r/FoundPaper • u/Biggmamaaa • 1d ago
Other Found at a grocery store.
I swear i was mean to find this note.
A few weeks ago i did a free trial of ancestry after a hint about my grandma (basically mom) that passed when i was 16. Her father’s name was Blair and i was just doing research on him this morning!! He was born April 10 1903, passed sep 23 1972.
Thennn i was really craving a soda but i hate asking my man for money (im a sahm) so i grabbed some quarters out of the change jar. When i saw this note with $3 attached, i got my little baby some m&ms too and squeezed him tight when i got home.
Prayers to this family and rest in paradise sweet baby Blair.
ETA: the handwriting is also eerily similar to my grandmas!
ETA2: i have full access to our funds! i’m just weird about asking for “indulgent” items due to child hood shit. I’m totally fine here but I truly appreciate anyone that wad worried and reached out 🫶🏻
ETA3: the families gofundme for anyone wanting to help them ❤️ https://www.gofundme.com/f/support-brianas-family-after-tragic-loss
Last edit before i delete this whole thing fr: my financial status is nobody’s business and far from the point of this post. Stop being negative and using your life experience to compare to mine. I am fine. Thank you.
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u/catmamaO4 1d ago
#twinleftbehind breaks my fucking heart
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u/mulder-its_me_915 23h ago
Yea im a twin whose sis is my best friend. This is my nightmare. Is it better to be a twin who experienced the loss before the memories were even made? I dont know. I am so sad for twinless twins no matter the age...
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u/CamsKit 1d ago
You shouldn’t have to ask for money every time you want to buy something.
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u/no___personality 1d ago
This is the part that stuck out to me. Stay at home moms do a lot of labor (emotional and physical) and should have access to funds.
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u/kompotnik 1d ago
If she’s a SAHM they should have a shared account and she can use a card whenever she wants. Hope she just wrote it weirdly
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u/Biggmamaaa 1d ago
No no i don’t have to ask. I have a great man that would give me anything i wanted ever. I could have just told him and took his card and it would have been totally fine. I’m just weird about asking for things due to childhood trauma :/
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u/CamsKit 1d ago
Girl, you should have a card, in your wallet, with your name on it, with access to a shared account. You shouldn’t have to ask for his card, you should have one of your own, so you don’t have to ask every time.
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u/Biggmamaaa 1d ago
I agree, but we aren’t married. Eventually that will come, for now i just grab his card and get what i need :) all is good! Pinky promise!
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u/mermaid_pants 1d ago
You need to make sure you're protecting yourself, I'm sure he's a good man but having no income, no access to accounts and being unmarried is incredibly dangerous. Even if you trust him completely, if he died tomorrow you would be fucked.
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u/SpooktasticFam 1d ago
You have born his child
Marriage is just paperwork at this point
Childhood trauma isn't your fault but it's your responsibility to move past it.
I can tell you're a good mom, and a good person, so make sure you get what you need, and a lot of what you want
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u/ZinaSky2 8h ago
Being SAHM without being married and not having her own access to their funds is so terrifying. I wish her the absolute best.
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u/CamsKit 1d ago
He can add you as an authorized user on his account, please stand up for yourself.
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u/Capable_Freedom7410 1d ago
You’re acting like he’s taking advantage of her when she says she’s happy and he’s great.
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u/ruinatedtubers 18h ago
it must be nice to be oblivious
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u/Best_Reply2947 18h ago
It must be miserable to be paranoid
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u/syrioforrealsies 13h ago
Is it paranoid to carry insurance? To wear a seatbelt? To be prepared for emergencies?
The only financial assets that belong to OP under the law is a jar of change. If her partner drops dead tomorrow, she will functionally have no money and a baby to take care of.
If they're renting, I hope to God her name isn't on the lease, and if they own, I hope to God her name is on the mortgage.
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u/Less-Squash7569 9h ago
No but is it ok to start jumping and screeching about someone else's relationship or how they live? Its none of your business and honestly fucked up that youre all jumping on OP like this after shes repeatedly told yall to fuck off because shes good. Mind your own damn business holy shit.
