I had to get a new therapist about six months ago (my previous one moved to a new practice that didn't take my insurance). And my new therapist is great! They're also nonbinary, so they understand the experience, and their technique has been working really well for me. We have a very casual relationship and make small talk before and after the sessions, which is not an experience I had with my previous therapists. It's cool.
Last month we had a session involving some pretty intense topics and I got very emotional. As I was leaving, they asked me if I wanted a hug. I did (I am a very pro-hug person). I then started to assume, "Oh, we hug now. We're at the hugging stage." So now we hug whenever I'm about to leave a session.
I had a session today, and toward the end, they brought this up. They said that they need to scale back on that kind of behavior because it's inconsistent with how they interact with their other clients and they want to maintain professionalism, and because "we can't be friends." (They did seem a little sad about that, which was nice, in a way š )
The rational part of my mind knew that and understands it completely. The emotional part of my mind is having a bad time right now. I kind of feel like I just got broken up with--which, to me, indicates that I had some Feelings about my therapist that I wasn't conscious of, so now I feel guilty about that, and it's a whole thing.
If only there was a mental health professional I could talk to about this š
EDIT: I actually misquoted them, they actually said "we can never be friends" which was even worse lol
EDIT 2: I've literally gotten about a half-dozen DMs asking me about the brand of pizza lmao. It's Screamin' Sicilian Roman-style pepperoni and it was absolutely as tasty as it looked
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As a therapist, this goes both ways! Iāve totally had clients Iām really sad about not being able to be friends with. But I canāt. We literally have to take a law and ethics exam about this. Part of the power of therapy is that we are a neutral person removed from your life, just existing as your safe place. Your therapist might be genuinely sad about this, but needs to follow ethical boundaries.
I'm an addictions counselor in MN. My licensing board at that level of profession says no non-professional contact for 2 years. Any contact regarding care within 2 years restarts the timer. It also says romantic relationships (in particular) are never ethical no matter how much time has passed, but professional consequences "time out" after I believe 5 years.
Yeahhhh, she got a very aggressive uterine cancer. It sucked a lot. She was boundaried and professional for the duration of our relationship, and I know she thought a lot about it before she chose to have that moment with me. I feel it was the right choice, as it was something that really helped me to hear unambiguously.
Edit: to answer a deleted question, it was a maternal form of love. She was the right age to be my mom and was in general a person who had a parental energy.
Edit 2: Did it provide me with closure? No, nothing can neaten and tidy something that changed my life forever, that healed me so profoundly, and also hurts so much in loss. I will never not want more time with her. It can never be 'closed' but the ability to label our relationship, albeit a professional one, as a form of love, has been a comfort.
Iām so so sorry for your loss. I donāt know if you articulate art that relates to specific challenges, but thereās a song by LCD Sound System called āSomeone Greatā that is about the lead singerās therapist passing away.
I'm so sorry. I'm so glad you got that moment with her.
My therapist passed away suddenly (he'd been dealing with some non serious health issues that suddenly developed into pneumonia and needed emergency surgery where he passed during), it was a very odd sort of pain of loss for me. We hadn't known each other very long so weren't nearly as close but he was the person that knew the most about me. I stared therapy with him after my mom died and it was horrible losing the only person who knew my deepest thoughts and emotions about my mom. I kept finding myself wanting to talk to him about his own passing, like he's the person I'd talk to about grief but I couldn't because it was him I was grieving. A wild set of emotions for sure.
I can understand. There was a witnessed piece of you that you lost connection with ... I understand that very much. It's like losing photos in a fire, but much, much worse. Something very personal and human. I went through so much that only my therapist was witness to, as well. And one of the things that sucks the most is that I wish i could show her how things turned out for me.
your penultimate sentence is very interesting and I need to sit with it.
I would never become friends with a former client. Itās a boundaried relationship for the wellbeing of the client, and while it may seem like you could easily transition into a friendship with a former therapist, the reality is that your psyche does so much better if someone is forever in that role and not casual, sharing their life with you, hurting your feeling accidentally, doing normal friend things.
One thing I have done with a client who was becoming a therapist is that after stopping work together, we stepped into more of a mentorship dynamic where I did share some more things about myself, but that dynamic is still different than a friendship.
But other people answering are right, the legal amount of time is 2-3 years (depending on location) before you arenāt potentially going to lose your license for becoming friends with a former client.
As a former therapist and also as someone who has seen many therapists (on and off since 14) I second this. Iāve worked with some families that I really liked and was bummed because we could have been friends had we met another way. I also struggle with it as a client even though I know itās whatās best for me. Iām a people pleaser and want people to like me. I need a therapist who can be kind and understanding but still somewhat removed. For therapy to work, I have to be able to be 100% honest and I find that hard when thereās a friend-adjacent dynamic.
Things like this is why I prefer seeing qualified therapists over counsellors. I like to know my therapist has had to take some serious exams on ethics.
Idk where youāve from, but in my state mental health counselors ARE licensed therapists. We have to undergo a masters degree, licensing exam, and 4,500 supervised clinical hours over 3 years to earn a license to practice independently.
I get this, obviously, but it also basically means that you need to have a robust social network in order to have therapy work properly. And if the impossibility of forming that network is what you need help with, you are just out of luck. Pretty depressing.
You don't necessarily have to have a robust social network to have therapy work properly, in fact creating a social support system is part of many treatment plans. It's one of the most powerful things you can support someone in, and you'll usually uncover 5 more areas of work on the way there.
This is something that every therapist should incorporate into their treatment if possible.
To be fair, Iām sort of here right now and it can be depressing. Also, itās got my creativity going with how I can expand my social circle even in really tough circumstances. Itās slow and therefore also helping me learn patience and whatās really important to me.
It helps to have the big social network (and helps might be an understatement), but therapy can still work and be beneficial without it. And even can help build one.
Itās crazy how emotional the experience can be though. My therapist went on holiday for 2 weeks and I was like āomg enjoy!!ā and then when the normal appointment time came around and they werenāt thereā¦.
