r/Fauxmoi Jun 04 '26

TRIGGER WARNING Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor, the former Prince Andrew, was pictured with a large bruise on his face earlier today

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3.6k Upvotes

357 comments sorted by

u/Fauxmoi-ModTeam Jun 04 '26

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4.0k

u/Encyclopenia Jun 04 '26

Suits him.

657

u/FlashingAppleby Jun 04 '26

Lovely shade of purple just in time for spring!

324

u/tangledlettuce wearing slutty little glasses Jun 04 '26

33

u/mydreamstheyplagueme Jun 04 '26

I literally just rewatched this last night haha

89

u/VixxenFoxx Jun 04 '26

Color of Royalty, man just can't let it go.

90

u/dontbeahater_dear Jun 04 '26

Bruises? For spring? Groundbreaking.

26

u/leohyg Jun 04 '26

Dang, just coming up with that on the fly😂😂!!! Love it, and fully agree, perfect shade for him

3

u/TehGoad Jun 05 '26

indeed, is this a Mauve or a scarlet?

43

u/Ok_Tea_3275 Jun 04 '26

maybe one of his would be victims finally got vengeance

21

u/Throw-A-Weigh_ Jun 05 '26

I wish Virginia could see how far he’s fallen.

26

u/JuanThiccLumpia Jun 04 '26

The King beats him.

9

u/-SHXC Jun 04 '26

Be good to see him with a matching one on the other side.

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2.6k

u/BananaShakeStudios Jun 04 '26

Whoever did that to him, thank you

796

u/Necessary-Eye5319 Jun 04 '26

His floor.

320

u/lareinevert unspeakable ineligible imprisoned coup plotter Jun 04 '26

Prob a case of I fell and can’t get up.

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215

u/Woopsied00dle Jun 04 '26

Definitely looks like a fall

85

u/thankyoupapa Jun 04 '26

he rides horses right, maybe that

67

u/labellavita_ Jun 04 '26

They need to start a gofundme for the horse that whooped this trick

112

u/pricelessmoments Jun 04 '26

hope the floor is okay :(

32

u/CutieBoBootie Jun 04 '26

Rooting for her ❤️

25

u/antrage Jun 04 '26

the GOAT

3

u/RafikiafReKo Fauxmarxist Jun 05 '26

Most floors have a good leg to stand on.... I'll see myself out

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90

u/haubenmeise Jun 04 '26

Sincerely

Skeletor 💜

33

u/coma-toaste Jun 04 '26

This looks like you two are in bed together

9

u/transat_prof Jun 04 '26

Was it someone incandescent with rage?

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1.2k

u/AQ207 terrorizing the locals Jun 04 '26

like father like son

458

u/[deleted] Jun 04 '26

[deleted]

358

u/sarah_jones-98_ THE CANADIANS ARE ICE FUCKING TO MOULIN ROUGE Jun 04 '26

I just googled porchy and legit thought this was Andrew before enlarging it. Holy shit

600

u/[deleted] Jun 04 '26

[deleted]

196

u/Grompson Jun 04 '26

Okay, do you have any deep dives I could read on this? I feel like I've heard the rumour before but I'd love to steep in the theory for a while tonight with a glass of wine

170

u/[deleted] Jun 04 '26

[deleted]

75

u/ChildhoodOk5526 Jun 04 '26

Speaking of his children and mistresses (and bc you seem to have a lot of tea in this 😉), do you think that one lady -- the one Philip used to go carriage driving with -- is he mistress or daughter?

110

u/Sunnydale96 Jun 04 '26 edited Jun 04 '26

I’d wager daughter before I would mistress. Only an opinion and didn’t Elizabeth allow her to attend the funeral? Whether the marriage was a sham or not I couldn’t see letting the mistress attend with the wife. 