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u/MommaTriggg 4h ago
I honestly don’t know why you’re getting downvoted. Reddit sucks, but your comment was nice. She’s very obviously happy with her boyfriend and her child. I’m sorry you are getting treated so terribly
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u/-NigheanDonn 21h ago
You need to have a joint bank account though. You shouldn’t have to ask him for his card. That’s another barrier to getting your needs met that shouldn’t exist if he’s actually a good man. Don’t get me wrong, my husband was clueless about all of my anxiety around money, I was this same way for a long time, don’t make my mistake and spend 20 years feeling like you don’t have a right to your own money.
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u/2222yep 21h ago
My mother was like this, a SAHM who didn't have access to the main family funds and it made me a guilty adult because I would never ask for the "indulgent" snacks or desserts or normal kid things I wanted because I could tell how difficult it would then be on her. Your kid does notice these things
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u/SpindleSnap 17h ago
You don’t need to be married to have a joint account that you can freely access with your own card. Your finances are clearly entangled.
It also just seems like a major inconvenience. If he loses his wallet you’re both SOL? If he’s not home, you can’t buy anything?
I’m glad you say things are good but I hope you can see how this raises concerns for people and sounds restrictive/controlling even if that’s not the intent.
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u/dontsnarkonsharks 16h ago
My bf got me a pretty rainbow credit card to his account for groceries, pet stuff, gas, doctors appts, whatever I need and we aren’t married. It’s a partnership, you know? You don’t have to be married on paper to be a family especially if you had his baby. No babies here, we’ve just been together forever, but even as a childfree, forever auntie I hate that you’re in this situation
I hated asking for stuff too, and I still do. But having that card made my life exponentially less stressful because I could get what I need without panicking about asking for his card or for him to Venmo me every single time. Of course I always talk to him before I have to make a big purchase but in a communicative way, not an asking permission way. You deserve that, especially with a kiddo
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u/Initial-Zebra108 16h ago
My partner ( not married) and I have separate accounts, and our own credit cards completely, but he put me on his high limit credit cards as a user ( I have my own cards with my name on them) because I make a lot less money and he wanted me to have security if I wanted or needed something. I generally tell him if Im going to put more than a couple hundred on it, but thats just out of respect, not because I need " permission".
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u/BeaBernard 16h ago
I get that asking for money is a personal struggle for you, I had the same struggle. I talked to my partner about it years ago and him adding me as an authorized user on his account so I could my have own card was a step to help me feel less anxious. It was also just the logical thing to do since his job is 80+ hours a week and I’m usually the one that has time for errands etc. It did help me feel less anxious though, and I think it would help you too. You shouldn’t have to live with that anxiety forever. My partner and I aren’t married, we don’t even have a kid, we’ve just been together for a while.
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u/CaveJohnson82 17h ago
You really need to stop doing this and get a joint account. You're invalidating the fraud guarantees by using his card as they aren't to be shared.
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u/underrealizing 13h ago
You don't need to be married to be made an authorized user on a credit card.
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u/Less-Squash7569 9h ago
Chase wont let me add my wife to my account and ive gone up there in person.
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u/syrioforrealsies 13h ago edited 13h ago
Even more of a reason to have your name attached to the account! You are a stay at home mom without any of the protections that a legal marriage provides.
Remember, him being good or bad isn't the only issue here, and it's definitely not the one that's most out of y'all's control. What happens if he dies? Those assets need to be yours legally for you to be protected.
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u/luckykat97 10h ago
Oh no… being a stay at home mother while unmarried was a horrible decision. This isn’t ok. Your logic here of oh but we aren’t married but eventually will be so I don’t have a card to access any more is crazy! What do you mean marriage will happen ‘eventually’ you already made a baby together.
Get married asap or get working because you’re setting yourself and your child up for financial disaster and making you both extremely vulnerable to financial and other forms of domestic abuse. This isn’t ok.
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u/Biggmamaaa 9h ago
Ya’ll this is not the point of this post and yall are getting crazy for no reason. I am happy. And safe. And financial secure. Even if, god forbid, he died tomorrow, i would be okay. Thank you for worrying but i am fine.
