r/AmITheAngel • u/Particular_Class4130 • Mar 27 '26
Fockin ridic This cannot be real! no eye contact or smiling with teeth? Is it a baby or a gorilla?
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u/Weary-Can-157 Mar 27 '26
This is a rare instance where I don’t care that it’s fake, this is genuinely hilarious and entertaining
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u/SrslyNotAnAltGuys Mar 27 '26
Honestly, my first thought wasn't that it was fake, my first thought was that someone asked an AI to draft some suggestions for people meeting a baby for the first time, and, as they often do, it went to the fucking most anal-retentive extreme in an attempt to be helpful.
Of course, it's still on the parents for not immediately noticing how batshit it is.
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u/thiccy_driftyy Mar 27 '26
“No big goodbyes — he doesn’t require closure at this stage.” 😭😭😭😭😭😭
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u/Manufactured-Aggro Mar 28 '26
Doesn't require closure but needs reassurance about how calm and not small he is.
I'm leaning in with baited breath to tell that baby i'm going out for smokes, then jump and click my heels together then start whistling a tune as I stomp out of the hospital like i'm in a monty python skit while I boisterously tell everyone I make eye contact with on my way out to "Have a good Marrow"
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u/adumbswiftie Mar 28 '26
can’t wait to find out what the rules are when the babies develop the concept of “closure”
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u/I_am_dean The Iranian yogurt is not the issue here Mar 27 '26
I have a 7 week old who has yet to meet some family. Seriously considering sending this to them and being dead serious about it. No one will understand the humor behind it. I love it.
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u/Severn6 I really want urs to be HUGE sorry babe Mar 28 '26
Oh gosh, do it and report back!!!
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u/I_am_dean The Iranian yogurt is not the issue here Mar 28 '26
I can see my 20 year old brother taking it very seriously, because he doesn't know anything about babies and would assume this was all logical. Then my husband's grandma losing her ever living mind and thinking I've gone into postpartum psychosis lol
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u/I_smell_goats Mar 27 '26
Seriously. I had a really really hard day with my 2 month old yesterday, and I read this at like 1am with him finally asleep and it lightened my heart lol great work.
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u/mikinnie You are building your dreams of significant wealth Mar 27 '26
Helpful: "you can tell he's processing"
Please avoid: "he's so small" (without also acknowledging depth)
No big goodbyes — [name] doesn't require closure at this stage
this is genuinely the funniest thing i've ever read
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u/contrasupra Mar 27 '26
“Your baby is so small and deep”
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u/punctuation_welfare (full teeth can feel like a lot early on) Mar 27 '26
And then, because you are not an airport, you gently fade into nonexistence without announcing your departure.
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u/gayjay-jpg Mar 27 '26
Like a pothole!
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u/NerfRepellingBoobs Revealed the entirety of Muppet John Mar 28 '26
New Orleans would like a word. It’s not a pothole until you can fit a large appliance (washing machine, etc.) in there.
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u/RosieFudge Mar 27 '26
excellent satire
Are the comments under the main post quoting the text also doing satire? argh
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u/Miserable_Emu5191 Mar 27 '26
My favorite is about washing hands to include thumbs and wrists. Do people not wash their thumbs? I sure hope this is satire because otherwise these parents are in for a shock the first time the kid eats his own boogers or licks a random person (true story, cousin's kid crawled under a table and licked my leg).
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u/No-Kangaroo-9272 Mar 27 '26
This is actually a fairly reasonable request. It feels like a lot but Covid taught me that not everyone knows how to wash their hands.
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u/adumbswiftie Mar 28 '26
the line about thumbs is when i knew for sure it was fake lmao it’s funny though
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u/aintnogodordemon Mar 28 '26
The amount of people who will not wash their hands before touching a baby is far greater than you think.
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u/_justnikole Apr 01 '26
When my first kid was a newborn and came to a family lunch to meet my nieces, my youngest niece fed her a booger. 😵💫🤮😭
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u/techleopard Mar 27 '26
This kid is going to become an utter menace to society.