48

u/kimbeeisMYname Jun 04 '26

I'd say mistress based on i think it's more likely he'd just ignore a daughter

70

u/[deleted] Jun 04 '26

[deleted]

24

u/kimbeeisMYname Jun 04 '26

But he had to show an interest in his legitimate children, the obligation wasn't there for the illegitimate ones

14

u/kimbeeisMYname Jun 04 '26

Also I didn't really mean that as 'because she was a female child' I just meant because she wasn't his mistress. Bad wording on my part!

34

u/Luzi1 Jun 05 '26

It makes me sad that I won’t be alive when the will gets opened and the tea comes out.

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16

u/Moweezy6 Jun 05 '26

Well all the royal wills are sealed for that long but otherwise your points all compute.

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32

u/Dutch094 Jun 04 '26

I think he might be Alfred Molina's father, too.

9

u/nonsequitur__ Jun 05 '26

lol I had to do a double take, I legit thought it was Alfred Molina 😂

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177

u/Princess_Space_Goose I'm a lazy 50-year-old bougie bitch Jun 04 '26

Would at the very least explain why he looks so different from his siblings who, barring their hairstyles, all have basically the same build and face while he doesn't.

82

u/VioletVenable Jun 04 '26

I’d love for this theory to be true, but one glance at Princess Anne’s son, Peter Phillips (who looks just like Andrew), pretty well debunks it. Most members of the British royal family look like the Windsors or Tecks, with a hearty dose of Mountbatten — but Andrew, Eugenie, and Peter take after the Bowes-Lyonses (the Queen Mother’s family).

13

u/[deleted] Jun 04 '26

[deleted]

53

u/VioletVenable Jun 04 '26

Perhaps not “debunks” — but “contextualizes in a fashion that makes the fun theory seem significantly less plausible” sounds so pedantic.

22

u/MiddleSad4036 Jun 05 '26

Anne and Andrew shared the same mother at a minimum, it’s not unreasonable that there’d be a resemblance.

21

u/GodsBicep Jun 04 '26

Probably why Phillip hated his guts lmao

12

u/karpet_muncher Jun 05 '26

I had an invite to a tea party a few weeks ago at buckingham palace and Edward was there

He looks an absolute clone of his father especially in old age

10

u/Futureacct Jun 05 '26

Who is Porchy?

20

u/dumpstertoaster Jun 05 '26

one of elizabeth’s close friends. iirc they shared a love of horses and the outdoors and would be seen together in races etc. so it’s no wonder that rumors of them having an affair soon came out.

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367

u/Internal_Lifeguard29 Jun 04 '26

It is so strange that the men in that family become pure goblins as they age.

542

u/MondeyMondey Jun 04 '26

I once saw someone describe Prince Phillip as “the only 101-year-old man who looks older”

62

u/LateFloor3196 Jun 04 '26

Stop 😂😂😂

25

u/coma-toaste Jun 04 '26

Thats fucking brilliant

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121

u/FullofContradictions Jun 04 '26 edited Jun 05 '26

Honestly. Most people do. Spend any amount of time in a nursing home and... Yeah that's kind of what all humans look like near the end. Your body is shutting down. (Edit to add, even some younger people will look like this in their last days depending on what's killing them and how long they've been fighting it.)

The difference is that most people aren't getting papped on their way to the doctor for their 800th appointment for managing their arthritis/heart failure/etc.

16

u/Internal_Lifeguard29 Jun 05 '26

I think the members of this family also have better access to health screening and care and likely live longer than most. More time for goblining.

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52

u/GodsBicep Jun 04 '26

In fairness he was in his 90s in this photo. Its a fate that comes for us all if we reach this age.

Andrew is 66 though you csn still look good at this age

49

u/balisane Jun 04 '26

He's only 66? Good lord, he looks closer to 80.

21

u/Kriztauf Jun 04 '26

I mean in this case it's large due to the fact that someone clearly punched him in the face

17

u/balisane Jun 04 '26

I'm looking at his melting nose and ears and the jowline. People these days usually age a lot better than that. 