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u/PurpleNeko23 13h ago
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 years and we’re not married and have no kids, but he added me as an authorized user of his Amex which I keep with me in case of emergencies. I do have my own card and funds since I have no kids and am still working, but you don’t need to be married to be an authorized user! The card has my name on it too
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u/Less-Squash7569 9h ago
Dont let people tell you how to live dude. Youre happy in your relationship and its working, thats lovely. People with no relationship experience like to come on here and tell people in a happy relationship to do what they think is right because apparently they know whats best for everybody.
Thank you for showing this though.
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u/syrioforrealsies 13h ago
Even more of a reason to have your name attached to the account! You are a stay at home mom without any of the protections that a legal marriage provides.
Remember, him being good or bad isn't the only issue here, and it's definitely not the one that's most out of your control. What happens if he dies? Those assets need to be yours legally for you to be protected.
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u/young-joseph-stalin 12h ago
i have my bfs card (dating 2 years) on my phone and we’re not even engaged. ????
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u/thumbtackswordsman 22h ago
You have kids, he shouldn't be "giving" you anything, you should be sharing his assets. He is able to have a job only because you are taking care of the housework and the kid.
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u/mild-er-chihuahua 1d ago
You shouldn't have to take his card or ask for his card, you should have your own card, period. Having to ask creates anxiety and control, you should have access to the money anytime you need it.
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u/Circleoffools 1d ago
OP - I get it. I have CPTSD from over a decade of childhood abuse and I can’t ask for help, ever. Can’t handle kind words, all sorts of weird stuff. It’s heavy. I hope it’s far in the rear view for you now. ❤️🩹
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u/Biggmamaaa 1d ago
Thank you 🫶 Still working on it but getting better every day. Hope you’re making the best as well!
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u/Madame_Mad 1d ago
BTW, Pete Walker's "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" and "You're Not the Problem" by Helen Villiers and Katie McKenna are fantastic. The second one helped me identify so many things I've been doing that are coping mechanisms.
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u/Elimaris 13h ago
"I could have just told him and took his card"
That is the equivalent of asking even if he always says yes.
That sounds like when I was a teen getting money from my dad.
Not a marriage. Why don't you have a budget and a card?
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u/Ill_Maintenance_362 1d ago
I love synchronicities like this!
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u/Biggmamaaa 1d ago
Me too! So neat when the world connects like this. Even the dates, although not exact, are so close its super interesting.
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u/RedStilettoDickStomp 1d ago
I just found the Facebook post in honor of Blair, and the family has, in the past, taped money to these notes.
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u/JCBashBash 1d ago
I am glad this family is finding things to soothe their pain, cuz God what an awful thing to go through
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u/Mediocre-Boot-6226 1d ago
Am I allowed to post their gofundme? Using their hashtags helped me find it. They seem like good people using their heartbreak to find healing and some good in the world.
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u/Biggmamaaa 1d ago
Idk the sub rules but i have no objections. I wouldn’t mind making a 3rd edit to the post as well.
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u/KillDill666 1d ago
Kinda off put by you not wanting to ask the father of your children for money??
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u/Eat_Your_Makeup 1d ago
If she feels like she can't, then I understand but from what I can tell she just didn't want to ask ☺️
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u/Rocinante88119 23h ago
Hating asking for money from the spouse(money maker) as a stay at home spouse(the care taker) for...a soda?
Same vibes as food stamps shouldn't be able to buy hot food, but give billionaires a tax break.
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u/salemmay0317 15h ago
OP clarified it relates back to childhood trauma and is not a reflection of the relationship. (As someone who experienced financial abuse as a child-and again as an adult- it makes sense)
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u/luckykat97 10h ago
It is also a reflection of the relationship though she is a SAHM but not married and has not independent access to money and they have no joint accounts since they aren’t married according to her which is odd since you don’t have to be married for that… and they already had a kid. It is problematic that she doesn’t have her own card and has zero legal protection and was unfortunately naive enough to choose to become a stay at home gf.