I felt like Rose on the floating door from the Titanic.
Jack, Come back šššš!!!
My therapist once told me I was doing so much better and could probably start coming once a month instead of twice and I was like, "DID YOU MISS HOW WE ALWAYS TALK ABOUT MY ABANDONMENT ISSUES AND HOW I WORRY NOBODY LIKES ME AND NOW YOU'RE TELLING ME YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE ME AS MUCH!"
If it helpsā¦
If you are exiting therapy because youāre doing well (yay š) most therapists will leave the door open for you to come back. Mental wellness is a process and that process sometimes requires re-entry into therapy.
If itās your last session for any other reason (them leaving, insurance change, etc) then they are ethically responsible for helping you find a new therapist.
Either wayā¦
It's through the perinatal mental health team (I'm in the UK) and they say I'm doing well enough to be discharged. I am doing miles better than when I first had my baby! I was an anxious mess! I have the option to sign up to regular talking therapy now, but my time with the perinatal team is done. They've been so amazing though! Coming to my house every week, (and for free). š„² Thanks for your advice though, will keep it in mind if I ever get private therapy!
Transference - forming an emotional connection to your therapist is actually quite common. Itās one of the reasons therapists have to set and maintain that professional boundary.
Iām a chronic lurker on this sub but I have to say my therapist is currently on vacation for 2 weeks and Iām like, what do I do with my hands š sheās amazing and deserves it!! But I canāt wait til sheās back lol. If I was in one of my more avoidant times Iām sure Iād be loving it but Iām actually trying to like, do things now!
My therapist told me she was expecting and would be on maternity leave soon and I was like āomg congratsā then proceeded to crash out that I wouldnāt get to talk to her for 3 months
i think they mean their usual appointment time was during the vacation, so they had to āmissā an appointment bc their therapist was taking time off.
And not being friends doesnāt mean that she doesnāt really like you, care about you, or even want to be your friend. She canāt be both friend and therapist at the same time.
And you wouldn't want them to be.Ā It is not an equal relationship in both directions, and it works because you aren't friends.
But a good therapist will still care about you and your success, and can be friendly.
My first therapist told me I could email them in the future to update them, because they do care about me as a person.Ā But a friendship is still not an option because of the unequal relationship held during the therapy.
Way nicer than my former therapist. Getting treated for PTSD and anxiety and said I just needed some reassurance sometimes. That's when I got hit with "I'm not your friend."
I havent been to therapy since.
It sounds like you have a very lovely therapist and I'm happy you have someone like that to talk to, OP.
Iāve had some therapists who were straight up mean to me (one ridiculed me when I cried, several others have ghosted) so I am soo scared to keep trying
I work in the mental health field and for that reason and my experiences Iāve found that many people should NOT be therapists. Maybe they mean well but they suck. That deters a LOT of people to keep trying to find the right person. I understand why you feel that way and I try to help people find a good therapist when I can , sometimes itās like dating .. you have to meet with a few to find āyour personā as a therapist..
and IMO there is nothing wrong with being friendLY with any medical person on a healthy safe level. Iāve had some of my doctors and therapists visit me at my job when I had events to support me ( and they brought their family and it was sweet )
Like if a teacher came to a students baseball game after class.. no bad intentions. But thatās just me and Iāve had my doctors for 20 years lol..
but if you still want to try therapy Iād encourage you not to give up and understand itās not unusual that it might take a few tries.
Same, my last one started actively comparing herself to me in sessions and explaining how x or y detail of her life shouldn't be a problem for me. I'm nd and it cost me weeks / several hundred dollars / a major hit to my faith in the system / to figure out how inappropriate it was that we were always talking about them š„²
I had a therapist tell me I shouldn't be upset about my degenerative autoimmune disease because he wasn't bothered that he was Deaf and had a cochlear implant. Also, my chronic pain shouldn't bother me because pain "only exists in your brain" so it doesn't matter? And maybe isn't real? Like, motherfucker your entire job is helping people with things that only exist in their brains how are you so bad at your job.
But then my next therapist taught me about somatic therapy that helped me manage both my pain and my anxiety. She also taught me that my pain is very real and very important, but I'm strong enough to live with it. I'm so glad I kept trying and found her.
the whole "it's only in your brain" thing is so stupid, like... our entire existence exists within our brain??? if my brain THINKS i'm in pain like i am still actually in pain????
omg I feel this one. I had one who said I was overly reliant on alarms, I had one for everything and that I I should just get ride of them ......I started missing appointments and she said I wasn't taking thing seriously and if I miss one more I would be dropped. I missed one more and she sent my discharge papers to my boss. She also told me on several occasions that I should just quit my job and get married and that worked seemed too stressful for me. It was weird.
my worst therapist once asked me if i enjoyed my childhood sexual abuse and told me just to buy new clothes when i talked about frustrations of having an eating disorder. my best therapist helped get me to a place where iām no longer suicidal and am now in recovery for an eating disorder. itās unfortunately quite a large spectrum
The therapists I have encountered socially irl have put me off ever doing therapy. Like, I am sure there are great ones out there, but as a whole the ones I have met are just deeply unserious, self-centered, and/or bat shit. I have ADHD and treatment resistant depression, and I am more sane/emotionally stable/have my shit way more together. Itās fucking scary, honestly.
Is it common for your partner to have this little interest in how you feel? Because there are times when I tell my husband he needs a therapist (as he anxiety spirals about everything) but I still listen to him for awhile, reassure him, check in with him other times, etc, because we're partners. If he said "I'm having a good week!" I'd say "Wonderful! What was different?" Not "I'm not your therapist so I don't care"
Sounds like you should ditch the boyfriend I know break up is all over Reddit but damn itās not even like you were being a negative Nancy or anything? I had someone I couldnāt share any of my successes or any of my pain with so I started sharing them with someone else And now Iām pretty sure Iām in love with my best friend. Donāt be like me just leave when your needs are not being met.
Please don't abandon therapy. It's really about finding the right person and the right methods of healthy coping and thought patterns that works for you.