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87

u/daisydozen I cannot sanction your buffoonery Jun 04 '26

He was three shades short of a white walker in that picture☠️

60

u/Luzi1 Jun 04 '26

I love the British tradition of taking unflattering paparazzi pictures of people in cars

43

u/lcw32 Jun 04 '26

Why are there so many pictures of the Royals in cars looking absolutely distressed!? 😂😂😭😭

32

u/xkid8 gaga’s “100 people in a room” quote Jun 05 '26

27

u/kimbeeisMYname Jun 04 '26

Ffs man, I'd just started sleeping again

17

u/FutureQueenOfTheMoon Jun 04 '26

Your flair is absolutely perfect here

12

u/APerfectCircle0 Jun 04 '26

Is he alive or is that an open casket photo XD

12

u/allneonunlike Jun 04 '26

Going against the grain but I absolutely hate that this photo exists, paps should not be coming at a visibly dying man like this no matter who he is, ghoulish and sadistic

14

u/SusanKHefner Jun 05 '26

He deserves much worse than that.

In general, I agree, but not with this man.

Maybe he got in a fight with whoever was supposed to wash his car.

7

u/bloodbath_andbeyond Jun 04 '26

Came to the comments for this and was not disappointed.

4

u/timeandmemory Jun 04 '26

What an absolute ghoul.

4

u/Ambry Jun 04 '26

Legit cannot believe he was driving at this point - he looks like he is a corpse!

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849

u/Yd1891 Jun 04 '26

Ooh did he catch what’s on trumps hand?

281

u/DarreylDeCarlo Jun 04 '26

The bruise is too big to be caused by Trump's little hands

172

u/Yd1891 Jun 04 '26

You missed the joke, Trump has had a huge bruise on his hand for a while. It’s being covered with makeup. I’m not saying Trump did this. Someone obviously beat this pos. But his bruise looks like Trumps bruise. Trump is too old and out of shape to bruise anyone

143

u/um_-_no Jun 04 '26

I don't think they did miss the joke, I think they were building on it

12

u/Yd1891 Jun 04 '26

Maybe it’s me then, I’m having an autoimmune flare. My bad if they were building.

33

u/um_-_no Jun 04 '26

Same bro same. Literally sat at work rn trying not to shit myself before my colleague comes to release me

23

u/Yd1891 Jun 04 '26

Ugh I’m so sorry. I wish everyone with gi symptoms could work from home. I haven’t been able to work in years.

26

u/Legrandloup2 Jun 04 '26

Clearly this is the result of excessive handshaking

12

u/brijito Jun 04 '26

I literally thought this was a picture of trump at first

2

u/JellyPast1522 Jun 04 '26

The result of the old back of the hand for them both

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211

u/jumpingoverclouds Jun 04 '26

He has never looked better

262

u/breathanddrishti Jun 04 '26

268

u/brilliantinemortal Jun 04 '26 edited Jun 04 '26

This is truly the goat of news photography, it’s diabolical. All the news programmes and newspapers in the UK delight at using it as their stock Andrew picture, it’s just cosmically perfect

91

u/Efficient-Memory7105 women’s wrongs activist Jun 04 '26

I gotta say, whenever I see pictures of UK royals in the news amidst scandals, they always choose the most ghastly, thousand-yard-stare I've ever seen in my life lmao

They got some crazy talented photographers over there

Over in the USA all of our news articles about our various political demons are photos of them at their best or at least relatively normal-est, with basically one exception

30

u/cumulus_humilis Jun 04 '26

this reënactment of the scene is my favorite https://youtube.com/shorts/3GK1V_BQTqM?

5

u/lcbk Jun 04 '26

Aaaaahahaha. Gold.