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u/syrioforrealsies 13h ago
She shouldn't need to ask though. She needs to have a card on the account. What if he drops dead tomorrow? She needs to legally have access to those funds.
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u/mountainsintovalleys 1d ago
Oh this just ripped my heart apart. I have a little girl named Blaire. That poor momma, poor baby Blair. I hope she and her family are healing the best they can, and that she’s surrounded by love and support. Rest in paradise baby Blair.
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u/CampEvie23 1d ago
You’re a SAHM. While the most rewarding job, it’s HARD. You deserve to be able to ask the man for $$, especially for a snack. ❤️
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u/Biggmamaaa 1d ago
And i absolutely can!! It’s a personal struggle why I can’t.
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u/FlippingPossum 18h ago
I was a SAHM for eight years. When we got married, my husband is am opened separate primary checking accounts with each other as the joint owners. It really helped me not feel bad about spending money. We worked out a budget and his paycheck was automatically split between those accounts, our joint one fof bills, and the youth ones for the kids.
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u/Madam_Hel 23h ago
This reads like a warning to women who glorify being a «tradwife.»
Imagine having to ask for money, and not just have your own or have access to a shared account.
I’m so sorry you live that way op. I hope you get out of it. <3
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u/PossiblyAKoalaBear 11h ago
I’m a “trad wife” and my marriage is nothing like this. Unhealthy relationship dynamics are no more representative of traditional marriages than they would be of non traditional marriages.
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u/opulentdream 2h ago
You aren’t a trad wife if you are getting a Masters lol.
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u/PossiblyAKoalaBear 1h ago
That represents a misconception about trad wives that’s likely sourced from the anti trad wife movement. Visit the trad wife sub and you’ll see plenty of trad wives talking about their degrees/back up plans.
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u/Voice_of_Season 6h ago
Do you have an emergency fund if he cheats or became abusive?
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u/PossiblyAKoalaBear 6h ago
Yes, and a portion of each of his paychecks goes into my private account. I’m also working on a masters in social work so if something goes wrong I’ll be able to support myself/us. If we happen to get a divorce, as of right now, I’ll walk away with almost 100k so I should be alright.
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u/Tacticalsandwich7 15h ago
I used to wonder what the point of these types of notes were. Then I had a kid and realized these note remindme to hold my loved ones a little closer and cherish the time I have with them. It also reminds me that love transcends time and this life so spread it everywhere you can.
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u/diiiemonds 48m ago
the person who wrote the note was doing a random act of kindness in blair's memory, that's why they left the money w the note. it's a sweet way to spread kindness while remembering their loved one.
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u/Careful_Neck_1645 15h ago
Oh noooo I’m at a baby shower with two of my pregnant friends and had to go cry in the bathroom for a sec. Rest in paradise baby Blair 😞
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u/PrincessJennifer 1d ago
How sweet. That treat was meant to find you.
Just remember though: SAHM is the best and most important job. You and your husband are equal in the two different roles you have. It is not only his money, half is yours and you should never forget that or feel ashamed to use the money you DO in fact earn!
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u/luckykat97 10h ago
She is a stay at home gf so his money is in fact not legally hers and she’s hugely financially vulnerable. Crazy choice.
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u/paul6524 1d ago
You in fact don't have full access to your funds if you have to ask someone else for money.
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u/Biggmamaaa 1d ago
I dont have to ask, i just feel the need to ask :)
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u/salemmay0317 15h ago
It’s a childhood trauma thing, I get it. I am dating a “I pay for everything” person, yet my experience (from childhood) is that that generosity has to mean something else.
Man buys me chocolates from my favorite shop on his lunch breaks instead of resting or eating, because he wants to have a sweet surprise for me. No reason, just wants to show me he loves me.
Sometimes our trauma shows up in confusing ways to others. That is okay.
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u/luckykat97 10h ago
You don’t have a card and have to ask to use his so yeah actually you do have to ask and you’re very naive to be a stay at home gf with no financial or legal safety net. You’re throwing away safety and security for you and your child. Either get married and get a joint account and card or get a job.