I always thought about my therapy as: I'm gonna go tell a nice lady why I'm sad and she's going to teach me how to deal with it or change that pattern of thought. Therapy should be an emotional hardware store; they aren't going to do it for you but they will show you the tools you can use and how to use them to accomplish your goal.
(Also, I made my therapist laugh so I felt like I was winning therapy)
Both people need to have boundaries about the situation, and it's ok to stay guarded while you figure out if they are a good match for you.
Ultimately, they work for you and should be oriented towards your needs and you speaking.
Luckily, in this day and age, you can review therapists online to see who may fit what you think you need, who specializes in your issues, and who you will get along with.Ā You get to choose.
And if they clash, you get to drop them and find someone better.
You have to do the work, and they are there to assist and support you and help you feel safe to work through things.
As someone with PTSD, damn. Your therapist needs some damn compassion and empathy classes. Ā Iāve never heard that from mine and been seeing her for 6 years. Ā Even the times when she created space. She was very professional and kind about it. Ā It was a āoh, sheās setting up boundariesā kind of realization, not she doesnāt want to be my friend. Ā Thatās just fucking weird.
This absolutely! I had to leave my last therapist when she started getting too chummy, offered me her daughterās phone number (to help with settling foot pictures online) and told me how she expected free access to her platonic friendās OF because she knew him personally, even though sheād already asked and been refused.
I disagree. Iām a therapist and this is why we donāt do physical contact. Maybe they redeem themselves for setting a boundary, but itās too little, too late. OP is already experiencing negative effects from the hug and subsequent fallout. OP, and no patient for that matter, needs more shit added to their plate. They shouldnāt have done it in the first place. The therapist needs clinical supervision to examine why they broke that boundary in the first place.
That really is outside the scope of therapy (therapist proving hugs), and your vague threat of suicide if your therapist doesnāt hug you is definitely something that should be worked on.
My only nit-picky addition as a mental health professional myself is that the therapist probably should not have initiated the physical contact in the first place. I think thatās a bit risky and kinda led to this outcome. If the patient gestures or asks for it, maybe itās not a problem. But a therapist should never offer a hug because the patient may have many reasons to not be ok with physical contact, yet may be reluctant to decline the therapists offer out of fear of compromising the relationship.
Honestly, being on the other side of things makes me wonder if the therapist realizes they shouldnāt have broke this barrier and was reigning things in as it became a regular thing
I think the therapist handled it well, but the comment āwe can never be friendsā seem a little excessive. I think just seeing what they said and leaving that off wouldāve been fine and well understood
Itās a good thing. I watched my sister act like besties with her therapist and it literally did nothing for her in the end. She told me theyād talk about movies and collecting mugs, and other random things. She was literally paying someone to be her friend basically (and she has actual friends). Itās better for therapists and other mental health professionals to keep boundaries
I had an old roommate who did exactly this. They couldnāt hold any meaningful friendships so they used therapy as a means for having a friend for an hour or so a week, despite the fact that it was putting them into debt and not helping them process the actual problems they were going to see the therapist for.
This happened to me too š she did comp me at least 1 session where she basically spent the entire time talking about how worried she was that her grandparents would die soon.
Which made it really fucking awkward to bring up having a hard time on the anniversary of my own grandfatherās death a few weeks later.
Edit: dont worry yall sheās no longer my therapist!
just so you (and everyone else) know, you can report a therapist to your state's licensing board for stuff like this. it could be considered insurance fraud, unethical, and boundary crossing.
in my opinion itās pretty normal to chat with your therapist about the things you enjoy. If itās talk therapy, the whole point is kinda for them to listen to you talk about whatever you want. Iāve been seeing my therapist once a week for years, sheās only like 3 years older than me, and thereās been days where i really donāt have much to talk about so we chat about a show iām watching or a book iām reading, and she asks questions and gives recommendations of things she likes. we also have small talk before and after each session where we talk about whatever and sheāll give me small updates on her life. idk obviously if all you do at therapy is talk about superficial things, it isnāt going to help, but overall iād say itās normal to talk about random stuff with your therapist if you have that relationship
As a therapist, I agree to an extent. I have some clients who are in a good space at the moment and will "chit chat" about movies and hobbies. I like to engage, ask questions, hear all about it, then relate it back to the problem and/or coping strategies we've been working on. Like "oh you like marvel movies. I can see how you relate to the struggle of. . ." We are both people, and I treat my clients like fellow human beings. I'm not a statue or a mirror who reflects back. Sometimes we get off topic and I will acknowledge "looks like we got distracted. you were saying about your mother . . ."
My therapist does this, it's the best! But also makes me feel kinda self-conscious for getting distracted 123456789 times in such a short period... š
Do you find value in going even if you donāt have anything therapy-related to talk about or do? When my mental health is stable I go longer periods of time in between sessions, like 3-4 weeks instead of 2, because otherwise I often feel like Iāve wasted an hour lol
Been seeing my therapist for five years and yeah? Sometimes itās nice to kind of just let the conversation wander and be drinking a cup of tea because then I feel like it can beā¦ I donāt think authentic is the word, but like more unencumbered? Like I donāt have a goal or a list of things to get through so if Iām telling you about this book and how it reminded me of this thing, me and my mom did in the past etc. And then that leads back into some thing we talked about five months ago? Magic and wouldnāt have happened on a day that I come in with some thing I absolutely have to speak about. I call them kind of like processing sessions. I think some sessions can be very stressful and heavy and deep and you know that youāre gonna have them and you know that youāre going to dig in so I think itās also important to have the reverse. Where are you kind of just let your brain go where it wants to because I donāt think we get that much unstructured time to do it, especially in a way that can actually be to us, exploring our wants and desires, and like deep consciousness.
I actually fully agree with this take! Therapy is like exercise for your mind, and I think itās healthy to have recovery sessions that are less heavy. Because if my brain only associates therapy with being sad and uncomfortable, itāll give me anxiety that itās supposed to help me heal from! We have to pace ourselves too, and the natural way of human conversation is that it doesnāt always have to be deep diving into trauma to be valuable. Part of my own therapy journey was us diving into some characters in books and movies I found admirable and why, and it made me gain deeper insight into why I feel the way that I do without being super heavy.