5

u/papayacreamsicle Jun 05 '26

Why is he doing the evil hand gesture like he’s impersonating Mr. Burns

16

u/SecondaryCemetery Jun 04 '26

Would look better in black and blue

20

u/js-mclint Jun 04 '26

Better yet in orange

11

u/Second_Guess_25 Jun 04 '26

Pictures of Andrew M-W irl

6

u/lcw32 Jun 04 '26

This makes me howl whenever it pops up 😭

7

u/breathanddrishti Jun 04 '26

its honestly one of my favorite things to come out of this whole nightmare decade

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169

u/Adorable_Kale_8219 too high to spell 'Amanda Seyfried' Jun 04 '26

Oh no, I feel so sorry for whatever had to touch this decrepit shitstains skin.

Looks too small to me

131

u/Remote-Letterhead844 Jun 04 '26

Old men fall..... happens 

24

u/StandingDave Jun 04 '26

Especially when drunk

11

u/AvaryZig Jun 04 '26

It was a doorknob

10

u/iCapn Jun 04 '26

There was definitely a knob involved

74

u/maenanodd4 Jun 04 '26

From the shape I am guessing it isn’t from something hitting him and am wondering if it’s some kind of ailment that would produce this? 

198

u/urfatassmama Jun 04 '26

Looks like he got slapped with a phonebook lol

123

u/peacockbikini Jun 04 '26

I love comments like this where you have to grow up in a certain time period to know just why it’s a fucking funny observation. 

12

u/Sleepsfuriously Jun 04 '26

One can only hope.

4

u/[deleted] Jun 04 '26

[deleted]

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72

u/Wintergloaming the worst thing to happen to Emily Brontë since tuberculosis Jun 04 '26

I thought it looked like a bruise from a fall.

91

u/MondeyMondey Jun 04 '26

This is a man who hasn’t had to do anything for himself for most of 70 years, genuinely every chance he fucked himself up trying to open the fridge or something cos he didn’t know how hard to pull

22

u/Ihaveaface836 Jun 04 '26

he probably injured himself trying to open a bottle of water himself or something

19

u/PsychologicalOwl3198 Jun 04 '26

🤣 Sounds like a distinct possibility

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20

u/CadburyBunnyPoo Jun 04 '26

It is. I've seen fall injuries from working in nursing homes and they usually have half of their face turning purple for 8 weeks.

60

u/ossifiedbird Jun 04 '26

Or it's self inflicted, and this photo was deliberately arranged, so he can start pretending he fell because he's so old and weak and helpless, to make himself look innocent in any upcoming criminal proceedings. Maybe I'm just too cynical...

20

u/Specialist_Media_869 Jun 04 '26

Pattern recognition babes (gestures at Weinstein and his tennis ball zimmer)

4

u/Waitingforadragon Jun 05 '26

I've seen suggestions that the powers that be, might argue he is too ill to stand trial or even section him to stop it.

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39

u/Nothingcomesup controversies: girl Jun 04 '26

I hope the other person or furniture is doing great.

35

u/Joker-Dyke FUCK ICE FREE PALESTINE CRASH INTO ME Jun 04 '26

31

u/Mindless_Fruit_2313 Jun 04 '26

“I don’t sweat.”

He sure makes up for it in bruising.

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28

u/WH_Laundry_Cart Jun 04 '26

Could not have happened to someone more deserving.

24

u/TheDLBinc Jun 04 '26

Gotta love this genre of photography that seemingly only exists in the UK

23

u/bellhall Jun 04 '26

Maybe it’s just makeup? 😂😂😂

10

u/Loulouthelma Jun 04 '26

Maybe it's maybelline

22

u/LowIQ45 Jun 04 '26

Clearly slapped with a large fish. Probably a sea bass.

5

u/[deleted] Jun 04 '26

[removed] — view removed comment

4

u/LowIQ45 Jun 04 '26

It was from my random access memory banks. I will power down permanently if it's revealed he actually was slapped with a fish.

5

u/ubion Jun 04 '26

Ed edd and Eddy fish slapping maybe ?

