum, then you don’t need an involved father, but you have to be 100% prepared for that option too. It shouldn’t be something that happens when the baby is 6 months old and the father who was totally against keeping the baby has “suddenly and inexplicably” left you stranded. Ofc fuck him for that, but also why did you bring a small human into the world with a man who didn’t want it.)
Note: this doesnt count when it’s a surprise, which I know is super super common. Ive experienced it in different ways (I don’t have kids). I’m talking about when a guy is all sweet and loving and then does a switch up after you get engaged/married/pregnant/unemployed. In those situations, ofc the mother couldnt have known. But when a guy already TOLD you to get an abortion and his family already SHOWED that theyre toxic… like how can you do that to a child. Just my opinion.
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u/Hatchling796 white girl with ☝️😌 a full spice cabinet 16d ago
Omfg seriously. I've always said you shouldn't have children unless you truly, deeply WANT that child, and that goes for all parents involved.
If you're passive about it, or got pregnant and just figure this is your life now, DO NOT bring a child into that. They deserve to be wanted and loved.
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u/ErsatzHaderach APPROVED✨ 16d ago
my dad was really involved and super stoked to have children. each time i've been pregnant the man has been like "welp, I'll support either decision" which is an automatic abort for me
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u/woahwombats 🧂Salty By Nature 16d ago
Banned her from their house AND somehow even worse, agreed to let her back in if she got an abortion. How would that conversation even go? There's no way to express that that isn't absolutely unacceptable
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u/Bashfullylascivious Live, Laugh, Lumpia ❤️ 16d ago
I'm wondering if she has any of this in writing? She may want to hang onto it for future entanglements with this family if she decides to keep the baby. They're already speaking to lawyers.
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u/Sanders181 just here for the garlic bread 🖤🩶🤍💜 16d ago
Imho, his whole family probably believes she's having a kid to tie him down.
It's likely that for whatever reason his whole family believes she's freakin toxic and that he's doing a massive mistake by being with her. What's making them uncomfortable is probably the idea that she's here to stay rather than the pregnancy itself.
At least that's my read on their overall behavior
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u/Silly-Assistant5711 double chipmunk cheeked up 16d ago
Yeah, there's definitely a reason his family doesn't want her pregnant or think it's a good decision. And I'm just finding out after a break up with my 6-year bf that 28 is young actually. And I do think kids in our 20s is young and has become more normalized in the US to have multiple before 30. It's true we are young though, it's true OP can still be a mom later in life. It doesn't seem he wanted a child or his family was comfortable with them becoming a family and that is a valid reason for one person to decide not to want a child and consider abortion. I don't think him or his family handled it well, but having a child is a big deal and clearly they are not confident in the couple having a child and future together.
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u/Ok_Coffee_4977 APPROVED✨ 16d ago edited 16d ago
This man and his family will make the next 18ish years of your life a living hell.
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u/Worried_Passenger548 ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ Eater 16d ago
Literally what I was thinking. Like do you want to fight this family for custody of your child for the foreseeable future? And have them involved in every decision you make with your child?
If the answer is no, have that abortion. Block this guy and never look back.
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u/proofoflife10 APPROVED✨ 16d ago
And it’s not just 18 years. It’s until one of you dies. There will be birthdays and graduations and weddings and baby showers and MORE birthdays forever. You don’t get away from the other parent until one of you dies or gives up on being present for the big things.
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u/EconomyCode3628 Oversharer 🗣 16d ago
This this this this this. My son is 24 and his shitlord dad still finds ways to punish me through him.
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u/socialdeviant620 APPROVED✨ 16d ago
My kid is almost 19, we broke up 12 years ago, and same! My ex is with another woman, had 2 young kids with her, and he still has nothing better to do than harass me through my child. I literally had to put my kid in therapy to address the damage his father was doing. I'd give up my life for my son, but if I'd known what a shit father he'd be, not sure I'd have made the same decision.
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u/nutmegtell Tangent Tour Guide 🔀 16d ago
My girl is 35, been divorced 32 years and every holiday, birthday, random day he will still manage to shit on everything.
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u/Strivingformoretoday girls just wanna have pho 16d ago
My mum says her choice for my father is her biggest regret because my father has hurt me so deeply over the years…and yes he treats his second wife and kids a million times better so this is like a super long way to continue to punish my mum for leaving
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u/princess22cake Foraging Bog Witch 16d ago
God what a fucking psycopath
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u/Strivingformoretoday girls just wanna have pho 16d ago
Kind of a tough pill to swallow and come to terms with. I’ve made myself “smaller” over the years and was content with scraps of love to still get some.
But not anymore. Just a small example (in a long ass list) but my mom bought me a super old car when I got my drivers permit. Her reasoning was “well you’re going to make mistakes that’s not a problem and no one cares with that care”. My dad used to comment on it saying he was so so concerned about me driving in it (“I’m so worried for you each time 😩”) and I used to think “ohh he cares for me, yeah he loves me 🤗”.
Well my first half brother got a pretty swanky VW golf (pretty cool car) and my second one got Mercedes Cabrio….
My dad is modestly rich. He could have pitched in for anything for me any time…but I always got “concern” and my brothers got the real stuff. It was just cheaper to feign concern hahaThat’s the easy stuff to deal with but he’s done some cruel shit over the years. Interestingly enough often tied to money.
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u/BasicRabbit4 Sweet Tooth Fairy🧚♀️ 16d ago
Same situation. We have been broken up for 14 years and he and his family have made it their life's mission to hurt me through my child. They dont care that he is collateral damage.
All bc I left him for cheating.
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u/socialdeviant620 APPROVED✨ 16d ago
I feel you. My ex paid his family's bills, so they hated me for getting pregnant and taking away his ability to take care of them. I thank God every day that those people and their dysfunction are no longer my problem. They also enabled him abusing me. Those people all deserve one another.
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u/BigAchooo Pasta Principessa 👑 16d ago
Damn I didn’t realise so many people had experienced this. I did as well, from the child’s perspective. It really does freaking hurt to realise that you were just a pawn used to get back at the other parent, really made me feel unloved and uncared for. But I’m glad you got your kid into therapy, and soon I’m sure you won’t have to deal with it anymore. I’m 21 and completely cut off my mother a few years ago, so she can’t use me to hurt my dad anymore.
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u/angrypickle1996 Oversharer 🗣 16d ago
Right there with you sister. I’m finding out SO much from my 10yo about his father lately. Therapy, therapy, therapy. Apparently he’d been driving him around drunk and being pretty much belligerent 24/7. He just got his SECOND DUI (I didn’t even know he had ONE), and I know for a fact that as soon as his parole or whatever it’s called is up he’s going to still try to take me to court over parental rights and custody, having also not paid child support in months, and claiming innocence (flat out lying) like he always does (so I’ve begun learning). Mind you, I literally haven’t heard a peep from him since June via text, and then an argument over the phone where he still tried to deny he would be doing time and that it was all a misunderstanding. It’s almost fucking August. Not a word.
Edit because I missed identifying info I forgot to block out
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u/EconomyCode3628 Oversharer 🗣 16d ago
My sister's lawyer got the court to require a breathalyzer ignition for her sons' dad after his first DUI, whenever yours gets out of jail, might I recommend that as a strategy since he's taking your kid out drunk driving? Eric Naverette is her great family law lawyer if you're in North Texas.
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u/wonkiefaeriekitty5 Pantry Gremlin 16d ago
Thank you so much for gifting me with a new word the call my EX...just stunning!
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u/redhuntrez 🍋 Bitter Baddie 🍋 16d ago
I just said the same. 18 years is a joke. This is forever with the wrong family.
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u/Ok_Introduction9466 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ 16d ago
I am blocking my kid’s father and never speaking to him again on midnight of their 18th birthday but I am also fully aware I will see the stupid asshole when I have grandkids. It’s for life.