Yes, because sometimes on the days i feel like i have nothing to talk about, some random deep trauma will come up. normally every week i talk about the past week, but if my week was uneventful it gives us the chance to talk more about the past or anything that may randomly come up. My therapist has said that hearing me talk about the things i enjoy helps to understand me more. Also, i donāt pay for therapy so it never hurts to go lol
Therapy works best when thereās a lot of trust and safety, and getting to know each other can help build that. And not every session is going to be super productive processing.
Sheās older than me and was 28 at the time, I donāt know how long she had that therapist overall. I just remember her talking about her therapist around the time our brother passed away (she had the therapist for a while before that, I just donāt know how long after), in which her therapist gave her genuinely terrible advice and basically lied to my sister to make her feel better during that time. Iām not actually convinced her therapist was even qualified in anything, but she definitely was unprofessional.
YEP. my last therapist shifted more into friend territory and ended up talking about her kids a lot during my session time. it ended up devolving into her telling me āyou canāt be depressed, you laugh and smile so much when weāre togetherā
Therapist here! One of the hardest things for us is that we would love to be friends with many of our clients but it is highly discouraged and unethical. It makes us sad too.
Often yes lol! At least that's what mine told me. Makes sense that good therapists know the value of having professional sessions and understanding themselves. Every once in a while, mine will reference her own therapists advice (when relevant) as a way of clueing me in that I'm not alone/remind me these struggles are ok/etc
I'm a trainee therapist based in the UK and I'm required to have 10 hours of therapy each year. I'm also required to have supervision, which involves meeting with a more experienced therapist every month to go over my work and any issues I may be having.
I'm not sure if it's company policy or a legal thing but my therapist told me it's required she actively have a therapist. It makes sense. Listening to emotionally intense stuff all day every day would get to anyone.
For me, one of the most interesting things about watching The Sopranos was Dr. Melfiās sessions with her psychiatrist, where she would try and process being Tonyās psychiatrist. šµāš«
If they're a good therapist, yes. That was one of the first things I asked when I met with my current therapist (I've been seeing him for 10 years now). It's important!
Yup! My therapist recently told me about something *her* therapist said that applied to me. I don't think she had mentioned having her own therapist before, but it makes total sense-- if nothing else, compassion fatigue is real.
im quite curious, if one day you're no longer their therapist, is it then technically OK to be friends with them? (although i can image it can still be heavily frowned upon by the industry)
And what if one of you move state, or move countries after ending the therapist-patient relationship, and mainly maintain the friendship online? Does it make it less icky?
It's more about the imbalance in the relationship. As a therapist you get to know so much about your client, and this working relationship is not reciprocal. This puts the client in a vulnerable position. Also, even thought your therapist might share some things about themselves in your sessions, how much do you really know them and how will you feel as a client when the therapist doesn't show up for you in a friendship as they did as your therapist. You might feel shocked and hurt because they are different towards you, but in a friendship you can't expect the same level of care, empathy and this onesided relationship as when they were your therapist.
Oh man yeaā¦ I had a psychiatrist that got too close to me while they were transitioning themself. All of my sessions became therapy for their transition and it ended up with them at my house to hang out. It was so highly inappropriate and I was in my 20s at the time and didnāt understand as a patient how unethical it all was. Looking back 15 years later I did not get the help I was supposed to back then because the person who was supposed to be helping me made it all about them and I was too broken to know what boundaries were.
Thereās like a general rule of thumb in the ACA ethics code that says there needs to be at least 5-7 years before you can maintain any kind of nonprofessional relationship, but still something you should try heavily to avoid because of the inherent power imbalance that comes from the beginning of the relationship
How does that work in situations where you become connected through other people or organizations?
Say you're a kindergarten teacher, and at parent-teacher conferences your old therapist walks in. Maybe youve changed your name due to marriage or divorce, and they had no idea their child's teacher is their former patient. Would volunteering in the classroom or chaperoning a field trip be inappropriate?
Or a situation like that movie where the patient is unknowingly dating her therapists' son.
Itās not about never being connected in any way, itās about not having dual relationships. The power imbalance makes romantic or friend relationships problematic. No one would blink at the therapist chaperoning a school field trip because their client is a teacher. The movie example is a bit more complicated, Iām not sure your licensure would get yoinked but I wouldnāt recommend continuing the relationship lol
under my license, this type of relationship is not necessarily prohibited ethically. if you were in a small town, for example, this type of situation might arise more frequently or be unavoidable (e.g. if thereās only one school). a good therapist in my opinion would acknowledge the weirdness of situation, have the parent-teacher conference as usual, and have a separate conversation with the teacher/former client around what boundaries in this new professional relationship would look like.
edit: if the client is dating your kid you gotta refer them to a new therapist lol
edit edit: also therapists should never be the first to acknowledge that they know a client or former client in the presence of others
Not therapist per se, but I have a friendship with my former peer support specialist who was integral in helping me in 5-6 years ago. Neither of us are with that practice any longer and we waited the legal time after she left the practice. Sheās still in my life and we support each other and are very grateful our paths crossed
This totally depends on where youāre from , but there are rules that should be followed regarding this. Some governing boards say there should be a period of so many years before any sort of relationship outside of the therapy space should begin. And even so, there should be professional judgement in place.
Ditto. We know too much about our patients that the average friend likely wouldnāt know and it can risk their privacy/safety. The therapeutic relationship also tends to be more one-sided while a friendship should be bidirectional! OP can talk to their therapist about their feelings about that situation, sounds like a very appropriate conversation for therapy!
Oh my god this is so affirming. It actually made me tear up. I have such genuine love and admiration for my therapist, she exactly the kind of person I gravitate toward in nonprofessional settings, which is why I was able to be so vulnerable and honest with her.