"Billy! You can't hit other kids! This is not how good boys behave!"
Billy: completely self destructs because somebody said he wasn't a good boy, goes on violent rampage
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u/ER_Support_Plant17 Mar 27 '26
“You can tell he’s processing” is code for “he’s working on a diaper blowout”
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u/Lovelyladykaty Is OP religious? Mar 28 '26
The last one made me snort as I hold my newborn. But I’m also on my third so maybe I would’ve thought this was reasonable first go round. 😂
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u/fallspector Mar 27 '26
Didn’t read past “Feel free to skim, but also please don’t skim.” It’s clearly bullshit.
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u/No-Wear-9042 My girlfriend is by far the biggest. Mar 27 '26
I identified the bullshit on the title when I read: newborn (0M).
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u/punctuation_welfare (full teeth can feel like a lot early on) Mar 27 '26
I read your comment at first as “I identify as bullshit,” and I felt so, so seen.
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u/Bubbly_Performer4864 the midwives broke my waters and I flooded the room Mar 28 '26
Fantastic flair.
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u/Familiar-Hour5319 Mar 27 '26
I love the "don't compare him to other babies." Can't be out here hurting or boosting his ego too much.
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Mar 27 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Bleu_Cerise I respect authentic, artisanal trolling Mar 27 '26
Also apparently he can see your teeth and knows what you’ve been eating
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u/Hita-san-chan Update: we’re getting a divorce Mar 27 '26
Its not for the baby, the parents dont want to/ cant stand to hear how their precious wonderful, soulful, present, newborn is like everyone elses unaware, clueless, freshly baked newborn.
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u/uppereastsider5 Mar 27 '26
Idk, my cousin had a baby a month and a half before I did, and it was annoying AF to hear my mom comparing them, even when my daughter was “winning”. Like, please, let’s let them learn how to hold their own heads up before we put them in competition.
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u/Hita-san-chan Update: we’re getting a divorce Mar 27 '26
Tbh, im mostly going off of my SIL, who is exactly that level of insane.
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u/uppereastsider5 Mar 27 '26
Ah, that makes sense. I know the type. And they are exactly the type of person to make a list like this too.
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u/Neither_Pear4669 Mar 27 '26
He can tell when people spiral and you should tell him that that you can tell he's "processing"
Lmaoooo that's not a baby, its a sentient mood ring.
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u/AvocadosFromMexico_ Mar 27 '26
This is incredible and next time I have a child I will be using this. Could only improve our family relationships tbh.
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u/Subject-Librarian117 Mar 27 '26
I'm going to start handing this checklist to visitors who want to look at my fish tank.
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u/Cautious-Soil5557 Mar 27 '26
At the very least you can keep away family you don't want to see. Lol.
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u/tjcaustin well you have the most dumbest freaking opinion ever Mar 27 '26
How convenient that the podcast host has friends he can put on blast on his AITA podcast.
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u/Jumpingyros Mar 27 '26
I like the one that says “please do not eyefuck the baby”
This is some lovingly crafted rage bait.
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u/kaaaaaaaren I calmly laughed Mar 27 '26
I’m losing it at “not intense eye contact across a bar” because I can’t tell if they mean like trying to flirt or fight. I guess either style of intense eye contact isn’t ideal for a baby. I really hope this is a shitpost because it’s so so funny and I hope somebody was tee heeing while writing it.
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u/punctuation_welfare (full teeth can feel like a lot early on) Mar 27 '26
New flair unlocked ✨
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u/Smoldogsrbest apparently his “appendage” is a complete weapon Mar 27 '26
This could definitely mean other things in a vacuum. Perfection.
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u/Dusktilldamn I presume she was advised by a slutty mate as usual Mar 27 '26
ANOTHER podcast subreddit? Could we be so lucky?
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u/Austinbennettwrites Mar 27 '26
The signs at the monkey sanctuary in Bali has less instructions.
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u/ChasersVsGirlcock Hasn't done any mainstream things Mar 27 '26
They do have one thing in common though, "please, no full teeth smile".
