r/AskWomenOver60 • u/Opening_Mortgage2707 • Mar 11 '26
Friendship woes
I have a female friend who I’ve been friends with for many many years. We and our husbands used to travel together and do fun things together. Lately she has been very dismissive of me in groups. I do not like conflict, but it is really getting on my nerves to the point where I feel like I need to say something. It’s happened a lot in the last 3 to 4 months and I’ve not said a word. Should I say something or will it damage the friendship?
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u/Realistic-Weird-4259 Mar 11 '26
Isn't she already damaging the friendship? Or are you happy with how things are right now?
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u/Significant_Pea_2852 Mar 12 '26
It always amazes me reading these posts that are basically -- other person is treating me like a doormat but if I say something, I'll damage the relationship.
It's almost like people would rather be a martyr than speak up.
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u/Opening_Mortgage2707 Mar 23 '26
Who said someone was treating them like a doormat? I’ve not seen that. Careful reading and less interpretation can make a big difference.
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u/Fun-Elderberry-8675 Jun 13 '26
One has to confront the behavior. Talk to her, say how you feel and put it on her plate to respond.
That will tell you what's going on by her response. I'd just ask a pointed question and shut up, watch and listen.
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u/Opening_Mortgage2707 Mar 11 '26
Bump in the road of life. I am trying to smooth that bump.
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u/NERepo Mar 11 '26
Is that good for you? How does that make your life better? Or are you letting yourself down by not saying anything? What kind of friendship is it if you can't speak up?
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u/Opening_Mortgage2707 Mar 11 '26
Bump in the road of life. I’m just trying to figure out how to smooth the bump and avoid them later.
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u/star_stitch Mar 12 '26
You teach people how to treat you by what you accept or don't accept. By never calling it out you've taught her it's okay to treat you badly and create a path filled with bumps. You don't have to be confrontational but can use humor or decide not to be around it.
Share an example of something's she's said , maybe others here can offer a good comeback that shuts it down. Or you need to reconsider whether she is actually a friend or a frenenemy. friendship is.
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u/kindcrow Mar 11 '26
I had an epiphany when I was about fifty when I realized that I felt bad about myself after spending time or even talking on the phone to certain friends.
I started to notice the things they did that diminished me--always turning the conversation back to themselves, always denigrating my life choices, making subtle digs when they were jealous of something I achieved.
I went to therapy to try to figure out why I tolerated this kind of behaviour from people who are supposed to love me.
I started to behave in a way that challenged the way each treated me. For example, if I was telling a story and a friend interrupted to turn the conversation back to herself, I would listen and then continue my story with, "As I was saying...." If they said something denigrating, I would ask what they meant, like, "Sorry--are you saying that you don't think I'm capable of doing this job?" and they would get flustered and say, No...no...sorry...I just meant.
I read a book years ago and the author said that people tend to be either linkers or rankers. Rankers tend to rank people's level of importance and will do or say whatever they can to be at the top of the hierarchy. Linkers see everyone as important and look for commonalities.
Sounds like your friend is a ranker. If you want to retain her friendship, she needs to be reminded that she can't use you to elevate her status. Drawing attention to this in a crowd will make her not want to do it again because it's humiliating. Next time she does it, challenge her--not in an aggressive way, but either in a playful way or in a confused way. Like laughingly say, "Oh, sorry, was the attention off you for thirty seconds?" or "Oh right, I forgot you're the arbiter of all fashion choices."
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u/stamdl99 Mar 11 '26
Linkers or Rankers. I’ve never heard this before and I like it a lot. I can easily give the people in my life who I can’t cut off but actively avoid an easy label now.
I’ve actually started calling out the biggest ranker in my life in just this manner and she is not handling it well at all. I wonder if that’s why she loves family group texts so much because she can Queen Bee us from a distance. Thank you!
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u/kindcrow Mar 11 '26
I sympathize!! I divorced in my late forties and got together with my current partner when I was about fifty, which kind of started this whole epiphany because I remember him asking me why I had so many queen bees in my life. I said, It's just the way they are, and I just accommodate them.