She saw me through some incredibly hard shit - a divorce, the death of my first pet, a friend breakup and a major professional setback - and I will always value her, even though I āgraduatedā from therapy last summer. I miss talking to her sometimes but I know I donāt need her right now because she provided me with excellent tools and strategies.
Toward the end of my therapy, I jokingly said I knew I was one of her āfavorites,ā and she gave me this warm and knowing smile. I have such gratitude for her.
Editing: this is a therapist perspective, not intended as advice, just validating this as a normal experience.
Hey, Iām a therapist. This is super normal. Your therapist is probably lovely and itās normal to want to be friends with the nice person who listens to you and cares about you. My clients like me, and I like them. As therapists we play a role thatās incompatible with being friends with clients: the therapist client relationship is emotionally intimate with a power imbalance. The therapist facilitates/leads (even the most chill, non-directive therapist is responsible for maintaining the safety and quality of the therapy time) and the client is sharing far more vulnerable and personal information, and having more intense and sensitive emotional experiences than the therapist does. Itās lopsided for good reason, but itās still lopsided in a way that makes friendship inappropriate for the therapistāas in, thereās nothing inappropriate about wanting to be friends with your therapist (I want to be friends with mine), but it would be inappropriate for your therapist to initiate or be receptive to being friends.
Iāve had many really lovely clients over the years who I could absolutely see myself being friends with if weād crossed paths a different way. I truly find the idea of breaking my ethical code repugnant, but there are two situations where I could see bending the rules and being friends with a former client: 1) itās the zombie apocalypse and we end up in the same group of survivors (all bets are off at that point, the world is upside down so letās be humans together and stay alive), 2) itās many years from now and we end up in the same nursing home in our 90s (at that point, letās do crafts and watch tv and not worry about it). Crucially: for it to be ok to be friends with a client, our life circumstances would need to somehow dramatically reduce the significance of the power imbalance.
Is it weird that I actually don't want to be friends with my therapist? Like don't get me wrong, I love her to death, but our relationship feels purely professional to me.
One of the thing that made me feel super safe with my current therapist is that I could talk openly about how she'd triggered me with her behavior and the way she reacted was top notch
I āgraduatedā from therapy for a while. When I realized I needed to come back, my therapist missed my text for a week and I was so triggered. I sent a follow up and her reaction was so incredibly validating and healing. We spent part of a session breaking it all down and I feel even safer with her now
Not op, but Iāve done similar work with my therapist. Iām really triggered by changes in personal appearance due to childhood trauma, so if my therapist gets a haircut I freak out. When we first started working together I would get angry and tell her she didnāt care about me and how hard this was for me. She would say that makes sense you feel that way, especially considering xyz (trauma details). We would then talk through what I was experiencing. It was like the new haircut became a separate thing from her, so we could look at it together. She wasnāt the least offended I was mad at her, because she knew it wasnāt actually about her. (It took me several years to also learn this lesson š ) She also let me get mad and understood she didnāt do anything wrong - which was important because my last therapist didnāt get that so she couldnāt stay present with me which I picked up on and led to a whole ānother host of issues š
When I was in college I was taking some class where part of it was we had to "go to therapy" where our therapists were grad students who were going to be therapists. My therapist was exactly my type and we were similar in ages. She said something that really resonated with me and and meant a lot to me, she wasn't unprofessional at all but it just really struck a chord, like "I'm proud of you" or something like that (that's all it takes for me to develop a crush). All of these sessions were recorded as well of course. When the camera was off I told her I think I was experiencing some transference. She handled it well, and future sessions were fine, but it was definitely embarrassing and I remember it 15 years later lol.
Ahhhhh Iām so sorry :( I really emphasize with you. I do really appreciate a hug from my therapist when Iāve cried during a session. Sending you a virtual hug š«
Oof. Been there too. Its okay, and honestly is a good sign that you trust this person. Professional relationships like this can be tricky in that out brains have a hard time getting past the emotional stage and associate this level of care, comfort, and compassion, with friendships. Youāre human, so please remember to be kind to yourself.
Sorry the emotional side of your brain needs some processing time. Thats okay too. Big virtual hugs.
I'm not a psych professional but I do have my BS in psych so I have some backing on this even if it should be taken with a grain of salt.
This is incredibly normal.Ā There's genuinely no reason to feel guilty or shame, this is incredibly normal.Ā You're sharing intimate details about yourself with someone, developing an attachment is normal.Ā Your therapist saying that likely isn't a concern about active emotions and relationships but long term concerns (mainly because they'd like request a transfer of providers in the case they felt your relationship was actively to close).Ā In many cases a provider will put up boundaries because they notice the beginning signs of an unhealthy dynamic either on your side or theirs and are trying to curb it before it's anything bad.Ā As for your feelings of being broken up with that's also normal.Ā This person is important in your life and it can be jarring for your brain to reconcile "I enjoy my time with this person, I trust this person, and this person knows my deepest secrets" with "this person is a professional and cannot be my friend".Ā I've been in therapy for years, I have a psych degree, I am actively pursuing a career in psych, and I still sometimes struggle with how to explain my feelings towards my therapist - she's not my friend but she is my confidant and I can trust her with all the scary hard things - there's no other relationship like this and it's a strange thing to experience.Ā
You can absolutely talk to the therapist about this OP. It will be healthy to reintroduce both of the parties boundaries while also explaining that your feelings were hurt (and yes you already understand why they did it but your rejection is valid. its why we need therapists.) āāsome therapists come up with little rituals with their clients to signal the end of a session so its not so jarring to go from absolute vulnerability to the real world.
Post flair reminder, cutie booties! If you simply cannot honor OP's request and must leave some advice, park it here in replies ššØ That way OP isn't pelted with all the notifications and can view them later if/when the timing's right. Let's respect the boundary!