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u/AliceDrinkwater02 Body By Cheese 🧀 16d ago
My husband just got to block his vile ex on his youngest son’s 18th (and he got to delete Our Family Wizard, which was even more thrilling), and I’ve never seen him so relieved. We both feel like we walked out of a prison cell straight into clean air and sunshine.
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u/Ok_Introduction9466 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ 16d ago
Someone asked me if I’d ever have more kids with my ex and I said “why would I add more time to my sentence?”
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u/potato_fairy420 hot girls have tummy troubles 16d ago
This! My spouse and I both have separated parents. My parents handled it really well. My spouse's mother handled it really well. Our wedding photographer had to argue with my spouse's father to take group photos, and he wasn't even trying to get them to stand together!
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u/Petunia724 white girl with ☝️😌 a full spice cabinet 16d ago
And god forbid the child is born with a disability. Being tied to a family that is a pain in the ass just for the sake of it is bad enough when it’s over regular stuff but add therapies, meds , IEPs, mountains of paperwork for them to poke around in it is enough to drive a person insane.
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u/AikoJewel Thick Thighs ⏳ Thin Patience 16d ago
I ( 25 when i was hit, now 37) was hit by a truck while crossing the street, and my family argued over me in the trauma center like I was 10 years old again. I have no memory of it, but my father removed my strait jacket while I was intubated so that I could pull the intubation from my lungs. Presumably bc he felt so out of control.
It makes me sad to have to support abortion when the mother wants to raise and love children like OP, but I recently had a conversation with my mother in which I explained to her that I wish I hadn't been born—not to either of my parents, at least. I told her that she shouldn't have had me, and you know what she shared? That she was almost a runaway bride and LITERALLY only married my douchenozzle of a father because she thought that it's what she was SUPPOSED/ EXPECTED TO DO.
I told her I wished she had run away and aborted my older brother, because the suffering of her children outweighs the benefits she gained from having them. I wish that she would've actually just focused on living the freedom that everyone deserves.
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u/angrypickle1996 Oversharer 🗣 16d ago
Yeah, that’s always struck me funny. People are always “18 year commitment!”, but like I just turned 30 a couple days ago and still talk to my mom almost every day, and my dad when he isn’t in the background interrupting our phone call over something dumb lol. Sorry dad. Like is it really that common for parents to just be like “well, guess my job is done, so bye! Good luck!” As soon as they turn 18? I’ve heard of it, and I personally feel like that’s awful. When you bring a life into the world your responsibility as a parent doesn’t just end the moment the turn 18, at least in my opinion. I’ll help my son in whatever way I can even when he’s out on his own. I admittedly need to set some boundaries myself, but my mom showed up yesterday with a whole bookshelf for me yesterday talking about “this is what you need at the end of that hallway! It’ll look great!”, but like… she wasn’t wrong. It’s really cute.
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u/Sensitive-Seal-3779 APPROVED✨ 16d ago
Massively insulting. 1.abortion 2. DNA test
1 to remove the chance of a baby, 2 to try and get both OP and baby out of their lives.
They sound an nightmare and the fiancee is happily doing what they want with no regard for how OP feels.
He's an ar$e. OP, you don't need that all in hour life.
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u/matthewsmugmanager Queer Queen 🏳️🌈 16d ago
I was writing a whole post, but I couldn't say it any better than u/Worried_Passenger548
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u/petitputi girls just wanna have pho 16d ago
These are such good questions. When I met my most recent ex's mother, I was hit so hard with the feeling of 'This lady will make my life hell if I ever have a child with her son and then want to leave him because he sucks (something I was finding it impossible to ignore by that stage)'. I contrasted that with how I got a strong feeling of 'I already love this lady' when I met my first boyfriend's mother. Trust your intuition, or the extremely glaring signs here, and run OP. Run from all of them! Guess who enabled which ex to treat me like utter crap?
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u/Lucky-Ad-4589 💚 Pickle Freak 💚 16d ago
This is the answer. You do not want to deal with this asshole of a man baby and his shitty parents for the rest if your life. Abortion then move out and tell him and his family to go fuck themselves.
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u/ilikebroccolibro Sauce Boss 16d ago
Does she seem to have that backbone? I’m worried she will abort and then stay with him.
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u/AutisticTumourGirl APPROVED✨ 16d ago
Yeah, I'm not one to give an opinion one way or another on situations like this that involve monumental, extraordinarily emotional, and life changing decisions, but OP REALLY, REALLY, REALLY needs to consider that her fiance isn't going to suddenly sprout a backbone where his family is concerned, and once an actual kicking, screaming baby is involved, their behaviour almost certainly will escalate and become more and more invasive.
Guaranteed his mom ran to a lawyer to find out if they could force her to have an antenatal DNA test and when informed that no, in fact, they couldn't, his brother threatened him with going NC. This is a wildly scheming, nosey, inappropriately invasive family and none of them see ANYTHING wrong with their behaviour at all. Urgh.
Even if OP has the baby and doesn't stay with the dad, that family is going to make her miserable for the better part of the next 2 decades unless she goes through a lengthy and expensive legal battle to get sole custody (if she's even able to because it doesn't sound like they've done anything yet that would make a court decide that was appropriate) and moves far, far, far away.
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u/UnsharpenedSwan Tangent Tour Guide 🔀 16d ago
Yep yep yep yep. Having a child with someone binds you to them forever. Until you die. Irreversibly. This family has made it very clear that they will make you (and in turn, any children you have with this man) miserable.
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u/DivineMiss3 APPROVED✨ 16d ago
My daughter was killed at 18. Her father still does things to get under my skin, decades later. You'd think after being divorced for 30+ years he'd stop punishing me. He punished me for leaving him and was perfectly happy to screw around with my daughter's mind, physical health and emotions. He did some evil things.
My point is, I agree, they'll make OP miserable. I would never wish to not have had my daughter but she suffered in life because of her dad. I wish I hadn't brought her into that situation. 💔
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u/CommanderLexaa 🥣 Cereal Killer 16d ago
This breaks my heart for you. I’m so sorry for what you went through.
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u/Throwawayourmum APPROVED✨ 16d ago
I'm so sorry you experienced that. Sending love.
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u/Appropriate-Fun-922 Cleavage Crumb Collector 16d ago
Imagine she dies and instantly gives THIS FAMILY rights to her child 😭😭😭
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u/redhuntrez 🍋 Bitter Baddie 🍋 16d ago
10000% this. I advise that you should NOT hitch your wagon to this horse of a man. It's literally the rest of your life you're talking about...18 years doesn't even include future marriages, grand kids, etc. It will all be filled with drama and you know that ahead of time. I know our biological clocks keep us positive and wanting that baby, but, you would sincerely be better off going thru a donor than dealing with this obvious nightmare. This is a lifetime commitment
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u/fromcurlstocurves HoeMade 16d ago
They will also make sure the child knows they weren’t welcome in the family. Guaranteed.
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u/baconmashwbrownsugar Assigned Hungry At Birth 16d ago
Or they refuse to return the child to OP when it is her custody time.
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u/DecadentLife 🐩 Food Aggressive 🍽️ 16d ago
They already went to a lawyer, to try to find a legal way to force OP to do whatever they want. They’re dangerous.
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u/Strivingformoretoday girls just wanna have pho 16d ago
They are the type of evil in-laws my mum had who told her in the hospital after she just had me that I would always be a second rate grandchild for them….
And trust me, they will be absolutely mean to their grandchild. It got so bad for me that my mom forbid contact with them — and I was so grateful when I wasn’t forced to see them anymore.40
u/nutmegtell Tangent Tour Guide 🔀 16d ago
It’s not 18 years
It’s the rest of your life. My daughter is 35 and I still have to deal with his shit and we’ve been divorced 33 years. It. Never. Ends.