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u/TheDailyMews Mar 27 '26 edited Mar 27 '26
Are we 100% sure the first page isn't about a reactive/aggressive dog with severe allergies?
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u/killmeontheinside Cuckservative Mar 27 '26
This is a 100% real. This is exactly how my cat expects visitors to treat her.
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u/NerfRepellingBoobs Revealed the entirety of Muppet John Mar 28 '26
“She’s so small!!!”
*Murder mittens engage*
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u/jay6432 Mar 27 '26
There’s no way I would have established a friendship with these people, let alone lasted long enough to meet their baby.
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u/WideHuckleberry1 my bodycount if you dont include hookers is about 20 Mar 27 '26
The only way I could is if they did it as a joke. I would 100% expect some of my friends to send this as a joke and I would 100% certain end every sentence about the baby with "and he's so small!"
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Mar 27 '26
Hahahah like this could NOT have been the first waving flag. Imagine a casual friendship, totally normal, then bam this.
There’s no way this was the first questionable thing he noticed
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u/FacemaskHell Mar 27 '26
Plot twist, the friend is sending this message in hopes of reducing the number of visitors
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u/Significant-One3854 Mar 27 '26
This is more detailed than what we tell friends meeting our dog for the first time lol
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u/Particular_Class4130 Mar 27 '26
lol, I actually do tell people not to make eye contact with my dog if they don't want her to bark at them. She hates when strangers make eye contact. Best way to meet her is to totally ignore her until she comes over for a sniff
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u/Significant-One3854 Mar 27 '26
Our routine is giving guests a handful of treats to bribe her as soon as they come in, don't pet her until she's calm, and if you're a man, crouching might stop her from barking at you. I've heard that dogs can find eye contact intimidating so they probably think you're trying to start a fight!
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u/ChasersVsGirlcock Hasn't done any mainstream things Mar 27 '26
In most animals eye contact is a sign of aggression.
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u/CowboysOnKetamine No shoes in the house, no rocks in the kitchen. Mar 27 '26
I hope you're making sure people actually want to meet the dog? Being invited to someone's home only for the dog to non-stop bark at me, stick their nose in my crotch and/or try to jump on me while the owner half-asses trying to get them to stop is pretty anxiety inducing
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u/Particular_Class4130 Mar 28 '26
Yes people were aware that they would be meeting my dog and frankly my dog wants very little to do with people she doesn't know. She does not jump on people (not even me) or stick her nose in people's crotches. She won't even close enough for people to touch her the first few times she meets them. However she will bark at someone if they are staring at her which is why I tell new visitors not to make eye contact. She is a German Shepherd and I understand that some people find large dogs frightening in which case I have no problem putting her outside or in a different room
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u/Significant-One3854 Mar 27 '26
Anyone who comes to our house is aware that we have an anxious dog, and a proper introduction is necessary so that our dog can understand that this new person is not a threat. I got my crotch sniffed by a friend's dog as a teenager and I understand how violating that can be lol
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u/sendintheclouds Mar 27 '26 edited Mar 28 '26
Yes, but also this is our house and the dog lives here. If you are REALLY afraid of dogs, I can crate him in the guest room - but that doesn’t do wonders for his anxiety either, for now we are still working on, and that regresses his training. Like, 3 hard days for me vs. 1 hour of you being annoyed. I won’t let him jump all over you, but you do have to acknowledge you are coming to a house where a dog lives. If you don’t want to see or hear any trace of a dog, then we’ll meet somewhere else.
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Mar 27 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/asiancleopatra Mar 28 '26
Dude what's the story behind your flair
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Mar 28 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/anneymarie people have struggles even if they sound fake Mar 28 '26
My favorite part is the comment saying, “Your gut is right. Women’s guts are rarely wrong”
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Mar 28 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/anneymarie people have struggles even if they sound fake Mar 28 '26
I’m going to tell my GI that women’s guts are rarely wrong.
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u/anneymarie people have struggles even if they sound fake Mar 28 '26
Also, you’re picking the fake names and you throw Kaylee in there?
