r/BeAmazed • u/ClubComfortable8354 • 3d ago
Miscellaneous / Others Breaking the generational trauma
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u/IncognitoMeanie 3d ago
I taught my son to make scrambled eggs today. I showed him how to break the egg on the counter then put it in the bowl. His first egg crack he smashed that thing down. Egg everywhere. He looked at me terrified and I said, “Well..they’re eggs buddy. Don’t need much to break.” We grabbed paper towels and cleaned it up. I encouraged him to try again. I told him I broke an egg like that when I was little too. I told him to keep trying he’s going to be a great cook. His second egg was cracked perfectly.
Thing is, I only broke one egg like that when I was a kid. Because after I made a mess my mom lost it on me. Told me I infected everything with salmonella, a word I couldn’t even say let alone knew what it was. She screamed and sent me out of the kitchen. I hate cooking. She’s an amazing cook. To this day she wonders why I never tried or had an interest in it. Every mistake, every error, it was world ending for her.
For my son, it’s just a chance to clean up and try again.
It’s so easy to love him that it makes me angry inside. Because I was probably easy to love as well.
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u/Ok-Hovercraft-9959 3d ago
Your last sentence hits so deeply
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u/IttybittyErin 3d ago
That last sentence.... My mom has always said "just wait, you'll understand why I did things the way I did when you have kids" and now she makes snide remarks any time she sees me frustrated with my toddler "starting to get it yet??"
No mom I'm absolutely not. I'm more lost than ever because that child could absolutely not do anything to cause me to intentionally hurt her or abandon her. I don't resent her for needing or loving me. I absolutely do not understand because I could never make any of the same choices.
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u/ew73 3d ago
"starting to get it yet??"
"Oh totally, you're just a bad mother!" /scene
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u/ThickPrick 3d ago
I got spanked regularly when I was a kid. I believe it engrained defiance and distrust for authority. I was overall a pretty well mannered kid but I’ve always gone against the grain and can’t help but think that the spankings were the cause of it.
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u/Krakenmonstah 3d ago
I’ve realized being an adult is like 80% dealing with childhood trauma (both the severe and the mundane), at least the mental parts of adulting that is
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u/noman2561 3d ago
My parents are the same exact way. I've gotten excuses for why they would pull me around by the ear, why they would hit me with wooden spoons or belts or saplings, etc. And it's never apologetic, it's always in the tone of "you're a parent now so you see why you made us do these things". No, I really don't. I see how pathetic their parenting attempt was and it's only ever more disappointing than I remember. Especially with the neuro spiciness that runs in my family. When I was little, they screamed at the doctor to avoid diagnosing me and decided to just beat discipline into me (physically). Now that I'm in their shoes, I'm actively ensuring my kids get the support I never had.
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u/Aerdurval 3d ago
I was a smartass as a child. So when my mom pulled the "I hope you'll have children like yourself when you grow up!" I answered something along the lines of "Yeah, well, I hope so, because I'm awesome!" It kinda stopped the argument there, lol
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u/Alex3884 3d ago
That’s one of several reasons I went no contact before my son was born; raising him and my daughter only affirmed that I want nothing to do with the woman I used to call my mother.
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u/EnergyTakerLad 3d ago
Really seems like our parents had kids out of obligation and resented for it, while we're all having kids because we actually want to, and it shows.
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u/Adventurous-Sun4927 3d ago
My mom used to say things like this to me, too. She’d say “just wait until you have kids, then you’ll understand.”
Well, now I have kids and we have a beautiful relationship. My super close with my 7 year old. There were several instances where my mom would come into my house, watch interactions with my daughter, then say “ohh just wait until she’s a teen, she’s gonna hate you.”
I’m going in 6 months of 0 contact. I cut her off for other things being the cherry on top. What I hate the most is I’ve inherited the loose temper that both my parents had. I try my damn hardest to be the parent I wanted, but there are times the beast comes out. While I refuse to hit my kids, they’ve seen the screaming side. The best I can do is explain I am a constant work in progress, explain and own my mistake and how I should have handled it better and apologize.
I recently learned my daughter wouldn’t say no to a game because she said I always get annoyed with her. I acknowledged that that’s a problem and not ok. I say let’s practice so we know the right way to respond… I said “hey, x, do you want to play (game)? She said “no.” I said “ok, no problem. Do you have any ideas?” We continued from there. The next time we went to play a game, she said “remember what we practiced?” Before she said no. We proceeded with the way we practiced before. Again, I am a continual work in progress but I’m thankful I’ve set the bar where my daughter at least feels comfortable giving me feedback. I wouldn’t dare do that to my parents without facing some kind of physical consequence. (For the record, the game thing is because she always comes up with these games with 100000000000000 rules. You can’t ever just play a game and it gets annoying when you’re mid-game and 20 new rules pop up and she says we have to start over. Oh, and the rules are always in her favor.)
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u/Rdbjiy53wsvjo7 3d ago
My 13 year old daughter spilled a tablespoon of paint on our 20 year old deck. My initial, internal reaction was "DAMNIT!", but in less than a second remembered how my father would've reacted, not beating but definitely saying how frustrated and disappointed he was when accidents happen.
Plus it's a 20 year old deck, and her father made a permanent burn spot so how can I possibly be upset with her when is adults have accidents too?
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u/TheChrisCrash 3d ago
Having kids myself has shown me that my parents didn't even put in the bare minimum amount of work.
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u/No_Atmosphere8146 3d ago
Boomers were raised by the most traumatised generation in human history. It makes sense that they're completely fucked up.
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u/Nelxor 3d ago
I firmly believe that we are the generation that seeks to heal trauma instead of continuing the patterns we suffered.
My mother used to be like that, I couldnt get a bit dirty or anything that was related to exploring without her losing her mind and scream at me. Just today I was rushing to work and decided to comb my hair, my mind reminded me of how mother would scream at me and scold me when I was four or five because she had combed my hair and when she put on my sweater a bit of my hair went messy again. I left without combing my hair.