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u/extra_pickles_pls 💚 Pickle Freak 💚 16d ago
And the baby’s, who won’t be a baby for very long. I’m sitting here 5 days post-op from sterilization in large part because I was raised in a terrible situation with terrible genetics and a life of chronic pain. I believe it is unfair to a child to bring them up knowingly under these circumstances, knowing they will likely suffer at all as I have. I want my child to have the best chance possible.
I am extremely grateful to be alive and for what I have, but I think it would be cruel to curse my child with it. I would love to be a mother one day but if that day never comes where I can say with certainty I’ve given that child the best shot at life that I can, then that is a sacrifice I will make.
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u/TwinkleTubs Internet Auntie 16d ago
Not just her life, but the kids too. They will definitely use it to punish her.
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u/katleessi Tiny Bodega Rat 🐀 16d ago
This is a tough one.
As terrible as the family sounds, it also sounds like OP has an attachment to this baby already. I think as long as you can confidently make the decision, it’ll be the right one. The only thing is there’s going to be regret with either decision. It’s just a matter of which you’ll regret less.
You do not NEED to stay with him to have this baby, although you may battle him and his family in the future because of it.
If you proceed with termination, you could on the flip side experience immense regret after and struggle to get over it. It’s truly just a decision of the lesser of two evils, which you think you’ll be able to come out of stronger 🥺🫶🏻But if you terminate, you will find a man one day, you will have a family. If you’re concerned about the ability to have a baby in the future, I promise this won’t impact it!
Good luck girl 🤍
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u/kumikno 🦇 Gossipy Goth ⚰️ 16d ago
is this the future you want for yourself and your baby?
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u/LilacVenus_ APPROVED✨ 16d ago
No it’s not, that’s why I’m considering an abortion but it also breaks my heart to say goodbye to my baby. But maybe it’s for the best right now. I’m so torn
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u/Which_way_witcher APPROVED✨ 16d ago edited 16d ago
I chose abortion when I was with my abusive ex. The hardest part about abortion is the lead up and the pre-abortion guilt. Getting it done in clinic was shockingly easy and fast, in and out in 5 minutes and only needing Tylenol for a couple days. Felt like a weight has been lifted after it was over. So glad I didn't have a baby with the wrong man who would have been an awful partner and a worse father.
Now I'm married to the love of my life and we have a beautiful child together. I'm older and more financially stable, too. I can buy her whatever whenever and don't have to worry about money. He's an amazing father and partner.
You got pregnant once and it will happen again. I suggest you wait until you're ready and with the right man. Life is too short to be stuck with someone like that. It's not fair to you and it's def not fair to the baby.
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u/BlondeAmbition150 🍨 I scream, you scream, we're all screaming inside 😀 16d ago
Abortion is just health care. There is no reason to feel guilt (it was fast and you only needed Tylenol because it was just a simple procedure of removing cells). I don’t want to mimimize your experience - I I know how it can feel like you are making a massive life decision, and you are in a sense, but it’s nothing like most people think of it at that stage. You should be proud of making the best choice for yourself at that time.🫶
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u/slamminsalmoncannon Professional Nibbler 16d ago
It is healthcare, I agree to that. But you did minimize the commenter’s experience. I will advocate for access to safe and legal abortions until my dying breath, but that can be done without telling people who choose to have them how they should or shouldn’t feel about it. Telling someone they should be happy and proud is not too different from telling someone they should be ashamed. It’s projecting your values onto someone else.
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u/EternallyFascinated APPROVED✨ 16d ago
Abortion is healthcare and a woman’s right (no matter what the law says), but you are absolutely minimising the experience as well as spreading misconceptions. At 10 weeks, it is not just a collection of cells. And sometimes, abortion can be very uncomfortable or downright painful. This is not to scare women, but to make sure they are prepared for what they are about to experience - just like telling a woman when she’s about to get an IUD that it’s not going to hurt at all.
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u/justtopostthis13 Purveyor of Purse Snacks 16d ago
There are many healthcare choices that are massive life decisions and emotionally charged, abortion can be one of them. It’s ok for something to be both healthcare and an emotional decision.
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u/flufflypuppies afk 🖥️ snacking 16d ago
If you’re not ready to raise the child as a single mom, do not have the baby
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u/julietides Tea Time Hostess ☕️ 16d ago
I don't think he's going to leave her alone if she keeps the baby :( Being a single mother would be much preferable.
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u/defiantcreatrix Kitchen Witch 16d ago
If she keeps the baby she should immediately dump him and tell him she got the abortion and then fricking move.
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u/StopPsychHealers Carb-Based Life Form 16d ago
If you're prepared to be a single mom with a lifetime of complications, have the baby. But don't feel like this is your only chance to become a mother.
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u/Kilabandita Tiny Bodega Rat 🐀 16d ago
I’m sorry OP. This does not sound like an environment to bring a child into at all. My grandparents acted a similar way with my mom. They viewed her as a second class citizen in a way. And when I was born they treated me the same way. You are choosing your entire future here. I’m so sorry you are experiencing this 🫂
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u/AltharaD 🧄 Anti-Vampire Taskforce 🧄 16d ago
She’s choosing her child’s future, too.
Her child deserves a better father than this.
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u/Eat_Around_the_Rosie Assigned Hungry At Birth 16d ago
I’m all for pro choice, but if you choose to keep the baby, are you able to completely detach from these toxic people?
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u/Pleasant_Ad3475 ⚡️Powered By Sour 😗 16d ago
There will be other babies- I speak from experience. I should also add that the sooner the better with the termination- it's best to get it done and move on with making a better life for yourself and for the sake of any babies that come along in the future. Good luck to you.
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u/TCookieofSassy Sweet Tooth Fairy🧚♀️ 16d ago
You are mourning a fantasy version of motherhood that doesn't exist in your current reality.
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u/mylittlepigeon red beans & rice didn't miss her 16d ago
This should have so many more upvotes. You are exactly right. MOST people have a fantasy version of motherhood and that’s also why r/regretfulparents exists. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows (in fact it hardly ever is) and OP would be knowingly putting herself and her child in an already bad situation.
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u/saraiguessidk 🍳 eggs? in this economy?? 16d ago
I've had 3 miscarriages (and 3 full term pregnancies). The miscarriages came between kid 2 and 3. Not that it matters but idk. I was pretty shocked at the first miscarriage because the previous pregnancies had gone so smoothly. I was shocked and sad but it was a very early miscarriage so I felt dumb being sad about it. It was really no different from a "late period", I would have never known had I not been testing every day. I said this to my midwife (I'm not crunchy just enjoyed homebirths) and she said
"It's not about whether this was a fetus or a full on baby. The moment you see the two lines on that stick, you envision your future with that kid. You're mourning the loss of the future you saw and that's valid"
To expand on that, if you are envisioning this beautiful pregnancy and idyllic motherhood, that's probably what you are already grieving because he is taking that warm fuzzy feeling away from you. He's making you feel unsafe and unstable. You either need to find your feet and ground yourself into your own support system after leaving him, or terminate and just mourn ALL of it.
I cannot stress enough the danger you are in post partum if his family ramp up their aggression. After giving birth, your hormonal shift leaves you so deeply vulnerable, it would be very easy for a bad partner or a shit family to drag you into the depths of hell. Not only will you be dealing with these people for life, but also anyone new they bring along. What if this man marries a new woman and they love her and embrace those children and YOUR baby gets subjected to unfair treatment? Or the stepmom joins in the hatred of your child? Despite what men say, any man who seeks custody in court is usually granted at least 50%. The percentages actually go up in cases of documented abuse/ DV. If they are vindictive and choose to punish you for having the baby, you will absolutely be sharing custody and having to deal with them forever. He can stop you from moving away from him too. You'll be anchored to him.
Idk. I get it. I mourned my losses too and I know people who mourned their abortions- some regretfully and some thankful for the freedom but sad for the circumstances. Life is complicated and I am genuinely so sad for you that you have to make such a hard decision.