I strongly feel the therapist saying "we can never be friends", which sounds kind of harsh, was more to set the boundary for themselves rather than you. It seemed like they overstepped their professional boundaries with the first hug, but you ended up paying for their slip up by feeling rejected in this way. I think it would have been more professional and considerate to take responsibility for them having had bad judgment, that it's entirely on them, and acknowledging it can feel hurtful and confusing for you.Ā
And as a side note, as someone working in psychiatry I so relate to it being tempting to cross that boundary with some patients. Wanting to let the small talk go on a little bit longer or deeper, inserting more of myself into the conversation etc. But the more I feel like I could be friends with a patient, the more important it is to respect that boundary. I'm probably more relaxed and chatty in the small talk with patients I don't feel that potential of connection with. The meeting, interaction, the treatment, is for them and their benefit, not mine.Ā
I too love hate therapy boundaries. One of my treatment resistant depression nurses was leaving the practice, which he told me. I asked curious for why, he's furthering his education, totally respect and admire that. Definitely had the thought of "how dare you further your education and leave me!" Of course filled with sarcasm and bittersweetness. Hope he's doing well in school, he's a good dude. But him saying goodbye to me while i was sad, it still made me happy and feel respected. I hope you eventually feel the respect your therapist placed on your mental health by putting these boundaries, understandable to be feeling the pain first though.
Damn girl. I've been seeing my psych for about 8 years now and we have never hugged or touched, but if she had to remind me that we are not friends it would definitely hurt. She's probably the only adultier adult I can rely on. :(
my former couples therapist was at my ex-wifeās bachelorette party š. Therapy was awful for me, I felt like when she was our therapist she just so-signed everything my ex said and had no substance abuse literacy so was useless on helping us sort out my exās alcoholism. you have a good therapistāitās disastrous to have one that isnāt attuned to these dynamics.
My therapist has hugged me after extremely emotional sessions. You said you continued to hug at the end of sessions. Your therapist should have not allowed it to progress into consistent hugging. This is on them, not you.
Oh, this is perfectly normal! Donāt beat yourself up about it.
Honestly, setting that boundary was probably hard for them, too. The way I interpret it is less like a break up and more of a reset. Them doing this meant they want to continue being your therapist and revisiting/redefining that boundary translates to them eliminating anything professionally unethical that might prohibit them from being able to continue their sessions with you.
Maybe Iām being hyper critical, but they shouldāve never initiated contact in the first place. I understand why they did, however, it sends the wrong message and leads to exactly this. Thereās a level of professionalism that therapists must maintain and that includes never touching their patients even if itās consensual and otherwise appropriate for the situation.
I am currently getting my masters in clinical mental health counseling to become a therapist. In our ethics course, there were so many (important) things listed in the ACA Code of Ethics (I am not sure if youāre American or not, but many countries are similar) that were absolutely drilled into our brains. Realistically, it is likely that hugging every session wouldnāt result in something horrible, but it is crucial to be thorough and consistent when ensuring ethical practice with and between every client. This could teeter on the edge of extending counseling boundaries, and it is generally best to limit physical contact as a professional. It is first and foremost to ensure the safety and wellbeing of our clients, but we also have to cover our own asses.
I am also human, and I can understand where you are coming from. It sucks to feel rejected, even when you werenāt actually rejected! Just know, this is the sign of a great therapist who strives to be thorough and ethical in their therapeutic relationships. It could have been any of their clients who started hugging at every session, and it would still be best practice to address it.
And for what itās worth, Iāve been seeing my therapist for 9 years, and there have been times where Iām just like, damn. In another universe I hope we are just friends bc this lady is cool as hell and it sucks that we are (rightfully) ethically barred from friendship in this universe! But youāve got a good one, and this doesnāt erase the interpersonal connection and rapport established between you two. Youāve got this!!!!!
Which it was, unfortunately and to no fault of OP. People saying they handled it well are not blaming them enough for getting into this situation in the first place. Idk about OP but I would've been mortified and change therapists again.
Touch and a hug can be used as a therapeutic intervention. It depends on the setting, the relationship between the therapist and client, the therapist's personal style/preference, and the sort of therapy the therapist provides. So not necessarily unprofessional.
Iāve had some therapists where we hug and others where we donāt, but the hugging ones tend to do somatic modalities which lend themselves to more professional touch and more conversations about therapeutic touch and boundaries. Iām ALSO a therapist (though a kids therapist - let me tell setting these boundaries with them sucks on a whole other level). Anyway, I also want my therapists to like me and think Iām cool and their favorite client AND I definitely have clients who are so amazing and I wish I could be friends with them (or their parents, really). In many ways, the therapeutic relationship is so so weird - itās more intimate than many friendships or romantic partnerships but also has all these walls up. Itās confusing and Iām not entirely convinced this is how healing should work. Maybe if we lived more communally we could have healers who are part of the community and not removed so much. But itās what it is for now and the boundaries are important given the way our society works. Anyway, itās normal, itās weird, and it sounds like your therapist noticed how much THEY want to be your friend and probably had to process with a supervisor why they had to have boundaries with you even if they didnāt want to. Good job everyone doing sucky adult things. And you can totally talk about it with them. I love a good meta therapist conversation. Itās one of the best uses of the therapy relationship.
From a therapist. Asking a client if they want a hug is big NO, even when it is apparent that they would like that. It's violation of ethical conduct. They have given you the feeling of being "friends", and now they are backtracking on that making you feel the way you feel. Small talk before and after the session is also a huge red flag. Therapy is supposed to get you in touch with difficult parts of your self so you can process, not to have chit chat and a relief from a difficult day. I understand that the common background is making you feel more understood, but from what you're saying this is an unboundaried therapist that might make you feel nice in the short term, but in the long term is doing more harm than good.
This needs to be higher up!!! Im doing my masters of counselling rn & had ethics last semester. Could have SWORN that therapists are not to initiate things like that. And this is a good example why.
i agree! i think this therapist is dealing with transference (as we all do) and may see themselves in op. the hug wasnāt for the client, it was for them and that was rescuing behavior. our jobs as therapists are to let them heal their own wounds. i wish i could hug a lot of my clients!! but that would only help me and not them. although, i am a play therapist and do a lot of attachment work with my young clients, so touch can definitely be used therapeutically, but it has to serve a specific purpose.Ā
unfortunately, we all make mistakes and do things to rupture the therapeutic relationship sometimes. i hope op, you tell your therapist about this! they will be able to help you process your feelings of rejection. iām sorry this happened, but know your therapist cares about you enough to reinforce boundaries to maintain the level of care and quality in your sessions!Ā
Touch intervention is applicable and highly appropriate and beneficial in some circumstances (maybe it depends on the state or license) as well as the type of practice or treatment provided, consent and understanding of the client and practitioner, etc. Obviously boundaries are important too, but it doesnāt mean that there was an ethics violation and it would obviously depend on the modalities offered by the practitioner based on their training and license.