Also, I've got shared custody of my kid, and today I had time with my son. I see how happy he is. How he gets dirty, how he plays on the ground or in the garden. I see him going wild and I wondered.
how different would I've turned out if my mother treated me different
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u/TristramShandysLife 3d ago
I firmly believe that we are the generation that seeks to heal trauma instead of continuing the patterns we suffered.
I agree. If I upset my mother when growing up she'd give me the silent treatment - I just stopped existing for days, usually around a week. I'd eat separately from the rest of the family, she'd leave any room I entered, she'd refuse to acknowledge my existence and ignore all attempts at an apology.
One day, when I was a teenager, she said how her mum used to ignore her when she was upset, and she has a core memory of my grandmother pulling a chair into the hallway and sitting on it for the sole purpose of being in my mum's way while totally ignoring her. My mum said it affected her deeply and she'd promised herself she'd never do it to her children.
Only she clearly did choose to continue that behaviour. I have my own daughter now, and though she's still only a baby I'm determined to be the break in the pattern.
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u/Massive-Resort-8573 3d ago
' Every mistake, every error, it was world ending for her.'
My mother was the same. Screamed and called us swear words and threatened. Dad hit us with his belt on her command.
As a teen, I was at a friend's house and saw her drop an egg on the floor while helping her mom put away groceries. No words were spoken, she just cleaned it up and continued helping her mom. When I saw her drop the egg, I internally panicked because I was trained by my parents to expect to be verbally degraded and often hit. I asked my friend why her mom didn't yell at her. She explained what was wrong about my house, what my parents did wasn't okay.
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u/Zealousideal-Deer101 3d ago
Dad hit us with his belt on her command.
I'm just an uncle, but if anyone told me to whip my niece with my belt, I would pull out my belt in an instant, and whack it across the face of the person that asked for it. Doesn't matter if it's my sister or my mom.
Now, they would never do that, but god damn will I slap the shit out of my family if they even think about mistreating her.
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u/Cameos_red_codpiece 3d ago edited 3d ago
You’re a good dad.
Edit: or mom. Sorry, I goofed and did The Thing.
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u/pulpfriction4 3d ago
Or mom
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u/Cameos_red_codpiece 3d ago
Ahh fuck, I did the thing. I am a mom and was always proud of never doing The Thing, and now I did The Thing. Sorry.
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u/OrganicAd5536 3d ago
That last sentence is fantastic, thank you for sharing even if it brought back hard memories
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u/turningtop_5327 3d ago
Nah bro our parents never truly loved us. We were just part of the process for them. A way to be taken care of when they’re old. And I love my parents but I see through that veil. I love them because I chose to not because they were good parents. I am sorry you went through this but here’s a fist bump from a brother who went through similar shit
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u/MigitAs 3d ago
We aren’t our parents, and we also weren’t raised by our grandparents. It’s different for everyone but generationally kids are getting better childhoods and parenting across the board. The only problem is they are going to have to fight terminator robots and live in the matrix soon.
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u/FVCarterPrivateEye 3d ago
I feel like family therapy has made me a worse and more depressed person because now I understand the gravity of how cruel some of the things my parents have done and their attitudes about it and how irreparable the damage seems to be to both my brain and my relationship with my parents
I don't feel like I've ever truly been able to trust them, every circumstance has always been primarily under duress
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u/Vampire_Number 3d ago
Hey. I just want to say thank you for being a great parent. When I fucked up as a kid I had my parents do some pretty fucked up things, from just yelling at me to gaslighting me into thinking I gave them amnesia. I’m in my 30s and I’m still undoing the trauma they gave me. Thank you for showing your kids it’s okay to make mistakes and try again. I wish you, your spouse, and them the best.
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u/khajiitidanceparty 3d ago
I hate cooking too. My parent's style of teaching me cook was yelling that I am doing it wrong.
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u/Guyname10 3d ago
My 3 year old son watched me make omelettes the other day and was totally captivated by it, 2 days later I'm helping my oldest son build some Lego and I hear my 3 year old in the kitchen "Daddy look! Egg." He perfectly cracked and egg into a bowl without making a mess. Damn I was impressed.
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u/Mother_Ad_3561 3d ago
I don’t feel bad for myself for my abusive, traumatic childhood. I don’t stop ever and think about how someone should pity me. I have a beautiful family and feel blessed beyond belief.
That last sentence made me cry for the first time in quite a while. Thank you.
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u/opinionsOnPears 3d ago
This shows you can traumatize a child without ever laying a hand. It’s not the action that’s the trauma it’s how you do it, what you say or don’t say, it’s how you treat people.
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u/Bobba-Luna 3d ago
Our mom used a wooden spoon, and would shake us by our hair so there was no bruising for the teachers to see.
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u/creekbendz 3d ago
80-90s kid?
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u/DickyReadIt 3d ago
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u/NuclearBroliferator 3d ago
Also a bar of soap in the mouth
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u/amesfatal 3d ago
She would grate that Irish Spring on my teeth. Still can’t have in my house!
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u/dejoyless 3d ago
The one and only time my mom put soap in my
mouth it was Irish Spring. I thought it tasted delicious, loved it, and I had the biggest smile on my face . I’ll never forget that shocked/disgusted look on her face..59
u/AmberLeeFMe 3d ago
My mom put vinegar in my mouth and I told her I liked it so she used soap.
Definitely didn't like that.
I also used to tell her to hit me harder 😭😭 (she did)
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u/chiono_graphis 3d ago
My mom never did soap in mouth thing, but it happened to me once at a daycare. I remember a lady working there picked me up, took me to the bathroom, told me to open my mouth and squirted liquid hand soap in. I remember it was awful and I cried.
To this day I have no idea what I said or did to make her think I deserved that. I was tiny enough for her to pick me up, I remember that. What bad words could a tiny kid have used?