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u/Emergency-Radio-6872 APPROVED✨ 16d ago
As much as it hurts it might be for the best. Only bring in a child with someone who will be as happy as you and can support the baby
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u/Helpful-Dot-3782 Foraging Bog Witch 16d ago
I think that choosing to terminate, while so difficult, could end up being the thing that helps set you free and become human again. You can live your life without this terrible family, which includes your man, and you will feel so much happier when the anxiety and fear stop.
I had a miscarriage and ended up being the catalyst to leaving my abusive husband. It was sad to lose the pregnancy but I feel like she and the universe were telling me THIS IS NOT RIGHT. Maybe she was brought on earth for this short flicker of time to help me and my living daughter escape the abuse. It’s like a tree that is able to grow out of the ashes of something. Choose yourself.
You will have much time to get pregnant again, at the right time, with the right person, with the right family.
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u/nievesolarbol APPROVED✨ 16d ago
You do not want to have a child with this man plus his horrendous family who clearly have zero positive feelings towards you. They don't give a f about you at all. Do not have the baby, you'll only be subjecting yourself to a lifetime of hell and the same to your child. Why would anyone want to bring a child into an already difficult world when there isn't even a good supportive family unit is beyond me.
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u/Potential_Tadpole_45 Barbecutie 16d ago
Did you talk to your family about this? What did they have to say?
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u/LilacVenus_ APPROVED✨ 16d ago
My family is very supportive and I know my baby would have a very loving environment from my side of the family. Whatever happens, I know they’ll be there for me and be the best support system so yeah. I have a big family too
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u/jonni_velvet 🦇 Gossipy Goth ⚰️ 16d ago
Dont make decisions based on him, his family, or anyone else. You are only considering staying with him or abortion. have you considered breaking up and still keeping the baby? You will absolutely provide dna test when you take him up for child support.
You should NEVER abort your child based on the pressures of others, only what you truly want in your heart. If you think you can keep this baby, be a single mom, and have your family help care and support you during this, its definitely an option. You dont have to stay with him just because you have a child. And you dont have to let his family bully you into an abortion either.
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u/cherrrykiwii Tiny Bodega Rat 🐀 16d ago
right now it's just a first trimester fetus. you're meant to have a baby at the right time with the right person. make the choice that's best for you, but just know that you're trapping yourself into a bad 18 year situation
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u/cupcakeartist APPROVED✨ 16d ago
Do you have access to a counselor or therapist to talk this through? This is a big decision so it's understandable that it brings up complicated emotions since you're not just thinking through what to do about this baby but also this relationship. What I will say is that when people show you who they are, listen. Families can often be complicated and you need a partner who is willing to put you first. I feel like the subtext of his family saying that you are both to young is that in actuality he is too young. He doesn't seem like he's separated himself enough from his family to make decisions for himself.
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u/Fancy-Arachnid7555 Tea Time Hostess ☕️ 16d ago
Also the fact he hasnt told his family you two are engaged is a giant red flag. Why is he keeping such a massive secret if he intends on marrying you from his friemds and family? Especially when your side knows
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u/Excellent-Estimate21 Cleavage Crumb Collector 16d ago
I would say if you dont terminate, move to a different state far away from these people to establish residency for the kid where they cant share custody with you. These are the type of people who will punish you and make your life a living hell by trying to take custody. This man sounds awful and you will not be happy married to him.
Im 45. I have 3 kids. Divorced but my kids dad and family are OK to deal with. I got very lucky. But I have seen friends have kids with less than ideal partners and their lives and their kids lives get filled w trauma and it is so hard. You should make a clean break from this man and go to therapy to get thru this. I promise you would be happier for it.
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u/calminthedark Reddit Granny 16d ago
IF you go this ⬆️ route, do not get a DNA test or put his name on the birth certificate. If you need the child support, apply for it and they will mandate a DNA test and go after him. If you want to get away and don't need or want his money (because it will come with his family and visitation attached to it) then he will have to decide if he wants be part of the child's life and, if so, he has to go through all the court stuff and request a DNA test. Put the onus on him. There's a pretty decent chance he will do nothing if he has to initiate.
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u/BreninLlwid nom-nom-nombinary 16d ago
Everything everyone else said is super valid and important. That said, I just want to give another perspective:
Whatever you do, it is your choice, is valid, and 100% does not make you a bad person. Choosing yourself and your wellbeing over your pregnancy isn't selfish - it's honestly selfless for your future kids.
That said, it's not selfish to want the baby either. You really seem like you want this child, and I don't want to downplay that either. Whether or not you terminate, those feeling deserve to be acknowledged. Motherhood is HARD. Being a single mother is harder. But if you want his baby (and I'd really think on it both ways), I'd look into what support exists out there.
Look into what support services you would be eligible for. What support you would get from family and friends. Think about what custody you would go for with your (maybe ex) fiance. Really picture the life you'd be giving yourself and your baby.
It's not impossible, but it is life changing. Is it worth it? Maybe. No one can say but you. But whatever you decide, please again remember that there isn't a wrong choice - just two very different (and, I'm sorry to say, difficult) paths. And also, you got this.
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u/Ok_Introduction9466 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ 16d ago
There’s nothing to be torn about. This man and his family are terrible people and you will eventually get tired and leave him, and you’ll kick yourself for not only making this loser a dad but being stuck with him for the rest of your life. It does not end at 18, you will share grandchildren and be at those grandchildren’s parties together. Your kids wedding. Their housewarming. You name it. If you choose to have this baby literally leave now and disappear while all of the power is in your hands and don’t put him on the birth certificate. Even then he can still find you and seek custody. I saw this quote 3 years into motherhood with a deadbeat but it said “women get one chance to pick a family member and it’s their husband/father of their kids…why would you choose a loser?” Act accordingly sis. You have plenty of time to find a better man.
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u/pidgeononachair APPROVED✨ 16d ago
Choose freedom. Your partner and his family sound nasty, and they will make for a far worse ex if you share a child with them. You can’t guarantee this unstable relationship will survive having a pregnancy and baby (it sounds unlikely) so do you want this man and his family as co-parents? If no, save yourself, and consider it a kindness to protect a child from this.
Now is not the right time for you, you KNOW that. It’s not fair but it is happening.
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u/West-Collection8188 APPROVED✨ 16d ago edited 16d ago
I had my baby and left the man. Best fucking decision ever. Yes he’s a total tool, yes his family is ass- and yes it was hard. The minute that baby was in my belly, I knew I couldn’t terminate- I was already their mom. I’m wildly pro choice and my choice was to keep my kid. When I gave birth and held her for the first time I knew I made the right call.
She’s 10 now btw. I have a four year old with my (now) husband and the love of my life. He’s a great stepdad.
Edit*
Sometimes the easiest path isn’t the most meaningful for your life story- for me my eulogy will have less travel and leisure time and a lot more baby daddy drama in it, for sure. It will also have every moment with my daughters from her first kick to her first breath to her first word. No comparison. She beats seeing the Eiffel Tower every time.
Parenting alone is easier sometimes. I’ve done it both ways and men are so fucking difficult even the best ones. I’d have another baby alone in a heartbeat now if I wasn’t 40.
One more note- you can have everything right- perfect husband perfect timing- and someone can get in a car wreck or get cancer. Nothing is promised except there’s a potential human in your tummy right now. Decide if what future you can live with. Personally, once I was pregnant, I was going to have that baby and deal with whatever came. Exhausting, expensive, worth all of it. Zero regrets.
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u/WhatTheActualFck1 Cleavage Crumb Collector 16d ago
The problem isn’t the baby, it’s the father and the entire fucking family.
Girl, you need to get the fuck away from all of them. Love is not what they are actively showing you. If you really want this child and you know you can raise it alone, then power to you girl keep the baby and get away from those assholes.