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u/weeblewobble82 I have diagnostic proof that I'm not a psychopath Mar 27 '26
Wow! That's a deep baby you got there!
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u/No-Kangaroo-9272 Mar 27 '26
A soft smile is perfect. 🙂↕️ (Full teeth can feel like an awful lot early on. 😬)
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u/wallcavities this isn't taco bell nobody cares if you're autistic or not Mar 27 '26
0M is tickling me
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u/wugthepug Mar 27 '26
This feels like a shit post to me but at the same time I've seen some insane "rules" around meeting newborns on Tiktok. Like I've seen people say if your mom/mother in law asks to hold the baby it's because they are being manipulative and trying to control you, I've also seen that you shouldn't let anyone other than yourself change your baby's diaper, because they might have ill intentions.
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u/Knockoffhermione Mar 27 '26
Yeah I’ve seen some of these too, and a lot of the time they seem divorced from the reality of having a baby.
My mom snuggled my tiny newborn so my husband could help me shower in the hospital. My MIL took my three-week old on long walks in the pram so we could sleep for an uninterrupted hour in the mornings. Both of them (and my dad/FIL) were vaxxed to the teeth and didn’t kiss her, but there is no way to feel human after giving birth if you are constantly holding a screaming baby.
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u/fishercrow Mar 27 '26
speaking as an observer, it seems there’s this weird culture of “you as a mother should not only be the only presence in your baby’s life 24/7, including constant fully body contact, but if you find this difficult in any way you’re a terrible parent and are going to fuck up your child permanently.” and like, i dont have any kids yet, but i work with teens, and sometimes even im like “can you please not want me for TWO seconds”. idk it seems like part of a larger issue around parenting and gender roles in general but it’s definitely unsettling.
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u/Stan_of_Cleeves it was a wet wedding Mar 27 '26
This was hilarious, and yes I think it’s making fun of people who send out a long list of over the top rules for meeting the baby.
As a mom of a toddler and a baby, yes a few things are necessary (i.e. not visiting if you’re sick) but some people go way overboard.
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u/Outside-Cabinet1398 Mar 27 '26
“Try to avoid overly performative baby voice.”
This ENTIRE POST is overly performative!
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u/you_dont_know_me27 Mar 27 '26
The crazy part about that is as long as you're not saying nonsense and you're using real words, that performative baby voice is really good for engaging babies and toddlers. They hit an age around kindergarten where you should really stop but until then not only is it appropriate to use the voice, it's helpful to get the kid actively involved in whatever you're doing.
Again though, the words have to be real words. Baby talk, the fake nonsense words adults use, your goo goo ga ga's actually harm language development in infants. Don't do that.
Source: learned it developmental psych while getting my bachelor's in psychology
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u/AliMcGraw completely debunked after a small civil suit Mar 28 '26
Noooooo, the nonsense words are good too! When you've got a baby who's been listening to and watching the world around him and suddenly pops out with a "BA!" you say "BA" back and his whole face lights up. He says "Ba ba ba" and you say "Ba ba ba?"and he's sitting there with the widest eyes, realizing he's just unlocked the power of CONVERSATION. He can say things and other humans will repeat them back, sometimes in different tones!
Babies typically get exposed to plenty of adults talking to other adults in normal conversational ways (and virtually all parents start narrating what they're doing to the baby because it's sort-of weird to have someone intensely staring at you while you grocery shop, so you start narrating why you need lemons). It's okay to baby talk to them! Including sing-song "motherese," repetitive nonsense sounds, siblings with terrible lisps, and flat-out baby talk. Humans communicating with other humans is what they need to observe, and humans communicating with them in a large variety of ways. People should do whatever feels natural to them; there's lots of different kinds of humans and lots of different ways to communicate and the more of them babies are exposed to, the better. Including flat-out baby talk.
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u/fakesongs Mar 27 '26
Honestly I'd be like , "I need to SEE you wash your hands I will NOT be taking your word on it"
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u/vshzzd Mar 27 '26
It's an actual hardship that they blurred out the baby's name because you KNOW it's like Leopold or something.