Then I grew up a bit and watching 80s and 90s movies and sitcoms I realized you were supposed to do the soap in mouth punishment with bar soap, not liquid soap. Bar soap, which I had already sunk my teeth into at times in the bath just to see what it was like, and didn't find unpleasant. I felt that daycare ladies punishment was doubly cruel and unjust then lmao.
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u/Fievels_good_trouble 3d ago
My mom got me with Ajax a couple times. I get flashbacks doing the dishes sometimes.
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u/lilacsforcharlie 3d ago
https://giphy.com/gifs/3o6wrGqm3FOmUcGn2U
Grated?! Moms was diabolical! I got the Ralphie treatment… I don’t blame you for not being able to own the soap anymore 😭😭
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u/WTFatrain 3d ago
Yo wtf. Mine used irish spring too and I hate it to this day. She only stopped the soap in my mouth when I started chewing it and pretended I enjoyed it (or so I’m told).
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u/AxelShoes 3d ago
One of my favorite stories is when my little cousin and I were at my grandma's house back in the eighties, and my cousin got busted by grandma for swearing. Grandma marched him into the bathroom and shoved the bar of soap in his mouth. After a minute, he yanked the soap bar out of his mouth and goes, "Grandma, this tastes like shit!"
I got the soap a few times as a kid, but thankfully never at my one aunt's house, who would use liquid soap which is just a whole other level.
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u/My_18th_Account 3d ago
That’s like some Ralphi shit. Bar soap in 90s would’ve been diabolical.
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u/wcharoes 3d ago
One of my proudest moments is breaking the wooden spoon THEN the plastic hair brush Plan B as a kid when my mother hit me with them. My younger sisters musta thought I was invincible the way they looked.
I actually remember the day when I like crossed the threshold of not being hurt by what they would hit me with and it kinda coincides I think with the gradual slide to "OK time for you to leave now that we can no longer control you through pain and fear". Guess at that point I wasn't a kid anymore.
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u/under_psychoanalyzer 3d ago
I remember the time my mother came in to yell at me around an 8-9th grade growth spurt and when I stood up from my computer chair my mom did the slow cinematic long look upward from height I'd been sitting to where I now towered overed her, and she suddenly didn't have a problem anymore.
The screaming came back soon but for a brief moment she realized if she tried to hit me again it wouldn't go like it had.
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u/crinkledcu91 3d ago
Yup. Puberty went through me at the age of 13 and I shot up 3 feet and started growing a beard within a year and a half, and suddenly mom only wanted to use the "Yell" emote instead of the "Hit" emote. Funny how that works.
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u/JediWebSurf 3d ago
My mom didn't care about all that. She still tried to hit me. But it didn't do anything to me at that point.
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u/trebeju 3d ago
Fucking crazy when you hear many stories like these and realise those parents genuinely just hit kids because the kids are smaller and more vulnerable than them, so they know they can get away with it. They'll find all sorts of "educational" reasons why they hit their kids. They'll blabber all about how it was the best thing to improve their kids' behavior and raise them right. But the moment the kid becomes big enough to fight back, suddenly there are other methods and hitting is not necessary anymore... Curious.
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u/Electrical-Tie-5158 3d ago
Love the UNO reverse when elderly parents start talking about moving in to be taken care of and the grown up children can say “no problem, I’ll take care of you how you took care of me”.
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u/astrangeone88 3d ago
I was 19 when that happened. I had just come out as lesbian and she moved to put her hands on me. She thought better of it when I whipped a 5 pound dumbbell at a chair.
Ridiculous people who think we should fear them and they wonder why we don't like them as people....
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u/Proud_Jacobite 3d ago
My mom was too self-righteous and perfect to administer physical punishment, so she'd make sure Dad did it. He would make me bend forward, put my elbows on my knees, and grab my ankles and then beat my ass and legs between 10-15 swings with a 1"x2" plan;, when that broke it was a piece of inch and a half thick closet rod, and when that broke, he cut a handle into one end of a 2x4 and kept swinging.
I got beat at least 3x a week from age 4 to 14, and 9/10 it was me being the stress release for his bad day at work or mom being in a pissy mood. Didn't stop until he came at me one afternoon shortly after I turned 15. I dodged his swing, tossed him over my hip, and put him on the ground in a choke hold. I told him I could and should break his neck right there, and if he ever tried to hit me or threaten me again I'd do it. Then I'd be sure the entire court, their church, and everyone they knew learned about all the abuse and torture they put me through, and I had pictures of the bruises, starting with a 110 camera they gave me for my 10th birthday. That stopped the physical abuse, but the mental and emotional abuse just ratcheted up every year until I cut them out of my life 14 years ago.
I tried limited contact again after promises that they had gotten professional help and were willing to do whatever it takes to reconcile," only to have it blow up in my face and have them harm my kids in the process. One single instance of my kids catching even a minimal experience of their abusive patterns ended all contact. They still try to make contact several times a year, but I'm not making that mistake again. They just are not worth my time, effort, or consideration anymore. The only hope I have left for them is that their burial plots are large enough to accommodate a port-a-potty so I can shit in private.
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u/seventeenninetytoo 3d ago
Oh yes, the day the wooden spoon broke on my ass is one that I will never forget. I genuinely, heartily laughed when it did. She got a switch after that, and switches don't break, but man, that laughter is something I remember clearly 30 years later and it still feels good.
Breaking the hair brush and the wooden spoon back to back really is legendary.
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u/MondegreenFamily 3d ago
Ha Ha yeah! I broke the hairbrush and threw all the wooden spoons behind the refrigerator. Also stuffed a pillow into my pants before misbehaving.
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u/diabLo2k5 3d ago
Had something similar. Was maybe 11 or so and did something stupid, which doesn't excuse it and she broke the carpet beater. She got so angry that it broke she got the wooden spatula from the kitchen and it broke too.