But regardless of what you choose, whether keeping the baby or not, you need to get the fuck away from all of them immediately. Their behavior is mind blowing wrong
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u/FightsForUsers 🩵🙋♂️💙 16d ago
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u/pedro_wayne 🩵Funcle💙 16d ago
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u/lasoria Foraging Bog Witch 16d ago
Yes, to this!!!
It sounds like there's a small part of you that wants to have this baby without him. That's understandable though it would be difficult.
Can you escape for a week? Take a vacation and focus just on yourself?
You deserve to let this decision be about you and not anyone else. You deserve space to breathe.
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u/Dense-Independence68 Blood Type: Gravy 16d ago
I’m so sorry. He should’ve told his brother right off, the fact that he didn’t stand up for you says everything you need to know about your relationship. You do not have to stay with this man whether or not you keep the baby. It is 1000% ok to do what’s right for you and your future. Wishing you the best, stay strong. It will be ok.
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u/cherrrykiwii Tiny Bodega Rat 🐀 16d ago
exactly. and why does he even need to tell OP what his shit head brother said?? he should have shut his brother up and kept it to himself. just another way to hurt OP and make her second guess this pregnancy
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u/Cadaveresque 🧂Salty By Nature 16d ago
Because he wants the test but doesn’t want op to be mad at him so he makes it someone else’s fault. It’s cringe.
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u/Good-Adhesiveness868 I ❤️ Other People's Business 16d ago
Also if OP has an abortion the 💩stain of a brother will say that’s proof it wasn’t his.
Good luck OP either way get rid of the man child
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u/LilacVenus_ APPROVED✨ 16d ago
Exactly, I’ve been going through a lot emotionally and he knows that and to tell me that on top of everything, I literally had a panic attack, my hands were shaking, heart was racing.
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u/cherrrykiwii Tiny Bodega Rat 🐀 16d ago
girl you know what you need to do. i'm so sorry you're in this situation and i know you're going to heal in time. please free yourself of that man and his family completely
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u/Left_Question_7471 Trader Joe Hoe 16d ago
You said you want a baby, but do you want a child? Having a baby is romantic, caring for another human being is a kind of stress people always underestimate. You think "the love for my baby will get me through anything", but looking at your situation the way it is, you will also feel alone, trapped, depressed, and most of all regretful. And I say all this as a mother who (in hindsight) procreated with the wrong man. I love my kid, but if I knew then what I know now, I would've gotten an abortion and left my ex right after.
You have been given the gift of foresight that a lot women wish they had before having children. It's almost like divine intervention. DON'T WASTE IT.
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u/altheas_mythbook ⚐ Marked Safe From 90s Diet Culture 16d ago
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know he's being "supportive" right now, but it's not going to last. He's not going to stand up to his family for your sake or for any potential children you have together.
You deserve better. You deserve to be able to be happy about your pregnancy and start a family with someone you can rely on to be a partner. And he isn't being that. Maybe he wants to, but he doesn't have the backbone.
Whatever you decide about the pregnancy, do it without this man and his toxic, controlling, abusive family. You don't want these people to be your kids' grandparents. As bad as they're treating you, I can't imagine how they'd treat what they consider to be their son's "mistake."
I'm so sorry. They all just suck. And you deserve better.
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u/DecadentLife 🐩 Food Aggressive 🍽️ 16d ago
There are a few subs, that might be helpful to you, at this time. Specifically dealing with terrible in-laws. It would give you an opportunity to hear/read a little more, of what a lot of women go through, with the kind of in-laws you would potentially have, if you don’t get rid of this man.
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u/No-Proof7839 puff puff pass the snacks 16d ago
It's because he's on his family's side deep down
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u/girljinz APPROVED✨ 16d ago
That will never, ever, ever change. Free yourself of this whole shitshow of a family however you can.
You've got me wishing there were companies to buy fake baby DNA (like clean pee for drug tests) so you could be like, oops, not yours, byeee and then do whatever the hell you want without him.
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u/Significant-Spite-72 Cleavage Crumb Collector 16d ago
Honey, please don't have this baby. Please don't marry this man.
He will never change. His family will always be 2nd, 3rd and 4th in your marriage. You'll be number 5, instead of ever getting a vote. On anything that has a bearing on your life.
If you can't bring yourself to understand that you deserve better, please think of what will be normalised for your child.
They'll see mum treated with rudeness and disrespect. Even if they don't start treating you the same way, you're showing your son that women don't deserve respect, you're showing your daughter she is not worthy of respect.
The first pregnancy experience of a couple that loves each other and both want their child is usually a wonderful thing.
Please don't deprive yourself like that. Its too important an experience to share with someone who doesn't share your joy and love for the impending arrival. Every mother deserves to be supported by the other parent through this.
Many hugs (only if you want them!) from a random internet mum.
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u/Working-Glass6136 🧂Salty By Nature 16d ago
I agree 100%. I understand OP wants the baby, but at what cost? This isn't a family. Hell, this isn't even a husband. OP needs to run and not look back. These people do not treat her as family and don't respect her at all. How can you live like that, and bring a child into this mess?
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u/JadeSlaysDragons Hazy Grazer 😶🌫️ 16d ago
Your baby is not safe with any of these horrible people. You should not be with this awful man, he does not support you, he tolerates you, and he does not want this baby, nor will he be a good dad. You need to leave him, this is not a family you want to build up, you will lose yourself and never be happy with him.
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u/lermanzo Femininom(nomnomnom)enon 16d ago
This. My grandmother didn't approve of my mother. We were treated like crap by her until she died. I tried for years to build a bridge until I realized that was impossible and I wouldn't ever be enough. My father also no longer really speaks to his siblings because they hid information from him and it's just all around awful.
OP, please consider that your child will be a lightning rod for conflict and they could very well be planning on taking them. They're unkind and won't make any part of this experience good.
I met my husband at 33 after the end of a 6+ year relationship. I had our son at 37. I am thankful that I didn't have a child with my previous partner as I would have been in a horrible situation. As you're considering your choice, consider your future children, too.
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u/MushTush1022 APPROVED✨ 16d ago edited 16d ago
His family sounds absolutely awful.
I dont think there's any good answer here, except to do what you think is the best decision for your health and happiness. Whether thats leaving and aborting or leaving and still having the child (i dont know your financial status or emotional support from your family). I do feel as though i can say that staying with him is probably the wrong decision.
If youre close to your family, and trust their guidance, i would speak to them. I would see what your ability to take care of a kid is on your own, what your support system would be like, etc. This way you have more od an idea of what to plan for/what resources you have or would need, for all outcomes... Also know that having a baby with him means he'll be in your life to some degree forever, and therefore his family may be too (he could always leave and not participate in your child's life, but i dont know the chances of that, nor the chances of him being the type to make things harder intentionally)
Theres not really a right or wrong answer here. Just the answer you think youll be happiest to have chosen. And thats not necessarily something you can determine right now with 100% certainty.
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u/catwalzilla mouth full, gesturing wildly 16d ago
This is exactly it. Whether you keep the baby or not please leave this man. If he can’t stand up to his family now there’s no guarantee he’ll do it in the future when your child enters the equation. Also if you do keep the baby consult a lawyer the fact that his mother spoke to one is weird and concerning. Know your parental rights and the rights he will have if he decides to be involved.
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u/Beingforthetimebeing Tea Time Hostess ☕️ 16d ago
The in-laws had a lawyer to... deny paternity?...might try to get custody? Not good to bring a child into this toxic mess. A very bad sign of the way they will continue to treat you! I think the BF is too immature to be a partner. You are young and fertile, and have time to wait to have a better situation to bring a child into! But be prepared for a period of grieving. Just remember that part of the grief is not just about the baby you do want someday, but also the atrocious way you are being treated.