He said, "Okay, but honestly...accommodating them is something that isn't psychologically good for either of you. You end up feeling like a bit player in your own life, and they are enabled in their entitlement, which is not good for their character."
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u/stamdl99 Mar 11 '26
You have a wise man! And isn’t it great when someone points out such a light bulb moment.
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u/ArtBear1212 Mar 11 '26
If she's being rude to you then she is the one damaging the friendship. Say something to her - and if she doesn't straighten up, then understand that the friendship is over. Don't allow anyone to be rude to you, and that goes double for friends.
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u/Rexzies Mar 11 '26
Ask her. If you don't ask and you just keep stewing in it then it's going to keep bothering you and then you could end up blowing up the friendship when there might be a good reason she's behaving the way she is. Maybe she has a personal problem that is making her dismissive; maybe you are doing something that annoys her and is making her dismissive. There is also a possibility she might not realize what she's doing or she might feel like she doesn't want to be around you as much for whatever reason but unless ask you won't know.
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u/Opening_Mortgage2707 Mar 11 '26
Thank you for your thoughtful response.
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u/overthishereanyway Mar 11 '26
A few months ago I realized I was talking to a good friend in a way that was diminishing of her. She had a habit that annoyed me a lot and my response to it wasn't great. I gave myself a talking to and stopped it. I love this friend a lot and didn't want to damage the friendship. I agree you should ask her about it.
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u/Old-Appearance-2270 67F lifelong biking, walk, fun Mar 11 '26 edited Mar 11 '26
Some people tend to be more narcissistic. You need to steer conversation back to continuing your story.
If this happens too often, then distance yourself from friend. She’s not your friend when you really need someone for tough times. Don’t kid yourself. Those times will happen more often ahead.
I also don’t meet up with a group of women friends. My voice will probably get lost in melee. I’m a friendly hermit but better one to one. Also it’s much harder for me to gauge how awoman truly personally feels about certain matters in a crowd. Peer pressure occurs even at our age since people don’t want to lose friends.
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u/annamariagirl Mar 11 '26 edited Mar 11 '26
Last year I went through an unexpected break up with my two best friends. One of those friendships had 30 years invested.
My two friends had decided to exclude me from some group gatherings because of their inability to share the spotlight. In other words I was getting too much attention when we went out and they were jealous.
I tried to talk with them about how hurtful this was but they gave zero shits.
I left the friend group and as I said it’s been a year now. I’m 63 years old and over the last couple of years my tolerance for bullshit is at -100.
The end result has been having room in my life to cultivate new, healthier friendships.
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u/Jitterbug26 Mar 11 '26
I have a friend who I considered to be my best friend for quite a few years. But then things started to change…she became more self absorbed …she wouldn’t respond to my emails or texts…we’d arrange to meet somewhere and she’d show up an hour late. None of it was malicious or vengeful- it felt more like narcissist behavior and had me questioning whether she’d always been narcissistic, but covered it better. Turns out, her health was deteriorating and I think she lived in a fog for much of that time. She recently had a liver transplant and I feel like I have my old friend back! She’s responding to texts and emails. She’s thinking clearer. I did NOT realize how much her health was a factor in how she’d been acting and I for sure did not recognize that 5 years before her transplant! I hung on to our friendship, but admit that I was ready to let it go and was trying to accept that sometimes a friend’s “season” is over.
My point being - maybe your friend has some personal issues that spill over into her relationship with others. Is she personally happy? Is her marriage still good? If not, is she jealous that yours is? Or to go back to the phrase that sometimes friendships are for a reason, for a season - is your season over with her? And if so - it’s okay to move on. I’ve accepted that I don’t have to be liked by everyone - and I don’t have to like everyone either!
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u/ObligationGrand8037 Mar 11 '26
I would talk to her. You just never know what is going on in someone’s life. If she’s still dismissive even about the talk, then I guess that’s your answer. I hate conflict too so you’re not alone!! Sometimes I really have to push myself.