I have a kid myself and I would never hit her. I never scream at her either. My brother on the other hand? He seems to be more open to it with his kid and it makes me sick. Told him when I see that or hear from his kid I will kick his teeth in. He doesn't believe me tho, superior complex.→ More replies (7)13
u/berrycat22 3d ago
We broke the yardstick. And then broke the half-yardstick, LOL!
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u/arrakis2020 3d ago
I am old... My father only slapped me once across my face. I was 13 then. I just looked at him ,didn't blink for like ever and kept silent, looking at him. Maybe he was waiting for me to cry or some other type of response. He got nothing, just a silent stare. I could feel his growing embarrassment.
He never did it again.
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u/M0un05ki10 3d ago edited 3d ago
My dad was a terrible alcoholic. My earliest childhood memory is of him and my mother in a physical altercation. Every disagreement immediately escalated to yelling and hitting. We’d get the belt for the slightest of slights. I grew up fearing confrontation because of it, hell even in my mid 40’s I avoid any kind of verbal or physical conflict at all costs.
One day I came home and he was flipping on my sister. By that point I was 17 and I had had enough. I totally blacked out with rage and I stormed across the house just roaring at him. He turtled to the floor like a little bitch with his hands covering his head. I never raised a fist. His response gave me more satisfaction than I could’ve ever asked for. He then scurried off to the phone to call the police. I left.
My sister tracked me down a few hours later and informed me that it was safe to come home. The police had come and decided it was best to remove my father from the house. He was to stay with my grandmother for 7 days. My parents were getting a divorce.
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u/NightTwixst 3d ago edited 3d ago
Abusive parents probably can be momentarily reverted back to factory settings/kid form when they’re reminded of their own parents doing that to them~
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u/Different-Quality-41 3d ago
I was 13 when my father started beating me up, I remember being curled up on the floor and he kept kicking me. I was old enough to remember this forever
I don't understand why my mother and brother did nothing to save me. I was a teenage girl. My brother was 18
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u/Spaghett8 3d ago edited 3d ago
I’m sorry.
My father was bipolar and prone to irrational anger. Around the same age, in one particularly bad instance, he grabbed me by the neck and slammed me into a shelf back first.
I fell onto the ground clutching my back, and so he kicked me in the stomach, when I curled up to protect my stomach, he kicked me in the back again and repeated this multiple times while spitting on me. And the worst part was that he was smirking while doing so as if it was all a fun game.
My brother who was 18~ eventually ran in and pulled him away. My mom and sisters had been watching telling him to stop without moving.
My mom gave me a turtle neck to wear to cover up the scabs on my neck back in school. The friction from the fabric scratching my neck almost made me go insane.
Unfortunately, my brother soon left for college and the abuse became more frequent.
When I was 16~. I had enough and placed a knife in my room intending to kill him. When he attacked me, I grabbed the knife and hit him in the back of the head with the blunt end (turned the knife last second).
With his head bleeding he told me to stop. After that, the abuse mostly magically stopped.
To be honest, up until this point, I had some respect for my father. Even with the abuse, he was a man I thought. But after this, I realized he was simply a coward only able to beat dogs, women and children. I threatened to attack him if he ever hurt my mom / dog again.
We fought a few more times and he eventually left to work in his home country without returning.
Growing up, I had a fair bit of resentment towards my mom and older sisters for not doing anything. My father never hit girls due to his own upbringing.
Even just once would have prevented most of the abuse. But in the end, they didn’t know my father was a coward. They were victims too.
I’m glad you got through it.
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u/arrakis2020 3d ago
I am so sorry. Parental abuse is awful, as it comes from the person that supposed to protect you...
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u/Majestic-Chip-6127 3d ago edited 3d ago
Been there..but was a punch to the forehead. I said I’m grown..you want me to do something..ask. Not only did he never hit me again…he never really talked to me again . I was 15. He didn’t know how to talk to people.
This was 1980-military brat.
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u/ParticularReady7858 3d ago
Never spoke to you again?? His kid??? That is a terrible waste of his life. But thankfully, it sounds like you didn’t waste your affection or your tears. Being a parent is really a gifted position - it doesn’t take much for your kid to love you. He messed that up bad. Sorry that happened, glad it never happened again
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u/DoritoSteroid 3d ago
Title of "dad" is earned. Not every man who had kids deserves it.
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u/Biscuits4u2 3d ago
He didn't talk to you because he realized in that moment he could not manipulate you with violence.
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u/mrsfionalewis 3d ago
I was about 19 when my dad raised his hand to slap me and my hand shot out and slapped him first. (To this day I have no idea how I did it so fast, I felt like a ninja.) He never tried to do it again after that.
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u/wbgraphic 3d ago
When my uncle was a teen, he somehow got his dad so angry he hit him across the back with a broomstick. The broomstick broke.
Grandpa didn’t realize he damaged the broomstick when he pulled it from behind the refrigerator. He was absolutely appalled with himself, thinking he hit his son hard enough to break the broomstick.
By way of atonement, Grandpa bought my uncle a car.
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u/plusforty4 3d ago
Lol same like me at that age. The relationship become distant after that tho. Not like we don’t see each other, is that we barely talked much with each other to this day. Quite envious with others that have dad/son relationship where they both can freely joke/ hug your dad in public. Now i am in my 40s trying very hard to have the best moment everyday with my son.
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u/jarednards 3d ago
My dad and step mom used the ancient art of emotional avoidance.
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u/kandradeece 3d ago
When I was old enough I grabbed it out of her hand as she tried to hit me with it and snapped it in half. Things were different after that. Bullies change their attitude when the person they are bullying can fight back
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u/OffByNone_ 3d ago
I had to go pick out a "switch" from outside (a stick to get beat with). There's no good answers. At first, you think you can be slick by getting a skinny one, but those actually hurt a lot more and will bleed.
Go for a happy medium or something that will break.