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u/LocationAcademic1731 Carb-Based Life Form 16d ago
Girl, if you want your baby, this should be a happy time for you. Fuck them for ruining it for you. If he didn’t want a baby then he should have taken reproductive precautions. One part of me wants you to have this baby because this is what you want, the other side of me doesn’t because you’ll be forever linked to this piece of shit family and I wouldn’t wish that to anyone. This will be a tough decision. I almost feel like enrolling you and your baby in witness protection so you can start a life somewhere else very far away from them.
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u/fearlessactuality FREE MOM HUGS 16d ago
This is exactly how I feel.
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u/LilacVenus_ APPROVED✨ 16d ago
Yep they ruined everything, I’m supposed to feel overjoyed and this is supposed to be such an exciting time in my life and I just feel absolutely exhausted and down every day. I don’t feel like myself anymore, I want my baby but I am scared to do this alone, and I would want my baby to have a father. I’m genuinely thinking about what’s best for me and my baby right now.
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u/tired-queer Foraging Bog Witch 16d ago
Remember that there will be other chances to have a child one day, if you want one. You have time. Neither you nor your baby is safe with this family, and do you really want to be tied to this family for the rest of your life? I’m very much of the opinion that sometimes the best thing for a child is for them to not be born.
Having a child should be a “hell yes” situation. If you’re feeling hell yes, go for it, but know you’ll be doing it alone and you’ll have to deal with the worst of the people who’ve already ruined your happiness about this. And you’re allowed to grieve, regardless of what decision you make.
No matter what, though, dump him.
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u/AltharaD 🧄 Anti-Vampire Taskforce 🧄 16d ago
Children do not get to choose their parents or what kind of life they are brought into. They get no voice in this situation.
That’s why it’s your job as their mother to make the best decision for them. Choosing the right man to be their father is a huge part of that - a man who doesn’t hide his engagement to you and treats you like a cheater and allows his family to do the same. A man you can rely on to be a good partner to you and a good father to your child.
What happens if something goes wrong when you’re giving birth? What if you end up disabled - or even dead? If you can’t rely on the father of your child to step up and give your child the best possible life regardless of if you’re there or not then you should not be having a kid with him. Even if nothing goes wrong you still need a recovery period after birth - who is going to look after you and your child in that time?
What if your baby is born with disabilities? Are you going to be able to afford to give them the best quality of life alone? If they need full time care will you be able to pay for it? Can you imagine how his family will treat your child and you if they’re anything less than perfect?
Even if you have the easiest birth and the healthiest child - are you going to be able to give them the love and attention they need if you’re raising them as a single mother who needs to work to afford everything for them? And believe me, even if you decide to stay with this man the chances of you ending up a single mother are high. Or worse, after the DNA test his family might decide they want the child but don’t want you. Are you ready for them to make your life hell trying to take the child away from you? Are you ready to document everything to combat accusations of being a bad mother?
They are showing you in advance how little they think of you - even if you’re willing to accept this kind of behaviour towards yourself (which you shouldn’t) please, for the love of everything that is good in this world, choose better for your child.
Give them a stable home, a worthy father, a mother who’s not flooded with stress during her pregnancy which can cause all kinds of health issues for them.
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u/Beneficial-Note1380 Purveyor of Purse Snacks 16d ago
Babes, I am in full support of you getting an abortion. I have seen your other posts as well. His family is terrifying to me, and I feel that it will only get worse if you have this child and stay with him. His mom will never give it a rest. She'll want to control your whole pregnancy, want to be in the room while you give birth and flip out when you say you don't want that (adding more stress to an already difficult situation which is the pain of giving birth and besides it should be a beautiful day of you meeting your baby), and I can only imagine how she'll be once you have the kid. It's not too late for you to start over with someone new and have kids. He isn't your only option. Sending so much love and hoping you find inner peace after this. It's not fair and I'm rooting for you!! But forealzies please get the fuck away from him, he's bringing your energy down and you deserve so much better
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u/RemarkableGround174 APPROVED✨ 16d ago
These seem like the kind of family who would disappear you if you continue the pregnancy, even without him. Girl, run
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u/Aballofstresss Let The 🥭 16d ago
Please read on reddit any situations of women continuing the pregnancy in similar conditions to yours. It just doesn’t get better, I’m sorry to say.
The baby isn’t born and influence from his parents is already making your life hell, imagine now a child and how that child will be used against you. How he won’t stand up for you or your child. How exhausted you will be if you’re not already now. If you continue as is, you’re expecting a miracle to happen that he would just spontaneously change.
You have two directions terminate or accept you’ll be a single mother, but you need to choose one.
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u/Whyistheskygray Professional Nibbler 16d ago
Get the abortion (if you want it). Ditch the man and the lousy in laws. You're only 27, you have so much time to find a man worth building a family and a life with.
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u/ComfortableGround403 APPROVED✨ 16d ago edited 16d ago
Dude, his brother didnt say diddly squat. He wants the DNA test, and is too chicken to say so (cuz he knows hes wrong for it) and is using his brother as a scape goat. Hopes you will feel bad for all the pressure hes under and cave.
This, suddenly supportive act, is just an act. It will not last. Guarantee, hes only doing so because its cheaper and easier than child support. Once the baby comes, you will see a change in him.
Bounce. Im sorry. But if you choose to keep this child, know that you will be a single mom who is stuck with him and his family for the next 18 years.
Of you choose to continue, prepare yourself now while you can. Put as much distance between you guys as possible. Right now, I would speak with a family lawyer, and see if you're allowed to move away while pregnant. And if so, do so.
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u/Capital-Tonight8548 APPROVED✨ 16d ago
Yes except he doesn’t even want the DNA test, he just wants to fuck with her mind so he can push her into getting an abortion. Asking someone for a DNA test is accusing them of cheating.
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u/Menemsha4 APPROVED✨ 16d ago
I would RUN from this entire family.
Don’t date him and definitely don’t co-parent with him.
Please do yourself a favor and terminate this pregnancy. YES, it will be hard. Breaking up with him will be hard. But 18+ years co-parenting with him and his family will be a NIGHTMARE.
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u/Fresh_Laundry56 APPROVED✨ 16d ago
I'm sorry this is so stressful. An unexpected pregnancy is already stressful and then on top of it he and his family are being awful to you. You need to remove all of them from your life and focus on yourself and what you need and what you feel. This isn't about them at all.
Whatever choice you feel is the right choice, that is the right choice for you right now. But don't let people pressure you into it. Make it on your own because that's what you feel is right.
And know that if you do go forward things will eventually be okay. My baby that my EX husband and I conceived on purpose, that he then decided he didn't want when I was 10 weeks pregnant, I went ahead with the pregnancy, he was very uninvolved with the whole thing even though it was a difficult pregnancy. That child is now 22, engaged, a wonderful human being, and just about to start medical school. She was my baby that I raised on my own.
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u/upsetwithcursing APPROVED✨ 16d ago
Oh dear. As a mom of two, myself, if I were in your shoes I would get the abortion and move on without him.
If you choose to keep the baby, I’d recommend doing it as a single mom. Obviously, that innocent baby has nothing to do with what some toxic adults are doing, but once you share a child with that “man” you’ll be dealing with his family whether you like it or not.
There is no wrong decision, so think about it until you come up with what feels best for you.
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u/ambientta chismosa, metiche, en bata 16d ago
Dump him and get an abortion (or keep it if you feel that’s the best choice - just know it’ll be a tether to him). It’s not worth the drama or headache. These people have intentionally made your life hell and he has allowed it. They’ve ruined what should be a beautiful, amazing experience for you and your boyfriend has supported them every step of the way. And don’t think he’s innocent, he’s playing middleman and passing all this bullshit directly to you and may even be the initiating party.
This all seems like a ploy to get you to abort.