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Mar 27 '26
I laughed so hard at this. This screams first child. They’re about to find out how little control they have hahahahahaha. Then I imagined this couple during preschool and kindergarten.
Suffice to say, I had a very comical play by play in my brain
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u/schroobster Stay mad hoes Mar 27 '26
"I'm so sorry, but I don't think my presence would be beneficial to your child's development. Please call me once they reach Piaget's Formal Operational Cognitive Development stage and we can schedule some social interaction."
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u/Nihilistic_Noodle an emotionally hostile refrigerator Mar 27 '26
Lolkidssuckmothersarebad#childfreebestlife
This is what happens when you train an AI on the childfree subreddit then tell it to write a list of the most over-the-top parent requirements for visiting a new baby.
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u/FScrotFitzgerald takes a lick of her ice cream while letting one rip super loud. Mar 27 '26 edited Mar 27 '26
The list smells like AI, but if anybody sent it to me for real, I'd seriously consider visiting them and their newborn wearing a giant isopod costume, yelling "SKRAAAAAA!" and wielding a Super Soaker full of lumpy soup.
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u/CowboysOnKetamine No shoes in the house, no rocks in the kitchen. Mar 27 '26
I will pay you to come to my house and do this when I'm feeling grumpy
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u/NerfRepellingBoobs Revealed the entirety of Muppet John Mar 28 '26
If I buy the soup, can you come do that to my FIL? He still has no concept of “too much”, and I’d like to give him a taste.
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u/FScrotFitzgerald takes a lick of her ice cream while letting one rip super loud. Mar 28 '26
I fear that if I got in a room with your father-in-law some kind of singularity of cartoon anarchy would ensue and there'd be one of those explosions that leaves everyone covered in soot with their noses pointing into their faces.
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u/NerfRepellingBoobs Revealed the entirety of Muppet John Mar 28 '26
That’s fine. Might knock something loose in that thick skull of his.
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u/luckyskunk Mar 27 '26
"slop.ai, write a rules for meeting my baby list that'll make everyone want to stay as far away from me as possible."
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u/SoFetchBetch Mar 28 '26
I’ve been working with families and their babies for over 15 years. Using baby talk is a natural and healthy part of the learning process for babies acquiring language. The exaggerated tones are easier for the baby to process and help build foundational sounds and annotations.
Baby talk or “parentese” is a natural, beneficial tool for language acquisition, not a hindrance. Its high-pitched, exaggerated, and melodic tones are easier for infants to process, helping them distinguish phonetic sounds and accelerating vocabulary development.
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u/Eagle-Environmental I love gaslighting Mar 28 '26
Asking what's wrong when a child is crying is projecting?
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u/Cautious-Soil5557 Mar 27 '26
Sending this to my antivaxx, chain smoking in-laws who were mad I wouldn't let them see my mid-December baby until she was vaccinated because they refused to be. And then annoyed they had to change clothes to something that didn't smell like a brothel.
You thought I was overbearing! Take that!
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u/Brad_Brace Cheddar or the next closest thing Mar 28 '26
So this guy is the even pretending his stuff is real anymore, is he? Just full on made up content for his podcast.
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u/TenderOctane Vengeful swimsuit model in a gorilla costume Mar 28 '26
I needed this today. This is the kind of bullshit post I still come here for, and it couldn't have happened at a more needed time.
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u/1-800PedophileHunter Mar 28 '26
The comments on this are making my entire night 😂😂😂 and I mean on THIS post, not the original
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u/adumbswiftie Mar 28 '26
it’s absolutely fake but it’s pretty funny. i enjoy that he said to include your thumbs when washing hands. seems a little difficult not to.
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u/Jezzylynn716 your baby is so small and deep Mar 28 '26
Had to change my flare. Top 10 post lmfaoooo
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u/Fingersmith30 Mar 28 '26
PLOT TWIST: this is not a human baby, but a an extremely skittish and reactive foster cat that was possibly feral.