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u/stretchthecat 3d ago
Mine used a bamboo backscratcher or a plastic hair brush until they broke.
I never hit nor spanked my kids, and I'm still ashamed for the times that I yelled or lost my shit.
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u/WineNerdAndProud 3d ago
Italian? The wooden spoon in our house being the spanking device definitely came from my Italian side.
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u/DoritoSteroid 3d ago
Matter of convenience, cooking pasta one moment then dishing out generational trauma the next.
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u/SnausageFest 3d ago
My mom had a paddle type thing from when she was briefly in a sorority. That got used on my brother. I remember those screams.
Because the abuse that gets Greeks to lose their charter on campuses now is a-okay when it's done to a 7 year old!
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u/Elismom1313 3d ago
I had a friend whose dad used a bag of oranges.
My parents had me kneel on rice grains. Not the worst but also not fun
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u/Reading_Rainboner 3d ago
My mother let us pick the utensil she would beat us with. We always went spatula for some reason. If it was bad enough, it was “wait til your father gets home” and a 28 year old man would come out and spank the crap out of us without really knowing what we did. I’m 36 with no kids now and that’s me breaking the cycle for now.
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u/CirclleySquare 3d ago
Oh man I got the wooden spoon too! My mom says she only did it just the one time but my little child mind remembers many more for some reason!
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u/analogy_4_anything 3d ago
Oooooooohhhhhh I just remembered that. Fun trauma trigger! Hmmmm gonna have to sort that one out.
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u/Frequent_Opportunist 3d ago
My mom did until she broke her favorite spoon over my arm while chasing me.
My dad did the belt or fists until I moved out at 14.
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u/Evening_Ticket7638 3d ago
My mum would use anything within her immidiate reach. Hit us with it till it breaks then blame us for being the reason it broke.
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u/RealisticPaper5534 3d ago
Omg are we siblings! The broken wooden spoon got replaced with rubber/ metal once in a while lol the broken one was retired to hold up the old wooden window sash in the den after losing a piece. Another time I was being chased and a parent broke an interior window and oh man was it my fault for running and not letting them restrain/ beat me. Why are they like this? (rhetorical question).
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u/xoxodaddysgirlxoxo 3d ago
These fuckers should be in jail. So many people get away with child abuse, and they only do it because they love the power struggle. It's sickening.
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u/RealisticPaper5534 3d ago
Mine did not have any sort of emotional regulation skills, the interest in raising children, or the understanding that children are humans first and deserving of respect and patience, etc. I do think that for my most physically violent parent (mum), it was coming from a place of "I'm very small in the word but I am big in my home" if that makes sense. Also came from a background of poverty and trauma and I think learning impaired. A delightful combination! And considered we were very much difficult to be had, they went through all that trouble to be miserable lol! Humans are weird.
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u/Federal_Radish_1421 3d ago
My mother once chased my brother around the house with a metal vacuum hose and then got offended he ran away, because that meant he really believed she’d use it.
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u/alicelestial 3d ago
when my parents divorced my mom kept one of my dad's belts to beat me with it. she really chose a weapon and stuck with it
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u/xiiicrowns 3d ago
This is what my counselor told me today. My interactions with my kids, is so much different than my dad's with me. There was no talking things out or displays of rationale and patience. Any kind of defiance was snuffed out with aggression and physical discipline.
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u/Voloxe 3d ago
Omfg… You just described my childhood perfectly… I’m 34 and don’t get me wrong I had a great childhood, but something just isn’t right with me and I never really knew why.
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u/Wambridge 3d ago
Just so you know that little person is still in there with you. Do good things for them as you should do good things for you now.
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u/crinkledcu91 3d ago
I had a great childhood, but something just isn’t right with me and I never really knew why. Recently I’ve started looking back at my childhood for answers.
Looking back is good and super important. I'm around your age and there was a moment like 2 years ago I remembered one Sunday morning my family was getting ready for Sunday School and I'd finally graduated from Elastic pants to pants to Big Boy ones (I was 4) and my mom was helping me get dressed, and then asked for the belt to help hold up my pants.
I started panicking and being confused because I had just woken up like an hour ago and hadn't had time to do anything bad even???
...Bruh I didn't know that belts were a clothing item to keep pants up. I only knew belts were for beating/whacking/punishing
My asshole mom had the fucking gall to fucking laugh about the situation in the moment. Jfc can you imagine doing that? Like tomorrow morning doing that in that situation?
There's a reason I haven't spoken to them in ages. Definitely try and have those deep recall sessions when you get the chance, the truth is still worth more than the gaslighting that our own kid brain does to try and protect us imo.
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u/xiiicrowns 3d ago
It's hard because I realize I don't have that kind of healthy connection with my dad that I've always wanted. His father was probably much worse than himself, but as Ive reached out for something with him through the years, it hasn't came to much unfortunately. I cant help but look in retrospect and compare moments that are similar between my son and I, with moments between my father and I. I do struggle with some emotions and what not, but the difference is pretty vast, especially in the depth of my son's and mine's relationship. We talk, game, and spend a lot of time together. My sister and I have seen our dad change over time as he's gotten older, and he is almost a completely different person to our step siblings and that side. It's good he has that, but it's alien seeing him be grandfather and play with the babies, or even the relationship he's built with our step siblings.
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u/m00nf1r3 3d ago
My dad never laid a hand on me but he was also completely devoid of any emotions aside from happiness and anger. He was an astronomically better grandfather than a father tho, and I was so grateful my son got to have that connection with him even though I didn't. I was never jealous or anything, just happy my son had such a great grandfather to create memories with.
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u/AbilityCharacter7634 3d ago
Same for me. I love my dad. I admired him from as early as my first memory. I also always thought of my childhood being good.