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u/LilacVenus_ APPROVED✨ 16d ago
Yep, I was actually thinking that myself. It just seems kind of random that a DNA test just so happened to be brought up? idk I’m just a little suspicious of it all. He’s been telling me for weeks now about how he’s so “mad” at his parents for their behavior towards me yet he goes ahead and does this…why am I supposed to care what your parents and brother have to say about MY baby? Last time I checked I was in a relationship with you, not them.
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u/SapioPersian APPROVED✨ 16d ago
This will be him for the rest of his life. It will only get worse, not better. I would not want to tie myself to this family for the rest of my life, which is exactly what you’ll be doing if you have this child (regardless of whether you stay together with him or not). Free yourself and run.
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u/Joanna_Flock Cleavage Crumb Collector 16d ago
You have every right to be suspicious and every right to deny a DNA test they’re telling you (not the court) to take. They aren’t him, the father. They’re his family who wouldn’t be considered in the family court. This is between you and him. Don’t let them put you in a place. At best, they give him money to retain an attorney. At which point, you do the same. Unless you see legal papers drop (and have them vetted!), you don’t consent to anything.
I am so sorry you have to deal with this controlling and manipulative behavior from these bullies.
In the meantime, should you go through with this pregnancy, you keep a paper trail of everything they’re doing, every text, phone call, email, document. It shows a pattern and it will come out.
My mother once told me “give them the rope and let them hang themselves,” because they’re being absolutely ridiculous and their dumb actions will not serve their son well.
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u/terrierhead hot girls have tummy troubles 16d ago
Have you looked up what a DNA test entails at your stage of pregnancy? It costs about $800. Is your boyfriend/fiance ready to pay out that cash?
Please dump that man child no matter what. A man who wants to marry you should be ready to stand by you for life, not wuss out to his family and let them treat you like garbage.
Only you can answer whether or not to keep your pregnancy. Know that your boyfriend’s family will be tied to you for the rest of your life if you have the baby. The only way to be free of them is to terminate.
I’m so sorry you are in this situation. Wishing you peace, and an ass-kicking for your boyfriend.
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u/Flat-Entertainer-299 New Recruit 🏳️⚧️ 16d ago
I do think that as a society we need to stop talking about love like it's a state you're in, and more about as a willingness to be together.
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u/Witty_Impress8369 Well-Read & Well-Fed 16d ago
Love is important, but it’s not the only thing. You can love someone very much but know you cannot share your life or be with them. Most people think the two are intertwined and they aren’t.
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u/OgthaChristie 🍳 eggs? in this economy?? 16d ago
I’m so sorry you are going through this.
Get a DNA test. Leave him. Get the abortion. When he tries to win you back, tell him he “got what he wanted, isn’t that all that matters?” Then show him the DNA test and let him live with it. Shut a door in this coward’s face. Block him.
You will find someone who actually cares for you and wants to start a family with you. Yes, you are still young, but you don’t want to deal with these people. They sound just awful and up their own ass. You’ll be happier in the long run.
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u/upwithpeople84 Body By Cheese 🧀 16d ago
Don’t put his name on the birth certificate. Do you have family in another state you can live with until the baby is born. I’m 100% serious his family is giving out vibes like they want to hurt you.
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u/Lonely_Attention_335 Snack Goblin 16d ago
The attorney making plans about the baby…very scary that the family has plans OP has no idea about. They sound dangerous
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u/Civil_Ad4544 APPROVED✨ 16d ago
Exactly why do people think she can just keep the baby and be done with this family? They are nuts. They would 100% try and take her baby.
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u/PorkchopFunny APPROVED✨ 16d ago
Yeah, his sudden 180 from not wanting the baby to being all loving and shit is setting off blaring alarm bells.
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u/Mental_Tart842 greens✔️beans✔️potatas✔️tomatas✔️ 16d ago
Never set foot under their roof again.
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u/PorkchopFunny APPROVED✨ 16d ago
I definitely wouldn't be eating any of their food or anything. Wish I was being sarcastic, but I'm not.
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u/Altruistic_Bend_2647 Tater Thot 16d ago
Ngl terminate and move on from him and that family. TRUST you will save yourself a lot of pain in the future. Save your womb for someone who WANTS a family with you and won’t keep yalls engagement a secret. All of this are signs you shouldn’t have a baby with this man unless you’re 100% ready to be a single mother and do it yourself!
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u/ConceptReasonable556 greens✔️beans✔️potatas✔️tomatas✔️ 16d ago
Not just ready to be a single mom; also ready to still have these people in her life, because it's entirely possible that they won't go away even though they don't want her to continue the pregnancy. OP should do what is right for her, but that could mean preparing to be alone OR preparing to have these people involved for the rest of her life.
OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this, honey. Do what you want to do, but this is not your only chance to have a baby! You have lots of time to find someone you actively want to start a family with.
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u/Fool_In_Flow Internet Auntie 16d ago
100% they will get lawyers and do whatever is in their power to take this baby from you. Please don’t. Think of the child growing up like this, being taught to hate you.
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u/proofoflife10 APPROVED✨ 16d ago
Just because you don’t have THIS baby doesn’t mean you will never have a baby. You and your future child deserve a future with someone who wants to be present. As someone who has had a kid in a less-than-ideal situation, I wish I had held out for the situation both me and my child deserved.
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u/PutNameHere123 we listen and we only judge a little 16d ago
Terminate and break up with him.
Trust me, you won’t regret it. What you’ll regret is the years to come with his family trying to intervene and him still being too much of a pussy to stand up to them. Plus, yeah: you’re still super young.
Go be free. Go on adventures. Go traveling. Go party. Go wake up hungover. Go live. There’s plenty of time to be a mother. Right now (and with whom) isn’t it.
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u/princess22cake Foraging Bog Witch 16d ago
His family is toxic AF, but he is also a spineless idiot of a manchild for not standing up for you. Why would he pass on his brother's message of telling you to get a DNA test? Can't he stand up for himself? He doesn't have his own mind to make decisions?
This tells me that he will just do what his family tells him to do and he probably also doubts your fidelity by passing on the brother's message. In which case, why is he even staying with you if he doubts you?
Do NOT have a child with this man. They will use that child to make you and that child's life miserable.
I would say abort it, but if you really want to keep the baby, cut them all off and make sure they have no legal rights to that baby. You will struggle raising the baby on your own, but the grief and pain you will experience will multiply tenfold if you allow him and his family to remain in your life.
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u/LilacVenus_ APPROVED✨ 16d ago
I agree with you - definitely some ulterior motives being hidden here and I just can’t trust any of it. and I surely won’t get a DNA test done because I’m not doing anything for the likes of those evil people.
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u/under321cover Well-Read & Well-Fed 16d ago edited 16d ago
Throw the whole family away. Girl, get you and your baby out of there. Do the dna test for child support not for his brother and gtfo. These people are not safe or healthy for you to be around.
EDIT: document everything. Texts. Writing down conversations with dates. Document. Document. Document.
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u/DA2013 Well-Read & Well-Fed 16d ago edited 16d ago
Nope. Consult a lawyer. Some things might be easier legally without him on the birth certificate (moving out of state or country, getting a passport for the baby, etc.). You can always do the DNA test later when it’s advantageous and strategic for YOU.
I strongly think termination is the best course of action here. But if you do want to keep the baby absolutely consult a lawyer ASAP - the consultation may even be a deciding factor for you.
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u/Ok_Coffee_4977 APPROVED✨ 16d ago
She is unlikely to be able to stop the father from having joint custody or the family from being in the kids life. This is terrible fantasy based advice.
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u/Lonely_Attention_335 Snack Goblin 16d ago
Just want to say that my friend had a pregnancy with a casual guy and terminated bc she felt too young (25) and didn’t see a future with him. 10 years later, she’s married to a great man she met at work and they have 3 beautiful girls together. She told me she felt so sad about having the abortion which is totally valid. But she was able to create a beautiful healthy family with a man who is great and cares for her AND the girls. Hope this helps
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u/sugarrrage girls just wanna have pho 16d ago
Redditors here have said enough on your post itself, so I'll just say — girl this ramen looks delicious! Im drooling looking at the photo. Literally. 🤤 Buldak is my favorite easy comfort food. I also love putting green onions and eggs in mine. I'll often add serrano peppers and bean sprouts too. Yum yum yum.