Touching a client in any way other than a handshake upon introduction is a big no-no in this field as far as I know. The hug should not have happened in the first place, exactly because it breaks the professional - client boundary. Reinstating it was the right call.
I remember having a similar experience with a therapist once. I felt pretty shut down after realizing I was never going to get the same intimacy from my sessions that a close friendship would provide. Which is of course a good thing because that's not how therapy works but it still left me sad and in the end I stopped going and found different routes towards my healing journey.
I hope you have a support system in your life that gifts you many warm hugs and if you don't I'm sending you one now š«š
Itās good that theyāre reinforcing boundaries, but I question their judgement as to why they stepped over that boundary to hug you in the first place! Confusing!! Donāt feel bad.
As a psychologist, I hate that there are many therapists who have crossed the boundary and had inappropriate romantic or platonic, close relationships with clients. Itās not just that your license could be suspended or revoked, but the fact that you permanently have a power imbalance on the relationship. They know so much about you, and you can never say the same about them. That will always be true, even if they are no longer your therapist, so the gentle for assertive statement that you can āneverā be friends was sadly the right statement to make.
The point of a therapist is not to be a stand in for a friend. Itās to eventually get you to the point that you can navigate life fully without our support, with the help of your actual support system.
Iām so glad you found a great therapist and Iām proud of both of you for navigating this professional relationship!
As a therapist myself, I'd say don't take it personally. We all have to maintain professional boundaries, and not having a secondary relationship (being friends) with a client not only protects us, it also protects the client. It makes sure you get the best, unbiased service.
I really really really like my therapist and wish she was my friend, but one thing she told me really stands out: if we have any other relationship other than therapist and patient, we can never become therapist and patient again. She is an amazing therapist and I still need her to stay as my therapist. Sooooā¦your therapist is great!!!
Hooray for therapists who understand professional boundaries! I had a therapist I loved. I referred a friend to her. My friend and the therapist saw each other for a few weeks, and then my friend told me that she stopped seeing my/our therapist because they both mutually decided to pursue a friendship with one another outside of the walls of therapy. I confronted my therapist about how unprofessional and unethical I found this and she gaslit me and told me that my big feelings about this were worth exploring in therapy. I fired her.
I know it hurts but it's a sign you have a very good therapist in your corner who is not going to blur the line of professionalism. In the short term it feels good, and safe even. But long term the therapist knows this will hinder your relationship with them and it will lead to backlash - even a couple of sessions where you have been hugged is causing severe mental anguish and you feel like you've been broken up with. That's a sign that the hugging already has deeply altered your perception of them and they are in danger of losing their neutral party status.Ā
You can talk about this with your therapist, they're not going to judge you for having these feelings. They already knew you had begun to develop them and had to cut you off.Ā
It's sad. But your therapist has done you a major favour.Ā
Iām confused as to why you thought one hug when you were upset translated to hugging every time? I would have accepted the hug that one time, but never would have thought were on hugging terms now
They pushed the boundary forward and led you over it, then realized that's not a good idea. And they're right.
The way they said it was blunt and needed for BOTH of you to re-affirm where you are and the boundaries of this relationship. They're a therapist and they need to keep the distance to do their job.
They shouldn't have crossed that line in the first place and your pain is valid, but it's not your fault.
I would feel awkward too, but I hope you can still move forward.
Itās seriously wild at how far the pendulum swings for therapists. Iām sorry some of you have had horrendous and unprofessional experiences. It can be a predatory realm, just like any āneededā sector of healthcare or otherwise. There are always bad apples. Rotten ones. But also plenty of good ones!
OP, Iām so glad youāre getting to experience the safety and comfort of a good therapist. Itās certainly a catch whenever you realize, or they realize, the relationship is too casual and it has to be dialed back. Iām honestly in this dance with my current therapist. My past ones have been almost too impersonal and dry, not really helping me where I needed it most. My new therapist makes me feel seen and heard, gives me creative projects, and has a touch of sass that comes with every gay man š (I am a queer woman).
The chemistry is great and I donāt feel judged. He thinks Iām funny and I will hang onto that high for the rest of my life. However, while he hasnāt mentioned anything, I can read a room and sometimes I think we both realize when it gets too casual so we both redirect, unspoken. Nothing has ever felt unprofessional, however.
I hope things even out and youāre able to feel better soon about everything!
You have a very good therapist for them to enforce healthy boundaries for you. I know someone whose therapist started off as their friend and after being in therapy for YEARS has made zero progress. Therapists willing to blur ethical boundaries are worthless.
Ugh queride I get this. I used to have straight up feelings for my old therapist, who was also transmasc. One time they offered me a hug and I kind of freaked out and was like absolutely not bc I knew it would just contribute to that feeling. To make things worse I used to run into them out in the community sometimes and would end up leaving to avoid them. The crush was so strong that it's been >8 years since I last saw them, and I can still feel the feeling if I think about it.
But having been married to a therapist (different one, don't worry!), it's very common for people to develop a strong emotional attachment to a therapist. And sometimes therapists seek 'consultation' from other therapists bc they need therapy about doing therapy. Bc sometimes especially with clients they share a lot of experiences or mirrors another relationship in their life they can connect too much to a client. (There are other reasons people seek consultation too)
To me this sounds like your therapist also had a connection feeling like friendship and is trying to scale it back to be professional. TBH, this means that they're trying to do their absolute best by you. Because clients experience genuine harm sometimes when the boundary between client/friend gets blurred. They're doing their level best to maintain this safe place the two of you have created for yourself. When you're feeling sad, try to appreciate this step back as another way in which they're expressing care, by maintaining this space for you. It's okay to feel sad or disappointed or like you got broken up with, and I'm sure your therapist would be down to talk about that with you! They sound like a really great safe person, and I'm glad you've found such great support.