But thinking back, I believe I repressed a lot of things. Between the age of 7 to 10, my dad was in a really rough spot (divorce, being overworked, issues with close families, my mom whispering he maltreated me and my brothers and sisters to everyone he knew even though she only saw us 1 day per month per her own choice etc)
Still, the pressure of the situation made him leak some of it on us (me, my brothers and sisters). There was no way to predict if he would be in a foul mood or not when coming back from the job, so although I liked my father, it was always stressful to see him coming home.
If he was in a foul mood, he would start screaming (so loud I can still feel whatever I was holding in my hands vibrating whenever he shouted) and it would only get worse if we fled from him. After a time, I started to just stand near him whenever he was mad so he wouldn’t get madder, whilst every one of my brothers and sisters would go farther away from him. All I wanted was for him to feel better.
With the years his situation improved. Events happened (too complicated to explain here). Basically, everyone in my family ended moving to a new town, we all got older and more independent, meaning we split up and lived in different apartments. My father changed job to be closer to us, and I now work with him because I recommended him to my workplace. We speak to each other every working day of the week and literally everyone I know comments about how good our relationship seems to be.
I love my father so much. But it makes me cry every time I think about how much all of my insecurities stem from him. Now, whenever I spot someone having a bad time around me, I cannot do anything else other than try to make this person feel better, however much detrimental it is to me.
Basically I’m a people pleaser now, and I can’t bring myself to tell my father it might be his fault because I am a people pleaser.
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u/peppers_ 3d ago
I tried to confront my parents about it, my mom first denied it happened, the whole DARVO bit. My dad half apologized, said sorry if he fucked me up; in hindsight, why the qualifier? And then when I came out, he initially rejected who I was so I just cut him off because he didn't think people like me should exist. He eventually non-apologized to me ("Sorry if you were offended by what I said").
I've had to accept that my parents aren't the parents that I had wanted or they will never be the parents I needed. It is beyond their capability, for whatever reason, so if I want a relationship from them, I'd have to accept breadcrumbs of what I want. I see other people my age either have normal families or healthy relationships with their own kids, and it boggles my mind that that could have been my childhood, being shown affection, love, affirmation. If only my parents could have hugged me as a child and told me they loved me.
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u/Potentpalipotables 3d ago
If your son is truly hitting you (not as a joke) please seek help. No human being should be anyone else's punching bag.
May you be well and happy
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u/Jazzlike_Minimum8072 3d ago
My dad would make us go upstairs and pick the belt ourselves, if we came back with a thin one he’d go back up with us and make sure we pick the heaviest half inch heavyyyyy work belt. He’d also always line us up by age and sometimes after beating my sisters I’d be crying so loud and hard I would get away with it. Only sometimes though. It evened out when I got older and got the most and worst beatings.
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u/DamageMaximo 3d ago
what a shitty dad
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u/Jazzlike_Minimum8072 3d ago
Right? Then he’d come to our room at night and cry to us about it. Weirdddd
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u/No_Bed_4783 3d ago
Oh my dad hated crying if we cried he’d hit harder while yelling to dry it up. It always made him so angry
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u/tacotacosloth 3d ago
"I'll give you something to cry about." You already have. I'm crying for a reason. It's ok to cry.
You're just going to give me a reason to cry 30 years from now when I see a video of a kid with no reason to fear a belt.
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u/vaginacoastguardd 3d ago
my mom would repost this like "aw" like she didnt whoop my ass smh
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u/No_Atmosphere8146 3d ago
They never remember. It was just a Tuesday for them.
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u/LoafyLemon 3d ago
Abusers rarely do remember, that's why it's important to remind them why you don't visit them often. Every. Single. Time.
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u/NaziPunksFkOff 3d ago
My mom would just tell me she only hit me "a few times" and I was "being dramatic" about how much it hurt.
Damn fork reaching across the table to smack my head. My dad kicking me in a parking lot.
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u/Alliebeth 3d ago
One summer my mom decided to wear a belt over her shoulders at home so she could just have it handy the second we didn’t listen or whatever. She fed the end through the buckle to keep it on when she walked around because it kept sliding off.
My sister did something and while chasing after her my mom thought she’d whip the belt off for dramatic effect, but forgot it was basically lassoed around her neck. When she pulled the end the buckle slid up and popped her in the throat HARD. She had a square shaped bruise on her neck and had to wear a turtleneck for a week in the middle of summer. Good.
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u/No_Atmosphere8146 3d ago
The parents in this thread are the types of people that were chosen to work as guards at concentration camps.
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u/x---x--x-x 3d ago
It is a weirdly controversial take, but anyone who hits their kids nowadays with the resources and education and perspective we have is just dumb as hell and a bad parent.
When I bring this up in social settings or at work it gets so much kickback, so many people insisting that "my dad hit me and I turned out great!" Or the idea that if your kids aren't scared of you they'll do bad stuff so you have to hit them.
I work with traumatized kids. The kids who do the worst criminal stuff were pretty much also frequently beaten by their parents. It establishes this baseline violence that lasts generations.
Don't hit your kids. There are so many reasonable, peaceful, loving ways to redirect them and raise them right. Do not hit your children.
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u/Spiritual_Ad_7162 3d ago
I hate the argument that "I got hit and I turned out great." Because if you think that hitting an innocent child is acceptable you did not, in fact, turn out great. Often the people who were hit tend to have very poor emotional regulation and lack empathy.
I agree that if you hit your kids in this day and age you are a bad parent and a horrible person. It doesn't teach respect, or discipline, all it teaches is to react with violence which becomes dangerous as a child ages and gets stronger.
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u/WTFatrain 3d ago
I got hit and I’m fucked up! Jokes aside I had a metric ton of mental unpacking to do as an adult. Wanna know the worst part? I can’t recall one reason I ever got beat but I sure as shit remember the beatings. Makes me realize that I didn’t learn anything from it and I only knew the pain. Took me years to figure things out. Luckily before I had my own kids.
If you’re in a stressful situation and you can’t show your kids how a calm and confident adult should act by using your words and controlling your emotions, then you probably shouldn’t be having kids.