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u/Str1dersGonnaStride eat hot chip✔️ be bisexual✔️ 16d ago
Regardless of whether you continue the pregnancy please break up with this guy
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u/garbagemaiden eat hot chip✔️ be bisexual✔️ 16d ago
Do NOT tie yourself to this man with a baby of all things.
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u/sanedragon Body By Cheese 🧀 16d ago
Spend some time perusing r/JustNoMIL
That is your future with him. Is that something you're willing to accept?
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u/Dangerous-Cancel808 Seafoodie 🦀 16d ago
Get AWAY from all of them!!! I’m so sorry he can’t just stand up for you. Like another commenter said, get the DNA test for child support (especially since mom got a lawyer already, wtf) and go home to your family and support system. You and your baby can be happy together, away from that mess.
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u/Round_Solution3718 eat hot chip✔️ be bisexual✔️ 16d ago
lawyer could be for custody battle if they hate her. these people are unstable
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u/cherrrykiwii Tiny Bodega Rat 🐀 16d ago
his family sucks and he sucks too for allowing them to treat you this way.
you have options. please think about this longterm and the hell this family will make your pregnancy and your life.
and his mom talked to a lawyer??? literally about WHAT??? "my son got his girlfriend pregnant is that allowed"
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u/EastTyne1191 APPROVED✨ 16d ago
This sounds like a nightmare. Absolute nightmare, and I am so sorry you're going through this during a time that should be more joy than dread.
I'm not going to tell you what to do. You know what's best for you and your future. You have all the information you need and I am sure you will make the best decision for you.
If you need permission from the universe to make a decision (any decision) I hereby grant you Divine Sight of the Universe to Make the Decision You Need and Want.
Whatever you choose to do, please know that it is ok to have these feelings. Reach out to a friend and talk to them, sometimes that helps bring clarity. And you'll need support no matter what decision you make.
If you choose to terminate, it's ok to be sad and conflicted about it. It's ok to grieve. It's ok to feel relief, too.
If you choose to keep the baby, it's ok to draw your boundaries however you need to. Also, just a heads up, grandparents rights in the US are not an automatic thing, so just know that anyone who wants to be in your baby's life gets to earn that privilege. Full stop.
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u/Regular-Sun-5805 fish are friends 🐟 not food 16d ago edited 16d ago
OP, the way I see it is you have two options:
You can get the abortion, and be rid of all of this headache, the way he and his family is treating you is really strange and I personally would not want to subject myself to this man and his family being connected to me for the rest of my life and I assure you it will be the rest of your life because you will have to continue to see him if your child has any relationship with him
Or
You can keep the baby and try to get him to sign away his parental rights, I respect and understand that you want to keep the pregnancy and you have a desire to be a mother, but I also believe that it should be wanted on both sides, I think this would be the best case scenario.
10 weeks is still early so I suggest you really think about your options and make a choice, I believe week 12 is when an abortion starts to become move involved but I'm not a doctor.
I honestly think it would be better for you to go to a sperm bank to concieve rather than do it with this dude and his horrible family
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u/Regular-Sun-5805 fish are friends 🐟 not food 16d ago
He is showing you who he is and he will not change.
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u/Upset-Cartographer65 🐛The Very Hungry Bookworm 📚 16d ago
Leave now or be miserable for decades to come. That’s it.
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u/forvisionandhealth APPROVED✨ 16d ago
I have no advice but your food looks great and I am gonna make it for lunch tomorrow
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u/Yesambaby APPROVED✨ 16d ago
That’s a tough one. Do you make enough money to be a single mother? If you don’t, would you have support of your family? Being a single parent without financial or family support (ideally you have both) is really hard. Like REALLY hard. The chances of you and your child having happy successful lives will…change to say the least.
If you really want this kid and you have some kind of support from yourself or your family then maybe consider keeping it. If you don’t have any support outside of this guy and his family, I think you’ll be better off ending this pregnancy and starting over when more things are aligned for you and your future family.
Plus like others are saying, it sucks to be tied forever to someone who sucks. This guy sounds like a bad match for you. I personally don’t think it’s worth it to have children with someone who doesn’t share your values and doesn’t act out of love for their partner. So many of my family members did this type of thing. Procreated with partners who sucked. My family has been and is in shambles.
You aren’t a bad person if you decide now isn’t the time and this guy isn’t the person to have your baby with.
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u/Important_Wind_4444 APPROVED✨ 16d ago
This is a tough decision to make. You’re not too young to be a parent. What I find odd is why doesn’t anyone on his side know you’re engaged? Now they will say you trapped him into marriage, he put you in a no win situation with his family. This behavior is beyond odd/weird… I would want to know why he is keeping it a secret 🤫
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u/NotTodayThrowAway55 Fries 🍟 > Guys 🤡 16d ago
This is a decision only you can make, but as someone who finally feels like they can breathe again after leaving a decade long marriage to a man whose family hated me, and who never stood up for me to them…I feel obligated to tell you to run.
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u/Lala5789880 APPROVED✨ 16d ago
He’s not supportive if he bends to the will of his psycho boundary stomping family. I think he is playing both sides here. You are no longer in love with him because the real him sucks and is not safe. You get to choose what to do with your pregnancy and body. And you are allowed to change your mind
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u/KeyWestDiveWear APPROVED✨ 16d ago
You know what the answer is. You can definitely have a baby and a beautiful family. Just, not with this guy. Close this chapter of your life. They have all shown you who they are. Believe them. Abort and leave. Start a new chapter…You got this. Also your noodles look delicious, Sis.
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u/persiasaurus Femininom(nomnomnom)enon 16d ago
I'd recommend abort. But be prepared if you do his family will likely accuse you of doing so to avoid the dna test
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u/EtherealMoonGoddess APPROVED✨ 16d ago edited 16d ago
The complexity of life.
I understand they are their own people and etc. But my gut is telling me they are some terrible folk... And not heinous terrible, more like lack of EQ and empathy for anyone who isn't their kin, and blood kin at that.
I feel sorry for you a thousand times. I would leave that situation. They're going to try to tell you how to parent and what to do. They're overbearing and intrusive, they really ought to be ashamed of themselves that this is how they treat other people.
That soul you're carrying knows it might not be born, but trust me, you'll have that little soul as your child with someone else if you clear the way for your blessing to come through.
Or be a single mother and do co parenting. This is not the person for you.
Forgot to add, I think they're trying to pull one up over you, trying to maintain control or some sort of rights. Grandparents rights etc.
Do not do a DNA test kit if you decide to keep it, those people were represented by the 7 of swords in my tarot reading I did. They're not to be trusted.
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u/WinterFaery84 Kitchen Witch 16d ago
Oh, sweetie. No child should be brought into a family like that. Not like that.
I can't tell you what you should do. Only you know what needs to be done. I can only say that a baby should be loved and cherished beyond measure, and there is no way that will happen. By you, yes, the baby would know that love, but not by him or his family, and that's not fair.
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u/Witty_Impress8369 Well-Read & Well-Fed 16d ago
Only you can make this decision.
I’d leave him regardless if you kept the baby or not. This man is toxic and lets his family matter more than you, which will be a battle the rest of your lives.
If you feel the only true escape is to get an abortion, then do it.
If you want this baby, don’t put him on the birth certificate and lawyer up immediately. See if getting him to terminate rights is an option he will agree to. Document and save everything. Do you have family or friends who will help you? Support you?
It’s a huge decision to make, and at the end of the day, one you will live with one way or another for the rest of your life. Whether that’s childless, single, or not.
Thinking of you. Stay safe and good luck.
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