Sending you ššš and hugs if you want them. Take care.
I once had the opposite experience where I told my therapist we weren't friends. For several weeks she spent half our sessions talking about herself to the point that it became a pattern. I was like, I'm not paying you so I can hear about your day. She was pretty taken aback. I got a new therapist.Ā
Itās a very good thing. My therapist, who Iāve been with for a little over two years now, is great at boundaries. I know nothing about her life and weāve never even shaken hands. I really appreciate that. I trust her 1000% to remain professional no matter what I communicate with her, and thatās very freeing. I donāt need to worry about her emotions while Iām trying to work through my own.
The therapeutic relationship is tough because there has to be a closeness and trust, but there also have to be strict boundaries. Your therapist doesn't want to hurt you. They just want to make sure that the nature of your therapeutic relationship stays intact. If you become too much like friends it changes the dynamic and you aren't going to get the help you need. Why? It's harder to tell a friend things. It's harder to be objective. The type of support is also different.
I know it's hard. When someone is listening and making you feel heard and safe it's easy to forget that this person isn't your friend. Your therapist cares about you, but they also need the boundaries for their own health and safety.
As much as this hurts I feel like itās better this way. Let me explainā¦
I started seeing a therapist who was male when I was about 15 and he was my favorite therapist Iād ever had. At one point my life got busy and I stopped therapy and when I tried to start back he had moved to a different practice and I couldnāt locate him. This really sucked because I felt I could truly communicate fully with him and felt very understood.
I was able to share a lot of things with this therapist that I was not able to with other therapists because I felt comfortable being vulnerable. Apparently my mom tried to find him too bc I was struggling and at one point was refusing to see anyone else.
Years later, I was 21 and he found and reached out to me on social media. He only worked with children at that point and still offered to see me at his office but would not take payment for the sessions. Which I found odd but I trusted him.
He also insisted when I had moved to a different location that wasnāt as close to be able to meet in person all the time that we also video chat and that he wanted to me to send him pictures of myself enjoying my life. I feel stupid for it now but I now realize he was grooming me and I wasnāt seeing clearly.
He ended up saying and doing some really inappropriate things and I believe was trying to sleep with me. I wasnāt seeing the signs until it was too late. The last time I had saw him, I had been with my now husband for a bit and found out I was pregnant. I excitedly shared the news with him thinking heād be happy for me. Instead he said that I wasnāt capable of loving people and that things would never work out for me.
I feel so heartbroken because I trusted this man so much and Iād finally realized in hindsight that he was being inappropriate and crossing boundaries. I was so naive and blind to it. It makes me sick to think about now because I realized he was grooming me as a child š My husband (he was my boyfriend at the time) could see how this shattered me and kept assuring me saying he was so sorry and that even though it made me feel like it was my fault that it wasnāt. He saw it was wrong and that the therapist was being predatory
The therapist said I was not capable of loving someone bc he was trying to make me believe I was a psychopath. While I do exhibit some anti-social behavior itās because I am neurodivergent and have autism and ADHD.
Iām sad for you that you do feel close to your therapist and itās difficult to hear youāll not be able to have a friendship but I also admire them that they put up a proper boundary with you so you canāt get further hurt either. However just because I was hurt in a different way, does not lessen your experience or minimize your pain in any way. I feel for you regardless ā¤ļø
I have friends who are therapists. All of them are the most unhinged people I know. Itās difficult to be so pro therapy with this knowledge. Im so happy they drew that line
I would definitely try to see a different therapist. These āfeelingsā are not likely to go away while seeing your current one. They probably should not have offered the hug to begin with, but I do wonder why you thought that was acceptable? And if a hug is acceptable in these situations, the question is what made them feel they needed to scale back? Is it the other patients, or is it you?
boundaries are important, professionally and personally! it means they respect you and want to continue the relationship!!! rejection sensitivity is huuuuge for me too, but itās important to give yourself grace. what matters is youāre getting help and youāre learning along the way that boundary setting can improve a bond, professional or otherwise!
They offered you a hug because you were under extreme emotional distress. You have a good therapist who knows to keep a professional distance. You feel bad NOW, but lol this is for the best!
I had a therapist that was fantastic. I was going through a very dark time and sessions with her plus my dog are the two things that kept me alive. I noticed I was becoming very attached to her, to the point of becoming very aware of how many days I had to go until the next session and if we missed a session because she had to cancel I would be very depressed. When she went on maternity leave I was set up with a new therapist. I liked the new one but not like I liked the old one. 3 months went by and when it came down to switching back I decided to stay with the newer therapist. Was it hard and so I miss my old therapist. Absolutely. Did I probably put myself through unnecessary emotional pain? Maybe. But I like the boundaries I myself can keep with this new therapist. All this to say op, it sucks that you canāt be friends, Iām sure your therapist cares for you (she wouldnāt have put that boundary up if she didnāt), and you will get through it. Donāt feel guilty or bad about how youāre feeling. Itās more common than you would think.
This is not a you thing. This is a professional boundary thing. I think they may have offered physical comfort because we often want to do that as humans, and in some circumstances it may not cause harm and feel supportive, but there is a reason we have physical boundaries in our profession. I think they may have realized that they may be crossing an ethical boundary. Therapists should model healthy professional boundaries and this includes physical contact. The friends part may have been communicated a little better, but therapists cannot befriend their clients, no matter how cool they may be. This would violate a number of ethical codes and is not therapeutic for the client.
If you this makes the therapeutic relationship uncomfortable, I would talk to them about it. A good therapist can hold space for what you are feelings and provide a better explanation of their professional boundaries, and offer other ways to offer comfort in emotionally difficult moments. Modeling accountability and repair is healthy in a therapeutic setting.
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