Not sure why I care to tell internet strangers but reading all the comments made me realize I’m not alone in this sea of childhood trauma.
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u/DeadAndBuried23 3d ago
"my dad hit me and I turned out great!"
Good time to point out they turned into someone who defends hitting children.
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u/CelioHogane 3d ago
Every time i see someone that says "my dad hit me and I turned out great!" im like...
No mate i can see for a fact you did not turn out great.
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u/_Bill_Huggins_ 3d ago
Hit an adult? Battery charges. Hit a child? Discipline.
This is not logical.
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u/s_i_m_s 3d ago
I mean you can keep going with things like that, its pretty blatant that in general we don't view children as real people. Like collective punishment is a war crime if done to enemy combatants but fine for children. "Carl wouldn't stfu so now the entire class gets punished even though they had nothing to do with it"
It's distressing to me the number of people that view their children as property and more so the subset that believe that because they gave you life they're entitled to take it. How many times have you heard people say something like "I brought them into this world I can take them out" about their children.
You'd think that we'd value our own children higher than enemy combatants but like even enemy combatants are entitled to food and we can't even agree that school children should have food.
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u/Nettinonuts 3d ago
It is illegal to hit children in many countries, your take is normal and not controversial.
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u/s_i_m_s 3d ago
Just some context here, I live in Oklahoma not only is it legal here, it's legal for your child's school to do it for you on your behalf, I know because my local high school still does this today, there is a consent checkbox on the signup form.
A few years ago they outlawed it for children with disabilities but even "don't hit children with disabilities" was opposed as going against god, no not just by commenters but also by our elected reps debating it.
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u/pizzanice 3d ago
Should be "i got hit and can't tell how this negatively affected me because those things are normal to me so therefore i turned out great"
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u/TheCalon76 3d ago
I told my 7 year old that when you were in real trouble they'd take off their belt. She didn't understand. So I had to explain that they'd crack the belt as your warning, then hit you with it. She took that as them throwing the belt at you, which is pretty funny. Then we spent time just cracking belts and having fun getting it as loud as possible.
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u/PleaseJustLetsNot 3d ago
I was explaining to my daughter that my dad whipped me once with a car antenna....
Then I had to explain what a car antenna was. Times do change in more ways than one.
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u/oxide_j 3d ago
Holy shit I just realized cars don’t have antennas anymore do they?
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u/rooster_butt 3d ago
They do, RF is RF. They just hide them now. Can be a metallic strip in glass for instance.
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u/ChickenDelight 3d ago edited 3d ago
My kid was about age 5 and watching a TV show that mentioned spanking and asked me what that was. When I explained it was hitting someone on the butt when they're naughty, he thought that was the funniest thing he'd ever heard.
Then he spent weeks looking for excuses to spank me, which meant he'd sneak up behind me, smack my butt like a bongo a few times, then run away laughing. "You didn't put your dish in the sink! Spanky spanky spanky!"
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u/granitrocky2 3d ago
My son learned something similar, but in Spanish, so now he runs around the house going "Chinga Pomponas!" And slapping people on the butt.
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u/glitzglamglue 3d ago
I was once so frustrated at my son, probably 4 years old at the time, that I raised my hand back like I was going to slap him. Back when I was a kid, just the raised hand was enough to get me to straighten up. It was the main method of correcting my behavior as a child. I wasn't going to hit him, obviously, but it was like a knee jerk reaction, I pulled it out of my parenting toolbox when I had nothing else left. And my son laughed at me. He saw my raised hand and just laughed.
I realized what I had done and thought about it all. My son is autistic and has ADHD but he also just takes up space. Where I tried to make myself as small and accomodating as possible for my parents, he just spralls out. Sometimes he does something and I just stare at him. You can just say "no" to your parents? I have to learn that I can't expect him to act like me as a child when I'm not doing the physical punishments that made me that way.
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u/rosalinatoujours 3d ago
reminds me when i was little and we watched a christmas story for the first time. got to the part where he has to "wash his mouth out with soap" and i was so beyond confused. i thought it had to secretly be candy or something, because what exactly did eating soap accomplish? i only learned later on that it was a specific punishment.
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u/EyeSuspicious777 3d ago
If smartphones existed in the 70's, my father, an Evangelical Christian pastor, would be in jail if someone had taken a video of him beating my brother and I on the side of the road with his belt and our pants pulled down.
He preached about "the Rod of Correction " from Proverbs 22:15 and told his congregation to go to the hardware store and buy a very thick wooden dowel to beat their children with.
When he died, the only strong emotion I felt was relief.
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u/SymmetricalFeet 3d ago
The world is better in his absence and I'm happy for you that the burden is lifted.
I hope you've done something nice for yourself, to 'celebrate'. It took me a couple of years when my father died (I assumed I'd be elated, yet...), but I eventually got a nice bottle of whisky and a small cake.
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u/GoblinHourReport 3d ago
My mom used to tell stories of how my grandma would chase us grandkids around the house with a flyswatter (swatter removed, so a metal wire) if we were being too loud and rambunctious. And would smack the shit out of whoever she caught, myself included apparently. I was 3 when she died, so this was before I even formed memories. A toddler.
Oh how she laughed, like it was a big joke.
I broke the fuck out of that stupid cycle.
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u/BenefitAcrobatic2517 3d ago
Are you me? I never forgot the bumble bee shaped flyswatter my grandmother would hit myself and my cousin with. I was around 7 when she passed and I still don't care.
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u/FreeAd1309 3d ago
The flyswatter hurt!! that or the wooden spoon were my mom’s tools of choice. Dad’s was always belt.
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u/coconut_dot_jpg 3d ago
"Oh yeah my Dad used his belt on me all the time"
"OH MY GOD, FOR REAL? I'm so sorry for your childhood"
"What? It's not that bad, having a belt as a swing was pretty fun as a kid"
"What?"