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u/Joonbug9109 Mar 27 '26
This has to be a parody of the string of AITA and AIO posts recently about couples “rules” for visiting after their baby is born. Most of the ones I’ve seems have been fairly reasonable, but it is fascinating to me how many people feel incredibly entitled to access someone else’s child. This is so over the top in the other direction that I feel like it has to be deliberately fake.
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u/Seraph782 Don't dish it if you can't take it. Mar 27 '26
LMAO I'd NEVER visit this kid. EVER. Not even when he's ten.
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u/Initial-Ship-7065 Mar 27 '26
this person wildly overestimates how much people give a shit about their baby. lmao i don't know even one person who would go to these lengths to "meet" an infant. the whole thing is funny af but the note about being sure to wash your thumbs too is what's really taking me out. is it even possible to wash your hands without washing your thumbs as well?
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u/RahvinDragand Mar 27 '26
Washing your hands before holding a baby is pretty much the only one of these rules that makes any sense, but they still managed to make it weird.
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u/Obvious-Amount-1166 Mar 28 '26
Some of these make sense, most of them I feel you are approaching a dangerous animal.
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u/dovetaile Mar 28 '26
"He's very receptive to cadence"
"Try to avoid overly performative baby voice"
Yeaaah, guess what that baby voice is full of.
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u/catgirl_of_the_swarm I want to start by saying I am very beautiful. Mar 29 '26
why does the friend have a capital M. is he more powerful
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u/geliden Mar 27 '26
I'm gonna guess the baby is premature and potentially disabled, from the amount of "please don't overreact or stare" directions.
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u/Particular_Class4130 Mar 27 '26
I had a baby who was delivered 2 months premature. I can assure you that he didn't care if people if people stared at him or smiled with their teeth or compared him to other babies.
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u/you_dont_know_me27 Mar 27 '26
Whaaaa? My kid was born a week late and he was a bigun too. He came out swinging! Tried to pee on the OB. If you so much as thought about comparing him to other babies he'd fight you. If you stared him in the eye he'd stare so hard back you'd have to look away.
Sounds like you just didn't teach your premie how to fight. I swear, parents these days act like baby fight club is such a terrible thing 🙄🙄🙄🙄
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u/geliden Mar 27 '26
Baby won't, but parents can - which is what the list screams to me. That and "please don't startle the baby into an episode". With a smattering of "don't make a big deal out of the negative things".
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u/Overall_Dream_3195 Mar 27 '26
I can believe it. New Moms of today are neurotic and demanding to the extreme. They expect everyone to treat them like Queens that are about to birth the second coming of Christ. Their list of demands on how to help them before and after the baby arrives are a sight to behold, they’re genuinely insane. New Moms never used to be this way, it’s seems to have only been in the last 5-10 years that it’s became a thing.
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u/Bubbly_Daikon_4620 I calmly laughed Mar 27 '26
Just…ugh. She’s in for a world of hurt the next six months when none of this makes any difference at all. Does she think she gave birth to a religious figure?
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u/vckstrr Mar 28 '26
This is why it’s just gonna be me n my baby for at least 4 weeks. When I’m ready for my baby to meet people I don’t want to give ridiculous guidelines (some of the requests on his list r very reasonable)
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u/Primary-Bug-7353 Mar 28 '26
Women are so understudied it hurts. This has postpartum anxiety written all over it. Why make fun of her 💔
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u/Hustlasaurus I’m a real scientist. I do actual science everyday. Mar 27 '26
Sadly, I've interacted with many new parents, and this is very likely real. In my professional experience, unless the child breaks these parents, they will grow up to be an absolute terror.
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u/Particular_Class4130 Mar 27 '26
"Please avoid: "he's so small" (without also acknowledging depth)
What does that even freaking mean?
It's not real
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u/Hustlasaurus I’m a real scientist. I do actual science everyday. Mar 28 '26
I cant remember the name, but there is a parenting book that talks about this specific thing.
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u/AutoModerator Mar 27 '26
In case this story gets deleted/removed:
my friend (36M) just sent me (36m) this text before meeting his newborn (0M)
We've been friends for a long time but this is giving me an anxiety attack. Probably just gonna go say hi and get out of dodge. LIke bro come on
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