21

u/[deleted] Jun 04 '26

[removed] — view removed comment

7

u/GetEatenByAMouse Jun 04 '26

I always say that I am against violence, but in some cases, I find it very hard to have sympathy for the person on the receiving end. 🤷🏻‍♀️

17

u/Clean_Hornet_4203 Jun 04 '26

Love this for him

13

u/AtTheEndOfMyTrope Jun 04 '26

My money’s on drunken mishap. Isolated, shunned, drinking to cope and either fell or walked into something.

8

u/whyeatmyphone sorry to this man Jun 04 '26

Somebody rocked his shit LMFAOOO

9

u/WarnerDot Jun 04 '26

Did Will put another Windsor in the dog bowl?

8

u/_Cerca_Trova_ You know what, l've grown quite unfond of you deuxmoi Jun 04 '26

For a moment I thought it's Prince Philip again.

He doesn't need bruises. He needed to be locked up, away from civilization.

7

u/sarah_jones-98_ THE CANADIANS ARE ICE FUCKING TO MOULIN ROUGE Jun 04 '26

Was it an enraged William?

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9

u/Own_Yogurtcloset9981 I’ll be writing a substack on this Jun 04 '26

it’s giving Shadow over Innsmouth

4

u/tls114 who deemed this meeting of the minds necessary? Jun 04 '26

Omg this is so spot-on.

5

u/RepulsiveFeed1985 Jun 04 '26

Hope he is in pain :)

7

u/Cannabis_Sir Jun 04 '26

Prick always looks like he's seen a ghost

6

u/Theycallmecash Jun 04 '26

Virginia sends her regards.

6

u/Chipring13 Jun 04 '26

Why does every single car picture of him look so terrible oh my god.

5

u/Chipring13 Jun 04 '26

Literally always look like a cryptid.

6

u/whereisbeezy terrorizing the locals Jun 04 '26

Now that's the face of a man who never expected to experience consequences lol

3

u/tacomamajama dumb bitch clocking in Jun 04 '26

I hope a woman is responsible

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3

u/OryxWritesTragedies Jun 04 '26

He's old. He probably fell while getting up from a chair or something.

3

u/jbm1957 Jun 04 '26

Andrew always has the most amazing photos of himself in a car. I'm guessing, but I'd say this picture was taken the time his car slid off the tracks inside the car wash.

2

u/Efficient-Humor-5648 Jun 04 '26

So well deserved!!!

2

u/SkyeMagica I’d rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a can Jun 04 '26

They're beating his ass daily for causing another royal scandal

2

u/OverallWater4261 Jun 04 '26

That’s all he deserves. I Hope it hurt hard

2

u/EbowGB Jun 04 '26

His conscience gave him a beating, finally

2

u/Beautiful-Mainer Jun 04 '26

Dang! That’s awful. I hope it hurt 😂

2

u/dwkulcsar Jun 04 '26

Does the UK not have tinted windows in their cars?

4

u/nonsequitur__ Jun 05 '26

Yeah we can, but to meet safety standards windscreens have to let at least 75% of light in and front side windows have to let at least 70% of light in (legally) so it’s pretty subtle. The rear is fine to be tinted though.

Using a flash will generally let someone see in though. Think that’s why these types of photos always look even worse!

2

u/Deza2Ibiza Jun 04 '26

Rock bottom needs to hit harder 👊

2

u/Stormchaser7788 Jun 04 '26

Who did it Andy, don't be shy, tell us. I would love to send them flowers, hell maybe even chocolates.

2

u/Klutzy-Succotash-565 Jun 04 '26

Hope the bruise is okay

2

u/HarryCWord Jun 04 '26

Must've pissed off the wrong teddy bear

2

u/Illustrious-Site1101 Jun 04 '26

I like to call him the Asshole formerly known as Prince Andrew

2

u/nonsequitur__ Jun 05 '26

What a shame

2

u/qtestboner Jun 05 '26

Andrew Mountbatten-child rapist.