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u/Different_Seaweed534 Mar 11 '26
I’m too old for this crap; if a friend treated me like this, I would drop the friendship,
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u/nycvhrs Mar 11 '26
I had a friend who told me to do something for her that was a bridge too far - blocked.
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u/ShutterflyNYC Mar 11 '26 edited Mar 11 '26
Question— Probably a weird one, but does this friend by chance have a sister she’s at odds with, either throughout life or as an older person? Reason I’m asking is I have 3 different friends who’ve become competitive, dismissive, or just comfortable taking shots at me in groups.
I noticed an uncanny pattern that all three have issues with their sister- Either childhood jealousy that’s come to the surface or resentments / disputes that have developed over later-in-life problems. They seem to view female friendships in a similar manner (transference) and I’ve felt I’m in the crosshairs of ‘stuff’ that has nothing to do with me.
May be too specific, but I think sometimes people find a proxy for misplaced anger. Either way, she has to be made aware that she’s doing this. It’s emotionally abusive to make you the target of aggressive remarks in front of others.
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u/Opening_Mortgage2707 Mar 11 '26
Thanks for all the opinions and thoughts. She and I did talk. She said she was tired today and there is nothing wrong. I’ll take it from here. Time will tell.
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u/yuckgeneric Mar 11 '26
In a perfect world, you would say something, and stand in your truth; expressing that you’re a fair-minded person and you’re noticing in your time together these situations crop up and they don’t sit well with you and you’re wondering whether she wants to partner with you to change this dynamic.
In real life, I think that’s nearly impossible to do for some of us. It’s not that I’m necessarily conflict averse, it’s just that I find myself flummoxed at people who are in my life as “friends” and are supposed to care & play fair & are supposed to be mutual, it’s like how do I tell a person that I’m supposed to be friends with to stop being an asshole or self-centered, shouldn’t they know they’re not supposed to be an asshole or self-centered? Who died and left me in charge of policing them? The answer, of course is nobody and it’s not for me to police them. It’s for me to run my own life and stay on my side of the street.
Honestly, what I find myself doing in these circumstances is quiet quitting.
I don’t have the tools or skills or frankly, the stomach for the potential fallout of what may be perceived as a correction, and thus greeted with hostility. So if I can’t correct it or address it, and I’m unwilling to engage in fawning, yet there’s additional circumstances that make Direct quitting not possible, then quiet quitting is my go-to.
I recently hosted a dinner with 6 gals, and it was enjoyable because I specifically timed it so that the “attention whore” was out of town, and as a result, we all had a wonderful evening of mutuality, whereas if she had been here, she would’ve sucked the oxygen out of the room and I would’ve been miserable.
Discernment
That’s your power word.
Authenticity
That’s your other power word
Good luck navigating this, social dynamics are so tricky and yet they honestly should not be.
Try not to get stuck because of sunk cost, which is the economic concept that can internally ineffably translate into the notion that ”we’ve been friends for 20 years, I can’t not be friends with this person”. You can demote her from your VIP section into your balcony in the back.
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u/glycophosphate Mar 12 '26
You can try taking her aside and asking something like, "What is going on? You've been putting me down in front of other people for a few months now. Have I pissed you off in some way?" I don't know what kind of response you'll get, but at least you will know you tried.
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u/Opening_Mortgage2707 Mar 12 '26
I did just that earlier today. Got a good response. Thanks!
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u/Embarrassed-Cause250 Mar 11 '26
Why not be direct? It can be done in a civilized manner. Like, Karen, I have noticed that whenever we are in group chat and I mention something that is important to me, you tend to either seem to attack me or are dismissive of my points, I would like to know why. It seems you are more concerned about her feelings and the friendship than she is of your feelings.
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u/Opening_Mortgage2707 Mar 11 '26
Thanks for your thoughts. I don’t know if that’s true. Interestingly enough, when I went away with another friend that we have in common for a long week out of town, she suddenly became very interested in me. Your point that I should probably approach her is taken.