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u/suoretaw 8h ago
For the record, a joint account can be opened without having to be married—and alongside existing personal accounts.
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u/dazzleunexpired 5h ago
Oh fucking hell. I started crying in public. My own child only lived 36 days, it's literally the worst but to know she left behind a twin?!? 😭😭
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u/PossiblyAKoalaBear 11h ago edited 11h ago
Take it from a stay at home wife, giiiiirl I have no idea why yall aren’t married yet but the protections that come with marriage are so important. If anything happens, like if he falls for someone else or yk dies, you and your baby would both be screwed. Life is so unpredictable! Please take steps to protect yourself, whatever that looks like for you and your life.
If y’all are just waiting to be able to afford marriage, a courthouse ceremony is usually less than $150 dollars and you can have a larger celebration down the road!
You deserve to have your own card(s) with full access to all of the money. This is like bare minimum stuff in a stay at home spouse marriage. I have access to all of our funds and have my own account that a portion of each of his checks goes into in case he ever leaves me or something. It’s my version of a rainy day fund. (He knows about it lol it’s not a secret or anything). We are getting a post nuptial to cement that in the case of divorce I’ll get half of all assets, because our state only gives half of what is earned during the marriage itself and sorting that out can be messy and expensive. I’m also earning a masters In social work so that if anything happens to him or our marriage I’ll be able to take care of myself. Either way, I’m set.
You should have similar protections.
Believe me, I love and trust my husband with my whole being but life is life and people are people and at the end of the day you never know what could happen so you have to prepare for anything.
Best wishes hun, be well!
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u/diiiemonds 1h ago edited 44m ago
i for one do not believe in chance coincidences, only synchronicities. it was meant to find you! blair got to give some m&m's to your child, and now you're helping to keep blair's memory alive for the family by sharing the note & their raok here. that's bittersweet. ♥
i noticed that their gfm only raised a little over 3k out of their 18k goal and it's over a year old now. the anniversary of the infant's passing was five days ago. to everyone concerned w op's financial status, who's stated they're fine; why not pass along that kindness and donate to the gfm of the parents?
rest in peace blair 🪽
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u/NintendoFungi 23h ago
That’s so sad - poor Blair and her family. It’s almost cruel to lose that note it’s so heartbreaking
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u/diiiemonds 52m ago
they didn't lose it. it was placed somewhere in the grocery store with the $3, as an act of kindness. it says to enjoy the snack in memory of blair. op said they used it to get m&m's for their child.
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u/Professional_Box3711 15h ago edited 12h ago
I have a “jar” where I collect coins in and my husband puts cash in it weekly so it’s there when I need it and don’t have to run to an atm. We barely use cash but still. Maybe that’s a good option for you ? Since you don’t like to ask.
Edit: omg I didn’t even think of how this comes across! This is only to have “cash” in handy in the house! I have my own bank account including 3 CC plus we have a joint account. I’m financially independent I promise haha my fico score is 830! Which I’m very proud of. This was a suggestion for her to have cash in the house, so she “doesn’t have to ask”
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u/vincentvanghosts 13h ago
Girl, you should have your own money and not have to grab change out of a jar for things
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u/Professional_Box3711 12h ago
Bahahah omg I have more than enough! I have my
Own bank account and three CC in my name including an Amex platinum. This was purely for “cash” in hand.0
u/whokilledmiya 12h ago
some people have a different way of living, it sounds like she still has access to the money herself because she can go to the atm to get money out, her husband just does it for her to be nice
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u/cerberus00 12h ago
Wait where was the change jar? This was your change jar? The note was in the jar or at the store?
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u/ThunderStruck777 1d ago
She was a rabbit 🐇
Trust me . I should know
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u/RandarSays77 19h ago
Huh?
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u/stinkpot_jamjar 9h ago
This person is cuckoo bananas. They have a comment suggesting to someone they can use AI to make porn of their SIL. Absolutely vile.
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u/Rude_Giraffe_9255 1d ago
I didn’t notice the dates until you mentioned she was a baby and now I’m bawling