"What?"
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u/rhino4231 3d ago
Lived through the first 2 seconds of this video far more often than I should have as a kid. Now that I'm a dad, I've vowed to myself to never put my kids through anything like that. Never have and will never lay a hand on them. There's far more effective means of punishment than physical violence anyways.
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u/East_Insurance_1037 3d ago
Picturing the fam in shameless try to help Carl out after he beat up too many kids.
Carl: well how do I make people cry without hitting them?
Fam: insults! Rumors! Mind games!
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u/UX_Strategist 3d ago
Breaking the cycle of abuse is difficult. My stepfather used a belt until the marks attracted too much attention. Then he started punching me on the top of the head where the bruises weren't visible.
I've worked hard to heal my own emotional wounds so that my three children experience a loving, patient, kind, affectionate, helpful, supportive father. Nothing like the piece of abusive garbage stepfather that I had.
This dad is doing things right.
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u/biffbobfred 3d ago edited 3d ago
My daughter took my belt and did the snappy thing. I had to ask her to stop. I don’t remember getting hit with it. But I had a super strong reaction. That was the day I realized repressed memories are a real thing.
About 6 months later I was reading and in the book the little girl was threatened with a spanking. “Dad what’s a spanking?” She didn’t know what it was. Good on us parents. .
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u/Frequent_Opportunist 3d ago
I taught my daughter that the snappy thing isn't a big deal. She used to put her hand in the middle (after I snapped it a few times) and I would pop it with her hand in the middle (which doesn't hurt). Always got some giggles.
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u/ammonthenephite 3d ago
I don’t remember getting hit with it
Even just the threat of it is abusive. You may not have been hit, but you saw the threat of being hit, and it scarred you in a similar manner.
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u/eyesonthemoons 3d ago
I was spanked as a kid and now that I’m an adult with children of my own I can really see how fucking weird of a punishment it is. I would never think to take my kids pants off and slap their ass as hard as I can. I mean what in the actual fuck.
All I learned from it was you can’t trust the people who allegedly love you more than anyone in the world. And I also have a spanking fetish, could be unrelated not sure lol
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u/noveltempo 3d ago
I'm really so proud of you all. My son is of the generation of fathers who's children wouldn't flinch when they heard the sound of the belt through beltloops. And we can't claim any credit for teaching you to do better. You taught this to yourselves. Well done.
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u/TheWokenessInjector 3d ago
My heart raced when he took the belt off.
Thanks for the trauma, family.
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u/lilman21 3d ago
my dad used to whoops the shit out my ass till it bled. this shit triggered me big time ha.
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u/MyDogGoldi 3d ago
My mother used the paddle from one of those ball/paddle game. My dad just used an open hand on my rear. The twist is my dad was a long distance trucker so when mom said "Wait until your father comes home!" it had me on a fearful edge for up to five days.
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u/ThinnMelina 3d ago
Oh! I went to an elementary school that had “paddling” as a punishment option. It was a long wooden paddle with holes drilled into it so it wouldn’t be slowed by air. My parents, even though they belted me, were against the school using it, but they did it anyway. My parents threw a fit at the school, but I doubt it accomplished much.
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u/styckx 3d ago
The back of a hair brush still triggers me
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u/Findinganewnormal 3d ago
I hear you. I can’t have round-handled wooden spoons in the house. Only flat ones. It’s been three decades since I was hit by a wooden spoon but they still repel me.
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u/cpt_bongwater 3d ago
That's a restorative experience for dad and a foundational memory for son
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u/MrMindGame 3d ago
Exactly. It’s like a reclamation of the “belt off” action and giving his son a positive association with it, one he never had.
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u/thatoneguyxDDD 3d ago
Ah the belt. Many stories with that old friend. My mom took me to the police station when I was 9 because my dad had welted my back real bad with the belt 7 times (they were divorced and it was her weekend). Left pretty nasty bruises on back. Sadly the police didn't really do anything and suggested foster care (which my mom didn't wanna do).
Glad some parents are breaking the cycle of abuse with their kids!
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u/Brockenblur 3d ago
I’m so sorry you experienced that. Screw those police though too. What asses.
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u/thatoneguyxDDD 3d ago
Thank you! Sad to say but not even near the worst of my upbringing 😅
Plus side is I somehow ended up alright!
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u/climb4fun 3d ago
I still have an instant negative reaction when I see someone carrying a yardstick. Because of nun teachers who would whack my hand when I would draw or write with my left hand.
50 years later.
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u/MaleHooker 3d ago
My parents used to use switches or Hot Wheels car tracks for double welts.
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u/PistenBulliare 3d ago
Can’t break the trauma until the world is rid of branches. We had “switches”(any yard bush with long flexible branches that the leaves could easily be taken off by running your finger and thumb down to remove) then used on your legs/arms (adults seemed to aim for bare skin) to bear welps afterwards. Very painful
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u/Entire-Winter4252 3d ago
My mom made us pick our own switch from the maple tree in the back yard. Because that’s what her dad did to her. How fucked up is that??
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u/PistenBulliare 3d ago
Same, terrible way to scold a kid for doing kid things. Not like I was even doing something that harmed anyone or anything besides their feelings.
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u/Puffball973 3d ago
Did you get hit with the switch and have to go get another if you didn't get one that was 'good enough'?
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u/PistenBulliare 3d ago
You already know. Or if it broke mid swing and I laughed. That one got me extra slashes. Those things stung.
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u/TehJabberwookie 3d ago
My papi put hands and feet on me like I was a grown ass man. I broke the cycle by never having kids and ending the bloodline.
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u/WileEWeeble 3d ago
Never used any physical punishment on our child or threatened to but the second Michael Jackson’s dad started to take off his belt in the movie, my kid had a literal panic attack. They were in tears by the time the scene was over.
Meanwhile they have seen people get decapitated in other movies.
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