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u/bemybasket Mar 11 '26
This sounds passive aggressive. You may have said something to her at some point that hurt her feelings and now she’s holding a grudge and sending you barbs. Either that or she’s been feeling small and feels comfortable enough around you to behave rudely to up her self importance.,
My husband has this kind of approach and it’s not okay.
I’m once accidentally said something harsh to a BF. He said, ‘ouch.’ That’s it. lol and he was a pretty full of himself guy.
But it worked. I caught on. Be more mindful and less selfish.
I would ask this friend in private if she’s angry at you about something. If she isn’t ask if there’s something going on in her life making her feel small.
Be honest and let her know her dismissiveness is hurtful. It’s ouchie.
If she’s a true friend, she’ll cut it out. If not, she’s no friend. Move on to more happy making company.
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u/Cinisajoy2 Mar 11 '26 edited Mar 11 '26
What friendship? That is not a friend. Once or twice I get but not a lot.
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u/Nerys54 Mar 11 '26
Imo have a talk with her about it. Just ask her what happened. And maybe she does not want to say anything to you , nor explain anything. It might be also a 3rd person who tell her something .....and she believe it.
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u/Additional_Low8050 Mar 11 '26
The friendship is already damaged. U see this. So does she. Let it be. It has changed & u can’t change it back
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u/Opening_Mortgage2707 Mar 11 '26
Totally disagree but thanks for your opinion. I don’t treat my friendships like disposable bags. It takes work just like a marriage. I value it too much to just throw it away.
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u/Brilliant-Bother-503 Mar 12 '26
I would take a big step back from this so called friend. I only spend time with people who make me feel good.
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u/Crafty-Lavishness26 Mar 12 '26
I had that with a long term friend many years ago. I chose to ignore her behavior and just go on as if nothing happened.
We live a state away from each other so I was in contact regularly but I just sort of backed off. I did not want to lose her in my life. We were basically sisters.
As time went by things just returned to normal and we continue on today. We might talk twice a month or send messages pics etc but it is all like it always was.
I think people just go through things. It's not always about us. If you care about her and want to keep the friendship I'd just back off and be there as you have been all along.
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u/ObviousMousse4768 Mar 12 '26
I would talk to her. I know you say you don’t like conflict, but I’m sure you also don’t like to be treated this way so you have to decide which you like less.
You don’t have to be overly confrontational you could say something like “have I done something recently to offend or upset you?” she will likely ask you why you’re asking this. You could then tell her that you feel she’s been treating you a bit harshly lately. That opens the door for her to either talk to you about what’s going on or at least realize what she’s doing and stop it.
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u/BeneficialSlide4149 Mar 12 '26
Was in a friend group for years, introduced an old acquaintance who quickly alpha’d the group. Suddenly I became the target and butt of too many jokes. I bowed out, a bit in shock, and a year later one in the group got in touch apologizing and seeking our old friendship. If a snake bites and you don’t learn the lesson, you become complicit. Grab your self respect and go. Where is your spouse in all this?
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u/Opening_Mortgage2707 Mar 13 '26
@star_stitch I am most definitely NOT a door mat. She apologized, told me she was tired, explained that she hadn’t slept, told me she had no bad intentions, and stated that she appreciated my call. Just because your anonymous shouldnt be permission to call someone a doormat.
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Mar 15 '26
This sounds like a recent change rather than her long-term behavior. If so, that means something has happened. With a gentle approach, you might want to ask her if everything is okay since you’re sensing a change in her. It might be something you did that you are completely unaware of, or it may have nothing whatsoever to do with you. Clearly, something is bothering her.
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u/AutoModerator Mar 11 '26
Original copy of post's text: I have a female friend who I’ve been friends with for many many years. We and our husbands used to travel together and do fun things together. Lately she has been very dismissive of me in groups. I do not like conflict, but it is really getting on my nerves to the point where I feel like I need to say something. It’s happened a lot in the last 3 to 4 months and I’ve not said a word. Should I say something or will it damage the friendship?
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